June 04, 2010

How He Loves

Summer Pastures Near Rogers AR

June 4th 2010

He is jealous for me,

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane,
I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight
of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware
of these afflictions
eclipsed by glory,
And I realize
just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections
are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

We are His portion
and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption
by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean,
we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth
like a sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently
inside of my chest,
I don’t have time
to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

He loves us
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all


Song “How He Loves”
Written by John Mark McMillan
AS CAP/CCLI/©2005 John Mark McMillan
www. thejohnmark. Com

I am rather particular about worship songs. I despise schlock that passes as Praise Music and these Top 40 songs that make Jesus sound like your girlfriend… When I would hear this song on the radio, as it has hit the charts again with a recover by the Dave Crowder Band I would turn the station as I found it… juvenile.

However we have been singing this song a lot at the contemporary service at the Methodist church, and the kids seem to love it at the Youth Mass at Catholic Church. I also have a friend continually concerned that I just cant seem to process the love of God in my heart who gently ordered me to “sing the song to yourself ten times a day until you can begin to understand the meaning of the message…Jesus loves YOU… and so do I…”

So… I have been bombarded by this tune. It seems that God wants to tell me something about Himself. Something that I have found impossible to understand.

I have been stuck for quite a while… wrestling with the ideas of Gods love and Grace and His will and the calamities the befall us all. I have had more than my share of grief in my life. In this time of relative calm it seems that memories and long buried pains are cropping up like dragons teeth. I would find myself sobbing for no reason and the nightmares at times have been terrible. I would pray and pray and read scripture…Finally I had an appointment with my therapist, who challenged me to try to find myself in that ultimate book of human vs calamity…the book of Job.

I am on an odyssey to find myself in the pages of this book, to allow the words of the scriptures bring up old memories, feelings fears and pain and to write about it. The first few chapters were so agonizing that I wasn’t going to keep on with it. But another friend challenged me to keep trying. That he was struggling through a lot of the same issues and was doing a similar exercise with writing . While it is hard, I have found some beautiful things to think about. So I am going to keep after it.

Another friend, when I shared with her about my situation, passed into my hands a wonderful book called “Why Am I Afraid To Love?” by Fr. John Powell SJ. It its few pages he explains in layman’s terms how the lack of love sharing experiences in early childhood, make it difficult if not impossible for a person to understand and appreciate love expressed to them by another human being but most importantly from God Himself. I see myself over and over again in the examples given and points taken. I realize that the abuse has taken its toll, and that our family system is so broken on a grand scale that any expectation of "normal" whatever that is will not be productive


In trying to gain some perspective on the subject, I am also trying to understand the possessive but inclusive nature of the love of God… God Wants to posess us exclusively but also inclusively within the context of His Body...When a human has “loved” me possessively, it hasn’t been a good thing at all… God loves me possessively I need to think more about this

In spending time meditating on this, I have decided that I really don’t know what love is. I don’t know how to give or receive love, I don’t know if I have ever been truly loved by another person. There have always been conditions, expectations and demands…most of which I was unable to meet. I am so hurt inside that I am afraid to reach out, to believe in and to trust…in anyone or anything

I want to learn how to love aright. Im not sure that I can on my own without the help of another person…Im not sure if I will ever begin to understand it, on a human level let alone the unconditional love of God. The book that I have been reading seems to point towards relationship being the answer… I am really ready to find this I am seeking this growth everyday and want the truth to fill my life and my heart

Until I do find what I am looking for, I will continue to feel like this tree in my photo grounded in the solid earth soaking up the nourishing rain and sun, but battered by the storms of life. It is my prayer to grow to be better able to cope with the storms of life so like this sapling, I can be strong enough to withstand the hurricane of His love

Labels: Faith, faith working, Family History, Personal Growth, Praise and Worship

March 14, 2010

The Lenten Journey

Late Spring at Lake Norwood Bella Vista AR

Yes its been quite a while. I had a birthday while I was away and that went well. My friend Diane took me to dinner and to see the brilliant choral group Kapelle she also gave me a nice gift of a car emergency kit, something I can really use with my 60 mile a day drive

I am sorry that I have neglected my blogs, but time escapes me... I am living life rather than writing about it, praying and preparing for my first Reconciliation which is this week. I only have to confess up to the point of my baptism in 1990. That leaves a multitude of sins I need to forget and a multitude that need confessing, so I shall do that on the 17th.

In between times of reflection there is work, which is going along well. I still have much to learn, I made a goal to learn three new procedures every week. I run around begging for help to get my work done, because the training program is non exist ant. But I choose to not let that stop me and I get through my evenings, and one day I will be as proficient as anyone else there...The men have been better about things and I will have another lady on the shift soon. Im very excited about this.

Working there is a daily test of my willingness to put into practice the things I have learned in Ala Non. Most importantly I am responsible for my feelings and how I react to things around me... And if I say something in all good faith and someone takes it wrong it is not my fault or worry that this other person feels bad. Or if these men misunderstand that as a woman I have feelings and stress might just make me cry once in a while.

Mostly I smile and type away all night. I am so happy to have this job...I fear that somehow like so many of the good things of my life's journey, it will suddenly be ripped away from me and all will be lost...So I work hard, I have a full work load now, and often I fall behind... I am not as fast a typist as the others, who have been there for a long time, but by the end of the day or night as it were I get caught up and all is well.

I am trying very very hard to live in the moment...to make every moment count, every financial decision count, spend money very wisely... To not think too far ahead. I try to just enjoy the day and not think about tomorrow for it may never come.

I heard from my lawyer, and can sign the bankruptcy papers and file within the week. I have prayed about this and while I feel terrible about the money, I see no other way. No one will work with me and the int rest has gone up so high that I can never hope to pay it all back. There is so much that I need from medical care to car repairs. I see no help for it...

I have also started my annulment from Woody with his blessing. What I thought would be a slam dunk due to the circumstances of my civil divorce. But it is going to be the same long process as the first one. I am discouraged about this but will submit myself and try this again. I don't know how this will turn out...I have no witnesses to offer support for my case I have neither family nor friend from the time I was married... I will start looking at people here but it will be difficult to say the least. I shall have to be creative. I want to get this done as soon as I can, because Woody is in a very unstable situation, and may disappear off the face of the earth

It must seem to some that read my blog that I am in the same position, but no, I shall be here for a good long time. NW Arkansas is my home. The beautiful snowy winter has been a trial but also a blessing as well, and has shown me the rightness of my decision to stay here and try to make a life here.... I know I have grown as a person. I am choosing to take along all that is good in my life and leaving behind all that hinders or is burden rather than a blessing... to that end....In the time that I have been away my comment generator has been replaced with a different system that is not really compatible with my elderly blogging platform. I am going to switch to Blogger commenting in the coming days. The loss of over 1700 comments on this blog is painful but I don't want a system that will allow the random posting of photos and videos on my blogs. I am hoping to get this upgrade in soon... And I am seriously considering ending my journal My Wide Blue Seas completely and moving to a new blogging home. The number of posts (over 1400) many with photos makes for a large blog. I also question the relevance of this blog to my new life and would a new blog allow for a fresh vision. Its an interesting idea and one that I am seriously looking at...

And so it goes. My Lenten journey with its reading, fasting, and deep prayers has been a good one and I look forward to seeing where God leads in coming days

Labels: Blogging, Catholic, faith working, working

January 17, 2010

The Coldest Day Ever

Winter's long shadows over Pear Tree Cottage Metfield Bella Vista AR

"No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other, or be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.
"So I tell you, don't worry about everyday life-whether you have enough food, drink, and clothes. Doesn't life consist of more than food and clothing? Look at the birds. They don't need to plant or harvest or put food in barns because your heavenly Father feeds them. And you are far more valuable to him than they are. Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? Of course not.
"And why worry about your clothes? Look at the lilies and how they grow. They don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and gone tomorrow, won't he more surely care for you? You have so little faith!
"So don't worry about having enough food or drink or clothing. Why be like the pagans who are so deeply concerned about these things? Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs, and he will give you all you need from day to day if you live for him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern.
"So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today.

Jesus Christ

Matthew 6:24-34

I sit in sunny warmth that feels like spring even though it is merely 40 degrees. The previous months deep cold is like a memory... one morning it was 15 below when I went out to get the paper at 10 am. I stood there and thought to myself that this undoubtedly is the coldest temperature I have ever felt..

The strangeness of this time of extremes is one reason why I find it so hard to write, not only here in my blog but on face book , or letters to my friends and even my journal. I spend a lot of time these days in contemplation... meditating on what seems to be a time of challenge but also happiness and healing. I fear for the future at times and at other times I am elated at possibilities. I pray to hang onto hope, because its hard to do that sometimes.

I have not had work since the 31st . The terrible weather the first days of the New Year slowed down my job hunting, and things are still very slow. I have no money, no prospects for getting any soon and frankly I dont know what to do, other than what I am doing. Making phone calls, using the paper the Internet and networking as I can, to try to find something, something to do where I can earn a living.

The struggle, disappointment and feeling of disconnect, makes it hard to hope. I recently listened to a study on Joesph and his brothers...how long did he languish in slavery, in prison after being falsely accused, before he was raised up to the right hand of Pharoah. A long time, and relief came in an uncertain way, a unexpected way, and forgiveness was necessary, over and over again. This seems to be my way of life. A cycle of uncertainty to the point of desperation, provision, recollection then the cycle repeats itself.I am coming to see that I need to see beyond my circumstances and daily live by the promises of God...

It is hard to see others in the same struggle. I spent hours at unemployment the other day. There is NO blue colar work left here in this area. I saw the face of hopelessness on these faces as the lines streached out so long that it took me three hours to get to the counter and two hours to see someone... I vowed to not give up... to not let my face look like those that I saw in that waiting area

But that is hard. Men give up, some have killed themselves. Suicides have increased here. Its hard to accept. It is harder still to have hope handed to you only to find it not really anything at at... I was steered to an organization that is trying to set up housing solutions for "marginally or nearly homeless" women. I contacted the lady in charge, she asked all sorts of questions, and felt she could help me... would I come to a meeting..and I said I would.

Well I went and listened ...turned out that to these kind but a touch out of touch people, all with great jobs or pensions, feel that to be "marginally or nearly homeless" one had to be a parolee or coming out of re hab, and have one or a number of illegitimate children. In other words you have to make a bunch of bad choices to get help...I was stunned.

When I asked if someone like me could get help from this organization, I drew silence. I had introduced myself and explained my needs, and no one looked at me. I then said that I knew of other organizations that did similar things but there was no one out there helping honest people who are falling through the cracks every day. I found myself thinking that had I givine up a sober life and made the sorts of "bad choices" they were speaking of..would I deserve help?

The meeting went on, and I was even given an assignment, to help find small business opportunites and maketing for the handicrafts they are going to teach these women as a "job skill". For funding for the coffee shop they want to open. I couldnt believe it... They need to learn office skills or better yet a trade like plumbing, electrical, or construction, or all of the above. There are people who would help them, but knitting???

I have come to believe that like my family who needs a "poor relation" to feel sorry for, to talk about, to even rub salt into the wounds of the hurting one...the community needs to have such people around, thats why the focus on those that make poor choices rather than those that just need a little help in life. This seems to be true not just with government and the welfare programs that have proven to be so unfruitful, but Christian groups who seem to continually minister to the poor that stay poor. If there is no encouragement to grow and get better, no incentive to keep trying to improve, no investment in their future, and this doesnt come cheaply... I think its criminal to not give real help, real job training real education to these women, all these folks are going to do is treat them like children and keep them dependent, unable to earn a real living, and continue the cycle of poverty

In the same vein, the way we as a country are ignoring the millions of people that have just given up on life due to unemployment is just shameful... there are places in this land where people out of work now have no hope of getting a job no matter how much they look and look...they have run out of benefits, they have family, churches, friends that dont know what to do, so they give up on them. They stop calling, stop visting, stop helping. Ministries that started a year ago to help the jobless have run out of steam, mired in the overwellming need. When do we invest in these people...these communities...When to we reach out and have a high profile telethon for the rebuilding of these communities... When do we rebuild our own country?

Two people in my life killed themselves in the last 10 days over these issues... My heart is just broken... but I am angry as well...I can understand why they did it.
I have family that has cut me off... friends that will not call me back, and ministries that promised help that cannot help me now... I understand why taking one's life might be attractive...

I dont want a hand out... I want a job. Once I get one. I promise that I will not forget those less fortunate than I, that dont have work. I will do whatever I can to help that person, in this financially coldest day ever... And I will not give up speaking out about it. This is an injustice that will haunt us for generations to come in this country, may God have mercy on them that suffer and wake up those that have the means to get involved....

Labels: Breaking News, Church, faith working

January 01, 2010

We’ll Take A Cup Of Kindness Yet

Snowy Pasture Benton County Arkansas

Post completed 1-3-09

"Your life has taken many a difficult turn, but now a year later, you have come through, you have stood the test, have kept the faith. Your life is now a blank canvas, ready for The Lord and you...YOU (as she gently poked me with her finger)To create a new picture... to paint a new vision... Dont let ANYONE else paint on it..."


Sandy Andrews, on the feast of All Saints, when she returned to FUMCBV to remember the life of her departed husband Dr. Ed Andrews nearly one year after his death

Its a..
A New Day
A New Week
A New Month
A New Year
A New Decade

Like the Magi, we have discovered a star—a light and guide in the sky of our soul. “We have seen his star in the east and have come to worship him.” We have had the same experience. We too noticed a new light shining in our soul and growing increasingly brighter. It was a desire to live a fully Christian life, a keenness to take God seriously.

- St. Josemaria Escriva

I am out of a job and am a lady of leasure as of yesterday at 4 pm. I was ready to go. It wasnt a surprise. I made a decision that people were more important than production, names and stories rather than numbers and production. My stats went down and the decision to retain was in the end made just by the numbers. Im ok with that. I am afraid a little but I know God is with me and will provide for my needs

I have made a decision that I will be true to my God and his principles, True to my faith and the principles of the Church, and perhaps most importantly and as part and parcel to that which has proceeded... I will be true to myself, my needs, my feelings and my values... To have stayed on "top" at Walmart.com, meant I would have had to cheat, cut corners and ultimately sell out to the machine. I couldnt do that. My young up and coming boss was fired three weeks ago for fudging the numbers for the team...the others will be found out. I got a glowing letter of reccomendation and direction on how to find jobs with walmart. I will be working that job board heavily in the comming days

I also interviewed at a local trucking company. It was a three hour interview with a man who had been "meaning" to call me. I find the timing facinating... Its about as far away as any place I have interviewed so far... the only carrier futher away is CTI up in Joplin, but that cannot be a consideration...The manditory 45-50 hour work week cant be a consideration. Abigail locked in a cage day in and out cant be a consideration. I have to work. If the job is a success I will move closer to the terminal... which means not being so stuck on this house that I buy it and be locked in...everything is subject to re evaluation

I have come to some major decisions Nothing that was important before matters in 2010. Everything is up for grabs and for reconsideration...This includes relationships, prior commitments, and agreements. Nothing is going to be left "as it was" I cant afford that anymore.

First and foremost...Who or what is King in my life, and if Jesus is King in my life, and I have seen His star before me..the "Hokulea" the Star of Gladness, how committed am I to following that Star?... I was challenged both in a AA meeting I attended New Years Day and listening to Charles Stanley last night, that its not about the miricle of sobriety or just faith...you have to live it out,... accept the gift of salvation and releationship with God, but you have to do it, and that requires trust and obedience... As Dr. Stanley said, "How can you have relationship with someone you dont trust, you arent honest with, and are in rebellion to?" The answer is you cant be. My life with Woody was filled with these negative things. We had no trust, no transparency and because of the lack of love and understanding it made it impossible to not "rebel" so to speak against the other. I know he balked at anything and subtilely sabataged my efforts at a sober life and I found myself cursing him in my heart constantly as his lack of care of any part of our life together sucked the very will to live from my being. I found myself less and less willing to try to trust God because it seemed like I prayed and prayed for good and light as my heart grew darker and darker

The same with sobriety...Im pretty proud of the fact that I have now 21 years of sobriety but..have I been living a sober life? Its more than giving up the bottle, the condom, and the straw... Its living out The Steps, Traditions and Concepts which I havent done. I have tried to hold it together through sheer force of will, and as that crumbled, I found myself addicted to "love" and "hate" I fell in love with a man I can never have, just thinking about him gave me a buzz, and my daily cursing of Woody fueled a rage that became an addiction as strong as crack...Both of them are like crack really and just as lethal.

I am done with all of that. Woody has failed to contact me since he was here in November. We are done. I thought we could be friends but he wants to go his own way and the frustration of seeing him drink himself to death is not something I need in my life. If you are reading this farewell, I miss the you I used to know, not what you have turned into.

Mr. Wonderful left this area because of a job transfere last year. We have talked a few times but again nothing for a long time. He has moved on. For all of our sakes I need to move on as well. Let him go. I hear about how his family is doing though others he is in closer contact with, and its like a knife twist that I dont see him, yet we both know this would be a very bad idea...The emotions are fading and this makes me sad too. Farewell, my friend, have a wonderful life, you have earned it and deserve it. Thank you for being there for me when no one else was


Knowing him has been a bond with life, and a catalyst for change in my manner of living . He has a beautiful life, and in no way would I ever want to disrupt that. I need to be happy for the good times and have no regrets...

Lest you think this is about beating poor Hoku up, let me ease your mind. This will be the last said about any of this. I really am done with it all. There is a part of me that just wants to be free and I shall be. I have poured that New Years Cup of Kindness for myself as 2009 passed into 2010...as I listen to Christmas music even now Jan third and will likely leave my tree up till tax day cause I love it so.

I want to do things that will make me happy...even if they are hard or dont make sense to the rest of those around me. Its going to take a lot of work but its going to be worth it.

I believe in resolutions...goals more like... I have a few already thought up and mentally agreed upon for this year. They are:

Nothing is off the table with regards to what is best for Hoku...I have spent my whole life doing for others or what others thought was best for me. This year, in the face of great adversity I have tried to do what is best for me, and that will continue even if the costs rise in the interim...

I will pursue my faith...My faith is my primary vocation...and worship, how I worship, where I worship is very important. I currently minister in a church that is getting harder for me to be a part of. I will eventually have to decide if I continue there or withdraw completely in favor of either exclusivly attending the Catholic Church, or staying a hybrid and attending a evangelical church as well. I have a standing invitation to come to another body, a Disciples of Christ Church like Beargrass Church in Louisville where I attended while in Louisville. Sandy, the lady quoted above moved there after the death of her husband. That is if I feel the need for the teaching one gets in a protestant church, I might get plenty by utilizing the internet and books...I can also pray for change at FUMCBV, but right now there are enough difficulties that a move may be necessary even though I would miss my friends and leading worship terribly...

I will read 10 "Important" books. Not necessarily "classics" or "serious" works but I want to read books that will have a lasting effect on my thoughts and life.

Book 1 is in progress it is Jon Sweeny's "Almost Catholic". This book is for any person interested in Christian spiritual practices, not just Catholics or those that are in Catholic formation. Mr. Sweeney is High Church but not Catholic, his words say page after page things I have tried to say to those that are opposing my entering Holy Mother Church, that litugical practice frees us from the tyranny of the freedom to make our own way in the world spiritually and wondering if we are getting it right. I have experienced this first hand as I was run out of the ministry because I no long fit with the program... I watched a dear friend suffer at the hands of an abusive pastor because his worship leadership was not "cutting edge" enough..whatever that meant... You need structure and some foundation to build upon...

anyway those that read this blog please give me ideas, and list books at the end of this post that have impacted your life that you think would benefit me in my journey

I will file for bankruptcy, its no longer an option. I am being threatened with more than a lawsuit by a creditor right now. I will try to see a lawyer this week. Its not a matter either of pride or being a deadbeat. Its kinder to just get it overwith to everyone.

I will learn to crochet this year. I have a skein of yarn and a j hook and can chain stitch sort of already...

I will watch less tv and listen to more music, read more books and cruise Facebook less

I will be kind to myself.. I will say "I am worthwhile...I am worthwhile..." as many times as needed. I will never again visit the Walmart gun counter... I dont need to do that no matter who will be the first person to get that phone call...

I will be open to dating... I will be open to possibilities

Most of all... I will drink of the cup of kindness, weither given to me by friend or stranger, God or myself, and I will drink deeply and enjoy its fruits. I will also choose to pass that cup to all that I meet for God would have it so

Labels: AA, Catholic, Church, Faith, faith working, IN, Louisville, Praise and Worship, Relationships, Scenic Arkansas, Woody, working

December 24, 2009

Chritsmas Canceled

Christmas Color Cooper Chapel Bella Vista

"Hoku, I dont know if you were planning on coming but all services at First Church are canceled due to weather..." I listened to the message on my phone disappointed, the weather was turning foul as we all left work early to beat the onslaught of damp cold....

I drove the mile down J street to St. Steven, Msgr. Scott was at the door, I pulled into the portages, and was told that mass would be said at 5 but the candlelight mass at 10 pm would likely be canceled..Christmas Day who knows...Somewhat dejected I drove away...

My friend Diane has other plans for Christmas Day...The community dinner at First Church a tradition in this city of strangers far from family and friends, so that single people, people living too far from family, would have a place to go on this most family oriented of days...will likely be canceled... For reasons best kept close to my heart, I was hoping to do something else...this was an event utterly transformed by our former pastor and his wife who love to cook and entertain a crowd. They saw it as a special ministry to those of us that had no place else...and it was an event, to say the least ...last year I was able to assist them in this and had the best time...I dont know if I can go to this years, if I will be bothered by the lack of color and drama, But I will go rather than stay home alone...

And so, as the snow drifts around my door I am grateful for the light and warmth in my little cottage...As I watch the midnight mass on EWTN grateful for the luxury of this mini cable package I have I found myself thinking about how Christmas has been canceled for a lot of people in one way or the other...

The word "cancel" is a big part of what I do on my job. I cancel orders because they are fraudulent, because they are wrong and I cant change them, or because the people dont want them anymore...but mostly I cancel orders that have expired. They are orders that have been sitting in my pending that we have called to verify for three days... People often call back after the order has expired, none too happy that they arent getting their stuff, sometimes they dont call they replace the order on the web site or wait and wait...Some of the stories of canceled orders broke my heart. I would hear the phrase over and over
"Please dont tell me it is canceled..."

"Please dont tell me it is canceled... the website gives a tracking number but it never moved out of the warehouse...this is my daughters last Christmas, we dont expect her to make it throught the next round of Chemo...She still believes that God will heal her...she still believes in Santa Claus. The color she wanted is out of stock..I dont care if it is blue or pink, I just need one, she has wanted it all year long..."
Im in billing and not customer service, and cant do a lot but I can call someone who can. I called Customer service and the guy took one look at the botched order, heard the story and whipped Santa's reindeer into shape and the little blue guitar was on its way to a very sick little girl who may not ever learn to play it but if it gives her comfort then it is all worth it.

Please dont tell me its canceled again..." a young woman exasperated and beside herself cried into the phone. you are the fifth person I have talked to I dont know what to do... I have tried to buy this engagement ring 4 times now... The wedding is Jan 6, my fiance is going to Afganistan and wants us to be married before he goes, he doesnt need the extra burden of a problem with the ring...

Ring? Rings I know...I ask what the problem seems to be as I look up the order. "I cant seem to get my size in time..." I was speachless. Sizing is not a big deal. I tell her I would call her back in the morning. I called the fufillment center that ships the jewelry. A guy answered the phone...I asked him about the order. Sure enough, they have size 8 and size 10...By then I have a picture of said ring on my monitor. It can be sized down easy... I asked if the had a bench jeweler on site. He said yes...I said "So, size the 10 to a 9 and ship it, these kids need our help..." "Cant do that cant ship altered merchendise as new..." I snapped, "Look this isnt rocket science and if Tiffany's will size a peice prior to sale so can we... The wedding is Jan 6 they have been trying to get this for a month..." By then I have an audience surrounding my pod of co workers, "Look take a 10 put it in a ring clamp, split the shank at center with a cutoff blade, you remove enough materiel for one size soldier together polish and steam. Easy I can do 15 an hour and Im an amature. He stammered, "But.." I said.."DO IT...this is not going to be a return." I thanked him and hung up. I got a standing ovation from my co workers... I called the little bride the next day...She was in tears..." Mam'm it is so beautiful and it fits perfectly" They must have shipped it out within an hour of our conversation. I am coming to believe that many of life's problems can be solved, often all it takes is finding someone who cares and will listen to you

A quiet, voice almost a whisper says "Please, Please tell me they arent canceled...I ask for a number, and pull up her order. "They cant be canceled, I couldnt call... my husband died two days ago and... I tell her we at Walmart are sorry for her loss. My boss comes over and listens in. "It wass my husbands wish to help each of our grandkids this holiday by buying them a new laptop. He dictated a letter to each child and I have those but I need the computers...." My boss unpluged her headset and went to her desk and did a shipping upgrade and began to release the orders. Ten top of the line laptops. Maggie gave me the thumbs up. I sat with the widow for a few minutes, allowing time for a cry and some encouragement to go her way...

Sometimes it takes but a little time to listen and be wiling to stick our necks out a little to create a miricale... I have learned this Chistmas season that it is all about love and giving of one's time. I know that Chistmas is brighter for these and many others I worked with this past few weeks. No matter what happens, including being let go at the end of next week...Yes Im getting a pinkslip for Christmas, its all about people, and being there for them so that they dont feel "canceled"

In the mean time I need to find a new purpose for my life. I fell that my life is "canceled" "aborted at shipment" "out of stock" "fraud" I know that God has something in mind for me I just need to listen and remember that there are no canceled lives in His great plan

Labels: Faith, faith working, Personal Growth, working

October 26, 2009

Restoring My Sight

Growing into gold a tree in transition Peartree Cottage Metfield Bella vista AR

O Jesus,
I want to live in the present moment
to live as if this were
the last day of my life

St Faustina of the Divine Mercy
from her diary, portion 1183

I have been confronted by this weeks Sunday scripture...how a blind man called out to Jesus against the crowds admonitions to be silent, then risking everything, for that tattered cloak was his "home" his shelter against the elements, his only possession, he threw it aside and scrambled to Jesus... The faith demonstrated is extraordinary, for how was he going to retrieve his garment if he stayed blind?...but the blind man thought only about the moment, Jesus was in the present moment and he had the choice to got to him right away or live safe with his cloak and the regrets of what might have been...

My life has become a daily lesson in living in the moment, an intensly personal inward walk towards a destination that is beyond my understanding.I have no idea where I am going or how I will get there, or if am even going in the right direction. All I know is that I have a journey to make. God has provided provision, occupation, fellowship, and various avenues for my spritual and mental growth in this season of transition. Like the blind man I am throwing off old notions of how I should live, work, worship,and think... giving up sins that kept me blind, spiritual training that created a modern day pharisee of me insted of a true disciple that Jesus longs for me to be... living in the moment the way St. Faustina describes in her diary...the way our Lord lived His life here on earth...

I feel like my life is broken down into tiny bites, bits and peices of daily living. They dont flow into something greater they just seem to "Be"... one moment then the next moment then the next. My thought process is somewhat compartimentalized anyway so this ads to my feeling of disjointedness

My work day is very much like this... each phone call I take at the call center is a solitary moment in time...each call I make to verify a transaction, or take to answer a customers question is a singular moment. Never to be repeated in quite the same way. I am very much aware of this and that this will be the only time I touch this persons life, to never speak to them again.

....I take another call and another.."yes ma'am, there has been an order placed on our website using your credit card number ending in...." a victim of fraud answers a message one of us has left on their phone... there are varied emotions on the other end of that phone, and I am limited as to what I can say to the victim of identity theft. Limited in the consolation I can give... bound by the law and the priorities of the world's largest retailer. ... time is critical. We are working in real time and the fraudster is stealing more as we sit there talking. I hurry through the phone numbers and instructions realizing that this persons life has just been thrown into a muddle and all I can say is sorry...

but for all of that I am humbly grateful for the job, hopeful that it might turn into something more. I like it really. I feel like I am doing worthwile work. I am helping people. My shift is now more of an afternoon and evening one and that leaves me my mornings to read watch mass on EWTN spend some quality time with Miss Abigail who has grown into the cutest little love bug... A neighbor comes in late afternoon to let her out for potty and on nice days they go for a walk. There havent been many of those. Cool and wet its been now with only a handful of dry bright days. I get home early enough to have a few hours to shop on my way home, to have a small meal and if I wanted watch TV thought that has become such a low prioity that the minimal cable package...(I now only have local channels and the religious stations like EWTN , and TBN. I also get Turner movies...all for 22.00 a month pretty cheap)

Because I am working evenings I have given up Alanon, no day meetings fit, and evenings are out. I also have dropped out of RCIA for now thought I am still attending St Stephen on saturday nights. I am waiting on God to show me His will on my swim accross the Tiber.

I have begun using a Divine Office for prayer and meditation in the last month, that too chops up my day into three prayer times. As I am still a candidate to join the Brothers and Sisters of Charity, this is what they use so my times of prayer and theirs sort of come together.

I am in hopes of a change in my life wroght by this time of one foot in front of the other...that the trust in God that I sought for myself so deeply is coming to the surface. As I daily trust God for my very exisitance I am growing in my knowledge of Him and His desire that I live like this one foot in front of the other. I tell people its like being a tightrope walker if you look down to to the side you will plunge to your death.

I want to thank those who pray for me and have and are there for me constantly. I couldnt get there without your help...for those that attend worship with me that read this thank you for your love and support.

To the trolls that lurk on my site that wait a year to say anything then make condeming comments and belittle my stituation, saying "so what you deserve it because you go to wrong church..." read that passage in James about wishing your brother to "be warmed and filled" then walking away. Only the litugically based churchs seem to have the resources to help folks these trying days... I am finding more good in my daily readings and prayers than I did just reading the Bible alone...

And to those that share in my sufferings... We are a long way from seeing daylight no matter what the pundits on tv say. We are in a depression in many parts of the country. I am glad ..GLAD God has used this trial to open my eyes to the true plight of the poor. Like the blind man, I had to run to Jesus to ask for my sight, and he has shown me the pain around me. I am not alone. My sight is being restored bit by bit... I want to be able to say...Yes I can see Jesus.......

Labels: faith working, Friends