November 21, 2008

Colateral Damage

Trees Aflame Bella Vista First United Methodist Church Bella Vista AR

No no noone is angry...we are just taking separate bedrooms to the next level...

Woody on our separation

No one is angry...One of the things that I have noticed is that my anger level is way down. I did snap at Woody last night, but only because I was startled. I was tired and depressed as well...lots of things on my mind and well, few people to share them with.

I sit out on my lanai looking at the view of the forest. The view is not as nice at the new place. My lot sits on what was an old fire road, then just beyond that the ground drops off into a ravine. Few trees are left around me. The home next to me has a cleared back yard, and on the other side are vacant building lots. The subdivision is very desirable so those lots may yet be sold. I cant do anything about how things will turn out if that happens. I feel rather naked and exposed without the trees around me.

I am packing up my things... I feel naked with out my "stuff" as well, but I am fighting the urge to fill my new house with junk and to that end I am touching everything I pack up and hopefully all that I take will have substance and meaning and not just clutter up my life. I have also been shopping for furnishings, with the idea that less is more and to not succumb to the "best deal" if I am not totally in love with the stuff. Spend a bit more to get a better quality and think twice before pulling the trigger. Having Woody with me on these forays has been both strange and helpful. Strange because of the situation, helpful because he loves shopping and like that girlfriend that loves to shop with you and get the best deal he is right on that, and with negotiate just for the sake of barganing I think...

what woman wouldnt want to be in this position? new house new stuff ... But I feel like I am dragging myself along and it feels really awful at times. I want to cry but nothing comes out anymore...

I and my life are colateral damage. My loss of my dream is part and parcel of the economic debacle, and my own lack of well realistic planning. I surrendered the much loved space I was going to put the business in to the landlord. The money and planning down the drain with this is horrendous, but the loss to my heart is even more difficult.

Its about as hard a thing as I have ever done. Part of this dismal feeling is the fact that I am not opening the business, and I am worried that I wont be able to get a job that will support me during this time of recession both personal and national. I am applying for transportation jobs...there seems to be quite a few openings on line. I also got a lead on a trade shop that is opening in Rogers...this is like what I was planning to do...I will be contacting this man right away and sending out resumes for jewelry work once I am settled.

But I want to remind myself that I am truly blessed. I remember the frightened young woman I was 20 years ago at this time when I was frantically looking for an apartment to rent and no one would hardly talk to me because I had so little money,and my job was marginal. I was poorly dressed and all of my hair had been broken off, fallen out or burnt off as a result of a bad perm 8 weeks prior. I was a beautiful mess, unable to hardly plan how I was going to go about things. It wasnt until after Christmas in 1988, after the Engineer flipped out and beat me senseless, than black-eyed and on the run, I found a place that turned out to be owned by people from my church who couldnt get me moved in fast enough...2008 is so different and I thank God fasting for that...

Yet I still feel odd, awkward and a touch strange about it all. I suppose I will feel better once I have moved out and my life is totally my own. But I cant shake the feeling that I screwed myself and Woody financially. We are struggling along and like so many we are seeing our dreams evaporate like fog before the sun. Thankfully you can see more clearly once the fog has lifted

Labels: Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Business start up, Scenic Arkansas

November 17, 2008

Make Lemonade

Dawn over the Ozarks, The Greens at Tanyard Creek, Bella Vista Arkansas...

post started nov 15 2008 3 am

While the deteriorating economy was the biggest problem for the market, two other issues seemed to weight on markets.

One was skepticism Friday that the Group of 20 conference this weekend in Washington, D.C., would produce major results.

The other was whether Congress could get economic stimulus legislation passed in the lame-duck session opening next week. The biggest concern seemed to be whether a rescue package for the domestically headquartered auto industry could be enacted before a major crisis erupted.

The issue is already wrapped up in post-election politics. President Bush called on Congress to give U.S. auto makers quick access to a $25 billion federal loan program by dropping a requirement that the money be spent on converting to fuel-efficient vehicles. Democrats want to tap into the $700 financial rescue pool.

Market volatility will probably continue next week. Reports on wholesale and consumer inflation are due Tuesday and Wednesday.

Plus, investors will have to digest a new round of gloomy earnings reports from retailers Target (TGT,) and Lowe's (LOW, ) on Monday and Home Depot (HD, news, msgs) and Pacific Sunwear (PSUN, ) on Tuesday.

Retailers including Nordstrom (JWN,), Kohl's (KSS,), Best Buy (BBY, ) and Abercrombie & Fitch (ANF,) issued dour outlooks this week, and the government's report on retail sales was taken as confirmation that consumers are simply not spending like they used to.

It suggests, as Lakshman Achuthan, managing director at the Economic Cycle Research Institute in New York put it, "Not only is no economic recovery on the horizon, but the economy is falling off a cliff at its fastest pace in at least six decades."

At the same time, a big question for many traders is whether the market's huge rally on Thursday is the signal that a bottom for the stock market is forming.

The Dow was down 266 points on Thursday morning, with the S&P 500 and Nasdaq Composite breaking well below their lows of October, when a powerful buying surge hit the market. The finish pulled all major indexes well above their closing lows on Oct. 27.

Bottoms take time to form, usually months. The market hit a low in October 2002, for example, and tested it many times before finally breaking sharply higher six months later.

Stocks briefly pulled off opening lows after the University of Michigan consumer sentiment index came in higher than expected. The survey showed a reading of 57.9 in November, slightly higher than the reading of 57.6 in late October. Economists expected a reading of 56.5.

Crude oil closed at $57.04 a barrel, down $1.20 from Thursday and 6.6% on the week. Crude had been as low as $55.69 early in the day. Worries about demand have steadily pushed oil down from its record closing high of $145.08 on July 12.

Meanwhile, gasoline prices continue to fall. The average price of a gallon of unleaded regular gas was down 3 cents to $2.15, according to the AAA Daily Fuel Gauge Report.

Last month, gas averaged $3.13 a gallon.

November is turning into a lousy month

taken from the Market Dispatches report of 11-14-2008
By Charley Blaine and Elizabeth Strott
reporting for MSN

Well, things are not looking too good for anyone, between investment income falling to nothing...and the principal itself shrinking, to the young people around here losing their jobs. Hoku, I think you are making the right decision. You are being a shrewd business woman and not a coward. People arent spending money on extras just now... You dont think you have enough money to do what you need to do...things have gone to hell in a handbasket in your home and you have people interested in possibly giving you a good paying job. Id say go for it. You took a risk quitting and going on to pursue your dream, now just put it on hold for a bit and see how things go...get things in order here (at the new house) and take care of yourself first...

my new lease/mortgage holder "Chuck" a former oil man now retired early and having to dump his rental property to keep food on his table...Yikes!

You know the quality of the tea only when you soak it in hot water and give it a squeeze... Corrie Ten Boom

When Life hands you lemons, make lemonade... my Mother and most of the other ladies in her family use this one...

The past two weeks have been very difficult... heck that is an understatement. I am not always sleeping through the night, waking at 3 or 4 am with thoughts racing a mile a minute..."what am I going to do? What is the right decision? should I do this? Or wait?..." It has been really difficult for me to get through the day...

I took posession of the house on Witherby Drive on the 15th. As I unloaded the cartons on the van from the trek from Louisville I began to absorb the anormity of the situation and what it means to me. I am a home owner...yes at the expense of being a business owner. I had come to realize over the night before that while I have enough cash to build out and buy tools, that was it. I didnt have any extra left to keep things going both at the new house and at the business...In fact I had no reserves left at all. I checked my figures again and again and its true. I never planned for the extended stay in Louisville to cost as much as it did and for things to deteriorate on the home front to this extent. Woody is flat out not in a position to support himself let alone the two of us and the Business plan was based on the idea that I would live with him, he was going to get a job while I was gone ect... didnt happen isnt going to happen and I need to accept that.

So I am praying and thinking about what to do. I went and filed for unemployment benefits. I was astounded at what the amount was per week and hope and pray that I get them.I am applying for work back in the freight biz as there are no jewelry jobs available; even with the holiday times just around the corner.

The setting up at the new house takes money too, from turning the power on the buying appilances. Used would work if it was available but folks keep their stuff here till it rusts so I am buying new and I got a good deal. I am also taking time to replace things like my broken baking pans and 28 year old stainless steel pans that are just ugly. I have gotten the use out of them for sure. I have picked out a set of Rachel Ray in a sunny yellow color.. That is making lemonade visually.

As far as using the new skills I learned at Jewelers school I am thinking about going ahead and setting up a bench in the garage and practicing there. The pop out space is plenty big and can be partitioned off into a nice sized room. I can also put my sewing machines out there and do my sewing...something I have wanted to get back to for a very long time. The time is now. I wont have money for cable, so do something productive with the hours I have been spending in front of the tube. I can take in repair work from friends and pehaps develope a reputation. Who knows...

And the retail space. I am going to see about sub leasing it. Even for a year it would be worth it to not have that payment and to give myself a chance to get settled and get some money in the bank...

This is as hard a thing as I have ever done and it kills me...but I seem to getting used to the pain these days...one painful deal after another... Its hard to see how I will ever rise up again. I know that I will. God is in this I feel it and I know that I need to really try to be paitent and wait and see how things turn out... in the mean time stop and have a glass of lemonade... it was made with all of the love I had for my dream. Take a deep breath and see what happens next...

Labels: Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Breaking News, Business start up, Dreams, Family History, Marriage, Woody, working

November 06, 2008

Landfall

Brilliant Country near Louisville KY


my final week in Louisville was really good. Woody came in on a mid-day flight and we spent a few days together in the apartment. We also drove out to the Overlook Resturant, near Levenworth Indiana for an early dinner one afternoon, and a long drive to and from the resturant through the countryside where the leaves were shining in the brightest colors of the Fall. It was pretty romantic, a thought not lost on me...Perhaps it was my way to say good bye to a place that I have fallen totally in love with.

The final two days were hectic and at times down right crazy. I dont know if I was procrastinating because I find the whole packing and moving thing crazy making or rather that I just feared what I would find when I got home. There was this increasing sense of dread....

Then there was my stuff... I am a professional loader of stuff. I used to be able to look at a pile of stuff and say "that is x amount of cubic feet and will fit in x size trailer". Not so anymore. We were loading up my boxes of stuff into my van and realized that it wasnt going to work. So off to UPS and we pack and shipped 10 cartons off to Bella Vista. OK right on...But that wasnt the end of it.

I cant believe my stuff. We packed carton after carton and it kept mounding up. I also had a wrought iron patio set that we strapped up on top of my van's roof. I realized that I hadnt set aside room for Annabelle's crate. Off to UPS again and this time eight more boxes were shipped. I put the crate into the van and stuffed it with more cartons. I barely had the room for the remainder and shut the doors on the van ...it was like Mcgee's Closet you didnt dare reopen the door. I had this sinking feeling that I left something important behind, but I didnt dare check... I just had to trust that all was in order

We had planned to pull out by noon it was four pm when we pulled out. Woody drove, so I could watch as Louisville, gleaming in the afternoon sun passed by and on over the emerald Ohio and into Indiana...I cried, I didnt think it would hurt like this but it does.

Because Annabelle has grown so much, she didnt fit in her travel crate very well, so she rode on my lap. She was as enthralled with the beautiful countryside as I was...mile after mile we watched as fields and farms passed by...farmers getting into barns the last of their crop before darkness fell and the weather turned. Tractors pulling loads down the highway seemed to surprise her... all of the lights wizzing by... then the muted darkness. The rocking motion of the car soothed us both I think. She has never been a lap doggie, but she rode on my lap until we arrived in St Louis, where due to the traffic I thought it best and safer that she get into her travel crate and sleep untill we arrived home.

It grew cold and I had her favorite blanket with me and wrapped us up into it. After Bella settled into her crate I kept it around me and slept on and off it had been a rough week for me. I had a cold and hadnt slept well...Woody continued to drive and we did some talking in between. Serious talking. I found to my surprise that I may have misjudged him. I dont understand why he does what he does and why he feels what he feels but there seems to be no malace. He seems to be at a place where he wants to be alone as well. We agreed to keep trying, as we had all week, to be civil and not get into each other's face too much. We had come to an agreement on subdividing the house, my living with Annabelle in the mastersuite and the lanai...where I spend most of my time anyway. and Woody and the cats in the rest of the house. They had been in this space all while I was gone and it seems to work for them.We, Bella and I feel a touch cramped as we are used to having the run of a whole apartment but that may be changing in the near future so we shall see how things go.

Woody was a hero and drove 10 hours straight through stopping for gas twice and a quick bite. We rolled in and made Landfall at 2 am Nov 1.I was home or rather I arrived at a place that I have lived before

I dont feel like I am home. There are many reasons for this, most of my own making. But this is my house and I slept in my own bed that night. Annabelle marched into the Master Bath where her crate is housed and wanted in for the night she slept like a stone and seems to have fallen into her old routine like a trooper.

The messy house that I left was clean as though 100 cleaning faries came and did a lot of hard work. Woody again had given it his best shot and did a very credible job. He feels he can maintain it. I hope so. Since we have been home I have seen a great deal of domestic activity on his part, from trying to clear the monumental amount of leaves to changing a shower head on his own with no help from me. I am trying not to instruct or direct on this but am standing back and letting him do things failing if need be and asking for help if he needs it from the other men in the neighborhood... To me this is how it should be. I have tried to hurry and deal with the 18 cartons from Louisville as well as all of the stuff in the van. Its nearly all put away and while I had to unpack some stuff I have chosen to leave a bunch packed up for the future as I am looking at homes to move into in the next few months, allowing us to have our separate residences again.

I have had moments where I have felt like a disembodied spirit, and other times like my time in Louisville was just a dream. Truthfully there were times that were better than I could write about here and many others that were worse. Now the time has come for me to bring it on and show the world what I learned from Charlie Conner and others. The Contractor has been called in and I should be building out soon. I cant wait to get going on my business

As I said I hit the ground running looking for places to move to and I now have three so far that look very promising, one a lease option house, one a town house near the Methodist church that the owner will finance and has offered terms, and the third is a stone's throw from the shop and is a perfect house for me. We are waiting to see if the owner will finance with no down or low down, as his price is above market but its been vacant for two years and he wants to be done with it...Everything is negotiable. I have a half dozen realators looking for me so we shall see.

I have made Landfall. The landing was hard and a touch painful, but I have felt more and more at home. From the warm welcome back from my neighbors to the heartfelt hugs at my church where I went to vote this week in the election, I feel like the sailor home from the sea...the soilder home from the war and for me the prodigal returned from the Far Country of the Bluegrass...home to face the challenges of a new life in the making. No regrets only challenges to face...and why do we do it? because its the hardest thing we can do...

Labels: Annabelle, Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Bella Vista, Business start up, Conner School, IN, Louisville, Marriage, Scenic Arkansas, Woody

October 18, 2008

...Its Way Past Midnight....

Aloha, the state of mind that surrounds you when you are in love with your best friend. My kitties...maybe now Woody's kitties Makoa and KaNani sweetly sleeping...

a journal entry...

...there is a stillness in the apartment that amazes me considering I am surrounded by 50 other humans living in this building.I never hear anyone else... One of the joys of living here is the profound respect they all have for each other's space. I am free to listen to music or to silence... to play with Bella, cuddle her in my lap...Take her for long walks on sidewalks and golfcart paths...It kills me that I am doing things here that I love and likely wont be able to do at home. I am leaving this light bright and airy space for a cold dirty cramped house that I will be sharing with two cats and a human that will not want me there.

I am feeling very lonely and sad tonight. Leaving Louisville is surrounding me like a suffocating blanket. I went to church tonight and realized in 15 days I wont ever see these people again. It kills me. I have made more real friends at the church here that want more than to just converse on sunday...felt more accepted. One of the reasons I think is not having Woody around, not that hes unfriendly but I think I hang with a younger crowd when hes not with me... I dont know

I have been mulling over today's counseling appointment. My counselor has been trying to get me to see a couple of points. 1. that God is for me..(Zephhaniah 3:17)
2. my anger over my life is unproductive and sinful.(more scripture than I am able to list...) I havent been able to deal with it in a way that seems pleasing to God, my life has suffered because of this. I know that he is right about this in the sense that according to the Bible I havent been able to handle the pain of this relationship in the most Godly fashion...but I have run out of...I have nothing left to give. Woody knows this... that is why hed rather that I didnt come home.

Im not sure if anyone wants me home. I have had a few contacts from people over these past seven months. My neigbors stopped calling me. Its been 6 months since I have heard from anyone at Methodist Church... The RCIA director called once from St Bernards and I have been in communication with my Cannon Lawyer...my annulment of my marriage to The Engineer is progressing. By the time its done I will likely need to get one for my marriage to Woody... I will never get to the altar for the sacrament at this rate I will spend the rest of my natural life in Magisterial Purgatory...

My partner from the Nightshift at Thisplace has done very well since my departure we had a long conversation the other night... and I have gotten email from her. My landlord called wanting to know when I was starting up as he has a pile of jewelry he wants fixed...

Soon I will have to leave my Haven on the Green and return to the real world where some huge challenges await me... Im going to have to "Bring It" on a lot of levels...the prospect leaves me in a cold sweat...

Labels: Annabelle, Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Business start up, Catholic, Kentucky, Louisville, Marriage, Pen Pals

October 11, 2008

Highways and Byways

Horse Fences and Sailboats, the sweet life in Prospect KY

I had a hard time titling this post. I have had another week of incredible sweetness tempered by the bitterness of the loses financial and personal, but only material things these are. I am constantly reminded that God is good and my intrests are at the forefront of His heart. This is a very hard thing for me to focus on as for most yea all of my life it has been the others in my life that have received much of the good and I the short end of the stick. this past seven months has been while not an easy time for me, a time to sit back and enjoy a respite and feel like the good is pouring into my life I shall ever be grateful for it.

Fields of Gold, fallow pasture and an abandoned tobacco barn or shed... near Owenton KY


I have been working hard on the business making calls and re thinking the whole thing. I redid the layout incorporating the many sugestions that I received from various sources and now have something that more resembles a jewelry store. With the huge hits that retirees have taken this week on their portfolios there have been questions about if I should open up at all. One of Woody's stockbroker friends said that if I opened today I would be shut down and out of money in six months. He could be right. If I was only dependent on the retirees patronage,

Bella vista is not all seinors anymore, of the total population 78 percent still work and 65 percent are under the age of 55. So I think that the pensioner issue isnt as important. I had yet again another lady from the area tell me that she has work for me to do, will I be open for Christmas? I hope so.

I have figured out what the barest minimum amount of buildout I would need to be functional, it only takes half of the money that I have left. Squeeking by I can do this, but barely, its going to be hard.


Autumn Pastures, Trimble County KY


I took Annabelle for a playdate at her groomer this week. she loves little dog day...A day when the groomer has only toy dogs for boarding and grooming. Margerite calls me and I run her over there. She also gets a "fluff and fold" and this time one of the girls painted her nails a pretty racy red...

With the baby looked after,I then took a long drive down Hwy 22 to Owenton, KY. Its a beautiful rural area full of horse farms and tobacco fields. We had gotten some much needed rainfall earlier in the week and the moisture washed the air making it feel smooth and less dusty. Because it was so nice, horses; mares and their foals were turned out into newly greened pastures and were playing racing around. I would stop and take photos of the leaves turning brilliant red, of the green fields contrasting with the black tobacco barns, and the golden leaves curing inside. I hate the way this plant kills people, but nothing is sweeter smelling than a cart of the freshly cut leaves that have been bundled up and are being trundled up out of the fields pulled behind a tractor or in the case of the Amish farms I passed, a pair of Belgian draft horses as golden blonde as the harvest they were hauling up to the rows of curing barns...

Tobacco Barn Henry County KY

The sun has a mystical quality about it at this time of year. It sheds a golden glow on the earth as it passes in the hours of the day. Green seems greener and blue seems even brighter blue. The Ohio River placid and low was a serene blue reflecting the few little clouds as they passed by... The sunlight cause the wavelets turned up by a passing barge to sparkle as thought they had been sprinkled with a glittering dash of starlight. Its as magical as a place and time get. Perhaps its my romantic soul saving up moments against the future that might not be so pleasent.

I have taken drives nearly every day this week which has slowed down the process a bit as far as working on the shop, but it has been so fun to find places that I havent seen up till now.

One bit of drama. I had left my ring that I cast at Conners with JC Inc the people that I met with last week that will be coming along side to help me. This ring I had carved and cast in 14kt clean scrap (yes you can use scrap gold for casting a new peice with the use of a bit of fresh karat gold and some chemicals with a high enough heat, I didnt know this until I did it myself...) I struggled with setting the stone that I set because the setting head was crooked and the stone was way out of make. Charlie offered no help as the oval was not in his program and he was bugged that I often went on with what I felt I needed to do regardless of his lack of teaching. Sadly I needed to learn this to prepare to take the JA test, and my poor showing on this was one of the reasons that I didnt press on with this program

Anyway I destroyed the old head that I had cast in the ring trying to get the slightly too large stone into a space that was higher on one side than the other. I have a lot of work to get this right but in the mean time I needed to give JC a chance to show me how they worked so I left the ring to be set with a new head that I had bought and a lovely white spinel that sparkles like a diamond.

When I didnt see the package by tuesday I was a bit concerned, but weds and thursday I was a bit distracted. By friday I was frantic. I got the UPS tracking and found out that the package had been delivered to a wrong address with in the development and the drive had put the managers name down as the signee and she wasnt even in that day. We had a mad scramble in the managers office turning the place upside down, still nothing.

I filed a report with UPS and spent a night wondering if I would be happy with a remade ring. No What really worryed me was that the people that I thought would save me with my shop had let me down on the first go round. How would I deal with my clients if this was their precious thing... I got sick in the bathroom and answered an ad on a online job site for a new call center in Bentonville fearing that all was lost...

Well in a bin of mail to be returned was the UPS package. It had been mis-adressed and my name was not on the label, so no one knew who to give the little box to. As I pulled the ring out of the wrapping tissue I felt not only a huge sense of relief that the lost was found but that the folks at JC hadnt let me down. I may still need to take that job for a bit, we shall see how things are in Arkansas with the economy, but I know that I will get my shop open eventually...

In the mean time I have this little reminder that I can do it...with a little help from my friends...

The symbol of a new future, The lost and found ring...

Labels: Annabelle, Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Bella Vista, Business start up, Conner School, Kentucky, Louisville

October 03, 2008

The Bend In The River

The bend in the mighty Ohio near Warsaw KY

The weather doesnt get much better than it has been these last few days. Brilliant blue skies and cool nights with warm sunny days. My walks with Annabelle in the mid mornings are the higlight of my days. I will be able to walk her at home but there are not the blocks and block of sidewalks and the golf cart paths that surround Indian Springs. I will have a hilly gravel strew road that is more difficult and the least bit of wet weather makes them impossible for me and my long coated little friend. But this is the way we need to go at least for now.

I have been working on my business plan several hours a day. My new computer is great and I ordered my accounting softwear from industry business guru David Geller. He asked me a lot of very pointed questions one of them being, what was I going to do about all of the various types of work that I am not able to do on my own...such as work in platinum a highly specialized side of the trade that requires a compleatly separate set up, or unusual antiques that require knowlegable handling. David directed me to a firm located near Cincinatti. I drove up there this week.

I was warmly received by the CEO of what may be the largest Trade Shop I have ever heard of. Over 100 jewelers and related trades people doing work for jewelry stores from accross the country. I saw detailed security measures and an operation that seemed to me to be efficient and very very professional. I should have no misgivings about sending them any work I cant handle on my own.

I told the new accounts rep that "if I looked like a woman that has been given her life back... I am." Truth is my dream was headed for a brick wall. The people I met with said that I was a bold person to continue with my quest in the face of the Conner's debacle and the fact that no one with so little experience could be expected to do what I want to do well at this point in their carrer. It would be like having a first year piano student play Beethoven's Piano Concerto with the LA Philharmonic Orchestra. Its not my fault that I am where I am I just need to practice and expand my abilities, this will allow me to do that while opening my business and starting the cash flow forward.

This has changed the direction of my business plan. Rather than focus on just repair and not take custom work,I am going to focus on custom orders, and to do that I need to build out and make the shop look good so people will have confidence in spending their hard won money there. My casting finishing and setting skills are good so I feel good about the plan. I can buy waxes very cheaply and if the customer brings their own gold or silver I can do a special order rather inexpensively for the customer yet have a generous margin to support myself... I wont get rich, but I will be independent and that is what I am looking for.

Many people have asked me if I though that with the recent economic turmoil did I think that this was really the time to start a business. I think its the best time. With business down vendors are more willing to come down on prices and work hard to earn my business and my trust. My future customers want to fix their precious things because buying new is too expensive. Also when times are hard sentiment becomes more important. Grandma's wedding ring becomes the ring given to her grandson's new bride, or family jewelry or watches are refirbished and become cherished gifts.

What many people dont realize is that jewelers and jewelry stores thrived during the Great Depression and WWII. Oh, things were not as extravigant as perhaps things are now. But the bread and butter of any shop is the same today as it was 75 years ago. Nice gifts, that celebrated special occasions... milestones in peoples lives. Wedding jewelry, Anniversary gifts and up until the advent of the specialty/Big Box/Discounter, "Table Top" China, Silver, and Crystalware... My mother told me of what an event it was in her family when she as a high school seinor went to the local jewelry store and registered her patterns and had lunch with her mother. A rite of passage we dont have today. She never got one of those peices, but I still have the tiny silver serving spoon pin she received as a gift....

Many of the super jewelers of today got their start as small family shops founded prior or just after WWII. Talk about a struggle! Every store that I have had the privilege to spend a lot of time in has a story that tells of risk taking and courage... and yes a bit of sacrifice for the family, but it was worth it and I am willing to take on the challenge, to gain the independence that I feel I need to be the person God means me to be.

There will be bends in the river...places where I cant see the way before me. I am trying to learn to trust God every step of the way. He makes a way for me everytime, just in time in ways I never expect.




The Great Stream The Ohio River near Warsaw KY

Labels: Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Business start up, IN, Kentucky, Louisville

September 27, 2008

The Serene City

City Fountains Riverfront Park Downtown Louisville Kentucky

Its been nearly two weeks since the massive wind storm rattled this city with hurricane force winds that toppled trees that were standing here when Daniel Boone crossed into the territory. You can still hear chain saws and air hammers driving roofing nails but the sound of generators is a thing of the past.

The Ryder Cup was an astounding success according to the locals who feard that the storm had damaged things and ruined ths chance for the city to make some revenue. With the economic downturn and the demise of the Ford Explorer (Ford id the biggest employer in town and the one closest to my home) a lot of people took temporary jobs doing grounds keeping and hospitality type jobs. There are fund rasing events that begin for the Derby Festivities that take place 6 months from now.

This is a city that surprises me daily. From the national write up this week( sorry the article has disapered off the net) on the flourishing Indie music scene, to the incredible number of churches that have over 1500 people a sunday through their doors (one personal souce seemed to think more per capita than any city in America,based on their information gathering and Louisville's population, which is the 16th largest in the US) to the 24 hour horse racing channel on the basic cable. (I was in a resturant and they had horse racing on in the bar area when I usually sit as I am alone on a saturday night. Curlin won again to the delight of patrons in the bar. )If you like the ponies, there is a race going on somewhere and this four legged ESPNis covering it. I suppose you can wager as well but I have not explored that aspect of it.

Like my last weeks in Hawaii I have found that these last two weeks have been very sweet as I do things that I want to do before I leave...sort of take a farewell tour. More photos comming! But I also realized just how much leg work I can do while I am here so I have been hard at work on my business as well.

I bought a new computer this week. A Dell Vostro, before I start getting email groaning about Dell I bought it from a dealer here and not online. I have already had two house calls and they have done some work online to tweek the thing so it is perfect for me. Some of the complaints are not valid for me. I use a external keyboard for serious typing and a tracball mouse. I love the slot drive the speakers are a upgrade from the tin box ones on my Inspiron 700 that I have been blogging one for almost four years.(It has been a wonderful little machine not given me a lick of trouble)

I bought the Vostro here because I wanted to get the bugs out and have onsite tech support as I load and tweek my accounting and inventory software that is being sent to me by David Geller of Jewelerprofit.com. This man is an industry icon that revolutionized the trade by writing a template overlay for Quickbooks for the management of a jewelry business. He tweeks everything customer for each package, and supports the product. The best part is that the price is very reasonable so that even a newbe like me can afford it.

I had a over the phone consult with David and found him very personable and concerned about my situation...the situation at Conners...and the situation that I have been avoiding... I know that I am not very good at what I want to do yet and what will I do when I open my doors and people come streaming in with repair work that I dont know how to do or if Im lucky, have more than I can do of what I know I can do... That is a likely senario. If I dont take it in and do it right and fast, I will ruin my reputation before I am out the starting gate.

His answer is for me to sub some of that work out. He is right and he had the name of a firm near here that does this for jewers on a national basis with a fine reputation. I am meeting with the CEO this week. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my sholders, because this big question has been answered. I will learn from the finished work I get back from this firm and I can focus on getting my business off of the ground, doing the creative work that earns more money, and learning more things. I feel like I can really do this and the only thing I need to fear is my fears and self doubts...

All I need to do is get started, which I am doing. one foot in front of the other...

In my personal life, I am doing a lot of hard work in counseling...really hard. Its amazing what God will use to speak to a person about things He wants to deal with. I saw a re-run of an episode of "Without A Trace" where one of the agents had a brother go missing. Turns out there were huge substance abuse issues and how the family dynamic was playing out over and over again. I have been confronted with the idea that my 20 years of sobriety or clean Christian Living what ever you want to call it may have been by Gods grace and my own powerful will, but the cost has been losing myself, who I am, moulding myself into something that I am not and perhaps most profoundly being unable to move out of and past painful events and situations. I am stuck in events that happened 13 years ago. Being married is one of them. My anger and rage is the result. I dont know what to do. My "griever" and "forgiver" is broken...I cant seem to do it anymore...truly I dont want to do it anymore Im sort of sick of it but dont know what to do next. I want to leave the worse of it behind...and we know who that is... because I can no longer forgive someone that is hurting me and many times isnt even aware seemingly of the damage he is doing...

So I take drives around the city and the countryside and think. I look out at the golfers and envy them their easy comraderie...knowing that I have never had such a relationship, such a friendship in my life... I reherse for sunday worship and felt a pulling at my pantleg...there was 13 month old Emma the daughter of one of the young men in the worship band pulling up on my leg standing for the first time then letting go when she realized I wasnt her mummy. She took two steps on her own and fell flat on her face. We applauded her "one giant leap" to independence....and I felt a knife twist in my heart and an unholy envy that never seems to end... I could have grandbabies by now and there will be nothing and no one and I cant get past it...

I cant get past lovers dysplaying affection, or couples planning their futures together. There will be no "together" for me. Because there has been no affection...
I had made a gift to give Woody when he comes to get me next month and as I put it in the closet all wrapped the enemy of my soul wispered "there will be nothing for you...not now not ever... he never thinks of you, and doesnt care about you..." and I know that it is true. But I keep trying and that is why I need to end things because in that trying is more disapointments, more bitterness, more anger, and more dispair.

How I long for this to end. For me it has never been as simple as those who say..."just give it over to Jesus"

But in this city and this place I have been able to give it over more. Because I dont have to confront it. But this time is going to end and I will have to confront it. Please God let me remember this serene city and the times that I have been able to be quiet just for a little while.

Labels: Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Business start up, Conner School, Faith, Louisville

September 12, 2008

Walking in First Things

Kentucky Sunrise over Indian Springs Louisville Kentucky

Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.

Follow your bliss and doors will open where there were no doors before.

When you follow your bliss... doors will open where you would not have thought there would be doors, and where there wouldn't be a door for anyone else.

Joseph Campbell

"Things are going really well here, we connect well as a quartet and I really need a strong presence at Beargrass to sort of strengthen the group, and expose them to a presence like yourself... What do you think?"
The young worship leader at Watkins is a very sincere and intense young man, and not a vague flatterer. I thought about opportunity for a moment, the fact that it would mean a very long time for Annabelle to be in her crate and the long morning on my feet and ...

"Sure", I said, "Where and when?"

I have been convinced over and over that the deeper meaning of this time in Louisville was not just to learn the finer points of soldering precious metals together, but finding myself and finding the truth within, going to the source of my inner self and trying to be honest with myself...figure out when and where I went wrong...where my life got so out of order that I look in the mirror and cannot believe what I see there. Not me but someone that is not herself.

While I like Dr Campbell (his position of faith not withstanding) and these quotes are better known, it was Pastor Garry Ansdell of Hosanna Chapel who said over and over that "If you find yourself off track with God, go back to the last time you were truly in line with God's will and seek out where you went wrong...often that was the last time you were truly happy..."

Well, I know he was right. I have known the exact date I went off track for a long time. Being alone here has confirmed it, and for the last six months I have pursued enlightenment from the Scriptures and from other sources to sort out the troubles in my marriage and my life. I am convinced that the day Woody and I married was the beginning of the downturn in my life. This doesnt mean that being married was the only thing that caused my pain. I am always responsible for my response to every situation. However, human I am and the chronic rejection and lack of communication has left me feeling isolated, unwanted and in pain. The resulting anger at a situation that I felt I couldnt control or get out of was more and more out of control and dangerous to me as I repressed my feelings more and more.

One of the things that has made this worse is that I feel so alone. Today in my counseling session, my therapist told me something that he hadnt said before...that he heard the pain... the thirteen years of pain and loss. Losses that cannot be restored or compensated for in this life. The constant flow of rejection of myself and of the basic ideal of marriage/relationship... its worn me down...

years ago while I was struggling with my autoimmune problems I developed issues with chronic pain. My serotonin levels were so depleted that I was cranky and in pain all of the time. I was worn down, and depressed ... a low dose SSRI and a once daily OTC pain med did the trick. It was a little fix that change my whole out look on life

I wish that I had as easy a solution for this pain I am in now in, but there isn't one. A few weeks ago I realized this and really truly gave up. I know that I made vows to God and to Woody, but I dont have the strength anymore to hold up my end of the bargain. I have failed in community living with my husband, and in forgiveness... and I am not ready to ask God for forgiveness even yet...

But God is merciful and He heard my hearts cry. I felt lifted up like a weight had been lifted off and free to explore the next phase of my life

Within a week I was raised up and lead worship for the first time in 12 years. Imagine loving something that you know you were born to do but had no venue or way to do it. This isnt something you can just do. Someone at a church needs to have the conviction that God wants you to do this then asks/appoints you to do it. A lot of things need to just fall into place. It hadnt at FUMCBV and not for want of trying. A lot of people wanted me to be more deeply involved and I wanted to as well. It was mostly my job that kept me from rehearsal and devoting myself to it. But my own reticence to put myself out there for fear of being "found out" was mainly to blame ... a hypocrite is always found out. Once I was honest with myself,ie" I cant hold on to this relationship anymore and fake it by living with Woody..." I feel like I had returned to the point of being at peace and of being within the will of God... I know that its strange and likely doesnt make a bit of sense, but its how I feel thing are.

Then last week, being asked to sing at Beargrass Church and the wonderful reception I received there. The feeling of peace about landing where even I am going to land with regards to my future housing situation... and today the sense that perhaps I am on to a means of releasing the pain and anxiety of years of suffering and grief... I am amazed.

This opportunity to serve in God's house and feeling free of burdens too big to carry is indicative to me that I am walking in "first things". There is a joy in this journey that has suddenly come forth, like the sun coming out from behind a cloud.

None of this means that anything is resolved, quite the opposite. I have a load of work to do before I leave here and go back to NWA. But I am taking the time this week to focus on the losses and make a list for Mark and I to work on, and doing some tourist stuff. Fun stuff. Its going to be wet and rainy this weekend I can do my business plan then. I have been informed by the state of Arkansas that my permits are approved, so as soon as Woody can get the documents to me I can start to get bids on the tools and set up for my bench so I can start WORKING once I go home... I am so looking forward to that

Labels: Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Marriage, Ministry, Praise and Worship, Woody

August 22, 2008

The"Check Engine" Light is Flashing

Peaceful Ohio River Riverfront Park Louisville Kentucky...I love going and sitting by the river and taking its vastness in

I feel like my "Check Engine" Light is flashing. When that happens with one of our vehicles Woody is pretty quick to see that the proper attention is sought via the dealership garage. In my case, I may have gotten ahead of God with regards to employment and as a result the important work that He wants to do before I return to Arkansas might get shortchanged if I am not careful.

I have a lot to do but cant seem to get motivated... time is passing and as if to quietly remind me the leaves are starting to turn brilliant colors signalling that while we have scorching heat and humidity this week, the nights are cooler by the week and fall will be in full swing before long. Its only 9 weeks or so before I leave here for the forseeable future. Once I get home its work and practice on my skills as a jeweler first and foremost. Any inner work would get pushed by the wayside by business development, buildout and possibly moving into a new home for myself and Annabelle.

I worked at the Craft Store two full days...agonizing days of standing on concrete floors stocking shelves with...Christmas stuff... in August. The place where I broke my foot last September hurt so badly it felt like a lit cigarette was being shoved against the side of my foot. I hobbled home and stiffly walked my doggy and died each night

Its not worth it, its not enough money to warrant injuring myself and I am not interested enough in the work to carry on with it. I really felt that I needed to focus on my business plan and spend more time at the jeweler that had offered to help me practice my skills at repair...

So I typed up the resignation letter...

Today I went in to the jeweler to work... The last two times she has given me a herringbone chain to cut and solder back together. First chain is my thing. I do that better than anyone in either school that I attended. Link, Cable, rope, snake and funky zebra chain (I did one of those so well that Madam Jeweler coulnt find the joint)but herringbone is one that I have never mastered, you cant reweave it and no matter what you do it kinks and looks like crap. It was one of the things that the 1980's produced along with Spandex pants that once you snag they are ruined.

At Conner's, I would first have thoughly cleaned the peices by soaking in lye, then rinse steam sonic and steam again so it was sterile clean. Dirt and skin oil can cause the soft heat from a low flame torch to grow hotter melting the delicate links as you solder. I would then split the chain exactly straight with end cutters and file the joint smooth so that the herringbone mates, firecoat, flux and flame it gently so the soft solder just melts. Its like brushing it...Even with all of this care and some sucess, Charlie counseled us to get the customer to scrap out this old chain for a new one as it never looks as good as new unlike some other styles of chain.

Madam Jeweler said for me to cut evenly and reweave it then solder. No cleaning. As I pulled the links open the dirt just fell out in chunks. I tried to reweave the links at leat ten times and each time I did it and tried to solder it the thing melted and fell apart. It was frustrating to say the least.

I asked for a demo and she said that she didnt have time... no one was in the store and she seemed edgy, finally she said that she couldnt do this anymore. She was upset that I was going home in October. She was training me for nothing, and she had hoped that I would stay on for Holiday and she could perhaps give me the chains and the sizings and pay me a little. But I wasnt any good to her or anyone as I dont know anything and Charlie took my money and didnt teach me anything.

At that point I turned off my light and pulled my visor off. I thanked her for her time and told her that I was sorry for any trouble that I had caused. I had brought in my chair that I had brought from Conner's to use and I knew that the other jeweler really liked it. I offered it to her for her second bench in compensation for the materiels I had used and the scrap that was now in the sweeps pile.

In a way I am relieved. I was being hit everytime I went in there, by how little I learned from Charlie...Hello! How could I sit there for all of that time and come home with fried fingers and polishing compound up my nose and not know anything? I dont think so and it inspires me to get home and get started...

I know one little lady that is thrilled to have me all to herself everyday


Annabelle posing in the sun with her new hair bob

Annabelle celebrated her first year as my doggy this week, again I know that she was Heaven sent and has been a loving companion these past 6 months

And so it goes. I am reading more of Dr. Cloud having finished "The Secret Things of God" I have assignments at counseling, my novice therapist is forthright and provocative, and a great listener. I hope he's as good a listener with his new wife!

God threw on my "Check Engine" light so I would rethink a few things... I am so glad that He did. It pays to listen and take your life to the Master Mechanic once in a while. The tune up you get can make all the difference in your life

Labels: Annabelle, Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Books, Business start up, Conner School

August 08, 2008

Gaining Confidence

Accross the pond,view from the walking path accross the ninth fairway and the units facing...Legends of Indian Springs, Springhurst, Louisville KY

Then Jesus got into the boat and started across the lake with his disciples. Suddenly, a terrible storm came up, with waves breaking into the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went to him and woke him up, shouting, "Lord, save us! We're going to drown!"
And Jesus answered, "Why are you afraid? You have so little faith!" Then he stood up and rebuked the wind and waves, and suddenly all was calm. The disciples just sat there in awe. "Who is this?" they asked themselves. "Even the wind and waves obey him!"

"I dont know what you did for four months at Charlie's but he failed to teach you anything.You obviously dont know the basics by what you say to me... You are doing things wrong and using techniques that are outdated. Here let me show you how to do it." With that my bench test ended and I was humiliated by this woman in front of her daughter and employees. I had not even begun to do the simple size up she wanted. My explanation of the process alone was enough to disqualify me in her eyes"

I set out this week to find some sort of jewelry work. After the miserable disapointment at the Friends Shop, I was eager to pound the pavement just to prove something to myself..."Yes I Can..." if you know what I mean.

People were friendly, many had kind words to say about Charlie and the school. Other's were concerned about his being robbed (again...seems that he was robbed a few years ago as well) And a few, just a few felt that I had wasted my time and that I should have gone to GIA or the American School in Florida. They dont understand that I looked into all of those situations and Conner's was logistically and financially the best option. I did my homework and worked really hard to do the best that I could. Its not my fault that the teacher gave up teaching but took my money anyway. He really should have been more honest with me about where he was in his life.. That is not on me by any means.

One of the nay sayers is the owner manager of a trio of jewelery stores here in the area. She learned the trade from her now ex husband, the founder of this enterprise, a Russian. By the way, there seem to be a lot of Eastern Europeans here fresh from the old country and a lot of them are into rackets that are marginally legal. This man sounds like one of them.

She is a Latina, sharp of mind and of toungue. Bitter, a workaholic single mom who's school livley age daughter has been forced to camp here for days on end and seems to be a master at self entertainment. She knows a lot of students and people that have taken classes from Charlie's, and basically pooh poohed the whole thing . He thing is that her ex wanted to open his own school, but didnt for whatever reasons. It sounded like a lot of sour grapes...

But she is willing to "teach" me. The bench she had me test in was empty, she uses tools that are not familiar, and hummphed when ever I said something. I refrained from making small talk as it seemed that she had not a positive thing to say.

I worked for three hours. She let me use tools off the bench next to my not set up one. They were not what I was used to, and I felt odd at having to try to do a bang up job using inappropriate tools. I did manage to stumble through the two sizings I did later in the afternoon, but she didnt like anything about my technique

I was a shaking mess by 6 pm (I had taken a three hour break mid afternoon to go home eat and play with Annabelle) I was sick from the stress and second guessing, and still am ill today. What little confidence I had mustered up has gone out the window. I cried on and off throughout the evening.

I am not scheduled to go back untill next week. She made a lot of noise about having to sit and train me and flat out stated I wont be working on her merchindise or repairs. I could come and practice (be tortured) on her scrap and get trained in time for the holidays. I think this was her goal anyway. She has a man that comes in once a week but she seems to hate him (and every other man, sounds like abuse)and wants to get rid of him. However he works in platinum and I have no training in that so he will have his hours for a while yet.

8-9-2008

This morning I was reading my devotions and the passage above was given. Today is also the feast of my patron saint Edith Stein. I meditated on what life was like for her a woman in what was very much a mans world, in a man's work... a Jew that converted to Christianity and how her life was a struggle for acceptance.

I have two paths. I can take the path of rage like my new "mentor" (shes not my boss nor my friend nor my teacher really). She is angry over everything in life... By the way wonderful with the customers, but the help is fair game for cutting comments and abuse. I was told by her "to develope thick skin I needed it in this business." That is total crap. When someone tells you that what they are saying is "I am going to abuse you so you'd better get used to it." I hate that and correct anyone who has the nerve to say that to me. Both of my parents told me that constantly as I was growing up and it is so wrong. There is nothing wrong with sensitivity and having feelings

Or I can take the path of St Edith. Much of her philosphical writings dealt with empathy...in fact I believe that the empathy that God showed by sending His Son to be with us was a key motivator in her conversion and resultant writings. To walk in her path requires me to remain kind and loving in the face of adversity. To not withdraw, which I did at Charlie's to my hurt. To try to be as Christlike as possible towards this woman and her daughter...who reminds me of me at her age by the way, I think its her wit and long red brown hair...

I am going to keep looking for another venue to work on my skills as well. Christmas is coming and jewelers are going to be looking for help. One issue is trust. I think that is what freaked out the Friends people. I have no contacts here nothing to keep me and a crazy story...I own nothing and could skip town with the goods tomorrow if I wanted to. So not everyone is going to let me into their stores and have unrestricted access to gold jewelery. If I cant find someplace else to work I will need to return home so I can work at my own shop. I can buy my own scrap to work on if I need to. One way or another I need to regain my nerve my self confidence that has taken such a beating these past few months.

I know that I can do it. I also know that it takes years to develope the skills to be really good at this. I know that I want this and I am willing to work at it and to put up with the eccentricities of raving artists and the like to reach my goal. I are one myself, thats why I want to work for myself be on my own. Its the right thing for me and with a little confidence and faith I can see it through to final vision. I have done it before and with God's help I can do it again

The Princess gypsy set into a ring made for an oval stone. A literal square peg into a oval hole. This showed that I understood construction and positioning of a stone in a rough mounting not made for it. One of my projects that I did while at Conner's, and shown here nearly compleated.

Labels: Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Business start up, Conner School, Edith Stein, Kentucky

August 01, 2008

The Graduate

Summer Pastures off Hwy 42 Oldam County Kentucky

Mr. McGuire:I want to say one word to you.
Just one word.
Benjamin: Yes, sir.
Mr. McGuire: Are you listening?
Benjamin: Yes, I am.
Mr. McGuire: Plastics.
Benjamin: Just how do you mean that, sir?
Advice given to the young Benjamin Braddock played brilliantly by Dustin Hoffman in "The Graduate"

Retired Jeweler: Im sorry this isnt going to work out but you have a great future ahead of you. You survived Charlie's and can do anything...anything you want
Hokulea: OK...I guess
Retired Jeweler:I will call you when I get back. I am sorry this wasnt my decision and I really want to do some music some Last Friday night, maybe next month... you will be working by then I am sure
Hokulea:OK...I guess

dialouge between myself and the jeweler I was going to be working with after I finished school. His boss got cold feet and told him to fire me. Im sure I looked like Dustin Hoffman did, stunned and overwelmed.I honestly think this aspriring professional musician might have been sorrier to see my voice go than me.

Its been quite a week here in The 'Ville. I wasnt sure this time last week how things were going to go when I told Charlie yet again that I was done with Jewelers school. He had been so critical of everything that I did and while he had been fawning over the other gal in the class, he had been ignoring me for quite sometime. However insted of trying to talk me into staying, he had bigger fish to fry as a whole crop of new student is banging on his door wanting to give him money so he printed up my diplomas without any discussion and thanked me for comming...

I walked out the door a Graduate Bench Jeweler, certifiable. It took a few days to sink in, but I am thrilled that I have gotten this far and cant wait to see how things will go from here.

I went right away to the shop that wanted me to fill in while their jeweler was away and started right in doing repairs and helping out in the store. They had moved to this location two months ago and are still sorting out the mess of boxes that contain not only the inventory of this shop but several other bead and lapidary shops inventory that had been bought on the cheap in closeout situations and was a jumbled mess. I was helping mostly to clear a space where I could set up a bench and space to work. I was also trying to pay it forward by buying business cards (which they thought too expensive...Free at VistaPrint hello!...)Personally, I think the money and brains lady owner was uncomfortable with my presence in the store because I know more about running a business and getting it off the ground than she does. But who is to say? Like Jerry said, I survived Conner's I can do anything and it will show on a bench test, I just need to get out there and find some place that needs my help

Getting my first (I did do some work this week and was paid for it)and last check from the shop was a surprise to me, but it has freed me up to think about other possibilities. I took up beading to learn enough to help out at the shop. I have a bunch of stuff here and people like the things I have made for myself, so I am going to take the supplies I have a make a bunch of stuff for a consignment shop here in town and see if it sells. I hope to find a graphic artist to make a logo for my "line" Firefly Designs and hang tags so I can market my designs effectively. After all this is new merchendise. I never thought that I would go this way but it is fun and I hate sitting around the TV with nothing in my hands to do.

There are 182 jewelry stores in the Metro Louisville area. There are also Pawn shops and gold buyers that do repair. I am bound to find someone that needs some help. I just need to practice my craft before I open my own place. It would be nice to have a mentor that could help me refine things before I go off on my own...but I am prepared to do just that should I need to

Woody went to work this week at a carlot in Neosho Mo about 30 miles from home. But there are not too many cars on that lot so how do you sell what you do not have??? pretty silly if you ask me. He is looking around for another place to jump off to and I am glad for him. He needs to do something to stay occupied and focused. He doesnt seem to be in any hurry for me to come home

At this point I am not either. I am still trying to find myself. This has been a trying time and it was very hard on me but I feel 100 percent better now that those certificates are in hand. they are a ticket to my new life. I am full of hopeful thoughts and prayers


My wall of Fame, Five Diplomas frame number six is for a blowup of my business card that I had printed

Labels: Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Business start up, Conner School, Firefly Designs, Woody, working

June 28, 2008

Spending to Get

The view from my windows in my bedroom in my apartment, over looking the first green and fairway at the Legends of Indian Springs Golf course Louisville KY

I have had a very nice weekend having spent much of it sitting before these windows watching the world go by... by that I mean the steady groups of golfers and the steady march of rainclouds as the thunderstorms sweep by in an endless panorama of sight and color. It has cooled down quite a bit and I have my little window open to gather fresh air. Annabelle is asleep on my bed just next to me. She had a busy weekend of grooming and training appointments and is happy to lay and watch the golfers go by

Its been a week of heavy thought. I spent a lot of time journaling about how Woody and I came to the place that we find ourselves in. I wanted the story recorded... The whole story. And how all of this has made me feel.

Being here has given me the freedom to just feel. I dont have to do anything, be anything other than myself, so this was the ideal time to do this. I must say that all of this emoting has not made me feel better. I have felt very depressed this week...grief? maybe...

My lanai It has the same view but a different perspective. The railing is covered with bird netting to prevent Annabelle from taking a flying leap off the the second floor balcony. Its so discreet you cant even see it. I love sitting out here in the breeze. Look who is sharing the sunshine but the little princess who has her own special chair so she can watch the silly humans chasing the little white ball all over the place!

I think a lot of it is disappointment. Things haven't worked out at the school the way I hoped. Charlie has basically said "Review everything" and retreated into his office this past week. He nitpicked what I brought him in review, and was cross about how I managed to do said review. I think its strange that the teacher gives an instruction like that but expects you to read hs mind about how it should be accomplished. I see Maureen doing "review" of things we havent gotten to that she got to before I got there...not because there is something wrong with me but because Charlie in three months has failed to complete the one month program he promised to teach me. He has spent way too much time hibernating in his office. So I took the initiative and did a few projects on my own. When Charlie said that he hadnt seen much review I took everything I had done and he said that while it was good it wasnt review he asked for whatever that was supposed to be and how come I was getting ahead of him?... I am sort of unwilling to stay in week one the whole three months. For the first time...this week I found myself resenting the money that I have spent and the risk I have taken that ultimately have led me to be taken advantage of. Charlie has issues and I dont think he understands just how serious this is. I gave up a job, a life...yes willingly and gladly but not to sit and just fritter away literally 120.00 a day that I will owe up in the future against my house

My first bezel set ring. I did this one rather well...maybe because the stone was not a practice CZ, but one of Charlie's customers 1 carat diamonds...

Needless to say I didnt get to keep this practice ring. He gave me the wrong stone...because he wasnt attentive. Later he blamed me for this. This atmosphere of suspicion and distrust...even downright paranoia is due to a series of horrible events that have happened in the last month. Charlie's home was robbed, his step daughter was pistol whipped and terrorized. Then an attempt was made to rob the school overnight...and finally the son of a jeweler friend, a frequent visitor and graduate of the school is currently the principal suspect in the theft of a valuable diamond from the man's father's store safe... The environment is hostile and weird day in and out

My masterwork, this crucifix is actually mounting for a special artifact. A handmade nail I found in the street in the 900 block of east Broadway in downtown Louisville, while sightseeing with Woody. A professional blacksmith dated the nail to 1780 to 1830 and said that likely it was made by a slave boy, an apprentice to a blacksmith. If the child showed potential he was spared the lifetime of backbreaking field work that most black slaves faced. On top of that a trade like smithing would give a slave a trade that would help him stay free if he braved escape by swimming across the mighty Ohio river to New Albany Indiana and catching the Underground Railroad to a point further north

The cross is a lost wax centrifugal casting in sterling silver. Three dimensional in nature, the wax model was designed around the historic nail in such a way that the nail is heal securely yet can be removed so the silver can be cleaned. The iron nail cannot come in contact with my skin without causing more deterioration so that situation had to be taken into account in the design... By the way I figured it out mostly on my own, and Charlie's son Bryan, a master jeweler himself helped me with the casting and gave me tips. Charlie said he liked it and thought that I did a good job, but he bragged on it as customers saw it on my bench as I worked on it. I knew in my heart that I did good on this one

But does that mean that I can hold my own as a jeweler? Several weeks ago,as I was finishing this up, I spent a saturday afternoon roaming craft and lapadary shops looking for findings ect. Once of the first places that I stopped was a place called "friends" on funky Frankfort Ave. The lady in charge and her Jeweler Jerry looked at the cross and my other work and felt that I could do the repair work that is pouring in there and would I like a job? I would sit on the store and do repairs for a percentage of the job price. Jerry said he'd fill in any gaps on my education and not charge me 120.00 a day. He is a master engraver and was teaching at the Conner School for a while and knew Charlie really well. Said he would be glad to help me and let me have some of the work. Im not into this as a money maker, but I would be ahead if I didnt have to pay the school and extra 3500.00 for the next three months that would be a big help and if I could pay part of my way out of earnings will praise the Lord for that. I still have a couple of weeks paid for at the school so I will try to get as much as I can out of that before telling Charlie that our time is going to be a touch truncated. With the state of Indiana offering Charlie disability for his damaged hands and nerves he should take the money and run.

I feel like his heart is no longer into this, teaching that is. I also think that he is intimidated by me and that makes things strained. I have not gotten over the feeling of contempt that he seems to have for me

I knew what I was getting into when I signed up. I was willing to "spend to get" to receive all of the emenities of this place. It has been worth it. I am willing to spend to get to have the personal and financial freedom I will soon have

PS.7-1-2008 Charlie came to me and asked me about my plans and if I was going to finish out the six month course. It was the opening that I had been waiting and felt that I should work in a real shop rather than sit in his school for another three months. He said that I do learn slower than the other students but once I get the concept I do nice work. He was thrilled at the opportunity that I have to work for a real jeweler. He felt that this was a better way to go and that he was going to miss me. My time will end about the same time that Maureen will be leaving so I think the timing is great. I'm thinking about leaving July 16 and perhaps getting another part time job to fill out my wallet and try some tricks I haave learned. Tha will be grand.



Fellow Student Maureen and shop kitty Fluffy at the Conner School New Albany IN

Labels: Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Conner School, Current Events, Dreams, Kentucky

April 24, 2008

Committed

my bench Conner Jeweler's School New Albany IN

I pull my visor down and my vision forms and all becomes clear, the tiny bits of solder become shining squares against a black background . I take my torch and apply heat to the square and it becomes a molten ball. I quickly scoop up the tiny ball with a iron pick hoping that the ball will stick to the pick. Thank you, it does, now heat the ring then on the prong and off 4 times or so the little ball should jump off the pick when held close to the hotter metal and stick to the prong... I am successful about half of the time...I am successful now. Quickly, I grope for the prong wire and try to heat the solder on the ring just enough so it will cause the wire to stick to the prong when I touch it, but not so hot that the solder will come of onto the wire...I must do this quickly as the wire conducts heat fast and I need my touch to tell me if the wire adhears I have burned myself twice this way this morning and I am not up for more torture. I am successful only 1 in 10 tries today, this one was sort of OK, at least the wire stuck on but it was so crooked that if this was an actual customer job I would have to sand it off and start over. A miserable waste of time...

I knew it would be hard. This is exactly the sort of thing that comes hard to me, the One that can barely walk and chew gum at the same time...But I get it eventually...

There is no "Plan B"
There is no "Exit Plan"
There is no giving up...

There are a lot of issues. First I am still not 100 percent well. I have a ragged cough and a lot of Lung congestion. I am still having to sleep sitting up. Thank you for your prayers and comments.

I went to class this monday, but was too weary tuesday to go in and the instructor started making noises about "giving me part of my money back if I felt like I couldn't do it."...When I asked him if he thought that I had potential he said "Yes, that I have done work that was up to store standards and some perfectly. I have the ability to learn what I need to to open my business." "OK then, lets get going.." I said the next morning...

But there are no other students right now, and the hired help quit, so his other apprentice, a gal that is simply amazing for such a short amount of time at the bench, is now hired to be the gal friday and is moving from Chicago to work there and go into the business that way. But other than her there is no one else to handle the counter, take in repairs and buy the gold that has turned this semi profitable business into literally a gold mine. Today it was discovered that a watch that was taken in for repair by a student trying to help,(and not done correctly either) was missing and the customer wanted it back. I expended no effort in trying to find it but focused on my work...I felt the tension rising so I spoke up today about it.

I am a paying student, I have no time to waste getting involved with the operations of the business. I dont need to earn "credit" towards tools or other stuff. I am there to learn, and if no teaching is going on then I expect to be practicing what I have already learned and have the materiels and tools at hand to do that. If my instructor is not able to teach and I am not able to work that day on other things then I need to be compensated for that day. So while I am understanding about illness and the like, no attitudes for not picking up the phone or taking to the counter customers, that is not my place to be doing that. I dont dump trash or clean toilets, that is not my place either...

I know that the Instructor agreed verbally that I was right but I can see issues like this for the whole time that I am here. Woody and I discussed the possibility that the Instructor my be unable to continue in the long term (he confided that he is looking into a possible early retirement due to his health) and that we may be forced to look at a Plan B such as the school in Florida or even seeing if the Drouhards are still teaching up in Ohio. It really could give me the worries... but it also is a reminder that God is fully behind every thing that goes on.

I have signed a lease for three months and then it is month to month. I only have given three months of the 6 months of money to the school. If this is what God really wants me to do then He will make a way. I will trust Him to bring it to fruition in His time.

One of the things that makes it hard is the horrible music they play in there. I have started bringing my Ipod and listening to the wonderful podcasts, teaching and other programs as I did at thisplace. I feel a real lift in my heart as I take in daily food from God's word as well as instruction from great teachers and others. I can listen to this as long as I dont have a demonstration or DVD to watch. Tuning out the constant distractions is a huge help to me.

I am as committed as a soilder to this. I dont know what the future will hold, but I want to get through this and succeed. For the first time in my life, I dont want to be told that "I cant" or "You annoy me cause you arent doing it well enough so stop already" or " I am sick of this so we have to stop"... My life as I know it depends on making a go of this business.

I said tonight that I dont know how I will feel about staying in NW Arkansas if I have to work for someone. Commuting is just crazy, the price of gas is nearly $4.00 a gallon. If we came to the city like moving here we could use Public transit and be closer to everything we need. I can walk to the store, the doctor I am using even church if I chose. Its all within a mile of here. Its 5 miles to a store in Bella Vista. I could get used to apartment life if it was like this place, so very quiet all of the time...but I am getting ahead again

I cant do that. I have promised myself that I would try to live in the day one day at a time while I am here. I am trying to not fret (picture a horse breaking out in a nervious lather pulling at the bit out of unseen fear while standing safe in its stall.. that is "fretting") or worry or get ahead too far. That is not what this is about. Its been hard while so ill, getting out will help a lot as I feel better.

Annabelle is doing well and is the darling of the complex. I have to restrain her exuburances when meeting new people, but other than that she is a happy camper loving the climb up and down the stairs to go walking outside. I am so glad that I was able to bring her with me.

I ask for your continued prayers and good wishes, for I most certainly need them as I climb this mountain one step at a time.

Labels: Annabelle, Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Bella Vista, Business start up, Conner School, Faith, Health, IN, Kentucky, New Albany, Woody, working

March 28, 2008

The End of the Drought

Quiet Sugar Creek, Bentonville AR. It hasnt been like this in weeks and much of my favorite walking trail is innudated and bridges are out. Hopefully they will be fixed when I return in the fall...


I woke this morning early to the sound of hail hitting our roof. I can tell the difference from rain now, the soft ping-ping of rain on the hood of the heat pump is like music, the sound of hail like buckshot blasting down from heaven causes alarm. It hailed so hard and long last evening that it looked like it had snowed in Haiwasse amd Gravette, the next towns over from us. It had been so warm during the day that our hail, the size of water softener salt, melted very quickly. Annabelle and I had just come in from walking and we sat and watched the lightning and the wind whipped clouds until the storm passed. She didnt seem afraid. I make a point to not be afraid with her. I dont want her to become one of those poor pets that cries at every bolt of lightning. She would be a mental case if that were to happen. I would say "Its ok, and she would lick me as if to say "Dont worry Mom, I'm an Okie from Muskogee, land of twisters and hail the size of golfballs... This is nuttin..." and so she is very brave...

The Ozarks were in a state of long standing drought when we arrived in 2005. Lakes streams and reservoirs were way down and fell futher untill this winter. Its been cold and wet, now torrentially wet. We are not in the flood zone like those east of us on the White river. Sadly we are a part of the souce of their misery and as I see the spillways of our lakes flood into Big Sugar creek, a feeder stream for the White River that should crest today. 34 counties here in Arkansas are slated as disaster areas including Benton county where I live. Bella Vista, for the most part, is built on the hills and the water drains into lakes and sreams away from the buildings, Parks, golf courses and fishing lakes fill the valley floors and absorb what runoff the streams dont take to Big Sugar Creek. I count myself very fortunate.

I am nearly ready to leave for New Albany/Louisville and my apprenticeship/training with Charles Conner. My apartment is ready, furniture is in and utilites on. The Ohio River crested this week with no damage to the school which is only a few blocks away, and all seems well for the cross country trip this week. I have nearly everything packed up that I am taking. I likely have ten time more than I need but frankly, I dont want to buy anything that I can hual down there. I have plenty of room in the van. We pulled out the passenger seats, and realized a huge amount of extra space. I will need this on the return trip as I will be hualing back supplies and equipment for the shop

After exhaustive vetting, bids, ect. I finally have a General Contractor selected, and SHE, yes a local gal that came highly reccomended, will start by painting and getting that yucky mustard color (why, people, is this color so in vogue, as well as the swamp mud brown that seems to be on the walls of every spec home in the area? It looks like poop!)Karina will be getting that done now so the smell can have a chance to disapate a bit. Im glad of that.

Since leaving my former employer, I have had a chance to relax and let go of some of the things that were troubling me about staying on there. Now that I am no longer on the payroll I can talk about some of the things that were going on. The company allowed a lot of things to go on that in no way should go on in this day and age and frankly I needed to leave as I was not in a position (nor did it affect me directly as my bosses were fantastic gentlemen and were nothing but respectful and kind to me) But eventually that was going to change, as I was going to have to return to day shift and start dealing with the rampant sexual harassment and well "fishing in one's own pond" a climate of infedelity that was treated as ok. I saw myself as possibly becoming entangled in at least one person's life and perhaps in one other's and I needed to bail. I would be working for new managers and who knows how that would go. That is one reason I would have nothing to say on my blog about work, I was prohibited from writing anything that might get back to the company or pop up on the internet, and even now I wont say who I was working for...it doesnt matter.

On the home front Woody and I have been cordial and getting along. He took great exception to the post I wrote back in February regarding manners Saying that I took HUGE liberties with the truth and that it wasnt a big deal. Well it was to me and I felt that I wrote that and didnt exagerate the truth. He says he reads my blog to get a feel for how I feel because "I dont tell him" No, he doesnt listen to me doesnt hear me and I feel right now as if I will explode I have so much to say... But to express it will only cause trouble here at home. Maybe he should just talk to me directly

I predict that there will be a lot of changes in the comming months... the time alone will be good for me. It is my hope that be releasing myself from the surroundings of pain, disappointment and frustration I will find that my personal drought will have ended and that in the quiet of my near solitude after a day of learning a new thing that maybe I will have something to say and I can feel good about saying it. I wont have to listen to critical voices telling me how wrong I am. Im sick of it. I hope to one day find a place in this world where I fit in. I am willing to work for it, create it for myself.A friend shared with me that he felt that "there was life here." I think he thinks for Woody and me, but I dont think so. I think I must try to reframe my relationship with him, but the "life" will come from elsewhere. I am gestating life within me, a new life for myself. It is only a matter of time

Labels: Annabelle, Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Bella Vista, Blogging, Business start up, Conner School, Dreams, Louisville, Marriage, New Albany, Scenic Arkansas, Traveling, weather, Woody, working