November 21, 2008
Colateral Damage
Trees Aflame Bella Vista First United Methodist Church Bella Vista AR
No no noone is angry...we are just taking separate bedrooms to the next level...
Woody on our separation
No one is angry...One of the things that I have noticed is that my anger level is way down. I did snap at Woody last night, but only because I was startled. I was tired and depressed as well...lots of things on my mind and well, few people to share them with.
I sit out on my lanai looking at the view of the forest. The view is not as nice at the new place. My lot sits on what was an old fire road, then just beyond that the ground drops off into a ravine. Few trees are left around me. The home next to me has a cleared back yard, and on the other side are vacant building lots. The subdivision is very desirable so those lots may yet be sold. I cant do anything about how things will turn out if that happens. I feel rather naked and exposed without the trees around me.
I am packing up my things... I feel naked with out my "stuff" as well, but I am fighting the urge to fill my new house with junk and to that end I am touching everything I pack up and hopefully all that I take will have substance and meaning and not just clutter up my life. I have also been shopping for furnishings, with the idea that less is more and to not succumb to the "best deal" if I am not totally in love with the stuff. Spend a bit more to get a better quality and think twice before pulling the trigger. Having Woody with me on these forays has been both strange and helpful. Strange because of the situation, helpful because he loves shopping and like that girlfriend that loves to shop with you and get the best deal he is right on that, and with negotiate just for the sake of barganing I think...
what woman wouldnt want to be in this position? new house new stuff ... But I feel like I am dragging myself along and it feels really awful at times. I want to cry but nothing comes out anymore...
I and my life are colateral damage. My loss of my dream is part and parcel of the economic debacle, and my own lack of well realistic planning. I surrendered the much loved space I was going to put the business in to the landlord. The money and planning down the drain with this is horrendous, but the loss to my heart is even more difficult.
Its about as hard a thing as I have ever done. Part of this dismal feeling is the fact that I am not opening the business, and I am worried that I wont be able to get a job that will support me during this time of recession both personal and national. I am applying for transportation jobs...there seems to be quite a few openings on line. I also got a lead on a trade shop that is opening in Rogers...this is like what I was planning to do...I will be contacting this man right away and sending out resumes for jewelry work once I am settled.
But I want to remind myself that I am truly blessed. I remember the frightened young woman I was 20 years ago at this time when I was frantically looking for an apartment to rent and no one would hardly talk to me because I had so little money,and my job was marginal. I was poorly dressed and all of my hair had been broken off, fallen out or burnt off as a result of a bad perm 8 weeks prior. I was a beautiful mess, unable to hardly plan how I was going to go about things. It wasnt until after Christmas in 1988, after the Engineer flipped out and beat me senseless, than black-eyed and on the run, I found a place that turned out to be owned by people from my church who couldnt get me moved in fast enough...2008 is so different and I thank God fasting for that...
Yet I still feel odd, awkward and a touch strange about it all. I suppose I will feel better once I have moved out and my life is totally my own. But I cant shake the feeling that I screwed myself and Woody financially. We are struggling along and like so many we are seeing our dreams evaporate like fog before the sun. Thankfully you can see more clearly once the fog has lifted
Labels: Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Business start up, Scenic Arkansas
