April 04, 2010

The Greatest Gift

The Table of Our Lord, the Altar of St Francis of Rome Church Clifton, Louisville KY

The eternal spring is hidden
in this living bread for our life's sake,
although it is night.
It is here calling out to creatures;
and they satisfy their thirst,
although in darkness,
because it is night.
This living spring that I long for,
I see in this bread of life,
although it is night.
- St. John of the Cross


"The Bread that we need each day to grow in eternal life, makes of our will a docile instrument of the Divine Will; sets the Kingdom of God within us; gives us pure lips, and a pure heart with which to glorify his holy name, "
- Edith Stein

"Were it not for the constant presence of our divine Master in our humble chapel, I would not have found it possible to persevere in sharing the lot of the lepers in Molokai...The Eucharist is the bread that gives strength... It is at once the most eloquent proof of His love and the most powerful means of fostering His love in us. He gives Himself every day so that our hearts as burning coals may set afire the hearts of the faithful,"
- Blessed Fr. Damien, Apostle of the Lepers


"Let us go with confidence to the throne of grace that we may obtain mercy and find grace,"
- (Heb. 4:16)

Father, now Saint Damien Molokai’i ae, is one of the two holy people that have gone before me, that I have selected to be my patrons. The other is Edith Stein, in religion Teresa Benedicta a Cruse, a Jewess who converted to Christianity then after ten years of teaching was received into the Carmelite Order. St. Damien died of leprosy contracted in conjunction with his ministry. St. Edith was murdered for simply being of a certain race. The communion of Saints has always been a reality for me. I never believed that those that die are not alive. They are living on another plane, another dimension. And that they are there for us

I have been asked by many “Why would you change your faith or your religion at this time of your life?...” “ What was it that drew you to this Church so full of controversies and contradictions…” A church that is daily reviled in the news, insulted in the press and scorned by many of my friends who left her angry confused and hurt… A church misunderstood, called stone age, irrelevant, woman hating, superstitious, filled with heresies, idolatry and untruth. None if this is true of course…

Was it the leading of John Michael Talbot, (who said to me recently that becoming a Roman Catholic made him a better Methodist. That by following Christ by studying the example of St. Francis of Assisi, he has become better conformed to Christ in the image of John Wesley…) or my Methodist minister friend,( who was supportive but I think perplexed…). Both have been called by one angry friend “false prophets” but they have had little to do with this journey. They have encouraged me but not pushed me in any direction.

Was it the long period of no church attendance, then the plunge into a liturgical experience over the past few years? Was it my own disgust at the way praise and worship has become top 40 songs that make Jesus sound like He is your girlfriend, and worship leaders treated like rock stars…or how the “Bible” church go-ers have become modern day Pharisees, judgmental overfed sheep that cant make their way out of the feedlot of their churches into the world that sorely needs what they have been so carefully taught!... Is it the incredible narrowness that I have seen in fundamentalist congregations or the outrageousness of some Pentecostal gatherings where people growled like dogs, and flopped on the floor in a crazed abandon, spouting nonsense.

"What Christ gives us is quite explicit if his own words are interpreted according to their Aramaic meaning. The expression 'This is my Body' means this is myself"
Karl Rahner

In fact it was the Calvary Chapels, the verse by verse exposition of the scriptures and the mantra of their founder Chuck Smith…”Read the Word-What does it say?” that propelled me in an all out search for the Truth. It was 10 years ago, as I was reading Kathleen Norris’s “ Amazing Grace, A Vocabulary of Faith” that I decided to look at what Catholics believed and why they are viewed differently than any other “brand” of Christianity. I read two passages of scripture below with “Catholic” eyes... That study totally rocked my theological worldview

John 6:48-69
I am the bread of life. Your fathers ate the manna in the wilderness, and they died. This is the bread that comes down from heaven, so that one may eat of it and not die. I am the living bread that came down from heaven. If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever. And the bread that I will give for the life of the world is my flesh.”
The Jews then disputed among themselves, saying, “How can this man give us his flesh to eat?” So Jesus said to them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day. For my flesh is true food, and my blood is true drink. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood abides in me, and I in him. As the living Father sent me, and I live because of the Father, so whoever feeds on me, he also will live because of me. This is the bread that came down from heaven, not as the fathers ate and died. Whoever feeds on this bread will live forever.” Jesus said these things in the synagogue, as he taught at Capernaum.
When many of his disciples heard it, they said, “This is a hard saying; who can listen to it?” But Jesus, knowing in himself that his disciples were grumbling about this, said to them, “Do you take offense at this? Then what if you were to see the Son of Man ascending to where he was before? It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh is of no avail. The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life. But there are some of you who do not believe.” (For Jesus knew from the beginning who those were who did not believe, and who it was who would betray him.) And he said, “This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless it is granted him by the Father.”
After this many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with him. So Jesus said to the Twelve, “Do you want to go away as well?” Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.”

James 5:14-16
Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

These scriptures are explicit in their clarity. I have read commentary and discussed these with a number of learned people and I am convinced that they are literal and to the point. That Jesus, was saying that He himself would become a Spiritual Food somehow…and that I was to confess to a human and that I would be forgiven…. I am no scholar no theologian, but what the Bible said was what the Church teaches and has taught since the earliest times and this is what convinced me that the fullness of Christian life is to be found in the Roman Catholic Church.

You can be a Christian and not be Catholic, you will go to heaven if you have faith in Jesus, but if you want the fullness of historic Christian tradition, you aren’t going to find it in the feel good mega churches or by staring at a tree in your back yard… You will find it in the depths of the mystery of the Church founded by Christ Himself

Yes… there are many other things that lead me to “Cross the Tiber… I love the pageantry, the theater of the Mass, the many readings of scripture and the comfort of knowing that you are going to get what you get every time you go…But the two things among the many, Two Sacraments of Seven…. They were the clincher. I have written on one of them, Reconciliation and Absolution. The other is the Eucharist… The Real Presence… The Holy Communion that can only be found in Holy Mother Church and her daughters of Orthodox traditions... Sadly it cannot exist in the churches of the separated brethren that I have known all of my life. I am convinced that only consecrated priests that can trace their ordininal lineage back to the Apostles have the authority to consecrate the elements. Anything else is only a symbol, a symbolic ceremony that anyone can perform and if it treated that way, I have no problem with this, but in churches like the Methodist church where only a handful of its ministers have this traceable authority (for example,if there are any women in the line of ordination that will disqualify you for starters) this is a huge issue. There has to be authority, if there isnt then my puppy could confect the sacrament… My friends, if the Holy Sacrament is merely symbolic why should we care…this has been a question that I have asked myself for a long long time

"The Bread of heaven puts an end to symbols."
- Office for the Feast of Corpus Christi

I have seen communion services treated like picnics or free for alls that leave a huge mess on the floor. Yes I have also seen reverence and dignity, but I have also seen it done carelessly and with no thought to what is being said by the foolishness, Worse was seeing it done by rote week in and week out with no explanation. I have been in churches that don’t have communion but once a year, and I have seen Open Tables which are a mockery of scripture in 1 Corinthians 11:27-32

Whoever, therefore, eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty of profaning the body and blood of the Lord. Let a person examine himself, then, and so eat of the bread and drink of the cup. For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body eats and drinks judgment on himself. That is why many of you are weak and ill, and some have died. But if we judged ourselves truly, we would not be judged. But when we are judged by the Lord, we are disciplined so that we may not be condemned along with the world.

The Eucharist is for Believers not Seekers. Being a seeker is great I have been one for many years. I went forward and was "blessed" by different priests in different settings. I was not in the least embarrassed to be different. I want what God wants and political correctness for the sake of inclusion has no place here. We really need to get over this...

"The Blessed Sacrament is indeed the stimulus for us all, for me as it should be for you, to forsake all worldly ambitions. Without the constant presence of our Divine Master upon the altar in my poor chapels, I never could have persevered casting my lot with the lepers of Molokai; the foreseen consequence of which begins now to appear on my skin, and is felt throughout the body. Holy Communion being the daily bread of a priest, I feel myself happy, well pleased, and resigned in the rather exceptional circumstances in which it has pleased Divine Providence to put me."
- Blessed Fr. Damien, Apostle of the Lepers

The Eucharist is a gift to us here on earth. It is the way Christ would cement the living stones of His church together… a building up…a unifying factor…and I desired this Oneness with Our Lord so much. I knew that and while it was hard to wait I wanted something in my life that wasnt tainted by rushing or choosing my own way. I am so glad that I waited and that I was able to have a first true holy communion...

"Neither theological knowledge nor social action alone is enough to keep us in love with Christ unless both are proceeded by a personal encounter with Him. Theological insights are gained not only from between two covers of a book, but from two bent knees before an altar. The Holy Hour becomes like an oxygen tank to revive the breath of the Holy Spirit in the midst of the foul and fetid atmosphere of the world,"
- Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen


And so I began this long journey, Three Churches, Four Catechists, 12 years and 10,000 miles of wandering later, I stood before Msgr Scott and the congregation at St. Steven Church and said more "I do's" than I repeated at my two marriage ceremonies combined. I felt my forehead being signed three times and the heavy sweet scented chrism oil crossed on my forehead and temples...the same kind of oil used to anoint priests and because they are the head of the Church of England, the Kings and Queens of England as well. I am an anointed princess and a priest...a true daughter of God, and of His Church...

Then I heard my new name "Teresa Damien Molokai ea" and there was a roar in my ears and the sound of the drums striking the last note of a Mele or chant and the ensuing silence. I think the roar was voices... and Father said later when I shared this that they were the voices of those forgotten ones, those sent to the fires at the death camps by the Nazis, those lepers tossed off the ships into the raging Pacific off the coast of Molokai'i, too weak and sick to swim they would drown in the heavy surf. My patron saints cared for these people and in turn I will be cared for as well... The struggle of this part of my journey has ended. The Word of prophecy I received last Fall, that before the summer came, my hard journey would end, has come to pass... The final drumbeat signaled a new song was beginning.

“Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed…”
The final words said by the priest prior to the serving of the Eucharist….

I went forward for the Host and when Father placed it in my mouth, I stood there in a sort of amazed shock..."I have God in my mouth..." was all I could think, but as I tasted the precious blood for the first time I realized that this was different from any experience of Our Lord I have ever known, a closeness and a sweetness that is unsurpassed. I was high, on a different plane than when I walked into the church.
For me and for others that have experienced this celebration, it is a life changing moment. You are never the same again. I am free to worship where I will but the table of Our Lord is now open to me in any church anywhere in the world. I now have 1 Billion brothers and Sisters. The next week as I worshiped I felt the same spine tingle when I received my Lord and my God. When Jesus said he would be with us forever he really meant it physically forever, within us. I never understood the power of that . Christ more than a intellectual expression, more than theology, worship and service… Actually in my hands in my mouth, under my heart. It is my hope that my faith will grow stronger now that I have this tangible reality in my life. It is the Greatest Gift I have ever been given.

With thanks to
http://www.therealpresence.org/index.html

Confirmed Hokulea and Mgsr Scott

Labels: Catholic, Church, Current Events, Edith Stein, John Michael Talbot, Personal Growth, Quotable Quotes, RCIA, scripture, St Damien of Molokai

April 02, 2010

Father I Put My Life In You Hands ~ a meditation for Good Friday

the Cross...Little Portion Retreat Center Eureka Springs Ar


http://www.youtube.com/user/JesusOurSalvation#p/f/64/Z6TyEsgFzkw

Labels: Catholic, John Michael Talbot, Little Portion, Praise and Worship, YouTube

August 14, 2009

The Little Portion

The Gift of Living Water, A water Sculpture given to Little Portion Retreat Center Eureka Springs AR

God chose us before the world began, gave us unique talents and gifts, to bring glory to Himself, and these gifts uniquely fit us for the work He has for us. God is outside of time. He looked at this time and inserted us into the timeline. He brings everyone of us into the world for a specific purpose. We can work with Him, to cooperate in our own sanctification and the sanctification of others we come into contact with. That is our call, to be what God has called us to be, wherever we are, to bring glory to Him...
Johnette Benkovic the Abundant Life Show EWTN

I was mindful of this concept all week long as I spent quiet time with God, with a select group of individuals, and before the Blessed Sacrament, finding my place, my bearings after these tumultuous two years...for it has been two years since I set foot on MORE mountain near Eureka Springs....

I was contacted regarding a retreat based on a book written by John Michael Talbot, that was put together rather suddenly. No one had signed up to come to the previous weeks retreat, which is highly unusual, in fact this current weeks retreat has a waiting list. I replied that I couldn't afford to come, and the weeks lodging and retreat was gifted to me...

Dawn over the valley, and the city of Berryville AR


What a wonderful thing, a total blessing in every way. Not only a place, but a private room close to all of the action I could walk out onto a breezeway and flop on a deck chair and this was the view. Like a cruise ship on a hilltop. I so needed this time to just BE. So I found lodging for Miss Abi and drive the beautiful drive Weds afternoon up into the Ozark mountains, past the beautiful places that I have not seen in so long.

There were two priests, four pastors, including two UMC women pastors, and several people deeply involved with ministry,within their respective churches...but I learned a darker truth, that each and every person participating in this special weekend had a huge burden, from one of the ladies struggling with advancing MS...(she drove by herself from MA., three days driving alone in a van, that is determination, she knew she needed to be there)How about thes ladies from New Brunswick, Canada, who, because french is the first language for them, mistakenly bought tickets to Little Rock and took a cab from there to the retreat, 400.00 of cab fare... to a man who had his family removed from the home over a misunderstanding, a priest trying to decide if her should leave a community he has been a part of for a long time, or accept the challenge for finishing his ministry, yea his very life is a place he loves but has no community with... to a war vet struggling with many issues, and of course our speaker, John Michael Talbot, and the never ending struggle he has with money and red tape with regards to the rebuilding of the monestery, and the care of his flock... and myself, who perhaps has had, to them, a very long and painful ordeal, but much of it has gone undealt with until recently.We were all there for a healing , for a Word and for hope that God would hear us and come and meet us there.

My prayer was that I would learn to choose to not think about the past, it was to be a Woody and Mr. Wonderful free weekend. This was seconded by the retreat mistress, a manager/housemother/ladies spiritual advisor, who got me to confess my difficulties almost on arrival. She agreed to hold me accountable. She would ask me quietly about it during the six days... I also made a big discision that affects my security but would prolong my relationship with him. That door effectively closed, I hope that God will honor that step of faith and my willingness to forgo the comfort of that "ace in the hole..."

I was marginally sucessful. I found during the course of the conversation that both of these people came up as they have been such a huge part of my life...but in my private moments I made every effort to banish thoughts of these two, to focus on myself and my relationship with God and those around me, and am ok with the results... Truth is this exercise has helped lessen the pain somewhat.

I also have a very limited amount of money and time left to find a job, or a vocation with a place to live. My vision was to try to get beyond the dollars and cents, and focus on the idea that I am God's child it is HIS responsibility to provide for me. I need to be willing to do what ever it takes to take advantage of what He provides

The Worship Leader John Michael Talbot leading worship at a session in Ressurection Chapel

The sessions were wonderful, we talked about who St. Francis was and what Franciscan spirituality is about. The basis of the retreat was his book The Lessons of St. Francis There was a session of Q and A and several meditation exercises that I found helpful. But truthfully I think I found the comraderae of fellow seekers, people that chose at the spur of the moment, to be there and take part in the gathering most helpful and supportive in this trying time in my life. I found myself enjoying everyone I met, and feeling like I am not alone in my feeling like I am living cornered in a no win situation. As I got to know these men and women in sharing meals and down time on the breezeway, in daily chanting of the Divine Mercy Chaplet, and other prayers, and suprisingly, in serving them. I realized that I was neither guest or member of the community but something else and put myself at the disposal of the Retreat Mistress, who had me setting up prayerbooks for the twice daily prayers of the Divine Office, which were better attended than I had ever seen at any other retreat I have attended.

Under Construction Charity Chapel rising from the ruins Little Portion Hermatage Berryville AR

Normally the high point of the retreat weekend is a trip to the Hermataige and a celebration of the Vigil Mass with the full community. I remember the first time I was a part of this, and was so totally blown away by the power and enthusiasm of the worship... mind you this is a Catholic Mass... I now anticipate this time with great expectation.

Because the community chapel is under reconstruction, the residents of the community drove up to the retreat center where we crowded into the Chapel of the Ressurection and fired up the Band ie John Michael. We did songs that I knew well and I just threw myself into the whole experience. The homily was given by by Father Phil a retreatant, and basically John Michael gave an altar call not just for a Christian recommitement but also a plug for those in attendance to consider affiliating with the community. He doesnt normally do this but as he said this group felt like a commuity from the first moments we were all together, it was so amazing... As one man shared with me...he had been seeking the love of a family his whole life...he felt like he had found it there at Little Portion... I think he is right. We witnessed a tremendous move of the Spirit including a healing work where one of the Domestic Sisters who has a gift of healing started to move through the group laying hands on us, and as she prayed many of us knew the secrets of some of the others as we had prayed privately together, but Sister knew and the healing work was manifest and I can vouch for the authenticity of the work. I feel much stronger and I am going to need this in the days to come


Giving a Blessing Fr Lambert Leyhorn OFM at 81 years young, off to bless the new Stations of the Cross at the retreat center. He is temporarily acting as spiritual leader of the community while discerning if he should move from San Antonio to Arkansas full time

I looked into John Michaels face, we had talked breifly earlier and other's had been encouraging me. I saw the face of hope in the midst of great uncertainty. I looked around me and saw hope "in the breaking of the Bread". I was challenged to offer to God everything I think is unworthy...my brokenness, my grief, the lonliness and longing for security... all of the trials that I know have passed through the hands of my Loving God, and go forward... and live in the little portion promised to me by my Father in Heaven.

I have made the decision to pursue full communion with the Church. I feel free to do that now. I also presented myself as a candidate for the postulancy of Domestic Expresion of the Brothers and Sisters of Charity. I will remain in my own home and join in when I can in the community activity. I will join a cell group here locally, and perhaps this will make up for my leaving the Emmaus group.For the long term this will bind me to a loving covenant community. I am excited about this and look forward to becomming more and more involved with this.

I have returned form the mountain, and already have run into serious difficulty in both personal and financial issues. Please pray for me and the other retreatants as we move into living out what we leaned in our time on the mountain.


The Bell Tower, where I often sat to pray and think

Labels: BSCD, Catholic, Faith, John Michael Talbot, Little Portion, Scenic Arkansas

August 02, 2009

Hebrews 12:1-2 ~ Pressing Forward

The Prayer Garden, at Little Portion Monestery, of the Brothers and Sisters of Charity, Berryville AR This garden was lost in the great fire of 2008 and will be replanted once the monestery is rebuilt


Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Labels: John Michael Talbot, Little Portion, Scenic Arkansas, scripture

April 26, 2009

1st Peter 1:2-13~ Great and Precious Promises

The Little Chapel of the Brothers and Sisters of Charity. Little Portion Monestery Berryville AR


May grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord.

His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence,

by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire.

For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge,

and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness,

and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love.

For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins.

Therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to make your calling and election sure, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall.

For in this way there will be richly provided for you an entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Therefore I intend always to remind you of these qualities, though you know them and are established in the truth that you have.

I think it right, as long as I am in this body,to stir you up by way of reminder,

since I know that the putting off of my body will be soon, as our Lord Jesus Christ made clear to me.

Labels: John Michael Talbot, Little Portion, Scenic Arkansas, scripture

December 22, 2008

I Wonder as I Wander ~ The Blue Christmas Journey

the journey of Christ. From His Mother's arms, as represented by the shrine of Our Lady of Einsiedeln just behind me to the Altar and the institution of the Eucharist, His Crucifixion and resurection and being lifted up as King of the Nations (the mural on the vault of the Nave of the church) The Church of Our Lady of Einsiedeln, St Meinrad's Archabbey, St Meinrad IN

Vague...vagueness emptiness dried up... those are good words to describe how you must feel while dealing with long term greif Pamela, the Chaplain at St Mary's hospital while leading a "Blue Christmas" workshop...

I went to our Church's Blue Christmas celebration on the 21st. Many Churches have this and I think its a great event and always go. This date is intentionally selected for this event as it is the darkest day of the year, for many people this is the darkest time of the year. A time that brings back memories both joyful and troubling. so rather than just pretending that everything is happy happy, its good to be able to come together with others that are struggling with the same feelings as you are. That Christmas isnt the light and bright time that the TV shows would make it out to be, but its hard for most people to keep Christmas the way they think it should be kept. For the Lonely lost , berieved and discouraged Christmas and all of the Holly Jolly can be a nightmare, with ever sight every smell a reminder of the lost loved one, the horrible Christmas's past, and the coming day with not a thing light and bright about it

We have had a number of deaths in the church recently ... some after long and painfull illness others quite suddenly. Many people have lost their retirement savings and dont know how they are going to survive. My situation is a touch unusual, but never the less a friend that lost her beloved husband a few weeks ago said that I too am a widow. My "husband" or my hope of having one in truth, died 13 years ago, and the man I am legaly contracted to is still breathing. What has died is the hope that anything will ever change. She burried her grief, mine is still walking around a living reminder of failure and personal grief and loss.

There were three widows, myself and our pastor there as well as the facilitator, a woman that I love so much, I wish that our paths would cross more often. The "workshop portion was pretty intense. the widows has losses to cry over... and our poor pastor has had a load to bear that has worried me for weeks and every fear I had for him was confirmed... you cant hold the hand of the dying then the living as you are presiding over the funeral 6-7 times since the start of Advent and not be affected. That sort of ministry bleeds you of inner resouces, and if you dont get a chance to recharge can do real damage to your spirit. He is so tired...It scared me...

Perhaps I was the least emotional of the 6 of us but only because the well is so dry I cant get much out anymore. I cried nearly every day while I was in Louisville. i wrote prodigiously and had good counsel. Leading worship was cathartic and I know that helps me. I tried I think in vain to describe my grief... Mark in Louisville told me that there seemed to be no sort of grief that I have not experienced. Dead parents , a dead child divorce dead dreams...suicides, abuse neglect and abandonment emotionally and physically. There is no person of significance that has not emotionally abandoned me at point of need.

I feel empty, lost confused and drained out. This year while I loved my time away and just living...I also lost my dreams, my strength of will is gone and I will need to figure out what God wants me to do.

Every one managed to get some of the pain out. We told our stories and cried more...
We ate together and talked about lighter topics then We had a service of readings and songs, Pastor David even played a John Michael Talbot tune, "On Eagles Wings" that I know well. but the one that got me was the theme of the evening

I Wonder as I Wander

I wonder as I wander out under the sky
How Jesus the Saviour did come for to die
For poor lonely people like you and like I;
I wonder as I wander out under the sky

When Mary birthed Jesus 'twas in a cow's stall
With wise men and farmers and shepherds and all
But high from God's heaven, a star's light did fall
And the promise of ages it then did recall.

If Jesus had wanted for any wee thing
A star in the sky or a bird on the wing
Or all of God's Angels in heaven to sing
He surely could have it, 'cause he was the King

(Words & Music John Jacob Niles)

Pastor David earlier in the day told me that he was praying for me as I journied thought the "wilderness of maybe" I am trying to live totally in the moment. One moment to the next and not trying to get ahead of God...I wonder as I wander... not sure of what the next thing will be only that God is with me...

Labels: Faith, IN, John Michael Talbot, Louisville

May 04, 2008

Psalm 17~You Have Tried My Heart

The Inner Courtyard of the Little Portion Monestery Prayer Garden. This area and the building in the background was destryed by fire this week. Berryville Arkansas

Psalm 17

A Prayer of David.

Hear a just cause, O Lord; attend to my cry!
Give ear to my prayer from lips free of deceit!
From your presence let my vindication come!
Let your eyes behold the right!

You have tried my heart, you have visited me by night,
you have tested me, and you will find nothing;
I have purposed that my mouth will not transgress.
With regard to the works of man, by the word of your lips
I have avoided the ways of the violent.
My steps have held fast to your paths;
my feet have not slipped.

I call upon you, for you will answer me, O God;
incline your ear to me; hear my words.
Wondrously show your steadfast love,
O Savior of those who seek refuge
from their adversaries at your right hand.

Keep me as the apple of your eye;
hide me in the shadow of your wings,
from the wicked who do me violence,
my deadly enemies who surround me.

They close their hearts to pity;
with their mouths they speak arrogantly.
They have now surrounded our steps;
they set their eyes to cast us to the ground.
He is like a lion eager to tear,
as a young lion lurking in ambush.

Arise, O Lord! Confront him, subdue him!
Deliver my soul from the wicked by your sword,
from men by your hand, O Lord,
from men of the world whose portion is in this life.
You fill their womb with treasure;
they are satisfied with children,
and they leave their abundance to their infants.

As for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness;
when I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness.

Labels: John Michael Talbot, Little Portion, Scenic Arkansas, scripture

May 01, 2008

Through the Fire

The beautiful Charity Chapel,Little Portion Hermatage, Berryville AR

I dont get emails from John Michael Talbot often, and only a handful that were not a part of a greater distribution, So I was surprised to see on in my inbox. He was to be on tour until summer, so it was unexpected

John Michael Talbot

the message was worse

From JMT - Written on Tuesday, April 29,2008

Dear Hokulea,

Last night the sleep of the Brothers and Sisters of Charity, Monastic, was interrupted close to midnight as a raging fire burned our Chapel and Common Center to the ground. Viola and I were the first on the scene as I saw the orange/red glow through our hermitage's back windows. Upon arriving we found there were no hoses capable of stopping the raging flames. I ran up the hill and woke up the community, and we started the almost futile task of spraying down the part of the Common Center that had not yet burned and retrieving anything from inside we could still find.

A Photo of the Chapel and Commons going up in flames. the loss is devestating

He went on to say that the Chapel, Refectory, Library and offices for the various ministries as well as Troubadour For The Lord Records and its inventory were a total loss. However praise be to God that while there is smoke injuries No one was killed or injured. They are so far up in the hills that it took the fire dept nearly 30 minutes to respond to the fire and sadly the community was not prepared for a fire like this.


The bell tower of the now destroyed Charity Chapel Little Portion Monestery, Berryville AR

I am praying for these dear people who mean the world to me. JMT said to me at the last retreat as we were sharing a meal that he really wanted to focus on the Community in the comming years, That he has loved every minute of his 50 years of performing recording and playing music, it wasnt the thing he knew God was doing in his life anymore full time. How interestng that all of the awards, trophies, memorabelia, photos and archives of the past 30 years vanished in an hour. This man who would tell you he owns nothing and cares only for the people God has entrusted to his leadership, has seen a devastating personal loss of stuff, but perhaps a freeing up to do more. For example, the community has been concerned for years about the wooden buildings, and have slowly as funds allowed rebuilt in durable stone more in keeping with the enviroment here. The fire has been ruled accidental and there was proper insurance. They can rebuild more quicklly this way but it was a painful way to get to this point.

If anyone is interested in donating to the building fund you can click herethis takes you to Troubadour For The Lord ministies website and is secure. Thank you for your prayers and intrest weather you give or not

This is a community that has weathered many storms, has stood through controversy and misunderstanding and even distain. JMT has seen it all and as I have said before that one of the many reasons I have admired him for much of my life is that "he walks the talk..." .Perhaps this latest trial is yet another way to show the world this radiacal way to love God and to live out that love totally by serving others. When I get discouraged, I will remeber this, and through the fires of our lives with the help of God we will see it through to the end...

.With a Little Help From our friends... receiving a gift from the brothers of Subiaco Monestery, The Monastic Brothers and Sisters of Charity,( yes including the kids!)Berryville AR

Labels: Breaking News, Catholic, Faith, John Michael Talbot, Little Portion

September 04, 2007

Summer Twilight

Let's Have A Picnic, Tanyard Creek Park Bella Vista Arkansas

Its officially the end of summer, here in the Ozarks. Kids have been back to school now for several weeks and there is the occasional cooler day. The leaves have started to turn and the rain comes a touch more frequently...I am glad to see it. It has not been an easy summer for me, filled with change and some uncertainty as Woody and I try to mend a few fences...

For him, he feels like we have come a long way. We "share" the bills and he feels, the responsibilities. That has been true in many respects and others...well, the house is a shambles ( a friend from California originally called her home a "wreck in the clearing stages" for those of you familiar with the terms used regarding the freeways in CAli-speak you know what that means...describes our home to a Tee)Not much help there.With the advent of Annabelle, I have less time to devote to anything else as she does require more attention that I thought that she would.Woody has been great about assisting with her care, but to me falls the bulk of it, and at times it is a touch overwelming

For me life is more difficult. The Mid Life Crisis vehicle sits in the drivewy day in and out (Woody drives the 10 year old beat up Avalon more than the snazzy Crossfire. The perversity of males is beyond me)and is a reminder of the huge lie he told me and the whole money thing in general.That purchase, which he hid from me for a month, is as bad as cheating with another woman as far as I am concerned...The separate lives... The separate bedrooms, the monthly bill for the new beds and the cartons that continue to sit un sorted and piled in my room are a testiment to me of the compleate and utter failure of our relationship. To wounds that will not heal and that I will be alone... in truth... forever. A great man once said that "True lonliness is a permanant condition, one is born alone and dies alone..." He was speaking of inner lonliness...for me the outer is just as painful and devestating. I dont know how to fix it. I just know that I have to continue to keep moving forward on my journey, regardless of what he does

In this summer of change there have been good things, the two retreats with John Michale Talbot were enlightening and opened my mind to new thinking both faith wise and daily living wise. I have started to really take a hard look at how I live. Do I put God first in all that I think say or do? Do I make the best use of my resources? Do I live for the Kingdom or just for myself? This has caused me to think twice about doing some things that might have been fun and given me pleasure, but in the long run were they worth the price both financially and otherwise.

Am I obedient to God? Do I really understand what I believe today and where am I at in this process of life. To that end I have begun studying privately with a tutor and preparing to enter the Catholic Church. I know that a lot of my friends wont understand and perhaps will have harsh words for me, but I see it as a path that I must take... When asked by a friend "Why be Catholic?" I ask "Why Not?" "If someone offered you "More" of Jesus would you not want that? I do. I see it as a "adding to" not taking away from anything that I am or am involved in. I will not be changing church affiliations nor giving up going to church with Woody to the Methodist church we are attending together. I hope to continue to be involved with developing the new contemporary service they are working on.

I find my "classes" facinating. I have a wonderful tutor who has his PHd, but I have been able to stump him a few times, and he said at our last meeting that this setting was the right one for me as I have had a wonderful formation as a Christian, and know the Bible as well as he did, perhaps better in some areas, but I do not "think" like a Catholic. For example, Protestant theology is based in reason, as it was born out of the Enlightenment period of human history... " To read is to understand." While Catholics are taught based on Augustine's priciple "To believe is to understand" in other words, faith first, then reason. There is a lot more that I could write about, but suffice it to say, I study the materiels for the RCIA (rites of Christian Initation for Adults)then we meet during the day for an hour or so and go at it on such questions as "Why did God create the world?" "What was most important, Jesus message or His death?" "Did Jesus know his whole life that he had to die, or only at the last?" "Did Jesus know everything or did he have to learn everything like we do, and did he learn as he went along teaching and preaching?" These topics are on topic but way ahead of the other 40 or so people taking this class. My tutor said that I would have been bored stiff.

I have been a part of churches that teach the Bible at the Semanary level, but we women were told that even if we were able to learn like the men that really would be the end of it. Here both in the Methodist Church and in the Catholic Church, Women teaching and learning along with the men is entirely acceptable. In fact women can do any non ordained function (they cant be priests or deacons)in the Catholic church but are allowed to teach at all other levels and there are a number of Lay Ministers that are well known nationally. In the Methodist Church 20-25 percent of the ordained clergy are women. I feel like I am now in churches where my talents and knowledge are appreciated. I also feel that once I am done with this nearly year long process, I will be better prepared to teach if I am called upon to do so in the future. And I see that comming.

Then there is Annabelle. My little bundle of fuzz has more engergy than the Energizer Bunny and is a slave driver on our walks together. Her personality is forming... in otherwards she is getting willful and demanding. I have found that scruffing her slows that down and bathing her has an extrodinary effect on her attitude. She is reduced to a guniea pig sized little creature that only wants love. She gets that in full measure. I spend a lot of my morning hours with her and try to have part of that time be lap time where she is brushed and handled and told over and over how pretty she is. She still wants things her way all the way but we are finding a middle path and I see this working out really well.

The kitties are getting used to her and this weekend we were able to let everyone be together, supervised of course. We let the cats set the pace, and try to keep Annabelle from barking chasing and otherwise creating a hostile enviroment for the feline members of the household. I know that eventually there will be an altercation, but hopefully all will be well once the pecking order is established

The evening is cooler and a thunderstorm has rolled through bringing even more releif to this parched and heat weary land. I love every season here and have enjoyed the summer very much, however I have looked forward to the end of the season and the fall colors with great anticipation. The end of the summer is the beginning of Autumn and a new season. I pray for the new things in my life and for the healing of the old, and for a new day after the twilight of the old.

Labels: Bella Vista, Breaking News, Dreams, Faith, John Michael Talbot, Praise and Worship, RCIA, Scenic Arkansas, Woody

August 01, 2007

The Fullness of Summer

Summer Pasture Centerton Arkansas

The heat has finally come after weeks of mild summer temperatures. Its been very humid with some thunderstrms but not a lot of rain, which we could use. Still the grass is full and tall. The hay making is in full swing with the round bales very plentifull in this area. I saw a pair of whitetail bucks cross my path at noon last week, velvet hanging in a tattered fringe about their heads. The cats are throwing their summercoats already. I combed a huge furball of dead hair off Makkie this week.

Woody and I worked around the house this weekend, it will be the last time we have this chance as Woody is going back to the car lot this time in Fayetteville, to the Honda dealership. I wish him well but have my doubts. How many times has he gone out full of hope only to be crushed and left out...I couldnt find it in my heart to be glad for him... I see this as a expensive way to hang out. Im giving it three months. I hope he proves me dead wrong...but its hard to hold to a dead hope

So we did something we had been talking about, which was what to do with the number of large peices of furniture that we have that we dont use. I located a consignment shop that was delighted to take them for a small commission, if I rented a booth. I have boxes of stuff to take down there, so I loaded stuff up and we took it down. There wasnt any time to price it so I will be doing that this week. If it works out I may be able to do what I wanted to at the Grapevine which was to sell some of this Hawaiian stuff that was left over...perhaps we can

Its amazing to to be so full up with things that you find yourself overwelmed. My house is clutterd with things that I will never use again. I realised that I need to dump a large portion of my library as I am not reading those books and they take up space that I need to live in. I am in a position to move into a larger dwelling in fact we talk about downsizing even more as we get older... so I am really pushing to get rid of a lot of stuff . I walk around with a carton in my hand sticking things into it to sell or give away. There is enough to stock the booth for six months of steady buyers...

The cash will be flowing back into the general fund, to help offset the costs of setting up a home for Annabelle. The corral, crate with bedding and toys and all of her gear is now at about 300.00. Add her price at 450.00 (all shots and papers included) thats a lot of money, but she'll be worth it. The neighbors are looking forward to seeing her. I hope she is a good dog and doesnt bark a lot.

My passport arrived this past week... I am now officially back to the name I was born with. I didnt realize that my divoce papers didnt specifically say that my maiden name was restored, but this makes it more or less official...I can go anyplace I want to go now but am putting my international plans on hold for a bit...

I have had a lot of challenges regarding money, in recent days. Woody was encouraging me to make the trip to Ireland with John Michael Talbot. It is a once in a lifetime trip. But, by the time I pay the fees, add in the spending money and the airfare to JFK Im looking at between 5000.00 to 6000.00 for one person. Woody and I can do a lot of traveling together for that. So I have chosen not to make that trip. I am disapointed but there are many good reasons to NOT leave here right now for two weeks. Annabelle, is one, but also things are going ok at work but not swimmingly on this account I am on. They really need me there and while I am due a weeks vacation I was getting the gift of an extra week off (time but no pay). So I will just take my week and we are going to Panama City Beach again to the time share that Woody bought me for my birthday in 2006!

My other challenge this past week was a car. I like a nice car. I had a wonderful car that I drove for years and left on the Big Island when we relocated... I miss it terribly. My van is nice, drives ok... I like the way you sit up and have a nice view of everything... but its a VAN and I feel like a old lady. A lot of things in my life make me feel that way right now.

So Woody takes the Avalon back to the dealership to have the repairs done that were a part of the sale agreement, and gets a loaner a 2008 Chevy Impala. This is a nice car...a really nice car. Roomy enough even for me the space freak. I am sooo claustrophobic. It drove really nice too. We took it out to Oaklahoma to look at Annabelle It made that long drive seem effortless. The cost of this mechanical magic carpet $28,000.00. My van is worth about what I paid for it and I could sell it right away to someone here at "thisplace" Lots of young parents looking for a family ride at a good price. It got great mileage for a full size car which made it really attractive...

We looked hard at this...and I wrestled with it. I actually felt anxious about it and the trip to Ireland too.All I could think about was the financial aspects. It was crazy...I lost sleep over it and it consumed my thoughts. Should I do it shouldnt I do it... Finally, when the passport came and I had to make a firm decision about the trip, I was able to say no to the car too. It boiled down to vanity. My vanity and a feeling that somehow in light of Woody buying his car I should too. This is totally wrong, a terrible misuse of money and would have put me into bondage to a big car payment for years...Im glad I didnt do that...

I have a good life, and dont need anything else to make me happy...well maybe a puppy, but pets are another thing. I didnt buy the 1500.00 dog,I shopped and took a hard look at a lot of breeders, interviewing them over the phone. Annabelle is not a show dog, but she has been raised with love and careful hands...The amount she costs is fair and reasonable. I can look forward to years of happy companionship with her. that is priceless.

But my point is that I am striving to learn to be content and grateful. I am grateful for my job and am trying to be content...but the dream of having my own business is not dead yet... I am still on my buying fast sort of, and resisting mindless shopping. The fullness of my current life should be enough to satisfy me. I need to strive to be content, even in the face of change and what seems to be unfairness or favoring of Woody. God will give me what ever I need, I need to place my trust in Him, not worry and look at the fullness of this beautiful summer. I will have all that I ever need, and peace besides if I do just that...

Labels: Annabelle, Bella Vista, Breaking News, Faith, John Michael Talbot, Scenic Arkansas, Woody, working

July 16, 2007

Hapa Mele, or Bits of News

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is: Reverend Lady Hokulea the Perplexed of Divine Intervention Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

A friend at work sent me this silly thing. I told her I would post it on the blog and she thought that was a cool thing. I just hope the title doesnt stick. She thinks that my ability to save her from certain doom when things go wrong on her desk at night deserves a title. I dont care what they call me as long as I dont find my desk packed into a box when I come in some evening....

She was trying to make me smile. Its been hard here at the Hale, and Woody's midlife crisis is still in evidence. But more on that in another post.

Its been a while since I have put out a post like this with a little of this and that. I find that my creative juices are a bit under the weather these days... but there are a few little tidbits that I would like to post on that dont quite make for a whole post.




I saw on the news today that the "Hokulea" voyaging canoe, which has been one a multination west pacific tour has arrived safly home to Hawaii. If you like sailing or love the ocean as much as I do you will enjoy the photos and the story behind this beautiful ship and the impact that it has had culturally for Native Hawaiians. Their ships blog is found at the website of the Polynesian Voyaging Society For some of the new readers, it was this vessel and the story of the "Star Of Gladness" that lead to my un official adoption of this name as a Nom De Plume... With all of our journeying its been most appropriate.

Ginger on the Cliffs near Hilo Hawaii

Speaking of travel, names and such. I am one of those poor souls trying to get my passport renewed so that I can travel, but according to this report and others you are likely to have seen, its a nightmare that only the government could cook up. I complicate things only by trying to straighten out a mess created by other bumbling breaurocrats who insisted that I must use my old married name (that Id not used for years) because I didnt have a court order showing it changed back to the name given at birth. Now in these post 9-11 days of identity stringency, I need to have all forms of ID match. I was going to do this when the thing expried but didnt and now that I want to make a trip out of the country Im trying to get this handled. After 4 trips to the Post Office, staffed by people who dont care about their own jobs, let alone this task that has been thrust upon them by our government...(the post office is a private enterprise, not a government entity, most people dont know that). I was told to do something different every day, "fill out this form, no that form, no you need five more references... Why do you want to change your name?..."Because I have never been that person, nothing that I have shows that name." Well, they wont do it... "It's the name I was given at birth for Pete's sake...on my birth certificate yet..." If this comes back its not our fault... but we aren't allowed to offer an opinion about these things.

I walked out of the Post Office and threw a screaming fit in my car. Then I calmly drove to the courthouse in Bentonville. The Court Clerk looked and my paperwork, and had me fill out an additional form giving information regarding my divorce, and she stamped and packaged my documents. We paid the 127.00, and went to a PostNet and used UPS next day delivery to the processing center in New CAstle Delaware...This is the new home of the center that was once in New Orleans. Im told that if all goes well...max wait time is two weeks, if there is a hiccup, I could be in trouble.

And where do I want to go? I was approached by the people that put on the retreats that I have been going to to consider traveling with John Michael Talbot to Southern Ireland. This is a once in a lifetime trip that will go to places that are not ordinarily available to the average tourist. All of the accomodations are top drawer and nearly all expenses are included in the price. A single lady already traveling is looking for a roomate, and I could travvel with her. Woody is considering going but isnt passionate about it. Im very OK if he doesnt go. I was supposed to have a in this week but I am not surrendering a dime until I see my passport.

Should this not work out we are going to try to go to Panama either by taking a cruise or going to a all inclusive resort. Woody was born there and I would enjoy seeing the country and reveling in the fabulous beaches. We shall see...

We did become owners of a third vehicle, a 1996 Toyota Avalon, that Woody bought as a utility vehicle. I am putting a lot of miles on my van and I cannot ride in the Crossfire. We took the Avalon to run errands and I felt very comfortable in it. The neighbors will think we are crazy or trading cars for a hobby.

As a last bit of news... The Grapevine Mall closed ending our attempt to start a small jewelry business. I am sorry but relieved as I have a lot going on in my life...

But just as we were leaving, we sighted a truck out in front, with a cage full of ... puppies!...No we didnt become puppy parents that day but we are talking about it... and that is making Makkie and Nani very nervious


Hey! we dont need any dog... Now dont bother me!! Makoa in his carrier, He loves to snooze in this little nest, and will open and close the door at will

Labels: Breaking News, Cats, Hawaii, John Michael Talbot, Little Portion, Traveling, Woody

June 06, 2007

In The Steps of St. Francis

Cross at dawn...outside of the chapel of Little Portion Retreat Center at More Mountain, Eureka Springs AR

I went away this past weekend to a retreat at the Little Portion Retreat Center in Eureka Springs. The Retreat Leader was the wonderful John Michael Talbot who has a myspace page that is fun to look at so I have linked it up. If you are into Contemporary Christian Music you will love all of the other notables that have commented and "friended up" JMT, so you can see their links too. I cannot begin to express the impact this man has had on my life for years and years and to have him practically as a neighbor is wonderful.

Our Retreat Master John Michael leading us in worship

You can see by how John Michael he is dressed that this is not an average guy. He stops people in their tracks at bus stations and airports. He took the Franciscan habit and manner of life some 30 years ago. He lives a life of total evangelical poverty...meaning that he has a lot of things in his life that make him not poor, but in fact he would tell you he owns nothing. He has made, Im sure millions, in his life as a musician, but has given all of it away. Instead of the limelight he lives the life of a religious hermit, spending a large part of his time in prayer and solitude, and when not doing that living a life of service to others... a well balanced existence...

The retreat was on the life and legacy of St. Francis. I am not a scholar and know only what I have read of the life of this man of God, but he captures the imagination as his day was not unlike our own and Francis chose the life of living with no stuff rather than following in the footsteps of his father who was a very wealthy self made man...

me at Little Portion standing next to a bias relief sculpture of St Francis in the herb gardens. Once 60 members strong this community like many others has seen fewer vocations, and doesnt have themanpower to sustain large gardens. They are now raising free range organic chickens to support themselves, rather than growing produce. They were once considered the best organic produce farm in Arkansas.

The first discussion was on the actual life of Francis, debunking myths and trying to understand and place him in a historical and religious context. Then focusing on the major teachings known as the Evangelical Counsels of Poverty, Chastity and Obedience. ...Gospel poverty, which again means not so much not having anything but rather doing without something for the sake of another having what you could have taken. We can all agree with one statement that stuck with me, that we live in a society that is so focused on gratifying every desire, every want... that we don't know what it is we truly need anymore. Without pointing a finger at anything we could all look at modern life and say this of ourselves. We have so satiated ourselves with our desires that we have starved out our needs, and in turn perhaps deprived another of the chance to get their needs met. I have mixed feelings about expanding this to the world poverty situation the way he does, because I think that we have a lot of corrupt governments in the business of keeping their people starving, like Mexico for example, or better still the horror of Darfur.

Much of the trouble in our home is exactly what this is getting at. I very much doubt that Woody knows what he needs, he gratifies pretty much every whim I know of. I am not much better but there was a time when I was not as bad as now. I realized this late last year as I was charging up a storm and buying stuff that really wasnt needed... So in response I am trying to do less of everything that involves spending or using more than I need, and trying to find out what that means...Working on my weight, cutting back and nearly eliminating spending and debt. Paying off my van... I got the title to that today...And, as we are making plans to change our lives as far as our relationship goes, not buying but rather selling some of our possessions so that things will be easier and more equitable between us. These are the types of things that were discussed under the topic of Poverty

Chastity is thought to mean the absence of sex, but it is a way of thinking that holds the moral high ground if the face of the onslaught of moral depravity we see everyday in our lives. For me it meant that making this change to nights so that a certain married man here at work spends less time hanging around my desk and causing loose talk, is a way to maintain the moral high ground. It means turning the channel when garbage is on, or not reading books that are little more than verbal pornography. I am always surprised at the number of "Christian Romance" novels that are nearly as trashy as the "regular" kind...

St. Francis saw himself as a true knight. He had been in the military service of a prince and the Pope and was a young man caught up in the age of Chivalry. His views on the capabilities and mores of woman were much higher than his peers. This is evidenced in his writings and in biography. He felt that immoral behavior was not to be tolerated especially in the church. There is no evidence he ever had a relationship with his lady followers as is sometime suggested.

The third counsel is perhaps the hardest. True obedience isnt just a military "Yes, Sir-No Sir" sort of thing. Its bending your will, even breaking your will to that of your superior. John Michael is the Superior of a religious community, perhaps of of the most extraordinary communities in the US. It is the only one that has mixed vocations, but more on that some other time. My point was he deals with all sorts of people and its true of all of us. Everyday we need to bend our wills to those that God has placed over us. For me its Woody, who while he is my husband and doies have authority over me he so seldom makes the hard decisions that its hard for me to bend when he does... and lately I am glad that I havent because I am not sure what is driving him these days...but one thing is sure...its not God... and of course for me my employer is one that I find that I have had trouble with in this area but when I gave in and put my mind to working being committed to "thisplace " as my job and put my heart into the work it has gone much better for me.

brother Andrew ringing the chapel bells, This gentle man puts his heart and soul into every task I see him perform.

Its also doing what you know is right and not sitting around until you have to do something. I find that I am at this point spiritually. I will be starting to attend Mass regularly and if it all works out, I will be entering the Roman Catholic Church. One of my great heroes in the faith, Elisabeth Elliot Gren, admonished me from the deepest recesses of my mind this weekend. As JMT was talking about Obedience, her voice sternly reminded me that "Delayed obedience is disobedience". I have been waiting for the right time. Its time. I will likely lose the rest of my family and the few friends from California that I have left, however I know that this is what I want to do.

bell tower at Little Portion Monestery

I stood in that chapel surrounded by the Brothers and Sisters of Charity, both Consecrated and Domestic, as well as the other retreatants,... they were just the most amazing group of people, a full half were not Catholic, and there were three pastors among them searching for the truth of this unique presentation of the ancient faith. You would never know that this was a Catholic Mass, until the liturgy of The Word was over and the liturgy of the Eucharist began... ( it was first saturday night so there were "smells and bells" and the Gloria too)We sang the original music John Michael wrote for the Mass, which they say they never grow tired of, and we received...

"Lord, I am not worthy to receive You, but just say the word and I will be healed..."
How I long for that.

I long for a deeper more radical commitment to God. I think that I have found it in the steps of St. Francis. When a person is interested in getting involved with a monastic order they are invited to "Come and See"... I am in that place of looking and seeing. May God grant me the humility and the courage to follow my heart on this, as I seek only His truth for my life.


the sheeprun near Holiday Island

Labels: Faith, John Michael Talbot, Little Portion

May 25, 2007

Traveling While Sitting Still

The Road Less Traveled, hwy 264 w near Cave Springs Arkansas

I am on a journey. I cant tell you all of the details now, because there are those reading this blog that might take this information wrong. I have been as transparent as pool water for the last four years and it pains me to have to couch my words for fear that certain people involved in my and Woody's life will take it wrong... and use it against me.

Let the reader understand... I love Woody and would do anything to make things work out, but I am no longer willing to sacrifice my life and well being to the situation. God is doing a great work of strengthening me and encouraging me to be humble and compassionate, but firm as far as this goes. There needs to be change of hearts on both of our parts...

Woody is comming home on Monday. I have told him that things will be different. Nothing is static and as two people live their lives, they grow and change. The last two weeks and the time I have had to think about everything has changed me. He may or may not like the changes. Thats ok...

I think I know what I want, but am not sure what God wants... so I am taking the advice of the Psalmist in Psalm 46 "Be still and know that I am God..." I choose to be quiet and not do anything until I am sure that I am doing what God would have me to do.

Until then, I will continue on The Journey. I am still losing weight, and the night shift continues to be a great change for me. I am off to the second of three retreats with John Michael Talbot next weekend, so looking forward to that. I am connecting up with old and new friends and find that this is the best change of all.

There is nothing like taking a trip, while sitting still...

Labels: John Michael Talbot, Woody

March 14, 2007

Doing It for Me

Glorious Sunset Near Rogers Arkansas...

Then Job answered the Lord and said:

Behold, I am of small account; what shall I answer you?
I lay my hand on my mouth.
I have spoken once, and I will not answer;
twice, but I will proceed no further.
Job 40:3-5



I feel badly that my writing has been so banal for the last few months, but I have been sort of wordless... I find myself sitting and thinking quite a bit, mulling over ideas and issues. There have been some pretty profound things that have happened to me in the past three months. Some are pretty ordinary but have long term effect on my life.

I have been involved with a number of projects since the first of the year, some I didnt feel comfortable discussing on my blog, some I didnt know how to discuss on the blog for want of words. But I am going to be involved for a long time and at times its going to be somewhat engrossing.

I developed a three fold plan. One was clearing my debt, two start working on my physical self and three, continue to explore my spiritual life, and not be content with the way things are presently, in a not very challenging state of blah!! All of this change came in the midst of a soul searching day I spent trying to lay to rest a lot of the stuff that was weighing so heavily on me. I do believe that I thrive in the midst of a project, so I created one for myself.

After Christmas I took financial stock and realized that yes I had quite a bit in the bank, but in the course of a year had gone on the hook for nearly 20,000.00 in debt that I am soley responsible for. Woody has gotten into a habit of getting me to buy things commit to things and spend my future...cause that is what he has done for himself. Everything from buying the van...my old one was fine really to buying timeshare on ebay using my sign on and then wanting me to pay for it. So I put my foot down, have drained my savings and spent hard earned account bonus (nearly 10 percent of my gross pay from last year.. it was a chunk) and committed to no spending for anything other than necessary stuff and that had to be thought out, and the pay off of all of my personal debt. All credit cards, lines of credit, and all but the remodel on the HELOC, and my car loan...and it will be done by Divine Mercy Sunday April 15. The HELOC is also my responsibility but surprise! I will be using household money to pay that off... I am nearly done as feel really freed up

I realized that I was kidding myself about my weight. I found myself putting on more weight and desided that I needed to do something. After Woody had his near miss with the heart attack and I had a really bad report from the sleep Doctor, I knew that denial was no longer an option. After prayer, and preparation, I began Nutrisystems eating program. I am also going to the gym three times a week. I wont be writing about the progress much here but on a blog that I set up for this Its All About The Journey. I am doing ok, miss "real" food and find staying on program rough. But its working I do feel better and there is visible improvement due to the working out. Woody is verbally supportive but I find myself looking at him and wondering what our lives will be like 100 pounds from now. I was a gym rat in my former life and...well...I dont need to elaborate, but I work out and know how this will turn out if I let it and it makes me sad and angry and scared all at the same time...

I realized when I got the email from Little Portionthat this was the opportunity of a lifetime, to sit and learn from a Christian Musician that I have admired much of my life. I signed up for not one but three retreats being conducted by John Michael Talbot and two others one on using your creative gifts for God and another a silent retreat focused on prayer. I went to my first retreat and was dumbstruck at what I learned about myself. I have spent two weeks pondering the wisdom gleaned, and the new friendship that I was blessed with.


The debt is gone and the weight is comming off and both of these things make me feel better, both phsycally and mentally, The retreat showed me that God is about to do a big thing in my life and I need to get ready. Most of all, I have finally come to the pplace where I realized that there has always been a dual path and that Woody and I have never traveled together and only now am I accepting this and really choosing to feel it. We live in ajoining alternate universes and that is so sad. I dont know how long this reality will continue but I am going to be changing and with him or without him I am going forward and doing life for me...

Labels: John Michael Talbot, Little Portion, Prayers, Woody

March 01, 2007

The New Time

Sugar Creek, Near Jane Missouri

It feels like spring here in the Ozarks, Its been warm and the trees show signs of budding out but you wouldnt know it today, it looks like its going to snow out the windows near my desk. I am typing this at work, as I will be busy for the next few days and no where near a computer.

I have been at a loss about what to write here and when... Writers block hasnt been an issue for me much, I have always had something to say but the past six months or so its been really hard. I know what part of the trouble is... I have only the past inside of my heart, its been hard to look at the world and find something new in it. Perhaps I have come to the tipping point in life where the past and the pile of memories good and bad begins to outweigh anything in the present... or maybe its my seeming inability to let go of that past and look to the future.

Woody is part of the problem. He seems bent on NOT hearing what I have to say. Lst sunday he was particularly bad, to the point of putting his hands over his ears as I tearfully tried to tell him what was bothering me. He says hes sick of my madness and metephore just to tell him what he should do. How do explain that love is more than the sum of material gifts and longevity? He freely admits to being the least empatheic person on the planet. only to me, he will blubber over a sad story the pastor tells or the broken claw stuck in our cats pad on her paw. (I know it hurts, but pull it out quick, dont sit there and cry... Nani will lick it and keep it clean) then...

But then there is...then... the times he does step up to the plate and stand with me on something... It baffles me and I am not sure even he understands why he feels the way he does...I have been reserching something and plan to write on it sometime, with regards to this issue.

But not today. I have been interviewing inter company for a number of positions that have been comming up and will have a new job soon here at "thisplace". I am looking forward to doing something new. Currently I am doing housekeeping sorts of things. Following up paperwork, data entry and stuff like that for my old account. Anything to keep busy.

As I said earlier I am off for a weekend at the Little Portion Hermatage for a retreat. The subject is Lent, a rather new spiritual opportunity for me, comming from my protestant background. As a Methodist we also have Lent but its really different than the Catholic version. The speaker is the celebrated Christian recording artist John Michael Talbot, who is also the spiritual leader of the Hermatage. On sabatical this year from touring (sort of he has engagements but just not as many) he is leading several retreats and I hope to attend three of them over the course of this year. The Hermatage is about 50 miles away near Eureka Springs. I look forward to telling you about the weekend and to take some great pictures as well. Keep me in prayer as I drive to and from as well as absorb new ideas about Lent and about worship as I sit under the teaching of the great man.

I am waiting in antisipation of a "New Time" in my life... I feel that God is bringing this into my life. Woody wants a change too, I dont know that he prays for this but he is sick of the stress he feels with regards to our situation. It is my hope to see this soon and I am ready for change just as the hill country is ready for spring...

Labels: John Michael Talbot, Little Portion