May 10, 2010

All of the News

A Dogwood Cloud Bella Vista AR

Again one thousand pardons for the long silence. My life is full Full Full Full and that is a very good thing. I also chose to take a sort of fast on all things computer including Facebook and blogging, and realize just how much time I have been investing in these past times… I also haven’t been watching as much tv either preferring to read and crochet in my spare time….But… All is well in 100 Acre Wood, and I will try to catch you all up on all of the news…

First I have posted some back posts on my Reception into the Catholic Church. I feel very different. When I think about the emptiness in my heart I try to remember that God not only resides within me spiritually but now physically in the form of the Blessed Sacrament. There are still some very hard times…as you will read but there are so many more good times that I just cant begin to count and I am so very grateful to God for this change in my life. I still have dark moments times when I feel like there is this oppressive darkness overshadowing me. I realize that I have to have time to do the grieving of a lifetime. It just takes time

Just before Easter I had a physical challenge unlike anything I have experienced in my life. As you might remember my teeth are really my great physical weakness. I am always having issues with them and with not having insurance it makes it very difficult to deal with. My dentist has been very kind, often seeing me for no charge or a very reduced fee. Two years ago before I left for Louisville I had a bunch of dental work done, one tooth was decayed up into the roots, the dentist cleaned it out and filled it and all seemed well with it, until it started bothering me around Christmas time. I went to see the dentist and we didn’t see anything.

Well the rotten tooth reared its ugly head and roared! I woke up one morning to the worst pain I have ever felt in my life… a screaming twisting pain that came in waves and left me feeling like I was going to have a heart attack. I got to the dentist that day. By the time I got into the dentist to see him I was swollen up from the top of my scalp clear down my left side of my face to my shoulders. My temperature was 103. The x rays showed the decay was back and that the whole tooth was infected, as was my jaw and all of the glands in the region. I was very very ill,… falling down ill for the first day or so. He prescribed antibiotics and Vicodin for the pain. He wanted me to stay home in bed, However I dragged myself to work every night, dosed myself on heavy drugs and kept on. The Antibiotics did their work and I had the tooth pulled a week later. It couldn’t be done any sooner because disturbing it would have sent infection up into my brain. My brain was already infected and had I had insurance I would have been hospitalized. My head was throbbing constantly and eating was impossible without feeling like I was going to just cave from the pain…

Finally I called in and arranged to have the surgery done. I had been on antibiotics for 5 days and the dentist thought that it would be ok to go ahead and pull it. He numbed me up but it still felt like my face exploded when he pulled it out. After the initial shock of it all, I was amazed at how much relief I felt once the tooth was pulled out, there was copious bleeding, but that let up in a few hours and the swelling and pain subsided right away. After months of discomfort and at times downright misery the relief was a Godsend. Its been good to be able to eat hot and cold things again and my diet is improving now. Cold fruits and salads no longer kill me, and hopefully my weight will start to drop again.

Work has been going very well. I still have a lot to learn but the managers are very kind and they praise me for my diligence and attention… The drivers love me and call in sometimes just to talk. I feel for these men and women. They are the backbone of this country and the most forgotten necessary workers we have in our economy. Like our soldiers, they are away from home for long periods of time. They are lonely sad and tired. Many have chosen this life as a last resort. I know two men who came to this occupation from homelessness. The truck provided work and a place to sleep at night. My heart goes out to them, when they say how they need to get home…their wives and children need to see them. I agree, but this is a trucker’s lot. I treat them like the soldiers that they are. I remind them that they chose this life and I try to find out where they are from. And quickly look up the unemployment figures for their town. Of ten just the reminder of the horrible job market where they came from is enough to get them to count their blessings and go forward. It certainly is enough for me, this small daily reminder. I count my blessings every day thanking God and my employer for my job.


I have finalized a lot of things. I had my court appearance for my Bankruptcy and it was approved. The Trustee had a few questions about my business and my timeshares in Florida that I am giving back to the Owners Association. All was well and he was satisfied with the presentation. I still have to take the on line finance course and it will discharge in July. It’s a relief to have this off of my back.

With my confirmation I am looking for ways to integrate with my new church. I go to Mass on Saturday evenings, and on Sunday mornings if I work the day before…My Saturday shift is once every four weeks and is grueling, so often I don’t even get up to get to Mass. Its excused as often I am so weary I am wobbling from fatigue. I keep the Sabbath and stay home with Abigail. Monsignor Scott is very supportive and is just glad that I seem to be so happy about my decision and I am.

He has a project that he wants me to work on and that is to prepare to tell my conversion story to the next RCIA class. Because they meet at night and I work at night we have thought about doing this by video recording in the talk show news magazine style a la The Journey Home, a show that runs on EWTN weekly that tells conversion stories with a call in question and answer format. We wont have an audience but I can trust that Msgr will have some good questions. I don’t know when I will do this but I thought that I would start working on the scripting as I can

I have also injected a creative venue into my life that is very new and a great opportunity. I have wanted to learn to crochet. I have wanted to do this for a long time, but never really just taken the plunge and tried it. So in January I bought some yarn and a book and gave it a whirl. Not so hot… Well on my way to the lawyers office I saw this place called the Crafty Cottage. They offer all sorts of crafts, knitting, crocheting, leather and pottery work, sewing and quilting. I called and got set up with a private instructor, a wonderful young mother named Tammy, who is patient and sweet and great at showing me the basics and allowing me the chance to make mistakes and learn. Its taking me time to learn. I missed a few weeks and found that I had forgotten much of what I had learned. She said “never mind!” and we started up again. Its my hope that we will get to a place where I can follow a pattern and make things for the holidays. I started by making a not quite round bright yellow ball for Abi which she loves… she also loves the balls of yarn and enjoys watching me crochet and wants to “help”. She really likes to sneek into my bag and fish out the spare balls of practice yarn and run about with them . This studio has all sorts of opportunities for me to try new things and I intend to take advantage as I have time.

Speaking of Abigail she has had some changes too. She was having lots of issues with her skin and coat, her pretty hair matting into a tease that my big hair girl friends would envy. She looked fat from the knots, and was becoming afraid of me, because when I would pet her I would try to pick at least one knot out. I was brushing, trimming, spraying no tangle stuff on her to no avail. Finally I had her shaved…to the skin. Just her pretty tail and top knot are left….Once she was freed from the mass of hair she was…tiny…maybe even underweight, and she became an even more outgoing, cuddly, loving dog. Everyone around me has noticed the change in her. She enjoys her walks more and I think is not so hot from trapped body heat. Its been almost 6 weeks since her “makeover” and the new growth is curly so she looks and feels like a little lamb, very soft and sweet…I will let the fur grow longer in the winter but I will likely not keep her in full coat again. Its just so time consuming to keep her grooming up that way and my little “wash and wear” doggie is a delight. I no longer worry if she wants to get in the mud, or if its wet out we just go walking and we go further and have more fun. If shes too dirty I take her in the shower with me once we get home from our walking trip…easy… She seems pleased with the change, though I got the distinct impression that she felt “nekked” for the first few days.

The beauty of this spring time has made my evening drives to work pleasant. Flowers and flowering trees are blooming everywhere. I have gotten the urge to plant things and have a few flower pots in my front yard. My drives to work and church are lovely pastoral journeys, that make me calm and only add to the feeling that life is very good. I have repaired my van, and when I have the time later on this summer, I hope to take road trips around the area and see things that I haven’t seen yet…

There is a fullness, a contentedness that I have not had before and I love this time I have for myself It is bliss and I am so happy about it .

Was it worth the long wait as I was job hunting?…yes. Like my pastor friend said “ When God closes one door He opens another…its just hell in the hallway…” and yes it was…But the worse days are behind me, the gentle successes is easing the lines off of my face and the soreness out of my heart. Life is good, very good at Peartree Cottage. Thank you for your prayers… they have been answered

Labels: Abigail, Bella Vista, working

February 14, 2010

Happy Birthday, My Abigail Valentine

My Little One, Abigail on the day of our meeting, at 10 weeks old

I was in grief, really not ready for another dog in my life, even though I put on a brave face. This little girl saw though my facade, snuggled up against my leg and with her adoring eyes said, "Pick Me! Pick Me!" I tried to resist but I could not...

My dreamy eyed girl sitting in her window seat

As she has grown up she has not been the timid clinging vine her sister Annabelle of blessed memory was,fearful of my every upset, but a wiser companion who lets me cry when I need to, who just sits and is present in my pain. A constant friend and protector. She is willful and demanding, but then she is her own person as much as a doggie can be...However, every day is a new day and she loves me with a constant unconditional love that just amazes me.

Abigail at one year

She has been a blessing from the moment she entered this house. Thank you God for Your Beloved...which is what Abigail means, and everytime I say her name it reminds me of Your great promise, that I am Your Beloved and You will never leave us alone. Happy Birthday my Abigail May God give us many more happy years

Aint She Sweet Glamour shot at 8 months

Labels: Abigail

December 23, 2009

The Little Christmas Miracle

My Christmas Tree and re arranged living room

I was actually looking forward to Christmas this year so it was with much cheerfulness and expectation that I went to the garage and pulled out my boxes of stuff. I have in this past years sorted out and sold much of my decorative stuff, so I would have less to haul around and store should I have to move...but the boxes I have left were not touched...I know intimately what is in those boxes, the treasure of Christmas past's... every ornament has a story..

Abigail on watch looking out the front window trying to not be distracted by the twinkling lights on the tree

Every year I buy at least on new ornament, sometimes two, for example, hanging down is the trefoil of Louisville, long and slim, never to be confused with the wider one that graces the arms of New Orleans or the short wide one that symbolizes
St. Louis...or the shell, shiny with glitter that my Mom gave me as a memento of our Christmas on Kauaii, our last Christmas together.This years, the cross on the ribbon, I gave a matching one to my RCIA sponsor

While in Louisville I visited a cute little shop that sold the European style Christmas ornaments I saw cute little dogs and decided I wanted one that looked like Annabelle a black and white shih tzu... I looked high and low, but I I found was this curious looking multicolored one with a blue bow...

It didnt look like Annabelle, I I bought a Maltese that looked a lot more like her...but I couldnt leave the little golden doggie behind so I bought it as well. It had a cute little box and it went into the carton once I got home from Louisville.. I didnt hang it on last years tree...

My little Christmas Miracle

Well we know what happened Annabelle went to wait for me at the Rainbow bridge, I was adopted by the cutest little De Colores doggie peaches and cream, Miss Abigail Valentine came into my life...She has enriched and exasperated me and filled my life with laughter... I cant imagine my life without her

I had forgotten the little glass ornament, in its transparent box, untill I went to put my tree up and saw..Abigails little face looking up at me from deep in the recesses of the storage carton...I have wondered all along... "Why God," "Why am in this mess, Why must my life be so hard?" "Do You have a plan, or am just subject to everyone elses whims?" "Does my life have meaning...or am I just taking up space here?" "Does God really care..."

He cares enough to compel me to take a seemingly unnessary object to a cash register then save it until... He cared enough to cause Abigail to attach herself to me at a time when I needed unconditional love. He gave me a job when I was at the end of my rope. I need to start really trusting in this God that reached down and used this tiny thing to show me His previenent care

Sometimes you need a tiny miracle to renew your faith

Dont worry Mom... God's got it all figured out...My dark beauty ms. Abigail

Labels: Abigail, Annabelle, Faith, Louisville

August 18, 2009

Critical Data For Better Decisions

A New Trail.. The new walking trailhead at the Little Golden Gate Bridge, Bever AR

Today I will do something that is good for me, even if it feels uncomfortable...Self discipline is self caring... M. Scott Peck

Today's title came form a on line logistics publication I read...I thought it summed up what I lacked yesterday when I wrote my last post.

Well, I went into work today, The sunrise was gorgeous. I have missed this part of NW Arkansas, the beautiful sunrises and sunset. Working night shift meant being in a building before sunset and asleep at dawn... It was very early, but I have been rising at five or earlier for much if the time I have been back from Louisville. Abi , seeming to know this was a big day, woke me at 430 am wrapping her tiny front legs around my face and gently kissing me with tiny licks.So adorable. I repositioned her for a gentle belly rub as I prayed against the fear in my guts...

I was afraid. Afraid of the transition. Afraid to believe that this really is finally going to happen. And afraid that I would fail... The doubts are real. The awareness that I am making an investment that may not pay off for a long time. I dont know how I will make it financially, but I will trust that the Jesus that multiplied a small boys lunch into food for 20,000 people, can make a miracle in my financial life.

I was placed into the hands of a delightful gal, for training. It is her opinion after the first day that I am destined for bigger things than the job that I would be starting at and not to worry. The firm is a growing concern. I knew that, its one of the reasons I worked for free that day, just to get into the door. I can only pray that I impress them and that they want to keep me on there.

I figured out the amount that I will need to make to qualify for an apartment in the complex nearby that I was wanting to move into. When the time comes that is what I will ask for and tell them why. Its a reasonable amount for my expertise and skill level. This moving would be an advantage to them because it would be a 5 minute drive to work. It is good for me because I would be close to the local Mall/Shopping Area, and 15 minutes to Fayetteville, the University and the social life there that is missing for me up here in Bella Vista. But the 60 mile round trip is easy highway driving, and walking Abi this afternoon after a summer shower, the forest here was so beautiful.. Will be hard to choose... Frankly I may not get to choose, Mr House Owner may put the place back on the market and it will be sold out from under me, I wouldn't blame him. The market is heating up. I just need to be ready to make a change and not fuss too much about it. I have enjoyed living here and it has been a good place for me to be. But I will lose a lot if I leave here and if I move it should be closer to my work so I can be more centered in the community. I think commuter culture is one of the reasons we all dont know anyone, not even our neighbors. I would certainly miss people at my church and the ladies I am getting to know at my Al Anon meetings, but I would plug into a younger more diverse church, and there are meetings daily in and around the area

I found the people very friendly, the work is exacting but I sense a real team mentality not like thisplace where you were expected to do what was on your list and no one pitched in to help you and woe to you if you screw up. It is ultra casual jeans and tee shirts mode. I can wear jeans every day, that is helpful as I bought more casual clothing, expecting to be in a workshop environment at this point. I heard over and over how glad people were to be there. I didn't sense the stress and upset I have seen in transportation firms before. This could truly be a great experience. I need to relax let go and let God direct this.

Please pray for us. Abi had a lovely time with her doggy sitter Diane. I know she will miss her next week, but Auntie Barbara across the street may come in if she is here. Her daughter is struggling with cancer and is not doing well and so there may be other priorities for her in these coming days. I have left her before for a whole day and her crate is very large. She is well and shows no sign of her illness last week.

Thank you for praying and for your encouragement. We are not out of the woods yet but I feel like there was a light shown at the end of this long dark tunnel. Im walking forward, armed with the most critical of information. That God is with us and His love never fails

Labels: Abigail, Bella Vista, Faith, Friends, Scenic Arkansas, working

August 17, 2009

Faithful In Small Things

Summer Barn, Garfield AR

Naaman, commander of the army of the king of Syria, was a great man with his master and in high favor, because by him the Lord had given victory to Syria. He was a mighty man of valor, but he was a leper.Now the Syrians on one of their raids had carried off a little girl from the land of Israel, and she worked in the service of Naaman's wife.She said to her mistress, “Would that my lord were with the prophet who is in Samaria! He would cure him of his leprosy.”So Naaman went in and told his lord, “Thus and so spoke the girl from the land of Israel.”And the king of Syria said, “Go now, and I will send a letter to the king of Israel.”

So he went, taking with him ten talents of silver, six thousand shekels of gold, and ten changes of clothes.And he brought the letter to the king of Israel, which read, “When this letter reaches you, know that I have sent to you Naaman my servant, that you may cure him of his leprosy.”And when the king of Israel read the letter, he tore his clothes and said, “Am I God, to kill and to make alive, that this man sends word to me to cure a man of his leprosy? Only consider, and see how he is seeking a quarrel with me.”

8But when Elisha the man of God heard that the king of Israel had torn his clothes, he sent to the king, saying, “Why have you torn your clothes? Let him come now to me, that he may know that there is a prophet in Israel.”So Naaman came with his horses and chariots and stood at the door of Elisha's house.And Elisha sent a messenger to him, saying, “Go and wash in the Jordan seven times, and your flesh shall be restored, and you shall be clean.”But Naaman was angry and went away, saying, “Behold, I thought that he would surely come out to me and stand and call upon the name of the Lord his God, and wave his hand over the place and cure the leper.Are not Abana and Pharpar, the rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? Could I not wash in them and be clean?” So he turned and went away in a rage.But his servants came near and said to him, “My father, it is a great word the prophet has spoken to you; will you not do it? Has he actually said to you, ‘Wash, and be clean’?So he went down and dipped himself seven times in the Jordan, according to the word of the man of God, and his flesh was restored like the flesh of a little child, and he was clean.

Hoku:Dont you think this is wrong? When I went and worked that day for free we talked about this. You said that my doing that would not reflect in the compensation that I would receive should they hire me. Now They want me to come, work a 3 12 hour day 6 to 6 and ever other Saturday, possibly overnights which we NEVER discussed and they only want to pay 8.00 per hour, with no shift differential? I made twice this on my last freight job and worked a regular day...They pay better at Mc Donalds....

Temp lady: This is a Fortune 500 firm Forbes says they have the best benefits and promote from within. They will raise you to 10.00 after 90 days and give 5 percent raises...

Hoku: I have to drive 40 miles each way, and you cant eat benefits. I know these people and am very disappointed with them and with you. You are taking advantage of my situation, how desperate I am, and frankly Im shocked...

Temp Lady: But you will go?

Hoku: Do I have a choice?

I dont have much choice. I need some money, soon. I am out of savings and dont have anything left. Abi got sick this week after surgery and my cash for the lights and phone went to the vet. Do I regret that or her no way. I love her and was so frightened that I was going to lose her like my Annabelle that I would have moved heaven and earth to help her. I wont be able to access any services to help me financially due to the times I need to be at this job. I will continue to look and will take interviews and even long term temp work closer to home.

It was a rollercoaster week last week. Once I got home I went right to interviewing. I have signed with a insurance company to sell employer benefits. I also went to meet with a firm that was from a contact by our pastors new husband. They are 60 miles away below U of A in Fayetteville, so I would try to make arrangements to move asap should I get that job...but...the owner of this homspun trucking company is trying to get his debt refinanced and should he not be able to he will be closing his doors. I think that is a dead end as well.

I am thinking seriously about what I should do. I paid my rent this month and will be unable to do that again, until I get caught up. I need cheaper digs but cant move till I have a job. Next month I have two months lights and phone. I am taking the cable box back, and Abi and I are going to eat the cabinets bare before we go to the store again. They are pretty bare now.

The Insurance guy said that you work leads filing yur imaginary bucket... You have to call so many leads till the bucket is full. The spill over is sucess... in whatever you are doing. I feel like I have done that with job hunting. The bucket is spilling over I just need to keep on until something more beneficial spills into my lap. I have invested so much time and effort in seeking work, that there must be some payoff sometime. People are calling me for temp work...people are praying for an end to my personal nightmare. But I know that a lot of other people are suffering as well.

I am retooling my resume for another head hunter with ideas and I will be going to this job and doing my best to be the best employee they have got. I want to be faithful in the small things. Perhaps there is a payoff in the end

Labels: Abigail, Personal Growth, working

August 04, 2009

The Way of Aloha

Beautiful Hanuma Bay Oahu Hawaii

Go very slowly, very quietly, from one duty to the next, taking time to rest and pray between. Do not be too busy. Take everything in order. Venture often into the rest of God and you will find peace From 24 Hours A Day by Richmond Walker
with a hattip to Scott at Attitude of Gratitude

I saw this on Scotts blog, which I have been reading. This man has worked his program and I have admired that for a long time. As I enter my second week of solitude.. True solitude because while I have my friends at church and I love them, and I know that they care for me, I dont feel that there is an anchor for me to hold me to anything, wither it be person place or institution. However, I love this area and I am hopeful that a job will come through soon

I am really trying to go slowly, not get to far ahead of myself, not dwell on the past, and not worry that perhaps I will run out of money, get kicked out of this house before I am ready to leave, or that I will finally give up like so many people have done in this town Sam Walton built.

I have spoken to Woody, he is contentedly parked at his boyhood friend's spare room, tending Jim's dog, while Jim and his nephew are in Stockholm, where the Jim's elder brother and father of the nephew is spending his second year in diplomatic service there. Woody got a new phone number, which frees me to change my phone number and plan. I am looking to reduce my overhead and if I dont get a job I will have to stop all payments to anyone, eating and a/c, gas and Internet are my core needs. I dont think I will be thrown out of my house tomorrow.

I have had great interviews this past week, but I saw at several of the places the dozen or so other people interviewing for the same twelve dollar and hour job. That is what is so difficult I think, but I keep plugging.

I worked a tough job for minimum wage last week. Its something Ive done before, but every time I do it they agency pays less and less... Call Walmart stores to see if they have received promotional shipments and what did they do with them. The agency called 30 people to get the three they got to work this for 7.25 per hour. The finalist were a lady so disabled she could barely walk into the building., a young man who lost his first job 6 months ago and his parents felt he wasnt doing enough to find work so they threw him out and he now sleeps in his car... and myself. I found myself consoling him that I understood his pain, as Dawn, the disabled lady consoled me with a little Bible study and prayers from her church in the Missouri countryside.

I have been attending an Al Anon meeting and reading literature. I see the point, and how I really am in need of this help. I am hopeful that I will make new friends and learn more and more ways of making change within myself. How I would have been so much better if I had gotten this kind of help sooner...or even understood tha this is what I needed.... I know that I have a lot of culpability in how things went down, that while Woody was certainly the problem, I wasnt helping him and especially myself living like a madwoman... and that my life emotionally has been totally unmanageable.

There have been some challenges, some misunderstandings, and moments where I had to make a decision that others might think crazy but I know are the right thing. For example the insurance company issued a check for 900.00 for some damage the was repaired. My name was on the check, and yes the money would have really helped. I feel that Woody should have reembursed me for the money taken by the bank in the spring, but he feels that he was entitled to everything from the sale of the house and all of this money as well. I could be begging on the street and he feels that is justice for all I have taken from him. I signed the check over and deposited into his personal account with friends at the bank saying that it was not right....I can only trust that God will provide for me everytihing that I need.

Case in point, last week I got an invitation to come to Little Portiion Retreat Center for a week of discernment, and to spend some time with John Michael Talbot in retreat. They are comping me the room, and my vet is comping me boarding for Abi... I am having her spayed while I am gone, so I wont have to worry about her going into heat when I am not able to deal with that.I received a half price coupon for the NWA Animal Rescue people. I know her breeder feels she should be a year old, but I see that all of her teeth are coming in she is old enough now. I am so greatful for this time away. My "people" are working on jobs for the following week and I will have internet acess for email checking while I am there. I have planned to clear my mind and not think about Woody or Mr. Wonderful during the time there..

My counselor has really gotten on me about my about this emotional affair and thinks that much of my deep depression is due to that and to my missing him. She is likely right. He haunts me and at times I feel rediculous and at other times I really want to just die for the wanting of him. Its becuse I put off this grieving over it and I need to just settle down and do it... So I am praying for a release from that bondage freeing both him and I for a new phase in our lives. Its a process. She feels this is actually more binding than my marriage to Woody, that I am more emotionally tied to this person. I am facinated by this whole thing and horrified at the same time... So I am praying and going to try to clear my mind... I am thankful that Abi makes me get out of bed in the morning...

Speaking of Abi...

I think she is getting to be a very pretty girl. I find that I dont take as many pictures of her because she never stops moving! so few of the ones I take come out clear... Monings are our favorite time, she has come to love sleeping with me and is so cuddly sweet in the morning I dont want to get up and start the day!

My life is more and more becomming a venture of living a life of Aloha. I am more and more trying to live one day at a time one hour at a time.. The life of Aloha...It is a process and a culture I want to develope within myself... it is my goal

Labels: AA, Abigail, Hawaii, Little Portion, Relationships, Woody, working

July 13, 2009

The Sundering

The Hale Pau'ana Huakai...The House At the End Of The Long Journey...certainly the place where the journey ended for Woody and I.

Neither of you can return to the house...by the time we are done with the sale no beds or furniture will be left it will all be sold to the bare walls.Both of your items are laid out side by side... It would not be fair to either of you if you came in when we arent here... The lady running our eastate sale pronounced to me...

The house is sold, the insurance company is paying to put a new roof on, and the neighbors have pitched in to help Woody clear away the accumulated grime of the neglect of months...I tried to start on it myself, and found that my grief, my disappointment and frankly overflowing anger and hurt did not allow me to do much... Woody parked on his ass watching golf while I tried to vacum with a wand that was only three feet long... I think he wanted to see me struggle with that so I would be stooped over in a groveling position. We ended up shouting and I heard for the upteenth time that I only am to him the sum of our accumulated wealth...which he has squandered and blames me for the situation we find ourselves in, he had only to look around at our treasures amidsts the filth... the gold amidst the trash... Our dream home, our dream life in ruins, It was never real because you only have life if you make it...living on the largesse of others is not living... You never go anywhere if you dont work for it. It was a life... but I was the only one driving it, and without the help of a partner wanting to go in the same direction, it was bound to crash.

Aloha my Popoki Makoa and KaNani...

If there are two creatures that have suffered through the desperation of our separation and divorce its Mak and Nani. I saw them a few days ago and they were in terrible shape. Overweight, matted and claws so overgrown that they are having surgery in the coming days to fix their feet and relieve the pain. Their new caregiver is their vet, who is going to try to find a good home for them... why dont I take them...because I may very well need to move soon and that could mean couch surfing, living in a small apartment, or living at a friends home. Abigail has a home with her breeder as long as I need to leave her there... Mak and Nani have been astranged from me since 2007 when I broke my foot. They became afraid of me then I worked nights and went to Louisville. They have forgotten I am their mom...the one that took them out of the cardboard box in the Hilo Famer's market, fretted over them and cried for them as we flew from Honolulu to Houston. Now they hiss when I try to go near them, and their mats are so deep that their skin is sore, so petting is unpleasent and hurts them. I know that things will be better for them any place but where they were

I didnt see them off today, as I was working... but I trust that Woody loves them and will do whats right for them...Its all I can do.

My Chinese desk symbolic of my business and my time in Hawaii

I took my things, including this fragile desk and related peices to the estate liquidators who salivated over it. I believe over half of the stuff that I brought here to Peartree was returned to the house for the sale. I filled the space in the house with something else, and its ok. The extra space is good... the money will be good and the letting go of something that will not make another journey intact... very good. My style has changed. My life has changed. A sleeker, more streamlined look, easier to clean and manage is more appropriate for me. The fabrics,patterns, books of my former domestic life, where I danced, made costumes and all of my own clothing has come to an end for now. It needs to be sold while it still has value, and here in quilting sewing heaven it does! All of the equipment I purchased for my aborted business is being looked at by jewelry pros in the area that are game to try at what I have no nerve to do now. I am letting go of that dream so I can change my life for the better. I have a plan now and if I can get a job soon I will be ok... selling this stuff will buy me time to get under way.

I am also letting go... so what is left of ME will stay intact. Woody is an alcoholic he confrims it by his loud denials and running around the neighborhood finding out if I have "talked" behind his back. I know that he is moving on, headed to a couch, and a job in California and that this is God's plan for me. I wish it could be on good terms.

But I fear that this will not be the case. I have yet to meet a drunk that refused help and still cared about his/her confrontor. Either your beloved drunk gets help, or you need to get going. My mother stayed for 30 years with my Dad. She had her reasons, but I am not going to do that and didnt do that. I also dont have to stay defeated either. Yes, I am going to my first meeting tomorrow night, and yes I am going to get well, whatever that means. If it means sleeping on a friends couch for a bit OK. It may mean 30 days at NW Arkansas Womens Shelter, that could be a good experience... If it means moving 1000 miles south I will do that. If it means uncertainty while I wait on God, and learn the true meaning of faith, I am committed to doing that.

I felt torn asunder this past weekend...I think today...thats a good thing. Its a finality that needed to happen. The Sundering, all of us going our separate ways frees me for what God has for me next. Abi and I are waiting, praying and hoping...

The New Journey is just beginning....

Woody in our backyard with my beloved Annabelle when she was three months old two years ago August 2007

Labels: AA, Abigail, Annabelle, Bella Vista, California, Faith, Hawaii, Marriage, Personal Growth, Woody

June 05, 2009

Living in Fourth Day

Spring Rainbow Centerton AR

The message of the First Day on The Walk to Emmaus was the Grace of God, each Talk, while focusing on different themes, helped you understand how God's Grace works and how you could be a more fruitful person by opening yourself up to God's grace.

The Second Day is is often called the Jesus Day. Jesus is presented as a model for your life and living, through the various talks and acts of Agape. You are invited at that point to make a deeper commitment to Him.

The Third Day or the Sending Forth Day You are challenged to adopt the the vocation as a Christian, to be Christ in the World, through the adoption of various practices disciplines and commitments to a life of piety and devotion, persevering in that life until we are united with Him eternally.

Until then, we live in Fourth Day... It is the journey of faith that continues the rest of one's life. It is the living out of what it means to be a disciple and follower of Jesus. It is about being real, being accountable and being willing to trust Him in all things...

Drawn from the book "Day Four... The Pilgrim's Continued Journey", by Robert Wood Chapter four "The Message of Emmaus"...

Pastor David..."So Hoku, where are you living now?"
Hokulea... "I'm living in Fourthday..."
Pastor David..."Thats a great answer..." he gave me a weak, weary smile, turned and walked away to his vacated office...

I am being called brave, courageous, a living saint even... I kid you not, but really all I am is a very frightened woman, who has been in some very bad spots at times in her life, but the one she is in now is pretty darn bad. But the truth is, I cant stay long faced for too long, it causes me to get wrinkles that are un needed and unwanted.... Staying down leads to a negative energy that will ruin any chance that I have to turn my life around. Even though things are as bad as I have ever had in my life... I need to smile and be glad for what I do have.

I have my health. People say I never looked better. I have my sobriety. I dont talk much about it because I was never a true alchoholic or addict, but rather I made a chioce that these things were not for me and I choose daily to live, feel and experience pain rather than numb it with addiction... I have a great home that I really want to hang onto. I have my Abigail... the cutest little mutt-let a gal could ever want. I have a good vehicle, skills in demand. I have opportunities I can at least apply for. I had lady call me to help her and is paying me by the hour, another gal got wind of a part time job that while doesnt pay much, exposes me to the sorts of people that may have a need for a person on their staff. Agencies are aware of the need to get me something and resumes are out there... I have a huge number... hundreds of people praying for me, and dozens of people who have committed to being there for me. I am obligated to call anyone of them if I feel too overwhelmed...and yes it it pretty overwhelming at times...

I know that if I dont get work soon I must make some very hard choices, some that might be pretty disagreeable, but I need to do it. I am holding out hope that I will get some work and that I will get to stay on here. In the mean time I am cleaning out, throwing out and selling items Im not using....Im getting ready for a move...and if I dont need to move, my load is lighter and my purse is fuller.

Should I get work it will postpone moving, but not take it off of the table until I feel secure in that position. This could be a while considering how things are in this world. I may need to move into a cheaper abode no matter what.

But until I know anything I will try my best to stay in Fourth day. That means not being overly concerned about the future... Plan yes but dont obsess...cry yes but get up and do something. Tell people what your needs are so they can gain the blessing of helping you, but tell Jesus as well... Prayer, the Word and worship... I sing all of the time, pray all of the time, and want to put God in charge of everything that I do...

When its all said and done... Wither I look back on this while living in NW Arkansas Texas or wherever, I will praise God for bringing me through... In my house, or living in a new place, living with friends or my family... I know that God is with me and has not left me. I write this to remind myself of this true thing. Yes there will be down days, days that feel hopeless, depressing days... But there are also ecstatic days, days full of promise and days filled with hope... I laugh a lot, hug the puppy and hope that the next phone call will be the one I have been waiting for...

Keep praying people... something is about to happen I just feel it...

De Colores!

Labels: Abigail, Dreams, Emmaus, Faith, working

May 28, 2009

In The Midst of Maybe

Misty Summer Morning near Vaugan AR

Bank Vice President..."Hoku, Im sorry but the fine print in the loan allows us to do what we have to to recover any past due payments, we took what we needed to satisfy the terms of the agreement..."

And with that my future here in Northwest Arkansas has been fast tracked... I heard these words and the amount of money that they took, and realized that I was on borrowed time. I need a miracle, a job and soon. That is a tall order when the official unemployment is 6.5 but really it is thought to be as high at 9.5% because of all of the contracted Walmart labor that has no work and is scratching like everyone else...

It was 5 pm, too late for me to do anything last night. I freaked out went into shock really, sort of like when I realized that my business wasn't going to happen and all of the money sweat and effort that went into that venture out the door. Panic attacks... I went to see Woody and while he was not sympathetic...he wanted half of my savings all along, but still in all he was supportive of my pain, which is serious

I went on to Accountability group where I laid out my problem before the others, it dampened the discussion. I was prayed for and encouraged, but like so often in my life, no one knows quite what to do with Me appreciated all of the praying and words of support...but there is nothing really practical that can be said. I am a month away from homelessness and this gets to people but they aren't sure how to help you.

If I only had a job...any job... I apply and apply and nothing. No call backs, nothing. I feel useless and worthless like all that I have done over the years counts for nothing...

I got home from church and I called everyone, I called my therapist, my friends and emailed my cousin in Houston and my Aunt in Austin. People called me...my Pastor's wife and friend..another friend and Woody who realized that he missed the mark when talking to me and tried to console me...

My therapist called me with some leads one of which was a place called Samaritan House a ministry of Fellowship Bible Church one of the areas largest churches. I called just to see what assistance they might have that would help me. I spoke to a case worker that wanted me to come in and have a meal and talk to someone. So I did.

It was food pantry day and people came in to get food. I told the lady "encourager" that food want really what I needed but she asked me to take it anyway as "this is what they did" so I said yes to that. I was surprised later and the quality of the product I received including hygiene products dish soap and paper goods... they even put in something for Abigail. Since I didn't need the shampoo soaps and ladies supplies, I put them out for the food drive today that a local group was collecting for, and added a few things from my own cabinets since I was so enriched by my visit.

But what I really needed I didn't get which is work. Several people took my card took down what I did and that I needed some work now. I also had a chance to talk to a LCSW about my situation.. her comment was that I had all four of life's most difficult challenges on my plate at that moment, ( They are loss of spouse, loss of home, loss of employment, and loss through death...my Aunt Jean passed away this week I was notified just as I pulled into Samaritan House's driveway)...You should only deal with these issues one at a time one a year for the sake of your health. I have been in suffering and grief for so long that my soul is dried up and damaged I am hurting my health, and hurting those around me. I feel doubld over in emotional and sometimes physical pain. My "bleating" is getting annoying to some, and others, especially those in the workplace who feel guilty or shall I say superior to those of us less fortunate...not realizing that they too can suffer the same fate. Lose you job, burn up your savings and find your self sleeping on cardboard. Lots of that in places like Sacramento, Elkhart and sadly my fair Louisville, where unemployment is not going to improve until they get the Ford plant up and running. I am glad that I am here.

I ate the hot meal and talked at length with the volunteer that sat with me. It was left overs from our local Red Lobster... a really fine meal actually, I enjoyed mine heartily. I have never eaten on a soup line before. It was a strange moment. I was dressed for job hunting and the others being served there would stop and sort of stare at me a moment and then ignore me. I looked very out of place. I realized that this was the reverse of how I reacted years ago to those on the lines of our giant food ministry at Hosanna Calvary Chapel. I wondered how all of those people didnt manange when some how I did...That may be the lesson I am needing to learn right now. That its not always within your control to manage your circumstances. Only God can judge that... I gave thanks for the food and resolved to, as a penetential act for my pride and willfullness, to eat there insted of fast food meals on job hunting days when they are open. It is a wiser use of my funds and the fellowship is something that I need just now. Maybe I can overcome my fears by associating with other overcommers, like the single mom that was at the table next to me... or the seinor couple that lives in their car because they are not quite old enough for Social Security. I saw my mother struggle, and deplored her begging for help... now the shoe is on the other foot and I think this is very good for me to consider...

I felt love all the way throught the process. I spoke to the head of the Counseling division who felt it was a shame I wasnt working took my resume and said hed work on finding me a place even if it was part time. There are other housing arrangements being discussed as of this writing. I am trying to stay in Fourth Day, do not anticipate tomorrow, because it is not here yet...

And so I sit "in the midst of maybe" not sure exactly what to do next, other than pray, wait, and start to let go of things places and people that are precious to me as another big change may be comming my way. Most of all I need to continue in my quest of learing to trust in a loving God that knows what is going to happen to us and lets nothing happen that is not for our good... I can depend on that...

Labels: Abigail, Faith, Friends, Personal Growth, working

May 21, 2009

Dont Look Now....

Abigail Valentine in her play pen


Guess who's just arrived!

Actually she will have been here a week or so. Abigail is doing famously well. First, she is a beauty. She is not still long enough for me to get a good picture of her and she needs a groom so she wont look so much like a muskrat.

While she is Annabelle's full sister, and is as sweet natured as her sister was, Abi is just "more" of what Bella was... I sense a great soul in this dog. She is easy to love and easy to do for... I somewhat resented the 3 am potty break the other Abigail needed. Abi is so good that if she cries at night persistantly... she needs to go, and will go right away when we go out. Then we get right back into our respective beds and that is it... She is very good about not crying when she is crated... This little girl will sleep thought the night most nights and has had zero...count em, zero accidents. Pretty amazing when you consider that she is three months old and this is her first week here. Yes I have been home to see that she gets out every few hours, but the difference between her and the first Abigail is like night and day. Hats off to Pam and her training methods people cant hardly believe it when I tell them...

I also believe that God had a plan. This little girl was waiting for me. All I needed to do was to wait for God to get her ready. She is going to be fine even if I start work next week...she could probably do a whole day in her crate just like Annabelle did and not be bothered too much. I wil admit she does seem to have a touch of a separation issue, she cries and runs about looking for me like a small child that has wandered off in the department store looking for her Mom. She finds me and flings herself up in a sort of reckless abandon... I always cuddle her and tell her how much I love her...

Because I do.

How easy it seems to be for me to give my heart away these days... It seems like the only thing that I have left to give...

Labels: Abigail

May 05, 2009

My Lil' Valentine

My Little Valentine
Known as Susi in the kennel, born on Valentine's Day. I am going to reuse the name Abigail...She seemed to like it! She is a full sister to my Annabelle. Interesting how different she looks, but I see the same eyes, and tiny turned up nose, the crooked little smile...

I drove out in the pouring rain to meet this little girl. She and her sister as well as her two brothers were available to view, and I thought that I was up to sitting with the puppies and seeing how things went. Some grieving puppy parents come out two and three times before they settle on a new friend...

I am learning that this process is a process. Abigail, the first Abigail was a good girl, she just needs a lot more attention than I was going to be able to offer her. Two retiree ladies that share a house have taken her home, and other than her one nasty habit she is doing well. I didnt notice any of this batch of puppies indulging in that, for which I am glad. Poop eating is a sign of stress, which didnt seem present, even thought the puppies have been cooped up for days because of the pouring rain here. The night before there were tornado sightings out in the area, which is about 45 miles west of Fort Smith.

I drove out alone. I dont usually make such long drives this is a 325 mile round tripper. John wasnt wanting to go with me, so I made the choice the drive on my own. Even with the rain I was amazed at how beautiful the countryside. The green of the grass and tree leaves is so bright it jars the eyes. Water flowing down the hillsides and the rocky outcrops along the 540 highway. I plodded along and listened to John Michael Talbot's worship recording... The lightning strikes at key moments made it all seem surreal

I was glad to be alone. I needed to have time to think, time to pray and time to cry a little. I have had a lot to think about this week, lots of change, lots of conviction about areas of my life that I know need work spiritually. Lots of concerns about friends about the future at the church.





I spent 4 hours in the puppy barn. Because the weather has been so bad, the little darlings had been cooped up in the viewing area with blankets and towels to wee on. The smell was pretty intense. Pam didnt want photos taken of the mess, I wish I could show you all what this whole experience is like because it is delightful. She had her cleaning clothes on so she cleaned while I played with puppies. There is nothing like having a swirling mass of little beings that want nothing more than to get your attention... "Pick Me! Pick Me!" as they yip and pull at my shoelaces, and tumble over each other in reckless abandon. I think every child should have this experience once in their life, it is very sweet and wonderful, all of those little faces looking expectantly at me. This is not a puppy mill, but a nursery where the doggies are not caged but have large runs, warm sleeping nests, and safe places to nurse and care for the babies, under the wide Oklahoma sky. See the most recent video here




I decided that I wanted another girl to fuss over... I think that I would feel silly putting bows in the hair of my boy dog...I am so old fashioned. So Pam and I put all of the boys down for a nap...then all of the girls that are on hold, and or sold. This brought my choices down to six. There is a gender bias against the males, and there seem to be more of them born these days at Shih Tzu Heaven. I dont think it has to do with hair bows, the bias I mean. I think the boys are sweet and cuddly, but the word is that house training is harder... I havent seen that with Pam's boys they all trot outside like champs. I saw seven-eight week olds looking for the pet door. Pretty amazing.

I picked up all of the girls and held each one, I had also looked at older females and pups less than 8 weeks old. The six pups in "day care" were my "finalists"... There was the black with white sister of Annabelle, a bit on the bossy side pushing other pups around and acting like she was the little queen. I was actually on the hunt for her, but she wasnt the right one...I could just tell. There were brown and white pups from different parents...

And there was this little girl that had attached herself to me. She sat by my chair and kept looking up. She was bigger than the others, and would clearly grow larger than the Imperial size I wanted. I did pick her up a few times and put her down again. She stayed by me even pushing other pups away to keep me all to herself... It didnt go unnoticed by yours truly.

I picked her up again and asked about her parents. I think Pam faked not hearing me... I cuddled the pudgy toddler admiring her button eyes and turned up nose. She also has lovely markings of gold on her dark face... After a few more minutes I realized that I was really crazy about this one she was just radiating love and contentment while laying in my arms... When I asked Pam when she would be ready to go home, she said "May 14", and I knew...she was one of Shadow and Taco's babies, one of the Valentine puppies... Annabelle's other full sister and she seemed crazy about me. I said "Well, thats settles it...she is one of the family, and she should go home with me." And so she is as soon as she is ready to leave the nest... no rushing it this time

I remembered looking at her on the computer back in February as I traveled to Birmingham with Linda... after my Beloved had died and thinking that one of these babies would be mine to love. I hope that all goes well this time, and that we will become true companions. I should have her in two weeks... I can hardly wait


Aint Love Grand?

Labels: Abigail, Annabelle, Faith

April 20, 2009

Bon Voyage, My Abigail

My Sweet Girl, Abigal at 3 months

Hokulea: Do you have any misgivings about Abigail coming back home with me? You know her better than I do. she will be alone a lot, I cant help that. I want her to be happy. I was looking at her picture this morning and remebered how she was so unhappy and sad while she was here so I am concerned about it. Maybe I am just being silly. When I am home she will get lots of love and attention, so maybe it wont matter....



Puppy MeeMaw I honestly do not believe it is a good idea for to return. I have worked with the puppy and she is definitely a social flower, only happy around someone or other dogs. I do not believe she is ever going to be OK staying by herself. She just makes herself sick. She does not mind the cage at night if she is with the other dogs but doesn't like it in the house by herself. She definitely doesn't like it during the day time hours. I am so sorry, I know you connected with her in the short time you had her. I would suggest that when you get settled with your job and stuff that we try again and see if you are more over Anabelle and definitely more in control of your time. You know a puppy takes a lot of time and when you just don;t have the time or another person to back you up it is too hard.

I stood before her pictures today and wondered how she was doing, was she better? Would it be right to bring her home... So I emailed today. And this was the answer.

I feel very sad and feel a touch lost about it all. But it is what is best for Abi and for me too. It just wasnt a good fit and deep down I knew that... She already has had some admirers. MeeMaw told me that she will place her with either someone that will be home with her all of the time...she gets a lot of retirees that come from this area, or someone that has another dog already

Annabelle's sister is still available, another lady has pick of the litter and was leaning towards the other pups so if she is still available after next week I will go and see her again. she would be ready to come home mid may when I would be free to spend a few days with her here, then there are babies that will be ready in June... we shall see how things go

I will be sending the pictures Ive taken to MeeMaw, maybe the new family will want them

I have to let go again, this is the right thing, but it hurts just the same

Labels: Abigail

March 27, 2009

The Little Stranger

Playtime with Mom... Abigail at 3 months

It was three months before Woody and I were married . I was one of four girls in the small office that was getting married that fall. My boss was a hapily married woman who had raised two fine young women. We had had many conversations about my future marriage. One slow afternoon when she called me into her office for something, and we got to talking... she said..."Let me tell you a story"... The woman sitting in front of me was impeccably dressed and the queen of organization... "When I found out I was pregnant I had all of these ideas. When my first daughter was born, I sterilized everything, I used the best diapers and made my own baby food, I washed her little shoestrings to keep them white...

then I got pregnant with my second daughter, I was so exahusted... and it was impossible for me to keep up once she was born. One day I fell asleep with them outside and I found she was eating dirt and it didnt bother me, she never looked like she was posing for a magazine cover...She then took both pictures of the girls off of her desk. Which one is the most sucessful the most "normal"? The one who ate dirt, and climbed trees...

Remember that when You have your own kids...Just love them and dont worry so much about doing all of the right things

I thought about Chris Salerio, and her words of wisdom. Because of circumstance, temperment and breeding, Annabelle was the "perfect child" I seldom had to scold. she was good about the bathroom and passive about crating... not a barker or pushy about attention. Abigail is just the opposite at this point in her life

Its been a difficult but revealing week for me and Abigail. I came into this with as open a mind as I could have. I had lost an exceptional dog, and didnt expect Abigail to be her replacement. She is her own person, and still a baby really, and perhaps a late bloomer. She was very attached to her Mom and sister and didnt want to be separated. Perhaps that is part of the problem

Her breeder has a program that she follows with the puppies, one of the most important things is crate training. Its vital that the pup be able to stay in her crate while I am gone. I have arranged for a wonderful neighbor to come during the day to take her out. Then at night I expected her to be in her crate until I was sure of the house training.

She is house trained. She only wanted to go outdoors when we got home... but not at night nor in the rain and snow or with lightining..She is a little girl after all. I understand this, but she wouldnt go in this house on the pads either, as Annabelle did when she couldnt go out. She has her own bathroom as well as pads by the back door. But at three months she cant hold it very long and going out after dark is dangerous with the wild animals plus we are so close to a busy road...

Abigail not only doesnt want to be in a crate in another room, she cannot handle being alone for any length of time. she will walk in and out of the jumbo sized crate at will even lay down in it. But close the door, she turns into the Tazmanian Devil, freaking out to the point of blooding herself. Because she wont allow herself to be crated ie put down for a nap, I think this contributes to all of the issues she is strggling with. She wont stay still in a play pen with me in the room. That is making things very difficult

I remember that I had Woody to help and that he was home with her at night and I had her during the day. Still by 4 months Annabelle was spending 10 to 12 hours a day in her crate and it wasnt an issue for her. It has been sugessted that I exchange Abigail for a different puppy. Only as a last resort... I cant believe that a bonding hasnt already occured. Last night Abi wasnt settling down and as she came over and suckled my night dress sleave I saw a look of contented trust.. she just needs a binkie... Annabelle used the corner of a blanket, her favorite is in my closet still. I found a delivery blankie and tucked that around her and she chewed on the corner and settled...A little teething baby thats all she is...

And..she has a nasty habit of eating her poop. Pretty disgusting. I know that this is common and this breed is notorious for this. I have been giving her a suppliment to help deter this. She is infuriated when she goes and doesnt get to... you know... so now in the house I can scoop it up and while I am doing that I stuff her mouth with a soft liver treat to keep her busy. Outside I just take her away from it.

Its exausting trying to keep up with her, to try to keep the carpets from being soiled... But she is confused with all of the smells in here.

We have had some break throughs. I succumbed and moved Abi into my bed. That has been fun. I made a little bed for her at the head of the bed so she is close to me and can wake me when she needs to go at night. She has been very good about this and we have been sucessful to transition to the indoor bathroom at night. She is a much better partner than some of my bed partners, keeping to the space that I provided to her

But the truth is I see her acting very lost. She will sit in front of the closet mirror and howl. She acts like she is looking for some one or something. She was coming when called, she no longer does this and sometimes just seems lost. She was walking with me now she doesnt overnight.

The thought is that she really wasnt ready to leave home and that perhaps returning to the farm would be a good idea. Sadly I feel like they are right. So its back to Oklahoma for perhaps a month so the breeder can work with her on crating. I also have the old crate Annabelle used that Abigail hates. Perhaps it smells of death even though I cleaned it well, I dont know, but I am going to trade it out for another one.

I will miss my little tomboy girl, today we had a hard day but I sat and held her quite a bit, just loving her. That is why I got her and I want to not let the problems get in the way of the love. I know that that being with the breeder will do a lot of good and we will try again in a month. I will miss the litle stranger that I hardly know but love to pieces

Aint She sweet Abigail at 3 months

Labels: Abigail

March 23, 2009

The Stork Has Arrived

Pamela's Shih Tzu Heaven, birthplace of Annabelle

CAUTION! Cuteness Alert!

WEll, we would really rather that you had a yard...Yes,yes I know...the dog will be indoors...

Yes we have dog's in the shelter, no you cant look at them, you have to go on Petfinder, find a dog you like...if the dog is not available we will tell you in a few days and then you have to fill out an application....

Yes, I know that on Craigslist you aren't supposed sell pets but I got this 8 week Chihuahua two weeks ago and paid 400.00 for it. My sister hates it and I want my money out of it.

Sure, I will give you the dog come and see me...oh I dont know when I will have time...

We charge 400.00 for the 8 year old rescue dog with issues because we have so much invested in the dog and want you to have the same investment... Yes that is why you sign the contract that you feel says you dont own the dog...

Maxwell, Abigail's Daddy

Yes its a dog eat doggy world out there when you are talking rescue. The do gooder mentality makes it really hard to adopt a pet. I am so worn down I have no energy to deal with this.

The silence and the extra hours that I have since Bella's death have been very difficult., I found that my whole life was upside down, and not in a good way.

So when I taled to Pam about Anabelle's parents whelping It was with some relief. She is a LCSW and after a few questions said that she felt I was ready for a new furry friend


Sweetie Pie Abigail's Mum

Woody drove me out...they live one hour west of Fort Smith, and with my sleep apnea It was such a long drive, its better that I dont go that distance. It gave us a chance to talk which I think was a good thing. Changes are coming to our situation.Woody is putting our house up for sale. Real estate is starting to move a bit and this might be a good time to start the selling process

We got there and Pam wasnt there yet so we bagan to pick up pups. There were about 30 of them. After a few hours of this I had landed on two. A tiny girl that was a touch bossy and willful enough to get mme going...and a little boy that glomed onto both Woody and I... I couldnt decided

Annabells two sisters and two brothers were 4 weeks old and very cute. But I wouldnt have the pup till mother's Day, and ther was something creepy about looking into the face of my Beloved...even at that early stage I could see the tip tilted nose that was very different from the other pups...

So as I was watching the little girl pup I saw a larger pup come over and lay down between me and the little girl. She looked up at me with a classic "Crysanthimum" face, nearly flat with almond shaped eyes that will grow rounder as she gets older. he coat was nearly straight and as soft as a cloud. The feeling of the hair was important to me. The bristly shih tzus that get that trait from Pekeanese ancestors are not for me

When I picked her up she rolled up into a ball and snuggled. Woody says that she was the first pup I had picked up earlier in the day and he thought that her being bigger will make her sturdier and a good compainion, perhaps less prissy and more a tom boy though I dont know. She is strong minded and will bark and make her wishes known

She feels solid, and well made. Pam thinks she will be 8-10 lbs Annabells was 8 lbs. Insted of a prance she ambles along with a leggy gait. She will be fast and she loves walking already

I couldnt afford her..., but like Woody said, will I get ex number of dollars of enjoyment and mental peace of mind. Will her love and yes devotion already, be worth it...of course...(she stood between me and the "doggy in the closet mirror" and barked like crazy , I had to intervene... Annabelle had only just discovered her reflection shortly before her death.

And so I am a doggy Momma again, in the twenty four hours that I have had her at home has already been a joy. Abigail is her name...they were already calling her "Abby" and she answers to that. The name means Beloved of the Father in Hebrew. she has stolen our hearts and the hearts of everyone who has seen her



The little muffin, Abigail at 12 weeks

You were warned






I am totally besotted

Labels: Abigail, Woody