April 04, 2010

The Greatest Gift

The Table of Our Lord, the Altar of St Francis of Rome Church Clifton, Louisville KY

The eternal spring is hidden
in this living bread for our life's sake,
although it is night.
It is here calling out to creatures;
and they satisfy their thirst,
although in darkness,
because it is night.
This living spring that I long for,
I see in this bread of life,
although it is night.
- St. John of the Cross


"The Bread that we need each day to grow in eternal life, makes of our will a docile instrument of the Divine Will; sets the Kingdom of God within us; gives us pure lips, and a pure heart with which to glorify his holy name, "
- Edith Stein

"Were it not for the constant presence of our divine Master in our humble chapel, I would not have found it possible to persevere in sharing the lot of the lepers in Molokai...The Eucharist is the bread that gives strength... It is at once the most eloquent proof of His love and the most powerful means of fostering His love in us. He gives Himself every day so that our hearts as burning coals may set afire the hearts of the faithful,"
- Blessed Fr. Damien, Apostle of the Lepers


"Let us go with confidence to the throne of grace that we may obtain mercy and find grace,"
- (Heb. 4:16)

Father, now Saint Damien Molokai’i ae, is one of the two holy people that have gone before me, that I have selected to be my patrons. The other is Edith Stein, in religion Teresa Benedicta a Cruse, a Jewess who converted to Christianity then after ten years of teaching was received into the Carmelite Order. St. Damien died of leprosy contracted in conjunction with his ministry. St. Edith was murdered for simply being of a certain race. The communion of Saints has always been a reality for me. I never believed that those that die are not alive. They are living on another plane, another dimension. And that they are there for us

I have been asked by many “Why would you change your faith or your religion at this time of your life?...” “ What was it that drew you to this Church so full of controversies and contradictions…” A church that is daily reviled in the news, insulted in the press and scorned by many of my friends who left her angry confused and hurt… A church misunderstood, called stone age, irrelevant, woman hating, superstitious, filled with heresies, idolatry and untruth. None if this is true of course…

Was it the leading of John Michael Talbot, (who said to me recently that becoming a Roman Catholic made him a better Methodist. That by following Christ by studying the example of St. Francis of Assisi, he has become better conformed to Christ in the image of John Wesley…) or my Methodist minister friend,( who was supportive but I think perplexed…). Both have been called by one angry friend “false prophets” but they have had little to do with this journey. They have encouraged me but not pushed me in any direction.

Was it the long period of no church attendance, then the plunge into a liturgical experience over the past few years? Was it my own disgust at the way praise and worship has become top 40 songs that make Jesus sound like He is your girlfriend, and worship leaders treated like rock stars…or how the “Bible” church go-ers have become modern day Pharisees, judgmental overfed sheep that cant make their way out of the feedlot of their churches into the world that sorely needs what they have been so carefully taught!... Is it the incredible narrowness that I have seen in fundamentalist congregations or the outrageousness of some Pentecostal gatherings where people growled like dogs, and flopped on the floor in a crazed abandon, spouting nonsense.

"What Christ gives us is quite explicit if his own words are interpreted according to their Aramaic meaning. The expression 'This is my Body' means this is myself"
Karl Rahner

In fact it was the Calvary Chapels, the verse by verse exposition of the scriptures and the mantra of their founder Chuck Smith…”Read the Word-What does it say?” that propelled me in an all out search for the Truth. It was 10 years ago, as I was reading Kathleen Norris’s “ Amazing Grace, A Vocabulary of Faith” that I decided to look at what Catholics believed and why they are viewed differently than any other “brand” of Christianity. I read two passages of scripture below with “Catholic” eyes... That study totally rocked my theological worldview

John 6:48-69
I am the bread of life. Your fathers ate the manna in the wilderness, and they died. This is the bread that comes down from heaven, so that one may eat of it and not die. I am the living bread that came down from heaven. If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever. And the bread that I will give for the life of the world is my flesh.”
The Jews then disputed among themselves, saying, “How can this man give us his flesh to eat?” So Jesus said to them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day. For my flesh is true food, and my blood is true drink. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood abides in me, and I in him. As the living Father sent me, and I live because of the Father, so whoever feeds on me, he also will live because of me. This is the bread that came down from heaven, not as the fathers ate and died. Whoever feeds on this bread will live forever.” Jesus said these things in the synagogue, as he taught at Capernaum.
When many of his disciples heard it, they said, “This is a hard saying; who can listen to it?” But Jesus, knowing in himself that his disciples were grumbling about this, said to them, “Do you take offense at this? Then what if you were to see the Son of Man ascending to where he was before? It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh is of no avail. The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life. But there are some of you who do not believe.” (For Jesus knew from the beginning who those were who did not believe, and who it was who would betray him.) And he said, “This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless it is granted him by the Father.”
After this many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with him. So Jesus said to the Twelve, “Do you want to go away as well?” Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.”

James 5:14-16
Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

These scriptures are explicit in their clarity. I have read commentary and discussed these with a number of learned people and I am convinced that they are literal and to the point. That Jesus, was saying that He himself would become a Spiritual Food somehow…and that I was to confess to a human and that I would be forgiven…. I am no scholar no theologian, but what the Bible said was what the Church teaches and has taught since the earliest times and this is what convinced me that the fullness of Christian life is to be found in the Roman Catholic Church.

You can be a Christian and not be Catholic, you will go to heaven if you have faith in Jesus, but if you want the fullness of historic Christian tradition, you aren’t going to find it in the feel good mega churches or by staring at a tree in your back yard… You will find it in the depths of the mystery of the Church founded by Christ Himself

Yes… there are many other things that lead me to “Cross the Tiber… I love the pageantry, the theater of the Mass, the many readings of scripture and the comfort of knowing that you are going to get what you get every time you go…But the two things among the many, Two Sacraments of Seven…. They were the clincher. I have written on one of them, Reconciliation and Absolution. The other is the Eucharist… The Real Presence… The Holy Communion that can only be found in Holy Mother Church and her daughters of Orthodox traditions... Sadly it cannot exist in the churches of the separated brethren that I have known all of my life. I am convinced that only consecrated priests that can trace their ordininal lineage back to the Apostles have the authority to consecrate the elements. Anything else is only a symbol, a symbolic ceremony that anyone can perform and if it treated that way, I have no problem with this, but in churches like the Methodist church where only a handful of its ministers have this traceable authority (for example,if there are any women in the line of ordination that will disqualify you for starters) this is a huge issue. There has to be authority, if there isnt then my puppy could confect the sacrament… My friends, if the Holy Sacrament is merely symbolic why should we care…this has been a question that I have asked myself for a long long time

"The Bread of heaven puts an end to symbols."
- Office for the Feast of Corpus Christi

I have seen communion services treated like picnics or free for alls that leave a huge mess on the floor. Yes I have also seen reverence and dignity, but I have also seen it done carelessly and with no thought to what is being said by the foolishness, Worse was seeing it done by rote week in and week out with no explanation. I have been in churches that don’t have communion but once a year, and I have seen Open Tables which are a mockery of scripture in 1 Corinthians 11:27-32

Whoever, therefore, eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty of profaning the body and blood of the Lord. Let a person examine himself, then, and so eat of the bread and drink of the cup. For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body eats and drinks judgment on himself. That is why many of you are weak and ill, and some have died. But if we judged ourselves truly, we would not be judged. But when we are judged by the Lord, we are disciplined so that we may not be condemned along with the world.

The Eucharist is for Believers not Seekers. Being a seeker is great I have been one for many years. I went forward and was "blessed" by different priests in different settings. I was not in the least embarrassed to be different. I want what God wants and political correctness for the sake of inclusion has no place here. We really need to get over this...

"The Blessed Sacrament is indeed the stimulus for us all, for me as it should be for you, to forsake all worldly ambitions. Without the constant presence of our Divine Master upon the altar in my poor chapels, I never could have persevered casting my lot with the lepers of Molokai; the foreseen consequence of which begins now to appear on my skin, and is felt throughout the body. Holy Communion being the daily bread of a priest, I feel myself happy, well pleased, and resigned in the rather exceptional circumstances in which it has pleased Divine Providence to put me."
- Blessed Fr. Damien, Apostle of the Lepers

The Eucharist is a gift to us here on earth. It is the way Christ would cement the living stones of His church together… a building up…a unifying factor…and I desired this Oneness with Our Lord so much. I knew that and while it was hard to wait I wanted something in my life that wasnt tainted by rushing or choosing my own way. I am so glad that I waited and that I was able to have a first true holy communion...

"Neither theological knowledge nor social action alone is enough to keep us in love with Christ unless both are proceeded by a personal encounter with Him. Theological insights are gained not only from between two covers of a book, but from two bent knees before an altar. The Holy Hour becomes like an oxygen tank to revive the breath of the Holy Spirit in the midst of the foul and fetid atmosphere of the world,"
- Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen


And so I began this long journey, Three Churches, Four Catechists, 12 years and 10,000 miles of wandering later, I stood before Msgr Scott and the congregation at St. Steven Church and said more "I do's" than I repeated at my two marriage ceremonies combined. I felt my forehead being signed three times and the heavy sweet scented chrism oil crossed on my forehead and temples...the same kind of oil used to anoint priests and because they are the head of the Church of England, the Kings and Queens of England as well. I am an anointed princess and a priest...a true daughter of God, and of His Church...

Then I heard my new name "Teresa Damien Molokai ea" and there was a roar in my ears and the sound of the drums striking the last note of a Mele or chant and the ensuing silence. I think the roar was voices... and Father said later when I shared this that they were the voices of those forgotten ones, those sent to the fires at the death camps by the Nazis, those lepers tossed off the ships into the raging Pacific off the coast of Molokai'i, too weak and sick to swim they would drown in the heavy surf. My patron saints cared for these people and in turn I will be cared for as well... The struggle of this part of my journey has ended. The Word of prophecy I received last Fall, that before the summer came, my hard journey would end, has come to pass... The final drumbeat signaled a new song was beginning.

“Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed…”
The final words said by the priest prior to the serving of the Eucharist….

I went forward for the Host and when Father placed it in my mouth, I stood there in a sort of amazed shock..."I have God in my mouth..." was all I could think, but as I tasted the precious blood for the first time I realized that this was different from any experience of Our Lord I have ever known, a closeness and a sweetness that is unsurpassed. I was high, on a different plane than when I walked into the church.
For me and for others that have experienced this celebration, it is a life changing moment. You are never the same again. I am free to worship where I will but the table of Our Lord is now open to me in any church anywhere in the world. I now have 1 Billion brothers and Sisters. The next week as I worshiped I felt the same spine tingle when I received my Lord and my God. When Jesus said he would be with us forever he really meant it physically forever, within us. I never understood the power of that . Christ more than a intellectual expression, more than theology, worship and service… Actually in my hands in my mouth, under my heart. It is my hope that my faith will grow stronger now that I have this tangible reality in my life. It is the Greatest Gift I have ever been given.

With thanks to
http://www.therealpresence.org/index.html

Confirmed Hokulea and Mgsr Scott

Labels: Catholic, Church, Current Events, Edith Stein, John Michael Talbot, Personal Growth, Quotable Quotes, RCIA, scripture, St Damien of Molokai

April 02, 2010

"Amazing Love"... a song for Good Friday

The Crucifix outside the Shrine of Monte Cassino, St Meinrads Archabbey Indiana

Enjoy this musical meditation on our Lords Passion and Love for us...


http://www.bing.com/videos/watch/video/chris-tomlin-amazing-love/28ba58ebba1b79a209ac28ba58ebba1b79a209ac-1713253253722



Amazing Love

I’m forgiven because You were forsaken,
I’m accepted, You were condemned.
I am alive and well, Your spirit is within me,
Because You died and rose again.


Amazing love,
How can it be
That You, my King, should die for me?
Amazing love,
I know it’s true.
It’s my joy to honor You,
In all I do, I honor You.


You are my King
Jesus You are my King
You are my King
Jesus You are my King
You are my King
Jesus You are my King

Amazing love,
How can it be
That You, my King, should die for me?
Amazing love,
I know it’s true.
It’s my joy to honor You,
In all I do, I honor You.


You are my King
You are my King
You are my King



Chris Tomlin

Labels: Church, IN, Praise and Worship, YouTube

March 20, 2010

Reconcilliation and Absolution

Light To The World Lighted Cross that perches in a very steep hillside overlooking the valley below...
Mount Sequoyah Conference Center Fayetteville Arkansas

3-17-10

Every child who received Christian instruction learns the story of the man who's friends brought him to Jesus by lowering him through the roof. You remember that first Jesus says to him "My son, your sins are forgiven you"... This gave rise to protests from religious leader present and even today you will hear in Protestant Churches..."Who can forgive sins but God alone?"... Jesus goes on to say "Why do you ask this question? Which is easier to say, "your sins are forgiven or Rise, take up your bed and walk? But so you will know that the Son of Man has the authority to forgive sins I say to you "Rise, take up your bed and walk" (Mark 2:1-12) As a Protestent I longed to hear those word said to me... "my son, your sins are forgiven you" As a Church of Christ Preacher I would preach sermons about forgiveness and wonder..truly are my sins forgiven?... There is much emphasis on the Lord's Supper...and the need to be fully confessed and not partake in an "unworthy manner".Was I unworthy? Was that why certain sins kept "hanging on" Was there something unaffective in my baptism ( I Cor 11:27)

All along I wondered if I needed to have been alive in the time of Jesus to have heard those words of pardon and forgiveness, or would I forever wonder...

Bruce Sullivan "Christ In His Fullness"



Jesus said to them again, “Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, even so I am sending you.” And when he had said this, he breathed on them and said to them, “Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive the sins of anyone, they are forgiven; if you withhold forgiveness from anyone, it is withheld.”
St John 20:21-23

The Church is quiet, it is in the middle of the day, I can hear, off in the distance, the laughter of the preschoolers in the day care center that is run there on the campus. I wait in the Adoration Chapel until Msgr Scott comes and gets me... "Well... are you ready?" he says with a smile..."ready as I will ever be" and we walk into the church through a set of glass doors to the confessional room.

Gone are the days of tiny closets and wooden boxes. With scandal and accusations ever at the forefront, there are few truly private confessionals anymore and certainly none in modern Catholic churches in this country. You have the illusion of privacy but the lightly stained glass and the clear glass doors so that both sides of the screen are in full view from the outside. Its obvious that people are in there… As one young man said in class…”Why be so concerned about visual privacy, so you are confessing to Father…so what?” So what indeed my young friend, hopefully you will never have anything so pressing and shameful that such privacy will be needed.

But like the young man, I have similar feelings about this most misunderstood of the seven Sacraments. I wonder why people don’t take advantage of this wonderful opportunity to have this kind non judgmental person that cares about you listen to you unburden yourself. I have wondered how hard this could be month in and month out….that was until I sat down and really thought about what a monumental task this was going to be to prepare for my first confession.

First I thought that I was going to have to go back to my childhood and confess as many sins as I could remember. That was enough to make me cringe. How does one do that? So true to my 21 century electronic age culture and information gathering skills I went to that wealth of spiritual resource Google and pulled up this gem http://anglicanhistory.org/pusey/pusey1.html this treatise, written 150 years ago, was very helpful. Then I met with Father and he said “Oh, no you have only to go back to when you were baptized, which was 1990…and no laundry lists, lets talk about real things that hold you back, get you down… things you want to be rid of …” That really helped a lot. I have a lot I want to lay down and I only have to deal with recent sins instead of a lifetimes worth of sins. This is because baptism effectively washed the sins of my youth from my soul… This was a new concept when I first heard it….and I think that this is one of the things that draws me to the Catholic church… The Sacraments

The Sacraments are efficacious signs of grace, instituted by Christ and entrusted to the Church, by which divine life is dispensed to us. The visible rites by which the sacraments are celebrated signify and make present the graces proper to each sacrament. They bear fruit in those who receive them with the required dispositions....

I intend to write more about the sacraments, but this is so important. We Evangelicals and Protestants of every stripe have lost a valuable gift in giving up the sacraments. I am only just now coming to understand the value of a tangible touchable understandable evidence of the graces imparted by our Lord… and the sacrament of Reconciliation or Pennace is one of the most misunderstood. I have heard from friends and family that “you don’t need a priest to be forgiven. Well that is true and the “forgiveness of desire” is found as a legitimate theological precept in the Catechism. However, the concept that “confession is good for the soul, is very accurate. As it says in the book of James

Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. James 5:14-16

I can only explain by telling the rest of the story.

I sat down over a course of days and broke my life down into segments based on lifes experience. My single life prior to meeting Woody, my courtship and marriage, the first few years , the time in Hawaii and then the time in Arkansas and our divorce. Like I have said before our life together was a play in three acts and it fit neatly into the structure laid out by Rev. Pussey in that article. I also wrote about my experience with Mr. Wonderful and confessed my inordinate attachment to him and how sorry I am for the damage this has caused so many people. I confessed my feelings of resentment towards my parents and my family, how even as they have hurt me deeply the resentment is a cancer that I want to be gone from my life….

My self indulgent sins, personal flaws and faults I had a laundry list, as do most people I filled a dozen pages or more in this notebook with the entire mess. I prayed about it and wondered how I would do….

I entered the room and there was a chair for me. This was a special appointment as I was not going to be able to go in the evening with the other candidates, since I am working. I sat down. I cant kneel anymore. My knees are so bad from the nasty falls I have taken and my weight. I opened my notebook and after Father said the bidding prayers…I began

“ Bless me Father for I have sinned. This is my first confession. I was baptized in June of 1990, and have tried with all of my heart to live the way Jesus would have me to live and I have failed most wretchedly, may God have mercy on my soul….”
I began to read my notes and it all came back to me. The sins both of commission and omission… I let it all go, from my bitterness regarding my barrenness to my desire for a married man I can never have, to my active rage at Woody for his faults, to my resentments towards my family for their misunderstanding and non acceptance of me… I asked God to forgive me of the defects of character that plague me due to my father’s and Woody’s drinking, and my mother’s controlling behavior.

My uncontrollable anger… My inordinate desires I cannot control…even my immaturity that while is not a fault or defect of character but in my struggle to try to grow up, I hurt people, and cause a lot of grief.

Father asked a few questions for clarification, admonished me to not see Mr. Wonderful again, ask if he was the reason for my divorce. I could say no truthfully. While he inspired me to find myself and to reach for better greater things he wasn’t the reason Woody and I are apart…and with that, I received the penance of saying the Rosary everyday for three days in reparation for the pain I have caused other people… and then came the Act of Contrition which I felt with all of my heart as I said these words…

“O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended thee, and I detest all my sins because of thy just punishment, but most of all because they offend Thee, my God, who art all-good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve, with the help of thy grace, to sin no more and to avoid the near occasion of sin. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen”

Then Msgr Scott came to my side of the partition and stood over me and extended his hands in blessing over me, and prayed the prayer of absolution:

“God, the Father of mercies, through the death and resurrection of His Son
has reconciled the world to Himself and sent the Holy Spirit among us
for the forgiveness of sins;
Through the ministry of the Church may God give you pardon and peace,
and I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.”

I have stood under waterfalls in Hawaiian streams, the pounding shower of water that flows over you in a stream of refreshing blissful coolness after a hot sweaty hike to get to them…It is one of the most wonderful feelings I have ever experienced… I had a similar rush after this prayer… I felt like a burden of years was lifted off of me and that God really and truly forgiven me.

Heaven opened wide its windows and the light of God poured into my heart… I will never forget this moment.

Father asked me if I felt different… Yes I do and yes I will be different from this day forward.

4-2-10

I finish this on the eve of my reception into the Church on Good Friday night. I am at work surrounded by my coworkers that are as supportive of this moment as family should be…some even in a sort of awe that I would do this at this point in my life. On man said that I will be forever changed after tomorrow night. I know that I am changed even now. Thank you God for this great gift

Labels: Books, Catholic, Church, Faith, Personal Growth

January 17, 2010

The Coldest Day Ever

Winter's long shadows over Pear Tree Cottage Metfield Bella Vista AR

"No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other, or be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.
"So I tell you, don't worry about everyday life-whether you have enough food, drink, and clothes. Doesn't life consist of more than food and clothing? Look at the birds. They don't need to plant or harvest or put food in barns because your heavenly Father feeds them. And you are far more valuable to him than they are. Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? Of course not.
"And why worry about your clothes? Look at the lilies and how they grow. They don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and gone tomorrow, won't he more surely care for you? You have so little faith!
"So don't worry about having enough food or drink or clothing. Why be like the pagans who are so deeply concerned about these things? Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs, and he will give you all you need from day to day if you live for him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern.
"So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today.

Jesus Christ

Matthew 6:24-34

I sit in sunny warmth that feels like spring even though it is merely 40 degrees. The previous months deep cold is like a memory... one morning it was 15 below when I went out to get the paper at 10 am. I stood there and thought to myself that this undoubtedly is the coldest temperature I have ever felt..

The strangeness of this time of extremes is one reason why I find it so hard to write, not only here in my blog but on face book , or letters to my friends and even my journal. I spend a lot of time these days in contemplation... meditating on what seems to be a time of challenge but also happiness and healing. I fear for the future at times and at other times I am elated at possibilities. I pray to hang onto hope, because its hard to do that sometimes.

I have not had work since the 31st . The terrible weather the first days of the New Year slowed down my job hunting, and things are still very slow. I have no money, no prospects for getting any soon and frankly I dont know what to do, other than what I am doing. Making phone calls, using the paper the Internet and networking as I can, to try to find something, something to do where I can earn a living.

The struggle, disappointment and feeling of disconnect, makes it hard to hope. I recently listened to a study on Joesph and his brothers...how long did he languish in slavery, in prison after being falsely accused, before he was raised up to the right hand of Pharoah. A long time, and relief came in an uncertain way, a unexpected way, and forgiveness was necessary, over and over again. This seems to be my way of life. A cycle of uncertainty to the point of desperation, provision, recollection then the cycle repeats itself.I am coming to see that I need to see beyond my circumstances and daily live by the promises of God...

It is hard to see others in the same struggle. I spent hours at unemployment the other day. There is NO blue colar work left here in this area. I saw the face of hopelessness on these faces as the lines streached out so long that it took me three hours to get to the counter and two hours to see someone... I vowed to not give up... to not let my face look like those that I saw in that waiting area

But that is hard. Men give up, some have killed themselves. Suicides have increased here. Its hard to accept. It is harder still to have hope handed to you only to find it not really anything at at... I was steered to an organization that is trying to set up housing solutions for "marginally or nearly homeless" women. I contacted the lady in charge, she asked all sorts of questions, and felt she could help me... would I come to a meeting..and I said I would.

Well I went and listened ...turned out that to these kind but a touch out of touch people, all with great jobs or pensions, feel that to be "marginally or nearly homeless" one had to be a parolee or coming out of re hab, and have one or a number of illegitimate children. In other words you have to make a bunch of bad choices to get help...I was stunned.

When I asked if someone like me could get help from this organization, I drew silence. I had introduced myself and explained my needs, and no one looked at me. I then said that I knew of other organizations that did similar things but there was no one out there helping honest people who are falling through the cracks every day. I found myself thinking that had I givine up a sober life and made the sorts of "bad choices" they were speaking of..would I deserve help?

The meeting went on, and I was even given an assignment, to help find small business opportunites and maketing for the handicrafts they are going to teach these women as a "job skill". For funding for the coffee shop they want to open. I couldnt believe it... They need to learn office skills or better yet a trade like plumbing, electrical, or construction, or all of the above. There are people who would help them, but knitting???

I have come to believe that like my family who needs a "poor relation" to feel sorry for, to talk about, to even rub salt into the wounds of the hurting one...the community needs to have such people around, thats why the focus on those that make poor choices rather than those that just need a little help in life. This seems to be true not just with government and the welfare programs that have proven to be so unfruitful, but Christian groups who seem to continually minister to the poor that stay poor. If there is no encouragement to grow and get better, no incentive to keep trying to improve, no investment in their future, and this doesnt come cheaply... I think its criminal to not give real help, real job training real education to these women, all these folks are going to do is treat them like children and keep them dependent, unable to earn a real living, and continue the cycle of poverty

In the same vein, the way we as a country are ignoring the millions of people that have just given up on life due to unemployment is just shameful... there are places in this land where people out of work now have no hope of getting a job no matter how much they look and look...they have run out of benefits, they have family, churches, friends that dont know what to do, so they give up on them. They stop calling, stop visting, stop helping. Ministries that started a year ago to help the jobless have run out of steam, mired in the overwellming need. When do we invest in these people...these communities...When to we reach out and have a high profile telethon for the rebuilding of these communities... When do we rebuild our own country?

Two people in my life killed themselves in the last 10 days over these issues... My heart is just broken... but I am angry as well...I can understand why they did it.
I have family that has cut me off... friends that will not call me back, and ministries that promised help that cannot help me now... I understand why taking one's life might be attractive...

I dont want a hand out... I want a job. Once I get one. I promise that I will not forget those less fortunate than I, that dont have work. I will do whatever I can to help that person, in this financially coldest day ever... And I will not give up speaking out about it. This is an injustice that will haunt us for generations to come in this country, may God have mercy on them that suffer and wake up those that have the means to get involved....

Labels: Breaking News, Church, faith working

January 03, 2010

Isaiah 60:1-7~ The Glory of The Lord Has Risen Upon Us

Come and See Christmas Crib at St Steven Church Bentonville AR

1Arise, shine, for your light has come,
and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you.
2For behold, darkness shall cover the earth,
and thick darkness the peoples;
but the Lord will arise upon you,
and his glory will be seen upon you.
3And nations shall come to your light,
and kings to the brightness of your rising.

4Lift up your eyes all around, and see;
they all gather together, they come to you;
your sons shall come from afar,
and your daughters shall be carried on the hip.
5Then you shall see and be radiant;
your heart shall thrill and exult, [fn1]
because the abundance of the sea shall be turned to you,
the wealth of the nations shall come to you.
6A multitude of camels shall cover you,
the young camels of Midian and Ephah;
all those from Sheba shall come.
They shall bring gold and frankincense,
and shall bring good news, the praises of the Lord.
7All the flocks of Kedar shall be gathered to you;
the rams of Nebaioth shall minister to you;
they shall come up with acceptance on my altar,
and I will beautify my beautiful house.

Labels: Church, Scenic Arkansas, scripture

January 01, 2010

We’ll Take A Cup Of Kindness Yet

Snowy Pasture Benton County Arkansas

Post completed 1-3-09

"Your life has taken many a difficult turn, but now a year later, you have come through, you have stood the test, have kept the faith. Your life is now a blank canvas, ready for The Lord and you...YOU (as she gently poked me with her finger)To create a new picture... to paint a new vision... Dont let ANYONE else paint on it..."


Sandy Andrews, on the feast of All Saints, when she returned to FUMCBV to remember the life of her departed husband Dr. Ed Andrews nearly one year after his death

Its a..
A New Day
A New Week
A New Month
A New Year
A New Decade

Like the Magi, we have discovered a star—a light and guide in the sky of our soul. “We have seen his star in the east and have come to worship him.” We have had the same experience. We too noticed a new light shining in our soul and growing increasingly brighter. It was a desire to live a fully Christian life, a keenness to take God seriously.

- St. Josemaria Escriva

I am out of a job and am a lady of leasure as of yesterday at 4 pm. I was ready to go. It wasnt a surprise. I made a decision that people were more important than production, names and stories rather than numbers and production. My stats went down and the decision to retain was in the end made just by the numbers. Im ok with that. I am afraid a little but I know God is with me and will provide for my needs

I have made a decision that I will be true to my God and his principles, True to my faith and the principles of the Church, and perhaps most importantly and as part and parcel to that which has proceeded... I will be true to myself, my needs, my feelings and my values... To have stayed on "top" at Walmart.com, meant I would have had to cheat, cut corners and ultimately sell out to the machine. I couldnt do that. My young up and coming boss was fired three weeks ago for fudging the numbers for the team...the others will be found out. I got a glowing letter of reccomendation and direction on how to find jobs with walmart. I will be working that job board heavily in the comming days

I also interviewed at a local trucking company. It was a three hour interview with a man who had been "meaning" to call me. I find the timing facinating... Its about as far away as any place I have interviewed so far... the only carrier futher away is CTI up in Joplin, but that cannot be a consideration...The manditory 45-50 hour work week cant be a consideration. Abigail locked in a cage day in and out cant be a consideration. I have to work. If the job is a success I will move closer to the terminal... which means not being so stuck on this house that I buy it and be locked in...everything is subject to re evaluation

I have come to some major decisions Nothing that was important before matters in 2010. Everything is up for grabs and for reconsideration...This includes relationships, prior commitments, and agreements. Nothing is going to be left "as it was" I cant afford that anymore.

First and foremost...Who or what is King in my life, and if Jesus is King in my life, and I have seen His star before me..the "Hokulea" the Star of Gladness, how committed am I to following that Star?... I was challenged both in a AA meeting I attended New Years Day and listening to Charles Stanley last night, that its not about the miricle of sobriety or just faith...you have to live it out,... accept the gift of salvation and releationship with God, but you have to do it, and that requires trust and obedience... As Dr. Stanley said, "How can you have relationship with someone you dont trust, you arent honest with, and are in rebellion to?" The answer is you cant be. My life with Woody was filled with these negative things. We had no trust, no transparency and because of the lack of love and understanding it made it impossible to not "rebel" so to speak against the other. I know he balked at anything and subtilely sabataged my efforts at a sober life and I found myself cursing him in my heart constantly as his lack of care of any part of our life together sucked the very will to live from my being. I found myself less and less willing to try to trust God because it seemed like I prayed and prayed for good and light as my heart grew darker and darker

The same with sobriety...Im pretty proud of the fact that I have now 21 years of sobriety but..have I been living a sober life? Its more than giving up the bottle, the condom, and the straw... Its living out The Steps, Traditions and Concepts which I havent done. I have tried to hold it together through sheer force of will, and as that crumbled, I found myself addicted to "love" and "hate" I fell in love with a man I can never have, just thinking about him gave me a buzz, and my daily cursing of Woody fueled a rage that became an addiction as strong as crack...Both of them are like crack really and just as lethal.

I am done with all of that. Woody has failed to contact me since he was here in November. We are done. I thought we could be friends but he wants to go his own way and the frustration of seeing him drink himself to death is not something I need in my life. If you are reading this farewell, I miss the you I used to know, not what you have turned into.

Mr. Wonderful left this area because of a job transfere last year. We have talked a few times but again nothing for a long time. He has moved on. For all of our sakes I need to move on as well. Let him go. I hear about how his family is doing though others he is in closer contact with, and its like a knife twist that I dont see him, yet we both know this would be a very bad idea...The emotions are fading and this makes me sad too. Farewell, my friend, have a wonderful life, you have earned it and deserve it. Thank you for being there for me when no one else was


Knowing him has been a bond with life, and a catalyst for change in my manner of living . He has a beautiful life, and in no way would I ever want to disrupt that. I need to be happy for the good times and have no regrets...

Lest you think this is about beating poor Hoku up, let me ease your mind. This will be the last said about any of this. I really am done with it all. There is a part of me that just wants to be free and I shall be. I have poured that New Years Cup of Kindness for myself as 2009 passed into 2010...as I listen to Christmas music even now Jan third and will likely leave my tree up till tax day cause I love it so.

I want to do things that will make me happy...even if they are hard or dont make sense to the rest of those around me. Its going to take a lot of work but its going to be worth it.

I believe in resolutions...goals more like... I have a few already thought up and mentally agreed upon for this year. They are:

Nothing is off the table with regards to what is best for Hoku...I have spent my whole life doing for others or what others thought was best for me. This year, in the face of great adversity I have tried to do what is best for me, and that will continue even if the costs rise in the interim...

I will pursue my faith...My faith is my primary vocation...and worship, how I worship, where I worship is very important. I currently minister in a church that is getting harder for me to be a part of. I will eventually have to decide if I continue there or withdraw completely in favor of either exclusivly attending the Catholic Church, or staying a hybrid and attending a evangelical church as well. I have a standing invitation to come to another body, a Disciples of Christ Church like Beargrass Church in Louisville where I attended while in Louisville. Sandy, the lady quoted above moved there after the death of her husband. That is if I feel the need for the teaching one gets in a protestant church, I might get plenty by utilizing the internet and books...I can also pray for change at FUMCBV, but right now there are enough difficulties that a move may be necessary even though I would miss my friends and leading worship terribly...

I will read 10 "Important" books. Not necessarily "classics" or "serious" works but I want to read books that will have a lasting effect on my thoughts and life.

Book 1 is in progress it is Jon Sweeny's "Almost Catholic". This book is for any person interested in Christian spiritual practices, not just Catholics or those that are in Catholic formation. Mr. Sweeney is High Church but not Catholic, his words say page after page things I have tried to say to those that are opposing my entering Holy Mother Church, that litugical practice frees us from the tyranny of the freedom to make our own way in the world spiritually and wondering if we are getting it right. I have experienced this first hand as I was run out of the ministry because I no long fit with the program... I watched a dear friend suffer at the hands of an abusive pastor because his worship leadership was not "cutting edge" enough..whatever that meant... You need structure and some foundation to build upon...

anyway those that read this blog please give me ideas, and list books at the end of this post that have impacted your life that you think would benefit me in my journey

I will file for bankruptcy, its no longer an option. I am being threatened with more than a lawsuit by a creditor right now. I will try to see a lawyer this week. Its not a matter either of pride or being a deadbeat. Its kinder to just get it overwith to everyone.

I will learn to crochet this year. I have a skein of yarn and a j hook and can chain stitch sort of already...

I will watch less tv and listen to more music, read more books and cruise Facebook less

I will be kind to myself.. I will say "I am worthwhile...I am worthwhile..." as many times as needed. I will never again visit the Walmart gun counter... I dont need to do that no matter who will be the first person to get that phone call...

I will be open to dating... I will be open to possibilities

Most of all... I will drink of the cup of kindness, weither given to me by friend or stranger, God or myself, and I will drink deeply and enjoy its fruits. I will also choose to pass that cup to all that I meet for God would have it so

Labels: AA, Catholic, Church, Faith, faith working, IN, Louisville, Praise and Worship, Relationships, Scenic Arkansas, Woody, working

December 27, 2009

Galatians 4:4-7 In The Fullness Of Time

In honor of His Birth, St Steven Church Bentonville AR

But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law,to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons.And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, “Abba! Father!”So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God.

Labels: Catholic, Church, Faith, scripture

April 13, 2009

A Life Well Lived

Flowering trees taken off the Upper patio of the First United Methodist Church Bella Vista AR

Written 4-9-2009

Its Holy Thursday and I have enjoyed listening to the services on EWTN. They are showing the evening service from Rome, presided over by the Pope... in the church of St John Lateran, I think my favorite of the churches in Rome that I have seen photos of, very beautiful

I am also engaging in a personal ritual. Every year or so, this time its about 13 months, I finish one personal journal and start a new one. This will occur in the next few weeks and I wanted to have the new one selected and ready.

This process usually means my digging in my cedar chest formally known as my "hope" chest, but after two failed marriages there is not much hope there. I have my journals stored in it now to protect them from humidity and the elements. There are 40 completed journals beginning from 1978 till now. Some are in better condition than others, the cheap paper caused the inks to fade, others are as bright as the day I penned the words... thousands of hours of prayers, reflections and narrative... my life bound up in ink, paper and cloth...with insertions of clippings photos and little bits of life. For example... I found a mat clipped from Annabelle's coat a week after her death, the lump of silky hair missed the waste basket. From trash to treasure... I kissed the tiny bit of my beloved and placed it between the pages of my current journal where I noted her untimely passing and my torrent of grief...

I also found a very good photo of my mother that I didnt know that I still had that fell from the pages of one of my journals... I have so few from those last few years of her life. This was taken before Parkinson's hardened her face into a twisted scowl.She was happily riding on a friends borrowed Rascal scooter, Dreaming of her own I think. She was to cannive her way into ownership of a Rascal, just when she could no longer manage it. she took it out and lost control of it and rant the thing off the sidewalk and tumbled her out of it... The Bellflower police brought her home and the nursing home took the keys away from her... Sadly the scooter languished on a uncovered patio, while the payments racked up. These ads on TV for the "scooter store" that tease seinors into buying something they cant afford are criminal. The thing promised freedom that she couldnt afford and couldnt manage. I shed a few tears for the frustration and pain she endured in those last years... it wasnt easy for her...

When I look at my journals, which is not often really, I can spend hours reliving the past in them. I am amazed at what I write about and what I dont write about. The pages of prayers and reflections on Biblical studies in the Hosanna years of 1988 to 1996, and how my writing abruptly changed... How all of my life in Hawaii spanned only four volumes, how thankful I am that I blogged and took all of the pictures otherwise it would all seem like a dream

I said a lot about my mis adventures while married to the Engineer, but nothing specific enough to use in my Magesterial Annulment. Too bad as I really need some help here.

4-13-09

But I think what made me the saddest was the pages and pages of rage directed at Woody and our relationship, and the pages of tear stained missive of how lost I have been over the years, spiritually since the Calvary Chapel debacle. In counseling this past week Susan, my new therapist, and I touched on how the "Offense" that we receive from another Believer or another can be a vehicle for the enemy of our souls to impede our growth as persons and as children of God. I know this to be true.

The two situations are linked. Now that I have been apart form Woody for the better part of a year I have really been able to move forward away from both issues and see real healing in my life. The proof is the forgiveness I have been able to freely give to other "offenders" like Linda the gal from Birmingham, or even the Vet that cared for Annabelle and maybe didnt do all that he could have. I see a peace that I have not had as far as the past goes that I didnt have a year ago.

Looking backwards is a useful tool if you have an objective means to do so. My journals provide that. True, they are subjective because it is only my view of events but I try to be as true to myself as I can be

As I was going through the chest I found the huge stack of letters that I have saved over the years, Certainly not every letter that I have ever received, If I did that I would have a pile big enough to fill my garage floor to ceiling! No these were letters from old boyfriends and old cards and things... A lot could go with no regrets and I re read some of them and had a laugh and tossed the rest unread. The bundle halved I retied the ribbons and stowed the much smaller pile away

Some times I need to dig through some of this for perspective. I have had a good life. And its only maybe half over God willing. I want to be more present in the moment... More intentional about caring for others and for myself...less concerned about the past mis steps and those things I cannot control and lastly more trusting in the God Who Sees me, Who knows me and all that I am. All that I have and all that I am is from Him. I need to learn to believe that He is for my good and that the rest of my life will be just as well lived as the first half was





Abigail playing with her pink doggie... I miss the little mutt let

Labels: Annabelle, Church, Faith, Family History, Marriage, Personal Growth, Woody

December 26, 2008

Twas The Day After Christmas...

Frozen Leaves Bella Vista AR

... And all through the house
not a creature was stiring
they all were worn out,
From hustle and bustle
and holiday fetes
the bessing of serving
the sweet Christmas treats!
At gatherings large
and small parties few
Christmas was glorious
I hope for you too

I did have a wonderful Christmas Eve ad Christmas Day. Christmas Eve was spent at the church where we held a noon "Mid day at the Manger" service with Communion served. Afterwards the church provided a light lunch of soup cornbread and salad. Many of the attendees were shut ins that dont normally make it out for church on sunday. They watch the service on TV on sunday mornings and a group from the church make regular visitation to them...

I found myself acting as the maid of all work... what ever needed to be done count me in. This time of year so many of the "worker bees" go off to be with children and grandchildren, so those with no family have the responsibility and priveledge to be there and help out. It was what I wanted to do rather than sit home and open one more box

I so enjoyed it. I ran home and walked Annabelle in the warm sunshine. Later in the afternoon was a Contemporary service with lots for the kids and more recently written carols. This is my gig and I love Contemporary worship, but I felt like there was a lot lacking in the presentation... I am a critic but I think it was well received...maybe it was all of the cookies for the kids, both big and small.... Woody came to this service and I sat with him. I was glad that he came and was a part of things. I have been worried about him during this festive season

Woody left the church and I stayed on and participated in the more formal evening service and even served Communion. (I wonder how many years more I will spend in Purgatory for doing that ... we'll find out. ) I so enjoyed doing that for the first time. I went home at 9 pm totally fufilled and happy

Christmas Day I was up early for my own devotions and to get my litlle furbaby out for her walk. Our neighborhood is fairly large with lots of streets to explore. So we have a large area to walk in.

Then it was off to church where the Pastor and his family hosted a ham dinner and pot luck. I helped prepare the meal and clean up along with the pastors wife and son. I really felt like I was a part of something and it made me really happy to give back to a church that has given me so much...

Woody came over for dinner later that evening and was we talked and exchanged gifts I realized that I had returned to a familiar place. Before Woody I spent my holiday's serving at church and yesterday I felt many of the same positive feelings that I did then, but a slew of new ones. I was reminded as I was serving communion...that it is better to be a door keepr in God's House than to be in the company of the in crowd... Psalm 84:10 my translation....

Labels: Church, Faith, Health, Ministry