October 31, 2004

I Am Not a Failure....

The Island of Healing, Coconut Island Hilo Bay

Leaving the scene of disappointments has often meant that I have failed. I wasn't "enough" I didnt "try hard enough." or that I was weak and wasn't up to the task at hand.

I have had countless jobs... Many where it was said "hey we couldn't have done it without you..." but I never was promoted or given the needed and deserved raise. I saw women that were cuter and smaller and perhaps more clever than I go ahead of me... Not to mention the men... I have worked 100+ hour weeks, sleeping in my office. I worked my last office job for a Christian Organization till the Carpal Tunnel was so bad that I was screaming then was told that it was my fault that I didnt say something or get myself a better chair... It all got fixed when I told them I needed a better lawyer... (Sometimes faith is more than the things hoped for, its the evidence of the things not seen... Like "back up"... This is sort of a joke out of the most unjokable books in the New testament, Hebrews...)

I have beat myself, and allowed others to beat me up for love, for money, for security, and for the perverse pleasure of being a beaten up doormat. Both mentally and sadly, physically.

I have given my all to people, some of whom said that they loved me, others were more honest and took what I offered without thanks. the ones that told me how much they loved me and that what I did was great and above and beyond, but here is the door hurt so much worse. This includes parents and sibling, a husband, "friends" employers and life in general...

So this week I have been walking around in a fog of numbness... Numbing myself for the "failure" of Hawaii. My failure to ajust, to go with the flow, to have Aloha,. Woody's lack of motivation and lack of Special Skills (whatever the heck that means, you have to do something totally indispensable to beat out cousin Chuckie for any job...If I hear the words "just get a flunkie job at WalMart" again, I will scream!)My lack of "specialness" that kept my from getting a decent job... the only two jobs I have held here one I left after three months when the office manager told me that I would have to start "cooking the books " and fudging on cash sales to avoid taxes, and the other at the Black Pearl Galleries where I was the only GIA certificated sales person, but was the lowest paid, and was never compensated for the design work ro the training that I gave to others. I had to quit to get them to even consider giving me an hourly raise and that was so paltry compared to what they have given others that I burst out laughing at it... It was that abuse that birthed Azure Seas Jewelry, and all that it has meant to me.

My Child, my Beloved... I fear idolatry has set in so placing it on the altar is the best thing in the world... Selling the store, and moving on is the best thing for me no matter what. Even if we could stay which we cant...

We had a Real Estate guy in and after he went over the numbers and looked everything over he said that no matter how you slice it, by the actual profits or the cash flow... We have been a profitable business from the beginning...a flat out miracle. A terrible location and two moves not withstanding, we turned a real profit enough for him to base a selling price that is nearly 5 times current inventory and twice our cash investment... I nearly fell on the floor...

Could be salesmanship BS...Maybe, but what sold me was how when I said that "I felt like I had failed as I couldn't hold out till the store could support us,by way of the repair business" he was so cool and said " Hey, you just cant do this anymore, its hard and you are tired and you didnt fail at all... You did incredibly well"

He said that again before he left. The fog has lifted somewhat. I think I can do this. Sell my dream...

As Woody and I drove home I saw a glimpse of Wailoa Park that I have not seen before looking at it from the harbor side of Monono St. We have had torrential rains and Mauna Kea was wreathed in Dark Grey Clouds over her SNOW blanket... I failed to tell you that we came home to snow on the mountain. It is going to be a rough winter I think. I was struck by how beautiful it was and I remembered how wonderful the four months were after my former husband told me he was leaving, until he left... Im sure now that we have said "Yes we are leaving..." That the jobs will come and all will be well... Life is perverse like that.

The separation finally came then the divorce finally came for Jeff and I, and it will come for me and my beloved Hawaii. Once we leave, sell our house, there will be no return to live here. I know that. What I love is the superficial, like Disneyland you love the outward show, but you go behind the facade and you see how ugly and ...Well you get the picture... I so long for my version of this place that the painful reality is very hard.

I had no clue... We met so many people that warned us, but we couldn't comprehend what they were talking about. Woody likens it to the Church that we were a part of when we met. Sometimes people would just stop comming. They had been asked to not come back for one reason or another... There were other things like that that I could hardly believe until the day it happened to me. "Nothing gets you till the door hit YOU in the rear and knocks you out..." he said.

Woody made a generous offer to me to stay here use his inheritance money to supplement his earnings and I could get a job and we would try some more... I said no that its not right that he is still unhappy and that isn't going to change... Its time to go and I am ready now.

I can go with my head held high. I am not a failure, I did the nearly impossible with the help of Almighty God. He has lead me all the way safe thus far and can be depended upon to stay the course and lead me safely home... Where ever that may be...