January 01, 2010

We’ll Take A Cup Of Kindness Yet

Snowy Pasture Benton County Arkansas

Post completed 1-3-09

"Your life has taken many a difficult turn, but now a year later, you have come through, you have stood the test, have kept the faith. Your life is now a blank canvas, ready for The Lord and you...YOU (as she gently poked me with her finger)To create a new picture... to paint a new vision... Dont let ANYONE else paint on it..."


Sandy Andrews, on the feast of All Saints, when she returned to FUMCBV to remember the life of her departed husband Dr. Ed Andrews nearly one year after his death

Its a..
A New Day
A New Week
A New Month
A New Year
A New Decade

Like the Magi, we have discovered a star—a light and guide in the sky of our soul. “We have seen his star in the east and have come to worship him.” We have had the same experience. We too noticed a new light shining in our soul and growing increasingly brighter. It was a desire to live a fully Christian life, a keenness to take God seriously.

- St. Josemaria Escriva

I am out of a job and am a lady of leasure as of yesterday at 4 pm. I was ready to go. It wasnt a surprise. I made a decision that people were more important than production, names and stories rather than numbers and production. My stats went down and the decision to retain was in the end made just by the numbers. Im ok with that. I am afraid a little but I know God is with me and will provide for my needs

I have made a decision that I will be true to my God and his principles, True to my faith and the principles of the Church, and perhaps most importantly and as part and parcel to that which has proceeded... I will be true to myself, my needs, my feelings and my values... To have stayed on "top" at Walmart.com, meant I would have had to cheat, cut corners and ultimately sell out to the machine. I couldnt do that. My young up and coming boss was fired three weeks ago for fudging the numbers for the team...the others will be found out. I got a glowing letter of reccomendation and direction on how to find jobs with walmart. I will be working that job board heavily in the comming days

I also interviewed at a local trucking company. It was a three hour interview with a man who had been "meaning" to call me. I find the timing facinating... Its about as far away as any place I have interviewed so far... the only carrier futher away is CTI up in Joplin, but that cannot be a consideration...The manditory 45-50 hour work week cant be a consideration. Abigail locked in a cage day in and out cant be a consideration. I have to work. If the job is a success I will move closer to the terminal... which means not being so stuck on this house that I buy it and be locked in...everything is subject to re evaluation

I have come to some major decisions Nothing that was important before matters in 2010. Everything is up for grabs and for reconsideration...This includes relationships, prior commitments, and agreements. Nothing is going to be left "as it was" I cant afford that anymore.

First and foremost...Who or what is King in my life, and if Jesus is King in my life, and I have seen His star before me..the "Hokulea" the Star of Gladness, how committed am I to following that Star?... I was challenged both in a AA meeting I attended New Years Day and listening to Charles Stanley last night, that its not about the miricle of sobriety or just faith...you have to live it out,... accept the gift of salvation and releationship with God, but you have to do it, and that requires trust and obedience... As Dr. Stanley said, "How can you have relationship with someone you dont trust, you arent honest with, and are in rebellion to?" The answer is you cant be. My life with Woody was filled with these negative things. We had no trust, no transparency and because of the lack of love and understanding it made it impossible to not "rebel" so to speak against the other. I know he balked at anything and subtilely sabataged my efforts at a sober life and I found myself cursing him in my heart constantly as his lack of care of any part of our life together sucked the very will to live from my being. I found myself less and less willing to try to trust God because it seemed like I prayed and prayed for good and light as my heart grew darker and darker

The same with sobriety...Im pretty proud of the fact that I have now 21 years of sobriety but..have I been living a sober life? Its more than giving up the bottle, the condom, and the straw... Its living out The Steps, Traditions and Concepts which I havent done. I have tried to hold it together through sheer force of will, and as that crumbled, I found myself addicted to "love" and "hate" I fell in love with a man I can never have, just thinking about him gave me a buzz, and my daily cursing of Woody fueled a rage that became an addiction as strong as crack...Both of them are like crack really and just as lethal.

I am done with all of that. Woody has failed to contact me since he was here in November. We are done. I thought we could be friends but he wants to go his own way and the frustration of seeing him drink himself to death is not something I need in my life. If you are reading this farewell, I miss the you I used to know, not what you have turned into.

Mr. Wonderful left this area because of a job transfere last year. We have talked a few times but again nothing for a long time. He has moved on. For all of our sakes I need to move on as well. Let him go. I hear about how his family is doing though others he is in closer contact with, and its like a knife twist that I dont see him, yet we both know this would be a very bad idea...The emotions are fading and this makes me sad too. Farewell, my friend, have a wonderful life, you have earned it and deserve it. Thank you for being there for me when no one else was


Knowing him has been a bond with life, and a catalyst for change in my manner of living . He has a beautiful life, and in no way would I ever want to disrupt that. I need to be happy for the good times and have no regrets...

Lest you think this is about beating poor Hoku up, let me ease your mind. This will be the last said about any of this. I really am done with it all. There is a part of me that just wants to be free and I shall be. I have poured that New Years Cup of Kindness for myself as 2009 passed into 2010...as I listen to Christmas music even now Jan third and will likely leave my tree up till tax day cause I love it so.

I want to do things that will make me happy...even if they are hard or dont make sense to the rest of those around me. Its going to take a lot of work but its going to be worth it.

I believe in resolutions...goals more like... I have a few already thought up and mentally agreed upon for this year. They are:

Nothing is off the table with regards to what is best for Hoku...I have spent my whole life doing for others or what others thought was best for me. This year, in the face of great adversity I have tried to do what is best for me, and that will continue even if the costs rise in the interim...

I will pursue my faith...My faith is my primary vocation...and worship, how I worship, where I worship is very important. I currently minister in a church that is getting harder for me to be a part of. I will eventually have to decide if I continue there or withdraw completely in favor of either exclusivly attending the Catholic Church, or staying a hybrid and attending a evangelical church as well. I have a standing invitation to come to another body, a Disciples of Christ Church like Beargrass Church in Louisville where I attended while in Louisville. Sandy, the lady quoted above moved there after the death of her husband. That is if I feel the need for the teaching one gets in a protestant church, I might get plenty by utilizing the internet and books...I can also pray for change at FUMCBV, but right now there are enough difficulties that a move may be necessary even though I would miss my friends and leading worship terribly...

I will read 10 "Important" books. Not necessarily "classics" or "serious" works but I want to read books that will have a lasting effect on my thoughts and life.

Book 1 is in progress it is Jon Sweeny's "Almost Catholic". This book is for any person interested in Christian spiritual practices, not just Catholics or those that are in Catholic formation. Mr. Sweeney is High Church but not Catholic, his words say page after page things I have tried to say to those that are opposing my entering Holy Mother Church, that litugical practice frees us from the tyranny of the freedom to make our own way in the world spiritually and wondering if we are getting it right. I have experienced this first hand as I was run out of the ministry because I no long fit with the program... I watched a dear friend suffer at the hands of an abusive pastor because his worship leadership was not "cutting edge" enough..whatever that meant... You need structure and some foundation to build upon...

anyway those that read this blog please give me ideas, and list books at the end of this post that have impacted your life that you think would benefit me in my journey

I will file for bankruptcy, its no longer an option. I am being threatened with more than a lawsuit by a creditor right now. I will try to see a lawyer this week. Its not a matter either of pride or being a deadbeat. Its kinder to just get it overwith to everyone.

I will learn to crochet this year. I have a skein of yarn and a j hook and can chain stitch sort of already...

I will watch less tv and listen to more music, read more books and cruise Facebook less

I will be kind to myself.. I will say "I am worthwhile...I am worthwhile..." as many times as needed. I will never again visit the Walmart gun counter... I dont need to do that no matter who will be the first person to get that phone call...

I will be open to dating... I will be open to possibilities

Most of all... I will drink of the cup of kindness, weither given to me by friend or stranger, God or myself, and I will drink deeply and enjoy its fruits. I will also choose to pass that cup to all that I meet for God would have it so

Labels: AA, Catholic, Church, Faith, faith working, IN, Louisville, Praise and Worship, Relationships, Scenic Arkansas, Woody, working

December 23, 2009

The Little Christmas Miracle

My Christmas Tree and re arranged living room

I was actually looking forward to Christmas this year so it was with much cheerfulness and expectation that I went to the garage and pulled out my boxes of stuff. I have in this past years sorted out and sold much of my decorative stuff, so I would have less to haul around and store should I have to move...but the boxes I have left were not touched...I know intimately what is in those boxes, the treasure of Christmas past's... every ornament has a story..

Abigail on watch looking out the front window trying to not be distracted by the twinkling lights on the tree

Every year I buy at least on new ornament, sometimes two, for example, hanging down is the trefoil of Louisville, long and slim, never to be confused with the wider one that graces the arms of New Orleans or the short wide one that symbolizes
St. Louis...or the shell, shiny with glitter that my Mom gave me as a memento of our Christmas on Kauaii, our last Christmas together.This years, the cross on the ribbon, I gave a matching one to my RCIA sponsor

While in Louisville I visited a cute little shop that sold the European style Christmas ornaments I saw cute little dogs and decided I wanted one that looked like Annabelle a black and white shih tzu... I looked high and low, but I I found was this curious looking multicolored one with a blue bow...

It didnt look like Annabelle, I I bought a Maltese that looked a lot more like her...but I couldnt leave the little golden doggie behind so I bought it as well. It had a cute little box and it went into the carton once I got home from Louisville.. I didnt hang it on last years tree...

My little Christmas Miracle

Well we know what happened Annabelle went to wait for me at the Rainbow bridge, I was adopted by the cutest little De Colores doggie peaches and cream, Miss Abigail Valentine came into my life...She has enriched and exasperated me and filled my life with laughter... I cant imagine my life without her

I had forgotten the little glass ornament, in its transparent box, untill I went to put my tree up and saw..Abigails little face looking up at me from deep in the recesses of the storage carton...I have wondered all along... "Why God," "Why am in this mess, Why must my life be so hard?" "Do You have a plan, or am just subject to everyone elses whims?" "Does my life have meaning...or am I just taking up space here?" "Does God really care..."

He cares enough to compel me to take a seemingly unnessary object to a cash register then save it until... He cared enough to cause Abigail to attach herself to me at a time when I needed unconditional love. He gave me a job when I was at the end of my rope. I need to start really trusting in this God that reached down and used this tiny thing to show me His previenent care

Sometimes you need a tiny miracle to renew your faith

Dont worry Mom... God's got it all figured out...My dark beauty ms. Abigail

Labels: Abigail, Annabelle, Faith, Louisville

August 30, 2009

Psalm 37~ He Will Not Forsake Me

Misty Morning, The water hazzard on the 10th fairway, The Legends at Indian Springs, Springhurst, Louisville KY


He Will Not Forsake His Saints

Fret not yourself because of evildoers;
be not envious of wrongdoers!
For they will soon fade like the grass
and wither like the green herb.

Trust in the Lord, and do good;
dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.
Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him, and he will act.
He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,
and your justice as the noonday.

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;
fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way,
over the man who carries out evil devices!

Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath!
Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.
For the evildoers shall be cut off,
but those who wait for the Lord shall inherit the land.

In just a little while, the wicked will be no more;
though you look carefully at his place, he will not be there.
But the meek shall inherit the land
and delight themselves in abundant peace.

The wicked plots against the righteous
and gnashes his teeth at him,
but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
for he sees that his day is coming.

The wicked draw the sword and bend their bows
to bring down the poor and needy,
to slay those whose way is upright;
their sword shall enter their own heart,
and their bows shall be broken.

Better is the little that the righteous has
than the abundance of many wicked.
For the arms of the wicked shall be broken,
but the Lord upholds the righteous.

The Lord knows the days of the blameless,
and their heritage will remain forever;
they are not put to shame in evil times;
in the days of famine they have abundance.

But the wicked will perish;
the enemies of the Lord are like the glory of the pastures;
they vanish—like smoke they vanish away.

The wicked borrows but does not pay back,
but the righteous is generous and gives;
for those blessed by the Lord shall inherit the land,
but those cursed by him shall be cut off.

The steps of a man are established by the Lord,
when he delights in his way;
though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong,
for the Lord upholds his hand.

I have been young, and now am old,
yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken
or his children begging for bread.
He is ever lending generously,
and his children become a blessing.

Turn away from evil and do good;
so shall you dwell forever.
For the Lord loves justice;
he will not forsake his saints.
They are preserved forever,
but the children of the wicked shall be cut off.
The righteous shall inherit the land
and dwell upon it forever.

The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom,
and his tongue speaks justice.
The law of his God is in his heart;
his steps do not slip.

The wicked watches for the righteous
and seeks to put him to death.
The Lord will not abandon him to his power
or let him be condemned when he is brought to trial.

Wait for the Lord and keep his way,
and he will exalt you to inherit the land;
you will look on when the wicked are cut off.

I have seen a wicked, ruthless man,
spreading himself like a green laurel tree.
But he passed away, and behold, he was no more;
though I sought him, he could not be found.

Mark the blameless and behold the upright,
for there is a future for the man of peace.
But transgressors shall be altogether destroyed;
the future of the wicked shall be cut off.

The salvation of the righteous is from the Lord;
he is their stronghold in the time of trouble.
The Lord helps them and delivers them;
he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
because they take refuge in him.

Labels: Kentucky, Louisville, scripture

May 17, 2009

Psalm 39~ My Hope Is in You

Summer Flowers Riverfront Park Botanical Gardens Louisville Kentucky


I said to myself, "I will watch what I do
and not sin in what I say.
I will curb my tongue
when the ungodly are around me."

But as I stood there in silence-
not even speaking of good things-
the turmoil within me grew to the bursting point.

My thoughts grew hot within me
and began to burn,
igniting a fire of words:

"Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be.
Remind me that my days are numbered,
and that my life is fleeing away.

My life is no longer than the width of my hand.
An entire lifetime is just a moment to you;
human existence is but a breath."
Interlude



We are merely moving shadows,
and all our busy rushing ends in nothing.
We heap up wealth for someone else to spend.



And so, Lord, where do I put my hope?
My only hope is in you.

Rescue me from my rebellion,
for even fools mock me when I rebel.

I am silent before you; I won't say a word.
For my punishment is from you.

Please, don't punish me anymore!
I am exhausted by the blows from your hand.

When you discipline people for their sins,
their lives can be crushed like the life of a moth.
Human existence is as frail as breath.
Interlude



Hear my prayer, O Lord!
Listen to my cries for help!
Don't ignore my tears.
For I am your guest-
a traveler passing through,
as my ancestors were before me.

Spare me so I can smile again
before I am gone and exist no more.

Labels: Louisville, scripture

April 12, 2009

Mark 16:1-8~ The Rest Of The Story

The Risen Christ.... The altar of St Francis of Rome Church Clifton District Loiusville KY

When the Sabbath was past, Mary Magdalene and Mary the mother of James and Salome bought spices, so that they might go and anoint him.

And very early on the first day of the week, when the sun had risen, they went to the tomb.
And they were saying to one another, “Who will roll away the stone for us from the entrance of the tomb?”

And looking up, they saw that the stone had been rolled back—it was very large.
And entering the tomb, they saw a young man sitting on the right side, dressed in a white robe, and they were alarmed.

And he said to them, “Do not be alarmed. You seek Jesus of Nazareth, who was crucified. He has risen; he is not here. See the place where they laid him.
“But go, tell his disciples and Peter that he is going before you to Galilee. There you will see him, just as he told you.”

And they went out and fled from the tomb, for trembling and astonishment had seized them, and they said nothing to anyone, for they were afraid.

Pastor David made a good point this morning, this passage ends so abruptly it makes you wonder why Mark hardly finished the sentence of verse 8... Was he arrested by soliders, or left to go off with Barnabas or Paul?... Others have tried to finish the tale, we know that Mark didnt write the final verses of the book that bears his name, the add on is a rough fit.

Was it deliberate, this omission of the marvelous? After all The Roman mind to whom this Gospel is directed was accustomed to tales of miracles wrought by the pantheon of gods goddesses and demi-gods but, none of them ever claimed to reclaim a departed spirit and replace it into a body abandoned in death... a three day old body at that. This is not found in any myth or legend...could it even be true?...

Perhaps Mark wanted to make sure that his readers kept reading... that the new followers of The Way, as Jesus' teachings were called then, kept following. We will never know. We can see that these tales did circulate as Paul relates in first Conrinthians 15 and there was disbelief

What we do know is this, that Mark recorded the story and we have it today. The next step we need to take is the same step that those that visited the empty tomb on the first Easter morning needed to make... The step of faith to believe that Jesus was and is all that he said that he was and is. If this is true then we need to tell someone about it, just as Mark and those others did after seeing the miracle of the Ressurection

That is the Rest of the Story

Labels: Faith, Louisville, scripture

January 12, 2009

The Petition

my morning window

post started 1-08-2009

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way (I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go)
take me all the way (through the motions)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions

Matthew West

I heard this song this morning and it really sunk in. I think that the desire to stop "going through the motions" is the main reason why I find myself sitting in my lawyers office preparing a counter petition for my divorce. Woody's lawyer set up the petition in the most general way charging me with cruel indignities ect... Sorry I dont want that to go on the record.. Let the truth be told once and for all. I am living in a unconsumated marriage with a man that has spent ever last cent of his retirement with the feckless abandonment of a boy with his allowence. While we have had many many many great times and perhaps still will in the future, I dont want to live as thought this is "happily ever after". I hope that perhaps if I am found worthy I might yet find love again with someone else, and in the mean time I want to be free to serve God as He will and I cant while being bound to Woody.

It doesnt make it easy. There is a lot of unrest in my heart still. I feel badly that I have left him with the house and the mortgage. I go over there and the empty book cases and the general desolation has got to be depressing. I feel like I have not handled this situation as best as I could...but then, I look at the half empty house and realize that this is how the house of my soul has seemed to feel for years and now as the healing has started, I understand that I must look forward and not spend too much time dwelling on this. God has moved me forward and much of the time I feel simply happy for the first time in a long time.

Woody asked me for money this week. I have enough cash in savings for 90 days or so. Not much really in this economy. My prayer is that I will get a job and I am trying looking every day on the Internet. ( I have submitted my resume over 500 times since I returned to Arkansas in November.) I have done some interviewing as well and feel that now that the holidays are over something will come along. I am not picky, and will do what ever to get started again. I dont feel good about giving him money. He has friends that will help him, he can stay in the house many months if he defaults, and there is the painful past...I have no on to help me. I dont have a mortgage right now but a lease. I can be booted out pretty quickly, not that I think Mr. Herring would do that, but I need to be wise about this

It still twisted my heart. I wondered if I did wrong. Why was I so driven about leaving? I have to say that while I was in Louisville I didnt write on my blog the depth of anger, rage fear and disgust I felt about my relationship. Being removed allowed me to vent a lot of that. Its now burnt itsself out and what is left is a bit of an empty shell. Today...the most painful thing is that Woody, who knew I was feeling at time suicidal and filled with grief over it all never said anything like " I love you why dont you come home and we will work it out..." or "I need you home you are done with Charlie's, " or "Please stay in the house and help me while we both get on our feet..." Frankly I felt like he wanted me out in so many words and that makes this harder for me. Being unwanted is the lifetime grief of my soul. No matter how much stuff I received from Woody, what I wanted was his love and acceptance, and I dont feel that I ever received that. It really hurts and now by filing the petition, perhaps I will find peace in this area of my life...

Every morning, when its a clear day, the sun rises in my bedroom window. It signals a truth that I really processed in Louisville, that God gives us a new day to literally "start over". We get a new chance to renew our life journey. Each day is a precious gift. I try to respect the day, and utilize it as best I can. That doesnt mean I have to accomplish a bunch of things...today I put away a few books, did a few online resumes and made a few calls. I also went out and got my hair cut... a much needed excursion. And there is the daily walk with my Annabelle. I rise early and go to bed at the same time. The ruetine is a comfort and I believe will help me regain my health to what it was before I married Woody... My hair dresser already thinks my hair is growing thicker... I have hair so thin you can see my scalp and I am not a old woman. I just need to not sit around and cry about the past. I did a lot of that in Louisville and now I am done with this grieving.

I have stopped wearing my wedding rings and the beautiful Commitment ring that I had made when I first became a Christian. I cannot bear looking at them even though I love the peices very much. I have been wearing a band that Woody gave me nearly 10 years ago that I thought was too delicate for everyday wear. I learned that the under gallery is very supportive and I can wear the sparkling confection daily as long as I dont do home improvement projects in it. Woody noticed that I was wearing it and it made him smile. I didnt take my ring off to piss him off, just to move forward and he got it.

My home is shaping up the way I hoped it would and its making the feeling of being up to my eyeballs in debt worthwhile. As I unload the boxed of books, hang the drapes and enjoy a very new, contemporary styled "chick pad" I feel like I am making a home. I have decorated my bedroom and bathroom with textiles I bought in Hilo before we left (drapes bedding and shower curtain courtesy of JC Penney "Local Style" section) above the bed I hung the print of Hilo Bay,that I had framed in Louisville. There is a lot of a aloha in there and it feels really good. I also have created flower arragements with a tropical feel that gives the whole place a Kapalua look. It reminds me of a upscale condo on Ka'anapalli Beach. Then you go outside and its Ozark leaves and trees. Its so the way my life is now. The aloha is still here but I am here in the southern plains, and living large at that.

Should this not work out and I am not able to get a job I am not sure what I will do. perhaps look at going back to Louisville. I have contacts there that might be able to help me get started, but that isnt what I want to do just now. things are pretty good here economiclly and I am sure I can get a position doing something. Pray for me if you would that I will find work soon. That will go a long way to help me feel settled. Until that happens I need to trust that God will continue to provide. That is my lesson I am learning right now and my petition to On High.

Labels: Annabelle, Bella Vista, Faith, Hawaii, Louisville, Marriage, Pear Tree Cottage, Woody, working

January 11, 2009

Mark 1:1-11~ The Baptism of Jesus

The Shining Stream The Ohio River Levenworth IN.

John the Baptist Prepares the Way

The beginning of the gospel of Jesus Christ, the Son of God.

As it is written in Isaiah the prophet,

“Behold, I send my messenger before your face,
who will prepare your way,
the voice of one crying in the wilderness:
‘Prepare the way of the Lord,
make his paths straight,’”

John appeared, baptizing in the wilderness and proclaiming a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins.And all the country of Judea and all Jerusalem were going out to him and were being baptized by him in the river Jordan, confessing their sins.Now John was clothed with camel's hair and wore a leather belt around his waist and ate locusts and wild honey.And he preached, saying, “After me comes he who is mightier than I, the strap of whose sandals I am not worthy to stoop down and untie.I have baptized you with water, but he will baptize you with the Holy Spirit.”

The Baptism of Jesus
In those days Jesus came from Nazareth of Galilee and was baptized by John in the Jordan.And when he came up out of the water, immediately he saw the heavens opening and the Spirit descending on him like a dove.And a voice came from heaven, “You are my beloved Son; with you I am well pleased.”

Labels: IN, Louisville, scripture

January 04, 2009

Isaiah 24:14-16~Give Glory to God

Stormfront over the greens at Indian Springs Louisville KY

Isaiah 24:14-16

They lift up their voices, they sing for joy;
over the majesty of the Lord they shout from the west.
Therefore in the east give glory to the Lord;
in the coastlands of the sea, give glory to the name of the Lord, the God of Israel.
From the ends of the earth we hear songs of praise,
of glory to the Righteous One.
But I say, “I waste away,
I waste away. Woe is me!
For the traitors have betrayed,
with betrayal the traitors have betrayed.”

Labels: Kentucky, Louisville, scripture

December 31, 2008

The Resolution...Just Do It

The Dingle on the 9th Green, Legends of Indian Springs Louisville KY


I saw this write up in todays paper and thought that I would share it for new years... May all of you have a safe New Years Eve!


HEART & SOUL: Just do it, do it right, one choice at a timeBy Jennifer Hansen (Contact)

Whatever you need to do, get it done.

Whomever you need to be, be that person. If there’s something that needs to be said, say it.

Making resolutions is a process we might not have time for in 2009. Being resolute, on the other hand, is a finished state. It may be the very best 2009 mindset we can maintain.

When you are resolute, you simply do things. You don’t “try” to do them.

You do them. For the record, this is what I aspire to, not what I consistently achieve. However, as things get more and more serious out there, being resolute is the mind-set that feels the best.

My sister is a very successful corporate human resources officer. For 35 years, she has worked with high-powered executives in some of the biggest communications and technology companies in the world. She insists that every one of them, at some point in their career, has struggled with self-doubt or fear of failure. The ones who move through those fears to achieve real success are those who steel themselves to take one step at a time.

“Sometimes, even for them, it really is ‘fake it till you make it.’ They put on a brave front and do their best, focusing on their strengths and working overtime to overcome their weaknesses. As soon as they get comfortable, they set new goals and challenge themselves again,” she explains.

We don’t hear much about how super-successful people struggle with doubt, and that’s too bad. We also don’t hear much about how being resolute comes down to daily choices - even really small ones.

For example, let’s say you’re a writer, a columnist perhaps, who resolved last year to finish her manuscript but failed to follow through. In 2009, with the same resolution jumping around and waving its arms to get her attention, she might set a more specific goal, like completing five pages a day, or 50 pages a week. Small steps, manageable challenges, realistic time commitment - now I just have to do it. Not try to do it, but be resolute and do it.

Two important tools help us become resolute. The first is rewards. Rewards are whatever we want them to be. The more often we build small rewards into our plan, the better our chances are of achieving goals. Maybe each time you write your monthly budget report on time, you make a batch of popcorn and watch a movie. Or every time you make a sales call to your least favorite client, you get to go to the bookstore and have a coffee. Whatever you do, reward yourself for being resolute.

The second tool is what I call a touch-stone or anchor, something that grounds, inspires or sustains you.

It can be a person, place or thing and it may vary with your activity. Perhaps you put something in the living room, a favorite family photo, that reminds you to be more patient with your spouse. At the office, however, it’s an old basketball trophy that simply reminds you to act like a champion.

When I write, my touchstone is a Christmas tree. Tucked into the southeast corner of my bedroom, where it’s nobody’s business but mine if I have a Christmas tree all year long, it conveys a message that is personal and meaningful to me. That message emanates from what Christmas meant as a child and includes what a soft, glowing light means to most of us. It resonates with comfort, stability and a host of warmer emotions. Significantly in 2009, it also says what I want my column to say - thatfaith, hope and love abide, not just in my world, but in my words.

2009 may not be easy, but it can still be good. Start it by being resolute and you’ll end it with goals achieved.

Labels: Louisville, Old Flames, Scenic Arkansas

December 22, 2008

I Wonder as I Wander ~ The Blue Christmas Journey

the journey of Christ. From His Mother's arms, as represented by the shrine of Our Lady of Einsiedeln just behind me to the Altar and the institution of the Eucharist, His Crucifixion and resurection and being lifted up as King of the Nations (the mural on the vault of the Nave of the church) The Church of Our Lady of Einsiedeln, St Meinrad's Archabbey, St Meinrad IN

Vague...vagueness emptiness dried up... those are good words to describe how you must feel while dealing with long term greif Pamela, the Chaplain at St Mary's hospital while leading a "Blue Christmas" workshop...

I went to our Church's Blue Christmas celebration on the 21st. Many Churches have this and I think its a great event and always go. This date is intentionally selected for this event as it is the darkest day of the year, for many people this is the darkest time of the year. A time that brings back memories both joyful and troubling. so rather than just pretending that everything is happy happy, its good to be able to come together with others that are struggling with the same feelings as you are. That Christmas isnt the light and bright time that the TV shows would make it out to be, but its hard for most people to keep Christmas the way they think it should be kept. For the Lonely lost , berieved and discouraged Christmas and all of the Holly Jolly can be a nightmare, with ever sight every smell a reminder of the lost loved one, the horrible Christmas's past, and the coming day with not a thing light and bright about it

We have had a number of deaths in the church recently ... some after long and painfull illness others quite suddenly. Many people have lost their retirement savings and dont know how they are going to survive. My situation is a touch unusual, but never the less a friend that lost her beloved husband a few weeks ago said that I too am a widow. My "husband" or my hope of having one in truth, died 13 years ago, and the man I am legaly contracted to is still breathing. What has died is the hope that anything will ever change. She burried her grief, mine is still walking around a living reminder of failure and personal grief and loss.

There were three widows, myself and our pastor there as well as the facilitator, a woman that I love so much, I wish that our paths would cross more often. The "workshop portion was pretty intense. the widows has losses to cry over... and our poor pastor has had a load to bear that has worried me for weeks and every fear I had for him was confirmed... you cant hold the hand of the dying then the living as you are presiding over the funeral 6-7 times since the start of Advent and not be affected. That sort of ministry bleeds you of inner resouces, and if you dont get a chance to recharge can do real damage to your spirit. He is so tired...It scared me...

Perhaps I was the least emotional of the 6 of us but only because the well is so dry I cant get much out anymore. I cried nearly every day while I was in Louisville. i wrote prodigiously and had good counsel. Leading worship was cathartic and I know that helps me. I tried I think in vain to describe my grief... Mark in Louisville told me that there seemed to be no sort of grief that I have not experienced. Dead parents , a dead child divorce dead dreams...suicides, abuse neglect and abandonment emotionally and physically. There is no person of significance that has not emotionally abandoned me at point of need.

I feel empty, lost confused and drained out. This year while I loved my time away and just living...I also lost my dreams, my strength of will is gone and I will need to figure out what God wants me to do.

Every one managed to get some of the pain out. We told our stories and cried more...
We ate together and talked about lighter topics then We had a service of readings and songs, Pastor David even played a John Michael Talbot tune, "On Eagles Wings" that I know well. but the one that got me was the theme of the evening

I Wonder as I Wander

I wonder as I wander out under the sky
How Jesus the Saviour did come for to die
For poor lonely people like you and like I;
I wonder as I wander out under the sky

When Mary birthed Jesus 'twas in a cow's stall
With wise men and farmers and shepherds and all
But high from God's heaven, a star's light did fall
And the promise of ages it then did recall.

If Jesus had wanted for any wee thing
A star in the sky or a bird on the wing
Or all of God's Angels in heaven to sing
He surely could have it, 'cause he was the King

(Words & Music John Jacob Niles)

Pastor David earlier in the day told me that he was praying for me as I journied thought the "wilderness of maybe" I am trying to live totally in the moment. One moment to the next and not trying to get ahead of God...I wonder as I wander... not sure of what the next thing will be only that God is with me...

Labels: Faith, IN, John Michael Talbot, Louisville

November 16, 2008

Jeremiah 33:1-18~The Lord Promises Peace

pipe organ installed 1897 St Francis of Rome Catholic Church Clifton township Louisville KY


Jeremiah 33:1-18~

The Lord Promises Peace

The word of the Lord came to Jeremiah a second time, while he was still shut up in the court of the guard:"Thus says the Lord who made the earth, the Lord who formed it to establish it,the Lord is his name:Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.For thus says the Lord, the God of Israel, concerning the houses of this city and the houses of the kings of Judah that were torn down to make a defense against the siege mounds and against the sword:They are coming in to fight against the Chaldeans and to fill them with the dead bodies of men whom I shall strike down in my anger and my wrath, for I have hidden my face from this city because of all their evil.Behold, I will bring to it health and healing, and I will heal them and reveal to them abundance of prosperity and security.I will restore the fortunes of Judah and the fortunes of Israel, and rebuild them as they were at first.I will cleanse them from all the guilt of their sin against me, and I will forgive all the guilt of their sin and rebellion against me.And this city shall be to me a name of joy, a praise and a glory before all the nations of the earth who shall hear of all the good that I do for them. They shall fear and tremble because of all the good and all the prosperity I provide for it.

"Thus says the Lord: In this place of which you say, 'It is a waste without man or beast,' in the cities of Judah and the streets of Jerusalem that are desolate, without man or inhabitant or beast, there shall be heard again the voice of mirth and the voice of gladness, the voice of the bridegroom and the voice of the bride, the voices of those who sing, as they bring thank offerings to the house of the Lord:

"'Give thanks to the Lord of hosts,
for the Lord is good,
for his steadfast love endures forever!'

For I will restore the fortunes of the land as at first, says the Lord.

Thus says the Lord of hosts: In this place that is waste, without man or beast, and in all of its cities, there shall again be habitations of shepherds resting their flocks.In the cities of the hill country, in the cities of the Shephelah, and in the cities of the Negeb, in the land of Benjamin, the places about Jerusalem, and in the cities of Judah, flocks shall again pass under the hands of the one who counts them, says the Lord.


"Behold, the days are coming, declares the Lord, when I will fulfill the promise I made to the house of Israel and the house of Judah.In those days and at that time I will cause a righteous Branch to spring up for David, and he shall execute justice and righteousness in the land.In those days Judah will be saved and Jerusalem will dwell securely. And this is the name by which it will be called: 'The Lord is our righteousness.'

"For thus says the Lord: David shall never lack a man to sit on the throne of the house of Israel,and the Levitical priests shall never lack a man in my presence to offer burnt offerings, to burn grain offerings, and to make sacrifices forever."

Labels: Kentucky, Louisville, Prayers, scripture

November 11, 2008

Home Ts Where The Heart Is

Locust Grove, built in the early 1800 by the sister of George Rogers Clark, founder of Louisville, and liberator of the Northwest Territories, Locust Grove park, Louisville Kentucky

Post started nov 8, 2008

I think its one of the most basic feelings that we have as human beings...the need to belong and have a place that is ours to say "this is my home". It doesn't always mean a roof over our heads as some tribes in the Amazon live in semi sheltered environments but they have a sense of place...from the Bedouin and his tent to the Roma woman and her wagon to the now nearly extinct Gypsy Trucker living out of his cab, the nomad has a sense of place. For most of us this means a roof and walls, heat and light, and something to rest our weary bodies upon after a long hard day. For those of us in the west we are the most blessed in this area with the poorest of us having luxurious shelters compared to most people in the world.

my little white shack reborn 6 years after I sold her. New paint roof and porch railing took what I had done a long way


I have been blessed to have lived in nicer homes than most...only once in what would be called "substandard" housing but that little wood framed house on Midway st. didn't stay "substandard" for long as I renovated it into a little doll house. "Midway 'round the Bend" I called it. Giving that name from the directions given to me to find it "Go down Flower to where it becomes Flora Vista then when you get to Chicago go left to Midway, as you go round the bend you will see it right away..."and so on It was also "midway" because I never had the money or the ability to finish the renovation and sold it as is before we moved to Hawaii in 2001. I made a killing on it as far as profit goes but it was mine...not Woody's and my place and since then I have felt or been made to feel as though I have been living in someone Else's home...

My castle in paradise Hale Puu Honua Pahoa Puna Big Island of Hawaii


We bought a lovely ranch house in Hawaiian Shores subdivision about 25 miles southeast of Hilo on the Big Island. I named that home "Hale Pu'u Hounua",(home a place of refuge). We arrived just after the 9-11 attacks and thought that we had perhaps come to a place of peace and safety. A place where we could start over and have a new life together...Aloha outside aloha inside...Unfortunatly home is always where you are at and the struggle that Woody and I had on the mainland didnt go away just because we changed zip codes. I struggled to make that home mine as I struggled to adapt and deal with life on the island. I never did quite get that house to feel like home, no matter what I did. I worked long hours at the store and didn't have the help I needed from Woody or anyone else to keep up with the kind of maintenance that is required in that wet hostile environment.It was all we could do to keep food on the table and the creditors at bay...The neighbors were hostile, the churches we tried unwelcomming... From mold to foot long venomous centipedes to the flying cockroaches it was a constant battle. I felt the house resisted my efforts at every level just as Hawaii resisted our becoming truly a part of her fabric of life there. I let go of that home and that life with few regrets other than the pain of losing the intimate touch one has with the spirit of Hawaii when you actually live there...if you are open to it. I joined the Hawaiian Diaspora and like so many others long for a day when I can return even to visit...

my dream house in the trees Hale Pau'Hana Huakai Bella Vista NW Arkansas


Coming to Arkansas was a prayer to God of "let me come home and settle, be a wife, join a church become a part of the fabric of life here and live happily everafter..."I thought that I had a commitment from Woody for that exact thing...that I could be a wife and homemaker. As we renovated the house I was ablle to incorporate details that I love ... It reflects a lot of my personality and my desire to make this house cosy, warm and hospitable. I had big dreams but they didnt last long. I have never completely unpacked from the voyage accross the seas. I took a job that I thought would inspire a similar effort from my husband, and as my readers know that has not been the case. The house I named Hale Pau'ana Huakai (home after the long journey)but the journey has not ended. I have struggled with my husband over expectations that while resonable, he can never meet. Because I am always working and have had little free time, I havent been able to really settle in and make this place my own. My home has not ceased to look like a moving and storage facility even though we have gone through nearly every box. When we chose to take separate bedrooms I moved all of my home office and library into the master bedroom creating a crowded cluttered space that screams "failure" everytime I walk into it. The bed is new and very comfortable but I get no rest. I feel like I am sleeping in the stacks of a library. Since returning home from Louisville I have developed an allergy to the cats that is severe and requires that they stay out of my space. I am effectively cut off from the rest of the house and live in my half for now.

The pile of apartments on the ninth green Legends of Indian Springs Louisville KY


I realized while I was in Louisville that by living in solitary less cluttered conditions I was more at peace and content. I knew that this would mean moving out on my own and leaving behind a large portion of my "things" I know this is the right thing to do for many reasons. first I lived quite happily without this stuff for seven months. That tells me a lot. Two I am ready to make a big change in style. I fell in love with a very modern sofa this week and realized that this is my chance to redecorate and do something new that fits my new outlook on life. On top of that Woody paid for 90 percent of our furniture and stuff so he should get to keep it.

I am looking at a lot of homes right now it is amazing to me how many are available with terms that are astounding to say the least. I started with a leasing company tha we first used when we arrived here. I contacted them on line and they ran my credit while in Louisville. I hope to find something in the next few weeks that will suit and I can get settled in soon. Woody is very supportive and has even gone out with me to look at properties and made sugestions. I find it strange that he would asist his runaway wife in finding a new nest but then I dont understand a lot of things about him and perhaps need to step back and think about this whole adventure of a life together. No blame attached. Just understanding.

Mark my counselor in Louisville asked me to look for small things that tell me about Woody and how he feels. I see them, from his brilliant attempt to clean up to his heroic drive to get me home from Louisville and trying this past week to be sweet and good as I try to find my bearings here in Bella Vista. I am constantly reminded that home is where the heart is... I need to find my heart...somewhere I lost it in all of this moving around

Labels: Bella Vista, Family History, Hawaii, Kentucky, Louisville, Marriage

November 06, 2008

Landfall

Brilliant Country near Louisville KY


my final week in Louisville was really good. Woody came in on a mid-day flight and we spent a few days together in the apartment. We also drove out to the Overlook Resturant, near Levenworth Indiana for an early dinner one afternoon, and a long drive to and from the resturant through the countryside where the leaves were shining in the brightest colors of the Fall. It was pretty romantic, a thought not lost on me...Perhaps it was my way to say good bye to a place that I have fallen totally in love with.

The final two days were hectic and at times down right crazy. I dont know if I was procrastinating because I find the whole packing and moving thing crazy making or rather that I just feared what I would find when I got home. There was this increasing sense of dread....

Then there was my stuff... I am a professional loader of stuff. I used to be able to look at a pile of stuff and say "that is x amount of cubic feet and will fit in x size trailer". Not so anymore. We were loading up my boxes of stuff into my van and realized that it wasnt going to work. So off to UPS and we pack and shipped 10 cartons off to Bella Vista. OK right on...But that wasnt the end of it.

I cant believe my stuff. We packed carton after carton and it kept mounding up. I also had a wrought iron patio set that we strapped up on top of my van's roof. I realized that I hadnt set aside room for Annabelle's crate. Off to UPS again and this time eight more boxes were shipped. I put the crate into the van and stuffed it with more cartons. I barely had the room for the remainder and shut the doors on the van ...it was like Mcgee's Closet you didnt dare reopen the door. I had this sinking feeling that I left something important behind, but I didnt dare check... I just had to trust that all was in order

We had planned to pull out by noon it was four pm when we pulled out. Woody drove, so I could watch as Louisville, gleaming in the afternoon sun passed by and on over the emerald Ohio and into Indiana...I cried, I didnt think it would hurt like this but it does.

Because Annabelle has grown so much, she didnt fit in her travel crate very well, so she rode on my lap. She was as enthralled with the beautiful countryside as I was...mile after mile we watched as fields and farms passed by...farmers getting into barns the last of their crop before darkness fell and the weather turned. Tractors pulling loads down the highway seemed to surprise her... all of the lights wizzing by... then the muted darkness. The rocking motion of the car soothed us both I think. She has never been a lap doggie, but she rode on my lap until we arrived in St Louis, where due to the traffic I thought it best and safer that she get into her travel crate and sleep untill we arrived home.

It grew cold and I had her favorite blanket with me and wrapped us up into it. After Bella settled into her crate I kept it around me and slept on and off it had been a rough week for me. I had a cold and hadnt slept well...Woody continued to drive and we did some talking in between. Serious talking. I found to my surprise that I may have misjudged him. I dont understand why he does what he does and why he feels what he feels but there seems to be no malace. He seems to be at a place where he wants to be alone as well. We agreed to keep trying, as we had all week, to be civil and not get into each other's face too much. We had come to an agreement on subdividing the house, my living with Annabelle in the mastersuite and the lanai...where I spend most of my time anyway. and Woody and the cats in the rest of the house. They had been in this space all while I was gone and it seems to work for them.We, Bella and I feel a touch cramped as we are used to having the run of a whole apartment but that may be changing in the near future so we shall see how things go.

Woody was a hero and drove 10 hours straight through stopping for gas twice and a quick bite. We rolled in and made Landfall at 2 am Nov 1.I was home or rather I arrived at a place that I have lived before

I dont feel like I am home. There are many reasons for this, most of my own making. But this is my house and I slept in my own bed that night. Annabelle marched into the Master Bath where her crate is housed and wanted in for the night she slept like a stone and seems to have fallen into her old routine like a trooper.

The messy house that I left was clean as though 100 cleaning faries came and did a lot of hard work. Woody again had given it his best shot and did a very credible job. He feels he can maintain it. I hope so. Since we have been home I have seen a great deal of domestic activity on his part, from trying to clear the monumental amount of leaves to changing a shower head on his own with no help from me. I am trying not to instruct or direct on this but am standing back and letting him do things failing if need be and asking for help if he needs it from the other men in the neighborhood... To me this is how it should be. I have tried to hurry and deal with the 18 cartons from Louisville as well as all of the stuff in the van. Its nearly all put away and while I had to unpack some stuff I have chosen to leave a bunch packed up for the future as I am looking at homes to move into in the next few months, allowing us to have our separate residences again.

I have had moments where I have felt like a disembodied spirit, and other times like my time in Louisville was just a dream. Truthfully there were times that were better than I could write about here and many others that were worse. Now the time has come for me to bring it on and show the world what I learned from Charlie Conner and others. The Contractor has been called in and I should be building out soon. I cant wait to get going on my business

As I said I hit the ground running looking for places to move to and I now have three so far that look very promising, one a lease option house, one a town house near the Methodist church that the owner will finance and has offered terms, and the third is a stone's throw from the shop and is a perfect house for me. We are waiting to see if the owner will finance with no down or low down, as his price is above market but its been vacant for two years and he wants to be done with it...Everything is negotiable. I have a half dozen realators looking for me so we shall see.

I have made Landfall. The landing was hard and a touch painful, but I have felt more and more at home. From the warm welcome back from my neighbors to the heartfelt hugs at my church where I went to vote this week in the election, I feel like the sailor home from the sea...the soilder home from the war and for me the prodigal returned from the Far Country of the Bluegrass...home to face the challenges of a new life in the making. No regrets only challenges to face...and why do we do it? because its the hardest thing we can do...

Labels: Annabelle, Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Bella Vista, Business start up, Conner School, IN, Louisville, Marriage, Scenic Arkansas, Woody

October 24, 2008

The Retreat

The nave of the Arch abbey church of St. Meinrads Arch Abbey St. Mienrad Indiana. The hub of Benedictine spirituality in the United States, this combination monastery and seminary is a 150 year old experiment in community living. The Abbey Church with its splendid mural of Jesus the Pan creator is stunning. I have enjoyed coming here for the day and participating in the noon worship services here

From Conjectures of A Guilty Bystander, By Thomas Merton,OCSO (1966):

In Louisville, at the corner of Fourth and Walnut, in the center of the shopping district, I was suddenly overwhelmed with the realization that I loved all those people, that they were mine and I theirs, that we could not be alien to one another even though we were total strangers. It was like waking from a dream of separateness, of spurious self-isolation in a special world, the world of renunciation and supposed holiness. The whole illusion of a separate holy existence is a dream. Not that I question the reality of my vocation, or of my monastic life: but the conception of "separation from the world" that we have in the monastery too easily presents itself as a complete illusion: the illusion that by making vows we become a different species of being, pseudo-angels, "spiritual men," men of interior life, what have you.

Certainly these traditional values are very real, but their reality is not of an order outside everyday existence in a contingent world, nor does it entitle one to despise the secular: though "out of the world," we are in the same world as everybody else, the world of the bomb, the world of race hatred, the world of technology, the world of mass media, big business, revolution, and all the rest. We take a different attitude to all these things, for we belong to God. Yet so does everybody else belong to God. We just happen to be conscious of it, and to make a profession out of this consciousness. But does that entitle us to consider ourselves different, or even better, than others? The whole idea is preposterous.

This sense of liberation from an illusory difference was such a relief and such a joy to me that I almost laughed out loud. And I suppose my happiness could have taken form in the words: "Thank God, thank God that I am like other men, that I am only a man among others." To think that for sixteen or seventeen years I have been taking seriously this pure illusion that is implicit in so much of our monastic thinking.

It is a glorious destiny to be a member of the human race, though it is a race dedicated to many absurdities and one which makes many terrible mistakes: yet, with all that, God Himself gloried in becoming a member of the human race. A member of the human race! To think that such a commonplace realization should suddenly seem like news that one holds the winning ticket in a cosmic sweepstakes.

I have the immense joy of being man, a member of a race in which God Himself became incarnate. As if the sorrows and stupidities of the human condition could overwhelm me, now that I realize what we all are. And if only everybody could realize this! But it cannot be explained. There is no way of telling people that they are all walking around shining like the sun.


This changes nothing in the sense and value of my solitude, for it is in fact the function of solitude to make one realize such things with a clarity that would be impossible to anyone completely immersed in the other cares, the other illusions, and all the automatism's of a tightly collective existence. My solitude, however, is not my own, for I see now how much it belongs to them—and that I have a responsibility for it in their regard, not just in my own. It is because I am one with them that I owe it to them to be alone, and when I am alone, they are not "they" but my own self. There are no strangers!

Then it was as if I suddenly saw the secret beauty of their hearts, the depths of their hearts where neither sin nor desire nor self-knowledge can reach, the core of their reality, the person that each one is in God’s eyes. If only they could all see themselves as they really are. If only we could see each other that way all the time. There would be no more war, no more hatred, no more cruelty, no more greed…I suppose the big problem would be that we would fall down and worship each other. But this cannot be seen, only believed and "understood" by a peculiar gift.

Again, that expression, le point vierge, (I cannot translate it) comes in here. At the center of our being is a point of nothingness which is untouched by sin and by illusion, a point of pure truth, a point or spark which belongs entirely to God, which is never at our disposal, from which God disposes of our lives, which is inaccessible to the fantasies of our own mind or the brutalities of our own will. This little point of nothingness and of absolute poverty is the pure glory of God in us. It is, so to speak, His name written in us, as our poverty, as our indigence, as our dependence, as our sonship. It is like a pure diamond, blazing with the invisible light of heaven. It is in everybody, and if we could see it we would see these billions of points of light coming together in the face and blaze of a sun that would make all the darkness and cruelty of life vanish completely…. I have no program for this seeing. It is only given. But the gate of heaven is everywhere. **



** Conjectures of A Guilty Bystander. Garden City, New York: Doubleday & Company, Inc., 1966. 140-142. Reprinted with permission of the publisher and of the Merton
Legacy Trust.

This changes nothing in the sense and value of my solitude, for it is in fact the function of solitude to make one realize such things with a clarity that would be impossible to anyone completely immersed in the other cares, the other illusions, and all the automatisms of a tightly collective existence. My solitude, however, is not my own, for I see now how much it belongs to them—and that I have a responsibility for it in their regard, not just in my own. It is because I am one with them that I owe it to them to be alone, and when I am alone, they are not "they" but my own self. There are no strangers!

This paragraph from Merton's "Louisville Epiphany" likely the most famous piece written about the city, struck me firmly... I feel this way about this city that has taken me into its self. I have made friends here and connected here in ways that have not happened in any other place I have ever lived... They don't call this the "City of Hospitality" for nothing. I have met so many people and without exception they have been wonderfully cordial and gracious. I wouldn't hesitate to recommend the city as a great place to visit for vacation or to relocate

My greatest regret is not spending enough time in the city its self. I was downtown with a friend from Watkins church last Saturday...she had free tickets to the Imax there in the Science Museum then had lunch at the very cool Lynn's Paradise Cafe...(I think we saw Bobby Flay there but Im not sure). I didnt make a huge effort truthfully because I was so taken with the countryside and loved my country drives and I was being careful socially.... It wouldnt do for me to meet someone that I couldnt live without... Maybe someday I can come back for an extended visit and I can explore more of the city

I have been hugely busy working at home on the business, there are hours of listening to David Geller on how his programs work, I have been packing and am nearly done. I have left out what I will need for the next week but soon it will all be whisked into a carton and onward home to the Ozarks.

I have been amazed at how things have sort of pulled together in the last two weeks. My time with my therapist has yielded some interesting fruit with regard to my issues with anger. I have spent a lot of time praying about my relationship with Woody and how I can better cope with the irrational behaviour that seems to make me sink into irrationality. Woody does things that make no sense to me and that have very large implications for my future. Woody doesnt understand this of course and even as we were planning his arrival here a situation came up that was a real problem for me and he did get that it was a problem after a while but it was a stretch for him. I cant turn off my feelings and his lack of concern for consequences of his actions make it unlikely that anything will change...

The stress that I felt at this potentially damaging issue and my inability to have any control over what happened stressed me out to the point of misery. I am unable to just let it go. I have had a life time of people taking advantage of me and my situation and I am fed up and not going to allow it anymore. Yes some things are unavoidable, and yes to be concerned over every little detail of life is a touch over the top... but for some one who became self directed only 20 years ago...( I was so mentally ill I couldnt plan a menu or make a grocery list and follow it through) every time I can take care of myself in the face of someone that wants my life to be crazy is a triumph...


Mark asked me to watch out for the smallest thing that shows me that Woody wants to change and grow...I will watch... and try to keep an open mind...

I drove up to St. Meinrads a few days ago...and I have spent a lot of time these past few months looking inward. This has been a sort of retreat, a rather extended one for sure. I know that I learned a lot of things about myself many things not recorded here. I was profoundly effected by being self directed self contained and leaning on God for direction and not having to dwell to much on the needs of another. This sadly shows me that I have failed in community living and hope to work on being positive and work towards my own goals.

I will never have enough positives to say about the people that I interacted with and befriended during this time. Even the neighbors in the development gave me food for thought. I will miss the peace and quiet and the sound of my own soul. I fear that I will lose myself again once I go home. I pray rather that this personal retreat will extend its self.

Labels: Dreams, Kentucky, Louisville, Woody

October 18, 2008

...Its Way Past Midnight....

Aloha, the state of mind that surrounds you when you are in love with your best friend. My kitties...maybe now Woody's kitties Makoa and KaNani sweetly sleeping...

a journal entry...

...there is a stillness in the apartment that amazes me considering I am surrounded by 50 other humans living in this building.I never hear anyone else... One of the joys of living here is the profound respect they all have for each other's space. I am free to listen to music or to silence... to play with Bella, cuddle her in my lap...Take her for long walks on sidewalks and golfcart paths...It kills me that I am doing things here that I love and likely wont be able to do at home. I am leaving this light bright and airy space for a cold dirty cramped house that I will be sharing with two cats and a human that will not want me there.

I am feeling very lonely and sad tonight. Leaving Louisville is surrounding me like a suffocating blanket. I went to church tonight and realized in 15 days I wont ever see these people again. It kills me. I have made more real friends at the church here that want more than to just converse on sunday...felt more accepted. One of the reasons I think is not having Woody around, not that hes unfriendly but I think I hang with a younger crowd when hes not with me... I dont know

I have been mulling over today's counseling appointment. My counselor has been trying to get me to see a couple of points. 1. that God is for me..(Zephhaniah 3:17)
2. my anger over my life is unproductive and sinful.(more scripture than I am able to list...) I havent been able to deal with it in a way that seems pleasing to God, my life has suffered because of this. I know that he is right about this in the sense that according to the Bible I havent been able to handle the pain of this relationship in the most Godly fashion...but I have run out of...I have nothing left to give. Woody knows this... that is why hed rather that I didnt come home.

Im not sure if anyone wants me home. I have had a few contacts from people over these past seven months. My neigbors stopped calling me. Its been 6 months since I have heard from anyone at Methodist Church... The RCIA director called once from St Bernards and I have been in communication with my Cannon Lawyer...my annulment of my marriage to The Engineer is progressing. By the time its done I will likely need to get one for my marriage to Woody... I will never get to the altar for the sacrament at this rate I will spend the rest of my natural life in Magisterial Purgatory...

My partner from the Nightshift at Thisplace has done very well since my departure we had a long conversation the other night... and I have gotten email from her. My landlord called wanting to know when I was starting up as he has a pile of jewelry he wants fixed...

Soon I will have to leave my Haven on the Green and return to the real world where some huge challenges await me... Im going to have to "Bring It" on a lot of levels...the prospect leaves me in a cold sweat...

Labels: Annabelle, Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Business start up, Catholic, Kentucky, Louisville, Marriage, Pen Pals

October 11, 2008

Highways and Byways

Horse Fences and Sailboats, the sweet life in Prospect KY

I had a hard time titling this post. I have had another week of incredible sweetness tempered by the bitterness of the loses financial and personal, but only material things these are. I am constantly reminded that God is good and my intrests are at the forefront of His heart. This is a very hard thing for me to focus on as for most yea all of my life it has been the others in my life that have received much of the good and I the short end of the stick. this past seven months has been while not an easy time for me, a time to sit back and enjoy a respite and feel like the good is pouring into my life I shall ever be grateful for it.

Fields of Gold, fallow pasture and an abandoned tobacco barn or shed... near Owenton KY


I have been working hard on the business making calls and re thinking the whole thing. I redid the layout incorporating the many sugestions that I received from various sources and now have something that more resembles a jewelry store. With the huge hits that retirees have taken this week on their portfolios there have been questions about if I should open up at all. One of Woody's stockbroker friends said that if I opened today I would be shut down and out of money in six months. He could be right. If I was only dependent on the retirees patronage,

Bella vista is not all seinors anymore, of the total population 78 percent still work and 65 percent are under the age of 55. So I think that the pensioner issue isnt as important. I had yet again another lady from the area tell me that she has work for me to do, will I be open for Christmas? I hope so.

I have figured out what the barest minimum amount of buildout I would need to be functional, it only takes half of the money that I have left. Squeeking by I can do this, but barely, its going to be hard.


Autumn Pastures, Trimble County KY


I took Annabelle for a playdate at her groomer this week. she loves little dog day...A day when the groomer has only toy dogs for boarding and grooming. Margerite calls me and I run her over there. She also gets a "fluff and fold" and this time one of the girls painted her nails a pretty racy red...

With the baby looked after,I then took a long drive down Hwy 22 to Owenton, KY. Its a beautiful rural area full of horse farms and tobacco fields. We had gotten some much needed rainfall earlier in the week and the moisture washed the air making it feel smooth and less dusty. Because it was so nice, horses; mares and their foals were turned out into newly greened pastures and were playing racing around. I would stop and take photos of the leaves turning brilliant red, of the green fields contrasting with the black tobacco barns, and the golden leaves curing inside. I hate the way this plant kills people, but nothing is sweeter smelling than a cart of the freshly cut leaves that have been bundled up and are being trundled up out of the fields pulled behind a tractor or in the case of the Amish farms I passed, a pair of Belgian draft horses as golden blonde as the harvest they were hauling up to the rows of curing barns...

Tobacco Barn Henry County KY

The sun has a mystical quality about it at this time of year. It sheds a golden glow on the earth as it passes in the hours of the day. Green seems greener and blue seems even brighter blue. The Ohio River placid and low was a serene blue reflecting the few little clouds as they passed by... The sunlight cause the wavelets turned up by a passing barge to sparkle as thought they had been sprinkled with a glittering dash of starlight. Its as magical as a place and time get. Perhaps its my romantic soul saving up moments against the future that might not be so pleasent.

I have taken drives nearly every day this week which has slowed down the process a bit as far as working on the shop, but it has been so fun to find places that I havent seen up till now.

One bit of drama. I had left my ring that I cast at Conners with JC Inc the people that I met with last week that will be coming along side to help me. This ring I had carved and cast in 14kt clean scrap (yes you can use scrap gold for casting a new peice with the use of a bit of fresh karat gold and some chemicals with a high enough heat, I didnt know this until I did it myself...) I struggled with setting the stone that I set because the setting head was crooked and the stone was way out of make. Charlie offered no help as the oval was not in his program and he was bugged that I often went on with what I felt I needed to do regardless of his lack of teaching. Sadly I needed to learn this to prepare to take the JA test, and my poor showing on this was one of the reasons that I didnt press on with this program

Anyway I destroyed the old head that I had cast in the ring trying to get the slightly too large stone into a space that was higher on one side than the other. I have a lot of work to get this right but in the mean time I needed to give JC a chance to show me how they worked so I left the ring to be set with a new head that I had bought and a lovely white spinel that sparkles like a diamond.

When I didnt see the package by tuesday I was a bit concerned, but weds and thursday I was a bit distracted. By friday I was frantic. I got the UPS tracking and found out that the package had been delivered to a wrong address with in the development and the drive had put the managers name down as the signee and she wasnt even in that day. We had a mad scramble in the managers office turning the place upside down, still nothing.

I filed a report with UPS and spent a night wondering if I would be happy with a remade ring. No What really worryed me was that the people that I thought would save me with my shop had let me down on the first go round. How would I deal with my clients if this was their precious thing... I got sick in the bathroom and answered an ad on a online job site for a new call center in Bentonville fearing that all was lost...

Well in a bin of mail to be returned was the UPS package. It had been mis-adressed and my name was not on the label, so no one knew who to give the little box to. As I pulled the ring out of the wrapping tissue I felt not only a huge sense of relief that the lost was found but that the folks at JC hadnt let me down. I may still need to take that job for a bit, we shall see how things are in Arkansas with the economy, but I know that I will get my shop open eventually...

In the mean time I have this little reminder that I can do it...with a little help from my friends...

The symbol of a new future, The lost and found ring...

Labels: Annabelle, Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Bella Vista, Business start up, Conner School, Kentucky, Louisville

October 03, 2008

The Bend In The River

The bend in the mighty Ohio near Warsaw KY

The weather doesnt get much better than it has been these last few days. Brilliant blue skies and cool nights with warm sunny days. My walks with Annabelle in the mid mornings are the higlight of my days. I will be able to walk her at home but there are not the blocks and block of sidewalks and the golf cart paths that surround Indian Springs. I will have a hilly gravel strew road that is more difficult and the least bit of wet weather makes them impossible for me and my long coated little friend. But this is the way we need to go at least for now.

I have been working on my business plan several hours a day. My new computer is great and I ordered my accounting softwear from industry business guru David Geller. He asked me a lot of very pointed questions one of them being, what was I going to do about all of the various types of work that I am not able to do on my own...such as work in platinum a highly specialized side of the trade that requires a compleatly separate set up, or unusual antiques that require knowlegable handling. David directed me to a firm located near Cincinatti. I drove up there this week.

I was warmly received by the CEO of what may be the largest Trade Shop I have ever heard of. Over 100 jewelers and related trades people doing work for jewelry stores from accross the country. I saw detailed security measures and an operation that seemed to me to be efficient and very very professional. I should have no misgivings about sending them any work I cant handle on my own.

I told the new accounts rep that "if I looked like a woman that has been given her life back... I am." Truth is my dream was headed for a brick wall. The people I met with said that I was a bold person to continue with my quest in the face of the Conner's debacle and the fact that no one with so little experience could be expected to do what I want to do well at this point in their carrer. It would be like having a first year piano student play Beethoven's Piano Concerto with the LA Philharmonic Orchestra. Its not my fault that I am where I am I just need to practice and expand my abilities, this will allow me to do that while opening my business and starting the cash flow forward.

This has changed the direction of my business plan. Rather than focus on just repair and not take custom work,I am going to focus on custom orders, and to do that I need to build out and make the shop look good so people will have confidence in spending their hard won money there. My casting finishing and setting skills are good so I feel good about the plan. I can buy waxes very cheaply and if the customer brings their own gold or silver I can do a special order rather inexpensively for the customer yet have a generous margin to support myself... I wont get rich, but I will be independent and that is what I am looking for.

Many people have asked me if I though that with the recent economic turmoil did I think that this was really the time to start a business. I think its the best time. With business down vendors are more willing to come down on prices and work hard to earn my business and my trust. My future customers want to fix their precious things because buying new is too expensive. Also when times are hard sentiment becomes more important. Grandma's wedding ring becomes the ring given to her grandson's new bride, or family jewelry or watches are refirbished and become cherished gifts.

What many people dont realize is that jewelers and jewelry stores thrived during the Great Depression and WWII. Oh, things were not as extravigant as perhaps things are now. But the bread and butter of any shop is the same today as it was 75 years ago. Nice gifts, that celebrated special occasions... milestones in peoples lives. Wedding jewelry, Anniversary gifts and up until the advent of the specialty/Big Box/Discounter, "Table Top" China, Silver, and Crystalware... My mother told me of what an event it was in her family when she as a high school seinor went to the local jewelry store and registered her patterns and had lunch with her mother. A rite of passage we dont have today. She never got one of those peices, but I still have the tiny silver serving spoon pin she received as a gift....

Many of the super jewelers of today got their start as small family shops founded prior or just after WWII. Talk about a struggle! Every store that I have had the privilege to spend a lot of time in has a story that tells of risk taking and courage... and yes a bit of sacrifice for the family, but it was worth it and I am willing to take on the challenge, to gain the independence that I feel I need to be the person God means me to be.

There will be bends in the river...places where I cant see the way before me. I am trying to learn to trust God every step of the way. He makes a way for me everytime, just in time in ways I never expect.




The Great Stream The Ohio River near Warsaw KY

Labels: Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Business start up, IN, Kentucky, Louisville