March 14, 2007

Doing It for Me

Glorious Sunset Near Rogers Arkansas...

Then Job answered the Lord and said:

Behold, I am of small account; what shall I answer you?
I lay my hand on my mouth.
I have spoken once, and I will not answer;
twice, but I will proceed no further.
Job 40:3-5



I feel badly that my writing has been so banal for the last few months, but I have been sort of wordless... I find myself sitting and thinking quite a bit, mulling over ideas and issues. There have been some pretty profound things that have happened to me in the past three months. Some are pretty ordinary but have long term effect on my life.

I have been involved with a number of projects since the first of the year, some I didnt feel comfortable discussing on my blog, some I didnt know how to discuss on the blog for want of words. But I am going to be involved for a long time and at times its going to be somewhat engrossing.

I developed a three fold plan. One was clearing my debt, two start working on my physical self and three, continue to explore my spiritual life, and not be content with the way things are presently, in a not very challenging state of blah!! All of this change came in the midst of a soul searching day I spent trying to lay to rest a lot of the stuff that was weighing so heavily on me. I do believe that I thrive in the midst of a project, so I created one for myself.

After Christmas I took financial stock and realized that yes I had quite a bit in the bank, but in the course of a year had gone on the hook for nearly 20,000.00 in debt that I am soley responsible for. Woody has gotten into a habit of getting me to buy things commit to things and spend my future...cause that is what he has done for himself. Everything from buying the van...my old one was fine really to buying timeshare on ebay using my sign on and then wanting me to pay for it. So I put my foot down, have drained my savings and spent hard earned account bonus (nearly 10 percent of my gross pay from last year.. it was a chunk) and committed to no spending for anything other than necessary stuff and that had to be thought out, and the pay off of all of my personal debt. All credit cards, lines of credit, and all but the remodel on the HELOC, and my car loan...and it will be done by Divine Mercy Sunday April 15. The HELOC is also my responsibility but surprise! I will be using household money to pay that off... I am nearly done as feel really freed up

I realized that I was kidding myself about my weight. I found myself putting on more weight and desided that I needed to do something. After Woody had his near miss with the heart attack and I had a really bad report from the sleep Doctor, I knew that denial was no longer an option. After prayer, and preparation, I began Nutrisystems eating program. I am also going to the gym three times a week. I wont be writing about the progress much here but on a blog that I set up for this Its All About The Journey. I am doing ok, miss "real" food and find staying on program rough. But its working I do feel better and there is visible improvement due to the working out. Woody is verbally supportive but I find myself looking at him and wondering what our lives will be like 100 pounds from now. I was a gym rat in my former life and...well...I dont need to elaborate, but I work out and know how this will turn out if I let it and it makes me sad and angry and scared all at the same time...

I realized when I got the email from Little Portionthat this was the opportunity of a lifetime, to sit and learn from a Christian Musician that I have admired much of my life. I signed up for not one but three retreats being conducted by John Michael Talbot and two others one on using your creative gifts for God and another a silent retreat focused on prayer. I went to my first retreat and was dumbstruck at what I learned about myself. I have spent two weeks pondering the wisdom gleaned, and the new friendship that I was blessed with.


The debt is gone and the weight is comming off and both of these things make me feel better, both phsycally and mentally, The retreat showed me that God is about to do a big thing in my life and I need to get ready. Most of all, I have finally come to the pplace where I realized that there has always been a dual path and that Woody and I have never traveled together and only now am I accepting this and really choosing to feel it. We live in ajoining alternate universes and that is so sad. I dont know how long this reality will continue but I am going to be changing and with him or without him I am going forward and doing life for me...

Labels: John Michael Talbot, Little Portion, Prayers, Woody