March 24, 2005
Even Now
Tide Pool Reflections Punalu'u beach Park Kau
Woody and I have been going through boxes and boxes of memorabelia much of which is going to the Hilo landfill.
"Hoku, what is in all of these boxes in the corner...they are all crushed and falling apart, they need to be repacked or the stuff just dumped."
"Woody, I'll go through it later..."
"No more later. Now. I'll help you." He really has been a huge help.
I knew this day would come... Confronting the past can be very unpleasent especially if it is well documented. I have photos, boxes of them sitting in the garage waiting for the "proper time" to go through them make a mature decision about their future and hauling them around and disposing of them and a link to a past best forgotten...
or is it...
There is nothing in these boxes that a schoolchild couldnt see, no porno or anything like that. Just two people, sometimes three people genuinely happy... for the moment, at least the moment in the photo... Photo Albums carefully arranged. Pictures of holidays and birthday celebrations. Days at Descanso Gardens and at the beach, or nights in Hollywood... on the Blvd and in the clubs in West Hollywood.
Ten years of memories of another life, with another husband, and a extra boyfriend or two often both in the same photo. It was an interesting, highly emotionally charged exsistance, that was not healthy for anyone involved but I must say it was never boring. In the emotional department my life is pretty boring now. One of the reasons people go back to destructive behaviors, is that being good can seem to be pretty dull when contrasted to the risk of antisocial, or dangerous behaviors... I get it...I really do...
My former husband, a engineer with a taste for a life a bit less straight laced than a white shirt and tie and I lived a double life. I look at those photos and can,t believe how happy I was on the outside, when I know that inside I was a divided soul that had so many emotional problems that I could write for days about it. The sort of compartimentalization I practiced leads to the worst sorts of nuerosis, and often suicide. So life wasnt good honestly, I just thought that it was at the time as I didnt know what a normal healthy life was. (Thank You Jesus for your deliverence)
There were a number of extra people in our life, people that were more than friends that we were emotionally and otherwise involved with. What surprised me was the casual nature of this arrangement again documented on film. There was one friend that was along for most of the ride and I can safely say that he was the great love of my life, but not the marrying type, so was the third in a love triangle that was doomed from the start, as both of the guys were somewhat posessive...
The Three Amigos...
Woody has looked through the photos of a lot of my life. But I've tried not to show him too many of these, not because I am ashamed of my unsaved messedup self of the time. But because I didnt want him to know what I look like when I am in love... crazy in love...I didnt want to hurt his feelings one more time.
I dont think I have ever looked at him the way I looked at the Engineer and the Pianist... The three of us arms locked around each other on Topanga Beach or in the house we shared, before God shook it to peices in the Whittier Earthquake of 1987.
In 1994 very early in our relationship, Woody met the "Pianist" who casually showed up after my not hearing from him for several years. (I think it was the Devil trying to mess Woody and I up...) After the three of us spending the day together, Woody casually challanged the Pianist to "make a go of it with me or to get the hell out of my life as he would NOT tolerate his bouncing in and out of our life and ALL that had gone on before." Woody left. Then the Pianist left. I was alone... I did marry Woody, and I have not seen the Pianist since, other than a letter inquiring if he could borrow money which I burned.
I took one of those photos into the bathroom and held it up to the mirror... 18 years, 100lbs and grey hair notwithstanding, that permanant frown on my face is telling...Ye Gods and little fishes what have I become?
I cried for the good tossed outwith the evil. The relationship failed, the guys went their own ways, angry with me because my loyalties were divided. My love and adoration was required, in total,and by that time, God had gotten ahold of me and that totallity of devotion was never to be found in me again... but the love was not wrong...I dont think its wrong to love someone, acting on it is another matter...
This magic moment today in the bathroom reminded me of a song by Barry Manilow...
People make jokes about Mr. Manilow, but the guy can write great songs, songs that stick in your brian. He made his first fortune while married to his first wife on Madison Avenue writing commercials ... are you old enough to remember?
Id like to teach the world to sing
in perfect harmony.....
name that product... many of you can. Thats a great song.
But Barry wrote things more stickable as a performer and this is one of them. Written one night, in the dark, at his piano after a confrontation with himself his memories and his love for his new wife...an experience such as I had today, with Woody watching.
Even Now
Even now
When there's someone else who cares
When there's someone home who's waiting just for me
Even now I think about you as I'm climbing up the stairs
And I wonder what to do so he won't see
That even now
When I know it wasn't right
And I found a better life than what we had
Even now I wakeup crying in the middle of the night
And I can't believe it still could hurt so bad
Even now when I have come so far
I wonder where you are
I wonder why it's still so hard without you
Even now when I come shining through
I swear I think of you
And how I wish you knew
Even now
Even now
When I never hear your name
And the world has changed so much since you been gone
Even now I still remember and the feeling's still the same
And the pain inside of me goes on and on
Even now
Even now when I have come so far
I wonder where you are
I wonder why it's still so hard without you
Even now when I come shining through
I swear I think of you
And God I wish you knew
Some how
Even nowThey know...For we all believed what my Father told us all one night in our living room... we were still in High School and one of our friends asked him if the women in his life still ment something to him and Dad said "yes" "If you truly loved someone and you think about them then they and their love for you and your love for them never dies"...
Some how....
Even now...
