July 27, 2009

Exit Stage Left

Better days Woody and I on the farewell tour of Hawaii Polynesian Cultural Center Laie Oahu Hawaii 2005

...That's not to say that we know nothing about the future, because we do. Before you and I close this book and call it a day, I thought you might want to know how it all turns out. After all, life leaves us in the dark about so many things. When we're little, we think we know what we want to be when we grow up, but when we are grown, many of us no longer have a clue. We walk down the aisle, and make promises "till death do us part..." but God only knows who will part first. Our babies take their first steps across the floor just to get to us, but we have no idea where life will take them. Or if they'll still like us when they get there. We're dianosed with a cronic diseases and coldly told the survival rates, but we have no clue where our numbers fall in those statistics We watch world news and squirm with the fresh realization that a sound mind isn't necessarily a requirement for becomming a world leader. We wonder how in heaven's name some maniac hasnt lost his mind and blown up the planet yet. We blow dry our hair and wonder if we are contributing to global warming. If we live long enough, and stay lugged in enough, we end up asking the same question our parents and grandparents asked: "what's the world coming to?" We shake our heads like no one has any idea. "



From the book " Get Out Of That Pit!" by Beth Moore Thomas Nelson Pub. 2007

Woody left this morning for California. Check in hand for the proceeds of the house. He has a good chunk of change. I wish him well. On saturday I met him at the estate sale people's place. We both received envelopes with tallies. My total was for far less than I had hoped. My heart sank as I looked at the total.I gave up a lot of stuff, good stuff and got pennies on the dollar for it. I had hopes that there would be funds to fix my car and to have Abi spayed, to go to the doctor and to perhaps buy a few new peices of clothing so I dont look like a scarecrow when I interview. Frankly it really doesnt matter. I need what God gives me. I have given it my best shot and now I need to really focus on finding a job and finding a way to care for myself and for Abigail. I also need to gather myself and really set my heart on the things God wants for me above all else.

Woody is ... such a mess. He has had several falls in the last week or so. He looks like he was rolled in a parking lot for his wallet. Black and blue, skinned knees, black eye. He has called me as usual but has had little to say. It is really over now. Even the shouting is done. As we walked away from the place he stopped me and promised he would call as he made the drive so I wouldnt worry.He gave me a cursory peck on the cheek, and walked to his car and drove off. I know he is angry about things, bitter towards me and the drinking is taking a huge toll. Now that I know what to look for...

I stood there for a moment and thought about the losses I have suffered. Woody, Mak and Nani, our home, our life such as it was. But the biggest loss to me is hope. I spent so many years hopeing for better, begging God to help us. Trying to love Woody to figure out how I could be a wife when so many things that a wife normally does to give aid and comfort to her husband were not acceptable to him. I am still at a loss to say why he married me, why he stayed married to me, and what he truly feels or ever felt. It is a mystery and one that will haunt me to the end of my days.

Looking at the empty house a few days ago, remembering the joy of its discovery and my hope that this would be the end of our journey and that we could enjoy a real life together...not perfect but peaceful and content. I know what happened and that it was my discontent that effected the change... Truly I must admit that was and is a good thing. The person that showed me this huge darkness and gapeing hole in my life left me for his new life sometime ago, but just knowing him as a friend showed me that there is more to this life than what I have experienced. He challenged me to let Woody go, to find my joy again, return to ministry and to allow God to deliver me from despair and bitterness... He was right. I live in such a poverty of soul that it frightens me to think much about the past few years. I am hard pressed to think about how I will get out of this mental/spiritual pit, but I am starting to work on that. It is my hope that soon I will be able to look back and see that this was just a dark valley, a time of germanation under the ground...a death that brings forth new life...

And like a play, you have entrances and exits. This play in three acts...act one called California, act two called Hawaii and act three called Arkansas is over... Woody has followed his script and exited stage left...I am sitting alone again, just as I was December 14,1993, in a pool of light on the stage of life, leading worship, working in the trucking business, closer to God than ever... this is how I am reframing my life now. I will do better than survive this time. It is my fondest wish that I find answers to the deepest questions of my life. I will work the Program, and I will strive to get well. I will accept what is, forgive and let go of what can never be, and detach from what I cannot change and is no good for me. Its a long and difficult road ahead...

And so it goes, this is now "the rest of the story"... my story continues on one day at a time.

Labels: California, Cats, Faith, Hawaii, Marriage, Quotable Quotes, Woody

July 13, 2009

The Sundering

The Hale Pau'ana Huakai...The House At the End Of The Long Journey...certainly the place where the journey ended for Woody and I.

Neither of you can return to the house...by the time we are done with the sale no beds or furniture will be left it will all be sold to the bare walls.Both of your items are laid out side by side... It would not be fair to either of you if you came in when we arent here... The lady running our eastate sale pronounced to me...

The house is sold, the insurance company is paying to put a new roof on, and the neighbors have pitched in to help Woody clear away the accumulated grime of the neglect of months...I tried to start on it myself, and found that my grief, my disappointment and frankly overflowing anger and hurt did not allow me to do much... Woody parked on his ass watching golf while I tried to vacum with a wand that was only three feet long... I think he wanted to see me struggle with that so I would be stooped over in a groveling position. We ended up shouting and I heard for the upteenth time that I only am to him the sum of our accumulated wealth...which he has squandered and blames me for the situation we find ourselves in, he had only to look around at our treasures amidsts the filth... the gold amidst the trash... Our dream home, our dream life in ruins, It was never real because you only have life if you make it...living on the largesse of others is not living... You never go anywhere if you dont work for it. It was a life... but I was the only one driving it, and without the help of a partner wanting to go in the same direction, it was bound to crash.

Aloha my Popoki Makoa and KaNani...

If there are two creatures that have suffered through the desperation of our separation and divorce its Mak and Nani. I saw them a few days ago and they were in terrible shape. Overweight, matted and claws so overgrown that they are having surgery in the coming days to fix their feet and relieve the pain. Their new caregiver is their vet, who is going to try to find a good home for them... why dont I take them...because I may very well need to move soon and that could mean couch surfing, living in a small apartment, or living at a friends home. Abigail has a home with her breeder as long as I need to leave her there... Mak and Nani have been astranged from me since 2007 when I broke my foot. They became afraid of me then I worked nights and went to Louisville. They have forgotten I am their mom...the one that took them out of the cardboard box in the Hilo Famer's market, fretted over them and cried for them as we flew from Honolulu to Houston. Now they hiss when I try to go near them, and their mats are so deep that their skin is sore, so petting is unpleasent and hurts them. I know that things will be better for them any place but where they were

I didnt see them off today, as I was working... but I trust that Woody loves them and will do whats right for them...Its all I can do.

My Chinese desk symbolic of my business and my time in Hawaii

I took my things, including this fragile desk and related peices to the estate liquidators who salivated over it. I believe over half of the stuff that I brought here to Peartree was returned to the house for the sale. I filled the space in the house with something else, and its ok. The extra space is good... the money will be good and the letting go of something that will not make another journey intact... very good. My style has changed. My life has changed. A sleeker, more streamlined look, easier to clean and manage is more appropriate for me. The fabrics,patterns, books of my former domestic life, where I danced, made costumes and all of my own clothing has come to an end for now. It needs to be sold while it still has value, and here in quilting sewing heaven it does! All of the equipment I purchased for my aborted business is being looked at by jewelry pros in the area that are game to try at what I have no nerve to do now. I am letting go of that dream so I can change my life for the better. I have a plan now and if I can get a job soon I will be ok... selling this stuff will buy me time to get under way.

I am also letting go... so what is left of ME will stay intact. Woody is an alcoholic he confrims it by his loud denials and running around the neighborhood finding out if I have "talked" behind his back. I know that he is moving on, headed to a couch, and a job in California and that this is God's plan for me. I wish it could be on good terms.

But I fear that this will not be the case. I have yet to meet a drunk that refused help and still cared about his/her confrontor. Either your beloved drunk gets help, or you need to get going. My mother stayed for 30 years with my Dad. She had her reasons, but I am not going to do that and didnt do that. I also dont have to stay defeated either. Yes, I am going to my first meeting tomorrow night, and yes I am going to get well, whatever that means. If it means sleeping on a friends couch for a bit OK. It may mean 30 days at NW Arkansas Womens Shelter, that could be a good experience... If it means moving 1000 miles south I will do that. If it means uncertainty while I wait on God, and learn the true meaning of faith, I am committed to doing that.

I felt torn asunder this past weekend...I think today...thats a good thing. Its a finality that needed to happen. The Sundering, all of us going our separate ways frees me for what God has for me next. Abi and I are waiting, praying and hoping...

The New Journey is just beginning....

Woody in our backyard with my beloved Annabelle when she was three months old two years ago August 2007

Labels: AA, Abigail, Annabelle, Bella Vista, California, Faith, Hawaii, Marriage, Personal Growth, Woody

June 29, 2009

The Anchor That Holds You

the anchor that held me, my newly forming Christian faith nurtured in the hothouse of Hosanna Calvary Chapel Bellflower California

How do we sink into hopelessness? A thousand ways. It can be one terrible event or a cascade of sorrows. We’re knocked off balance, then taken down too far to just get back up. It’s not that you don’t want to climb out of it, it’s that you feel helpless to act, you can’t figure out how to get past a loss, how to get back on top of your life.
Jennifer Hansen
Heart and Soul June 20, 2009

I held the brightly painted cup in my hand, the flowers of spring... tulips, hydrangeas and hyacinths decorated the pretty breakfast bowls and plates. A set of two, for a pair of newlyweds, that never celebrated the intimate breakfast times I envisioned. A wedding gift from a lady I came to know well, a lady I resemble now more than ever... I shed a tear for her, and for all of the lost dreams, as I quickly packed the dishes into the for sale box.

I dont think I ever understood her, as she lived her contrary life, at least to the way of thinking for the rest of the residents of Midway street. Originally from the Northeast she came to California to work in aerospace. She had a lucrative position with McDonald Douglas, and was making six figures...

She took her savings and money from her inheritance and bought tiny house on Midway street. She planted all sorts of growing things, and lived to herself...

One day the job went away, her savings lost in the dot come bust. She was a college grad, but couldn't get a interview..she had made too much money, was too eccentric, hated kids, so no teaching...She borrowed against her house to make needed repairs and to feed herself... months went by, years went by, until the money ran out.

The bank took a long time to foreclose and evict her. She held sales of her family antiques and I bought a few pieces, which I have enjoyed... some I am selling next month in my own sale to help defer my living expenses.

Barbara had no family left and we worried about where she would end up living. My little house had no extra space at 689 square feet. Most of the other had several kids, one had three generations under a small roof...

As we were having the neighborhood meeting, we failed to notice a shadowy figure leave a house that was known to the neighbor kids as the "haunted" house where the scary man lived... the scary man was Robert, once an engineer at Boeing, he had a Bi Polar episode that was so severe he was declared disabled. He gave up his apartment and moved into the desolate house that had stood vacant for the many years after his mother's death. He left the house to ride his bike to the market once in a while, go to the doctor on dial a ride or Barbara would take him...

Tattered and disheveled, he knocked on Barbara's door. The next thing you know Barbara is walking around to the overgrown gate pushing in to flatten the weeds and they went to the back. Behind the house was a large attached semi finished sun room. a small bathroom and outlets for electric were already there and required a touch of work to make them functional. Bob offered her the room, rent and utility free, in exchange for a bit of yard work... She needed a home... He needed the comfort of having a friend...we certainly had shamefully not extended our hands to him, but we did now. We neighbors pitched in, patched the roof, renovated the bootlegged bathroom. I donated fabrics, blankets and a large roll of used carpet that covered the cement slab. Barbara cleared the brush and weeds, and we all took plants from her gardens and transplanted them all over the neighborhood, and in Robert's yards. She also planted a large vegetable garden that helped to feed them both.

Barbara eventually became a perpetual student. She got grants and student jobs that helped to pay tuition and kept gas in her pick up truck. She would pick up part time work in the college library. Truthfully she thrived in the new situation with the release of her house and the academic environment. Robert came out more and joined in the gatherings of the local menfolk on Steve's driveway in the evenings... clean shaven and patched clothing courtesy of Barbara. Like a pair of cranky siblings they shared the house... Ten years later they were still in this arrangement as far as I know.

Barbara had the Anchor of Community to help her beat despair. I had two other friends that at the same time went through similar situations one a friend at Hosanna, who struggled with mental illness, lost her aerospace job and then her home. She became a student, a boarder in one home after another, then she was able to get a few small jobs, and lived alone for a short time. A few months ago she emailed me. Life in California had become too hard financially so she moved to Nebraska, to tend an elderly aunt and lives with her.

Another friend who has had a nearly two decade struggle with employment problems health problems and a very difficult life. We dated on and off for a time...He was brilliant, a former sound engineer with A&M, and RCA, a graphic artist that repaired backdrops for the movie industry, as well as ties to aerospace, which is what he was doing when we were together. He too was hopelessly eccentric, uber conservative ...we'd have verbal knock down drag outs over topics like speaking in tongues, eternal security and previenient grace. We desided we were unequally yoked dispensationally, and remained friends...He actually attended Woody's and my wedding. Once they closed the now infamous "skunkworks" in the San Fernando Valley, K. never had work in aerospace again. He worked odd jobs, sold things, and was badly injured in an accident. His injuries untreated because he had no health insurance.

He now lives in Death Valley with a long time roommate, in a home they bought for 4000.00 off ebay....Both men never married and are now retiree age and painfully disabled.. these three people have God as their anchor...I never understood their pain, their inability to cope, but I do now. And I am sorry that I failed to reach out to them when they needed me

I have hopes of finding work even still...I haven't given up hope. I too have an anchor that holds me...the understanding that God loves me, and will withhold no good thing from me, I just need to pray, trust, and go forth seeking the will of God... He is the anchor that holds me in the middle of the storms of life, and will be the Steersman that brings me home


Will your anchor hold in the storms of life,
When the clouds unfold their wings of strife?
When the strong tides lift and the cables strain,
Will your anchor drift, or firm remain?


We have an anchor that keeps the soul
Steadfast and sure while the billows roll,
Fastened to the Rock which cannot move,
Grounded firm and deep in the Savior’s love.

It is safely moored, ’twill the storm withstand,
For ’tis well secured by the Savior’s hand;
And the cables, passed from His heart to mine,
Can defy that blast, thro’ strength divine.

Priscilla Ow­ens, 1882

Labels: California, Family History, Friends

June 23, 2009

Moments of Maybe

My little house on Midway street Bellflower CA, since selling this house in 2001 I feel like I have been a vagabond, living out of a suitcase and a packing box...not finding a place of stability.

....Now we are being asked
to begin a journey
in which we have become comfortable...

Sometimes I wish God would just...
....stop doing this!...

I have a favorite chair...
My furniture fits in this house...
My dogs are familiar in this place...
I know how to find the things that I lose....
But... here we go again...

Then,
Somewhere
in the midst of all of
all of the mind numbing flurry
a remembered whisper

"Your favorite chair can be moved
and still be just as comfortable
You home is only a home
because I Am there.

Where do you think I Am going?

Being known is a matter of connection
not time or geography
And as for things lost...
Aren't they always?
When have I failed to find you?"

So...
May we begin this adventure.
I promise to hold on to you
if you will hold onto me
Let us give thanks together
For God, through Jesus Christ
has held us and will hold us forever!

from the unpublished poem "Re Appointment"
by Rev Sara Bainbridge, 2009

It seems that many of us are in the midst of change, I hear this from people I meet in the grocery store, and on temporary jobs and interviews. Between the economic changes due to reductions in income, job changes and enviromental shifts... as things deteriorate economically, for example because homes are foreclosed on your block your own house doesn't sell and you lose it and have to move... or a company closes and this has trickle down effects...

Friends of mine are expecting new babies, or are caring for parents with Alzheimer's... Some are taking family members in because they need a home, and others are giving up their homes, because they can no longer afford to live on their own, or cannot manage the home they have for some other reason.

My situation hasnt changed. I had a glimmer of hope that I had finally landed a job... really a dream job. I had had four interviews..passed the credit checks, a man had flown in for Kansas City to interview me and was enthralled at my story of building my jewelry store in the hostile economic climate of Hawaii. For this Jewery Executive it was his dream lived out... He wanted me on his best team... in the store in Fayetteville.

But the sales numbers for May were not up to par and his goal of expanding the sales force to increase the sales from 2 million to 2.35 million in this mall store were not justified. My hire got shot down by the numbers and people above my and Steve the distric manager's paygrade... I was devestated.

So I called my landlord, who is very sympathetic, but this situation is difficult and if I dont have a source of income by this time next month, he is going to put the home back on the market. I gathered that I would be allowed to stay until it sold but then I would need to get out... The problem with this is that I have to keep the utilities on and frankly I cant afford it...if I were working this wouldnt be an issue, but then I would be staying on at the cottage... as it stands I am going to have to be out soon, or employed...

I have temp work for this week. The pay is low but it will fill my tank and pay the phone bill this month. I worked for FREE last week for a day at one of the best transportation firms in the country... their home office is here in Springdale. It was in the Carrier Compliance dept, and I was taking faxes of Certificates of Authority and insurance binders, and updating carrier data. This is very important to keep updated because should coverage be canceled, and they use this carrier by accident and there is an accident, no insurance, and the company is in deep trouble. It was boring and well, not nice work, but I was glad to be there and show them that I was efficient and knowledgeable. While there I was interviewed by two managers who said that should they have a slot I would be considered ... They are still on hiring freeze and will be for 60 days but this gift of helping out was a seed sown. If I could go to work for these folks I could retire at this company...they are that amazingly great. But in the near term I have not too much lined up....

Several housing solutions are still under discussion I know that God will make a way for me. I am going through all of my stuff with ruthless abandon, hopeing and praying that God will send buyers for my things when I have my sale in July. I received a report from Woody that we have a pending offer on our home, I wont see any cash from that but it will be a load off of my credit report... no more late payments on that loan...

In these "moments of maybe", an expression my pastor used this week to describe the what ifs of life... These What should I do's of ordinary time...I sit and wonder. I love my home, but should I fight to keep it...Hasnt fighting gotten me to this place of penury. Pushing God to do what I want? I dont know I wonder sometimes but in truth, I am in this wilderness so I can learn to trust God with ALL of my heart. My friends with spare rooms and open hearts havent forgotten me and neither has God... So I will wait.

Another thing I am pondering. God made me just to love me, and for me to love Him in return. He will with hold no good thing. I must hang on to that as I ponder being in the "midst of maybe" myself... New doors will be opening. I must be ready to cross over the thresholds

Peartree Cottage swathed in Summer Green Bella Vista AR

Labels: Bella Vista, California, Family History, Friends, Pear Tree Cottage, Poem

September 26, 2008

From Sea to Shining Sea~A Blogaversary post

z
Shining Seas North Shore Oahu Hawaii

I have seen my wide blue sea in many moods and in many places in this world. The vastness and everchanging nature of the ocean never ceases to facinate and amaze me. The vast ocean of human experience is like this too and I am constantly amazed at how wonderful and varied humans and the human condition is


.Sea of Dreams near San Destin Florida

I discovered the Internet and bloging in 2003 and found a whole new vista a whole different world and dived right in.Blogging became my passion. I loved sharing my Hawaii and my life with others and making friends along the way. It gives me joy to see a response to a post or to get an email for a more personal message. You have followed my Journey and shared my life and your kind words touch my heart
z


California Dreaming Surfs up at Seal Beach Orange County CAlifornia

And so I begin my sixth year of blogging with a hearty thanks to all who take the time to read these humble scriblings. It is my hope that they give you as much pleasure to read as I get from writing them

God Bless you!


The burning sea Sunset over the Gulf of Mexico Port St. Joe Florida

Labels: Blogging, California, Florida, Hawaii, Traveling

September 01, 2008

The Accidental Shopper

The Walking Plaza on Bellflower Blvd Bellflower California

I got this in an email and laughed out loud. Living in a retirement community gives me the opportunity to know guys who would do a few of these stunts just for a bit of good clean fun...

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........

After Mr. and Mrs. Muehlmann retired, Mrs. Muehlmann insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Muehlmann was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Muehlmann was like most women-she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Muehlmann received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Muehlmann,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Muehlmann are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' And last, but not least

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Regards, WalMart CONFIDENTIAL COMMUNICATION

Labels: California

March 30, 2008

John 20:19-31~ The Mercy in His Wounds

Shining Saints The Stained Glass Windows of the church of St Boniface Anaheim CA

On the evening of that day, the first day of the week, the doors being locked where the disciples were for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them and said to them, “Peace be with you.”When he had said this, he showed them his hands and his side. Then the disciples were glad when they saw the Lord.Jesus said to them again, “Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, even so I am sending you.”And when he had said this, he breathed on them and said to them, “Receive the Holy Spirit.If you forgive the sins of anyone, they are forgiven; if you withhold forgiveness from anyone, it is withheld.”


Jesus and Thomas

Now Thomas, one of the Twelve, called the Twin, [fn3] was not with them when Jesus came.So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord.” But he said to them, “Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe.”

Eight days later, his disciples were inside again, and Thomas was with them. Although the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you.”Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here, and see my hands; and put out your hand, and place it in my side. Do not disbelieve, but believe.”Thomas answered him, “My Lord and my God!”Jesus said to him, “Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”


Now Jesus did many other signs in the presence of the disciples, which are not written in this book;but these are written so that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name.

Labels: California, Catholic, scripture

March 29, 2008

Divine Mercy In My Soul

Ave Maria Lady Chapel at St Boniface church anaheim CA. Our Lady of Czestochowa is the patroness of Poland St Faustina's homeland


Everyday at 0300 and at 1500 EST EWTN broadcasts a 20 minute prayer called the Chaplet of the Divine Mercy. This carries across north America and is part of a worldwide devotion called the "3 o'clock Devotion" In some nations like Poland and the Philippines the prayer is called on nearly all national media outlets and is a part of a daily routine. Nurses all over the world say the prayer for the sick and dying as it is thought to provide special comfort to the afflicted and a means for the dying to "release themselves" into the Hand of the Father. I was praying that prayer at the hour of my Mother's death after a prolonged struggle with Parkinson's diesese.

Over the past three years I have become more and more interested in this devotion and in the life and message of St Faustina. Her diary, and what she wrote therein has startled me. The prophetic passages that predict WWII the Holocaust, (she was an enclosed nun who died in 1938. These passages were written before the rise of Hitler) Her diary predicts the occupation and liberation of Poland and the rise of "a spiritual leader" from that land that will lead the world into a new understanding of Divine Truth. Certainly John Paul II fits that description. The proof of the prophet is fullfillment of the prophecy.

So,who was St Faustina and why is she so important? What is this "feast" about read more here

The Divine Mercy devotion is one of the many many things that has lead me towards the The Roman Church. I see in the devotion a purpose for the suffering all around me. Where in so many churches that I have sat in, suffering is a sign of God's displeasure, in the Catholic church, and within the Divine Mercy devotion suffering is lookd upon as "redemptive" "an offering that you can give up to God". It has helped me to make sense of much of my life and my current struggles...

The Divine Mercy devotion has also refined my veiw of the sufferings of Jesus. Why would God require such a sacrifice from His own child? It is the Ransom of the World, and its power is released in the prayers of the faithful...

This isnt a cure all I am not espousing an end to private prayer, free prayer from the heart, but there is something powerful in people praying the same prayer in the same fashion with the same intent at the same hour every hour of the day around the clock.


Eternal Father, I offer You the Body and Blood, Soul and Divinity of Your dearly beloved Son, Our Lord Jesus Christ, in atonement for our sins and those of the whole world.

For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.repeat 10x

repeat this cycle 5x

Holy God, Holy Mighty One, Holy Immortal One, have mercy on us and on the whole world.repeat 3x

then from the Novena

Most Merciful Jesus, whose very nature it is to have compassion on us and to forgive us, do not look upon our sins, but upon our trust which we place in Your infinite goodness. Receive us all into the abode of Your Most Compassionate Heart, and never let us escape from It. We beg this of You by Your love which unites You to the Father and the Holy Spirit.

Eternal Father, turn Your merciful gaze upon all mankind and especially upon poor sinners, all enfolded in the Most Compassionate Heart of Jesus. For the sake of His Sorrowful Passion show us Your mercy, that we may praise the omnipotence of Your mercy for ever and ever. Amen.

Labels: California, Catholic, Prayers

March 19, 2008

Pange Lingua Gloriosi~ an Easter Hymn

Stained Glass St Boniface Church Anaheim CA

When at length the appointed fullness
Of the sacred time was come
He was sent the world's Creator
From The Father's heavenly home
And was found in human fashion
Offspring of The Virgin's womb

Now the thirty years have ended
Which on earth he willed to see
Willingly he meets His Passion
Born to set His people free
On the cross The Lamb is lifted
There the Sacrifice to be

There the nails and spear He suffered
Vinegar and gall and reed
From His sacred body pierced
Blodd and water forth proceed
Precious flood, which all creation
From the stain of sin hath freed

Venantius Fortunatius
530-609 AD

Labels: California, Catholic, Poem, Prayers

February 17, 2008

Psalm 1~He is like a tree...

Flowing Stream Descanso Gardens

The Way of the Righteous and the Wicked


Blessed is the man
who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,
nor stands in the way of sinners,
nor sits in the seat of scoffers;
but his delight is in the law of the Lord,
and on his law he meditates day and night.

He is like a tree...

that yields its fruit in its season,
and its leaf does not wither.
In all that he does, he prospers.
The wicked are not so,
but are like chaff that the wind drives away.

Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous;
for the Lord knows the way of the righteous,
but the way of the wicked will perish.

Labels: California, scripture

February 09, 2008

Family Values

Beautiful Double Camellia Descanso Gardens La Canada Flintridge

Family Values
Post started 2-9-2008
Aboard American Airlines Flight 3347

Over half of the people in America die without a will
Over 90 percent of people have no long term care plan in place
Most people over 80 need some assistance with regards to daily decisions but 25 percent of them live alone with no assistance from family or spouse
There are 50 violent crimes against the elderly in Orange Co every week
If you leave an aging relative on their own without assistance due to negligence it is a misdemenour in California punishable with prison time. It is considered the same as child abuse.

"Aunt Jean, you need to think about coming to live near us… we would have days like this and there are plenty of nice homes and apartments to choose from. Didn’t we have a wonderful day today? You have gotten your money’s worth out of this trailer. It is falling apart, and isn’t safe anymore. To top that off they are robbing you on the space rent 900.00 is horrible and they are raising it too. 1200.00 a month…it’s a sin! Worse, Disney wants this land bad, its right next to the park and if the owners get their price, every trailer in this park will have to move, and yours is in such bad shape, it cant be moved. One good earthquake and its done for…

This is the only place I know, Hoku. You and Woody like it there but I don’t know if I would like it there. California is all I know

You would, the people are nice and there is plenty to see and do. I could take you round and help you…

My neighbors help me well enough…

Aunt Jean, your neighbors have been wonderful, but they are illegal aliens. You let them drive you to the store, to the doctor and they have no license, no insurance, and no green card. They don’t speak English well enough to help you. Please take your ID whenever you go out so if they get picked up, you can prove who you are. If you cant you could be deported along with them, and I cant do a thing about it. If you have a heart attack they might not call 9-11 because they don’t want to talk to the police get deported. Please consider it. Please give us the name of your doctor, and your lawyer…We need to make sure that arrangements

Please give me the chance to be as your daughter in this situation…"

She said no to everything. The trailer is unsafe and unsanitary with half of the plumbing not working right. She got the heat fixed this year but the electrical is scary and does not always work. The stove works haphazardly and oven is broken, and she wont accept meals on wheels because people have to come to her house… she doesn’t own a microwave and eats a lot of things cold or raw. The neighbors feed her as well… All home cooked foods that are traditional Mexican cooking full of fat that will cause her health to deteriorate, as she has had quadruple bypass, an aortic valve replacement and most recently a stent into one artery . Other than these things she is spry and with it mentally, only having some confusion about medical bills , which confuse the soundest of minds as you sort the various charges out...


It’s a wonder that the Mexican people next door were able to help her the way they did. Jean had a heart attack last month and her doctor wouldn’t release her to stay alone, so she stayed with one family for 19 days. She got a huge education in Third World life. The kids translated and they used sign language…but I know that her doctor would help us to move her closer to us and the family that has been so gracious wants to see her looked after.

But the same environment that allows these two families their illegal anonymity is very dangerous for a frail old lady, who some people might think is rich, due to her European bred manners and tall tales. They might break into her home thinking she has money or jewelry stashed away. In their disappointment they will hurt her, if not physically, then emotionally as they violate her privacy and tear up her home in search of non-existent valuables. The owners of the park have cut off the outside lighting and are no longer repairing the security fence. This area of Anaheim is known as the Disney Resort Area but the park is tucked away in a back alley and the police cars drive by and never pull in. It is a high priced slum where the trailers are full, two and three families in tiny single wides. It is the only afordable housing in this area, yet it is filled with enough crime that the daughters of Aunt Jean's friends are not allowed to walk uneascorted... Even around our timeshare, just a stones throw away from the trailer park, there were police and incidents requiring the police day and night. It frightens me to think she is alone there day in and out.

Other family members have not been in her home to my knowledge. Her other cousin, Betty Grace has not physically seen her in 50 years. She is 75, and in poor health and resides with a son in Bend Oregon. I have only seen Aunt Jean a handful of times in my life and never was invited into her home. I had no idea what to expect and I did give a report to Betty Grace by phone this week with regards to the situation and the condition of Jean’s living space

I was pleasantly surprised to see the order she keeps her home in. Things are not clean, thought she dusted for our coming, but everything is put somewhere, and if you didn’t know what you were looking at you would think she just has a thing for dust covers. I know differently. If you will remember my post about the death of her husband Peter , I Will Be True To The Promise I Have Made you know that this lady has made huge strides in dealing with her acute mental illness. She was Paranoid Schizophrenic, with a huge Obsessive Compulsive component for much of her life. Because I know this I know what to look for… Truth is she has covers over things because she is paranoid and is hiding her possessions. She covers up the radio and tv, and has piles and piles of stuff on her bed, all wrapped in plastic. She is paranoid about running out of paper goods and could stock the park with paper towels and TP for a year. While she is doing better about hording, (she recently with the help of Maria and Nery her neighbor ladies) she disposed of all of Peters clothing and “stuff”. She felt it was wrong to keep things that others can use. Maria told me that she is restraining her from buying more paper goods and is helping little by little to clear out the stuff, one plastic wrapped package at a time. Jean agreed that she should do this and as we talked about her moving, she said frankly she could do without most of her stuff and is sorting things out.

There will come a time soon when she wont be able to stay there. Who wil call me? No one knows that I am related to her, she is my second cousin, and how do I go about establishing this? I will need a lawyer and a whole lot of paitence. Woody tried for an hour to get her to give us the name and number of her cardiologist and her lawyer. We did find out where Peter is buried and will try to figure out what we can do long distance to make arrangements in advance. I dont dont know what I can do but I shall try to do what I can...

For her sake and the sake of a 4 year old little boy that she and her parents took into their home and raised, my father, I promise that I will not give up...


Seal Beach California

Labels: California, Faith, Family History, flowers

February 08, 2008

Familiar Places

Main Steet Bellflower CA. The City that was my home before we left on The Journey to Hawaii. The shopping district is in the process of redevelopement, Johnsons Jewelers my mentors and friends have been here since 1947 and is the business longest in one location in the city. The Downtown area is dominated by the 1920 Art Deco theater that runs the entire city block and seats 1500 people. Closed in 1970, it was purchased at tax auction in 1983 by a native son and restored to its roaring twenties splendor. In 1985 it reopened as the home of Hosanna Calvary Chapel, and that native son is still its seinor pastor. It was my spiritual "West Point" and a place where I fufilled my dreams of becoming a working professional vocalist



This week is a time for me to really put the past to rest. It all started with a call from my Aunt Jean months ago that showed us that we needed to take the time before I started school in Louisville, and go to California to see Aunt Jean. She is 88 and in poor health, but doing OK and I am glad of it. She is frail but sharp, and full of stories to tell. But this is the story she seems to need to tell me the most

“Let me tell you about your Father, Hoku…I loved Bobby, he was like my kid brother. My parents were evil people, and were very unkind to both of us. But I must say we had good food and we were dressed beautifully, and went to school. But they were hateful, and did it out of duty and not love. That was the sad thing. You father only wanted to be loved and respected. That’s what we all want I think… He loved your mother and he loved you. I know because he told me so and don’t you forget it…"

Woody and I have been spending a lot of time with her, but also attempting get in touch with friends we haven’t seen in ages. We went to church with Ed and Helen, the folks that encouraged us to move to Arkansas. John has all of his golfing/school friends and I have places I needed to go and see.

Waiting to worship, Calvary Chapel Long Beach CA


When we went to Calvary Chapel Long Beach last year the pastor there made a point to ask me for forgiveness, in the name of all of the Calvary Chapel Churches, for all of the wrongs committed against me by the church. This practice is becoming more common as there is recognition that people have been hurt by the dictatorial decisions made by a few people that had issues of their own, usually the pastors. Since then, I have felt a steady sense of healing. I can sing the old songs again with gladness, We often sing Pastor Chuck Smith’s theme song “Spirit Song” as a Gathering Song at the Methodist Church we attend. I often see Pastor David’s compassionate face looking at me as we sing….

Oh, let the Son of God enfold you, in the Spirit of His Love
Let Him fill you heart and satisfy your soul
Oh, let Him have the things that hold you, and His Spirit, like a dove
Will descend upon your life and make you whole

Jesus, Oh Jesus, come and fill Your lambs
Jesus, Oh Jesus, come and fill Your lambs

I no longer feel the knife twist of pain in my heart for lost friends lost dreams lost relationships

The front lobby of Hosanna Chapel, Coffee shop next door and Marquee above. The interior lobby has space for about 350 people to visit easily, The coffee shop known as the Java Oasis, was one of the first that we know of in a church and was installed in 1989. The tower in the back ground is the structure that rises above the stage and would have supported the use of curtains, projection screens, and backdrops. We had a shell permanantly installed for sound projection.


I couldn’t do it last time but this time I went to Hosanna Chapel, the Calvary Chapel that did me wrong and sat before the huge converted theatre in the heart of Bellflower, and tried to feel…something…I don’t feel much else but loss and as sort of “dried up” feeling. I owe them a lot. I wouldn’t be here today if it were not for them. Like my parents who did a lot of things that weren’t so hot, this body of believers was a loving home for me for many years, and nurtured me into a strong well taught Christian.

I have moved on. And I am very glad. I no longer dwell on that past that so hurt me and I feel so very good about it.

My Little House that owned prior to my move to Hawaii, looking very spiffy in a fresh coat of paint porch rails and a new and muchly needed roof! I noticed that they have coverted the shed that was as big as the house into a separate dwelling.


I found that true as I drove past the homes that I used to own and saw places that I frequented, and stopped and ate at resturants that were fixtures in my life. Places like Johnson’s Jewelers, where I was given the family welcome and discussed the opening of my new trade shop. They were very excited for us and want to be there as cunsultants and guides as we set up and get started… Some of the people that I thought to look up I said to myself… “No let them go, you have a new life a new faith…never more apparent than today Ash Wednesday , with the holy mark on my forehead that I wore proudly all day. I failed to try to call on my brother, or anyone else from the past but Ed and Helen. Woody was not able to see anyone but his friend Al and his wife Yolie. I looked into faces and at the surroundings and more than once felt like the seven years that have passed since I lived here, were a dream and that as the evenings wore on that I would drive into Bellflower and up the drive to my tiny clapboard house that I cherished and found a home in. Woody found himself thinking a lot about his mother and a life lived well. He says he has no regrets moving to Arkansas and is looking to the future now rather than towards the past

One day the streets of Rogers, Springdale and Fayetteville will be as familiar to me as Buena Park, Whittier and Los Angeles. While I miss some of the places we visited this week like Descanso Gardens, Little India and Seal Beach very much. I too have no regrets as I am steadily surely heading towards a new future with more adventures straight ahead

The Place of my spiritual birth Seal Beach California

Labels: California, Faith, Family History, Traveling

February 07, 2008

May Perpetual Light Shine On Them

Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust...Me pouring handfulls of soil into my Mother's grave. Fir Lawn, Rose Hills, Whittier California

…O loving God…I pray You welcome my deceased parents into heaven. Forgive them their sins, and reward them Your goodness, provided by Your grace alone. Grant that I may be with them again in Your Peaceful presence, Amen….

Today was a day that I have longed for and dreaded. For a person that is used to constant upset rather than a workable relationship, this day is a milestone, a period, and ending that signals a new beginning….

In November I received a call from the mortuary that handled my mother’s arrangements when she died in September of 2006. The lady said that a dreadful mistake had happened and that my mother’s cremated remains were never interred. They had been sitting on a shelf in a stock room all of this time. This was due to a number of issues, that involved some missing documentation, my brother’s unwillingness to return phone calls or contact me, and the unfortunate sale and resale of the firm that was handling or rather not handling this situation. A wonderful young lady took the bull by the horns and called me. Throwing herself and her company (mortuaries have been sued for less than this) on my mercy they told me the story. I agreed that a lawyer was not the answer but rather getting to the bottom of the situation was. The mortuary rolled out the red carpet, setting up the internment and covering all of the expenses for that.

One of the issues was that my mother was to be placed in the same grave that my father is in but no documentation was signed to this affect. I got that all cleared up. Legally my brother should have some say on this but after again trying to contact him,. I was awarded sole rights to have her buried according to my dictates, and I signed all of the documentation. I arranged to have a committal service for myself and Woody and the lady that assisted me through this process three months ago. I also said I would tell no one in the family and didn’t. I didn’t want anyone to feel badly or think that they should have followed up ect…

I also wanted to handle her committal myself. I called no clergy and asked no one’s advice. I wrote a short prayer service based on the Lux Aeterna prayers adding some scripture readings and prayers that I wrote that would end a Holy Souls Novena that I had been praying for 8 days. Woody and Delaine followed along and the Latino workmen who came to assist said the responses in accented English which I thought was a wonderful counterpoint and reminder of my mother’s love for the people of Latin America, and the Spanish language. After a series of prayers, the Lords prayer (in English and Spanish) a prayer asking for help from my new mother Mary, and my new sister Edith Stein, I prayed the Lux Aeterna

Eternal Rest grant unto them , O Lord
And let Perpetual Light shine upon them

And closed with

Incline thine ear, O Lord, unto our prayers
Wherein we humbly pray Thee to show
Thy mercy unto Thy servant Catherine
whom Thou hast commanded to pass out of this world
That Thou wouldst place her in the region of peace and light
And bid her be partaker with Thy Saints
Through Christ Our Lord
Amen

The young men asked me if I wanted to pour some soil into the small hole where the gilded container was being placed. The box of ashes was sealed inside and secure. I stood upon my father's grave and looked down into our mutual future...I poured handful after handful in and it felt like I was pouring my old self into that hole. All of the hurt and misunderstanding is in there. The flesh and its pain filled journey is now ended. I am alone in truth and answer to God and to Woody .


That done and over with , I have decided that I will now do my best to forgive and forget. Woody and I agreed that our parents are gone and all of that pain is best forgiven and forgotten. Life goes on and we need to focus on new challenges presenting themselves.

There was a bank account that I was not able to get closed up and it was a nousense thing too. But it is all worked out. The account had about 650.00 in it and I gave the money to Woody, he’s paid for nearly the whole trip. I know that he was glad to get it. I am sorry that I was not able to give it to the lady that helped my mother so much, but we used money we really didn’t have to get out here to get the account closed. I am just glad that is over and done with.

My parents are at rest now. My nearly 46 years of life and dealing with them are done. Again it’s a matter of turning the page, and being willing to forgive them, other members of my misguided family and mostly myself.

Have mercy on me
Dearest Lord,
Your Holy Face
Is my desire
Grant me peace
And my loved ones
Perpetual rest in You
For they loved You
In their own way.
Help me to move forward
Into a new and better understanding
For you are my Father
Your Son is my Brother
Mary the mother of Your Son,
Is now my only Mother…


Place of Rest Rose Hills Memorial Park Whittier CA

Labels: California, Faith, Family History, Traveling

February 05, 2008

Ranch of Rest

Shaded pathways, Descanso Gardens LaCanada Flintridge California


This is a place in Los Angeles that I dream about...From the time I could drive this patch of heaven on earth has been a part of my home just slightly detached from the rest. I would come and enter a different world, one filled with peace and life. The smell of the city would fade away and be replaced with the green smells of cedars and green plants. Often I would go early in the day and the little valley would be filled with mist that would burn off by noon into glorious sunshine.

water garden in the summer this smells of lotus flowers that grow in abundance


El Rancho del Descanso, the Ranch of Rest has a very interesting history, read here Manchester Boddy came to California with hardly any money, and a young growing family to support. He began to write for a local paper eventually founding his own highly sucessful daily paper. A survivor of the gassings of WWI he was a pacifist and outspoken supporter of the isolationist ideal during the 20's and 30's. His Newspaper the heavely read Los Angeles Daily News was the liberal journal of its day, and Boddy was its outspoken editor for nearly 30 years.

His home in the San Gabriel Foothills, on 150 acres of virgin California Black oaks was a haven against the social and political swirl of the day. He built a 22 room Mansion above the oak forest with sweeping views of the wooded vally below. It became a place of renown as Boddy and his gracious wife entertained the elite of the LA Political Scene, during the city's golden age. Movie Stars and Business Tycoons flocked to the Ranch of Rest, for the hospitality and serene atmosphere.

An Amature botinist and plant breeder, Boddy's championship rose gardens were exceptional. He hired noted plant breeders to work for him, and a number of famous roses (Chrysler Imperial, Mr. Lincoln and Tropicana among others) were bred there.


Spanish Oaks Descanso Gardenso


But Descanso is most famous for its camellia forest. Boddy himself was a camellia fancier and breeder and worked with a number of Japanese nurserymen in the 1930's. The enviroment under the shade of the oak trees combined with the soils nurished by the oaks decaying leaves provides the perfect enviroment to grow exceptional camellias. Boddy planted thousands of varieties. Later as the Japanese Internment was inforced, Boddy bought his friends nursery stock and had more acerage planted, so that currently Descanso Gardens has the largest Camellia specimine gardens outside of Asia. Today, the late winter forest comes alive with color as the camellia's bloom again. It is a fantastic sight.

Camellia Blossom


Years later the property was sold to the county and many improvements made. Many Thousands come every year to relax learn and just be free of the hassles of life. It is one of the gems of Los Angeles County and place I will visit everytime I come back to California

The sundial garden, where Woody proposed for the umpteenth time and I accepted under the pair of gingko trees in the foreground. This place is filled with my young life's memories


This week Woody and I needed this rest. We were only able to spend a few hours there, as we had other commitments. But we had lunch in the cafe at the garden gate, and took a walk among the beautiful trees and plants. The air is sweet filled with the scents of plants and the sharp smell of decaying oak leaves


Formal garden at the Main House Descanso Gardens La Canada Flintridge California

Labels: California, Family History, flowers, Traveling, Woody