May 20, 2010

The Prodigal Returns

Woody in his native place, Seal Beach CA 2008


The Prodigal Returns

A little meditation on the word forgive can throw some rather surprising light on our understanding of the word.

We are asked to forgive those who have injured us. Unless we have first judged and condemned them for what they did, there would be no reason for us to forgive them. Rather we would have to forgive ourselves for judging

Scripture says: “Judge not that ye be not judged” If we do not judge-no matter how great the injury or how pre meditated- we are at fault. Following this train of thought to its logical conclusion, we can see that we can forgive only ourselves. In doing so, we also forgive the person whose action we have resented

“thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself” tells me I must first make peace with myself before I can learn to love others. I must remind myself constantly that I can never know any other person’s motives and conditioning. I must for my own sake, accept them as they are a large ingredient of that acceptance is loving tolerance.

Father, forgive them for they know not what they do…Luke

And forgive me for judging and retaliating. Help me to forgive myself . I know this is the first step toward spiritual security

From One Day At A Time in Alanon April 29th reading

I find myself fearful that these good times wont last…I have not had an extended period of peace and happiness in my life in decades There has always been something to come along and mar the beauty of a moment. People think I am overly negative… Im just reporting the news

I talk to my therapist about this. I talk to my “Moms” these are two ladies near to my mother’s age that I have adopted as my surrogate mothers. One is a retired social worker with a gift for listening and asking penetrating questions that spur me to greater efforts in my recovery and life. She is wonderfully supportive with phone calls notes and little outings. The other lady is a neighbor. She is a witty, worldly wise woman, 5 times married (twice to husband number 3) and is not afraid to say what needs to be said to me. Both ladies love Abigail, and will walk her when needed. I have used all of their support these past few weeks as I have confronted the past and tried to integrate my new outlook on life with a reality that I knew would finally come to pass.

. Just when I thought that things were going to settle… I had a phone call from Woody a month ago . Out of money, out of friends, out of people’s good graces, he was given some money and told to be gone. So much for the childhood friendships of a lifetime…. These were the friends that he wanted to emulate, that I believe deep in his soul he longed to be a true brother, a part of their family…

Those friends that he put ahead of me so many times...When I think about the past and those people it burns me up… Every Saturday, it was them, every birthday weekend, “ Oh the boys are going for the opening of Del Mar…” I was never included in their gatherings and many of them never bothered to be introduced. When he was with them he spent money like the big money people they are… I don’t know what to think of them, but I do know that once Woody didn’t have money anymore they didn’t want Woody.

I wonder how that must have felt. These men were a part of his life that he cherished. He wanted to belong to this family to this group all of his life . To have them treat him like that…yet, they all know that he spent his money and hasn’t worked. They know what happened here with me. Perhaps there just wasn’t any sympathy left for him.

So he comes back here to NW Arkansas. It is cheaper here, and people are more accepting I think. I have certainly found it so. But that doesn’t mean its easy here. This is, as one friend put it a, “right to starve “ state. Very little in the way of public services, no general relief, and I was never able to qualify for any public assistance. I am not unsympathetic. Woodys situation is sad and scary to me. He is nearly 60. His hair is nearly white, pretty though, but he has aged poorly, is unsteady on his feet, and not well. He has high blood pressure and diabetes that is not well controlled… He has no family left, certainly none here and no prospects for a job. He has now gone through his little bit of cash and as soon as he gets kicked out of the little camping cabin hes renting for 100.00 a week, he will be back to living where he was living when he first came back here, in the parking lot of the Walmart Super Center , Pleasant Grove.

He is in good company, there are a dozen families living there, camping in the evenings. I know the staff there at the super center, as that is where I have done my after work, after midnight shopping for several years. A few nights ago I was there and as I parked I saw a old style van pull up from the back of the parking lot and out piled a woman and five small children… they walked in and went straight to the bathroom, to the shaking of heads of the associates… I told them that Woody was my former husband, and they remembered him and said they would look out for him if he came back there, and that it was a shame that a vet is homeless after serving our country like he has…

I don’t know what to think about this situation… Alanon and my program stresses detachement . This is not my problem I didn’t cause it I cant cure it and I cant control it. All things I have had to learn this past year. Woody made this happen How many times did I ask him to get work and not to spend his retirement his savings on crap that had no value. I have said what I can and now it is time to leave it. I don’t own any of this, and will not take it on as baggage

But I cant really, because he didn’t look back when he left me last summer, down to my last dime. Frightened, alone in many ways, the people around me not sure what to do or how to help me…if they should help me… or do we have to help her just because we are related… Thank God and a few brave, trusting, friends that believed in me, that I too didn’t end up sleeping in the Walmart parking lot. One snowy afternoon I was with Abigail in my van and I was watching the snow fall… I had been working about a month and said out loud to my sweet Abi how wonderful it was to have a warm bed, and a safe place to sleep and to live. I will never, never, never, forget how close I was to homelessness, and to those who choose to look down on the less fortunate I am here to tell you that most people cant help it that they are in this situation. Even Woody, who I believe is ill and not mentally capable to manage his affairs, this is not all his fault. Yes he could have done differently, but he has yet to discuss this with me, I don’t understand his thinking and perhaps never will. I don’t have to but perhaps there would be closure… I don’t know.

Woody is not moving in with me. I have an agreement to not take a room mate as my landlord doesn’t want to deal with subletting issues. I don’t blame him. I have been firm about how much contact I want…and even that sometimes is difficult for me. I see him and am reminded of the rejection and the pain I suffered while being married to him. Woody will never admit he is to blame for a lot of our issues, hey I have my issues as well, but the truth is I was reacting to him, for that I am sorry but he was doing stuff to make our life abnormal and impossible. For his sake, his not working and going through that money was a horrible mistake, the pain and heartache that caused me, as I worried about it I have often thought that he did it just to watch me suffer, a control issue. I know that I did a lot of things based on his behavior that were hurtful. I’m sorry for that as well.

And so it goes. An impoverished old age is my future which scares the heck out of me, and Woody, I don’t know what life will bring him already it is sad, pathetic even. He says things to me when he comes to the house… like my being there and having what I have is a surprise to him and that some how magically I have all of this…my home and my dog and my life… DAMN IT I WORKED SO HARD TO KEEP WHAT I HAVE AND NEVER GAVE UP, THAT’S WHAT… hed have a life too if he had fought just a little to keep what we had, if he’d taken the lead in our home and family and done the right thing…now… it was because he didn’t give two cents about me about himself or anything else. He cares now, but that’s because it is pretty awful to go without bathing and living in your stolen car…yes stolen because hes not made a 700.00 a month car payment in many months. I don’t know what will happen when his loan people catch up with him and turn him out of his home… I have a number of friends that think it is ironic that he is living in his car, since it was a car that started the incredible downhill slide that has lead to the events of the last year

It’s a long way from the Mauna Lani to this place we find ourselves in, I feel at a loss many times… just lost. Its bewildering.

But I press on

My friends, Barbara and Diane both tell me that I need to somehow move on from my feelings about this situation, Move forward…but its really hard when I am looking at the past… looking him right in the face and cant say what I feel. I look at him and can feel love towards him but I also feel the pain… the word “rejected” burning in my forehead once more… When he came to see me the first time I felt like a plant that had just begun to bloom in the early spring only to have winter come back and freezing the tender leaves, turning them black and ugly…The ugly are the wounds that hatred and rage burned into my inner being, that have only recently started to heal. I found that I couldn’t write, even letters or in my journal, let alone on line, I couldn’t hardly talk to my therapist about it, I have all of these feeling stuffed deep down inside of me. Feelings that want to come out, that need to be let out. My therapist gave me a project… to read the book of Job, and write about seeing myself in the book and how God dealt with me. That wallowing in the past only made me more depressed. I have given up that track and now am reading and trying to see how God is dealing with me in the present moment and that is going a lot better. It turns on the Gratitude meter , and I find more joy in the daily journey.

I have the opportunity at intervals to talk to him. I sometimes stop by Pleasant Grove on my way home from work. As we talk over trivia, I am pretty much frustrated at Woody’s lack of understanding and willingness to talk about the issues of the past. I want to let it go but I am confronted by the past every time I see him. There has never been closure or resolution at all… The conflicting feelings of anger and angst, my concern that he will be spending a very long time in a parking lot because I have my doubts about his employability, and my desire to not be involved and the feeling that as a Christian I have a responsibility to help, after all one can get divorced, but one can never become unmarried to someone. All of this leaves me baffled and confused. I reach for my Conference Approved Literature and read about detachment and affirmations of self worth… I say Diane’s mantra over and over “I am worthwhile…I am worthwhile…” that seems to undo the predations of enduring Woody’s destructive behavior.

The darkness cycles. I see him, I do his laundry, the laundry of a homeless man with issues that make it a penitential act to do this. I think about how Jesus touched lepers, and cared for those people that others rejected. Woody is no longer feeling like a well loved child of privilege. I wonder how he feels. I have always hoped that I underestimate his level of feeling but much of the time it appears that he isn’t the feeler or thinker that I am. I fold the clean clothing and place it in a trash bag, and deliver it to a dark parking lot and ask God to help all of this make sense to me. I believe with all of my heart that He has a plan for each of us. We just need to have the will to pray for the will to carry it out

Labels: AA, Family History, Personal Growth, Relationships, Woody

January 01, 2010

We’ll Take A Cup Of Kindness Yet

Snowy Pasture Benton County Arkansas

Post completed 1-3-09

"Your life has taken many a difficult turn, but now a year later, you have come through, you have stood the test, have kept the faith. Your life is now a blank canvas, ready for The Lord and you...YOU (as she gently poked me with her finger)To create a new picture... to paint a new vision... Dont let ANYONE else paint on it..."


Sandy Andrews, on the feast of All Saints, when she returned to FUMCBV to remember the life of her departed husband Dr. Ed Andrews nearly one year after his death

Its a..
A New Day
A New Week
A New Month
A New Year
A New Decade

Like the Magi, we have discovered a star—a light and guide in the sky of our soul. “We have seen his star in the east and have come to worship him.” We have had the same experience. We too noticed a new light shining in our soul and growing increasingly brighter. It was a desire to live a fully Christian life, a keenness to take God seriously.

- St. Josemaria Escriva

I am out of a job and am a lady of leasure as of yesterday at 4 pm. I was ready to go. It wasnt a surprise. I made a decision that people were more important than production, names and stories rather than numbers and production. My stats went down and the decision to retain was in the end made just by the numbers. Im ok with that. I am afraid a little but I know God is with me and will provide for my needs

I have made a decision that I will be true to my God and his principles, True to my faith and the principles of the Church, and perhaps most importantly and as part and parcel to that which has proceeded... I will be true to myself, my needs, my feelings and my values... To have stayed on "top" at Walmart.com, meant I would have had to cheat, cut corners and ultimately sell out to the machine. I couldnt do that. My young up and coming boss was fired three weeks ago for fudging the numbers for the team...the others will be found out. I got a glowing letter of reccomendation and direction on how to find jobs with walmart. I will be working that job board heavily in the comming days

I also interviewed at a local trucking company. It was a three hour interview with a man who had been "meaning" to call me. I find the timing facinating... Its about as far away as any place I have interviewed so far... the only carrier futher away is CTI up in Joplin, but that cannot be a consideration...The manditory 45-50 hour work week cant be a consideration. Abigail locked in a cage day in and out cant be a consideration. I have to work. If the job is a success I will move closer to the terminal... which means not being so stuck on this house that I buy it and be locked in...everything is subject to re evaluation

I have come to some major decisions Nothing that was important before matters in 2010. Everything is up for grabs and for reconsideration...This includes relationships, prior commitments, and agreements. Nothing is going to be left "as it was" I cant afford that anymore.

First and foremost...Who or what is King in my life, and if Jesus is King in my life, and I have seen His star before me..the "Hokulea" the Star of Gladness, how committed am I to following that Star?... I was challenged both in a AA meeting I attended New Years Day and listening to Charles Stanley last night, that its not about the miricle of sobriety or just faith...you have to live it out,... accept the gift of salvation and releationship with God, but you have to do it, and that requires trust and obedience... As Dr. Stanley said, "How can you have relationship with someone you dont trust, you arent honest with, and are in rebellion to?" The answer is you cant be. My life with Woody was filled with these negative things. We had no trust, no transparency and because of the lack of love and understanding it made it impossible to not "rebel" so to speak against the other. I know he balked at anything and subtilely sabataged my efforts at a sober life and I found myself cursing him in my heart constantly as his lack of care of any part of our life together sucked the very will to live from my being. I found myself less and less willing to try to trust God because it seemed like I prayed and prayed for good and light as my heart grew darker and darker

The same with sobriety...Im pretty proud of the fact that I have now 21 years of sobriety but..have I been living a sober life? Its more than giving up the bottle, the condom, and the straw... Its living out The Steps, Traditions and Concepts which I havent done. I have tried to hold it together through sheer force of will, and as that crumbled, I found myself addicted to "love" and "hate" I fell in love with a man I can never have, just thinking about him gave me a buzz, and my daily cursing of Woody fueled a rage that became an addiction as strong as crack...Both of them are like crack really and just as lethal.

I am done with all of that. Woody has failed to contact me since he was here in November. We are done. I thought we could be friends but he wants to go his own way and the frustration of seeing him drink himself to death is not something I need in my life. If you are reading this farewell, I miss the you I used to know, not what you have turned into.

Mr. Wonderful left this area because of a job transfere last year. We have talked a few times but again nothing for a long time. He has moved on. For all of our sakes I need to move on as well. Let him go. I hear about how his family is doing though others he is in closer contact with, and its like a knife twist that I dont see him, yet we both know this would be a very bad idea...The emotions are fading and this makes me sad too. Farewell, my friend, have a wonderful life, you have earned it and deserve it. Thank you for being there for me when no one else was


Knowing him has been a bond with life, and a catalyst for change in my manner of living . He has a beautiful life, and in no way would I ever want to disrupt that. I need to be happy for the good times and have no regrets...

Lest you think this is about beating poor Hoku up, let me ease your mind. This will be the last said about any of this. I really am done with it all. There is a part of me that just wants to be free and I shall be. I have poured that New Years Cup of Kindness for myself as 2009 passed into 2010...as I listen to Christmas music even now Jan third and will likely leave my tree up till tax day cause I love it so.

I want to do things that will make me happy...even if they are hard or dont make sense to the rest of those around me. Its going to take a lot of work but its going to be worth it.

I believe in resolutions...goals more like... I have a few already thought up and mentally agreed upon for this year. They are:

Nothing is off the table with regards to what is best for Hoku...I have spent my whole life doing for others or what others thought was best for me. This year, in the face of great adversity I have tried to do what is best for me, and that will continue even if the costs rise in the interim...

I will pursue my faith...My faith is my primary vocation...and worship, how I worship, where I worship is very important. I currently minister in a church that is getting harder for me to be a part of. I will eventually have to decide if I continue there or withdraw completely in favor of either exclusivly attending the Catholic Church, or staying a hybrid and attending a evangelical church as well. I have a standing invitation to come to another body, a Disciples of Christ Church like Beargrass Church in Louisville where I attended while in Louisville. Sandy, the lady quoted above moved there after the death of her husband. That is if I feel the need for the teaching one gets in a protestant church, I might get plenty by utilizing the internet and books...I can also pray for change at FUMCBV, but right now there are enough difficulties that a move may be necessary even though I would miss my friends and leading worship terribly...

I will read 10 "Important" books. Not necessarily "classics" or "serious" works but I want to read books that will have a lasting effect on my thoughts and life.

Book 1 is in progress it is Jon Sweeny's "Almost Catholic". This book is for any person interested in Christian spiritual practices, not just Catholics or those that are in Catholic formation. Mr. Sweeney is High Church but not Catholic, his words say page after page things I have tried to say to those that are opposing my entering Holy Mother Church, that litugical practice frees us from the tyranny of the freedom to make our own way in the world spiritually and wondering if we are getting it right. I have experienced this first hand as I was run out of the ministry because I no long fit with the program... I watched a dear friend suffer at the hands of an abusive pastor because his worship leadership was not "cutting edge" enough..whatever that meant... You need structure and some foundation to build upon...

anyway those that read this blog please give me ideas, and list books at the end of this post that have impacted your life that you think would benefit me in my journey

I will file for bankruptcy, its no longer an option. I am being threatened with more than a lawsuit by a creditor right now. I will try to see a lawyer this week. Its not a matter either of pride or being a deadbeat. Its kinder to just get it overwith to everyone.

I will learn to crochet this year. I have a skein of yarn and a j hook and can chain stitch sort of already...

I will watch less tv and listen to more music, read more books and cruise Facebook less

I will be kind to myself.. I will say "I am worthwhile...I am worthwhile..." as many times as needed. I will never again visit the Walmart gun counter... I dont need to do that no matter who will be the first person to get that phone call...

I will be open to dating... I will be open to possibilities

Most of all... I will drink of the cup of kindness, weither given to me by friend or stranger, God or myself, and I will drink deeply and enjoy its fruits. I will also choose to pass that cup to all that I meet for God would have it so

Labels: AA, Catholic, Church, Faith, faith working, IN, Louisville, Praise and Worship, Relationships, Scenic Arkansas, Woody, working

August 04, 2009

The Way of Aloha

Beautiful Hanuma Bay Oahu Hawaii

Go very slowly, very quietly, from one duty to the next, taking time to rest and pray between. Do not be too busy. Take everything in order. Venture often into the rest of God and you will find peace From 24 Hours A Day by Richmond Walker
with a hattip to Scott at Attitude of Gratitude

I saw this on Scotts blog, which I have been reading. This man has worked his program and I have admired that for a long time. As I enter my second week of solitude.. True solitude because while I have my friends at church and I love them, and I know that they care for me, I dont feel that there is an anchor for me to hold me to anything, wither it be person place or institution. However, I love this area and I am hopeful that a job will come through soon

I am really trying to go slowly, not get to far ahead of myself, not dwell on the past, and not worry that perhaps I will run out of money, get kicked out of this house before I am ready to leave, or that I will finally give up like so many people have done in this town Sam Walton built.

I have spoken to Woody, he is contentedly parked at his boyhood friend's spare room, tending Jim's dog, while Jim and his nephew are in Stockholm, where the Jim's elder brother and father of the nephew is spending his second year in diplomatic service there. Woody got a new phone number, which frees me to change my phone number and plan. I am looking to reduce my overhead and if I dont get a job I will have to stop all payments to anyone, eating and a/c, gas and Internet are my core needs. I dont think I will be thrown out of my house tomorrow.

I have had great interviews this past week, but I saw at several of the places the dozen or so other people interviewing for the same twelve dollar and hour job. That is what is so difficult I think, but I keep plugging.

I worked a tough job for minimum wage last week. Its something Ive done before, but every time I do it they agency pays less and less... Call Walmart stores to see if they have received promotional shipments and what did they do with them. The agency called 30 people to get the three they got to work this for 7.25 per hour. The finalist were a lady so disabled she could barely walk into the building., a young man who lost his first job 6 months ago and his parents felt he wasnt doing enough to find work so they threw him out and he now sleeps in his car... and myself. I found myself consoling him that I understood his pain, as Dawn, the disabled lady consoled me with a little Bible study and prayers from her church in the Missouri countryside.

I have been attending an Al Anon meeting and reading literature. I see the point, and how I really am in need of this help. I am hopeful that I will make new friends and learn more and more ways of making change within myself. How I would have been so much better if I had gotten this kind of help sooner...or even understood tha this is what I needed.... I know that I have a lot of culpability in how things went down, that while Woody was certainly the problem, I wasnt helping him and especially myself living like a madwoman... and that my life emotionally has been totally unmanageable.

There have been some challenges, some misunderstandings, and moments where I had to make a decision that others might think crazy but I know are the right thing. For example the insurance company issued a check for 900.00 for some damage the was repaired. My name was on the check, and yes the money would have really helped. I feel that Woody should have reembursed me for the money taken by the bank in the spring, but he feels that he was entitled to everything from the sale of the house and all of this money as well. I could be begging on the street and he feels that is justice for all I have taken from him. I signed the check over and deposited into his personal account with friends at the bank saying that it was not right....I can only trust that God will provide for me everytihing that I need.

Case in point, last week I got an invitation to come to Little Portiion Retreat Center for a week of discernment, and to spend some time with John Michael Talbot in retreat. They are comping me the room, and my vet is comping me boarding for Abi... I am having her spayed while I am gone, so I wont have to worry about her going into heat when I am not able to deal with that.I received a half price coupon for the NWA Animal Rescue people. I know her breeder feels she should be a year old, but I see that all of her teeth are coming in she is old enough now. I am so greatful for this time away. My "people" are working on jobs for the following week and I will have internet acess for email checking while I am there. I have planned to clear my mind and not think about Woody or Mr. Wonderful during the time there..

My counselor has really gotten on me about my about this emotional affair and thinks that much of my deep depression is due to that and to my missing him. She is likely right. He haunts me and at times I feel rediculous and at other times I really want to just die for the wanting of him. Its becuse I put off this grieving over it and I need to just settle down and do it... So I am praying for a release from that bondage freeing both him and I for a new phase in our lives. Its a process. She feels this is actually more binding than my marriage to Woody, that I am more emotionally tied to this person. I am facinated by this whole thing and horrified at the same time... So I am praying and going to try to clear my mind... I am thankful that Abi makes me get out of bed in the morning...

Speaking of Abi...

I think she is getting to be a very pretty girl. I find that I dont take as many pictures of her because she never stops moving! so few of the ones I take come out clear... Monings are our favorite time, she has come to love sleeping with me and is so cuddly sweet in the morning I dont want to get up and start the day!

My life is more and more becomming a venture of living a life of Aloha. I am more and more trying to live one day at a time one hour at a time.. The life of Aloha...It is a process and a culture I want to develope within myself... it is my goal

Labels: AA, Abigail, Hawaii, Little Portion, Relationships, Woody, working

July 27, 2009

Exit Stage Left

Better days Woody and I on the farewell tour of Hawaii Polynesian Cultural Center Laie Oahu Hawaii 2005

...That's not to say that we know nothing about the future, because we do. Before you and I close this book and call it a day, I thought you might want to know how it all turns out. After all, life leaves us in the dark about so many things. When we're little, we think we know what we want to be when we grow up, but when we are grown, many of us no longer have a clue. We walk down the aisle, and make promises "till death do us part..." but God only knows who will part first. Our babies take their first steps across the floor just to get to us, but we have no idea where life will take them. Or if they'll still like us when they get there. We're dianosed with a cronic diseases and coldly told the survival rates, but we have no clue where our numbers fall in those statistics We watch world news and squirm with the fresh realization that a sound mind isn't necessarily a requirement for becomming a world leader. We wonder how in heaven's name some maniac hasnt lost his mind and blown up the planet yet. We blow dry our hair and wonder if we are contributing to global warming. If we live long enough, and stay lugged in enough, we end up asking the same question our parents and grandparents asked: "what's the world coming to?" We shake our heads like no one has any idea. "



From the book " Get Out Of That Pit!" by Beth Moore Thomas Nelson Pub. 2007

Woody left this morning for California. Check in hand for the proceeds of the house. He has a good chunk of change. I wish him well. On saturday I met him at the estate sale people's place. We both received envelopes with tallies. My total was for far less than I had hoped. My heart sank as I looked at the total.I gave up a lot of stuff, good stuff and got pennies on the dollar for it. I had hopes that there would be funds to fix my car and to have Abi spayed, to go to the doctor and to perhaps buy a few new peices of clothing so I dont look like a scarecrow when I interview. Frankly it really doesnt matter. I need what God gives me. I have given it my best shot and now I need to really focus on finding a job and finding a way to care for myself and for Abigail. I also need to gather myself and really set my heart on the things God wants for me above all else.

Woody is ... such a mess. He has had several falls in the last week or so. He looks like he was rolled in a parking lot for his wallet. Black and blue, skinned knees, black eye. He has called me as usual but has had little to say. It is really over now. Even the shouting is done. As we walked away from the place he stopped me and promised he would call as he made the drive so I wouldnt worry.He gave me a cursory peck on the cheek, and walked to his car and drove off. I know he is angry about things, bitter towards me and the drinking is taking a huge toll. Now that I know what to look for...

I stood there for a moment and thought about the losses I have suffered. Woody, Mak and Nani, our home, our life such as it was. But the biggest loss to me is hope. I spent so many years hopeing for better, begging God to help us. Trying to love Woody to figure out how I could be a wife when so many things that a wife normally does to give aid and comfort to her husband were not acceptable to him. I am still at a loss to say why he married me, why he stayed married to me, and what he truly feels or ever felt. It is a mystery and one that will haunt me to the end of my days.

Looking at the empty house a few days ago, remembering the joy of its discovery and my hope that this would be the end of our journey and that we could enjoy a real life together...not perfect but peaceful and content. I know what happened and that it was my discontent that effected the change... Truly I must admit that was and is a good thing. The person that showed me this huge darkness and gapeing hole in my life left me for his new life sometime ago, but just knowing him as a friend showed me that there is more to this life than what I have experienced. He challenged me to let Woody go, to find my joy again, return to ministry and to allow God to deliver me from despair and bitterness... He was right. I live in such a poverty of soul that it frightens me to think much about the past few years. I am hard pressed to think about how I will get out of this mental/spiritual pit, but I am starting to work on that. It is my hope that soon I will be able to look back and see that this was just a dark valley, a time of germanation under the ground...a death that brings forth new life...

And like a play, you have entrances and exits. This play in three acts...act one called California, act two called Hawaii and act three called Arkansas is over... Woody has followed his script and exited stage left...I am sitting alone again, just as I was December 14,1993, in a pool of light on the stage of life, leading worship, working in the trucking business, closer to God than ever... this is how I am reframing my life now. I will do better than survive this time. It is my fondest wish that I find answers to the deepest questions of my life. I will work the Program, and I will strive to get well. I will accept what is, forgive and let go of what can never be, and detach from what I cannot change and is no good for me. Its a long and difficult road ahead...

And so it goes, this is now "the rest of the story"... my story continues on one day at a time.

Labels: California, Cats, Faith, Hawaii, Marriage, Quotable Quotes, Woody

July 13, 2009

The Sundering

The Hale Pau'ana Huakai...The House At the End Of The Long Journey...certainly the place where the journey ended for Woody and I.

Neither of you can return to the house...by the time we are done with the sale no beds or furniture will be left it will all be sold to the bare walls.Both of your items are laid out side by side... It would not be fair to either of you if you came in when we arent here... The lady running our eastate sale pronounced to me...

The house is sold, the insurance company is paying to put a new roof on, and the neighbors have pitched in to help Woody clear away the accumulated grime of the neglect of months...I tried to start on it myself, and found that my grief, my disappointment and frankly overflowing anger and hurt did not allow me to do much... Woody parked on his ass watching golf while I tried to vacum with a wand that was only three feet long... I think he wanted to see me struggle with that so I would be stooped over in a groveling position. We ended up shouting and I heard for the upteenth time that I only am to him the sum of our accumulated wealth...which he has squandered and blames me for the situation we find ourselves in, he had only to look around at our treasures amidsts the filth... the gold amidst the trash... Our dream home, our dream life in ruins, It was never real because you only have life if you make it...living on the largesse of others is not living... You never go anywhere if you dont work for it. It was a life... but I was the only one driving it, and without the help of a partner wanting to go in the same direction, it was bound to crash.

Aloha my Popoki Makoa and KaNani...

If there are two creatures that have suffered through the desperation of our separation and divorce its Mak and Nani. I saw them a few days ago and they were in terrible shape. Overweight, matted and claws so overgrown that they are having surgery in the coming days to fix their feet and relieve the pain. Their new caregiver is their vet, who is going to try to find a good home for them... why dont I take them...because I may very well need to move soon and that could mean couch surfing, living in a small apartment, or living at a friends home. Abigail has a home with her breeder as long as I need to leave her there... Mak and Nani have been astranged from me since 2007 when I broke my foot. They became afraid of me then I worked nights and went to Louisville. They have forgotten I am their mom...the one that took them out of the cardboard box in the Hilo Famer's market, fretted over them and cried for them as we flew from Honolulu to Houston. Now they hiss when I try to go near them, and their mats are so deep that their skin is sore, so petting is unpleasent and hurts them. I know that things will be better for them any place but where they were

I didnt see them off today, as I was working... but I trust that Woody loves them and will do whats right for them...Its all I can do.

My Chinese desk symbolic of my business and my time in Hawaii

I took my things, including this fragile desk and related peices to the estate liquidators who salivated over it. I believe over half of the stuff that I brought here to Peartree was returned to the house for the sale. I filled the space in the house with something else, and its ok. The extra space is good... the money will be good and the letting go of something that will not make another journey intact... very good. My style has changed. My life has changed. A sleeker, more streamlined look, easier to clean and manage is more appropriate for me. The fabrics,patterns, books of my former domestic life, where I danced, made costumes and all of my own clothing has come to an end for now. It needs to be sold while it still has value, and here in quilting sewing heaven it does! All of the equipment I purchased for my aborted business is being looked at by jewelry pros in the area that are game to try at what I have no nerve to do now. I am letting go of that dream so I can change my life for the better. I have a plan now and if I can get a job soon I will be ok... selling this stuff will buy me time to get under way.

I am also letting go... so what is left of ME will stay intact. Woody is an alcoholic he confrims it by his loud denials and running around the neighborhood finding out if I have "talked" behind his back. I know that he is moving on, headed to a couch, and a job in California and that this is God's plan for me. I wish it could be on good terms.

But I fear that this will not be the case. I have yet to meet a drunk that refused help and still cared about his/her confrontor. Either your beloved drunk gets help, or you need to get going. My mother stayed for 30 years with my Dad. She had her reasons, but I am not going to do that and didnt do that. I also dont have to stay defeated either. Yes, I am going to my first meeting tomorrow night, and yes I am going to get well, whatever that means. If it means sleeping on a friends couch for a bit OK. It may mean 30 days at NW Arkansas Womens Shelter, that could be a good experience... If it means moving 1000 miles south I will do that. If it means uncertainty while I wait on God, and learn the true meaning of faith, I am committed to doing that.

I felt torn asunder this past weekend...I think today...thats a good thing. Its a finality that needed to happen. The Sundering, all of us going our separate ways frees me for what God has for me next. Abi and I are waiting, praying and hoping...

The New Journey is just beginning....

Woody in our backyard with my beloved Annabelle when she was three months old two years ago August 2007

Labels: AA, Abigail, Annabelle, Bella Vista, California, Faith, Hawaii, Marriage, Personal Growth, Woody

July 07, 2009

The Other Woman

The Stranger I Married Woody at Springfield Plantation, Mississippi

Started 7-02-09

When I did open my eyes, it was because I had to. And the man who showed me the truth was a fellow sufferer and a layman. Through him,I saw at last, and I stepped from the abyss to solid ground, knowing at once that my feet were on the broad highway if I chose to walk. ~Bill W with a hat tip to dear Scott at Attitude of Gratitude

My week this week has been one of surrender and discovery... of break through and heartbreak...and truthfully I feel more clear minded than I have in a long while. Like Brother Bill I feel like I have gained a footing and can walk if I choose...

It began a week ago, Woody came to the cottage to see little Abigail (little Ha! shes a whopping 6 pounds and a sturdy little piglet and goes into a frenzy when he comes over.)I have been struggling trying to stay positive in the face of criticism that I myself am somehow to blame for my situation. I have looked hard at my spiritual state not just now but in the past when I for want of a better word, cursed Woody for his weakness, his lack of...backbone... his neglect of me and our needs. Even as the foundation of our lives crumbled he would look me in the eye and say no to any sort of attempt to look for a job or seem to care. I know that I came to a place of speaking death rather than life into the situation, that only hurts myself. Now I find that everything that I ever wished on Woody is befalling me. I have repented and know that God will help me...

I was surprised at Woody's visit but even more surprised when he told me that he had been thinking a lot about my relationship with a mutual friend, and that with the recent disclosures of the Governor of South Carolina and his.."soul mates" ahem... that he felt he would ask... since there was a time in my life when I preferred married men to all other possibilities, had I crossed the line with this married man?...

No... the answer is no. In my heart...well... the heart wants what it wants and I have been hard pressed to deal with it at times... This has been a long struggle. In December of 2007 I wrote this piece about my struggles with my thought life. Its a hard road especially with my emotional life so barren. And with life harder and harder its been easier to indulge this. I know for a fact that the feeling is mutual with this person in a vague sort of way. I can tell and so could Woody the last time the three of us were together in the same place. I am not sure why he asked and was even more surprised that my little pet sin was so obvious to the guy who is a self described empathetic mud puddle... about that deep and that murky... Frankly I never thought that he paid that much attention to the deeper parts of my life... The gentleman in question took a new job a while back and moved his family hundreds of miles away. We talk once in a while but likely I wont see him again. Do I think God is in this? You betcha... For all of our sakes...

The next day was Sunday. Rev Sara did a bang up job, but Pastor David was very much missed. People only mentioned it in a hushed whisper. People want to do the right thing and life will go on... I came home and thought a lot about this whole situation. My situation with unemployment and divorce and the whole mess. I felt a distinct change in my church community as it tries to ajust to regime change and new set up. It added to my sense of loss and confusion...add Woody's questions and well...

I couldn't wait to unload all of this on my counselor Susan... who has been patiently waited for me to tell all someday... she got the whole story... A story that she had been waiting for for weeks...My emotional affair, that is crushing the life out of me because when you cant really have your Beloved the stress and pain can be overwhelming. For me the thought that I could actually feel something for someone, I felt alive... But in truth its like these young people that cut themselves with razorblades pathologically, It damages you even as you "feel" something. I think the worst thing is that it takes you out of the present and you cant live in the moment while doing this. And if you go too far it becomes adultery according to Our Lord... I never thought about this situation that way before.

So I left Susan with homework to practice speaking forgiveness, to three people in particular. First Woody, then Mr. Wonderful, for innocently egging me on in my day dreams, and mostly for myself... Truly this had a great effect almost from the beginning. There was a bit of a formula and I used that every time I thought of it. This was a great thing and I found it really helped. I would get to put it to the test in 72 hours

Both Woody and I are preparing for an estate sale, we both have gone through all of our things and selected what we want to keep and the rest will be sold. Woody is selling 99 percent of what he possesses I am hauling over about 1/3 of my stuff. But because most of the stuff I am selling is small and practical I may make more that Woody selling the beautiful furniture of our Hawaiian Dreamtime.

One thing we hadnt done was go through all of our personal papers sorting throwing out and dividing up. We talked about things that only the two of us know about here. I will miss that. I am losing the only person that knows about a large part of my life, our mutual history. Out time in Calvary Chapel, out time in Hawaii, no one else knows about our struggle...

Woody and I talked about my situation and then out of the blue he said he had something that he needed to share with me but first he sent me to the refrigerator to get a soda... I opened it up...

It was full of bottles of hard liquor. I took the soda out and opened the freezer door... There were more in there. Super cold, so you can drink it straight out of the bottle if you want... I was horrified.

I closed the door and went back into the dining room. Woody looked at me and said "I have a mistress..." I said "Well, how is that going?" He said "OK"... I said "You can get help for that..." "I dont want any help, I want to be left alone..."

As you all know... I have 100 questions about our marriage. About why things were the way they were. If you take most of those questions, and answer the question with "alcohol addiction"...it makes perfect sense. Our financial problems, Woody's peculiar behavior, his lethergy and sloth. His not being able to keep a job and no one wanting to hire him. The reason he never let me see the bank statements for his personal accounts....The reason he didnt want me around... wanted me to go to Louisville and not to return...

I forgave him. I forgave the suicidal mayhem he has unleashed on himself. He takes anti depressants and is diabetic. This is why they cant get his meds stable and why his sugar is sky high and they want to put him on the needle. His weight is going down but he is getting bigger... That is his liver distending... How did I not see this...

Because the wife is the last to know.

7-4 I spoke to him tonight. He admitted to drinking till he passed out but he only did that because he thought I had been in the house and done some stuff... Truth is that he had a blackout and didnt know what he had experienced. I am concerned about him, but the first thing I must do is to let go. I encouraged him to get help and changed the subject. If he is powerless over alcohol, I am powerless over his choice to misuse it and that is the beginning of my recovery. It going to be a long process but I am ready to begin, even if he is not, Its my journey to make, and walking in forgiveness, in Aloha is the way I am going to make it, one day at a time....

Labels: AA, Marriage, Personal Growth, Relationships, Woody

July 06, 2009

Happy Birthday Woody

Its always hard for me to deal with your birthday, I dont know who you are and less so this year...Our lives havent changed much since this 2005 post





I know that you are struggling with your own demons and I understand the pain of that. My only wish is that we had more time and that we had perhaps had the benefit of counseling. But neither of use were ready for that. Perhaps it is best that things lie where they will





Happy Birthday, my friend, for no matter what has happened, you are still counted as my friend. It has been a hard long road especially this last year

Labels: Woody

June 02, 2009

Too Many Nevers

Afternoon Surf... North Shore Oahu

Post started 5-29-09

"When you remember me, it means that you have carried something of who I am with you, that I have left some mark of who I am on who you are. It means that you can summon me back to you mind even though countless years and miles may stand between us. It means that if we meet again, you will know me. It means that even after I die you can still see my face and hear my voice and speak to me in your heart..."

Frederick Buechner, "Whistling in the Dark" with a hat tip to Rev. David Fleming

Its been a really tough week...maybe one of the toughest weeks of my life. I just cant hardly believe that so much is going on at once. When I pause to think about it The torrent of greif, fear and sadness floods over me. I dont know how long I can continue this way, I really need a break, and God is the only one who can help me with that...

There have been "never again moments" all week long... every day I have had some and the tears have been non stop. Is this good? Maybe... The grief release is probably just what I need right now.

Well Hoku, I have had word that the Tribunal is set to do a final consideration at the Magesterial Court in Oaklahoma City, its a formality, and I am certain that you will get your annulment....

and with that, Monday was the end of my marriage to the Engineer. While this was a much sought after situation my heart twinged just a touch at the thought that in this life on earth or in heaven we were never truly married in the eyes of God or the church. For I loved him, like I have loved no other... he was fun and exciting and it was never a dull moment. I can still see his bright blue eyes and hear him calling to me with terms of endearment, something Woody rarely did. We have been apart 20 years this December yet it seems like only yesterday that we were together living yes not the life God would have had us live but we were in love and I have missed that all of this time...I doubt that I will know such crazy love again and I long for it sometimes when I hear the wild child I was howling in my soul....

I know this is very hard but no matter what we are going to forclosure on your home...you need to figure out how you are going to make the payments because if you dont there will be additional charges, to the tune of thousands of dollars...

The disaster of last tuesday is still haunting me...Not only am I losing the home Woody is living in but I am losing my home because I dont have the resources now to keep going here. two houses two homes... two people homeless. Its unbelievable. But I saw this coming last year...there was a part of me that hoped that Woody would feel the fear, the pain I felt... What a fool I was because a man that is numb from the chin down wont feel anything no matter what. Woody told me that afternoon that he no longer loved me that he felt nothing and that he didnt care that he didnt feel. Later on he called and tried to comfort me. But the emptiness, the lonliness and the loss... that I am losing a home and a husband sent me into a tailspin. I am also losing a false security, a false life really, that I held for years and I will never know that sort of comfort again

"Oh Hoku, she made me not tell you... Jean was like that you know. She was private to the extreme. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer back in March. She said she called you at Easter, that was a goodbye call. She went into Hospice and died peacefully this morning. She had very little pain..."

Aunt Betty Grace, was so upset, and I cried my heart out. Aunt Jean was 90 and full of days. I know she was with the Lord, and with her beloved Peter. But I will miss her. She was a living link to my father and his life. In the years since she regained the ability to be in touch with us, (she struggled with very severe mental illness most of her life...)she shared bits and peices of a different life and a different time. Most of all I hear words that ment a lot to me. She would remind me that my Dad loved me. I heard it more from her than I ever heard it directly from him

I cried not because I wasnt informed but because I cannot remember a word of that last conversation, and I took it for granted that I would speak to her again. I always told her that I loved her, and yes, the "never" of not being able to tell her that I love her again is a bittersweet.

The Judge:"This divorce is being petitioned on the basis of non consumation...
Ms. Kealoha...how long were you married to Mr.W?
13 years, sir...
You have my condolences, and your freedom upon the end of his hearing. You petition is granted..."

I dont think I need to elaborate with regards to my relationship with Woody. We are both glad that this is over and that we were couragous enough to tell the truth with regards to my resons for a divorce. The statements on those divorce papers belie the good times...the adventures, and the experience that we had.

There are those in my life who say "good riddance" but Woody is not trash to be thrown out. He is a broken person. He is a lost person, and sadly he has no one to help him. So its my hope to help him find some resources this week while I am looking out for myself. I wont be at peace if I think that Woody isnt in a safe place.so I am hoping to find him an advocate at the VA to start his disability paperwork.

I also have begun to work on the Magesterial Annulment for Woody's and my marriage. I may not actually need the same type of paperwork because I was technically never free to marry him in the first place, by cannon law.

The "never" is that while I was never a wife in fact, the divorce ends the waiting the praying the hoping that God would somehow repair the brokeness, and make the relationship into what it should have been. It makes me sad that this did not happen, it is not going to happen and by being honesst about it now I am free to find happiness where I will.

They know...For we all believed what my Father told us all one night in our living room... we were still in High School and one of our friends asked him if the women in his life still ment something to him and Dad said "yes" "If you truly loved someone and you think about them then they and their love for you and your love for them never dies"...

In my friends moving to Pine Bluff, my confronting the idea that I may need to move to Texas and not see my friends here in NW Arkansas again, the "nevers" regarding my quandry are enormous There have been too many "nevers" to confront this week. Please pray for my state of mind and for my job search. Having employment would go along way to improving my peace of mind....

6-2-09 There are a lot of people praying I can feel it as I move through my days. My mental state is a lot better. I am processing the grief, allowing it to register, but not impede my progress... in other words I would love to roll up in a little ball and stay that way but I cannot. I choose to survive this and that means action. I had 4 interviews yesterday including one out of the blue that is so amazing, that if I get this job it will be a dream come true and a LOT of work. But I am ready for that. This of course would resolve my housing situation, however because things are iffy still please pray. I have two different housing situations possible and the third being staying in place. Will know more in a few days.

Labels: Faith, Family History, Marriage, Personal Growth, Relationships, Woody, working

April 13, 2009

A Life Well Lived

Flowering trees taken off the Upper patio of the First United Methodist Church Bella Vista AR

Written 4-9-2009

Its Holy Thursday and I have enjoyed listening to the services on EWTN. They are showing the evening service from Rome, presided over by the Pope... in the church of St John Lateran, I think my favorite of the churches in Rome that I have seen photos of, very beautiful

I am also engaging in a personal ritual. Every year or so, this time its about 13 months, I finish one personal journal and start a new one. This will occur in the next few weeks and I wanted to have the new one selected and ready.

This process usually means my digging in my cedar chest formally known as my "hope" chest, but after two failed marriages there is not much hope there. I have my journals stored in it now to protect them from humidity and the elements. There are 40 completed journals beginning from 1978 till now. Some are in better condition than others, the cheap paper caused the inks to fade, others are as bright as the day I penned the words... thousands of hours of prayers, reflections and narrative... my life bound up in ink, paper and cloth...with insertions of clippings photos and little bits of life. For example... I found a mat clipped from Annabelle's coat a week after her death, the lump of silky hair missed the waste basket. From trash to treasure... I kissed the tiny bit of my beloved and placed it between the pages of my current journal where I noted her untimely passing and my torrent of grief...

I also found a very good photo of my mother that I didnt know that I still had that fell from the pages of one of my journals... I have so few from those last few years of her life. This was taken before Parkinson's hardened her face into a twisted scowl.She was happily riding on a friends borrowed Rascal scooter, Dreaming of her own I think. She was to cannive her way into ownership of a Rascal, just when she could no longer manage it. she took it out and lost control of it and rant the thing off the sidewalk and tumbled her out of it... The Bellflower police brought her home and the nursing home took the keys away from her... Sadly the scooter languished on a uncovered patio, while the payments racked up. These ads on TV for the "scooter store" that tease seinors into buying something they cant afford are criminal. The thing promised freedom that she couldnt afford and couldnt manage. I shed a few tears for the frustration and pain she endured in those last years... it wasnt easy for her...

When I look at my journals, which is not often really, I can spend hours reliving the past in them. I am amazed at what I write about and what I dont write about. The pages of prayers and reflections on Biblical studies in the Hosanna years of 1988 to 1996, and how my writing abruptly changed... How all of my life in Hawaii spanned only four volumes, how thankful I am that I blogged and took all of the pictures otherwise it would all seem like a dream

I said a lot about my mis adventures while married to the Engineer, but nothing specific enough to use in my Magesterial Annulment. Too bad as I really need some help here.

4-13-09

But I think what made me the saddest was the pages and pages of rage directed at Woody and our relationship, and the pages of tear stained missive of how lost I have been over the years, spiritually since the Calvary Chapel debacle. In counseling this past week Susan, my new therapist, and I touched on how the "Offense" that we receive from another Believer or another can be a vehicle for the enemy of our souls to impede our growth as persons and as children of God. I know this to be true.

The two situations are linked. Now that I have been apart form Woody for the better part of a year I have really been able to move forward away from both issues and see real healing in my life. The proof is the forgiveness I have been able to freely give to other "offenders" like Linda the gal from Birmingham, or even the Vet that cared for Annabelle and maybe didnt do all that he could have. I see a peace that I have not had as far as the past goes that I didnt have a year ago.

Looking backwards is a useful tool if you have an objective means to do so. My journals provide that. True, they are subjective because it is only my view of events but I try to be as true to myself as I can be

As I was going through the chest I found the huge stack of letters that I have saved over the years, Certainly not every letter that I have ever received, If I did that I would have a pile big enough to fill my garage floor to ceiling! No these were letters from old boyfriends and old cards and things... A lot could go with no regrets and I re read some of them and had a laugh and tossed the rest unread. The bundle halved I retied the ribbons and stowed the much smaller pile away

Some times I need to dig through some of this for perspective. I have had a good life. And its only maybe half over God willing. I want to be more present in the moment... More intentional about caring for others and for myself...less concerned about the past mis steps and those things I cannot control and lastly more trusting in the God Who Sees me, Who knows me and all that I am. All that I have and all that I am is from Him. I need to learn to believe that He is for my good and that the rest of my life will be just as well lived as the first half was





Abigail playing with her pink doggie... I miss the little mutt let

Labels: Annabelle, Church, Faith, Family History, Marriage, Personal Growth, Woody

March 23, 2009

The Stork Has Arrived

Pamela's Shih Tzu Heaven, birthplace of Annabelle

CAUTION! Cuteness Alert!

WEll, we would really rather that you had a yard...Yes,yes I know...the dog will be indoors...

Yes we have dog's in the shelter, no you cant look at them, you have to go on Petfinder, find a dog you like...if the dog is not available we will tell you in a few days and then you have to fill out an application....

Yes, I know that on Craigslist you aren't supposed sell pets but I got this 8 week Chihuahua two weeks ago and paid 400.00 for it. My sister hates it and I want my money out of it.

Sure, I will give you the dog come and see me...oh I dont know when I will have time...

We charge 400.00 for the 8 year old rescue dog with issues because we have so much invested in the dog and want you to have the same investment... Yes that is why you sign the contract that you feel says you dont own the dog...

Maxwell, Abigail's Daddy

Yes its a dog eat doggy world out there when you are talking rescue. The do gooder mentality makes it really hard to adopt a pet. I am so worn down I have no energy to deal with this.

The silence and the extra hours that I have since Bella's death have been very difficult., I found that my whole life was upside down, and not in a good way.

So when I taled to Pam about Anabelle's parents whelping It was with some relief. She is a LCSW and after a few questions said that she felt I was ready for a new furry friend


Sweetie Pie Abigail's Mum

Woody drove me out...they live one hour west of Fort Smith, and with my sleep apnea It was such a long drive, its better that I dont go that distance. It gave us a chance to talk which I think was a good thing. Changes are coming to our situation.Woody is putting our house up for sale. Real estate is starting to move a bit and this might be a good time to start the selling process

We got there and Pam wasnt there yet so we bagan to pick up pups. There were about 30 of them. After a few hours of this I had landed on two. A tiny girl that was a touch bossy and willful enough to get mme going...and a little boy that glomed onto both Woody and I... I couldnt decided

Annabells two sisters and two brothers were 4 weeks old and very cute. But I wouldnt have the pup till mother's Day, and ther was something creepy about looking into the face of my Beloved...even at that early stage I could see the tip tilted nose that was very different from the other pups...

So as I was watching the little girl pup I saw a larger pup come over and lay down between me and the little girl. She looked up at me with a classic "Crysanthimum" face, nearly flat with almond shaped eyes that will grow rounder as she gets older. he coat was nearly straight and as soft as a cloud. The feeling of the hair was important to me. The bristly shih tzus that get that trait from Pekeanese ancestors are not for me

When I picked her up she rolled up into a ball and snuggled. Woody says that she was the first pup I had picked up earlier in the day and he thought that her being bigger will make her sturdier and a good compainion, perhaps less prissy and more a tom boy though I dont know. She is strong minded and will bark and make her wishes known

She feels solid, and well made. Pam thinks she will be 8-10 lbs Annabells was 8 lbs. Insted of a prance she ambles along with a leggy gait. She will be fast and she loves walking already

I couldnt afford her..., but like Woody said, will I get ex number of dollars of enjoyment and mental peace of mind. Will her love and yes devotion already, be worth it...of course...(she stood between me and the "doggy in the closet mirror" and barked like crazy , I had to intervene... Annabelle had only just discovered her reflection shortly before her death.

And so I am a doggy Momma again, in the twenty four hours that I have had her at home has already been a joy. Abigail is her name...they were already calling her "Abby" and she answers to that. The name means Beloved of the Father in Hebrew. she has stolen our hearts and the hearts of everyone who has seen her



The little muffin, Abigail at 12 weeks

You were warned






I am totally besotted

Labels: Abigail, Woody

March 18, 2009

Faith Beyond Knowing

Flowers by the roadside, near Blueeye MO

The Sacrifice of Isaac Gen 22

After these things God tested Abraham and said to him, “Abraham!” And he said, “Here am I.”He said, “Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you.”So Abraham rose early in the morning, saddled his donkey, and took two of his young men with him, and his son Isaac. And he cut the wood for the burnt offering and arose and went to the place of which God had told him.

When they came to the place of which God had told him, Abraham built the altar there and laid the wood in order and bound Isaac his son and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood.Then Abraham reached out his hand and took the knife to slaughter his son.But the angel of the Lord called to him from heaven and said, “Abraham, Abraham!” And he said, “Here am I.”He said, “Do not lay your hand on the boy or do anything to him, for now I know that you fear God, seeing you have not withheld your son, your only son, from me.”And Abraham lifted up his eyes and looked, and behold, behind him was a ram, caught in a thicket by his horns. And Abraham went and took the ram and offered it up as a burnt offering

And the angel of the Lord called to Abraham a second time from heaven and said, “By myself I have sworn, declares the Lord, because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son, I will surely bless you,

I have always thought that this passage...this story in the Bible was amazing. How could that old man have so much faith in God? How could Isaac have so much faith he was a kid compaired to his father, though I am sure he was a grown man. How easily Isaac could have overpowered his father and not allowed him to secure him to the altar. But he trusted his Dad and his dad's God....

I have never had a great faith. I have people around me who say I have great faith, but truthfully I am filled with doubt... Maybe it was watching my parents struggle through life, and while my Mother was quick to give God the credit when something good happened, I wondered how much of the "miracle" was due to her formadible strength of will. The same is true in my life. I have wondered if the miracles in my life were self derived...I dont know anymore.

In this time of great suffering for so many people, I am more than aware of how it is for you to pray and pray and have the Heavens seem like brass to your desparate words. I feel like my life is like this.I know that God is listening but it seems like He isnt.

I so admire people with great faith, in the ashes of the day, as the sun is warmer, people are coming forward and shoping. I can only hope that a job for yours truly will soon follow. Woody has put our home up for sale. With the reduction of intrest rates this week I am hopeing that he will be able to sell and get the money out of it that he is entitled to. It will also change my credit rating for the better and that is really needed. I have lost a number of opportunities because my credit is a desiding factor, and while its not totally whacked its isnt helped with the HELOC being 90 percent of my available credit and its behind.

In other news, I have received an invite to drive out to Annabelle's breeder and have the pick of the litter of Li'l Man and My Little Shadow's pups,who were born Valentine's Day. These were Annabelle's parents. She has a litter once a year and its small there are 2 boys and 2 girls. There are other pups and older dogs. The breeder is a LCSW, and understands the grief process. She said not to push if it feels right we will go ahead if not I can come back. The financial burden is outweighed by the shear joy of having a furry person in my life...

I need the reminder to live in the moment, and not worry about the future so much.

Labels: Annabelle, Faith, Personal Growth, Woody, working

February 24, 2009

Death In The Family

my Annabelle

giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, Ephesians 5:20

my beautifull little girl went to God this morning sometime between 1 and 5 am She went to sleep peacefully after Woody came to see her last night when we got back from the vet... We were full of hope. I believe She had something like Parvo...even though she was fully vaccinated. She lost so much blood, she was in shock and while we managed to warm her up she didnt stay warm. My heart knew when we were going to the vet that she wasnt going to make it and there was some reason God knew for that.

I realized that, as I drove into the night with her, that much of my decision making has been based on her needs as well it should be, she was my responsibility. When I thought about this and losing her and all that this means. I was mad at God for a moment, and then I said outloud..,. God if you want her, you may have her. I dont want anything between You and I. Never give something you dont mean to give to God...He will do what is best for you even if it seems just too awful.

Not wanting to sound all holy, but my first thought as I sat down with her stiffening body in my arms want how very thankful I am that I had her even for this short while. God gave me a precious gift. She thaught me what love is, unconditional love. And I rejoice in her life . She made so many people happy. She was my good friend and while I dont know how I will go on from here, without her to love... but I will go on.

Someday there will be another puppy another time of love and discovery. God knows the reason for this loss. Maybe I will see it someday but for now my heart is just broken...

I will post again in a week or two

even now her one eye is open like that... God bless you, baby on your new journey

Labels: Annabelle, Personal Growth, Relationships, Woody

February 23, 2009

The Long Winter

Snowy Pear Trees Peartree Cottage Bella vista AR

I am singularly unmotivated to write these days ... as I speak my little Annabelle is fighting for her life. 48 hours ago she was fine, then yesterday she began to have serious vomiting and diarrhea...She is up on her shots and doesnt spend a lot of time outside... the vet has tested her for Parvo virus and other issues and nothing. We dont know why we just can see the blood pouring from her rectum every half hour. I will be having her hydrated tonight and Dr. Eric will be coming in to pill her for me, as she cant keep it down just now.

If she dies...

My life is at a low point. I am so down right now. I have no prospect for work , and 90 days of cash after that I will be on the street. Woody lost his job friday along with hundreds more Walmart folks, and others. One of my friends went to an interview for a part time job...2000 people applied for it....little wonder I am getting no action on the job front.

Woody is going to get a foreclosure notice on our house on Ashton Circle, or rather I will get it...the loan is in my name only. What Woody and our cats will do I dont know...I cant think about it. Its not his fault he lost his job... The meltdown here is incredible. Worse, Seniors who have paid off homes are bringing their grown children here to live with them, from other places "worse off". That will only increase the pool of unemployed people. On the other hand a lot of people that came here to work for Walmart and its vendors are selling out and going back to where they came from, as that is where the family is.

I am going to keep trying but I am also thinking about if living with someone is the answer...if someone will have me. I have encouraged Woody to clear out the house and rent all but the master bedroom and bath to a family or two singles, he could do that I wouldnt care, if fact that is a good thing, a positive thing. I went on Craigslist to look for housing for myself, and I saw all of these poor people that are desprately looking for a place to live. He could live with some other guys or even a small family. There are two extra bedrooms and a bath. anyway he is thinking about it.

All last week, the readings and message on the Daily Mass and in my devotional were on faith and trusting God. I take time out a few times a day to pray and meditate on the positive...usually I do well untill about 8 pm from then on its difficult for me to focus on the good things and to have hope. I try not to think of the life we have lived and the way the safety net of our lives was erroded by selfishness and foolishness. I try not to dwell on the past and the huge painful hole all of that has left. I try to not be angry...

One lady at church yesterday said she didnt know how I was still standing up...she said shed have given up and just died... a part of me wants to...so much of me already has in this long winter. If I lose Annabelle I dont know what will become of me...


2-24-09 Annabelle was nearly gone from me when we got to Dr. Eric's. After some hydration, warming her up with a heating pad we got her temperature up ... I have her on a pad now and will check on her in the night Woody is coming to stay with her while I go into town in the morning we have to keep praying she is not out of the woods yet
Pray for me...

Labels: Annabelle, Faith, Marriage, Personal Growth, Woody, working

January 27, 2009

Ice in the Wind

Twilight view from my front window into the front garden Pear Tree Cottage Bella Vista Ar

Once Upon A Winter Day


Once upon a winter day
Gray clouds passed swiftly across the sky
As shapely snowflakes fell steadily down,
Covering the land in a dazzling white
Leaving a winter calling card on the ground.

Once upon a winter day
The snow-edged creek silently wept
Near the shadows of the tall pine trees
Trimmed in a glittering white lace,
Creating an impressive display in the breeze.

Once upon a winter day
Branches drooped to the impassable road
Due to the weight of the snow.
Icicles hung from the dormant trees
In view of the shattered daylight glow.

Once upon a winter day
Nothing is heard but rubbing tree limbs
And a stray dog faintly barking,
The vibrant sound of a frightened deer,
A broken tree branch suddenly falling.

Once upon a winter day
The distant snow-covered hills
Loomed in the path of the gloomy sky,
Where the northerly wind briskly growled
As chickadees and juncos fluttered by.

Joseph T. Renaldi

I have candles at the ready as the lights flicker and the wind outside is picking up. The Ice Storm of 2009 has left a swath of destruction all around me. I am continually amazed at the weather so different from what I have experienced in my life prior to coming to Arkansas. My town has scattered power outages but the worst is south of here where much of southern Benton and all of Washington Counties were slammed by the freezing rain and ice. I wandered out in my sweatshirt nightshirt and trainers, my new neighbors my have thought I was nuts as I walked around the house looking at the trees and snapping pictures of the ice and sleet covered ground.

I have been trying to get up earlier and earlier to try to train myself in preparation for going back to work. Im having mixed success. I am rising, but really am not worth much of anything all day. If I sit too long I drop off, in a semi sleep that is actually painful. I get a headache from it, I believe from lack of oxygen. Im probably not breathing properly. I perk up about 3pm. This is not going to work. So please pray for me, I really need to get re adjusted into a day shift pattern.

Iced Pot in my front garden Pear Tree Cottage Bella Vista AR

I have been singularly unsuccessful in finding work. There are hiring freezes at the transportation companies that I thought would be avenues of employment. I have worked the job boards, want ads and gone to temporary services and nothing. I have only one opportunity and I have decided to embrace it and go forward. An insurance company has approached me to go to work for them. I have a class to take and a test to pass to be licensed. The firm provides online training. I am having some difficulty with the courses... lots of facts and figures to remember. The Firm provides products specifically for the over 65 market, and with the large numbers of retirees here in this area this is an ideal market. I have been promised support and help all the way in this if I work hard. I will, and I know that it will be hard. I have to succeed, there are not other options right now.

I am going to continue to look for work. I need four weeks of temporary work to qualify for unemployment which would be wonderful. I have some reserve left and if I am careful perhaps I can make it. Again, I do believe that this place in my lifes adventure is about trusting God and not my own abilities. Still I am scared as is a lot of the country right now. I am grateful for all of the riches in my posession. For the warm dry house with lights and hot water... and the box of candles. I have a new friend that lives three blocks away that has a gas heating system... (I will be replacing this system with a system like hers one day. The heat pump switches to a gas furnace when that is needed. The people accross the street just put one in and it gives them a lot of peace of mind...)They have invited Annabelle and I to their home to stay if the power goes out and the cold is too much.

I am grateful to be on my own. My mind is clearer and my heart is lighter than it ever was before. Our Divorce is proceeding apace and should be final in a month or so. Just today I was reminded of why this was needed. Woody was home today from the car lot. The poor man hasnt had a day off in all of the time he has been there. His power went off and he hadnt started the gas log... He didnt think about it. Id have had a fit or done it myself. He admitted that a lot of things are not done there as there is no one to do them... the maid is out I suppose...

I shouldnt be too cheeky. i feel badly for him and know that I am the winner here by a longshot. Not by stuff or money...I will pay for this for years with damaged credit and the like. But that peace and contentment are worth any price. And to be alone by my own choice is so very different than being alone because you have been abandoned. I no longer feel as though I have been left out to freeze in the icy wind by an indifferent husband. I have come out of the cold into this warm place and come what may I will deal with any reprocussions with the help of the God Who Shelters Me with His Righteous Right Hand

Labels: Bella Vista, Breaking News, Marriage, Personal Growth, Poem, Scenic Arkansas, Woody, working