June 06, 2005

...There You Stayed, Temporarily Lost At Sea..

the comming storm Holiday Island Ar


Diamonds and Rust

Well I'll be damned
Here comes your ghost again
But that's not unusual
It's just that the moon is full
And you happened to call

And here I sit
Hand on the telephone
Hearing a voice I'd known
A couple of light years ago
Heading straight for a fall

As I remember your eyes
Were bluer than robin's eggs
My poetry was lousy you said
Where are you calling from?
A booth in the midwest

Ten years ago
I bought you some cufflinks
You brought me something
We both know what memories can bring
They bring diamonds and rust

Well you burst on the scene
Already a legend
The unwashed phenomenon
The original vagabond
You strayed into my arms

And there you stayed
Temporarily lost at sea
The Madonna was yours for free
Yes the girl on the half-shell
Would keep you unharmed

Now I see you standing
With brown leaves falling around
And snow in your hair
Now you're smiling out the window
Of that crummy hotel
Over Washington Square
Our breath comes out white clouds
Mingles and hangs in the air
Speaking strictly for me
We both could have died then and there

Now you're telling me
You're not nostalgic
Then give me another word for it
You who are so good with words
And at keeping things vague

Because I need some of that vagueness now
It's all come back too clearly
Yes I loved you dearly
And if you're offering me diamonds and rust
I've already paid

Joan Baez

I woke in a cold sweat yesterday morning. There was a voice in my ear that I had not heard for at least 10 years... 17 years from the point it was eminating from... the pillow next to me... I gasped, it was daylight in the tiny white bedroom I am sleeping in here in this vacation rental. Silent. Woody and the cats are in the master suite. (Woody can slep through their nighttime antics and the tiny bed in the "master Suite" what a joke, is not big enough for both of our plus sized bodies)

Sometimes ones dreams are too real... They can leave you wondering where you are and how did you get there.

I wondered if the last 10 years was the dream (or nightmare) and here I was again single and needing to get up and get to church for sound check and warm up...Well all I needed to do was look at my left hand to confirm the true reality, my wedding ring and wrinkles tell me a lot... Then I knew that these last amazing years were real after all...

It was such a long time ago...but that voice brought it all back...nearly all of my adult life, until I met Woody and as I wrote in a post back in March, Woody made it very plain that friendship wanst even going be allowed, and he was very much in the right. Woody intuitively knew that this was much to hot for me and him to handle...

Diamonds and Rust was not "our song" but it should have been. It describes the relationship of myself and the great love of my life, "The Pianist". From age 14, until my early 30's he was a central figure in my life. Once he left his home, he lived on and off in Los Angeles, and points in between, Washington DC, Miami, San Francisco...Dropping in, then dropping out as circumstances led him, he was my itnerant love. Physically, mentally, and emotional soulmates, that transcended time and place. Disconnected, we were in the back of each others minds, Connected it was as though we had never been apart. Together, people were sure that he was my spouse and my former husband was my brother...connected at the hip, Twins born of different mothers. I was the only woman that he had ever loved and been in love with, he the only man that I have ever felt really under stood the real me and accepted me just as I was at all of the critical stages of my life, up to the time we parted ways. We were similarly gifted, having the same talents in vocal and instrumental music, the same urge to create images with song, camera and a pen...

So why did this not work out to a more permanant union? The Pianist is hopelessly bent sexually towards men, and sadly not all of the human love in this world can change that. It takes a nearly supernatural commitment to God and to Transitional Reformation, to realign one's inner drives towards a straight life style, from the homosexual. It is more complicated than a choice, and more complex than "Im just born that way"...its a bit of both and beyond current science to fully grasp... Its not something I could ever ask of a person.. "do this for me". In my life as a Born Again Believer, I could not tolerate "sharing" at this level anymore... Neither could The Pianist. It was doomed, this relationship, to being only what it was and never to grow beyond its current level.

I dont think The Pianist could ever commit to a more mature relationship than what we had up to that point.For commitment takes maturity, strength of will and character. It also takes a daily dose of throwing one's imperfect self on the altar of sacrifice, and asking God to help you really love this person unconditionally. Gay or straight, to be bound to one person for life is a challenge and not one that most of us can say we have been sucessful in in suceeding in. Let alone if you have spent you life as the "The Vagabond"...

Yesterday was your birthday, you of sea blue green eyes and a smile that would break my heart everytime I would see it. I wonder about you and pray that you are well today... and ask that you stop haunting me in my dreams. Letting you go was the right thing, and I dont regret it... I will keep the diamonds of our lives together and know that the rust is the the fruit of a love that was fatally flawed...