December 23, 2009

The Little Christmas Miracle

My Christmas Tree and re arranged living room

I was actually looking forward to Christmas this year so it was with much cheerfulness and expectation that I went to the garage and pulled out my boxes of stuff. I have in this past years sorted out and sold much of my decorative stuff, so I would have less to haul around and store should I have to move...but the boxes I have left were not touched...I know intimately what is in those boxes, the treasure of Christmas past's... every ornament has a story..

Abigail on watch looking out the front window trying to not be distracted by the twinkling lights on the tree

Every year I buy at least on new ornament, sometimes two, for example, hanging down is the trefoil of Louisville, long and slim, never to be confused with the wider one that graces the arms of New Orleans or the short wide one that symbolizes
St. Louis...or the shell, shiny with glitter that my Mom gave me as a memento of our Christmas on Kauaii, our last Christmas together.This years, the cross on the ribbon, I gave a matching one to my RCIA sponsor

While in Louisville I visited a cute little shop that sold the European style Christmas ornaments I saw cute little dogs and decided I wanted one that looked like Annabelle a black and white shih tzu... I looked high and low, but I I found was this curious looking multicolored one with a blue bow...

It didnt look like Annabelle, I I bought a Maltese that looked a lot more like her...but I couldnt leave the little golden doggie behind so I bought it as well. It had a cute little box and it went into the carton once I got home from Louisville.. I didnt hang it on last years tree...

My little Christmas Miracle

Well we know what happened Annabelle went to wait for me at the Rainbow bridge, I was adopted by the cutest little De Colores doggie peaches and cream, Miss Abigail Valentine came into my life...She has enriched and exasperated me and filled my life with laughter... I cant imagine my life without her

I had forgotten the little glass ornament, in its transparent box, untill I went to put my tree up and saw..Abigails little face looking up at me from deep in the recesses of the storage carton...I have wondered all along... "Why God," "Why am in this mess, Why must my life be so hard?" "Do You have a plan, or am just subject to everyone elses whims?" "Does my life have meaning...or am I just taking up space here?" "Does God really care..."

He cares enough to compel me to take a seemingly unnessary object to a cash register then save it until... He cared enough to cause Abigail to attach herself to me at a time when I needed unconditional love. He gave me a job when I was at the end of my rope. I need to start really trusting in this God that reached down and used this tiny thing to show me His previenent care

Sometimes you need a tiny miracle to renew your faith

Dont worry Mom... God's got it all figured out...My dark beauty ms. Abigail

Labels: Abigail, Annabelle, Faith, Louisville

July 13, 2009

The Sundering

The Hale Pau'ana Huakai...The House At the End Of The Long Journey...certainly the place where the journey ended for Woody and I.

Neither of you can return to the house...by the time we are done with the sale no beds or furniture will be left it will all be sold to the bare walls.Both of your items are laid out side by side... It would not be fair to either of you if you came in when we arent here... The lady running our eastate sale pronounced to me...

The house is sold, the insurance company is paying to put a new roof on, and the neighbors have pitched in to help Woody clear away the accumulated grime of the neglect of months...I tried to start on it myself, and found that my grief, my disappointment and frankly overflowing anger and hurt did not allow me to do much... Woody parked on his ass watching golf while I tried to vacum with a wand that was only three feet long... I think he wanted to see me struggle with that so I would be stooped over in a groveling position. We ended up shouting and I heard for the upteenth time that I only am to him the sum of our accumulated wealth...which he has squandered and blames me for the situation we find ourselves in, he had only to look around at our treasures amidsts the filth... the gold amidst the trash... Our dream home, our dream life in ruins, It was never real because you only have life if you make it...living on the largesse of others is not living... You never go anywhere if you dont work for it. It was a life... but I was the only one driving it, and without the help of a partner wanting to go in the same direction, it was bound to crash.

Aloha my Popoki Makoa and KaNani...

If there are two creatures that have suffered through the desperation of our separation and divorce its Mak and Nani. I saw them a few days ago and they were in terrible shape. Overweight, matted and claws so overgrown that they are having surgery in the coming days to fix their feet and relieve the pain. Their new caregiver is their vet, who is going to try to find a good home for them... why dont I take them...because I may very well need to move soon and that could mean couch surfing, living in a small apartment, or living at a friends home. Abigail has a home with her breeder as long as I need to leave her there... Mak and Nani have been astranged from me since 2007 when I broke my foot. They became afraid of me then I worked nights and went to Louisville. They have forgotten I am their mom...the one that took them out of the cardboard box in the Hilo Famer's market, fretted over them and cried for them as we flew from Honolulu to Houston. Now they hiss when I try to go near them, and their mats are so deep that their skin is sore, so petting is unpleasent and hurts them. I know that things will be better for them any place but where they were

I didnt see them off today, as I was working... but I trust that Woody loves them and will do whats right for them...Its all I can do.

My Chinese desk symbolic of my business and my time in Hawaii

I took my things, including this fragile desk and related peices to the estate liquidators who salivated over it. I believe over half of the stuff that I brought here to Peartree was returned to the house for the sale. I filled the space in the house with something else, and its ok. The extra space is good... the money will be good and the letting go of something that will not make another journey intact... very good. My style has changed. My life has changed. A sleeker, more streamlined look, easier to clean and manage is more appropriate for me. The fabrics,patterns, books of my former domestic life, where I danced, made costumes and all of my own clothing has come to an end for now. It needs to be sold while it still has value, and here in quilting sewing heaven it does! All of the equipment I purchased for my aborted business is being looked at by jewelry pros in the area that are game to try at what I have no nerve to do now. I am letting go of that dream so I can change my life for the better. I have a plan now and if I can get a job soon I will be ok... selling this stuff will buy me time to get under way.

I am also letting go... so what is left of ME will stay intact. Woody is an alcoholic he confrims it by his loud denials and running around the neighborhood finding out if I have "talked" behind his back. I know that he is moving on, headed to a couch, and a job in California and that this is God's plan for me. I wish it could be on good terms.

But I fear that this will not be the case. I have yet to meet a drunk that refused help and still cared about his/her confrontor. Either your beloved drunk gets help, or you need to get going. My mother stayed for 30 years with my Dad. She had her reasons, but I am not going to do that and didnt do that. I also dont have to stay defeated either. Yes, I am going to my first meeting tomorrow night, and yes I am going to get well, whatever that means. If it means sleeping on a friends couch for a bit OK. It may mean 30 days at NW Arkansas Womens Shelter, that could be a good experience... If it means moving 1000 miles south I will do that. If it means uncertainty while I wait on God, and learn the true meaning of faith, I am committed to doing that.

I felt torn asunder this past weekend...I think today...thats a good thing. Its a finality that needed to happen. The Sundering, all of us going our separate ways frees me for what God has for me next. Abi and I are waiting, praying and hoping...

The New Journey is just beginning....

Woody in our backyard with my beloved Annabelle when she was three months old two years ago August 2007

Labels: AA, Abigail, Annabelle, Bella Vista, California, Faith, Hawaii, Marriage, Personal Growth, Woody

May 05, 2009

My Lil' Valentine

My Little Valentine
Known as Susi in the kennel, born on Valentine's Day. I am going to reuse the name Abigail...She seemed to like it! She is a full sister to my Annabelle. Interesting how different she looks, but I see the same eyes, and tiny turned up nose, the crooked little smile...

I drove out in the pouring rain to meet this little girl. She and her sister as well as her two brothers were available to view, and I thought that I was up to sitting with the puppies and seeing how things went. Some grieving puppy parents come out two and three times before they settle on a new friend...

I am learning that this process is a process. Abigail, the first Abigail was a good girl, she just needs a lot more attention than I was going to be able to offer her. Two retiree ladies that share a house have taken her home, and other than her one nasty habit she is doing well. I didnt notice any of this batch of puppies indulging in that, for which I am glad. Poop eating is a sign of stress, which didnt seem present, even thought the puppies have been cooped up for days because of the pouring rain here. The night before there were tornado sightings out in the area, which is about 45 miles west of Fort Smith.

I drove out alone. I dont usually make such long drives this is a 325 mile round tripper. John wasnt wanting to go with me, so I made the choice the drive on my own. Even with the rain I was amazed at how beautiful the countryside. The green of the grass and tree leaves is so bright it jars the eyes. Water flowing down the hillsides and the rocky outcrops along the 540 highway. I plodded along and listened to John Michael Talbot's worship recording... The lightning strikes at key moments made it all seem surreal

I was glad to be alone. I needed to have time to think, time to pray and time to cry a little. I have had a lot to think about this week, lots of change, lots of conviction about areas of my life that I know need work spiritually. Lots of concerns about friends about the future at the church.





I spent 4 hours in the puppy barn. Because the weather has been so bad, the little darlings had been cooped up in the viewing area with blankets and towels to wee on. The smell was pretty intense. Pam didnt want photos taken of the mess, I wish I could show you all what this whole experience is like because it is delightful. She had her cleaning clothes on so she cleaned while I played with puppies. There is nothing like having a swirling mass of little beings that want nothing more than to get your attention... "Pick Me! Pick Me!" as they yip and pull at my shoelaces, and tumble over each other in reckless abandon. I think every child should have this experience once in their life, it is very sweet and wonderful, all of those little faces looking expectantly at me. This is not a puppy mill, but a nursery where the doggies are not caged but have large runs, warm sleeping nests, and safe places to nurse and care for the babies, under the wide Oklahoma sky. See the most recent video here




I decided that I wanted another girl to fuss over... I think that I would feel silly putting bows in the hair of my boy dog...I am so old fashioned. So Pam and I put all of the boys down for a nap...then all of the girls that are on hold, and or sold. This brought my choices down to six. There is a gender bias against the males, and there seem to be more of them born these days at Shih Tzu Heaven. I dont think it has to do with hair bows, the bias I mean. I think the boys are sweet and cuddly, but the word is that house training is harder... I havent seen that with Pam's boys they all trot outside like champs. I saw seven-eight week olds looking for the pet door. Pretty amazing.

I picked up all of the girls and held each one, I had also looked at older females and pups less than 8 weeks old. The six pups in "day care" were my "finalists"... There was the black with white sister of Annabelle, a bit on the bossy side pushing other pups around and acting like she was the little queen. I was actually on the hunt for her, but she wasnt the right one...I could just tell. There were brown and white pups from different parents...

And there was this little girl that had attached herself to me. She sat by my chair and kept looking up. She was bigger than the others, and would clearly grow larger than the Imperial size I wanted. I did pick her up a few times and put her down again. She stayed by me even pushing other pups away to keep me all to herself... It didnt go unnoticed by yours truly.

I picked her up again and asked about her parents. I think Pam faked not hearing me... I cuddled the pudgy toddler admiring her button eyes and turned up nose. She also has lovely markings of gold on her dark face... After a few more minutes I realized that I was really crazy about this one she was just radiating love and contentment while laying in my arms... When I asked Pam when she would be ready to go home, she said "May 14", and I knew...she was one of Shadow and Taco's babies, one of the Valentine puppies... Annabelle's other full sister and she seemed crazy about me. I said "Well, thats settles it...she is one of the family, and she should go home with me." And so she is as soon as she is ready to leave the nest... no rushing it this time

I remembered looking at her on the computer back in February as I traveled to Birmingham with Linda... after my Beloved had died and thinking that one of these babies would be mine to love. I hope that all goes well this time, and that we will become true companions. I should have her in two weeks... I can hardly wait


Aint Love Grand?

Labels: Abigail, Annabelle, Faith

April 13, 2009

A Life Well Lived

Flowering trees taken off the Upper patio of the First United Methodist Church Bella Vista AR

Written 4-9-2009

Its Holy Thursday and I have enjoyed listening to the services on EWTN. They are showing the evening service from Rome, presided over by the Pope... in the church of St John Lateran, I think my favorite of the churches in Rome that I have seen photos of, very beautiful

I am also engaging in a personal ritual. Every year or so, this time its about 13 months, I finish one personal journal and start a new one. This will occur in the next few weeks and I wanted to have the new one selected and ready.

This process usually means my digging in my cedar chest formally known as my "hope" chest, but after two failed marriages there is not much hope there. I have my journals stored in it now to protect them from humidity and the elements. There are 40 completed journals beginning from 1978 till now. Some are in better condition than others, the cheap paper caused the inks to fade, others are as bright as the day I penned the words... thousands of hours of prayers, reflections and narrative... my life bound up in ink, paper and cloth...with insertions of clippings photos and little bits of life. For example... I found a mat clipped from Annabelle's coat a week after her death, the lump of silky hair missed the waste basket. From trash to treasure... I kissed the tiny bit of my beloved and placed it between the pages of my current journal where I noted her untimely passing and my torrent of grief...

I also found a very good photo of my mother that I didnt know that I still had that fell from the pages of one of my journals... I have so few from those last few years of her life. This was taken before Parkinson's hardened her face into a twisted scowl.She was happily riding on a friends borrowed Rascal scooter, Dreaming of her own I think. She was to cannive her way into ownership of a Rascal, just when she could no longer manage it. she took it out and lost control of it and rant the thing off the sidewalk and tumbled her out of it... The Bellflower police brought her home and the nursing home took the keys away from her... Sadly the scooter languished on a uncovered patio, while the payments racked up. These ads on TV for the "scooter store" that tease seinors into buying something they cant afford are criminal. The thing promised freedom that she couldnt afford and couldnt manage. I shed a few tears for the frustration and pain she endured in those last years... it wasnt easy for her...

When I look at my journals, which is not often really, I can spend hours reliving the past in them. I am amazed at what I write about and what I dont write about. The pages of prayers and reflections on Biblical studies in the Hosanna years of 1988 to 1996, and how my writing abruptly changed... How all of my life in Hawaii spanned only four volumes, how thankful I am that I blogged and took all of the pictures otherwise it would all seem like a dream

I said a lot about my mis adventures while married to the Engineer, but nothing specific enough to use in my Magesterial Annulment. Too bad as I really need some help here.

4-13-09

But I think what made me the saddest was the pages and pages of rage directed at Woody and our relationship, and the pages of tear stained missive of how lost I have been over the years, spiritually since the Calvary Chapel debacle. In counseling this past week Susan, my new therapist, and I touched on how the "Offense" that we receive from another Believer or another can be a vehicle for the enemy of our souls to impede our growth as persons and as children of God. I know this to be true.

The two situations are linked. Now that I have been apart form Woody for the better part of a year I have really been able to move forward away from both issues and see real healing in my life. The proof is the forgiveness I have been able to freely give to other "offenders" like Linda the gal from Birmingham, or even the Vet that cared for Annabelle and maybe didnt do all that he could have. I see a peace that I have not had as far as the past goes that I didnt have a year ago.

Looking backwards is a useful tool if you have an objective means to do so. My journals provide that. True, they are subjective because it is only my view of events but I try to be as true to myself as I can be

As I was going through the chest I found the huge stack of letters that I have saved over the years, Certainly not every letter that I have ever received, If I did that I would have a pile big enough to fill my garage floor to ceiling! No these were letters from old boyfriends and old cards and things... A lot could go with no regrets and I re read some of them and had a laugh and tossed the rest unread. The bundle halved I retied the ribbons and stowed the much smaller pile away

Some times I need to dig through some of this for perspective. I have had a good life. And its only maybe half over God willing. I want to be more present in the moment... More intentional about caring for others and for myself...less concerned about the past mis steps and those things I cannot control and lastly more trusting in the God Who Sees me, Who knows me and all that I am. All that I have and all that I am is from Him. I need to learn to believe that He is for my good and that the rest of my life will be just as well lived as the first half was





Abigail playing with her pink doggie... I miss the little mutt let

Labels: Annabelle, Church, Faith, Family History, Marriage, Personal Growth, Woody

March 24, 2009

Remember Me~ The Monthmind for Annabelle

Annabelle and her little boyfriend Paco at a Tiny Dog Play Day, Bentonville AR

Years ago death was commemorated by a year of mourning. Every month on the day of the passing of the Departed One, a funeral mass, the Lux Aeterna, would be said in memorial. I dont know if I will need a year but I saw this little poem on a pet grief website and thought that I would pass it on. If someone knows its author I will credit the work

Thank you for all of your love and support during this hard time in my life

Remember Me

“Remember me always, but do not grieve for me too long. I have tried always to comfort you in times of sorrow, and have made every effort to add joy to your life. I never wanted to cause you pain.

Peace for me is certain now, and I suspect I will have eternal sleep in the earth I have loved so well.

Please, after your period of grieving for me, make room in your heart for another. You are the kind of human being that should always have a friend like me to love. Your kind and gentle heart should not be wasted on my memory for too long. Give your love to another. I know your new friend will never take my place, because we had something very special.

It may not be quite the same, but a new devoted and loving companion will in time, become special in their own way.

You loved me very much and I loved you. My spirit will always be with you, and no matter how deep my sleep, my grateful heart will always remember you.

Labels: Annabelle, Faith

March 18, 2009

Faith Beyond Knowing

Flowers by the roadside, near Blueeye MO

The Sacrifice of Isaac Gen 22

After these things God tested Abraham and said to him, “Abraham!” And he said, “Here am I.”He said, “Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you.”So Abraham rose early in the morning, saddled his donkey, and took two of his young men with him, and his son Isaac. And he cut the wood for the burnt offering and arose and went to the place of which God had told him.

When they came to the place of which God had told him, Abraham built the altar there and laid the wood in order and bound Isaac his son and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood.Then Abraham reached out his hand and took the knife to slaughter his son.But the angel of the Lord called to him from heaven and said, “Abraham, Abraham!” And he said, “Here am I.”He said, “Do not lay your hand on the boy or do anything to him, for now I know that you fear God, seeing you have not withheld your son, your only son, from me.”And Abraham lifted up his eyes and looked, and behold, behind him was a ram, caught in a thicket by his horns. And Abraham went and took the ram and offered it up as a burnt offering

And the angel of the Lord called to Abraham a second time from heaven and said, “By myself I have sworn, declares the Lord, because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son, I will surely bless you,

I have always thought that this passage...this story in the Bible was amazing. How could that old man have so much faith in God? How could Isaac have so much faith he was a kid compaired to his father, though I am sure he was a grown man. How easily Isaac could have overpowered his father and not allowed him to secure him to the altar. But he trusted his Dad and his dad's God....

I have never had a great faith. I have people around me who say I have great faith, but truthfully I am filled with doubt... Maybe it was watching my parents struggle through life, and while my Mother was quick to give God the credit when something good happened, I wondered how much of the "miracle" was due to her formadible strength of will. The same is true in my life. I have wondered if the miracles in my life were self derived...I dont know anymore.

In this time of great suffering for so many people, I am more than aware of how it is for you to pray and pray and have the Heavens seem like brass to your desparate words. I feel like my life is like this.I know that God is listening but it seems like He isnt.

I so admire people with great faith, in the ashes of the day, as the sun is warmer, people are coming forward and shoping. I can only hope that a job for yours truly will soon follow. Woody has put our home up for sale. With the reduction of intrest rates this week I am hopeing that he will be able to sell and get the money out of it that he is entitled to. It will also change my credit rating for the better and that is really needed. I have lost a number of opportunities because my credit is a desiding factor, and while its not totally whacked its isnt helped with the HELOC being 90 percent of my available credit and its behind.

In other news, I have received an invite to drive out to Annabelle's breeder and have the pick of the litter of Li'l Man and My Little Shadow's pups,who were born Valentine's Day. These were Annabelle's parents. She has a litter once a year and its small there are 2 boys and 2 girls. There are other pups and older dogs. The breeder is a LCSW, and understands the grief process. She said not to push if it feels right we will go ahead if not I can come back. The financial burden is outweighed by the shear joy of having a furry person in my life...

I need the reminder to live in the moment, and not worry about the future so much.

Labels: Annabelle, Faith, Personal Growth, Woody, working

March 06, 2009

Walking Alone

Walking trail at Bella Vista Lake

The weather is so beautiful, I cant hardly believe how warm and nice it is. Perfect for walking. So I am trying to get out...but it has been so hard...

I am missing my walking partner

Not so long ago I walked by myself, and thought nothing of it. And perhaps it will be that way again, but for now the pain is nearly unbearable. I see people with their little shihtzus, even dogless people happy and smiling. I look at my world and everything is just broken...

I got a call last night, The Census people wanted to hire me... I missed the call and now cant get through, It was a job...a paying job. I dont know if they will call back

My friend Linda hasnt spoken to me in a week. I have called, gone by the house and emailed. Their dogs are home, and when I come to the door, they bark then stop...I think she is there, but doenst want to see me. I can think of a few reasons why but tell me ok so I can understand and slink off to the rock that I crawled out from under. If she is mad at me I wish she would be mature enough to tell me.

Walking today was so painful I found myself saying...Lets go! Lets go! to the tiny ghost walking with me. I found myself just breaking into sobs... I dont think any one of the myriad of people in my life have the slightest grasp of how I feel.

I know that people do know how I feel it is just so crushing. I saw this video on MSN and it really encouraged me to not let all of this get me down It is now 10 pm ten hours later... after I started this post I realized that I was in a bad way, so I showered and left early. I went to lunch...to my favorite Chinese place...it is my birthday after all and why not... I am retaking the Insurance class this week. It isnt my first choice of a career but I am going to try. I had some other interviews this week that went very well so we shall see. It is just so hard to wait and see...

One of my errands was to Dr Eric to take back the medications that Annabelle didnt need. He sat me down and told me that the tests came back and Bella's death was due to a severe bacterial infection, not Parvo. I am not under any sort of quarantine, no steam cleaning of carpets needed and to go get another furry friend if I wanted... He told me again how sorry he was that he thought that she was rallying when he let us go home, but she was too far gone and gave up after I put her into her bed for a bit of rest. God has a reason for taking her. I need to trust Him. But the pain and the odd feeling of something missing in my life is unbearable.

I need to say this...losing her I think is making me a healthier more whole person. I feel like I am in touch with feelings that have been suppressed for a long time. Truthfully, I found myself not crying or getting upset because it upset Annabelle so much. Imagine having to have a stiff upper lip for the sake of the dog! (smile) But I also gained in self control...the good kind and I am glad for that....

I have had a lot of people die in my life, not just of old age or catastrophic illness, though watching a young friend die of AIDS in the 80's was about the worst... Still not my parents nor my friends who have died elicited this depth of grief. I have had four friends commit suicide in my life time, had another friend in High School who was murdered by the Freeway Killer, William Bonin. At a low point in my life I made a sudden new friend, like I did Linda recently, only to have her die a few months later of a massive heart attack at age 49, I mentioned her in this post way back when... I believe in that little poem in the post that we have to live in the now...today... Love today live today.. I heard the Kenny Rogers song "One Life" this morning and I sang along with the radio to the little ghost that sometimes I can still see pirouetting around me as I do housework today...

If there's a way of makin' time stand still for good
I haven't found it yet
If I could love you for eternity, I would
But I regret

I've only got one life; I've only got one life
An' one lifetime's just not long enough to live
I've only got one heart; I've only got one heart
And I wish I had a hundred more to give
Girl, there's so little time and so much I want to do
But I've only got one life to love someone like you.

Can't take my eyes off you, I'm afraid of what I'll miss
It goes by so fast
So I'll treat each moment that I've been blessed, with you
Like it's the last.

I've only got one life; I've only got one life
An' one lifetime's just not long enough to live
I've only got one heart; I've only got one heart
And I wish I had a hundred more to give
Girl, there's so little time and so much I want to do
But I've only got one life to love someone like you.

I dont know if it is right to take on another responsibility just now with my life in such turmoil, I have a lot of misgivings about it, but on the other hand I see doggies on Craigslist that need a home, and think, what is a little food. a walk and a snuggle worth? Priceless.

I look at the website for Annabells Breeder and had a good cry when I watched this Precious

The lady accross the street who is Doggie Mom to an aged Dacshund named Oscar...a wistful admirer of Annabelle.... said she would help me by coming in and pottying my new baby should I chose to get another dog and need help with that,once I get a job... but i dont know how long I will be here if I dont land a job soon. Moving again just scares me, but I am preparing for that possibility. Where is another question...

Im paring down my stuff that I took out of the house with Woody... for example, I have started to go though my craft things, I have boxes and boxes of fabrics. I want to eliminate that to a box or two of special peices to keep. I would like to be sewing again soon, But I have a lot of stuff that I just will never use so its bye bye to that and off to the Cosy Shoppe where I have a consignment stall I sold a bunch of stuff last month, gave me a little bit of cash. I also went to the clothing consignment store where there was another c note waiting for me. I put a ton of stuff on consignment before I went to Louisville, and the payoff was nice.

Its easy to be afraid. We were talking about investment vehicles tonight and I found myself thinking that in 20 years I will be old enough to retire and I have NOTHING saved up, I was counting on Woody and our paid off house and a lot of things that are not going to pan out. I find myself becoming paralysed with fear but I know that God cares and its His job to provide for me when the time comes...

And perhaps that is the lesson of this hour, this time, and this year of my life. I can depend on no one, no creature, no anything, but God alone, and as I grow another year older, another year healthier, mentally and physically and another year stronger, spiritually and emotionally, I am grateful to Him Who Gives above anything we can ask or think of. Thank you God for another year of life and for all that came my way great and small, and for whatever is to come.

Labels: Annabelle, Bella Vista, Family History, Personal Growth, working

February 28, 2009

A New Thing

Snowy Dawn over Hawk's Nest Ravine. Bella Vista

"But forget all that-it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do a brand-new thing. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness for my people to come home. I will create rivers for them in the desert!
Isa 43:18-19

A week ago this was the reading for Mass, I pondered it when I went on the way to church, then that afternoon... I came home in the late evening to find my Bella so ill, not knowing that the "new thing" was going to be living alone, really alone. My heart is just numb and cold, like the world outside my window cold and frozen with the blowing snow.

My time away from home was a good thing, I was removed from the scene of my heartache for a time. I could cry and grieve and not have to deal with the aftermath. Woody did a good job putting Bella's things away in the garage. He is devestated about this and found the need to go to the church for comfort the day I left which I think is a great thing. He cried from his heart and that grief was a very healthy thing.

I have spent the day before the TV, watching EWTN, there have been some very uplifting shows on and I have found some comfort in the shows on the Lenten season, the prayers and meditations . The wind is gusting and blowing the snow off of my roof and adding clouds of white to the feather like swirling snow drifting down. I have candles burning, and the whole scene is warm and comforting, in the face of what feels like God's abandonment of me. I know what the Psalmist must have been feeling like when he wrote the 88th Psalm I am suffering a true dark night of the soul, that I must stay on top of or drown...

The news is so abysmal... How many of you have stopped watching all of this trash on TV? The media is scaring people. I was in the home of well meaning folks this week, but they have pastors telling them tales of underground prisions that will house Believers that Obama is going to have rounded up.... For Pete's sake! Sadly there are a lot of Christians screaming "End of the world" nonesense. I grew up in a Dispensational Eschatology... The rapture, literal 7 year tribulation, literal 1000 year reign of Christ ect. Even with that this situation isnt as bad as 1930 with the depression, Hitler and Stalin.... which surely must have frightened our parents and grandparents, yes Jesus could return tomorrow but we live in today. We must live in today and leave tomorrow to itself...

I heard a great devotion on this subject from Father Leo Clifford (The exact one was not available on this link but there are some good ones here enjoy a bit of wisdom) Fr. Clifford commented on how good it was that everyday is a new day...that we reherse death by sleeping and we rise again to enjoy a new day...that we can only truly live today. Imagine if we were flown up in a helecopter and could see our whole lives at once, how discouraging that would be. The Carpenter would see the 5,000 houses he would have to build, or the Doctor, witha crowd of people to treat the size of Madison Square Garden, or the mother, with a life times worth of dirty dishes to clean, runny noses to wipe, and diapers to change! Is it not wonderful that God only gives us enough for today. The Children of Israel only got to gather enough of the Manna the heavenly food God provided for them for the day. It rotted if they overgathered. My life rots if I try to get ahead of God.

So, I cry a bit and smile a bit and I am waiting for the new thing. I dearly hope it is a job. It may be a new furry friend. I have answered several ads on Craigslist for pets that need homes, we shall see how things go

Labels: Annabelle, Faith, Personal Growth

February 26, 2009

In The Company of Strangers

My suitcase at the door of the Larkin residence... Pelham Alabama

Post begun in Birmingham Alabama 2-25-09

It’s late and everyone has gone to their appointed beds. I am in this palatial home in the Pelham District of Birmingham, and under the care of the lovely Luedean Larkin, a local real estate broker. She handled the relocation of my new friends, Ray and Linda to Northwest Arkansas home, when Ray was hired by Wal-Mart. Dispite the latest round of layoffs that relocation seems to have been a very positive one.Fortunately the guy has managed to miss the lay off bullet. No doubt our prayers helped.

I was thinking about making this trip before the passing of Annabelle. She was not ill, but I wasn’t sure where I was going to leave her , that question became moot that morning. I called Linda, who waited till I had gotten the chance to make arrangements for the disposal of the remains, and I had a very important job interview that morning,which I had to go to. Woody was coming over to stay with Bella and chose to drive me to Dr Rose's office, where our cats are cared for. She has service for either cremation or burial or outright disposal...Bella is being cremated and her ashes are going into a tiny box. I have her beautiful Pom Pom for remembrance. Dr Rose is Dr Eric's partner. He was in Little Rock where he had driven in the wee hours of the morning to attend a conference. Did this affect Bella's care. I wondered till I spoke to her breeder who confirms she must have had a Corona (Parvo) type virus which is nearly always fatal and if its not can leave a dog disabled and/or debilitated. I am glad she is not reduced to the status of invalid but is free in whatever doggy heaven God provides to them. She deserves to run free, clean and perfectly groomed under the trees in the grass like she did in Louisville when we lived there jumping into angelic golf carts looking for love and treats. She is smiling down at me and wants me to go on. These ladies I have been surrounded with have loved on me with words of comfort like this, my pastor has contacted me... my cousin and a number of friends have been wonderful.

Woody went in and cleaned up the bloody bathroom, took out her crate, clothes,blankies, toys, beds, threw away her chews and dumped bowls and such, I will run everything that can be kept through an sanitizing wash. I will have the carpets cleaned and such. He said the smell of death (like a meat market after Katrina)permeated the house and now it is aired out. I am grateful to him for doing that. He said the worst moment was going to the trash and seeing the waste and all of the pads that were soiled, "how did she live even as long as she did?" he wondered. I know she was brave to the end, and fought like a trooper.

The job interview went very well and I have a lot of hope that I will get that job. I had really sold myself to the HR lady and she seemed pleased at me, I was interviewed by a VP and three team leaders. Maybe I will get this one. I will have a long drive, nearly 40 miles one way, but I dont care, life must go on and the going takes employment. The people seemed very nice.

Linda and I left for Birmingham about noon its 600 miles... from there to here...I missed the tiny furry traveler that had made the last journeys of this magnitude with me. Linda is a saint, she let me cry on and off, and we shared stories and dreams. She is a survive like myself. Has been through a lot of stuff, she has... She comes from a similar place, and understood the difficult place I find myself in. She says that she doesn't understand how I am still standing up. I don't know either, only God knows

Our journey ended in Leudean's home, where she had food for me and a bed. The next day was a day of work. Linda and Leudean spent the morning going over the contract for the sale of Linda's house. In the afternoon Linda and I went and inspected the house to make sure it was ready for the new owners and then we had an appointment for the closing at Leudeans office.

With some time to kill we had ice cream at Greenwood Drugstore's soda fountain and lunch counter. This was a blast from the past and the ice cream was great too.

Then it was off to the closing. I sat at the far end of the table, and read the days devotions and wrote a long entry in my hand written journal regarding Annabelle's passing. I needed to get it all out and everyday I feel better and better about things. The closing was very sucessful, these people are buying the house and Linda and her husband are financing it, so like my own situation its a win win if you can make the payments.

The next two nights were to be spent at the daughter and son in law of Linda's but because Linda's business was an all day event, it was mutually agreed that we would stay with Leudean another night. After hearing about all of the difficulties Linda has had with her daughter and Grandchildren, I was glad to not have the confrontation. I sank gratefully into that wonderful bed, grateful to God and Leudean for the gift of hospitality. And fell soundly to sleep, amidst the antiques and charcoal portraits of her family.

We journeyed after a leisurely getting up and preparing for the day. Linda has shared with me that her relationship with her daughter has been strained in the past and the conversations she was having on the phone gave me the impression that this was still the case. We got to the daughters home and the kids were fine and things seemed to be going really well... we had a bit of lunch and visited.

But frankly the kids were growing more and more "comfortable" with me, and the situation was deteriorating. I went for a walk and the 5 year old girl "had" to go with me. I didnt mind, but wondered at the wisdom of a mother allowing her daughter to walk all over the neighborhood with a stranger? The little girl was chatty and a bit bossy. Frankly it was wearing. The little boy was a toddler, typical but he threw his bottle at me several times and hit their little dog while he was sitting in my lap and just showed behavior that was demonstrative of a child jealous of attention and wanting his own way.

About 4 pm I lost it. The 15 year old had come home from school and was stimulating the younger kids. Linda was sitting on the couch with me, the kids were pressing around and the 15 year old was acting like one of the little ones, When he made a move to jump on me I had enough. I abruptly got up and left the house and stood outside. I "monsooned" cried my eyes out which I needed to do. I stopped crying and tried to go in. They had locked the door so I couldnt go back inside. The little girl was mad that I didnt giver her money for the ice cream truck. Linda came out and calmed me down and I tried to pull myself together.

I went back inside and sat in the living room with the kids. The kids were watching this hideois cartoon. I had Moe the doggie in my lap and that as OK. His little squeals of pleasure hurt but I stroked him. I over heard Linda and her daughter argueing and it was bout me and the sleeping arrangements. Seems the woman thought that yesterdays efforts were something I controled, not my friend, and that some how I had kept her mother away from visiting her...Sick at heart I got my purse and was headed outside when Linda came down the stairs. I told her it was OK and I would go someplace for the night. Linda graciously took me to a motel and I have a nice little suite for the evening quiet and calm. I am sorry that I couldnt handle it. Like Linda said, "my plate runneth over..." and the timing was bad

We go home in the morning, even with this difficulty today I am so glad to have come here. I have gotten to know Linda better. I have been in a strange situation, that will help me the next time I travel in the company of strangers. I will do better accepting hospitality, and being a gracious guest, which is something I long to do in this age of living room couch sleepovers, and couch surfing travelers...


the inviting entryway

Labels: Annabelle, Friends, Traveling

February 25, 2009

Poem~ Lenten Penance...a lament

The Baby Girl the day we first met


Lenten Penance 2009
Or
A Lament for Annabelle


I woke with a start
My Heart
My Beautiful Grace
In a strange place
Looking to bring you out of your bed
Into the day…

But here it is, Ash Wednesday
And you left this world but yesterday
In the midst of Mardi Gras

Today, I am traveling
In the company of strangers
Doing business that is not my own
Dreaming of you,
While sleeping in a kind stranger’s bed

I listen for you still
Even in this unfamiliar place
Longing to hear your tiny calling for me
Never pushing or willful
A still small voice of yearning and love for me
In the quiet hours

My tears are for your suffering
And for the losses of my lifetime
Even as I gave you up to God
My heart said…

“No, No! Not fair!, My loss is already so great
In this season of my life!”

But as hands…Strong and gentle
Tending you in a futile effort
Greater Hands than mine
Were lifting you to a Better Place

You looked at us with trust and love
As your life ebbed slowly away
You kissed each of us goodbye
And spent
Your last breath
In the safety of the bed
You always loved

I shall never forget you
Firstborn of this new heart of mine
My fast this Lent
Shall be of your presence

I need no greater penance than this

Labels: Annabelle, Current Events, Traveling

February 24, 2009

Death In The Family

my Annabelle

giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, Ephesians 5:20

my beautifull little girl went to God this morning sometime between 1 and 5 am She went to sleep peacefully after Woody came to see her last night when we got back from the vet... We were full of hope. I believe She had something like Parvo...even though she was fully vaccinated. She lost so much blood, she was in shock and while we managed to warm her up she didnt stay warm. My heart knew when we were going to the vet that she wasnt going to make it and there was some reason God knew for that.

I realized that, as I drove into the night with her, that much of my decision making has been based on her needs as well it should be, she was my responsibility. When I thought about this and losing her and all that this means. I was mad at God for a moment, and then I said outloud..,. God if you want her, you may have her. I dont want anything between You and I. Never give something you dont mean to give to God...He will do what is best for you even if it seems just too awful.

Not wanting to sound all holy, but my first thought as I sat down with her stiffening body in my arms want how very thankful I am that I had her even for this short while. God gave me a precious gift. She thaught me what love is, unconditional love. And I rejoice in her life . She made so many people happy. She was my good friend and while I dont know how I will go on from here, without her to love... but I will go on.

Someday there will be another puppy another time of love and discovery. God knows the reason for this loss. Maybe I will see it someday but for now my heart is just broken...

I will post again in a week or two

even now her one eye is open like that... God bless you, baby on your new journey

Labels: Annabelle, Personal Growth, Relationships, Woody

February 23, 2009

The Long Winter

Snowy Pear Trees Peartree Cottage Bella vista AR

I am singularly unmotivated to write these days ... as I speak my little Annabelle is fighting for her life. 48 hours ago she was fine, then yesterday she began to have serious vomiting and diarrhea...She is up on her shots and doesnt spend a lot of time outside... the vet has tested her for Parvo virus and other issues and nothing. We dont know why we just can see the blood pouring from her rectum every half hour. I will be having her hydrated tonight and Dr. Eric will be coming in to pill her for me, as she cant keep it down just now.

If she dies...

My life is at a low point. I am so down right now. I have no prospect for work , and 90 days of cash after that I will be on the street. Woody lost his job friday along with hundreds more Walmart folks, and others. One of my friends went to an interview for a part time job...2000 people applied for it....little wonder I am getting no action on the job front.

Woody is going to get a foreclosure notice on our house on Ashton Circle, or rather I will get it...the loan is in my name only. What Woody and our cats will do I dont know...I cant think about it. Its not his fault he lost his job... The meltdown here is incredible. Worse, Seniors who have paid off homes are bringing their grown children here to live with them, from other places "worse off". That will only increase the pool of unemployed people. On the other hand a lot of people that came here to work for Walmart and its vendors are selling out and going back to where they came from, as that is where the family is.

I am going to keep trying but I am also thinking about if living with someone is the answer...if someone will have me. I have encouraged Woody to clear out the house and rent all but the master bedroom and bath to a family or two singles, he could do that I wouldnt care, if fact that is a good thing, a positive thing. I went on Craigslist to look for housing for myself, and I saw all of these poor people that are desprately looking for a place to live. He could live with some other guys or even a small family. There are two extra bedrooms and a bath. anyway he is thinking about it.

All last week, the readings and message on the Daily Mass and in my devotional were on faith and trusting God. I take time out a few times a day to pray and meditate on the positive...usually I do well untill about 8 pm from then on its difficult for me to focus on the good things and to have hope. I try not to think of the life we have lived and the way the safety net of our lives was erroded by selfishness and foolishness. I try not to dwell on the past and the huge painful hole all of that has left. I try to not be angry...

One lady at church yesterday said she didnt know how I was still standing up...she said shed have given up and just died... a part of me wants to...so much of me already has in this long winter. If I lose Annabelle I dont know what will become of me...


2-24-09 Annabelle was nearly gone from me when we got to Dr. Eric's. After some hydration, warming her up with a heating pad we got her temperature up ... I have her on a pad now and will check on her in the night Woody is coming to stay with her while I go into town in the morning we have to keep praying she is not out of the woods yet
Pray for me...

Labels: Annabelle, Faith, Marriage, Personal Growth, Woody, working

January 29, 2009

The Five Things I Learned From My Dog

Dreamy Eyed Annabelle jan 2009 She is very happy now and is my dearest friend


As I have said many times... Annabelle may go down as having saved my life while in Louisville and I have learned a lot from her about loving and living... Well today on MSN was this great post on how dogs teach us about the best ways to handle relationships... because these post disappere into inernet lala land I am posting the entire article below


Love Lessons from Dogs?

Believe it or not, your pet knows the secrets to achieving a successful relationship. Here are five love lessons that man's best friend can share with you.

By Chelsea Kaplan


Though dogs have been labeled man's best friend, when it comes down to it, Fido is probably more the type of buddy you'd seek out for a game of catch, not love advice. According to Harrison Forbes, professional dog trainer and author of Heart of a Dog: What Challenging Dogs Have Taught Me About Love, Trust and Second Chances, however, you might want to reconsider the notion that your canine knows nothing about matters of the heart. "Dogs do the types of things we should do more often, and the things they don't get involved in — well, we should really skip them, too, if we're looking for love," he asserts. Puzzled by the notion that you may actually be able to get some romance pointers from your Pointer? Read on for five love lessons you can learn from dogs.

1. The reassurance of forgiveness
In order to have a successful partnership, letting bygones be bygones is crucial. An inability to get over issues and move ahead is a key roadblock to happiness. Dogs, Forbes notes, are always in the moment and therefore don't hold grudges or hang onto resentment. "Dogs wipe the slate clean many times a day," he explains. "If you are grumpy and yell at your dog, but then wait a minute and act like you never did, he will forgive you — many times over. If humans could let the little things go as easily as dogs do, their relationships would be better for it."

2. The security of unconditional love
Forbes says that as a rule, when a dog loves his owner, that bond is lasting and real. "It's interesting to note that celebrities are over-the-top pet lovers," he says. "This is because their dogs really love them for who they are, not their A-list status; a dog will always treat you the same. Dogs offer truly substantive relationships in a way most people don't," he notes. When it comes to romantic relationships, humans should strive to emulate a dog's focus on what a person really offers in terms of love, kindness and warmth, he advises.

3. The comfort of consistency
In a romantic relationship, consistency can be quite comforting. What's not to love about a partner who is never moody or capricious? "We as humans understand there are different types of behavior, yet we crave consistency," Forbes says. "With dogs, regardless of your animal's personality, you pretty much get the same behavior unless he's ill. A lot of people take comfort in that aspect of pet ownership, so you can only imagine how much similar behavior could add to a romantic relationship."

4. The need to be playful
Forbes notes that most dogs want to have a good time, keeping things light and not so serious all of the time. "The easiest way to burn out a working dog is to work him all the time — that pretty much goes for relationships as well," he says. In police-dog training, Forbes explains, training is balanced with play and fun. "The harder you go at it in a training phase, the more you have to counterbalance it," he says. "It's the same with a relationship — you have to relieve the pressure through play and good times."

5. The importance of effective communication
While communicating with your partner is important in a relationship, it's not merely the act of communicating that will ensure your relationship's success, but finding the way to do so that best matches your partner's needs. This is a skill that you can easily learn from working with dogs, Forbes says. "The different ways in which I communicate with my three dogs are suited to what works best for them … and for me with them," he explains. You have to be willing to experiment and find the best way to communicate with dogs, and the same goes for your romantic interests, he says: "Just as a hot-tempered dog won't respond to yelling and lots of commands, neither will a hot-tempered person. At the same time, some more sensitive types may need a gentler approach. Essentially, no one person or dog communicates the same way — each individual has a unique style, and taking the time to learn about your partner's needs is the key to a strong bond."


Chelsea Kaplan's blog, "The Momtourage" can be found at www.themomtourage.com.

I really really really want to be this kind of person in every relationship not just a romantic one...but yes should there be another husband in the future I want to have developed a lifestyle that embraces these habits... Perhaps its a dogs life afterall

My sweet doggy Annabelle



I think I will go kiss my little muffin one more time

Labels: Annabelle, Personal Growth, Relationships

January 12, 2009

The Petition

my morning window

post started 1-08-2009

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way (I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go)
take me all the way (through the motions)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions

Matthew West

I heard this song this morning and it really sunk in. I think that the desire to stop "going through the motions" is the main reason why I find myself sitting in my lawyers office preparing a counter petition for my divorce. Woody's lawyer set up the petition in the most general way charging me with cruel indignities ect... Sorry I dont want that to go on the record.. Let the truth be told once and for all. I am living in a unconsumated marriage with a man that has spent ever last cent of his retirement with the feckless abandonment of a boy with his allowence. While we have had many many many great times and perhaps still will in the future, I dont want to live as thought this is "happily ever after". I hope that perhaps if I am found worthy I might yet find love again with someone else, and in the mean time I want to be free to serve God as He will and I cant while being bound to Woody.

It doesnt make it easy. There is a lot of unrest in my heart still. I feel badly that I have left him with the house and the mortgage. I go over there and the empty book cases and the general desolation has got to be depressing. I feel like I have not handled this situation as best as I could...but then, I look at the half empty house and realize that this is how the house of my soul has seemed to feel for years and now as the healing has started, I understand that I must look forward and not spend too much time dwelling on this. God has moved me forward and much of the time I feel simply happy for the first time in a long time.

Woody asked me for money this week. I have enough cash in savings for 90 days or so. Not much really in this economy. My prayer is that I will get a job and I am trying looking every day on the Internet. ( I have submitted my resume over 500 times since I returned to Arkansas in November.) I have done some interviewing as well and feel that now that the holidays are over something will come along. I am not picky, and will do what ever to get started again. I dont feel good about giving him money. He has friends that will help him, he can stay in the house many months if he defaults, and there is the painful past...I have no on to help me. I dont have a mortgage right now but a lease. I can be booted out pretty quickly, not that I think Mr. Herring would do that, but I need to be wise about this

It still twisted my heart. I wondered if I did wrong. Why was I so driven about leaving? I have to say that while I was in Louisville I didnt write on my blog the depth of anger, rage fear and disgust I felt about my relationship. Being removed allowed me to vent a lot of that. Its now burnt itsself out and what is left is a bit of an empty shell. Today...the most painful thing is that Woody, who knew I was feeling at time suicidal and filled with grief over it all never said anything like " I love you why dont you come home and we will work it out..." or "I need you home you are done with Charlie's, " or "Please stay in the house and help me while we both get on our feet..." Frankly I felt like he wanted me out in so many words and that makes this harder for me. Being unwanted is the lifetime grief of my soul. No matter how much stuff I received from Woody, what I wanted was his love and acceptance, and I dont feel that I ever received that. It really hurts and now by filing the petition, perhaps I will find peace in this area of my life...

Every morning, when its a clear day, the sun rises in my bedroom window. It signals a truth that I really processed in Louisville, that God gives us a new day to literally "start over". We get a new chance to renew our life journey. Each day is a precious gift. I try to respect the day, and utilize it as best I can. That doesnt mean I have to accomplish a bunch of things...today I put away a few books, did a few online resumes and made a few calls. I also went out and got my hair cut... a much needed excursion. And there is the daily walk with my Annabelle. I rise early and go to bed at the same time. The ruetine is a comfort and I believe will help me regain my health to what it was before I married Woody... My hair dresser already thinks my hair is growing thicker... I have hair so thin you can see my scalp and I am not a old woman. I just need to not sit around and cry about the past. I did a lot of that in Louisville and now I am done with this grieving.

I have stopped wearing my wedding rings and the beautiful Commitment ring that I had made when I first became a Christian. I cannot bear looking at them even though I love the peices very much. I have been wearing a band that Woody gave me nearly 10 years ago that I thought was too delicate for everyday wear. I learned that the under gallery is very supportive and I can wear the sparkling confection daily as long as I dont do home improvement projects in it. Woody noticed that I was wearing it and it made him smile. I didnt take my ring off to piss him off, just to move forward and he got it.

My home is shaping up the way I hoped it would and its making the feeling of being up to my eyeballs in debt worthwhile. As I unload the boxed of books, hang the drapes and enjoy a very new, contemporary styled "chick pad" I feel like I am making a home. I have decorated my bedroom and bathroom with textiles I bought in Hilo before we left (drapes bedding and shower curtain courtesy of JC Penney "Local Style" section) above the bed I hung the print of Hilo Bay,that I had framed in Louisville. There is a lot of a aloha in there and it feels really good. I also have created flower arragements with a tropical feel that gives the whole place a Kapalua look. It reminds me of a upscale condo on Ka'anapalli Beach. Then you go outside and its Ozark leaves and trees. Its so the way my life is now. The aloha is still here but I am here in the southern plains, and living large at that.

Should this not work out and I am not able to get a job I am not sure what I will do. perhaps look at going back to Louisville. I have contacts there that might be able to help me get started, but that isnt what I want to do just now. things are pretty good here economiclly and I am sure I can get a position doing something. Pray for me if you would that I will find work soon. That will go a long way to help me feel settled. Until that happens I need to trust that God will continue to provide. That is my lesson I am learning right now and my petition to On High.

Labels: Annabelle, Bella Vista, Faith, Hawaii, Louisville, Marriage, Pear Tree Cottage, Woody, working

December 17, 2008

Magnum Opus

The Shopping Diva, Annabelle Christmas pic 2008

Hey, its me Annabelle.... I wanted to tell you that my Mom has a lot of great Christmas stuff that she wrote while she was living in Hawaii. you can read it here at

Christmas 2004

Take a looksee and enjoy Aloha

Labels: Annabelle, Requested Past Posts, Woody

December 12, 2008

Feeling At Home

My little tree, decorated with my fragile ornaments that I haven't been able to use in years.This is a little dark I will try to get a better photo in the am

For the LORD will comfort Zion; he will comfort all her waste places, and will make her wilderness like Eden, her desert like the garden of the LORD; joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the voice of song. Isaiah 51:3

Under my tree I have the little ceramic sign I bought in Hawaii during the dark days...

Be Grateful

Everyday I grow more and more grateful for this little place under the pear trees...I have learned that I have one of retired pastors lives two doors down, and all of the neighbors, well nearly all have come and introduced themselves to me. The brothers that live next door are never home so the time will come when we can introduce ourselves.

I am adjusting to the place un packing, and sorting things out. The last of my furniture will be arriving next week and some of the pieces that I purchased will be going back to the store. I have more than I need as usual. Are we not blessed as a people to be in such a position...I find it amazing

for much of last week I was without a Internet connection but my new set up seems to be working out OK. The cable, at least the video part is more expensive than it was at my old home and I hope to be able to keep it....and everything else going...

Its not looking very good on the job front over the short term. I have been diligently searching but nothing not even an interview yet. I have planted a lot of seeds including applying for a job as a diesel mechanic at a freight company...The GM called me and said he would defiantly pass my resume up the line as "he liked my style" I believe in the spaghetti against the wall approach to finding work ... Throw enough out there and some is bound to stick...

In the mean time I am spending a lot of time working on interior decorating....I am not the best at this... Where are the Top Design guys when you need them? I think I need Tim Gunn to go through my closet I have so many clothes... I need to spend the time to go through them and purge out what I dont wear, or is too big for me now... I don't have as much closet space as I am used to. In fact a startling thing I figured out was that there is no coat closet in this house. Unheard of in this cold weather climate. There is one less bedroom and a lot less closet space overall so I need to pare down...a good thing.

Annabelle has not had an easy time with this transition. She has likely felt very neglected these past few weeks and now she was thrust into yet another different living situation, her third in about 6 weeks. New carpet and other strong smells, new bathroom set up, she has had a number of accidents I think due to not really knowing where to go. The she had her rabies shot, and was quite ill for several days. I was very concerned and worries that she was ill, but she did snap out of it. I kept her eating and drinking which I think was really important. I have gone back to a puppyhood set up of getting her out asap every morning and a long walk to get her emptied out and the same at night and hope that she will grow more accustomed to our surroundings.

As for me sleeping here alone in this house is a touch strange. the house makes a LOT of noise. Its a newer home 10 years old but it creeks and groans like the old house I grew up in. We are on a bit of a busy street and I can hear the cars go by... Nothing like living by the Gene Snyder Freeway in Louisville but it is a bit shocking when a SUV goes revving down the road crashing the predown silence...I will get used to it...

For this being alone is going to become permanant sooner than I expected. Woody went out and sold the Honda Accord we bought 18 months ago and had a loan out in both of our names. Now that loan is paid off and this new car he now has a 2009 Camry, is in his name only with a loan in his name only. I am very glad of this and hope he enjoys the car. He was not as sucessful in efforts to refinance our house. This is going to become an issue I think. But I am trying to not get ahead of God. There is a lot of discussion about "fairness"... which of course is in the eye of the beholder. Woody has also has the home appraised again not with my pre approval but I am ok with this. My lawyer will look over everything. I think that we will be going ahead with a divorce once into the New Year

I am sad but growing more and more comfortable with my life, as I become more involved with work and church and other things that I am interested in this will become a healing. I have many moments of dismay...I find Woody's apathy towards me painful. He hasnt said anything that could remotely be construed as a desire for me to stay in his home and his life as a wife. To be so unwanted is like a knife wound. But that is where we are at. this detachment came over the course of years...it was inevitable.

In the mean time I am trying to settle in an allow myself to become rooted here in this house, to learn to feel at home in a home of my own. To feel safe and secure here and learn once again what it is to feel like a whole person...




My first meal in my home.

Labels: Annabelle, Marriage, Pear Tree Cottage, Woody, working

November 14, 2008

The Gift

my new digs in the Metfield subdivision Bella Vista AR

"When you come to a fork in the road...take it"

Yogi Bera

"Its a very nice house , yes it a bit close to the road and there is some traffic but you are a bit secluded and its been completely redone. It is a few miles from your shop but you will have a nice lender/landlord and that is worth something"

Yes a great landlord is worth something . We have that in the man that manages the property our shop is in...The real estate agent was a great sales lady. A resident of the Village for 30 years she has seen it all. Woody and I walked into her office with our request "do you have properties that are lease to purchase or have owner financing. The answer was a resounding "Yes". she took us to see this charming little house in the Metfield/Witherby subdivision of Bella Vista.

It had been "yes" from a lot of agents. We were amazed at the number of people willing to do an owner finance on properties that they owned because the market is so bad and the stock market crashed leaving many on a fixed income needing a cash stream rather than a lump sum payment that a straight sale would bring.

I looked at big homes and too small homes. Houses in the older areas that were a touch rundown and ones that had been bought to flip and had been totally redone. What has stunned us is that no one wants a credit application or even a drivers licence or SSA number. I could be anyone out to use their property for a drug house or something...

I didn't start this project with the idea that I could buy something outright. I am so over extended on paper right now that a number of my lines of credit that are unused at this time are being closed. My credit score is in decline as a result, and isn't going to get better as I wont use credit just because I want a better score...Usually that doesn't help anyway. I figured that I would rent and maybe I could find something that would be a lease option with part of the payment going towards the down. I had one lined up like this but couldn't get the owner to tell me his terms. I really liked this home too...but it just seemed like pulling teeth to get anything done.

The field kept narrowing. I was able to call the agent on the home owned by our neighbors friend. I loved the this place and it became a spoiler for all that came after it. the man has had it on the market 2 years and owns it outright. Unfortunately for me hes not interested in owner finance,so I gave up on that one. Another agent sent me to see what could have been the house of my dreams...one worth fighting for, but the owner decided he'd take his chances with the market for a straight sale...he'll get his price too on that one...

While these gentlemen werent willing to carry me, a lot of folks are, and one of those is a man who has four properties here that he is selling. He has the deep pockets to finance this himself. He actually lived in this one for a time and has redone it with new carpet and paint inside and out in colors that are good for me. The yard has a few trees and is all gravel no maintenance with a view overlooking a rugged ravine. One neighbor next to me that may be a single man and a dog ( I see a tie out in his grassy yard and we have see him drive up and put his car into a empty 2 car garage...) there is a wooded set of building lots on the other side. The chances of them selling and being built on is highly unlikely for the time being with the economy as it is and the huge inventory of homes in the area for sale cheap.

I also looked at a huge split level town home near the Methodist church I attend. This home was older in a development that is in transition, most of the units are owned by seniors that are selling to move into new situations, like living with children or assisted living. These are big enough to raise kids in so I needed to think about that. I loved the vibe of the place with its view of the tops of the trees and the city... I felt like it was like my apartment in Louisville and was comfortable with the set up.

The deal breaker was the down payment. the Owner would finance but he wanted a large down. and I also figured out that the place was over priced. So I turned it down in favor of the single family house even though it is smaller, and further away to drive to work. The owner of the house, on his own, asked if I would be more comfortable doing a lease purchase that allowed me to move in with no down, just a 500.00 Ernest money check and the first months payment. He would then handle the taxes and insurance and association fees this year while I get my business off the ground...after a night of sleeping on it... not too much sleeping... I signed the contracts the next day. I will get the keys on the 15th...

I am now a home owner in my own right again. This is a gift that I didn't think would come my way so soon and I know that even though this house wasn't my first choice, I should and need to thank God fasting for this incredible deal. It is the right size, with a real garage (not found in most homes here at this price they usually have just a carport, there is even a "black jack" a pop out space for parking a golf cart and your golf gear in the garage that I can use as a exercise area or a workspace ) There are two bedrooms two baths and a bonus room off the living room (commonly known as a Bella Vista room here. Here in Bella Vista due to the poor drainage, the septics cant be big enough for three bedrooms so they build them anyway and don't put a closet in one of them and that room is used as a den or guest room. In the home Woody and I own,we have a "two-bedroom septic" as well. We put a closet into our extra room by placing a door into a walk in closet in the adjacent bedroom so it is now a "jack and jill" closet) this room isn't set up this way. I will likely us that space as a sitting area or TV area. It has a lovely view of the ravine behind the house. Off of this room is a french door to a screened in deck about 15x15. Plenty big for me and I can expand it to have a open deck as there is another 15 feet of wall behind the garage that would support it. I can also enclose it as we have done with our screened room at the old house. I spend most of my time out in this space....in fact I am there now looking out over the forest as I blog.

Annabelle will be happier in her own space. Makoa beat on her last night and while she wasnt hurt something might happen. I need to get out of the warehouse and into a more comfortable space. I have stopped unpacking the louisville cartons and will be taking them over to Metfield...I am going home to the house that God has given me

Labels: Annabelle, Bella Vista, Breaking News, Marriage, Woody