April 06, 2004
The Journey
I heard " Writer's Almanac" tonight on my way home from my first dance class, and a poem was read written by Mary Oliver, I was going to try to find it, but I didn't... I found one by her that was better for the subject of my blog:
The Journey
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.
© Mary Oliver
This is my story, but it was first my mothers story.
Today is her birthday, she turned 72. She said when I called her yesterday that it is strange that she is 72. She thinks to herself that she should be able to do this or that, of course forgetting that the ravages of time, Parkinsons, and a life not too easy has made this impossible. She longs for a freedom that is not available to her. And of chances to re-take...
What would each of us do over again if we could change some point in our history? And if we changed it, what would change along with it? Its a heavy thing...
A friend once said of his life, "yeah, I wasn't going to be like my folks. Funny, one day I looked in the mirror and realized I looked just like my dad..Was working a bazillion hours just like him and for what?" He quit his job and moved the family to a small town in Oregon where he ran a fishing tackle biz... He reinvented himself and reconstituted his life and was happy.
My Mother didn't get to run away from home to "re-invent" herself. She could have, but it would have ment leaving us with my Dad who I know loved us but was so mentally ill that he was no fit parent without supervision, or with it for that matter. So she stuck out a marraige made in hell for 30 years. People that didnt know us well couldnt understand the relief we all felt when my Dad died of cancer in 1992. At that point she "saved the only life she could save, her own."as the poet expressed. I still honor her for not cutting and running the many times she had the chance to do so.
The thing that she would have changed was to never have gone out on a first date with a unbeliever. I know that there are young people reading this blog and that is my admonition to you. Dating does lead to marriage, choose your dates wisely.
I have a similar thing I would have changed. I would have rethought out my marriage too. But I listened to everyone but my heart and married Woody. He does love me in his own way but our life is not what God would have for us, I believe...
Choose wisely and follow your gut instincts. They are right 99% of the time.
In the end all we can do is to "save ourselves" paddle our own canoe, and throw ourselves on the mercy of the Living God. He is truly there when all else fails us and His compassion is new every morning. As a dear friend was fond of saying..."Its all about the Journey..."
Happy Birthday Mom, May God Bless you as you take these steps of faith in this final stage of the journey.
