November 30, 2007

The Quiet Storm

Peaceful beach Panama City
Beach FL

For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh.

For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds.

We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ...

2Corinthians 10:3-5

I long to have my heart as quiet this beach... I have had a rough few days I think a lot of it is just the whole change of life thing but also I know that I live a life that is not the norm and it takes a bit of struggle just getting ones head around it. I tend to go out of my way to find difficulties and strife, even when I would rather not. I am highly forgetful, and have lost a bunch of things, such as an expensive pair of sunglasses and the keys to the shop...fortunately empty and not a security risk or anything. I just wish I had my head together. Instead I feel this heaving emotion inside of me that wont stop and occasionally blows off the top

As a result I was on blogging Hiatus. I couldn't come up with a passage from the Bible to post or anything. Pretty sad...

There seems to be a lot of sad around me. The situation at "thisplace" is somewhat dismal. People on my account are shopping new opportunities on other accounts or departments and the reshuffling of duties and desks is traumatic. I came to the risky decision to tell my employer of my plans since, other than (God forbid)something happening to Charlie Conner, the teacher at the school I plan to attend, I am out of there and on to Louisville in April, no matter what. They can sack me now or I can resign at a later time. They have graciously asked me to stay on as long as I can which is great for my wallet. I feel better that I am not sneaking around and pretending to be committed when I am not. Here for the ride only. Once the account is gone then I am too.

I have had some sad revelations on the spiritual front, that made me sad for him and for the world as a whole because it just shows how hard it is to stay committed. One of the Father's at EWTN had once been a regular reader of this blog and had been at one time, encouraging me to pursue my spiritual journey. I didn't know him other than superficially and that was fine. He has recently admitted that for an indeterminate period of time he has been involved with a widow and her children, and for that reason was leaving the ministry. Leaving all of the discussion about married priests aside, what saddened me was first that he was tripped up and allowed this to go on, and that the woman involved was so selfish as to continue her involvement with a "married" man. I feel badly for both of them, they must feel really hurt and confused...

This came at the heels of my own realization that my thought life was out of order with regards to someone, and frankly I needed to repent. Daydreaming about someone else other than your mate is a sin, just as surely as literally going out on them is and it violates at a lot of levels. Most importantly, by indulging this I fail to do the most important thing I can do which is to focus on the here and now, and live in the moment... Moment by moment taking things as they come. I realized that my harmless little daydream had become a sort of fluffy blanket to wrap myself in against the emotional cold of my marriage, but because it isn't real, it only leads to frustration and discontent, and anger, and like the alcoholic, you think the one drink is only warming you and lightening your heart, but really its leading you into a darkness because that one glass in your hand becomes two..."What will it hurt?" and then its the bottle and it consumes you...

Years ago, when I was single and in ministry, I woke up one morning to the realization that I was in love with a married man. He had turned the barren soil of my heart with some words that he should have only shared with his wife, and a situation that I shouldnt have shared in. The seeds were planted in my heart, and the plant that I unwittingly nourished had to be torn out by the roots.It hurt as bad as any break up perhaps more so as I could say nothing to no one. He never knew. But other saw it perhaps in my face...and years later accused us of something that thankfully never happened.

Around the same time I took a bus tour and was paired up with a lovely woman that I knew of from my church, but had not personally met prior to this. She was a speaker and traveled extensively. We became great friends and once the trip was over and I was home and back involved in my life, I wrote to her and we spoke on the phone frequently. One morning it occured to me that I was crazy about her the way I had been about the men that had passed through my life. Knowing how these feelings can hurt even ruin both the lover and the beloved, having been involved with and known a number of gay men and women...I threw myself upon the Throne of Grace and begged God to help me to deal with this aright. Inordinant affection, like a wild plant sprug up in the garden of ones life must be delt with immediatly. The damage that I would have done to her and myself would have been significant. I cant imagine how it would have affected my family and others involved in my life...

I have learned how to disipline my thought life, and can do it. It is not impossible to do the right thing, unlike what the world says..."Just Do IT" or "If it feels good, do it." Sometimes things feel good but they are bitter fruit in the end...

And so I sit in the midst of my quiet storm. The glasses and keys were recovered, and I feel better about my decision to be obedient and to take every thought captive. My attitude has improved and I feel a little brighter today. I know that the road is not easy but it is the right road to travel on, and in the end, my Heavenly Father will approve. ...and I will feel better taking my days one day at a time

Labels: Catholic, Family History, Old Flames