August 04, 2009

The Way of Aloha

Beautiful Hanuma Bay Oahu Hawaii

Go very slowly, very quietly, from one duty to the next, taking time to rest and pray between. Do not be too busy. Take everything in order. Venture often into the rest of God and you will find peace From 24 Hours A Day by Richmond Walker
with a hattip to Scott at Attitude of Gratitude

I saw this on Scotts blog, which I have been reading. This man has worked his program and I have admired that for a long time. As I enter my second week of solitude.. True solitude because while I have my friends at church and I love them, and I know that they care for me, I dont feel that there is an anchor for me to hold me to anything, wither it be person place or institution. However, I love this area and I am hopeful that a job will come through soon

I am really trying to go slowly, not get to far ahead of myself, not dwell on the past, and not worry that perhaps I will run out of money, get kicked out of this house before I am ready to leave, or that I will finally give up like so many people have done in this town Sam Walton built.

I have spoken to Woody, he is contentedly parked at his boyhood friend's spare room, tending Jim's dog, while Jim and his nephew are in Stockholm, where the Jim's elder brother and father of the nephew is spending his second year in diplomatic service there. Woody got a new phone number, which frees me to change my phone number and plan. I am looking to reduce my overhead and if I dont get a job I will have to stop all payments to anyone, eating and a/c, gas and Internet are my core needs. I dont think I will be thrown out of my house tomorrow.

I have had great interviews this past week, but I saw at several of the places the dozen or so other people interviewing for the same twelve dollar and hour job. That is what is so difficult I think, but I keep plugging.

I worked a tough job for minimum wage last week. Its something Ive done before, but every time I do it they agency pays less and less... Call Walmart stores to see if they have received promotional shipments and what did they do with them. The agency called 30 people to get the three they got to work this for 7.25 per hour. The finalist were a lady so disabled she could barely walk into the building., a young man who lost his first job 6 months ago and his parents felt he wasnt doing enough to find work so they threw him out and he now sleeps in his car... and myself. I found myself consoling him that I understood his pain, as Dawn, the disabled lady consoled me with a little Bible study and prayers from her church in the Missouri countryside.

I have been attending an Al Anon meeting and reading literature. I see the point, and how I really am in need of this help. I am hopeful that I will make new friends and learn more and more ways of making change within myself. How I would have been so much better if I had gotten this kind of help sooner...or even understood tha this is what I needed.... I know that I have a lot of culpability in how things went down, that while Woody was certainly the problem, I wasnt helping him and especially myself living like a madwoman... and that my life emotionally has been totally unmanageable.

There have been some challenges, some misunderstandings, and moments where I had to make a decision that others might think crazy but I know are the right thing. For example the insurance company issued a check for 900.00 for some damage the was repaired. My name was on the check, and yes the money would have really helped. I feel that Woody should have reembursed me for the money taken by the bank in the spring, but he feels that he was entitled to everything from the sale of the house and all of this money as well. I could be begging on the street and he feels that is justice for all I have taken from him. I signed the check over and deposited into his personal account with friends at the bank saying that it was not right....I can only trust that God will provide for me everytihing that I need.

Case in point, last week I got an invitation to come to Little Portiion Retreat Center for a week of discernment, and to spend some time with John Michael Talbot in retreat. They are comping me the room, and my vet is comping me boarding for Abi... I am having her spayed while I am gone, so I wont have to worry about her going into heat when I am not able to deal with that.I received a half price coupon for the NWA Animal Rescue people. I know her breeder feels she should be a year old, but I see that all of her teeth are coming in she is old enough now. I am so greatful for this time away. My "people" are working on jobs for the following week and I will have internet acess for email checking while I am there. I have planned to clear my mind and not think about Woody or Mr. Wonderful during the time there..

My counselor has really gotten on me about my about this emotional affair and thinks that much of my deep depression is due to that and to my missing him. She is likely right. He haunts me and at times I feel rediculous and at other times I really want to just die for the wanting of him. Its becuse I put off this grieving over it and I need to just settle down and do it... So I am praying for a release from that bondage freeing both him and I for a new phase in our lives. Its a process. She feels this is actually more binding than my marriage to Woody, that I am more emotionally tied to this person. I am facinated by this whole thing and horrified at the same time... So I am praying and going to try to clear my mind... I am thankful that Abi makes me get out of bed in the morning...

Speaking of Abi...

I think she is getting to be a very pretty girl. I find that I dont take as many pictures of her because she never stops moving! so few of the ones I take come out clear... Monings are our favorite time, she has come to love sleeping with me and is so cuddly sweet in the morning I dont want to get up and start the day!

My life is more and more becomming a venture of living a life of Aloha. I am more and more trying to live one day at a time one hour at a time.. The life of Aloha...It is a process and a culture I want to develope within myself... it is my goal

Labels: AA, Abigail, Hawaii, Little Portion, Relationships, Woody, working