Short Bio~Hokule'a Kealoha is the Nom De Plume of a writer that formerly lived in Hawaii and is now living a life of adventure on the highways and byways of the American South . I am a Born Again follower of Jesus, as well as a wife, mother of cats and dogs,jeweler, entreprenuer, photographer and pilgrim...
Age~ Old enough to know better
Status~ Newly Single after 13 years of marriage,fur mom to the loving and devoted mini ShihTzu doggie Annabelle, born 6-11-2007 RIP 2-25-09, and the beautiful Abigail born 2-14-09
Hair Color~ natural brown/grey
Mood~ I ALWAYS have a mood, try me...
Loving~ Jesus, Hawaii, my furry friend, Abigail, my Pen Pals, Jewelry ,Blogging ,Writing anything,my Ipod,and being outdoors surrounded by my wonderful natural surroundings
Growing into gold a tree in transition Peartree Cottage Metfield Bella vista AR
O Jesus, I want to live in the present moment to live as if this were the last day of my life
St Faustina of the Divine Mercy from her diary, portion 1183
I have been confronted by this weeks Sunday scripture...how a blind man called out to Jesus against the crowds admonitions to be silent, then risking everything, for that tattered cloak was his "home" his shelter against the elements, his only possession, he threw it aside and scrambled to Jesus... The faith demonstrated is extraordinary, for how was he going to retrieve his garment if he stayed blind?...but the blind man thought only about the moment, Jesus was in the present moment and he had the choice to got to him right away or live safe with his cloak and the regrets of what might have been...
My life has become a daily lesson in living in the moment, an intensly personal inward walk towards a destination that is beyond my understanding.I have no idea where I am going or how I will get there, or if am even going in the right direction. All I know is that I have a journey to make. God has provided provision, occupation, fellowship, and various avenues for my spritual and mental growth in this season of transition. Like the blind man I am throwing off old notions of how I should live, work, worship,and think... giving up sins that kept me blind, spiritual training that created a modern day pharisee of me insted of a true disciple that Jesus longs for me to be... living in the moment the way St. Faustina describes in her diary...the way our Lord lived His life here on earth...
I feel like my life is broken down into tiny bites, bits and peices of daily living. They dont flow into something greater they just seem to "Be"... one moment then the next moment then the next. My thought process is somewhat compartimentalized anyway so this ads to my feeling of disjointedness
My work day is very much like this... each phone call I take at the call center is a solitary moment in time...each call I make to verify a transaction, or take to answer a customers question is a singular moment. Never to be repeated in quite the same way. I am very much aware of this and that this will be the only time I touch this persons life, to never speak to them again.
....I take another call and another.."yes ma'am, there has been an order placed on our website using your credit card number ending in...." a victim of fraud answers a message one of us has left on their phone... there are varied emotions on the other end of that phone, and I am limited as to what I can say to the victim of identity theft. Limited in the consolation I can give... bound by the law and the priorities of the world's largest retailer. ... time is critical. We are working in real time and the fraudster is stealing more as we sit there talking. I hurry through the phone numbers and instructions realizing that this persons life has just been thrown into a muddle and all I can say is sorry...
but for all of that I am humbly grateful for the job, hopeful that it might turn into something more. I like it really. I feel like I am doing worthwile work. I am helping people. My shift is now more of an afternoon and evening one and that leaves me my mornings to read watch mass on EWTN spend some quality time with Miss Abigail who has grown into the cutest little love bug... A neighbor comes in late afternoon to let her out for potty and on nice days they go for a walk. There havent been many of those. Cool and wet its been now with only a handful of dry bright days. I get home early enough to have a few hours to shop on my way home, to have a small meal and if I wanted watch TV thought that has become such a low prioity that the minimal cable package...(I now only have local channels and the religious stations like EWTN , and TBN. I also get Turner movies...all for 22.00 a month pretty cheap)
Because I am working evenings I have given up Alanon, no day meetings fit, and evenings are out. I also have dropped out of RCIA for now thought I am still attending St Stephen on saturday nights. I am waiting on God to show me His will on my swim accross the Tiber.
I have begun using a Divine Office for prayer and meditation in the last month, that too chops up my day into three prayer times. As I am still a candidate to join the Brothers and Sisters of Charity, this is what they use so my times of prayer and theirs sort of come together.
I am in hopes of a change in my life wroght by this time of one foot in front of the other...that the trust in God that I sought for myself so deeply is coming to the surface. As I daily trust God for my very exisitance I am growing in my knowledge of Him and His desire that I live like this one foot in front of the other. I tell people its like being a tightrope walker if you look down to to the side you will plunge to your death.
I want to thank those who pray for me and have and are there for me constantly. I couldnt get there without your help...for those that attend worship with me that read this thank you for your love and support.
To the trolls that lurk on my site that wait a year to say anything then make condeming comments and belittle my stituation, saying "so what you deserve it because you go to wrong church..." read that passage in James about wishing your brother to "be warmed and filled" then walking away. Only the litugically based churchs seem to have the resources to help folks these trying days... I am finding more good in my daily readings and prayers than I did just reading the Bible alone...
And to those that share in my sufferings... We are a long way from seeing daylight no matter what the pundits on tv say. We are in a depression in many parts of the country. I am glad ..GLAD God has used this trial to open my eyes to the true plight of the poor. Like the blind man, I had to run to Jesus to ask for my sight, and he has shown me the pain around me. I am not alone. My sight is being restored bit by bit... I want to be able to say...Yes I can see Jesus.......
The light on the hill, St Stephen's Catholic Church, Bentonville AR
I love this group... Third Day was the sound track for my time in Louisville, seems like they are the local fave band and I know they do get a lot of airplay on the local Christian Top 40 stations... Daily as I have trudged uphill inwardly through all of this I hear this song in my ears... A MWBS first, my first YouTube embed
Well, I know that there are some of you that wondered what happened to me, trust me I was wondering if I would be able to get back to blogging. I guess I had just run out of things to say. I also frankly have begun to feel like there are lurkers that check in on my life this way but dont take the time to pick up the phone and talk to me... The silence encouraged contact...for those of you that didnt call that have my number... dont bother...
I am well. I actually have two posts started on the two incredible jobs I have had since Labor Day, and rather than write about them now I will save them for another day.
My silence started three weeks ago when I realized that I had come to an end... I had no money, I had run out of food, Abi was sick, my utilities were going to be turned off, my insurance was canceled I had no prospects for anything. I froze up, and found that I couldnt face the world, with my Jesus smile on my face... I couldnt fathom what I was going to do or what I should do... so I stayed home suddenly on a Sunday morning, stayed in my jammies with the doggie and prayed, read the Word and leaned on God, asking God to give me the strength to face whatever it was I needed to face. The future looked really bad...
I know the truth, the God takes care of us. We are required to meet Him where He wants to meet us, that is not necessarily half way, sometimes it is 1/100 th of the way, but we need to do whatever it is that He wants us to do. I didnt know what that was until the next day. I was walking in the rain working on finding leads for my insurance work. I was lightly dressed and had a jacket on and I felt like I did 30 years ago... before I was married to the Engineer...when I walked aimlessly in West LA with my gay friends through some pretty mean streets. Hopeless and pretty lost feeling... flash forward I was hungry and cold and wondering if this was my future... There are a lot Believers living that way right now...OK God I thought I can do this if I must, as long as You are with me...
I received a phone call about an hour later from a friend asking me to do him a favor... as it turned out it was going to cost money... Not a lot of money, not enough to even register in this person's mind that "Hey, maybe she cant afford to do this for me..." But I didnt have two bucks of change left in my ashtray to get a burger...but at that point I said nothing, I waited and got the object he wanted mailed to his friend ready to mail off... When evening came, I told him via email that I hadnt the money for the project...and my phone rang...how much did I need...and please tell him what the situation really was like... which I did. He gently told me that I would receive and envelope from a mutual friend at a small group meeting we both attended the next day and I was to use what I needed to mail off the package and put the rest in my gas tank... The envelope was discreetly passed to me the next morning and there was just enough to pay UPS for the package and fill up my van with much needed gas...
In the same way I heard from a friend at church who is in management there, she was concerned that I was sick with no one to look after me... Well I told her the truth...that I just couldnt face it anymore... I am battle weary and worn out, and needed a day to just stop... She said that she didnt know how I had managed to stand up and face my situation day in and day out the way I have... and stay sane... I told her that sanity is debatable but I am still here, but... I was really in trouble and not sure what to do next. I told her my situation...There are services that can help me but they are very limited, and families are served first because the limited amount of aid goes to help more people. I shared with her that I swore I would never ask the church for help, but I didnt have anyone else to ask, my family has impossible conditions for me to meet, I have been unsuccessful in getting any sort of public assistance...
So the church got my power,phone water and car insurance caught up. I also have done some clean up work for several events held there that has brought in much needed income, that helped me pay the rent. They provided a gift card for a local market. Another friend sent me 100.00, which I have used to keep my van filled with gas. I received a bag of food for Abi...how did they know I was out of food for her? A Food Package was purchased in my name and given to me last week, things feel a bit easier..
Humbling myself before the church seems to be a key that has unlocked a huge door. I got two weeks work at a local water company... payment posting mostly but a wonderful small office with down to earth people that were just plain encouraging to be around day in and out. Then out of the the clear blue sky, a man with a local consulting firm called me. He had a 10 week plus assignment with Wal Mart.com, in fraud prevention. I have fininshed my first week and feel like this may be it, the permanant job I have been praying for. I feel very at home here and while this is very entry level and the pay reflects that, I know that God has guided me into this, and He will provide, I need to just trust Him and do my very best every day. There is the possibility they will need me after the Holidays, or that I will be able to get into another department. Walmart is not hiring here in the Home Office just now but seasonal work often leads into full time if there are openings...
Another tunnel that seems to have a light is my quest to join the Catholic Church. I had two horrid weeks at St Bernards, in their RCIA. These folks mean well but are not educated, and were not gifted in the teaching dept. It was about as interesting as watching grass grow... So a friend invited me to her church in Bentonville. They have a new priest who is a delightful man, very learned and teaches the classes himself. He is willing to work with me.. do anything needed to facilitate my entrance into the Church, and is very supportive of my continuing to minister at FUMCBV..."after all" Msgr Scott said..."its not a big leap, is it?" No its not... especially with St Stephens being what can only be described as very Contemporary with Praise and Worship music in the services, a crucifix with Jesus alive and in a posture of worship, arms raised, and a "read your Bible and witness to others" message at the Eucharist... Are we in a Baptist Church or what? Seriously, I sense a warmth of spirit and a potential for fellowship that hasnt been present before.. This is also a younger church full of young families and single people... who knows maybe I will meet Mr. Wonderful there... we never know... I just know that I have found a home there and perhaps this is the start of something big in my life...
And so there is a bit of light. I am not holding my breath, but walking forward in hope One Day at a Time, keeping my eyes fixed on Jesus the souce of my faith and provision..
The Tower at Twilight StStephen's Church Bentonville AR
A New Trail.. The new walking trailhead at the Little Golden Gate Bridge, Bever AR
Today I will do something that is good for me, even if it feels uncomfortable...Self discipline is self caring... M. Scott Peck
Today's title came form a on line logistics publication I read...I thought it summed up what I lacked yesterday when I wrote my last post.
Well, I went into work today, The sunrise was gorgeous. I have missed this part of NW Arkansas, the beautiful sunrises and sunset. Working night shift meant being in a building before sunset and asleep at dawn... It was very early, but I have been rising at five or earlier for much if the time I have been back from Louisville. Abi , seeming to know this was a big day, woke me at 430 am wrapping her tiny front legs around my face and gently kissing me with tiny licks.So adorable. I repositioned her for a gentle belly rub as I prayed against the fear in my guts...
I was afraid. Afraid of the transition. Afraid to believe that this really is finally going to happen. And afraid that I would fail... The doubts are real. The awareness that I am making an investment that may not pay off for a long time. I dont know how I will make it financially, but I will trust that the Jesus that multiplied a small boys lunch into food for 20,000 people, can make a miracle in my financial life.
I was placed into the hands of a delightful gal, for training. It is her opinion after the first day that I am destined for bigger things than the job that I would be starting at and not to worry. The firm is a growing concern. I knew that, its one of the reasons I worked for free that day, just to get into the door. I can only pray that I impress them and that they want to keep me on there.
I figured out the amount that I will need to make to qualify for an apartment in the complex nearby that I was wanting to move into. When the time comes that is what I will ask for and tell them why. Its a reasonable amount for my expertise and skill level. This moving would be an advantage to them because it would be a 5 minute drive to work. It is good for me because I would be close to the local Mall/Shopping Area, and 15 minutes to Fayetteville, the University and the social life there that is missing for me up here in Bella Vista. But the 60 mile round trip is easy highway driving, and walking Abi this afternoon after a summer shower, the forest here was so beautiful.. Will be hard to choose... Frankly I may not get to choose, Mr House Owner may put the place back on the market and it will be sold out from under me, I wouldn't blame him. The market is heating up. I just need to be ready to make a change and not fuss too much about it. I have enjoyed living here and it has been a good place for me to be. But I will lose a lot if I leave here and if I move it should be closer to my work so I can be more centered in the community. I think commuter culture is one of the reasons we all dont know anyone, not even our neighbors. I would certainly miss people at my church and the ladies I am getting to know at my Al Anon meetings, but I would plug into a younger more diverse church, and there are meetings daily in and around the area
I found the people very friendly, the work is exacting but I sense a real team mentality not like thisplace where you were expected to do what was on your list and no one pitched in to help you and woe to you if you screw up. It is ultra casual jeans and tee shirts mode. I can wear jeans every day, that is helpful as I bought more casual clothing, expecting to be in a workshop environment at this point. I heard over and over how glad people were to be there. I didn't sense the stress and upset I have seen in transportation firms before. This could truly be a great experience. I need to relax let go and let God direct this.
Please pray for us. Abi had a lovely time with her doggy sitter Diane. I know she will miss her next week, but Auntie Barbara across the street may come in if she is here. Her daughter is struggling with cancer and is not doing well and so there may be other priorities for her in these coming days. I have left her before for a whole day and her crate is very large. She is well and shows no sign of her illness last week.
Thank you for praying and for your encouragement. We are not out of the woods yet but I feel like there was a light shown at the end of this long dark tunnel. Im walking forward, armed with the most critical of information. That God is with us and His love never fails
the anchor that held me, my newly forming Christian faith nurtured in the hothouse of Hosanna Calvary Chapel Bellflower California
How do we sink into hopelessness? A thousand ways. It can be one terrible event or a cascade of sorrows. We’re knocked off balance, then taken down too far to just get back up. It’s not that you don’t want to climb out of it, it’s that you feel helpless to act, you can’t figure out how to get past a loss, how to get back on top of your life. Jennifer Hansen Heart and Soul June 20, 2009
I held the brightly painted cup in my hand, the flowers of spring... tulips, hydrangeas and hyacinths decorated the pretty breakfast bowls and plates. A set of two, for a pair of newlyweds, that never celebrated the intimate breakfast times I envisioned. A wedding gift from a lady I came to know well, a lady I resemble now more than ever... I shed a tear for her, and for all of the lost dreams, as I quickly packed the dishes into the for sale box.
I dont think I ever understood her, as she lived her contrary life, at least to the way of thinking for the rest of the residents of Midway street. Originally from the Northeast she came to California to work in aerospace. She had a lucrative position with McDonald Douglas, and was making six figures...
She took her savings and money from her inheritance and bought tiny house on Midway street. She planted all sorts of growing things, and lived to herself...
One day the job went away, her savings lost in the dot come bust. She was a college grad, but couldn't get a interview..she had made too much money, was too eccentric, hated kids, so no teaching...She borrowed against her house to make needed repairs and to feed herself... months went by, years went by, until the money ran out.
The bank took a long time to foreclose and evict her. She held sales of her family antiques and I bought a few pieces, which I have enjoyed... some I am selling next month in my own sale to help defer my living expenses.
Barbara had no family left and we worried about where she would end up living. My little house had no extra space at 689 square feet. Most of the other had several kids, one had three generations under a small roof...
As we were having the neighborhood meeting, we failed to notice a shadowy figure leave a house that was known to the neighbor kids as the "haunted" house where the scary man lived... the scary man was Robert, once an engineer at Boeing, he had a Bi Polar episode that was so severe he was declared disabled. He gave up his apartment and moved into the desolate house that had stood vacant for the many years after his mother's death. He left the house to ride his bike to the market once in a while, go to the doctor on dial a ride or Barbara would take him...
Tattered and disheveled, he knocked on Barbara's door. The next thing you know Barbara is walking around to the overgrown gate pushing in to flatten the weeds and they went to the back. Behind the house was a large attached semi finished sun room. a small bathroom and outlets for electric were already there and required a touch of work to make them functional. Bob offered her the room, rent and utility free, in exchange for a bit of yard work... She needed a home... He needed the comfort of having a friend...we certainly had shamefully not extended our hands to him, but we did now. We neighbors pitched in, patched the roof, renovated the bootlegged bathroom. I donated fabrics, blankets and a large roll of used carpet that covered the cement slab. Barbara cleared the brush and weeds, and we all took plants from her gardens and transplanted them all over the neighborhood, and in Robert's yards. She also planted a large vegetable garden that helped to feed them both.
Barbara eventually became a perpetual student. She got grants and student jobs that helped to pay tuition and kept gas in her pick up truck. She would pick up part time work in the college library. Truthfully she thrived in the new situation with the release of her house and the academic environment. Robert came out more and joined in the gatherings of the local menfolk on Steve's driveway in the evenings... clean shaven and patched clothing courtesy of Barbara. Like a pair of cranky siblings they shared the house... Ten years later they were still in this arrangement as far as I know.
Barbara had the Anchor of Community to help her beat despair. I had two other friends that at the same time went through similar situations one a friend at Hosanna, who struggled with mental illness, lost her aerospace job and then her home. She became a student, a boarder in one home after another, then she was able to get a few small jobs, and lived alone for a short time. A few months ago she emailed me. Life in California had become too hard financially so she moved to Nebraska, to tend an elderly aunt and lives with her.
Another friend who has had a nearly two decade struggle with employment problems health problems and a very difficult life. We dated on and off for a time...He was brilliant, a former sound engineer with A&M, and RCA, a graphic artist that repaired backdrops for the movie industry, as well as ties to aerospace, which is what he was doing when we were together. He too was hopelessly eccentric, uber conservative ...we'd have verbal knock down drag outs over topics like speaking in tongues, eternal security and previenient grace. We desided we were unequally yoked dispensationally, and remained friends...He actually attended Woody's and my wedding. Once they closed the now infamous "skunkworks" in the San Fernando Valley, K. never had work in aerospace again. He worked odd jobs, sold things, and was badly injured in an accident. His injuries untreated because he had no health insurance.
He now lives in Death Valley with a long time roommate, in a home they bought for 4000.00 off ebay....Both men never married and are now retiree age and painfully disabled.. these three people have God as their anchor...I never understood their pain, their inability to cope, but I do now. And I am sorry that I failed to reach out to them when they needed me
I have hopes of finding work even still...I haven't given up hope. I too have an anchor that holds me...the understanding that God loves me, and will withhold no good thing from me, I just need to pray, trust, and go forth seeking the will of God... He is the anchor that holds me in the middle of the storms of life, and will be the Steersman that brings me home
Will your anchor hold in the storms of life, When the clouds unfold their wings of strife? When the strong tides lift and the cables strain, Will your anchor drift, or firm remain?
We have an anchor that keeps the soul Steadfast and sure while the billows roll, Fastened to the Rock which cannot move, Grounded firm and deep in the Savior’s love.
It is safely moored, ’twill the storm withstand, For ’tis well secured by the Savior’s hand; And the cables, passed from His heart to mine, Can defy that blast, thro’ strength divine.
My little house on Midway street Bellflower CA, since selling this house in 2001 I feel like I have been a vagabond, living out of a suitcase and a packing box...not finding a place of stability.
....Now we are being asked to begin a journey in which we have become comfortable...
Sometimes I wish God would just... ....stop doing this!...
I have a favorite chair... My furniture fits in this house... My dogs are familiar in this place... I know how to find the things that I lose.... But... here we go again...
Then, Somewhere in the midst of all of all of the mind numbing flurry a remembered whisper
"Your favorite chair can be moved and still be just as comfortable You home is only a home because I Am there.
Where do you think I Am going?
Being known is a matter of connection not time or geography And as for things lost... Aren't they always? When have I failed to find you?"
So... May we begin this adventure. I promise to hold on to you if you will hold onto me Let us give thanks together For God, through Jesus Christ has held us and will hold us forever!
from the unpublished poem "Re Appointment" by Rev Sara Bainbridge, 2009
It seems that many of us are in the midst of change, I hear this from people I meet in the grocery store, and on temporary jobs and interviews. Between the economic changes due to reductions in income, job changes and enviromental shifts... as things deteriorate economically, for example because homes are foreclosed on your block your own house doesn't sell and you lose it and have to move... or a company closes and this has trickle down effects...
Friends of mine are expecting new babies, or are caring for parents with Alzheimer's... Some are taking family members in because they need a home, and others are giving up their homes, because they can no longer afford to live on their own, or cannot manage the home they have for some other reason.
My situation hasnt changed. I had a glimmer of hope that I had finally landed a job... really a dream job. I had had four interviews..passed the credit checks, a man had flown in for Kansas City to interview me and was enthralled at my story of building my jewelry store in the hostile economic climate of Hawaii. For this Jewery Executive it was his dream lived out... He wanted me on his best team... in the store in Fayetteville.
But the sales numbers for May were not up to par and his goal of expanding the sales force to increase the sales from 2 million to 2.35 million in this mall store were not justified. My hire got shot down by the numbers and people above my and Steve the distric manager's paygrade... I was devestated.
So I called my landlord, who is very sympathetic, but this situation is difficult and if I dont have a source of income by this time next month, he is going to put the home back on the market. I gathered that I would be allowed to stay until it sold but then I would need to get out... The problem with this is that I have to keep the utilities on and frankly I cant afford it...if I were working this wouldnt be an issue, but then I would be staying on at the cottage... as it stands I am going to have to be out soon, or employed...
I have temp work for this week. The pay is low but it will fill my tank and pay the phone bill this month. I worked for FREE last week for a day at one of the best transportation firms in the country... their home office is here in Springdale. It was in the Carrier Compliance dept, and I was taking faxes of Certificates of Authority and insurance binders, and updating carrier data. This is very important to keep updated because should coverage be canceled, and they use this carrier by accident and there is an accident, no insurance, and the company is in deep trouble. It was boring and well, not nice work, but I was glad to be there and show them that I was efficient and knowledgeable. While there I was interviewed by two managers who said that should they have a slot I would be considered ... They are still on hiring freeze and will be for 60 days but this gift of helping out was a seed sown. If I could go to work for these folks I could retire at this company...they are that amazingly great. But in the near term I have not too much lined up....
Several housing solutions are still under discussion I know that God will make a way for me. I am going through all of my stuff with ruthless abandon, hopeing and praying that God will send buyers for my things when I have my sale in July. I received a report from Woody that we have a pending offer on our home, I wont see any cash from that but it will be a load off of my credit report... no more late payments on that loan...
In these "moments of maybe", an expression my pastor used this week to describe the what ifs of life... These What should I do's of ordinary time...I sit and wonder. I love my home, but should I fight to keep it...Hasnt fighting gotten me to this place of penury. Pushing God to do what I want? I dont know I wonder sometimes but in truth, I am in this wilderness so I can learn to trust God with ALL of my heart. My friends with spare rooms and open hearts havent forgotten me and neither has God... So I will wait.
Another thing I am pondering. God made me just to love me, and for me to love Him in return. He will with hold no good thing. I must hang on to that as I ponder being in the "midst of maybe" myself... New doors will be opening. I must be ready to cross over the thresholds
Peartree Cottage swathed in Summer Green Bella Vista AR
The empty pulpit First United Methodist Church, Bella Vista AR
"A friend is you needs answered"... Kahlil Gibran
I found this wonderful quote a while back, which I think sums up the feelings of many in my church at the departure of our Pastor and friend, David. We wish him and his family well in their new appointment, and will miss them terribly... A sermon seemed an appropriate send off even though it was written 700 years ago, by one of Italy's great preachers of the day, Blessed Simon Fidati, of Cascia...
"A friend comes to the rescue in time of need,and if he is aware of the truth of friendship, he directs his friend just as if he were himself and puts his own members at his disposal if he has lost his. A true friend is better than a treasure, for he is not vulnerable to thieves and robbers. A friend is a lighted coal, and if placed beside it, it can rekindle a dead one. A true friend gives more attention to friendship than to the person that he is disposed to be friendly. For indeed, the person often disappoints, but the friendship is always the same. If a friend looks on a friend as the highest cause of friendship, he never can bring about a separation, even thought the person's bad behavior had deserved it, but he will wait for an improvement, or when the wrong doing merits it, for a suppression.
A true friend is a vehicle upon which the mind of the other friend invisibly carries, and the friend is carried, and it is remarkable to see how from the two of them there emerge two who carry and two who are carried. Christian friendship, which alone indeed is true, is a glorious crown of good deeds and gives trust in life, a protection and a staff supporting even those who have shown weakness, a sure refuge, a haven from the seas, release from prison, freedom from slavery, an invaluable abode of divine protection, a tower of safety, a vineyard of joy, an ever fertile field, a pleasure garden of consolation, a repository of perfumes, a full storehouse, a apiary of honey... a mirror of brightness and an intellectual vision, a bride by one's side whom the comfort's of life are shared, a pious mother, an obliging attendant, a ready handmaid, a convenient body guard, a favorable bathing place, a spring of living water, an unsleeping guard against evil, prudence in the midst of good...
a bond with life...
Christian friendship is very broad in its generality, for it is extended to all without exception or distinction, and with those with whom one cannot share one's life along the way one hopes rather to achieve this in the fatherland of heaven. One can move in this direction also though certain knowledge and frequent communication or through outstanding virtue, because virtue itself is indeed only another name for that which is the greatest of the virtues, that is love. But what is true friendship if not Christian love? For if true friendship is exchanged between God and us, between human beings and angels, between human beings and human beings, true friendship then is love.
Godspeed my friend, and don't be a stranger.. our eyes already hunger for your face...
1 Peter 5:1-11 Departing Thoughts To A Faithful Shepard
The Outdoor Chapel Mt Sequoyah United Mehodist Conference Center Fayetteville AR
Shepherd the Flock of God
So I exhort the elders among you, as a fellow elder and a witness of the sufferings of Christ, as well as a partaker in the glory that is going to be revealed: shepherd the flock of God that is among you, exercising oversight, not under compulsion, but willingly, as God would have you; not for shameful gain, but eagerly; not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock. And when the chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the unfading crown of glory. Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”
Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you,casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.
Bank Vice President..."Hoku, Im sorry but the fine print in the loan allows us to do what we have to to recover any past due payments, we took what we needed to satisfy the terms of the agreement..."
And with that my future here in Northwest Arkansas has been fast tracked... I heard these words and the amount of money that they took, and realized that I was on borrowed time. I need a miracle, a job and soon. That is a tall order when the official unemployment is 6.5 but really it is thought to be as high at 9.5% because of all of the contracted Walmart labor that has no work and is scratching like everyone else...
It was 5 pm, too late for me to do anything last night. I freaked out went into shock really, sort of like when I realized that my business wasn't going to happen and all of the money sweat and effort that went into that venture out the door. Panic attacks... I went to see Woody and while he was not sympathetic...he wanted half of my savings all along, but still in all he was supportive of my pain, which is serious
I went on to Accountability group where I laid out my problem before the others, it dampened the discussion. I was prayed for and encouraged, but like so often in my life, no one knows quite what to do with Me appreciated all of the praying and words of support...but there is nothing really practical that can be said. I am a month away from homelessness and this gets to people but they aren't sure how to help you.
If I only had a job...any job... I apply and apply and nothing. No call backs, nothing. I feel useless and worthless like all that I have done over the years counts for nothing...
I got home from church and I called everyone, I called my therapist, my friends and emailed my cousin in Houston and my Aunt in Austin. People called me...my Pastor's wife and friend..another friend and Woody who realized that he missed the mark when talking to me and tried to console me...
My therapist called me with some leads one of which was a place called Samaritan House a ministry of Fellowship Bible Church one of the areas largest churches. I called just to see what assistance they might have that would help me. I spoke to a case worker that wanted me to come in and have a meal and talk to someone. So I did.
It was food pantry day and people came in to get food. I told the lady "encourager" that food want really what I needed but she asked me to take it anyway as "this is what they did" so I said yes to that. I was surprised later and the quality of the product I received including hygiene products dish soap and paper goods... they even put in something for Abigail. Since I didn't need the shampoo soaps and ladies supplies, I put them out for the food drive today that a local group was collecting for, and added a few things from my own cabinets since I was so enriched by my visit.
But what I really needed I didn't get which is work. Several people took my card took down what I did and that I needed some work now. I also had a chance to talk to a LCSW about my situation.. her comment was that I had all four of life's most difficult challenges on my plate at that moment, ( They are loss of spouse, loss of home, loss of employment, and loss through death...my Aunt Jean passed away this week I was notified just as I pulled into Samaritan House's driveway)...You should only deal with these issues one at a time one a year for the sake of your health. I have been in suffering and grief for so long that my soul is dried up and damaged I am hurting my health, and hurting those around me. I feel doubld over in emotional and sometimes physical pain. My "bleating" is getting annoying to some, and others, especially those in the workplace who feel guilty or shall I say superior to those of us less fortunate...not realizing that they too can suffer the same fate. Lose you job, burn up your savings and find your self sleeping on cardboard. Lots of that in places like Sacramento, Elkhart and sadly my fair Louisville, where unemployment is not going to improve until they get the Ford plant up and running. I am glad that I am here.
I ate the hot meal and talked at length with the volunteer that sat with me. It was left overs from our local Red Lobster... a really fine meal actually, I enjoyed mine heartily. I have never eaten on a soup line before. It was a strange moment. I was dressed for job hunting and the others being served there would stop and sort of stare at me a moment and then ignore me. I looked very out of place. I realized that this was the reverse of how I reacted years ago to those on the lines of our giant food ministry at Hosanna Calvary Chapel. I wondered how all of those people didnt manange when some how I did...That may be the lesson I am needing to learn right now. That its not always within your control to manage your circumstances. Only God can judge that... I gave thanks for the food and resolved to, as a penetential act for my pride and willfullness, to eat there insted of fast food meals on job hunting days when they are open. It is a wiser use of my funds and the fellowship is something that I need just now. Maybe I can overcome my fears by associating with other overcommers, like the single mom that was at the table next to me... or the seinor couple that lives in their car because they are not quite old enough for Social Security. I saw my mother struggle, and deplored her begging for help... now the shoe is on the other foot and I think this is very good for me to consider...
I felt love all the way throught the process. I spoke to the head of the Counseling division who felt it was a shame I wasnt working took my resume and said hed work on finding me a place even if it was part time. There are other housing arrangements being discussed as of this writing. I am trying to stay in Fourth Day, do not anticipate tomorrow, because it is not here yet...
And so I sit "in the midst of maybe" not sure exactly what to do next, other than pray, wait, and start to let go of things places and people that are precious to me as another big change may be comming my way. Most of all I need to continue in my quest of learing to trust in a loving God that knows what is going to happen to us and lets nothing happen that is not for our good... I can depend on that...
My suitcase at the door of the Larkin residence... Pelham Alabama
Post begun in Birmingham Alabama 2-25-09
It’s late and everyone has gone to their appointed beds. I am in this palatial home in the Pelham District of Birmingham, and under the care of the lovely Luedean Larkin, a local real estate broker. She handled the relocation of my new friends, Ray and Linda to Northwest Arkansas home, when Ray was hired by Wal-Mart. Dispite the latest round of layoffs that relocation seems to have been a very positive one.Fortunately the guy has managed to miss the lay off bullet. No doubt our prayers helped.
I was thinking about making this trip before the passing of Annabelle. She was not ill, but I wasn’t sure where I was going to leave her , that question became moot that morning. I called Linda, who waited till I had gotten the chance to make arrangements for the disposal of the remains, and I had a very important job interview that morning,which I had to go to. Woody was coming over to stay with Bella and chose to drive me to Dr Rose's office, where our cats are cared for. She has service for either cremation or burial or outright disposal...Bella is being cremated and her ashes are going into a tiny box. I have her beautiful Pom Pom for remembrance. Dr Rose is Dr Eric's partner. He was in Little Rock where he had driven in the wee hours of the morning to attend a conference. Did this affect Bella's care. I wondered till I spoke to her breeder who confirms she must have had a Corona (Parvo) type virus which is nearly always fatal and if its not can leave a dog disabled and/or debilitated. I am glad she is not reduced to the status of invalid but is free in whatever doggy heaven God provides to them. She deserves to run free, clean and perfectly groomed under the trees in the grass like she did in Louisville when we lived there jumping into angelic golf carts looking for love and treats. She is smiling down at me and wants me to go on. These ladies I have been surrounded with have loved on me with words of comfort like this, my pastor has contacted me... my cousin and a number of friends have been wonderful.
Woody went in and cleaned up the bloody bathroom, took out her crate, clothes,blankies, toys, beds, threw away her chews and dumped bowls and such, I will run everything that can be kept through an sanitizing wash. I will have the carpets cleaned and such. He said the smell of death (like a meat market after Katrina)permeated the house and now it is aired out. I am grateful to him for doing that. He said the worst moment was going to the trash and seeing the waste and all of the pads that were soiled, "how did she live even as long as she did?" he wondered. I know she was brave to the end, and fought like a trooper.
The job interview went very well and I have a lot of hope that I will get that job. I had really sold myself to the HR lady and she seemed pleased at me, I was interviewed by a VP and three team leaders. Maybe I will get this one. I will have a long drive, nearly 40 miles one way, but I dont care, life must go on and the going takes employment. The people seemed very nice.
Linda and I left for Birmingham about noon its 600 miles... from there to here...I missed the tiny furry traveler that had made the last journeys of this magnitude with me. Linda is a saint, she let me cry on and off, and we shared stories and dreams. She is a survive like myself. Has been through a lot of stuff, she has... She comes from a similar place, and understood the difficult place I find myself in. She says that she doesn't understand how I am still standing up. I don't know either, only God knows
Our journey ended in Leudean's home, where she had food for me and a bed. The next day was a day of work. Linda and Leudean spent the morning going over the contract for the sale of Linda's house. In the afternoon Linda and I went and inspected the house to make sure it was ready for the new owners and then we had an appointment for the closing at Leudeans office.
With some time to kill we had ice cream at Greenwood Drugstore's soda fountain and lunch counter. This was a blast from the past and the ice cream was great too.
Then it was off to the closing. I sat at the far end of the table, and read the days devotions and wrote a long entry in my hand written journal regarding Annabelle's passing. I needed to get it all out and everyday I feel better and better about things. The closing was very sucessful, these people are buying the house and Linda and her husband are financing it, so like my own situation its a win win if you can make the payments.
The next two nights were to be spent at the daughter and son in law of Linda's but because Linda's business was an all day event, it was mutually agreed that we would stay with Leudean another night. After hearing about all of the difficulties Linda has had with her daughter and Grandchildren, I was glad to not have the confrontation. I sank gratefully into that wonderful bed, grateful to God and Leudean for the gift of hospitality. And fell soundly to sleep, amidst the antiques and charcoal portraits of her family.
We journeyed after a leisurely getting up and preparing for the day. Linda has shared with me that her relationship with her daughter has been strained in the past and the conversations she was having on the phone gave me the impression that this was still the case. We got to the daughters home and the kids were fine and things seemed to be going really well... we had a bit of lunch and visited.
But frankly the kids were growing more and more "comfortable" with me, and the situation was deteriorating. I went for a walk and the 5 year old girl "had" to go with me. I didnt mind, but wondered at the wisdom of a mother allowing her daughter to walk all over the neighborhood with a stranger? The little girl was chatty and a bit bossy. Frankly it was wearing. The little boy was a toddler, typical but he threw his bottle at me several times and hit their little dog while he was sitting in my lap and just showed behavior that was demonstrative of a child jealous of attention and wanting his own way.
About 4 pm I lost it. The 15 year old had come home from school and was stimulating the younger kids. Linda was sitting on the couch with me, the kids were pressing around and the 15 year old was acting like one of the little ones, When he made a move to jump on me I had enough. I abruptly got up and left the house and stood outside. I "monsooned" cried my eyes out which I needed to do. I stopped crying and tried to go in. They had locked the door so I couldnt go back inside. The little girl was mad that I didnt giver her money for the ice cream truck. Linda came out and calmed me down and I tried to pull myself together.
I went back inside and sat in the living room with the kids. The kids were watching this hideois cartoon. I had Moe the doggie in my lap and that as OK. His little squeals of pleasure hurt but I stroked him. I over heard Linda and her daughter argueing and it was bout me and the sleeping arrangements. Seems the woman thought that yesterdays efforts were something I controled, not my friend, and that some how I had kept her mother away from visiting her...Sick at heart I got my purse and was headed outside when Linda came down the stairs. I told her it was OK and I would go someplace for the night. Linda graciously took me to a motel and I have a nice little suite for the evening quiet and calm. I am sorry that I couldnt handle it. Like Linda said, "my plate runneth over..." and the timing was bad
We go home in the morning, even with this difficulty today I am so glad to have come here. I have gotten to know Linda better. I have been in a strange situation, that will help me the next time I travel in the company of strangers. I will do better accepting hospitality, and being a gracious guest, which is something I long to do in this age of living room couch sleepovers, and couch surfing travelers...
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