November 01, 2009

The Saint of Molokai'i, A Tribute For All Saints

A Hawaiian style prayer card with the Maile Lei and a photo of the young Damien at ordination


During Fr. Damien's beatification homily, Pope John Paul II said: "Holiness is not perfection according to human criteria; it is not reserved for a small number of exceptional persons. It is for everyone; it is the Lord who brings us to holiness, when we are willing to collaborate in the salvation of the world for the glory of God, despite our sin and our sometimes rebellious temperament."

"We are all called to be great saints, dont miss the opportunity" ... is one of Mother Angelica's famous quotes, and I think a valid one. We live our lives never thinking that just around the corner, is an opportunity to have a dynamic impact for Christ in our world. Many times this is caused by just going about our business doing what we are called to do. Im sure that if we interviewed those we call "saints" they wouldn't think they were anything special or did anything worth noting, but that is what we are called to do, as Blessed Mother Theresa said "doing small things with great love..." that is the secret of a life pleasing to God.

In the first Christian centuries, those proclaimed saints were usually martyrs. Nowadays, those most often venerated are men and women who in their time were great humanitarians-missionaries, builders of hospitals and schools, servants of the poor and the abandoned.

Even in this shining company, Damien stands out, as one can see from a good biography like Gavan Daws's Holy Man: Damien of Molokai. When Joseph De Veuster, a strong and devout 19-year-old, entered the Congregation of the Sacred Hearts of Jesus and Mary in Louvain, he took the name Damien. In the fall of 1863, he set sail for the Hawaiian mission and was ordained in Honolulu on May 21, 1864.

the painted church of Hawaii, South Kona Big Island of Hawaii

He then went to serve the parish mission on the southwest side of the Big Island at what is now known as Star of the Sea Painted churchThis is adjacent to the Pu'uhonua O Honaunau or City of Refugeonce the home of Hawaiian kings it had become a place for lepers to be quarantined as they were prepared to be shipped off to Molokai'i

Almost exactly nine years after he left Belgium, having volunteered for the neglected leper colony stranded on Molokai, Damien reached the island on which he would die. The settlement had a spectacular location at the foot of towering cliffs facing tropical seas, but when Damien arrived, living there was like living in a suburb of hell. No medical care, no supplies... it was as though those people had just been dumped off the ships and left to die of exposure in that deserted place.

The highest sea cliffs in the world are here on Molokai'i It was this forbidding scene that greeted the young Belgian as he prepared to do his life's work...Kalapaupa Molokai'i Hawaii

But Father Damien didn't give up. He used the resources and contacts that he had to gather assistance from the church and the public at large. Soon nursing sisters joined him and a hospital was set up. Trades were taught and workshops opened to supply needed items for the colony and to give the residents employment and hope...

He was, first of all, the people's priest--celebrating Mass for them, hearing their confessions and keeping vigil at their deathbeds. But he also transformed the colony physically as well as spiritually. the author, Gavin Daws quotes an observer who described how the young priest went to work: "A vigorous, forceful, impellant man with a generous heart in the prime of life and a jack of all trades, carpenter, mason, baker, farmer, Medico and nurse, no lazy bone in the makeup of his manhood, busy from morning till nightfall."

Photo of Fr Damien with residents of the colony unknown source

But there was much more to Damien than the social activist who could quarrel vigorously with civic and ecclesiastical bigwigs when they were slow to back improvements for the leper colony. He had an inner life that energized and sustained his outer life.

He spent the first hours of each day in prayer. Even in his final illness he slept on a straw mattress laid on the floor. And he constantly refreshed his spirit by reading the Imitation of Christ, a 15th-century treatise that was once the most popular of Catholic devotional books.

Today the Imitation is often dismissed as unsound because, on the one hand, it emphasizes austerity, humility, solitude and unremitting self-scrutiny while, on the other hand, it says nothing about the service of others and is contemptuous of secular culture.

Yet the genius of the book is proven by the way it spoke so powerfully to an ardent heart like Damien's: "Let it be our chief study to meditate on the life of Jesus Christ .... Jesus has many lovers of his heavenly kingdom, but few who are willing to bear his cross."

Damien did indeed want to help the miserable, but for a reason that went far beyond decent compassion. He went to Molokai because he knew unerringly that this was to be his way of loving and following the Christ who said: "What you do for one of these least ones, you do for me."

A view of the Kalaupapa settlement now home to one of the worlds only research centers on Hanson's disease...accessible by plane boat or mule only this is one of the most isolated places on earth Molokai'i Hawaii

On a autumn day in a city much closer to the place of his birth than that of his death, Father Damien was eulogised by Pope Benedict XVI during a service of canonization. in the audience were 11 of the last residents of the Kalaupapa Leper Colony in bright Hawaiian dress, along with heads of state, princes and priests of his order.The Holy Father said this of Blessed Damien

Father Damian, the famous apostle to the lepers, left Flanders, Belgium at the age of 23 to go on a mission to modern day Hawaii. "Not without fear and loathing," Pope Benedict underlined, "Father Damian made the choice to go on the island of Molokai in the service of lepers who were there, abandoned by all. So he exposed himself to the disease of which they suffered. With them he felt at home. The servant of the Word became a suffering servant, leper with the lepers, during the last four years of his life."

He continued, "To follow Christ, Father Damian not only left his homeland, but has also staked his health so he, as the word of Jesus announced in today's Gospel tells us, received eternal life."

The figure of Father Damian, Benedict XVI added, "teaches us to choose the good fight not those that lead to division, but those that gather us together in unity.


Turn of the Century country church Kalawao Molokai'i Hawaii

Labels: Catholic, Faith, Hawaii

September 26, 2009

The Way Forward, A Blogaversary post

Diamond Head Dreams Waikiki Beach Honolulu Hawaii

The very God who seems to be tormenting us is the one who truly loves us, the one we can trust without reserve. The deeper we go into the dark night of the uncomprehended God and trust in him, the more we will discover him and will find the freedom and love that will carry us through any and every dark night.” Ratzinger (Pope Benedict XVI), God is Near Us, p.47

There have been many Dark nights in the six years since My Wide Blue Seas was born... First conceived as a rant blog against the huge issues we struggled against as Woody and I tried to cope with the culture, customs and predudices of our life in Hawaii. MWBS evolved into a personal/news blog then as we made the crossing to the Mainland, it changed again to a personal journal.

It has been a huge wonderful vehicle for self expression. I have made many new friends, and gained a wider perspective on the world and learned a lot about many things...The numbers dont matter much but I still think its amazing that nearly 80,000 people have stopped by, that I have written more than 1500 posts, intersected with countless lives...I am awed and amazed. Thanks for stopping by, for reading my posts and posting your kind comments. You bless my life continually

Labels: Blogging, Hawaii

August 16, 2009

Green Fields on the Windward Coast Oahu Hawaii

“Give ear, O heavens, and I will speak,
and let the earth hear the words of my mouth.
May my teaching drop as the rain,
my speech distill as the dew,
like gentle rain upon the tender grass,
and like showers upon the herb.
For I will proclaim the name of the Lord;
ascribe greatness to our God!

“The Rock, his work is perfect,
for all his ways are justice.
A God of faithfulness and without iniquity,
just and upright is he.
They have dealt corruptly with him;
they are no longer his children because they are blemished;
they are a crooked and twisted generation.
Do you thus repay the Lord,
you foolish and senseless people?
Is not he your father, who created you,
who made you and established you?
Remember the days of old;
consider the years of many generations;
ask your father, and he will show you,
your elders, and they will tell you.
When the Most High gave to the nations their inheritance,
when he divided mankind,
he fixed the borders of the peoples
according to the number of the sons of God.
But the Lord's portion is his people,
Jacob his allotted heritage.

“He found him in a desert land,
and in the howling waste of the wilderness;
he encircled him, he cared for him,
he kept him as the apple of his eye.
Like an eagle that stirs up its nest,
that flutters over its young,
spreading out its wings, catching them,
bearing them on its pinions,
the Lord alone guided him,
no foreign god was with him.

Labels: Hawaii, scripture

August 04, 2009

The Way of Aloha

Beautiful Hanuma Bay Oahu Hawaii

Go very slowly, very quietly, from one duty to the next, taking time to rest and pray between. Do not be too busy. Take everything in order. Venture often into the rest of God and you will find peace From 24 Hours A Day by Richmond Walker
with a hattip to Scott at Attitude of Gratitude

I saw this on Scotts blog, which I have been reading. This man has worked his program and I have admired that for a long time. As I enter my second week of solitude.. True solitude because while I have my friends at church and I love them, and I know that they care for me, I dont feel that there is an anchor for me to hold me to anything, wither it be person place or institution. However, I love this area and I am hopeful that a job will come through soon

I am really trying to go slowly, not get to far ahead of myself, not dwell on the past, and not worry that perhaps I will run out of money, get kicked out of this house before I am ready to leave, or that I will finally give up like so many people have done in this town Sam Walton built.

I have spoken to Woody, he is contentedly parked at his boyhood friend's spare room, tending Jim's dog, while Jim and his nephew are in Stockholm, where the Jim's elder brother and father of the nephew is spending his second year in diplomatic service there. Woody got a new phone number, which frees me to change my phone number and plan. I am looking to reduce my overhead and if I dont get a job I will have to stop all payments to anyone, eating and a/c, gas and Internet are my core needs. I dont think I will be thrown out of my house tomorrow.

I have had great interviews this past week, but I saw at several of the places the dozen or so other people interviewing for the same twelve dollar and hour job. That is what is so difficult I think, but I keep plugging.

I worked a tough job for minimum wage last week. Its something Ive done before, but every time I do it they agency pays less and less... Call Walmart stores to see if they have received promotional shipments and what did they do with them. The agency called 30 people to get the three they got to work this for 7.25 per hour. The finalist were a lady so disabled she could barely walk into the building., a young man who lost his first job 6 months ago and his parents felt he wasnt doing enough to find work so they threw him out and he now sleeps in his car... and myself. I found myself consoling him that I understood his pain, as Dawn, the disabled lady consoled me with a little Bible study and prayers from her church in the Missouri countryside.

I have been attending an Al Anon meeting and reading literature. I see the point, and how I really am in need of this help. I am hopeful that I will make new friends and learn more and more ways of making change within myself. How I would have been so much better if I had gotten this kind of help sooner...or even understood tha this is what I needed.... I know that I have a lot of culpability in how things went down, that while Woody was certainly the problem, I wasnt helping him and especially myself living like a madwoman... and that my life emotionally has been totally unmanageable.

There have been some challenges, some misunderstandings, and moments where I had to make a decision that others might think crazy but I know are the right thing. For example the insurance company issued a check for 900.00 for some damage the was repaired. My name was on the check, and yes the money would have really helped. I feel that Woody should have reembursed me for the money taken by the bank in the spring, but he feels that he was entitled to everything from the sale of the house and all of this money as well. I could be begging on the street and he feels that is justice for all I have taken from him. I signed the check over and deposited into his personal account with friends at the bank saying that it was not right....I can only trust that God will provide for me everytihing that I need.

Case in point, last week I got an invitation to come to Little Portiion Retreat Center for a week of discernment, and to spend some time with John Michael Talbot in retreat. They are comping me the room, and my vet is comping me boarding for Abi... I am having her spayed while I am gone, so I wont have to worry about her going into heat when I am not able to deal with that.I received a half price coupon for the NWA Animal Rescue people. I know her breeder feels she should be a year old, but I see that all of her teeth are coming in she is old enough now. I am so greatful for this time away. My "people" are working on jobs for the following week and I will have internet acess for email checking while I am there. I have planned to clear my mind and not think about Woody or Mr. Wonderful during the time there..

My counselor has really gotten on me about my about this emotional affair and thinks that much of my deep depression is due to that and to my missing him. She is likely right. He haunts me and at times I feel rediculous and at other times I really want to just die for the wanting of him. Its becuse I put off this grieving over it and I need to just settle down and do it... So I am praying for a release from that bondage freeing both him and I for a new phase in our lives. Its a process. She feels this is actually more binding than my marriage to Woody, that I am more emotionally tied to this person. I am facinated by this whole thing and horrified at the same time... So I am praying and going to try to clear my mind... I am thankful that Abi makes me get out of bed in the morning...

Speaking of Abi...

I think she is getting to be a very pretty girl. I find that I dont take as many pictures of her because she never stops moving! so few of the ones I take come out clear... Monings are our favorite time, she has come to love sleeping with me and is so cuddly sweet in the morning I dont want to get up and start the day!

My life is more and more becomming a venture of living a life of Aloha. I am more and more trying to live one day at a time one hour at a time.. The life of Aloha...It is a process and a culture I want to develope within myself... it is my goal

Labels: AA, Abigail, Hawaii, Little Portion, Relationships, Woody, working

July 27, 2009

Exit Stage Left

Better days Woody and I on the farewell tour of Hawaii Polynesian Cultural Center Laie Oahu Hawaii 2005

...That's not to say that we know nothing about the future, because we do. Before you and I close this book and call it a day, I thought you might want to know how it all turns out. After all, life leaves us in the dark about so many things. When we're little, we think we know what we want to be when we grow up, but when we are grown, many of us no longer have a clue. We walk down the aisle, and make promises "till death do us part..." but God only knows who will part first. Our babies take their first steps across the floor just to get to us, but we have no idea where life will take them. Or if they'll still like us when they get there. We're dianosed with a cronic diseases and coldly told the survival rates, but we have no clue where our numbers fall in those statistics We watch world news and squirm with the fresh realization that a sound mind isn't necessarily a requirement for becomming a world leader. We wonder how in heaven's name some maniac hasnt lost his mind and blown up the planet yet. We blow dry our hair and wonder if we are contributing to global warming. If we live long enough, and stay lugged in enough, we end up asking the same question our parents and grandparents asked: "what's the world coming to?" We shake our heads like no one has any idea. "



From the book " Get Out Of That Pit!" by Beth Moore Thomas Nelson Pub. 2007

Woody left this morning for California. Check in hand for the proceeds of the house. He has a good chunk of change. I wish him well. On saturday I met him at the estate sale people's place. We both received envelopes with tallies. My total was for far less than I had hoped. My heart sank as I looked at the total.I gave up a lot of stuff, good stuff and got pennies on the dollar for it. I had hopes that there would be funds to fix my car and to have Abi spayed, to go to the doctor and to perhaps buy a few new peices of clothing so I dont look like a scarecrow when I interview. Frankly it really doesnt matter. I need what God gives me. I have given it my best shot and now I need to really focus on finding a job and finding a way to care for myself and for Abigail. I also need to gather myself and really set my heart on the things God wants for me above all else.

Woody is ... such a mess. He has had several falls in the last week or so. He looks like he was rolled in a parking lot for his wallet. Black and blue, skinned knees, black eye. He has called me as usual but has had little to say. It is really over now. Even the shouting is done. As we walked away from the place he stopped me and promised he would call as he made the drive so I wouldnt worry.He gave me a cursory peck on the cheek, and walked to his car and drove off. I know he is angry about things, bitter towards me and the drinking is taking a huge toll. Now that I know what to look for...

I stood there for a moment and thought about the losses I have suffered. Woody, Mak and Nani, our home, our life such as it was. But the biggest loss to me is hope. I spent so many years hopeing for better, begging God to help us. Trying to love Woody to figure out how I could be a wife when so many things that a wife normally does to give aid and comfort to her husband were not acceptable to him. I am still at a loss to say why he married me, why he stayed married to me, and what he truly feels or ever felt. It is a mystery and one that will haunt me to the end of my days.

Looking at the empty house a few days ago, remembering the joy of its discovery and my hope that this would be the end of our journey and that we could enjoy a real life together...not perfect but peaceful and content. I know what happened and that it was my discontent that effected the change... Truly I must admit that was and is a good thing. The person that showed me this huge darkness and gapeing hole in my life left me for his new life sometime ago, but just knowing him as a friend showed me that there is more to this life than what I have experienced. He challenged me to let Woody go, to find my joy again, return to ministry and to allow God to deliver me from despair and bitterness... He was right. I live in such a poverty of soul that it frightens me to think much about the past few years. I am hard pressed to think about how I will get out of this mental/spiritual pit, but I am starting to work on that. It is my hope that soon I will be able to look back and see that this was just a dark valley, a time of germanation under the ground...a death that brings forth new life...

And like a play, you have entrances and exits. This play in three acts...act one called California, act two called Hawaii and act three called Arkansas is over... Woody has followed his script and exited stage left...I am sitting alone again, just as I was December 14,1993, in a pool of light on the stage of life, leading worship, working in the trucking business, closer to God than ever... this is how I am reframing my life now. I will do better than survive this time. It is my fondest wish that I find answers to the deepest questions of my life. I will work the Program, and I will strive to get well. I will accept what is, forgive and let go of what can never be, and detach from what I cannot change and is no good for me. Its a long and difficult road ahead...

And so it goes, this is now "the rest of the story"... my story continues on one day at a time.

Labels: California, Cats, Faith, Hawaii, Marriage, Quotable Quotes, Woody

July 13, 2009

The Sundering

The Hale Pau'ana Huakai...The House At the End Of The Long Journey...certainly the place where the journey ended for Woody and I.

Neither of you can return to the house...by the time we are done with the sale no beds or furniture will be left it will all be sold to the bare walls.Both of your items are laid out side by side... It would not be fair to either of you if you came in when we arent here... The lady running our eastate sale pronounced to me...

The house is sold, the insurance company is paying to put a new roof on, and the neighbors have pitched in to help Woody clear away the accumulated grime of the neglect of months...I tried to start on it myself, and found that my grief, my disappointment and frankly overflowing anger and hurt did not allow me to do much... Woody parked on his ass watching golf while I tried to vacum with a wand that was only three feet long... I think he wanted to see me struggle with that so I would be stooped over in a groveling position. We ended up shouting and I heard for the upteenth time that I only am to him the sum of our accumulated wealth...which he has squandered and blames me for the situation we find ourselves in, he had only to look around at our treasures amidsts the filth... the gold amidst the trash... Our dream home, our dream life in ruins, It was never real because you only have life if you make it...living on the largesse of others is not living... You never go anywhere if you dont work for it. It was a life... but I was the only one driving it, and without the help of a partner wanting to go in the same direction, it was bound to crash.

Aloha my Popoki Makoa and KaNani...

If there are two creatures that have suffered through the desperation of our separation and divorce its Mak and Nani. I saw them a few days ago and they were in terrible shape. Overweight, matted and claws so overgrown that they are having surgery in the coming days to fix their feet and relieve the pain. Their new caregiver is their vet, who is going to try to find a good home for them... why dont I take them...because I may very well need to move soon and that could mean couch surfing, living in a small apartment, or living at a friends home. Abigail has a home with her breeder as long as I need to leave her there... Mak and Nani have been astranged from me since 2007 when I broke my foot. They became afraid of me then I worked nights and went to Louisville. They have forgotten I am their mom...the one that took them out of the cardboard box in the Hilo Famer's market, fretted over them and cried for them as we flew from Honolulu to Houston. Now they hiss when I try to go near them, and their mats are so deep that their skin is sore, so petting is unpleasent and hurts them. I know that things will be better for them any place but where they were

I didnt see them off today, as I was working... but I trust that Woody loves them and will do whats right for them...Its all I can do.

My Chinese desk symbolic of my business and my time in Hawaii

I took my things, including this fragile desk and related peices to the estate liquidators who salivated over it. I believe over half of the stuff that I brought here to Peartree was returned to the house for the sale. I filled the space in the house with something else, and its ok. The extra space is good... the money will be good and the letting go of something that will not make another journey intact... very good. My style has changed. My life has changed. A sleeker, more streamlined look, easier to clean and manage is more appropriate for me. The fabrics,patterns, books of my former domestic life, where I danced, made costumes and all of my own clothing has come to an end for now. It needs to be sold while it still has value, and here in quilting sewing heaven it does! All of the equipment I purchased for my aborted business is being looked at by jewelry pros in the area that are game to try at what I have no nerve to do now. I am letting go of that dream so I can change my life for the better. I have a plan now and if I can get a job soon I will be ok... selling this stuff will buy me time to get under way.

I am also letting go... so what is left of ME will stay intact. Woody is an alcoholic he confrims it by his loud denials and running around the neighborhood finding out if I have "talked" behind his back. I know that he is moving on, headed to a couch, and a job in California and that this is God's plan for me. I wish it could be on good terms.

But I fear that this will not be the case. I have yet to meet a drunk that refused help and still cared about his/her confrontor. Either your beloved drunk gets help, or you need to get going. My mother stayed for 30 years with my Dad. She had her reasons, but I am not going to do that and didnt do that. I also dont have to stay defeated either. Yes, I am going to my first meeting tomorrow night, and yes I am going to get well, whatever that means. If it means sleeping on a friends couch for a bit OK. It may mean 30 days at NW Arkansas Womens Shelter, that could be a good experience... If it means moving 1000 miles south I will do that. If it means uncertainty while I wait on God, and learn the true meaning of faith, I am committed to doing that.

I felt torn asunder this past weekend...I think today...thats a good thing. Its a finality that needed to happen. The Sundering, all of us going our separate ways frees me for what God has for me next. Abi and I are waiting, praying and hoping...

The New Journey is just beginning....

Woody in our backyard with my beloved Annabelle when she was three months old two years ago August 2007

Labels: AA, Abigail, Annabelle, Bella Vista, California, Faith, Hawaii, Marriage, Personal Growth, Woody

July 05, 2009

Matthew 25:31-46~The Final Judgment

View from the Ko'olau mountains Oahu Hawaii

The Final Judgment

“When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on his glorious throne.Before him will be gathered all the nations, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats.And he will place the sheep on his right, but the goats on the left.Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world.For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me,I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink?And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you?And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’

“Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels.For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink,I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.’Then they also will answer, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you?’Then he will answer them, saying, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.’And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”

Labels: Hawaii, scripture

May 24, 2009

Isaiah 41:1-6,8-13, 17-20~ The Lord Will Deliver His Friend

Mysterious Island Near Kaneohe Oahu Hawaii


Listen to me in silence,
O coastlands;
let the peoples renew their strength;
let them approach, then let them speak;
let us together draw near for judgment.

Who stirred up one from the east
whom victory meets at every step?
He gives up nations before him,
so that he tramples kings underfoot;
he makes them like dust with his sword,
like driven stubble with his bow.
He pursues them and passes on safely,
by paths his feet have not trod.
Who has performed and done this,
calling the generations from the beginning?
I, the Lord, the first,
and with the last; I am he.

The coastlands have seen and are afraid;
the ends of the earth tremble;
they have drawn near and come.
Everyone helps his neighbor
and says to his brother, “Be strong!”

But you, my friend;
you whom I took from the ends of the earth,
and called from its farthest corners,
saying to you, “You are my servant,
I have chosen you and not cast you off”;
fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Behold, all who are incensed against you
shall be put to shame and confounded;
those who strive against you
shall be as nothing and shall perish.
You shall seek those who contend with you,
but you shall not find them;
those who war against you
shall be as nothing at all.
For I, the Lord your God,
hold your right hand;
it is I who say to you, “Fear not,
I am the one who helps you.”

When the poor and needy seek water,
and there is none,
and their tongue is parched with thirst,
I the Lord will answer them;
I the God of Israel will not forsake them.
I will open rivers on the bare heights,
and fountains in the midst of the valleys.
I will make the wilderness a pool of water,
and the dry land springs of water.
I will put in the wilderness the cedar,
the acacia, the myrtle, and the olive.
I will set in the desert the cypress,
the plane and the pine together,
that they may see and know,
may consider and understand together,
that the hand of the Lord has done this,
the Holy One of Israel has created it.

Labels: Hawaii, scripture

April 05, 2009

John 12:12-36 Enter The Week That Changed History

Hawaiian Palms, Taken near Kaneohe, Oahu, Hawaii


The Triumphal Entry

The next day, the news that Jesus was on the way to Jerusalem swept through the city. A huge crowd of Passover visitors took palm branches and went down the road to meet him. They shouted,


"Praise God!
Bless the one who comes in the name of the Lord!
Hail to the King of Israel!"


Jesus found a young donkey and sat on it, fulfilling the prophecy that said:



"Don't be afraid, people of Israel.
Look, your King is coming,
sitting on a donkey's colt."


His disciples didn't realize at the time that this was a fulfillment of prophecy. But after Jesus entered into his glory, they remembered that these Scriptures had come true before their eyes.
Those in the crowd who had seen Jesus call Lazarus back to life were telling others all about it. That was the main reason so many went out to meet him-because they had heard about this mighty miracle. Then the Pharisees said to each other, "We've lost. Look, the whole world has gone after him!"


Jesus Predicts His Death
Some Greeks who had come to Jerusalem to attend the Passover paid a visit to Philip, who was from Bethsaida in Galilee. They said, "Sir, we want to meet Jesus." Philip told Andrew about it, and they went together to ask Jesus.
Jesus replied, "The time has come for the Son of Man to enter into his glory. The truth is, a kernel of wheat must be planted in the soil. Unless it dies it will be alone-a single seed. But its death will produce many new kernels-a plentiful harvest of new lives. Those who love their life in this world will lose it. Those who despise their life in this world will keep it for eternal life. All those who want to be my disciples must come and follow me, because my servants must be where I am. And if they follow me, the Father will honor them. Now my soul is deeply troubled. Should I pray, `Father, save me from what lies ahead'? But that is the very reason why I came! Father, bring glory to your name."
Then a voice spoke from heaven, saying, "I have already brought it glory, and I will do it again." When the crowd heard the voice, some thought it was thunder, while others declared an angel had spoken to him.
Then Jesus told them, "The voice was for your benefit, not mine. The time of judgment for the world has come, when the prince of this world will be cast out. And when I am lifted up on the cross, I will draw everyone to myself." He said this to indicate how he was going to die.
"Die?" asked the crowd. "We understood from Scripture that the Messiah would live forever. Why are you saying the Son of Man will die? Who is this Son of Man you are talking about?"
Jesus replied, "My light will shine out for you just a little while longer. Walk in it while you can, so you will not stumble when the darkness falls. If you walk in the darkness, you cannot see where you are going. Believe in the light while there is still time; then you will become children of the light." After saying these things, Jesus went away and was hidden from them.

Labels: Hawaii, scripture

March 15, 2009

Psalm 103~Bless the Lord, O My Soul

Let the Seas Roar, Spring storm wave pounding the shore...taken near Na'alehu, Kau Big Island of Hawaii

Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and all that is within me,
bless his holy name!
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

The Lord works righteousness
and justice for all who are oppressed.
He made known his ways to Moses,
his acts to the people of Israel.
The Lord is merciful and gracious,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
He will not always chide,
nor will he keep his anger forever.
He does not deal with us according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.
For he knows our frame;
he remembers that we are dust.

As for man, his days are like grass;
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
for the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
and its place knows it no more.
But the steadfast love of the Lord is
from everlasting to everlasting
on those who fear him,
and his righteousness to children's children,
to those who keep his covenant
and remember to do his commandments.
The Lord has established his throne in the heavens,
and his kingdom rules over all.

Bless the Lord, O you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his word,
obeying the voice of his word!
Bless the Lord, all his hosts,
his ministers, who do his will!
Bless the Lord, all his works,
in all places of his dominion.
Bless the Lord, O my soul!

Labels: Hawaii, scripture

January 12, 2009

The Petition

my morning window

post started 1-08-2009

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way (I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go)
take me all the way (through the motions)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions

Matthew West

I heard this song this morning and it really sunk in. I think that the desire to stop "going through the motions" is the main reason why I find myself sitting in my lawyers office preparing a counter petition for my divorce. Woody's lawyer set up the petition in the most general way charging me with cruel indignities ect... Sorry I dont want that to go on the record.. Let the truth be told once and for all. I am living in a unconsumated marriage with a man that has spent ever last cent of his retirement with the feckless abandonment of a boy with his allowence. While we have had many many many great times and perhaps still will in the future, I dont want to live as thought this is "happily ever after". I hope that perhaps if I am found worthy I might yet find love again with someone else, and in the mean time I want to be free to serve God as He will and I cant while being bound to Woody.

It doesnt make it easy. There is a lot of unrest in my heart still. I feel badly that I have left him with the house and the mortgage. I go over there and the empty book cases and the general desolation has got to be depressing. I feel like I have not handled this situation as best as I could...but then, I look at the half empty house and realize that this is how the house of my soul has seemed to feel for years and now as the healing has started, I understand that I must look forward and not spend too much time dwelling on this. God has moved me forward and much of the time I feel simply happy for the first time in a long time.

Woody asked me for money this week. I have enough cash in savings for 90 days or so. Not much really in this economy. My prayer is that I will get a job and I am trying looking every day on the Internet. ( I have submitted my resume over 500 times since I returned to Arkansas in November.) I have done some interviewing as well and feel that now that the holidays are over something will come along. I am not picky, and will do what ever to get started again. I dont feel good about giving him money. He has friends that will help him, he can stay in the house many months if he defaults, and there is the painful past...I have no on to help me. I dont have a mortgage right now but a lease. I can be booted out pretty quickly, not that I think Mr. Herring would do that, but I need to be wise about this

It still twisted my heart. I wondered if I did wrong. Why was I so driven about leaving? I have to say that while I was in Louisville I didnt write on my blog the depth of anger, rage fear and disgust I felt about my relationship. Being removed allowed me to vent a lot of that. Its now burnt itsself out and what is left is a bit of an empty shell. Today...the most painful thing is that Woody, who knew I was feeling at time suicidal and filled with grief over it all never said anything like " I love you why dont you come home and we will work it out..." or "I need you home you are done with Charlie's, " or "Please stay in the house and help me while we both get on our feet..." Frankly I felt like he wanted me out in so many words and that makes this harder for me. Being unwanted is the lifetime grief of my soul. No matter how much stuff I received from Woody, what I wanted was his love and acceptance, and I dont feel that I ever received that. It really hurts and now by filing the petition, perhaps I will find peace in this area of my life...

Every morning, when its a clear day, the sun rises in my bedroom window. It signals a truth that I really processed in Louisville, that God gives us a new day to literally "start over". We get a new chance to renew our life journey. Each day is a precious gift. I try to respect the day, and utilize it as best I can. That doesnt mean I have to accomplish a bunch of things...today I put away a few books, did a few online resumes and made a few calls. I also went out and got my hair cut... a much needed excursion. And there is the daily walk with my Annabelle. I rise early and go to bed at the same time. The ruetine is a comfort and I believe will help me regain my health to what it was before I married Woody... My hair dresser already thinks my hair is growing thicker... I have hair so thin you can see my scalp and I am not a old woman. I just need to not sit around and cry about the past. I did a lot of that in Louisville and now I am done with this grieving.

I have stopped wearing my wedding rings and the beautiful Commitment ring that I had made when I first became a Christian. I cannot bear looking at them even though I love the peices very much. I have been wearing a band that Woody gave me nearly 10 years ago that I thought was too delicate for everyday wear. I learned that the under gallery is very supportive and I can wear the sparkling confection daily as long as I dont do home improvement projects in it. Woody noticed that I was wearing it and it made him smile. I didnt take my ring off to piss him off, just to move forward and he got it.

My home is shaping up the way I hoped it would and its making the feeling of being up to my eyeballs in debt worthwhile. As I unload the boxed of books, hang the drapes and enjoy a very new, contemporary styled "chick pad" I feel like I am making a home. I have decorated my bedroom and bathroom with textiles I bought in Hilo before we left (drapes bedding and shower curtain courtesy of JC Penney "Local Style" section) above the bed I hung the print of Hilo Bay,that I had framed in Louisville. There is a lot of a aloha in there and it feels really good. I also have created flower arragements with a tropical feel that gives the whole place a Kapalua look. It reminds me of a upscale condo on Ka'anapalli Beach. Then you go outside and its Ozark leaves and trees. Its so the way my life is now. The aloha is still here but I am here in the southern plains, and living large at that.

Should this not work out and I am not able to get a job I am not sure what I will do. perhaps look at going back to Louisville. I have contacts there that might be able to help me get started, but that isnt what I want to do just now. things are pretty good here economiclly and I am sure I can get a position doing something. Pray for me if you would that I will find work soon. That will go a long way to help me feel settled. Until that happens I need to trust that God will continue to provide. That is my lesson I am learning right now and my petition to On High.

Labels: Annabelle, Bella Vista, Faith, Hawaii, Louisville, Marriage, Pear Tree Cottage, Woody, working

January 06, 2009

Star of Wonder

Giant spiral galaxy, viewed via the Hubble telescope, courtesy of NASA

I know that I have written before about my love of the portion of the Christmas tale describing the journey of the Magi to find and worship the Divine Child Jesus. They followed the miraculous star from...Iraq, Iran...we aren't quite sure.I have my theory that the Magi and certainly there were more than three, were the descendants of the Babylonian astrologers that were spared the horrible death before them because they could not discover or interpret the incredible dream of the King of Babylon, we now know as the vision of Epochs (Daniel chapter 9)

This year I saw a wonderful film on the subject, called The Bethlehem StarAny of you that are science buffs particularly if you are involved with the creation/evolution discussion will find this utterly fascinating. Using modern technology, the stars can be mapped at the time of the Nativity. We can see what the night sky looked like to the Magi and from there figure out what it was they were looking at . Its amazing and like I said this is a do not miss film

I also share in interest in the Star because it was around the time of the birth of Jesus that the Tahitian navigators set out from Polynesia looking for the land "where fresh water falls from the heavens" or Ha-Wai-I. The Kahuna or religious priests told the navigators that after the voyagers crossed where they could no longer see the stars of the southern skies, then an object would rise out of the eastern sky that would lead them to the new land

The theory in Bethlehem Star is that this phenomenon in the sky was a conjunction of Venus and the planet Jupiter. This would have been an incredibly bright light. The wise men of Herodian court as well as those of the East would have see this. There would have been discussions regarding this. I think with the Magi showed up it confirmed the worst suppositions. The Magi may have been descended of Jews of the Babylonian Diaspora, and knew the scriptures, so they were looking for their longed for Messiah

The Tahitians, Magi and others aside....we too are looking for a star to led us. We need to look for the Star of the Morning, Jesus. This star was too bright for those Jews in authority at the time. They had hearts too dark and cold for the Light of the Star to penetrate. So the Magi knowing through a dream that there would be reprisals left by another way...

As we leave the Christmas season on this Twelfth Night, my the Light of Christ go out from each of us to all of those around us...

Labels: Catholic, Hawaii, scripture

December 02, 2008

Moving Day

Beautiful Rainbow Falls Hilo Hawaii. Moving is always measured against the extraordinary Trans Pacific moves made by yours truly. This is a cakewalk in comparison.


Post begun Dec 2 2008 7 pm

This will be the last night I sit out here on our lanai and well do anything today the packers came and packed up all of my precious things. Two curio cabinets full of treasures. Six book cases full of books some of which I needed to get rid of before now...well they will be making the journey accross the village to my new home. Their new home, 6 new book cases of vaious sizes and woods will be comming in another day or so along with the new bedroom suite and handy dandy lift up coffee table. The packers were quite efficient and only took three hours to do their thing. I had done quite a bit of the packing and move over a van load of stuff each time I travel over to Metfield and my new abode. The trip is 20 miles round so its best to not waste the gas.

I went to the Metfield Methodist Christmas dinner last night. One of the things that I gain with this move is a new "Sheperd Group" This is mostly a social entity, dinners out that sort of thing. But from what I have seen this group is younger and more active and everyone that was present last night was a "doer" some one very active in the operation of the church...(our pastor and his family are a part of this group as well). I went alone and had a lovely time. A bit of explanation on my solo situation but most took it in stride. Its a shame because we wont be getting back together....(I would be shocked)and I think this is the start of a new chapter in both of our lives

And so it goes. Packers today, movers tomorrow, furniture people the next day, cable comes after that. Then...the next day is a funeral for the husband of a church friend. Dead after a long painful illness, this is a hugely sad event for the whole church...then sunday and we do it all over again. I can bearly breathe for the thought... that I am leaving this house, to return only as a guest...When I came here in 2005, that was an impossible thought.


moving in 3 Ashton Circle

Labels: Hawaii, Marriage

November 11, 2008

Home Ts Where The Heart Is

Locust Grove, built in the early 1800 by the sister of George Rogers Clark, founder of Louisville, and liberator of the Northwest Territories, Locust Grove park, Louisville Kentucky

Post started nov 8, 2008

I think its one of the most basic feelings that we have as human beings...the need to belong and have a place that is ours to say "this is my home". It doesn't always mean a roof over our heads as some tribes in the Amazon live in semi sheltered environments but they have a sense of place...from the Bedouin and his tent to the Roma woman and her wagon to the now nearly extinct Gypsy Trucker living out of his cab, the nomad has a sense of place. For most of us this means a roof and walls, heat and light, and something to rest our weary bodies upon after a long hard day. For those of us in the west we are the most blessed in this area with the poorest of us having luxurious shelters compared to most people in the world.

my little white shack reborn 6 years after I sold her. New paint roof and porch railing took what I had done a long way


I have been blessed to have lived in nicer homes than most...only once in what would be called "substandard" housing but that little wood framed house on Midway st. didn't stay "substandard" for long as I renovated it into a little doll house. "Midway 'round the Bend" I called it. Giving that name from the directions given to me to find it "Go down Flower to where it becomes Flora Vista then when you get to Chicago go left to Midway, as you go round the bend you will see it right away..."and so on It was also "midway" because I never had the money or the ability to finish the renovation and sold it as is before we moved to Hawaii in 2001. I made a killing on it as far as profit goes but it was mine...not Woody's and my place and since then I have felt or been made to feel as though I have been living in someone Else's home...

My castle in paradise Hale Puu Honua Pahoa Puna Big Island of Hawaii


We bought a lovely ranch house in Hawaiian Shores subdivision about 25 miles southeast of Hilo on the Big Island. I named that home "Hale Pu'u Hounua",(home a place of refuge). We arrived just after the 9-11 attacks and thought that we had perhaps come to a place of peace and safety. A place where we could start over and have a new life together...Aloha outside aloha inside...Unfortunatly home is always where you are at and the struggle that Woody and I had on the mainland didnt go away just because we changed zip codes. I struggled to make that home mine as I struggled to adapt and deal with life on the island. I never did quite get that house to feel like home, no matter what I did. I worked long hours at the store and didn't have the help I needed from Woody or anyone else to keep up with the kind of maintenance that is required in that wet hostile environment.It was all we could do to keep food on the table and the creditors at bay...The neighbors were hostile, the churches we tried unwelcomming... From mold to foot long venomous centipedes to the flying cockroaches it was a constant battle. I felt the house resisted my efforts at every level just as Hawaii resisted our becoming truly a part of her fabric of life there. I let go of that home and that life with few regrets other than the pain of losing the intimate touch one has with the spirit of Hawaii when you actually live there...if you are open to it. I joined the Hawaiian Diaspora and like so many others long for a day when I can return even to visit...

my dream house in the trees Hale Pau'Hana Huakai Bella Vista NW Arkansas


Coming to Arkansas was a prayer to God of "let me come home and settle, be a wife, join a church become a part of the fabric of life here and live happily everafter..."I thought that I had a commitment from Woody for that exact thing...that I could be a wife and homemaker. As we renovated the house I was ablle to incorporate details that I love ... It reflects a lot of my personality and my desire to make this house cosy, warm and hospitable. I had big dreams but they didnt last long. I have never completely unpacked from the voyage accross the seas. I took a job that I thought would inspire a similar effort from my husband, and as my readers know that has not been the case. The house I named Hale Pau'ana Huakai (home after the long journey)but the journey has not ended. I have struggled with my husband over expectations that while resonable, he can never meet. Because I am always working and have had little free time, I havent been able to really settle in and make this place my own. My home has not ceased to look like a moving and storage facility even though we have gone through nearly every box. When we chose to take separate bedrooms I moved all of my home office and library into the master bedroom creating a crowded cluttered space that screams "failure" everytime I walk into it. The bed is new and very comfortable but I get no rest. I feel like I am sleeping in the stacks of a library. Since returning home from Louisville I have developed an allergy to the cats that is severe and requires that they stay out of my space. I am effectively cut off from the rest of the house and live in my half for now.

The pile of apartments on the ninth green Legends of Indian Springs Louisville KY


I realized while I was in Louisville that by living in solitary less cluttered conditions I was more at peace and content. I knew that this would mean moving out on my own and leaving behind a large portion of my "things" I know this is the right thing to do for many reasons. first I lived quite happily without this stuff for seven months. That tells me a lot. Two I am ready to make a big change in style. I fell in love with a very modern sofa this week and realized that this is my chance to redecorate and do something new that fits my new outlook on life. On top of that Woody paid for 90 percent of our furniture and stuff so he should get to keep it.

I am looking at a lot of homes right now it is amazing to me how many are available with terms that are astounding to say the least. I started with a leasing company tha we first used when we arrived here. I contacted them on line and they ran my credit while in Louisville. I hope to find something in the next few weeks that will suit and I can get settled in soon. Woody is very supportive and has even gone out with me to look at properties and made sugestions. I find it strange that he would asist his runaway wife in finding a new nest but then I dont understand a lot of things about him and perhaps need to step back and think about this whole adventure of a life together. No blame attached. Just understanding.

Mark my counselor in Louisville asked me to look for small things that tell me about Woody and how he feels. I see them, from his brilliant attempt to clean up to his heroic drive to get me home from Louisville and trying this past week to be sweet and good as I try to find my bearings here in Bella Vista. I am constantly reminded that home is where the heart is... I need to find my heart...somewhere I lost it in all of this moving around

Labels: Bella Vista, Family History, Hawaii, Kentucky, Louisville, Marriage

September 29, 2008

The Journey Continues~A Spiritual Birthday Conversation

Reflection of Glory...Twilight clouds reflecting off of a volcanic tide pool near Pohiki Puna Distric Big Island of Hawaii

Father: You know what today is?

daughter: Yes of course its my birthday. It was 20 years ago that we really met and started to get to know each other.

Father: How do you feel about that?

daughter: Its been a wild strange trip for sure. I dont understand a lot of the reasons we have gone the way we have or why we are on the road we are on now, but I am ok with it...and that wouldnt matter anyway because we are going no matter what...

Father: Hmmm well yes that is true but how you accept the journey makes a huge difference in how you will feel about it as we go along. If you struggle against what I know to be the right thing for you its going to seem very laborious. Also if you try to get ahead of me, you might miss a turn that we need to make. I will always go where you want to go, its up to you, but you might miss something that you wouldnt want to miss along the way...For example, had you known that the portion of our journey that took us to Hawaii would be so very hard you might have said "lets not go there..." but you trusted Me...Remember the day you took this photo, when you and Woody drove the Puna road and saw the Hawaii of peoples dreams...

daughter: Yes, I remember the smell of the sea and its roaring accross the lava flows to the shore the whooshing sound as it gathered in the pools full of fish and other living things...Your earth is so alive it literally breathes with its own breath... Hamakua... God's Breath. I knew that you were with me then, and it was ok... all of the rough places...

Father:Is the journey now OK?

daughter: I dont know how I feel about it. Yesterday as I sang with the worship team at church I remembered that while at Hosanna,I once told you that to do that one time would be honor enough, let alone seven years of it. I enjoyed it that much...and will miss what I am doing now just as well, I think. Well, I am going to lay this thing down that I love so much to go back to an uncertain future that will not have such times for me...

Father: I am glad that you are doing the right thing. Its better to face the things that beset us and move on rather than avoid confrontation. Remember that I love you and that I will be with you. While the way seems uncertain, I know where we are going. This path has been set for you before the world was formed. I will provide and make a way for you in this new wilderness that you are entering. Remember that while the wilderness is a challenging enviroment it is also a place where I can be seen and recognized more clearly. I can manifest my power to save and can shape your life so it conforms more and more to the Image of My Son. Are you willing to let me do that?

daughter: I said yes to that very question 20 years ago on the beach in California, and I affirm that promise again now...

Father: I am very pleased that you trust me. Hold on to me and My Word. I promise that the adventure is just beginning

The difficult way...a pathway of stones crossing a tidal drainage stream in Lillioukalani Park Hilo Hawaii

Labels: Faith, Hawaii, Praise and Worship

September 26, 2008

From Sea to Shining Sea~A Blogaversary post

z
Shining Seas North Shore Oahu Hawaii

I have seen my wide blue sea in many moods and in many places in this world. The vastness and everchanging nature of the ocean never ceases to facinate and amaze me. The vast ocean of human experience is like this too and I am constantly amazed at how wonderful and varied humans and the human condition is


.Sea of Dreams near San Destin Florida

I discovered the Internet and bloging in 2003 and found a whole new vista a whole different world and dived right in.Blogging became my passion. I loved sharing my Hawaii and my life with others and making friends along the way. It gives me joy to see a response to a post or to get an email for a more personal message. You have followed my Journey and shared my life and your kind words touch my heart
z


California Dreaming Surfs up at Seal Beach Orange County CAlifornia

And so I begin my sixth year of blogging with a hearty thanks to all who take the time to read these humble scriblings. It is my hope that they give you as much pleasure to read as I get from writing them

God Bless you!


The burning sea Sunset over the Gulf of Mexico Port St. Joe Florida

Labels: Blogging, California, Florida, Hawaii, Traveling

June 18, 2008

Lest I Forget

the original dream, Azure Seas Jewelry 114 Haili st. Hilo Big Island of Hawaii

I dont want to forget life lived in a different world, that ran on a different clock. The sense that you were living on the edge of the world 2750 miles from anywhere, at the center of creation where Kilauea's lava was in constant motion creating new land at a record rate. I want to grab onto and hold onto the memory of dreaming a big dream and seeing it flow into a reality, only to be challenged by that reality to cling to the Unseen Reality of a God bigger than any problem I faced, that would come to my aid when it was His time and in His way... not mine... I dont want that to fade away into the bottom drawer of my memory...

But daily more and more things press into me and its hard to remember the truth of Hawaii. That its beauty is more than skin deep. Most people just take the skin, but I have seen to the bone into the heart and soul of a place people just dream of and never see.It is a part of my very being now, I will never look at life quite the same way again after living on an island full of unique places and people... I want to carry that with me, that while "Aloha" has come to be a casual greeting, it really means "to be blessed with the breath of God" to be loved by That which is greater than anyone or anything that comes against me.

.

Two blocks from the bayfront, and housed in what had been the local whorehouse, the Cunningham Hotel, 180 square feet of space, in a bad economy two blocks from the action, God made my dream a reality, and no it wasnt easy

I wrote the post "Fading Reality"two and a half years ago, as I was realizing that I was losing touch with one of the things that made the Hawaii Experience so unique and powerful, my unshakable belief that where God guides He provides and if I cling to Him he will make a way for me in every situation. As I sit here tonight watching a thunderstorm break over the Ohio valley I realize that I have started to touch again this truth...It comes in the quiet... around the edges of your mind and sinks slowly in and forms and you go "Ah Yes,...I see it now..."

.


Woody at the computer, minding the store

There are a lot of things that make it hard to hear that voice and to see that unseen reality. I think the worst thing is my anger and bitterness at Woody. I have to admit that being here and having the peace of not seeing him, his destructive behavior, his choosing to ignore the future by making foolish choices in the present... His lack of acceptance of the reality of relationship... which translates into no warmth no affection no acceptance responsibility to the relationship, and I mean by that, he doesnt seem to feel accountable to me for anything just made me feel like I was invisible. The working at Transplace. I loved many of the people that I worked with but the work was so unsatisfying and I would come home in the dark to a house full of indifferent creatures, even Annabelle would rather be in Woody's arms than mine... (even now...little traitor)... On the weekends If Woody left the room so did both cats and the dog and If I would follow them they would all go someplace else. I would sit in front of the TV and cry. I expected the respect that the breadwinner shoud get but what I got was a cold sholder, and my requests were ignored. Woody had the new car to drive,the run of the house with little responsibility and the love and affection of our "children". Coming home night after night last winter to a cluttered, dirty, cold house and empty bed at 2 am depressed me to the limits... Even now nothing has been done in the house since I left. I shudder at the possible condition of the place. With windows so dirty you cant see out and a two inch layer of cat hair on the floor... that was how I left it, day after day... and when I left for Louisville

I did little to stem the tide of neglect. I had little time for anything other than work and Annabelle, and yes that was my choice Yes, it was my choice to let go of everything and not care for myself...I gained all of the weight I lost back and more I think, I could never bear to look at the scale.I would find myself looking in the mirror and seeing "failure" rather than a strong person that can do what needs to be done. I was seething all of the time, angry that if we were dividing the costs why were we not dividing the responsibilities? "And if you are a stay at home house boy cant you lift a finger and do something"...I would say that everynight when I came in the door and go to bed angry longing for someone to understand

God did, but I couldnt hear Him over the sound of my own rage.


the line...my cases set up . I had a lot of vendors that trusted and believed in my dream.

Not anymore. I am here in Louisville of my own choosing, and making a life. My apartment is clean and my doggy loves me and I dont feel ignored, because I have chosen to be alone. There is quite a difference. I left the scale back in Arkansas, but I have ordered clothing this week and bought some two sizes smaller. My face is unlined and my frown muscles dont hurt me from overuse.Yes I have issues with the school...it hasnt worked as well as I had hoped, but a new door may be opening and I will try and walk through it and wee what it means. I am also thinking about getting a job here and staying for a bit. I might have to move into a cheaper apartment and buy some funiture but that is ok. Everything is up for grabs and I feel that by being alone, I am back to that place where I can hear God again

As for the business...having issues with the contractor who seems to be unable to paint the walls let alone be trusted with the rest so we shall see. I have decided that I may buy equipment and work in a empty room on folding tables at first... Again I dont want to get ahead of God. I am open to however this works out

Like Hawaii so many things have to come together. The goal that I have and am working twords may not be what God is trying to do in my life... I just need to try to relax and remember. God has brought me safe thus far and His Grace will bring me home...in His time...


the back office

Labels: Azure Seas Jewelry, Business start up, Faith, Hawaii

May 07, 2008

The Selling of Memories

The Old Downtown of New Albany Indiana, where I am attending jewelers school. This is the heart of a community revitalization project that has brought 50 new businesses employing 300 plus people (including the school which moved there from another city last September)to this nearly 200 yearl old city on the skids. Sadly, things are not going well as the dismal economy is taking its toll. With the elections held yesterday both candidates spent a lot of time here, people hoping for a Democratic win and renewal through "change"...

"Please I really need as much as I can get... you still buy gold dont you?..."

Charlie nods as the harried looking woman with her school age children in tow, drops a baggie full of chains and earrings and other jewelry on the counter. Charlie dumps the bag out and begins to sort and test each peice of gold. As she waits she stikes up a conversation with the retired watchmaker that comes in two days a week. The state of Indiana has a law that during the winter, your power and heat cannot be turned off for any reason, but after May 1st, you get a three day notice. This lady was one of a number of people that came in with desparation on their faces...

There was quite a bit and the final total of a lifetime of gifts and treasured momentos was..."$534.89...I'm sorry I wish it was more but we buy for scrap only and the stones are not counted. If you want them they will be two buck a peice to remove..."

"Its not enough, I owe 1600 dollars to the power people, maybe I can stave them off... ok I will do it." Her ID is copied, and a release is signed...A check is written and she went on her way. Charlie sighs... and mutters "I wish I could do more..." as he dumps the little containers with the various karat weights into the storage boxes that eventually go to the refiner to be melted down...

I wonder sometimes if I really understand. I know what it was like to be in that kind of a situation. We sold a timeshare we loved, a pick up truck, a riding mower. I put hundreds of personal belongings into consignment and sold much of the stuff our mothers gave us...let alone the store inventory that I sold for a song when we needed money during those fateful years in Paradise. Woody had a job that due to the low wage and the expenses of just getting him to the job and keeping him there dragged us into the hole every six weeks... the money crunch was a nightmare. We nearly lost our house, and would have come back to the mainland with suitcases as so many people do. But God delivered us...

I am not like the lady that sold her wedding rings off of her finger yesterday. Young and expecting, with a husband in Iraq, she was laid off and was facing losing her apartment because she cant juggle all of her bills now that she has just the money he sends her. Her prospects of getting a job in her condition are slim to none. Charlie tried to tell her to just pawn it because 250.00 was all he could give her. She took the money and signed her lovely ring away. Charlie took it and put it the safe... "If her husband comes home he may want to buy that back... dont tell anyone I just did that." I wanted to cheer.

I have been broke. when newly single in 1988, I joked that I needed 2.5 dates a week to get by and thank God for free food at Happy hour at Acapulco because I ate there a lot. It helped me make my 280.00 a week go just a little further. I have gone hungry, and have found bags of groceries on my front porch delivered in the dark by kind friends. But I have yet to sit in the dark or face the cold for lack of heat, nor ever slept in my car like friends I know have at times in their lives. I fear that sort of thing... it gnaws at me

So here I sit in my lovely apartment with my fuzzy little yipper, thankful, but wary because this is a national trend, check out this articleWe have been doing this slowly for years, selling things to pay off other bills and I fear that we will be reduced to this. Woody doesnt understand how to live like this, on the edge, and has no words of comfort for me. He tells me I am stupid to think this way. Im not. It could happen to any of us.

Labels: Conner School, Current Events, Hawaii, Marriage

March 16, 2008

John 12:12-19 The Triumphal Entry

Tropical Palms Polynesian Cultural Center Laie Oahu Hawaii


The Triumphal Entry

The next day the large crowd that had come to the feast heard that Jesus was coming to Jerusalem.So they took branches of palm trees and went out to meet him, crying out, “Hosanna! Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord, even the King of Israel!”And Jesus found a young donkey and sat on it, just as it is written,

“Fear not, daughter of Zion;
behold, your king is coming,
sitting on a donkey's colt!”

His disciples did not understand these things at first, but when Jesus was glorified, then they remembered that these things had been written about him and had been done to him.The crowd that had been with him when he called Lazarus out of the tomb and raised him from the dead continued to bear witness.The reason why the crowd went to meet him was that they heard he had done this sign.So the Pharisees said to one another, “You see that you are gaining nothing. Look, the world has gone after him.”

Labels: Hawaii, scripture