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My Wide Blue Seas

Its All About The Journey



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Name~ Hokule'a Kealoha

Short Bio~Hokule'a Kealoha is the Nom De Plume of a writer that formerly lived in Hawaii and is now living a life of adventure on the highways and byways of the American South . I am a Born Again follower of Jesus, as well as a wife, mother of cats and dogs,jeweler, entreprenuer, photographer and pilgrim...

Age~ Old enough to know better

Status~ Newly Single after 13 years of marriage,fur mom to the loving and devoted mini ShihTzu doggie Annabelle, born 6-11-2007 RIP 2-25-09, and the beautiful Abigail born 2-14-09

Hair Color~ natural brown/grey

Mood~ I ALWAYS have a mood, try me...

Loving~ Jesus, Hawaii, my furry friend, Abigail, my Pen Pals, Jewelry ,Blogging ,Writing anything,my Ipod,and being outdoors surrounded by my wonderful natural surroundings

Hating~ Boom Box Cars, Earspray, Abuse of Power,

Reading~
  • Bible


  • Magnificat


  • Link


  • Link


  • Underwired! Louisville's magazine for Women


  • In Store~The Magazine for the American Jeweler



  • Books in Progress...
  • CATECHISM OF THE CATHOLIC CHURCH


  • "Link"


  • "Link"





  • Just Finished Reading

  • "Link"


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  • Jesus, Divine Mercy ~
    Learn About The Divine Mercy
    I Trust In You~

    My Favorite Past Posts~Relive The Journey!~
    2009~
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  • 2008~
  • Be Thankful


  • Colateral Damage


  • Make Lemonade


  • Home Is Where The Heart Is


  • The Poor With Us


  • Because Its The Hardest Thing I Can Do


  • We Have All Become Victims


  • Lest I Forget


  • The Most Important Words


  • Family Values


  • Familiar Places


  • May Perpetual Light Shine On Them


  • A City In Motion


  • 2007~
  • The Quiet Storm


  • Fellowship of the Cane


  • Like Dead Unremembered: A 9-11 Tribute


  • The Medicine Machine


  • One Giant Leap


  • In The Steps of St. Francis


  • Too Much Information


  • The Un Choice


  • 2006~
  • The Holly and the Ivy


  • The First 9-11, Dec 7,1941


  • Small Moments of Silence


  • Peaches to Winnipeg


  • Dreaming of Hawaii


  • Memorial Day


  • Scattered Values


  • The White Line is the Lifeline for the Nation


  • Warnings of a New Civil War


  • I Will Be True To The Promise I Have Made


  • The Snowy Bloody Day


  • Cats in the Cradle


  • 2005~
  • The Journey


  • Rebirth of a City


  • For Posterity's Sake


  • The New Civil War


  • Every Mother's Son


  • And There You Stayed, Temporarily Lost at Sea


  • The Lone Rider


  • The Bible Is Not the Fourth Member of the Trinity


  • Rome Wasn't Built With Union Labor


  • Happy Birthday Mom ~revised~


  • A Beautiful Noise


  • Even Now


  • The Wearing of the Red


  • Night Ranger


  • The Joyful Traveler


  • Hoiliili "To Gather Up"


  • Ke Makakilo (My Observations)


  • He Giveth Sleep


  • Save The Children


  • 2004~
  • Lux Aeterna


  • December 2004


  • You're Joking, Right?


  • Ground Zero


  • I Am Not A Failure


  • O,To Grace, How Great A Debtor


  • Lost In Translation


  • One Small Step for Man


  • The Rainbow's End


  • Profanity


  • Taps


  • The Journey


  • Makoa's Song


  • No Aloha For The Weakest


  • The Paradoxical Comandments


  • The Time Is Now


  • 2003~
  • When No Fruit Is On The Vine



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    St Teresa Benedicta of the Cross
    St. Edith Stein~Pray for Us

    Religion Link List~

  • My Secret is Mine


  • Ignatius Insight-Online Magazine


  • Fr John Corapi SOLT


  • Dr. Scott Hahn St Paul Center


  • Fr. Mitch Pacwa~ Ignatius Productions


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  • Political Link List~
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  • Arkansas Link List~
  • Little Portion Hermitage


  • John Michael Talbot website


  • John Michael Talbot Myspace page


  • 1st United Methodist Church Bella Vista


  • Northwest Arkansas Guide



  • Mimi's Cafe


  • Metro Woman Business Directory of NW Arkansas


  • River Grille


  • Link


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  • Interactive Links~

    Live WebCam Feed from the Mauna Lani Resort, Kohalla, Big Island of Hawaii


    Click here for Aloha Joe!Live Hawaiian Music 24/7

    St Damein of Molokai'i,Patron Saint of Hawaii, Pray for us

    St. Damien of Molokai'i, Patron of Hawaii and the Outcasts among us, pray for us....

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    Hawaii Links~ ~
  • For more Hawaii links Click Here


  • Volcano Updates (Pele's Mood Meter)Hawaii Volcano Observatory

  • Hawaii Volcanoes National Park

  • Volcano Watch Archives

  • Mauna Kea Observatory

  • Pacific Tsunami Museum

  • Link

  • Link

  • Link


  • Link


  • Technorotica for Blogging~





    Blogarama - The Blog Directory

    Listed on BlogShares


    Christianity Blog Directory


  • Who Links Here...Click here to see who's linking to this site. Powered by WhoLinksToMe.com

  • Globe of Blogs~Blog search engine

  • The Blog Search Engine

  • stock xchng

  • Photobucket

  • BlogSkins

  • Link


  • Wikipedia



  • Nuzio's Place on the Web


  • Commutefaster.com


  • PING ME!


  • MWBS Wordpress Edition


  • Link


  • Technorotica for Jewelers, and the Jewelry Trade~

  • Gemological Institute of America


  • The Drouhard National Jewelers School


  • The Conner School



  • Link


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  • July 27, 2009

    Exit Stage Left

    Better days Woody and I on the farewell tour of Hawaii Polynesian Cultural Center Laie Oahu Hawaii 2005

    ...That's not to say that we know nothing about the future, because we do. Before you and I close this book and call it a day, I thought you might want to know how it all turns out. After all, life leaves us in the dark about so many things. When we're little, we think we know what we want to be when we grow up, but when we are grown, many of us no longer have a clue. We walk down the aisle, and make promises "till death do us part..." but God only knows who will part first. Our babies take their first steps across the floor just to get to us, but we have no idea where life will take them. Or if they'll still like us when they get there. We're dianosed with a cronic diseases and coldly told the survival rates, but we have no clue where our numbers fall in those statistics We watch world news and squirm with the fresh realization that a sound mind isn't necessarily a requirement for becomming a world leader. We wonder how in heaven's name some maniac hasnt lost his mind and blown up the planet yet. We blow dry our hair and wonder if we are contributing to global warming. If we live long enough, and stay lugged in enough, we end up asking the same question our parents and grandparents asked: "what's the world coming to?" We shake our heads like no one has any idea. "



    From the book " Get Out Of That Pit!" by Beth Moore Thomas Nelson Pub. 2007


    Woody left this morning for California. Check in hand for the proceeds of the house. He has a good chunk of change. I wish him well. On saturday I met him at the estate sale people's place. We both received envelopes with tallies. My total was for far less than I had hoped. My heart sank as I looked at the total.I gave up a lot of stuff, good stuff and got pennies on the dollar for it. I had hopes that there would be funds to fix my car and to have Abi spayed, to go to the doctor and to perhaps buy a few new peices of clothing so I dont look like a scarecrow when I interview. Frankly it really doesnt matter. I need what God gives me. I have given it my best shot and now I need to really focus on finding a job and finding a way to care for myself and for Abigail. I also need to gather myself and really set my heart on the things God wants for me above all else.

    Woody is ... such a mess. He has had several falls in the last week or so. He looks like he was rolled in a parking lot for his wallet. Black and blue, skinned knees, black eye. He has called me as usual but has had little to say. It is really over now. Even the shouting is done. As we walked away from the place he stopped me and promised he would call as he made the drive so I wouldnt worry.He gave me a cursory peck on the cheek, and walked to his car and drove off. I know he is angry about things, bitter towards me and the drinking is taking a huge toll. Now that I know what to look for...

    I stood there for a moment and thought about the losses I have suffered. Woody, Mak and Nani, our home, our life such as it was. But the biggest loss to me is hope. I spent so many years hopeing for better, begging God to help us. Trying to love Woody to figure out how I could be a wife when so many things that a wife normally does to give aid and comfort to her husband were not acceptable to him. I am still at a loss to say why he married me, why he stayed married to me, and what he truly feels or ever felt. It is a mystery and one that will haunt me to the end of my days.

    Looking at the empty house a few days ago, remembering the joy of its discovery and my hope that this would be the end of our journey and that we could enjoy a real life together...not perfect but peaceful and content. I know what happened and that it was my discontent that effected the change... Truly I must admit that was and is a good thing. The person that showed me this huge darkness and gapeing hole in my life left me for his new life sometime ago, but just knowing him as a friend showed me that there is more to this life than what I have experienced. He challenged me to let Woody go, to find my joy again, return to ministry and to allow God to deliver me from despair and bitterness... He was right. I live in such a poverty of soul that it frightens me to think much about the past few years. I am hard pressed to think about how I will get out of this mental/spiritual pit, but I am starting to work on that. It is my hope that soon I will be able to look back and see that this was just a dark valley, a time of germanation under the ground...a death that brings forth new life...

    And like a play, you have entrances and exits. This play in three acts...act one called California, act two called Hawaii and act three called Arkansas is over... Woody has followed his script and exited stage left...I am sitting alone again, just as I was December 14,1993, in a pool of light on the stage of life, leading worship, working in the trucking business, closer to God than ever... this is how I am reframing my life now. I will do better than survive this time. It is my fondest wish that I find answers to the deepest questions of my life. I will work the Program, and I will strive to get well. I will accept what is, forgive and let go of what can never be, and detach from what I cannot change and is no good for me. Its a long and difficult road ahead...

    And so it goes, this is now "the rest of the story"... my story continues on one day at a time.

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    July 26, 2009

    Psalm 139~ I Will Praise Him Still


    Brilliant Sunset Panama City Beach Florida

    O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
    You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
    you discern my thoughts from afar.
    You search out my path and my lying down
    and are acquainted with all my ways.
    Even before a word is on my tongue,
    behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
    You hem me in, behind and before,
    and lay your hand upon me.
    Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
    it is high; I cannot attain it.

    Where shall I go from your Spirit?
    Or where shall I flee from your presence?
    If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
    If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
    If I take the wings of the morning
    and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
    even there your hand shall lead me,
    and your right hand shall hold me.
    If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
    and the light about me be night,”
    even the darkness is not dark to you;
    the night is bright as the day,
    for darkness is as light with you.

    For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
    I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
    Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
    My frame was not hidden from you,
    when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
    Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
    in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there were none of them.

    How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
    If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
    I awake, and I am still with you.

    Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
    O men of blood, depart from me!
    They speak against you with malicious intent;
    your enemies take your name in vain!
    Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord?
    And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
    I hate them with complete hatred;
    I count them my enemies.

    Search me, O God, and know my heart!
    Try me and know my thoughts!
    And see if there be any grievous way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting!

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    July 23, 2009

    A Prayer For The Stormtossed




    Father of Heaven
    as You came to Peter
    and the other disciples
    late one stormy night
    on the Sea of Galalee
    to quell the storm
    to restore calm

    Quell the storm that rages in my soul



    Take away all fear and anxiety
    Fill me with you peace
    Grant that this trial
    May bring me closer to God
    For You, God,
    are my strength
    my hope and my song.

    Blessed in Your Name
    always Father,
    Son and Holy Spirit
    Amen and Amen



    From the Orthodox Prayer Book

    with a hat tip to Amy of The Daily Weaving

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    July 20, 2009

    Eagle Has Landed~ The 40 Year Anniversary of the Apollo Moon Landing

    Lift Off Apollo 11, Photo courtesy of NASA archives

    102:45:47 Aldrin: Mode Control, both Auto. Descent Engine Command Override, Off. Engine Arm, Off. 413 is in.

    102:45:57 Duke: We copy you down, Eagle.
    102:45:58 Armstrong (on-board): Engine arm is off. (Pause) Houston, Tranquility Base here. The Eagle has landed.

    102:46:06 Duke: (Momentarily tongue-tied) Roger, Twan...(correcting himself) Tranquility. We copy you on the ground. You got a bunch of guys about to turn blue. We're breathing again. Thanks a lot.

    102:46:16 Aldrin: Thank you
    .


    you can read the entire dialogue here


    They werent the only ones turning blue. We in my household were also parked in front of the tube, watching the flickering black and white picture as history was made and for us a difining moment in our family and the end of life as we knew it. My father had already been laid off from NASA and NAA, his employers and his dark night was to take on a deeper shade of grey


    Planting the flag on the lunar surface Courtesy NASA archives

    Every year on this day I write about my family. Not on their birthdays or holidays...this day because this was the day that transended all and defined us, certainly it shaped us. In the sacrifices of never having him at home during those earliest years. The financial depravations we suffered, and outright hardships endured, as my father underwent a massive breakdown as he watched his lifes work unfold in that screen. He was permanntly disabled mentally due to the stresses and overwork of that effort. The familial pain and outright neglect by both of my parents as they struggled through formed me and even now I am struggling to deal with some of these issues 40 years and two failed marriages later.

    I am not going to retell the story but rather point you to some of my past posts

    One Small Step... a new vision

    One Small Step for a Man

    One Giant Leap

    "Because It Is The Hardest Thing I Can Do"

    I saw the three Apollo astronauts today on Fox plugging the Mars mission effort. I am looking forward to seeing how things turn out with that.

    I want to thank anyone and everyone that was involved in that effort that was such a great acheivemnt 40 years ago, that changed all of our lives forever. The technology developed for man's leap into space, touches every facet of all of our lives. Very little of todays basic convieneces would be around if not for the "space race" of the 1960's. Perhaps the way out of this recession is investment in a future effort in space, rather than the investment in AIG.

    And to my Dad, who while wasnt the father I needed or he wanted to be, was pasionate about this effort. It captured his imagination and took him... this barely educated but briliant aircraft line worker, into a career beyond his dreams. I understand more today the destructive power of anger and unwillingnes to forgive and how it can ruin your life. It destroyed him. I pray for the repose of his soul, and ask God to forgive for my lack of forgiveness towards him. I pray that I too will have a landing soon at a Tranquility Base, where I can begin a new adventure of my own


    Salute the Colors Courtesy NASA archives

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    July 19, 2009

    Obadiah 1:4~ The Eagle Shall Land


    tropical Skies over Hawksnest Ravine Metfield Bella Vista AR

    A family friend told me that verse was read by Charlie Duke at the Houston Mission Control off microphone while the LEM was positioning for landing on the lunar surface. It is very appropriate for tomorrows anniversary


    Though you soar aloft like the eagle,
    though your nest is set among the stars,
    from there I will bring you down,
    declares the Lord.

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    July 13, 2009

    The Sundering

    The Hale Pau'ana Huakai...The House At the End Of The Long Journey...certainly the place where the journey ended for Woody and I.

    Neither of you can return to the house...by the time we are done with the sale no beds or furniture will be left it will all be sold to the bare walls.Both of your items are laid out side by side... It would not be fair to either of you if you came in when we arent here... The lady running our eastate sale pronounced to me...

    The house is sold, the insurance company is paying to put a new roof on, and the neighbors have pitched in to help Woody clear away the accumulated grime of the neglect of months...I tried to start on it myself, and found that my grief, my disappointment and frankly overflowing anger and hurt did not allow me to do much... Woody parked on his ass watching golf while I tried to vacum with a wand that was only three feet long... I think he wanted to see me struggle with that so I would be stooped over in a groveling position. We ended up shouting and I heard for the upteenth time that I only am to him the sum of our accumulated wealth...which he has squandered and blames me for the situation we find ourselves in, he had only to look around at our treasures amidsts the filth... the gold amidst the trash... Our dream home, our dream life in ruins, It was never real because you only have life if you make it...living on the largesse of others is not living... You never go anywhere if you dont work for it. It was a life... but I was the only one driving it, and without the help of a partner wanting to go in the same direction, it was bound to crash.

    Aloha my Popoki Makoa and KaNani...

    If there are two creatures that have suffered through the desperation of our separation and divorce its Mak and Nani. I saw them a few days ago and they were in terrible shape. Overweight, matted and claws so overgrown that they are having surgery in the coming days to fix their feet and relieve the pain. Their new caregiver is their vet, who is going to try to find a good home for them... why dont I take them...because I may very well need to move soon and that could mean couch surfing, living in a small apartment, or living at a friends home. Abigail has a home with her breeder as long as I need to leave her there... Mak and Nani have been astranged from me since 2007 when I broke my foot. They became afraid of me then I worked nights and went to Louisville. They have forgotten I am their mom...the one that took them out of the cardboard box in the Hilo Famer's market, fretted over them and cried for them as we flew from Honolulu to Houston. Now they hiss when I try to go near them, and their mats are so deep that their skin is sore, so petting is unpleasent and hurts them. I know that things will be better for them any place but where they were

    I didnt see them off today, as I was working... but I trust that Woody loves them and will do whats right for them...Its all I can do.

    My Chinese desk symbolic of my business and my time in Hawaii

    I took my things, including this fragile desk and related peices to the estate liquidators who salivated over it. I believe over half of the stuff that I brought here to Peartree was returned to the house for the sale. I filled the space in the house with something else, and its ok. The extra space is good... the money will be good and the letting go of something that will not make another journey intact... very good. My style has changed. My life has changed. A sleeker, more streamlined look, easier to clean and manage is more appropriate for me. The fabrics,patterns, books of my former domestic life, where I danced, made costumes and all of my own clothing has come to an end for now. It needs to be sold while it still has value, and here in quilting sewing heaven it does! All of the equipment I purchased for my aborted business is being looked at by jewelry pros in the area that are game to try at what I have no nerve to do now. I am letting go of that dream so I can change my life for the better. I have a plan now and if I can get a job soon I will be ok... selling this stuff will buy me time to get under way.

    I am also letting go... so what is left of ME will stay intact. Woody is an alcoholic he confrims it by his loud denials and running around the neighborhood finding out if I have "talked" behind his back. I know that he is moving on, headed to a couch, and a job in California and that this is God's plan for me. I wish it could be on good terms.

    But I fear that this will not be the case. I have yet to meet a drunk that refused help and still cared about his/her confrontor. Either your beloved drunk gets help, or you need to get going. My mother stayed for 30 years with my Dad. She had her reasons, but I am not going to do that and didnt do that. I also dont have to stay defeated either. Yes, I am going to my first meeting tomorrow night, and yes I am going to get well, whatever that means. If it means sleeping on a friends couch for a bit OK. It may mean 30 days at NW Arkansas Womens Shelter, that could be a good experience... If it means moving 1000 miles south I will do that. If it means uncertainty while I wait on God, and learn the true meaning of faith, I am committed to doing that.

    I felt torn asunder this past weekend...I think today...thats a good thing. Its a finality that needed to happen. The Sundering, all of us going our separate ways frees me for what God has for me next. Abi and I are waiting, praying and hoping...

    The New Journey is just beginning....

    Woody in our backyard with my beloved Annabelle when she was three months old two years ago August 2007

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    July 12, 2009

    Psalm 18:1-3,6,16-19,25-28,30-32,35-36,46,49~Praise To God In Time of Trial

    Summer Pastures Carroll County Arkansas

    A Psalm of Praise

    I love you, O Lord, my strength.
    The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
    my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge,
    my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
    I call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised,
    and I am saved from my enemies.

    In my distress I called upon the Lord;
    to my God I cried for help.
    From his temple he heard my voice,
    and my cry to him reached his ears.

    He sent from on high, he took me;
    he drew me out of many waters.
    He rescued me from my strong enemy
    and from those who hated me,
    for they were too mighty for me.
    They confronted me in the day of my calamity,
    but the Lord was my support.
    He brought me out into a broad place;
    he rescued me, because he delighted in me.

    With the merciful you show yourself merciful;
    with the blameless man you show yourself blameless;
    with the purified you show yourself pure;
    and with the crooked you make yourself seem tortuous.
    For you save a humble people,
    but the haughty eyes you bring down.
    For it is you who light my lamp;
    the Lord my God lightens my darkness.

    For who is God, but the Lord?
    And who is a rock, except our God?—
    the God who equipped me with strength
    and made my way blameless.

    You have given me the shield of your salvation,
    and your right hand supported me,
    and your gentleness made me great.
    You gave a wide place for my steps under me,
    and my feet did not slip.

    The Lord lives, and blessed be my rock,
    and exalted be the God of my salvation—

    For this I will praise you, O Lord, among the people,
    and sing to your name.



    July 07, 2009

    The Other Woman

    The Stranger I Married Woody at Springfield Plantation, Mississippi

    Started 7-02-09

    When I did open my eyes, it was because I had to. And the man who showed me the truth was a fellow sufferer and a layman. Through him,I saw at last, and I stepped from the abyss to solid ground, knowing at once that my feet were on the broad highway if I chose to walk. ~Bill W with a hat tip to dear Scott at Attitude of Gratitude


    My week this week has been one of surrender and discovery... of break through and heartbreak...and truthfully I feel more clear minded than I have in a long while. Like Brother Bill I feel like I have gained a footing and can walk if I choose...

    It began a week ago, Woody came to the cottage to see little Abigail (little Ha! shes a whopping 6 pounds and a sturdy little piglet and goes into a frenzy when he comes over.)I have been struggling trying to stay positive in the face of criticism that I myself am somehow to blame for my situation. I have looked hard at my spiritual state not just now but in the past when I for want of a better word, cursed Woody for his weakness, his lack of...backbone... his neglect of me and our needs. Even as the foundation of our lives crumbled he would look me in the eye and say no to any sort of attempt to look for a job or seem to care. I know that I came to a place of speaking death rather than life into the situation, that only hurts myself. Now I find that everything that I ever wished on Woody is befalling me. I have repented and know that God will help me...

    I was surprised at Woody's visit but even more surprised when he told me that he had been thinking a lot about my relationship with a mutual friend, and that with the recent disclosures of the Governor of South Carolina and his.."soul mates" ahem... that he felt he would ask... since there was a time in my life when I preferred married men to all other possibilities, had I crossed the line with this married man?...

    No... the answer is no. In my heart...well... the heart wants what it wants and I have been hard pressed to deal with it at times... This has been a long struggle. In December of 2007 I wrote this piece about my struggles with my thought life. Its a hard road especially with my emotional life so barren. And with life harder and harder its been easier to indulge this. I know for a fact that the feeling is mutual with this person in a vague sort of way. I can tell and so could Woody the last time the three of us were together in the same place. I am not sure why he asked and was even more surprised that my little pet sin was so obvious to the guy who is a self described empathetic mud puddle... about that deep and that murky... Frankly I never thought that he paid that much attention to the deeper parts of my life... The gentleman in question took a new job a while back and moved his family hundreds of miles away. We talk once in a while but likely I wont see him again. Do I think God is in this? You betcha... For all of our sakes...

    The next day was Sunday. Rev Sara did a bang up job, but Pastor David was very much missed. People only mentioned it in a hushed whisper. People want to do the right thing and life will go on... I came home and thought a lot about this whole situation. My situation with unemployment and divorce and the whole mess. I felt a distinct change in my church community as it tries to ajust to regime change and new set up. It added to my sense of loss and confusion...add Woody's questions and well...

    I couldn't wait to unload all of this on my counselor Susan... who has been patiently waited for me to tell all someday... she got the whole story... A story that she had been waiting for for weeks...My emotional affair, that is crushing the life out of me because when you cant really have your Beloved the stress and pain can be overwhelming. For me the thought that I could actually feel something for someone, I felt alive... But in truth its like these young people that cut themselves with razorblades pathologically, It damages you even as you "feel" something. I think the worst thing is that it takes you out of the present and you cant live in the moment while doing this. And if you go too far it becomes adultery according to Our Lord... I never thought about this situation that way before.

    So I left Susan with homework to practice speaking forgiveness, to three people in particular. First Woody, then Mr. Wonderful, for innocently egging me on in my day dreams, and mostly for myself... Truly this had a great effect almost from the beginning. There was a bit of a formula and I used that every time I thought of it. This was a great thing and I found it really helped. I would get to put it to the test in 72 hours

    Both Woody and I are preparing for an estate sale, we both have gone through all of our things and selected what we want to keep and the rest will be sold. Woody is selling 99 percent of what he possesses I am hauling over about 1/3 of my stuff. But because most of the stuff I am selling is small and practical I may make more that Woody selling the beautiful furniture of our Hawaiian Dreamtime.

    One thing we hadnt done was go through all of our personal papers sorting throwing out and dividing up. We talked about things that only the two of us know about here. I will miss that. I am losing the only person that knows about a large part of my life, our mutual history. Out time in Calvary Chapel, out time in Hawaii, no one else knows about our struggle...

    Woody and I talked about my situation and then out of the blue he said he had something that he needed to share with me but first he sent me to the refrigerator to get a soda... I opened it up...

    It was full of bottles of hard liquor. I took the soda out and opened the freezer door... There were more in there. Super cold, so you can drink it straight out of the bottle if you want... I was horrified.

    I closed the door and went back into the dining room. Woody looked at me and said "I have a mistress..." I said "Well, how is that going?" He said "OK"... I said "You can get help for that..." "I dont want any help, I want to be left alone..."

    As you all know... I have 100 questions about our marriage. About why things were the way they were. If you take most of those questions, and answer the question with "alcohol addiction"...it makes perfect sense. Our financial problems, Woody's peculiar behavior, his lethergy and sloth. His not being able to keep a job and no one wanting to hire him. The reason he never let me see the bank statements for his personal accounts....The reason he didnt want me around... wanted me to go to Louisville and not to return...

    I forgave him. I forgave the suicidal mayhem he has unleashed on himself. He takes anti depressants and is diabetic. This is why they cant get his meds stable and why his sugar is sky high and they want to put him on the needle. His weight is going down but he is getting bigger... That is his liver distending... How did I not see this...

    Because the wife is the last to know.

    7-4 I spoke to him tonight. He admitted to drinking till he passed out but he only did that because he thought I had been in the house and done some stuff... Truth is that he had a blackout and didnt know what he had experienced. I am concerned about him, but the first thing I must do is to let go. I encouraged him to get help and changed the subject. If he is powerless over alcohol, I am powerless over his choice to misuse it and that is the beginning of my recovery. It going to be a long process but I am ready to begin, even if he is not, Its my journey to make, and walking in forgiveness, in Aloha is the way I am going to make it, one day at a time....

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    July 06, 2009

    Happy Birthday Woody



    Its always hard for me to deal with your birthday, I dont know who you are and less so this year...Our lives havent changed much since this 2005 post





    I know that you are struggling with your own demons and I understand the pain of that. My only wish is that we had more time and that we had perhaps had the benefit of counseling. But neither of use were ready for that. Perhaps it is best that things lie where they will





    Happy Birthday, my friend, for no matter what has happened, you are still counted as my friend. It has been a hard long road especially this last year

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    July 05, 2009

    Matthew 25:31-46~The Final Judgment

     
    View from the Ko'olau mountains Oahu Hawaii
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    The Final Judgment

    “When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on his glorious throne.Before him will be gathered all the nations, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats.And he will place the sheep on his right, but the goats on the left.Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world.For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me,I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink?And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you?And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’

    “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels.For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink,I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.’Then they also will answer, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you?’Then he will answer them, saying, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.’And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”

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    July 01, 2009

    ...A Story About Him...

    Glorious Dawn over Panama City Beach FL


    Anoint my heart with the oil of Your mercy,
    my most merciful Lord.
    May neither anger against the strong
    nor scorning of the weak ever erupt in my heart!
    For everything is weaker than the morning dew.
    May hatred never make a nest in my heart
    against those who plot evil against me,
    so that I may be mindful of their end
    and be at peace.


    Morning Cloudscape Panama City Beach FL

    Mercifulness opens the way
    to the heart of all creatures,
    and brings joy.
    Mercilessness brings fog to the fore,
    and creates a cramped isolation.
    Have mercy on Your merciful servant,
    most Tender Hand,
    and reveal to me the mystery
    of Your mercy.
    The Ultimate Man
    is the child of the Father’s mercy
    and the Spirit’s light.


    A dancing hermit crab, at low tide. Panama City Beach FL


    All creation is merely a story about Him.
    The mighty suns in the heavens
    and the smallest drops of water in the lake
    can in themselves be one part of the story about Him.
    All the builders of heaven and earth,
    from the exceedingly mighty Seraphim
    to rulers and the tiniest particle of dust,
    tell the very same story about Him,
    their fore-essence and fore-source.
    What are all the things on the earth
    and the moon except the sun in stories?
    Truly, in this way
    all visible and invisible creation
    is the Ultimate Man in stories.


    Wind Swept Salt Grass, Cape San Blas, Fl


    Essence is simple,
    but there is no end or number
    to the stories about essence.
    My neighbors, how can I tell you about essence,
    when you do not even understand stories.
    Ah if you only knew how great the sweetness,
    the expanse, and the strength are,
    when one reaches the bottom of all the stories—there,
    where the stories begin and where they end.
    There, where the tongue is silent
    and where everything is told at once!
    How boring all the lengthy
    and tedious stories of creatures become then!
    Truly, they become just as boring
    as it is for one who is accustomed
    to seeing lightning to hear stories about lightning.


    Evening Seas Sunset over the Gulf Panama City Beach FL

    Receive me into Yourself,
    O Only-Begotten Son,
    so that I may be one with You
    as I was before creation and the fall.
    Let my long and weary story about You end
    with a moment’s vision of You.
    Let my self-deception die,
    that would have me think that I am something without You,
    that I am something else outside of You.
    My ears are stuffed with stories.
    My eyes no longer seek to see
    any display of clothing but You,
    my essence, overladen with stories and clothing.


    from Prayers by the Lake

    by St Nikolai Velimirovic

    with a hat tip to The Handmaid at Christ is in our Midst

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