June 18, 2008

Lest I Forget

the original dream, Azure Seas Jewelry 114 Haili st. Hilo Big Island of Hawaii

I dont want to forget life lived in a different world, that ran on a different clock. The sense that you were living on the edge of the world 2750 miles from anywhere, at the center of creation where Kilauea's lava was in constant motion creating new land at a record rate. I want to grab onto and hold onto the memory of dreaming a big dream and seeing it flow into a reality, only to be challenged by that reality to cling to the Unseen Reality of a God bigger than any problem I faced, that would come to my aid when it was His time and in His way... not mine... I dont want that to fade away into the bottom drawer of my memory...

But daily more and more things press into me and its hard to remember the truth of Hawaii. That its beauty is more than skin deep. Most people just take the skin, but I have seen to the bone into the heart and soul of a place people just dream of and never see.It is a part of my very being now, I will never look at life quite the same way again after living on an island full of unique places and people... I want to carry that with me, that while "Aloha" has come to be a casual greeting, it really means "to be blessed with the breath of God" to be loved by That which is greater than anyone or anything that comes against me.

.

Two blocks from the bayfront, and housed in what had been the local whorehouse, the Cunningham Hotel, 180 square feet of space, in a bad economy two blocks from the action, God made my dream a reality, and no it wasnt easy

I wrote the post "Fading Reality"two and a half years ago, as I was realizing that I was losing touch with one of the things that made the Hawaii Experience so unique and powerful, my unshakable belief that where God guides He provides and if I cling to Him he will make a way for me in every situation. As I sit here tonight watching a thunderstorm break over the Ohio valley I realize that I have started to touch again this truth...It comes in the quiet... around the edges of your mind and sinks slowly in and forms and you go "Ah Yes,...I see it now..."

.


Woody at the computer, minding the store

There are a lot of things that make it hard to hear that voice and to see that unseen reality. I think the worst thing is my anger and bitterness at Woody. I have to admit that being here and having the peace of not seeing him, his destructive behavior, his choosing to ignore the future by making foolish choices in the present... His lack of acceptance of the reality of relationship... which translates into no warmth no affection no acceptance responsibility to the relationship, and I mean by that, he doesnt seem to feel accountable to me for anything just made me feel like I was invisible. The working at Transplace. I loved many of the people that I worked with but the work was so unsatisfying and I would come home in the dark to a house full of indifferent creatures, even Annabelle would rather be in Woody's arms than mine... (even now...little traitor)... On the weekends If Woody left the room so did both cats and the dog and If I would follow them they would all go someplace else. I would sit in front of the TV and cry. I expected the respect that the breadwinner shoud get but what I got was a cold sholder, and my requests were ignored. Woody had the new car to drive,the run of the house with little responsibility and the love and affection of our "children". Coming home night after night last winter to a cluttered, dirty, cold house and empty bed at 2 am depressed me to the limits... Even now nothing has been done in the house since I left. I shudder at the possible condition of the place. With windows so dirty you cant see out and a two inch layer of cat hair on the floor... that was how I left it, day after day... and when I left for Louisville

I did little to stem the tide of neglect. I had little time for anything other than work and Annabelle, and yes that was my choice Yes, it was my choice to let go of everything and not care for myself...I gained all of the weight I lost back and more I think, I could never bear to look at the scale.I would find myself looking in the mirror and seeing "failure" rather than a strong person that can do what needs to be done. I was seething all of the time, angry that if we were dividing the costs why were we not dividing the responsibilities? "And if you are a stay at home house boy cant you lift a finger and do something"...I would say that everynight when I came in the door and go to bed angry longing for someone to understand

God did, but I couldnt hear Him over the sound of my own rage.


the line...my cases set up . I had a lot of vendors that trusted and believed in my dream.

Not anymore. I am here in Louisville of my own choosing, and making a life. My apartment is clean and my doggy loves me and I dont feel ignored, because I have chosen to be alone. There is quite a difference. I left the scale back in Arkansas, but I have ordered clothing this week and bought some two sizes smaller. My face is unlined and my frown muscles dont hurt me from overuse.Yes I have issues with the school...it hasnt worked as well as I had hoped, but a new door may be opening and I will try and walk through it and wee what it means. I am also thinking about getting a job here and staying for a bit. I might have to move into a cheaper apartment and buy some funiture but that is ok. Everything is up for grabs and I feel that by being alone, I am back to that place where I can hear God again

As for the business...having issues with the contractor who seems to be unable to paint the walls let alone be trusted with the rest so we shall see. I have decided that I may buy equipment and work in a empty room on folding tables at first... Again I dont want to get ahead of God. I am open to however this works out

Like Hawaii so many things have to come together. The goal that I have and am working twords may not be what God is trying to do in my life... I just need to try to relax and remember. God has brought me safe thus far and His Grace will bring me home...in His time...


the back office

Labels: Azure Seas Jewelry, Business start up, Faith, Hawaii