January 09, 2005

Ke Makakilo (My Observations)

Hilo Sunset

I was sitting here at the computer last night and I just couldn't write. Too much stuff to contemplate. So I crashed into bed at 8:30, an unheard of early hour for me and slept in this morning. Stiff from too much time in bed but maybe I have caught up a bit on my shut eye.

Part of my writers block was that I was flat out exhausted from my day at the store. Saturday is usually a very dead day... Surprisingly but yesterday I had a number of people in and not all of them visitors. Local people saw the ad in the paper about our clearance and stopped in and a few took things home... One couple took 15 things home...It was nearly a personal best day and certainly was for the number of items that left. Thank You God!. My biggest fear is that we wont sell enough stuff and it will all go to ebay and go for pennies on the dollar.

I am also overwhelmed by the "decay" here at home. Woody finally hired a lawn guy and the yards are being done, Its so far gone that it will take three days to get the place cleared and cleaned up. The woodwork and trim is all covered with mildew and that will need to be pressure washed. Here in the house the floors are in need of mopping and the place is full of piles of this and that. I am an indifferent house keeper, my skills never improving much beyond those of an 8 year old, that was told to keep house without much of a notion of how to go about it. I can cook and sew and run a washer, but I dont see the dirt until its so obvious that it borders on disgusting... Woody's bathroom is so bad that I just close the door and well... Its bad...to the point of nasty.

True, Id rather blog, write letters and read than do anything else... Especially today. Its cold grey and nasty outside. And you thought that it was always sunny and wonderfully warm here... Well I guess it is I mean its 73...That's a heat wave to you in places where its sub zero just now!

I had a small hope regarding a future endeavor, but, well, feel like, those that encouraged my interest in it are now not so sure I should do it. Sort of feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. I get very little support for anything I do, including breathing, around here... Its not like I have a huge group or support system so when one or two people pour cold water on something that you are excited about, it works out to be a large percentage of your core support group. It leaves you cold and unsure about your strong feelings...I ignored the nay sayers about the store... to my peril...so now I am not sure...

Truth is I want to do nothing. Im done trying to make a career. I have been told by everyone that I have EVER worked with..."Gee, Im not sure that you are suitable for this job..." Even Woody, who decided before we were married that I was a good companion, but that I wasn't suitable to be the mother of his children, so he has made sure that wouldn't happen... I have no idea what I am "suitable" for...Please dont tell me to take one of the myriad of tests for this, because I have taken them, and have done what they said I would be "suitable" for,and its still been a flop.

What the hell is wrong with me...

Its hard to be brave and sure and strong all of the time. As I look around me and ponder my next Trans Pacific move to a place this time that I have never been before and have only the positive affirmations of people that I do trust, to tell me how much I will "love it"... Woody is excited about any project that puts him into the future and out of a difficult present... so he cares little about the wrenching and ignores the little nuances that I will miss terribly for leaving Hawaii... Not the least of which is this blog and not knowing if I will have anything worth while to say here where ever I go to geographically.

The leaving Hawaii..."Well buy a piece of land so you can come back when you want to..." I have thought about it, but it seems like if we or I want to come back that we shouldn't leave in the first place. Its sort of like the looking back that God forbade different ones... Abram, Lot, (look what looking back cost him and his wife)the Hebrews in the wilderness, (40 years of marching in the desert... No thanks) Orpah, the other daughter in law of Naomi, who stayed in Moab instead of going back to Bethlehem with he mother in law... Ruth, who didn't look back, was rewarded handsomely for her efforts... I dont want to look backwards but forwards...

"When do you want to move" was the question I was asked on the phone by a moving estimator..."How about never?" I was tempted to say, but said "April"... Where are you going?..."Gee I dont know yet... Do I have to know?"

I dont want to be such a downer... but I know now why my Dad crashed and burned emotionally on that miserable July day in 1969. He had run out of things to live for, and had too many questions that he couldn't answer about his life and was too sick and sad to try anymore...I dont want to get that low down... but sometimes in the dark of night here, I can see how that could be. Its just too hard sometimes, life is... and in crying out to God, who seems to want me to work through this on my own, my prayers are hitting a brick wall. I cannot let go... I have no place to go to and no future hopes. I cant see through the fog of grief right now and guess I must just keep placing one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward.