May 22, 2006
scattered sky farm near Caldwell AR...
Lord, teach us to number our days that we might gain a heart of wisdom Pslam 90:12
"Hoku, you simply must come in and work this week end we have to catch up..."
"Oh, Bosslady, with all due respect I have worked 69 hours this week already, slept twelve hours and my whole body aches with fatigue. I have come to the end of myself and must stop...
"Hoku pick Saturday or Sunday preferably both. Im sorry, we all have things to do but this is start up and it wont be forever..."
I think to myself...Yah, right, I know better than that...If I had kids, she wouldnt push me. Kid people get extra time no questions asked..."Not Sunday"
" Good, the saturday it is, says boss lady"
"No, I didnt say that. I cant come this weekend..." I think to myself "Yeah, the last saturday I worked was spent doing a lot of meaningless reports for the account and not touch my own work. "I have worked out my stuff out till June first."
"You have to resign yourself to working extra, this is start up. Think of the money and the fact that you will certainly be promoted if you stay on..."
"Im sorry, I m not comming in"
"Hummp! You will never get anywhere...."
And so goes the war... A war of values. What most people value is money and having more and more of it. They think of prestige, and more stuff....sometimes its just having enough to make two ends meet.... I have learned a powerful truth, that your wages represent valuable irreplaceable hours of your life and you must not hold your time cheaply. I value my time the way a miser values his gold. The hours of my life spin by and are gone weather I utilize them well or not. I understand that.
I said I would never go back into the freight business because it is such a demanding taskmaster. I worked and worked, did a good job but was overlooked for raises and promotions. I was not good enough for what ever reason. I was exploitable and abusable. I swore while in Hawaii, having endured this at the hands of the jewelry store I was working at that I would never subject myself to a situation where I would be tool in the hands of others to be used and abused. The pain I have felt this week, being yelled at, told that I do not care, that I am lazy, all happened to me before. I refuse to allow this to go on anymore.
Remember the dream? My life being packed up. That is how I feel. I don't like it. I don't feel its Gods plan for me. I am missing out on the life that I hoped for... My dreams of being a stay at home wife, or having my own business have been swallowed up by "you must have insurance" and "You must have cash to retire on..." What I must have is peace of mind and self respect. The rest happens on its own....
So I am fast tracking my idea to start my jewelry repair business again. The scale has changed. I was going to work in the garage, but we really need to have the garage for our cars. We see many cars with hail damage and know that we need to park the vehicles inside. The space is the wrong configuration anyway. So I approached Woody with the idea of building a studio either over the garage or attached to our back bedroom where we have the computers and TV. The idea of having it upstairs above the garage appeals to me for security and set apartness. If I can just have a little patio room, like a four season sunroom built over the garage, with a half bath...(what luxury)that is accessible from the inside of the garage, that would be ideal. Doug Glen, the jeweler in Hawaii that I apprenticed with had a 5 bench shop with casting operation in 10 by 15. I would need less than that, but often with contractors, you have to do what is "in scale", as well as what is permitable.
Woody agreed that we should start a fact finding and that should start a business plan. He is not opposed to taking out a home equity line of credit to do this and to build the room buy the equipment and provide money for supplies. I have saved nearly 10,000.00 in the year we have been here, between day trading and working. So I will have a large portion of needed capital set aside. I said Id never mortgage the house again, but I am mortgaging my soul if I allow myslef to be a doormat for a few bucks. Its worth the risk.
In September of 2002 I sat in class at U of H in Hilo on writing business plans, The teacher was to become my dearest friend in Hawaii my mentor and confidant Kathy Hammes. She said something that resonated with me. First, that most small businesses are conceived as a result of employers not caring for their businesses or employees. Two, that owning a small business gathers the scattered values of the owner focusing them into a refining vision that builds up the builder of the business.
I have felt scattered like Bella Vista Leaves in the winter wind... Now things are comming into focus. I will keep praying...but I am getting into the river again and seeing if it parts before me. If not I will swim. But I will get somewhere. Because where I am standing is not acceptable, my values are too important to me to allow them to be scattered by others to trample on as they plunge to their own ends.