May 10, 2010

All of the News

A Dogwood Cloud Bella Vista AR

Again one thousand pardons for the long silence. My life is full Full Full Full and that is a very good thing. I also chose to take a sort of fast on all things computer including Facebook and blogging, and realize just how much time I have been investing in these past times… I also haven’t been watching as much tv either preferring to read and crochet in my spare time….But… All is well in 100 Acre Wood, and I will try to catch you all up on all of the news…

First I have posted some back posts on my Reception into the Catholic Church. I feel very different. When I think about the emptiness in my heart I try to remember that God not only resides within me spiritually but now physically in the form of the Blessed Sacrament. There are still some very hard times…as you will read but there are so many more good times that I just cant begin to count and I am so very grateful to God for this change in my life. I still have dark moments times when I feel like there is this oppressive darkness overshadowing me. I realize that I have to have time to do the grieving of a lifetime. It just takes time

Just before Easter I had a physical challenge unlike anything I have experienced in my life. As you might remember my teeth are really my great physical weakness. I am always having issues with them and with not having insurance it makes it very difficult to deal with. My dentist has been very kind, often seeing me for no charge or a very reduced fee. Two years ago before I left for Louisville I had a bunch of dental work done, one tooth was decayed up into the roots, the dentist cleaned it out and filled it and all seemed well with it, until it started bothering me around Christmas time. I went to see the dentist and we didn’t see anything.

Well the rotten tooth reared its ugly head and roared! I woke up one morning to the worst pain I have ever felt in my life… a screaming twisting pain that came in waves and left me feeling like I was going to have a heart attack. I got to the dentist that day. By the time I got into the dentist to see him I was swollen up from the top of my scalp clear down my left side of my face to my shoulders. My temperature was 103. The x rays showed the decay was back and that the whole tooth was infected, as was my jaw and all of the glands in the region. I was very very ill,… falling down ill for the first day or so. He prescribed antibiotics and Vicodin for the pain. He wanted me to stay home in bed, However I dragged myself to work every night, dosed myself on heavy drugs and kept on. The Antibiotics did their work and I had the tooth pulled a week later. It couldn’t be done any sooner because disturbing it would have sent infection up into my brain. My brain was already infected and had I had insurance I would have been hospitalized. My head was throbbing constantly and eating was impossible without feeling like I was going to just cave from the pain…

Finally I called in and arranged to have the surgery done. I had been on antibiotics for 5 days and the dentist thought that it would be ok to go ahead and pull it. He numbed me up but it still felt like my face exploded when he pulled it out. After the initial shock of it all, I was amazed at how much relief I felt once the tooth was pulled out, there was copious bleeding, but that let up in a few hours and the swelling and pain subsided right away. After months of discomfort and at times downright misery the relief was a Godsend. Its been good to be able to eat hot and cold things again and my diet is improving now. Cold fruits and salads no longer kill me, and hopefully my weight will start to drop again.

Work has been going very well. I still have a lot to learn but the managers are very kind and they praise me for my diligence and attention… The drivers love me and call in sometimes just to talk. I feel for these men and women. They are the backbone of this country and the most forgotten necessary workers we have in our economy. Like our soldiers, they are away from home for long periods of time. They are lonely sad and tired. Many have chosen this life as a last resort. I know two men who came to this occupation from homelessness. The truck provided work and a place to sleep at night. My heart goes out to them, when they say how they need to get home…their wives and children need to see them. I agree, but this is a trucker’s lot. I treat them like the soldiers that they are. I remind them that they chose this life and I try to find out where they are from. And quickly look up the unemployment figures for their town. Of ten just the reminder of the horrible job market where they came from is enough to get them to count their blessings and go forward. It certainly is enough for me, this small daily reminder. I count my blessings every day thanking God and my employer for my job.


I have finalized a lot of things. I had my court appearance for my Bankruptcy and it was approved. The Trustee had a few questions about my business and my timeshares in Florida that I am giving back to the Owners Association. All was well and he was satisfied with the presentation. I still have to take the on line finance course and it will discharge in July. It’s a relief to have this off of my back.

With my confirmation I am looking for ways to integrate with my new church. I go to Mass on Saturday evenings, and on Sunday mornings if I work the day before…My Saturday shift is once every four weeks and is grueling, so often I don’t even get up to get to Mass. Its excused as often I am so weary I am wobbling from fatigue. I keep the Sabbath and stay home with Abigail. Monsignor Scott is very supportive and is just glad that I seem to be so happy about my decision and I am.

He has a project that he wants me to work on and that is to prepare to tell my conversion story to the next RCIA class. Because they meet at night and I work at night we have thought about doing this by video recording in the talk show news magazine style a la The Journey Home, a show that runs on EWTN weekly that tells conversion stories with a call in question and answer format. We wont have an audience but I can trust that Msgr will have some good questions. I don’t know when I will do this but I thought that I would start working on the scripting as I can

I have also injected a creative venue into my life that is very new and a great opportunity. I have wanted to learn to crochet. I have wanted to do this for a long time, but never really just taken the plunge and tried it. So in January I bought some yarn and a book and gave it a whirl. Not so hot… Well on my way to the lawyers office I saw this place called the Crafty Cottage. They offer all sorts of crafts, knitting, crocheting, leather and pottery work, sewing and quilting. I called and got set up with a private instructor, a wonderful young mother named Tammy, who is patient and sweet and great at showing me the basics and allowing me the chance to make mistakes and learn. Its taking me time to learn. I missed a few weeks and found that I had forgotten much of what I had learned. She said “never mind!” and we started up again. Its my hope that we will get to a place where I can follow a pattern and make things for the holidays. I started by making a not quite round bright yellow ball for Abi which she loves… she also loves the balls of yarn and enjoys watching me crochet and wants to “help”. She really likes to sneek into my bag and fish out the spare balls of practice yarn and run about with them . This studio has all sorts of opportunities for me to try new things and I intend to take advantage as I have time.

Speaking of Abigail she has had some changes too. She was having lots of issues with her skin and coat, her pretty hair matting into a tease that my big hair girl friends would envy. She looked fat from the knots, and was becoming afraid of me, because when I would pet her I would try to pick at least one knot out. I was brushing, trimming, spraying no tangle stuff on her to no avail. Finally I had her shaved…to the skin. Just her pretty tail and top knot are left….Once she was freed from the mass of hair she was…tiny…maybe even underweight, and she became an even more outgoing, cuddly, loving dog. Everyone around me has noticed the change in her. She enjoys her walks more and I think is not so hot from trapped body heat. Its been almost 6 weeks since her “makeover” and the new growth is curly so she looks and feels like a little lamb, very soft and sweet…I will let the fur grow longer in the winter but I will likely not keep her in full coat again. Its just so time consuming to keep her grooming up that way and my little “wash and wear” doggie is a delight. I no longer worry if she wants to get in the mud, or if its wet out we just go walking and we go further and have more fun. If shes too dirty I take her in the shower with me once we get home from our walking trip…easy… She seems pleased with the change, though I got the distinct impression that she felt “nekked” for the first few days.

The beauty of this spring time has made my evening drives to work pleasant. Flowers and flowering trees are blooming everywhere. I have gotten the urge to plant things and have a few flower pots in my front yard. My drives to work and church are lovely pastoral journeys, that make me calm and only add to the feeling that life is very good. I have repaired my van, and when I have the time later on this summer, I hope to take road trips around the area and see things that I haven’t seen yet…

There is a fullness, a contentedness that I have not had before and I love this time I have for myself It is bliss and I am so happy about it .

Was it worth the long wait as I was job hunting?…yes. Like my pastor friend said “ When God closes one door He opens another…its just hell in the hallway…” and yes it was…But the worse days are behind me, the gentle successes is easing the lines off of my face and the soreness out of my heart. Life is good, very good at Peartree Cottage. Thank you for your prayers… they have been answered

Labels: Abigail, Bella Vista, working

December 20, 2009

Move That Stone

Ancient Stones Tanyard Creek Nature Trail Bella Vista AR

A man named Lazarus was sick. He lived in Bethany with his sisters, Mary and Martha. This is the Mary who poured the expensive perfume on the Lord's feet and wiped them with her hair. Her brother, Lazarus, was sick. So the two sisters sent a message to Jesus telling him, "Lord, the one you love is very sick."
But when Jesus heard about it he said, "Lazarus's sickness will not end in death. No, it is for the glory of God. I, the Son of God, will receive glory from this." Although Jesus loved Martha, Mary, and Lazarus, he stayed where he was for the next two days and did not go to them. Finally after two days, he said to his disciples, "Let's go to Judea again."
But his disciples objected. "Teacher," they said, "only a few days ago the Jewish leaders in Judea were trying to kill you. Are you going there again?"
Jesus replied, "There are twelve hours of daylight every day. As long as it is light, people can walk safely. They can see because they have the light of this world. Only at night is there danger of stumbling because there is no light." Then he said, "Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep, but now I will go and wake him up."
The disciples said, "Lord, if he is sleeping, that means he is getting better!" They thought Jesus meant Lazarus was having a good night's rest, but Jesus meant Lazarus had died.
Then he told them plainly, "Lazarus is dead. And for your sake, I am glad I wasn't there, because this will give you another opportunity to believe in me. Come, let's go see him."
Thomas, nicknamed the Twin, said to his fellow disciples, "Let's go, too-and die with Jesus."
When Jesus arrived at Bethany, he was told that Lazarus had already been in his grave for four days. Bethany was only a few miles down the road from Jerusalem, and many of the people had come to pay their respects and console Martha and Mary on their loss. When Martha got word that Jesus was coming, she went to meet him. But Mary stayed at home. Martha said to Jesus, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But even now I know that God will give you whatever you ask."
Jesus told her, "Your brother will rise again."
"Yes," Martha said, "when everyone else rises, on resurrection day."
Jesus told her, "I am the resurrection and the life. Those who believe in me, even though they die like everyone else, will live again. They are given eternal life for believing in me and will never perish. Do you believe this, Martha?"
"Yes, Lord," she told him. "I have always believed you are the Messiah, the Son of God, the one who has come into the world from God." Then she left him and returned to Mary. She called Mary aside from the mourners and told her, "The Teacher is here and wants to see you." So Mary immediately went to him.
Now Jesus had stayed outside the village, at the place where Martha met him. When the people who were at the house trying to console Mary saw her leave so hastily, they assumed she was going to Lazarus's grave to weep. So they followed her there. When Mary arrived and saw Jesus, she fell down at his feet and said, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."
When Jesus saw her weeping and saw the other people wailing with her, he was moved with indignation and was deeply troubled. "Where have you put him?" he asked them.
They told him, "Lord, come and see." Then Jesus wept. The people who were standing nearby said, "See how much he loved him." But some said, "This man healed a blind man. Why couldn't he keep Lazarus from dying?"

And again Jesus was deeply troubled. Then they came to the grave. It was a cave with a stone rolled across its entrance. "Roll the stone aside," Jesus told them.
But Martha, the dead man's sister, said, "Lord, by now the smell will be terrible because he has been dead for four days."
Jesus responded, "Didn't I tell you that you will see God's glory if you believe?" So they rolled the stone aside. Then Jesus looked up to heaven and said, "Father, thank you for hearing me. You always hear me, but I said it out loud for the sake of all these people standing here, so they will believe you sent me." Then Jesus shouted, "Lazarus, come out!" And Lazarus came out, bound in graveclothes, his face wrapped in a headcloth. Jesus told them, "Unwrap him and let him go!"
John 11:1-44 NLT

We have to willing to move the stone that is coming between yus and the work that God wants to do in our lives. There is a risk that there might be unplesentness, but in the end Gods creative work will out shine and overwelm anything we have to endure. May God give us the strength to endure, and faith to persevere to the good end...

With thanks to Msgr Scott...thanks I needed that

Labels: Bella Vista, Faith, Scenic Arkansas, scripture

November 25, 2009

Indian Summer

my view of my "back forty" and Hawksnest Ravine..Peartree Cottage Metfield Bella Vista Ar

Lord,
You take care of the earth

and send rain

to help the soil

grow all kinds of crops.

Your rivers never run dry,

and you prepare the earth

to produce much grain.

You water all of its fields

and level the lumpy ground.

You send showers of rain

to soften the soil

and help the plants sprout.

Wherever your footsteps

touch the earth,

a rich harvest is gathered.

from Psalm 65

It was a beautiful "Indian Summer", for us in the Ozarks. Much of the time, October and November was warm and sunny with some of the most beautiful autumn leaves the locals can remember. The mild temperatures allowed for people to get out to the local craft fairs and harvest gatherings. I found myself drawn out to the bench to spend time in prayer before going into work... But as the month draws to a close and Thanksgiving time is here its cooled off and we may even have some snow flurries in the next few days...We are staying inside mmore and more our of the damp and chill in the mornings

We are doing fine. Im sorry for the long time between posts, but my life is somewhat ruetine, hard to talk about, and my hands are killing me from my Carpal Tunnel, so typing is very difficult...and frankly, most evenings I just want to sit in the quiet of my house with my doggie and my prayer book and be still for a bit, and not even try to think about anything

I can hardly believe it but friday ends my 10th week at Walmart.com. all of the hard work and training is about to be put to the test as we enter the notorious "Black Friday" on 11-27 (called black friday because this national day of shopping is the first day for many retailers that they show a profit or "go into the black" for the year. Not so for Walmart, but that is another story. The company has got a no holds barred approach to this years sales and we expect orders to 5 to 8 times higher than on an avarage day. Already there is a push higher and I have been working 10-12 hour days. Black friday will be an 18 hour day as well as its sister "Cyber Monday" the biggest internet shopping day, on 11-30. If you want a deal on electronic stuff this will be the day. The flat screen tvs are so cheap stores are buying them to resell in their stores...thats cheap.

Through it all there has been much testing of my faith. I went into this thinking that maybe this is it...I will get to stay here and work. Its a good job, I am close to home and its casual dress. People are very kind, even my brash young supervisor, who many people find annoying I see his good heart, and we all had to grow up at our own pace. He has been long suffering with me as well...

But the truth is, its likely that once the Christmas rush is over, I will be thanked and sent on my way. I am looking diligently for another position, and can apply at Walmart now and will. But I think it is going to be a long cold winter for me and I need to prepare for it. Im saving every dime of over time and paying utility bills and my car insurance ahead. I cant have a savings account as I am going to try to get on public assistance again once this job is over...I also should qualify for unemployment and will apply for that.


My garden Angel among the glowing dogwood leaves..

Nearly all of my creditors have me in collections and I know one lawyer in town has 4 accounts of mine. I am looking for a lawyer of my own and once I am working again I will file for bankruptcy. I have nothing, own nothing of value, and frankly I am ready for a fresh start and an end to the 50 calls a day from bill collectors some of whom arent even my bills... I hate it. I hate being a deadbeat, but there is no talking to these people, and its almost like they are forcing me to do this, rather than waiting so I can pay them off. One credit card jacked my intrest up to 39.95 percent, That is so unbelieveable...it has got to be illegal. The amount I owe is going up so fast I will never see daylight...

On a bighter note, my landlord contacted me and things are going to stay the same for the time being. He wants me in the house I want to be in the house and I am very content here

I have no holiday plans I am working half days Thanksgiving Day, the saturday and sunday of the weekend 4 to 6 hours I dont get holiday pay so having this keeps me stable as far as my 40 hours goes. I bought a turkey and some trimmings but will likely cook it next tuesday when Im set to have a full day off likely it too will be a half day... I could get used to that...

Sunday 11-29 is my Rite of Acceptance at St Steven Church. I have not been attending RCIA class but Msgr Marcusk has these lovely cds for me to listen to Im not going to "miss the bus" to Catholic Land this year. no matter what. I am very glad to have found this church and look forward to learning and growing. I also have taken up praying the liturgy of the hours morning and night. That is amazing, and powerful I feel a renewed stiring of Gods presence in my life.

This is my favorite holiday season of the year, its a time of reflection. While I have had a very rough year, I have few regrets for this path I am on. I know deep down in my heart that it is a time of refinement...a time that God is using to refocus me back to the type of life I had before Woody and the illusional life we had. Sometimes it seems like a dream. This now is the reality. The truth is that we have very little control over our destiny...Like a seed planted in the ground, it is God that controls our prosperity or our want. Our responsibility is to choose to do our best everyday and trust Him for our futures. We can plan, sceme, save, work, but like the seed in the ground we cant necessary make it grow, only God gives the increase.

And so it goes...thank you one and all for your prayers and concern. Please keep me in your thoughts as I gather in a harvest of provision. You are a blessing to me...

Labels: Bella Vista, Catholic, Current Events, Pear Tree Cottage, Personal Growth, Scenic Arkansas, scripture, Thanksgiving, weather

October 04, 2009

Psalm 142~ Lord, You Are My Refuge

Autumn Surrounds the Sanctuary, First United Methodist Church Bella Vista AR



You Are My Refuge


With my voice I cry out to the Lord;
with my voice I plead for mercy to the Lord.
I pour out my complaint before him;
I tell my trouble before him.

When my spirit faints within me,
you know my way!
In the path where I walk
they have hidden a trap for me.
Look to the right and see:
there is none who takes notice of me;
no refuge remains to me;
no one cares for my soul.

I cry to you, O Lord;
I say, “You are my refuge,
my portion in the land of the living.”
Attend to my cry,
for I am brought very low!
Deliver me from my persecutors,
for they are too strong for me!
Bring me out of prison,
that I may give thanks to your name!
The righteous will surround me,
for you will deal bountifully with me.

Labels: Bella Vista, Scenic Arkansas, scripture, UMC

August 18, 2009

Critical Data For Better Decisions

A New Trail.. The new walking trailhead at the Little Golden Gate Bridge, Bever AR

Today I will do something that is good for me, even if it feels uncomfortable...Self discipline is self caring... M. Scott Peck

Today's title came form a on line logistics publication I read...I thought it summed up what I lacked yesterday when I wrote my last post.

Well, I went into work today, The sunrise was gorgeous. I have missed this part of NW Arkansas, the beautiful sunrises and sunset. Working night shift meant being in a building before sunset and asleep at dawn... It was very early, but I have been rising at five or earlier for much if the time I have been back from Louisville. Abi , seeming to know this was a big day, woke me at 430 am wrapping her tiny front legs around my face and gently kissing me with tiny licks.So adorable. I repositioned her for a gentle belly rub as I prayed against the fear in my guts...

I was afraid. Afraid of the transition. Afraid to believe that this really is finally going to happen. And afraid that I would fail... The doubts are real. The awareness that I am making an investment that may not pay off for a long time. I dont know how I will make it financially, but I will trust that the Jesus that multiplied a small boys lunch into food for 20,000 people, can make a miracle in my financial life.

I was placed into the hands of a delightful gal, for training. It is her opinion after the first day that I am destined for bigger things than the job that I would be starting at and not to worry. The firm is a growing concern. I knew that, its one of the reasons I worked for free that day, just to get into the door. I can only pray that I impress them and that they want to keep me on there.

I figured out the amount that I will need to make to qualify for an apartment in the complex nearby that I was wanting to move into. When the time comes that is what I will ask for and tell them why. Its a reasonable amount for my expertise and skill level. This moving would be an advantage to them because it would be a 5 minute drive to work. It is good for me because I would be close to the local Mall/Shopping Area, and 15 minutes to Fayetteville, the University and the social life there that is missing for me up here in Bella Vista. But the 60 mile round trip is easy highway driving, and walking Abi this afternoon after a summer shower, the forest here was so beautiful.. Will be hard to choose... Frankly I may not get to choose, Mr House Owner may put the place back on the market and it will be sold out from under me, I wouldn't blame him. The market is heating up. I just need to be ready to make a change and not fuss too much about it. I have enjoyed living here and it has been a good place for me to be. But I will lose a lot if I leave here and if I move it should be closer to my work so I can be more centered in the community. I think commuter culture is one of the reasons we all dont know anyone, not even our neighbors. I would certainly miss people at my church and the ladies I am getting to know at my Al Anon meetings, but I would plug into a younger more diverse church, and there are meetings daily in and around the area

I found the people very friendly, the work is exacting but I sense a real team mentality not like thisplace where you were expected to do what was on your list and no one pitched in to help you and woe to you if you screw up. It is ultra casual jeans and tee shirts mode. I can wear jeans every day, that is helpful as I bought more casual clothing, expecting to be in a workshop environment at this point. I heard over and over how glad people were to be there. I didn't sense the stress and upset I have seen in transportation firms before. This could truly be a great experience. I need to relax let go and let God direct this.

Please pray for us. Abi had a lovely time with her doggy sitter Diane. I know she will miss her next week, but Auntie Barbara across the street may come in if she is here. Her daughter is struggling with cancer and is not doing well and so there may be other priorities for her in these coming days. I have left her before for a whole day and her crate is very large. She is well and shows no sign of her illness last week.

Thank you for praying and for your encouragement. We are not out of the woods yet but I feel like there was a light shown at the end of this long dark tunnel. Im walking forward, armed with the most critical of information. That God is with us and His love never fails

Labels: Abigail, Bella Vista, Faith, Friends, Scenic Arkansas, working

July 13, 2009

The Sundering

The Hale Pau'ana Huakai...The House At the End Of The Long Journey...certainly the place where the journey ended for Woody and I.

Neither of you can return to the house...by the time we are done with the sale no beds or furniture will be left it will all be sold to the bare walls.Both of your items are laid out side by side... It would not be fair to either of you if you came in when we arent here... The lady running our eastate sale pronounced to me...

The house is sold, the insurance company is paying to put a new roof on, and the neighbors have pitched in to help Woody clear away the accumulated grime of the neglect of months...I tried to start on it myself, and found that my grief, my disappointment and frankly overflowing anger and hurt did not allow me to do much... Woody parked on his ass watching golf while I tried to vacum with a wand that was only three feet long... I think he wanted to see me struggle with that so I would be stooped over in a groveling position. We ended up shouting and I heard for the upteenth time that I only am to him the sum of our accumulated wealth...which he has squandered and blames me for the situation we find ourselves in, he had only to look around at our treasures amidsts the filth... the gold amidst the trash... Our dream home, our dream life in ruins, It was never real because you only have life if you make it...living on the largesse of others is not living... You never go anywhere if you dont work for it. It was a life... but I was the only one driving it, and without the help of a partner wanting to go in the same direction, it was bound to crash.

Aloha my Popoki Makoa and KaNani...

If there are two creatures that have suffered through the desperation of our separation and divorce its Mak and Nani. I saw them a few days ago and they were in terrible shape. Overweight, matted and claws so overgrown that they are having surgery in the coming days to fix their feet and relieve the pain. Their new caregiver is their vet, who is going to try to find a good home for them... why dont I take them...because I may very well need to move soon and that could mean couch surfing, living in a small apartment, or living at a friends home. Abigail has a home with her breeder as long as I need to leave her there... Mak and Nani have been astranged from me since 2007 when I broke my foot. They became afraid of me then I worked nights and went to Louisville. They have forgotten I am their mom...the one that took them out of the cardboard box in the Hilo Famer's market, fretted over them and cried for them as we flew from Honolulu to Houston. Now they hiss when I try to go near them, and their mats are so deep that their skin is sore, so petting is unpleasent and hurts them. I know that things will be better for them any place but where they were

I didnt see them off today, as I was working... but I trust that Woody loves them and will do whats right for them...Its all I can do.

My Chinese desk symbolic of my business and my time in Hawaii

I took my things, including this fragile desk and related peices to the estate liquidators who salivated over it. I believe over half of the stuff that I brought here to Peartree was returned to the house for the sale. I filled the space in the house with something else, and its ok. The extra space is good... the money will be good and the letting go of something that will not make another journey intact... very good. My style has changed. My life has changed. A sleeker, more streamlined look, easier to clean and manage is more appropriate for me. The fabrics,patterns, books of my former domestic life, where I danced, made costumes and all of my own clothing has come to an end for now. It needs to be sold while it still has value, and here in quilting sewing heaven it does! All of the equipment I purchased for my aborted business is being looked at by jewelry pros in the area that are game to try at what I have no nerve to do now. I am letting go of that dream so I can change my life for the better. I have a plan now and if I can get a job soon I will be ok... selling this stuff will buy me time to get under way.

I am also letting go... so what is left of ME will stay intact. Woody is an alcoholic he confrims it by his loud denials and running around the neighborhood finding out if I have "talked" behind his back. I know that he is moving on, headed to a couch, and a job in California and that this is God's plan for me. I wish it could be on good terms.

But I fear that this will not be the case. I have yet to meet a drunk that refused help and still cared about his/her confrontor. Either your beloved drunk gets help, or you need to get going. My mother stayed for 30 years with my Dad. She had her reasons, but I am not going to do that and didnt do that. I also dont have to stay defeated either. Yes, I am going to my first meeting tomorrow night, and yes I am going to get well, whatever that means. If it means sleeping on a friends couch for a bit OK. It may mean 30 days at NW Arkansas Womens Shelter, that could be a good experience... If it means moving 1000 miles south I will do that. If it means uncertainty while I wait on God, and learn the true meaning of faith, I am committed to doing that.

I felt torn asunder this past weekend...I think today...thats a good thing. Its a finality that needed to happen. The Sundering, all of us going our separate ways frees me for what God has for me next. Abi and I are waiting, praying and hoping...

The New Journey is just beginning....

Woody in our backyard with my beloved Annabelle when she was three months old two years ago August 2007

Labels: AA, Abigail, Annabelle, Bella Vista, California, Faith, Hawaii, Marriage, Personal Growth, Woody

June 28, 2009

Isaiah 55- Streams In The Desert

Summer Stream, Little Sugar Creek, near Bella Vista AR

“Come, everyone who thirsts,
come to the waters;
and he who has no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without price.
Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread,
and your labor for that which does not satisfy?
Listen diligently to me, and eat what is good,
and delight yourselves in rich food.
Incline your ear, and come to me;
hear, that your soul may live;
and I will make with you an everlasting covenant,
my steadfast, sure love for David.
Behold, I made him a witness to the peoples,
a leader and commander for the peoples.
Behold, you shall call a nation that you do not know,
and a nation that did not know you shall run to you,
because of the Lord your God, and of the Holy One of Israel,
for he has glorified you.

“Seek the Lord while he may be found;
call upon him while he is near;
let the wicked forsake his way,
and the unrighteous man his thoughts;
let him return to the Lord, that he may have compassion on him,
and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

“For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven
and do not return there but water the earth,
making it bring forth and sprout,
giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,
so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;
it shall not return to me empty,
but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,
and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.

“For you shall go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and the hills before you
shall break forth into singing,
and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.
Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress;
instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle;
and it shall make a name for the Lord,
an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.”

Labels: Bella Vista, Scenic Arkansas, scripture

June 23, 2009

Moments of Maybe

My little house on Midway street Bellflower CA, since selling this house in 2001 I feel like I have been a vagabond, living out of a suitcase and a packing box...not finding a place of stability.

....Now we are being asked
to begin a journey
in which we have become comfortable...

Sometimes I wish God would just...
....stop doing this!...

I have a favorite chair...
My furniture fits in this house...
My dogs are familiar in this place...
I know how to find the things that I lose....
But... here we go again...

Then,
Somewhere
in the midst of all of
all of the mind numbing flurry
a remembered whisper

"Your favorite chair can be moved
and still be just as comfortable
You home is only a home
because I Am there.

Where do you think I Am going?

Being known is a matter of connection
not time or geography
And as for things lost...
Aren't they always?
When have I failed to find you?"

So...
May we begin this adventure.
I promise to hold on to you
if you will hold onto me
Let us give thanks together
For God, through Jesus Christ
has held us and will hold us forever!

from the unpublished poem "Re Appointment"
by Rev Sara Bainbridge, 2009

It seems that many of us are in the midst of change, I hear this from people I meet in the grocery store, and on temporary jobs and interviews. Between the economic changes due to reductions in income, job changes and enviromental shifts... as things deteriorate economically, for example because homes are foreclosed on your block your own house doesn't sell and you lose it and have to move... or a company closes and this has trickle down effects...

Friends of mine are expecting new babies, or are caring for parents with Alzheimer's... Some are taking family members in because they need a home, and others are giving up their homes, because they can no longer afford to live on their own, or cannot manage the home they have for some other reason.

My situation hasnt changed. I had a glimmer of hope that I had finally landed a job... really a dream job. I had had four interviews..passed the credit checks, a man had flown in for Kansas City to interview me and was enthralled at my story of building my jewelry store in the hostile economic climate of Hawaii. For this Jewery Executive it was his dream lived out... He wanted me on his best team... in the store in Fayetteville.

But the sales numbers for May were not up to par and his goal of expanding the sales force to increase the sales from 2 million to 2.35 million in this mall store were not justified. My hire got shot down by the numbers and people above my and Steve the distric manager's paygrade... I was devestated.

So I called my landlord, who is very sympathetic, but this situation is difficult and if I dont have a source of income by this time next month, he is going to put the home back on the market. I gathered that I would be allowed to stay until it sold but then I would need to get out... The problem with this is that I have to keep the utilities on and frankly I cant afford it...if I were working this wouldnt be an issue, but then I would be staying on at the cottage... as it stands I am going to have to be out soon, or employed...

I have temp work for this week. The pay is low but it will fill my tank and pay the phone bill this month. I worked for FREE last week for a day at one of the best transportation firms in the country... their home office is here in Springdale. It was in the Carrier Compliance dept, and I was taking faxes of Certificates of Authority and insurance binders, and updating carrier data. This is very important to keep updated because should coverage be canceled, and they use this carrier by accident and there is an accident, no insurance, and the company is in deep trouble. It was boring and well, not nice work, but I was glad to be there and show them that I was efficient and knowledgeable. While there I was interviewed by two managers who said that should they have a slot I would be considered ... They are still on hiring freeze and will be for 60 days but this gift of helping out was a seed sown. If I could go to work for these folks I could retire at this company...they are that amazingly great. But in the near term I have not too much lined up....

Several housing solutions are still under discussion I know that God will make a way for me. I am going through all of my stuff with ruthless abandon, hopeing and praying that God will send buyers for my things when I have my sale in July. I received a report from Woody that we have a pending offer on our home, I wont see any cash from that but it will be a load off of my credit report... no more late payments on that loan...

In these "moments of maybe", an expression my pastor used this week to describe the what ifs of life... These What should I do's of ordinary time...I sit and wonder. I love my home, but should I fight to keep it...Hasnt fighting gotten me to this place of penury. Pushing God to do what I want? I dont know I wonder sometimes but in truth, I am in this wilderness so I can learn to trust God with ALL of my heart. My friends with spare rooms and open hearts havent forgotten me and neither has God... So I will wait.

Another thing I am pondering. God made me just to love me, and for me to love Him in return. He will with hold no good thing. I must hang on to that as I ponder being in the "midst of maybe" myself... New doors will be opening. I must be ready to cross over the thresholds

Peartree Cottage swathed in Summer Green Bella Vista AR

Labels: Bella Vista, California, Family History, Friends, Pear Tree Cottage, Poem

March 06, 2009

Walking Alone

Walking trail at Bella Vista Lake

The weather is so beautiful, I cant hardly believe how warm and nice it is. Perfect for walking. So I am trying to get out...but it has been so hard...

I am missing my walking partner

Not so long ago I walked by myself, and thought nothing of it. And perhaps it will be that way again, but for now the pain is nearly unbearable. I see people with their little shihtzus, even dogless people happy and smiling. I look at my world and everything is just broken...

I got a call last night, The Census people wanted to hire me... I missed the call and now cant get through, It was a job...a paying job. I dont know if they will call back

My friend Linda hasnt spoken to me in a week. I have called, gone by the house and emailed. Their dogs are home, and when I come to the door, they bark then stop...I think she is there, but doenst want to see me. I can think of a few reasons why but tell me ok so I can understand and slink off to the rock that I crawled out from under. If she is mad at me I wish she would be mature enough to tell me.

Walking today was so painful I found myself saying...Lets go! Lets go! to the tiny ghost walking with me. I found myself just breaking into sobs... I dont think any one of the myriad of people in my life have the slightest grasp of how I feel.

I know that people do know how I feel it is just so crushing. I saw this video on MSN and it really encouraged me to not let all of this get me down It is now 10 pm ten hours later... after I started this post I realized that I was in a bad way, so I showered and left early. I went to lunch...to my favorite Chinese place...it is my birthday after all and why not... I am retaking the Insurance class this week. It isnt my first choice of a career but I am going to try. I had some other interviews this week that went very well so we shall see. It is just so hard to wait and see...

One of my errands was to Dr Eric to take back the medications that Annabelle didnt need. He sat me down and told me that the tests came back and Bella's death was due to a severe bacterial infection, not Parvo. I am not under any sort of quarantine, no steam cleaning of carpets needed and to go get another furry friend if I wanted... He told me again how sorry he was that he thought that she was rallying when he let us go home, but she was too far gone and gave up after I put her into her bed for a bit of rest. God has a reason for taking her. I need to trust Him. But the pain and the odd feeling of something missing in my life is unbearable.

I need to say this...losing her I think is making me a healthier more whole person. I feel like I am in touch with feelings that have been suppressed for a long time. Truthfully, I found myself not crying or getting upset because it upset Annabelle so much. Imagine having to have a stiff upper lip for the sake of the dog! (smile) But I also gained in self control...the good kind and I am glad for that....

I have had a lot of people die in my life, not just of old age or catastrophic illness, though watching a young friend die of AIDS in the 80's was about the worst... Still not my parents nor my friends who have died elicited this depth of grief. I have had four friends commit suicide in my life time, had another friend in High School who was murdered by the Freeway Killer, William Bonin. At a low point in my life I made a sudden new friend, like I did Linda recently, only to have her die a few months later of a massive heart attack at age 49, I mentioned her in this post way back when... I believe in that little poem in the post that we have to live in the now...today... Love today live today.. I heard the Kenny Rogers song "One Life" this morning and I sang along with the radio to the little ghost that sometimes I can still see pirouetting around me as I do housework today...

If there's a way of makin' time stand still for good
I haven't found it yet
If I could love you for eternity, I would
But I regret

I've only got one life; I've only got one life
An' one lifetime's just not long enough to live
I've only got one heart; I've only got one heart
And I wish I had a hundred more to give
Girl, there's so little time and so much I want to do
But I've only got one life to love someone like you.

Can't take my eyes off you, I'm afraid of what I'll miss
It goes by so fast
So I'll treat each moment that I've been blessed, with you
Like it's the last.

I've only got one life; I've only got one life
An' one lifetime's just not long enough to live
I've only got one heart; I've only got one heart
And I wish I had a hundred more to give
Girl, there's so little time and so much I want to do
But I've only got one life to love someone like you.

I dont know if it is right to take on another responsibility just now with my life in such turmoil, I have a lot of misgivings about it, but on the other hand I see doggies on Craigslist that need a home, and think, what is a little food. a walk and a snuggle worth? Priceless.

I look at the website for Annabells Breeder and had a good cry when I watched this Precious

The lady accross the street who is Doggie Mom to an aged Dacshund named Oscar...a wistful admirer of Annabelle.... said she would help me by coming in and pottying my new baby should I chose to get another dog and need help with that,once I get a job... but i dont know how long I will be here if I dont land a job soon. Moving again just scares me, but I am preparing for that possibility. Where is another question...

Im paring down my stuff that I took out of the house with Woody... for example, I have started to go though my craft things, I have boxes and boxes of fabrics. I want to eliminate that to a box or two of special peices to keep. I would like to be sewing again soon, But I have a lot of stuff that I just will never use so its bye bye to that and off to the Cosy Shoppe where I have a consignment stall I sold a bunch of stuff last month, gave me a little bit of cash. I also went to the clothing consignment store where there was another c note waiting for me. I put a ton of stuff on consignment before I went to Louisville, and the payoff was nice.

Its easy to be afraid. We were talking about investment vehicles tonight and I found myself thinking that in 20 years I will be old enough to retire and I have NOTHING saved up, I was counting on Woody and our paid off house and a lot of things that are not going to pan out. I find myself becoming paralysed with fear but I know that God cares and its His job to provide for me when the time comes...

And perhaps that is the lesson of this hour, this time, and this year of my life. I can depend on no one, no creature, no anything, but God alone, and as I grow another year older, another year healthier, mentally and physically and another year stronger, spiritually and emotionally, I am grateful to Him Who Gives above anything we can ask or think of. Thank you God for another year of life and for all that came my way great and small, and for whatever is to come.

Labels: Annabelle, Bella Vista, Family History, Personal Growth, working

March 01, 2009

Psalm 51:1-17 Have Mercy Upon Me, O God

Beautiful Frozen Lake Norwood Near Town Center Bella Vista AR



Have mercy on me, O God,
because of your unfailing love.
Because of your great compassion,
blot out the stain of my sins.

Wash me clean from my guilt.
Purify me from my sin.



For I recognize my shameful deeds-
they haunt me day and night.

Against you, and you alone, have I sinned;
I have done what is evil in your sight.
You will be proved right in what you say,
and your judgment against me is just.



For I was born a sinner-
yes, from the moment my mother conceived me.

But you desire honesty from the heart,
so you can teach me to be wise in my inmost being.



Purify me from my sins, [fn1] and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

Oh, give me back my joy again;
you have broken me-
now let me rejoice.

Don't keep looking at my sins.
Remove the stain of my guilt.

Create in me a clean heart, O God.
Renew a right spirit within me.

Do not banish me from your presence,
and don't take your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me again the joy of your salvation,
and make me willing to obey you.

Then I will teach your ways to sinners,
and they will return to you.

Forgive me for shedding blood, O God who saves;
then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness.

Unseal my lips, O Lord,
that I may praise you.



You would not be pleased with sacrifices,
or I would bring them.
If I brought you a burnt offering,
you would not accept it.

The sacrifice you want is a broken spirit.
A broken and repentant heart, O God,
you will not despise.

Labels: Bella Vista, Scenic Arkansas, scripture

February 14, 2009

Psalm 33~Be My Refuge

Nature's Sculpture in ice, an ice glazed tree in my garden. Bella Vista AR


Psalm 33

In you, O Lord, do I take refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
in your righteousness deliver me!
Incline your ear to me;
rescue me speedily!
Be a rock of refuge for me,
a strong fortress to save me!

3For you are my rock and my fortress;
and for your name's sake you lead me and guide me;
4you take me out of the net they have hidden for me,
for you are my refuge.
5Into your hand I commit my spirit;
you have redeemed me, O Lord, faithful God.

6I hate [fn1] those who pay regard to worthless idols,
but I trust in the Lord.
7I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love,
because you have seen my affliction;
you have known the distress of my soul,
8and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy;
you have set my feet in a broad place.

9Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress;
my eye is wasted from grief;
my soul and my body also.
10For my life is spent with sorrow,
and my years with sighing;
my strength fails because of my iniquity,
and my bones waste away.

11Because of all my adversaries I have become a reproach,
especially to my neighbors,
and an object of dread to my acquaintances;
those who see me in the street flee from me.
12I have been forgotten like one who is dead;
I have become like a broken vessel.
13For I hear the whispering of many—
terror on every side!—
as they scheme together against me,
as they plot to take my life.

But I trust in you, O Lord;
I say, “You are my God.”
My times are in your hand;
rescue me from the hand of my enemies and from my persecutors!
Make your face shine on your servant;
save me in your steadfast love!
O Lord, let me not be put to shame,
for I call upon you;
let the wicked be put to shame;
let them go silently to Sheol.
Let the lying lips be mute,
which speak insolently against the righteous
in pride and contempt.

Oh, how abundant is your goodness,
which you have stored up for those who fear you
and worked for those who take refuge in you,
in the sight of the children of mankind!
In the cover of your presence you hide them
from the plots of men;
you store them in your shelter
from the strife of tongues.

Blessed be the Lord,
for he has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me
when I was in a besieged city.
I had said in my alarm, [fn2]
“I am cut off from your sight.”
But you heard the voice of my pleas for mercy
when I cried to you for help.

Love the Lord, all you his saints!
The Lord preserves the faithful
but abundantly repays the one who acts in pride.
Be strong, and let your heart take courage,
all you who wait for the Lord!

Labels: Bella Vista, Scenic Arkansas, scripture, weather

February 08, 2009

Nehemiah 1~ Pray Over The Ruins

Against Heaven heavily iced and frozen branches defy gravaty's pull. Bella Vista AR


The words of Nehemiah the son of Hacaliah.

Now it happened in the month of Chislev, in the twentieth year, as I was in Susa the capital, that Hanani, one of my brothers, came with certain men from Judah. And I asked them concerning the Jews who escaped, who had survived the exile, and concerning Jerusalem. And they said to me, "The remnant there in the province who had survived the exile is in great trouble and shame. The wall of Jerusalem is broken down, and its gates are destroyed by fire."

As soon as I heard these words I sat down and wept and mourned for days, and I continued fasting and praying before the God of heaven.And I said, "O Lord God of heaven, the great and awesome God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments,let your ear be attentive and your eyes open, to hear the prayer of your servant that I now pray before you day and night for the people of Israel your servants, confessing the sins of the people of Israel, which we have sinned against you. Even I and my father's house have sinned.We have acted very corruptly against you and have not kept the commandments, the statutes, and the rules that you commanded your servant Moses.Remember the word that you commanded your servant Moses, saying, ‘If you are unfaithful, I will scatter you among the peoples,but if you return to me and keep my commandments and do them, though your dispersed be under the farthest skies, I will gather them from there and bring them to the place that I have chosen, to make my name dwell there.’They are your servants and your people, whom you have redeemed by your great power and by your strong hand.O Lord, let your ear be attentive to the prayer of your servant, and to the prayer of your servants who delight to fear your name, and give success to your servant today, and grant him mercy in the sight of this man."

Now I was cupbearer to the king.

Labels: Bella Vista, Scenic Arkansas, scripture, weather

February 07, 2009

Bowed But Not Broken

bowed but not broken, a Dogwood sapling bowed over from the ice storm. Happily the little tree was flexible enough to not break under the onslaught of the freezing rain

Perseverance is the virtue that enables a man to endure the delays in the attainment of good... St. Thomas Aquinas

Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be broken... Pastor Chuck Smith

Its been a blurr of a week. I may not be working but I am working pretty hard at being unemployed. I have had two other interviews, one for an agency that has a call center job that requires technical training yet pays less than I have made in 15 years. I will go into the red every month, I will take it if I am offered it. But it is going to be really hard...

I had a second insurance company call me, regarding selling insurance products geared towards the senior market which is very large in this area. I interviewed with the owner of the branch/franchise of this second firm... I know he has since read this blog, I have the address on my cards so this isn't vain flattery but I really liked this man and the way he presented the opportunity. I didn't get the impression that he runs a boiler room or that he wont pay me for work and effort, and once I get started I will give him 110 percent.

I have looked into both firms and I have not yet found negative information on this second company but I did find it on the first one, lots of dirt. So I have prayed a lot about this. I feel like I need to explore both firms more thoroughly before I commit. I cant commit to anyone until I have passed the state exam and am licensed by the state of Arkansas.

And to do that one must attend a required class. I completed the class this week, it was hard. I have such a hard time sitting there. Its easy to let the mind wander..."Is this the right thing?"..." What if I cant do it, what then?"... I know I shouldn't dwell on this kind of thinking. This is the only door currently open to me and I need to take it. I also need to not focus on the visions of big pay days, the promises of a secure future if I get involved in this profession. Truth is we are not promised tomorrow, we are not promised success even if we work hard... I know this now more today than ever. I must trust that both of the men I talked to wont let me lose my home while I am trying to learn this job. I think I can do it and yes I do believe in providing people information on their benefits and getting them the insurance they need to supplement their Medicare.

I feel like I had a hard time retaining the concepts. I bought the disc with the practice questions from the exam and I will work hard at getting the answers right and will not take the exam before I am ready...period. I cant afford to keep taking the test at 100.00 bucks a pop... and failure is not an option...

and I have seen failure. This is exactly the sort of this that the "losers" in my life tried to do to make the big bucks instead of getting a "real" job. I feel a sort of shame for myself for looking down on them so many years ago now that I find myself in their shoes...The big talk that came out of their mouths was the voice of desperation and I had no compassion. Truth is I need so little that marginal success will be enough.

But enough of that. Other than the nagging fear of penury, life is good. I am, in my spare time, working hard at getting the rest of the unpacking done and my garage sorted out in particular. I have the space out there to set up a good home office, sewing space and eventually my jewelers bench.Actually sewing may become a necessity as I have been singularly unable to find proper blouses or shells... you know those simple blouses you wear under a jacket with a skirt? And a Day dress to wear while calling on clients. I look like a freak in a traditional suit, like I am wearing Daddy's business suit or a worse sort of sterotype.... If its not soft and femenine, it doesnt fly. I love Tim Gunn, and his 10 Essentials for your closet made me realize that a suit isnt on this list. I look good in a dress if it fits right. But like a blouse I havent found anything even on line that is reasonable or not too hootchy- coothchie..ie my boobs hanging out all over the place... Hey I have something to sell but not that...

So my machines are here and I bought materiel in Louisville, so I think I will get to work, it beats worrying. And it will be a welcome creative break from study

I am trying to remain optimistic, hopeful and focused on Jesus. I feel closer to God than I have been in a very very long time... I am bowed down, humbled by the knowledge that my life...my future is TOTALLY out of my hands. Perhaps in this year of learning to trust, I will finally be able to let go and have real faith in the God who has never failed me. He will not leave me bowed down but will raise me up in His time

Labels: Bella Vista, Faith, Scenic Arkansas, working

January 27, 2009

Ice in the Wind

Twilight view from my front window into the front garden Pear Tree Cottage Bella Vista Ar

Once Upon A Winter Day


Once upon a winter day
Gray clouds passed swiftly across the sky
As shapely snowflakes fell steadily down,
Covering the land in a dazzling white
Leaving a winter calling card on the ground.

Once upon a winter day
The snow-edged creek silently wept
Near the shadows of the tall pine trees
Trimmed in a glittering white lace,
Creating an impressive display in the breeze.

Once upon a winter day
Branches drooped to the impassable road
Due to the weight of the snow.
Icicles hung from the dormant trees
In view of the shattered daylight glow.

Once upon a winter day
Nothing is heard but rubbing tree limbs
And a stray dog faintly barking,
The vibrant sound of a frightened deer,
A broken tree branch suddenly falling.

Once upon a winter day
The distant snow-covered hills
Loomed in the path of the gloomy sky,
Where the northerly wind briskly growled
As chickadees and juncos fluttered by.

Joseph T. Renaldi

I have candles at the ready as the lights flicker and the wind outside is picking up. The Ice Storm of 2009 has left a swath of destruction all around me. I am continually amazed at the weather so different from what I have experienced in my life prior to coming to Arkansas. My town has scattered power outages but the worst is south of here where much of southern Benton and all of Washington Counties were slammed by the freezing rain and ice. I wandered out in my sweatshirt nightshirt and trainers, my new neighbors my have thought I was nuts as I walked around the house looking at the trees and snapping pictures of the ice and sleet covered ground.

I have been trying to get up earlier and earlier to try to train myself in preparation for going back to work. Im having mixed success. I am rising, but really am not worth much of anything all day. If I sit too long I drop off, in a semi sleep that is actually painful. I get a headache from it, I believe from lack of oxygen. Im probably not breathing properly. I perk up about 3pm. This is not going to work. So please pray for me, I really need to get re adjusted into a day shift pattern.

Iced Pot in my front garden Pear Tree Cottage Bella Vista AR

I have been singularly unsuccessful in finding work. There are hiring freezes at the transportation companies that I thought would be avenues of employment. I have worked the job boards, want ads and gone to temporary services and nothing. I have only one opportunity and I have decided to embrace it and go forward. An insurance company has approached me to go to work for them. I have a class to take and a test to pass to be licensed. The firm provides online training. I am having some difficulty with the courses... lots of facts and figures to remember. The Firm provides products specifically for the over 65 market, and with the large numbers of retirees here in this area this is an ideal market. I have been promised support and help all the way in this if I work hard. I will, and I know that it will be hard. I have to succeed, there are not other options right now.

I am going to continue to look for work. I need four weeks of temporary work to qualify for unemployment which would be wonderful. I have some reserve left and if I am careful perhaps I can make it. Again, I do believe that this place in my lifes adventure is about trusting God and not my own abilities. Still I am scared as is a lot of the country right now. I am grateful for all of the riches in my posession. For the warm dry house with lights and hot water... and the box of candles. I have a new friend that lives three blocks away that has a gas heating system... (I will be replacing this system with a system like hers one day. The heat pump switches to a gas furnace when that is needed. The people accross the street just put one in and it gives them a lot of peace of mind...)They have invited Annabelle and I to their home to stay if the power goes out and the cold is too much.

I am grateful to be on my own. My mind is clearer and my heart is lighter than it ever was before. Our Divorce is proceeding apace and should be final in a month or so. Just today I was reminded of why this was needed. Woody was home today from the car lot. The poor man hasnt had a day off in all of the time he has been there. His power went off and he hadnt started the gas log... He didnt think about it. Id have had a fit or done it myself. He admitted that a lot of things are not done there as there is no one to do them... the maid is out I suppose...

I shouldnt be too cheeky. i feel badly for him and know that I am the winner here by a longshot. Not by stuff or money...I will pay for this for years with damaged credit and the like. But that peace and contentment are worth any price. And to be alone by my own choice is so very different than being alone because you have been abandoned. I no longer feel as though I have been left out to freeze in the icy wind by an indifferent husband. I have come out of the cold into this warm place and come what may I will deal with any reprocussions with the help of the God Who Shelters Me with His Righteous Right Hand

Labels: Bella Vista, Breaking News, Marriage, Personal Growth, Poem, Scenic Arkansas, Woody, working

January 23, 2009

What Storms May Come...

Winter Storm, the Ice Storm of 2009, Bella Vista AR

Post Started 1-23-09

America, in the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

Barak Obama inaugural address 2009

The common outcry,which is justly made on behalf of human rights- for example, the right to health, to home, to work, to family,to culture- is false and illusory if the right to life, the most basic and fundimental right and condition for all other personal rights, is not defended with maximum determination

Pope John Paul II

It was amazing, the crowds the party... I kept wondering if John MC Cain would have had such a party in the face of impending economic disaster. Not that President Obama has a lot of say in that.

Neither does he control the emotions of the masses. Not since the Death of Princess Diana or Pope John-Paul II has the world just stopped and watched the TV the spectacle unfold. a peaceful transfer of the worlds greatest seat of power. This election had huge repercussions for the entire world. The transfer is over and the business is beginning.

The storms our new president brought up in his address are here and more are coming. I fear that the economic storm is digging in for a long stay. The storms of Preservation of Life are breaking with the repeal of the ban on Federal funding for embryonic stem cell reaserch... for the appointment of rabidly pro choice (pro death) people to his administration, lavish appropreations to entities like Planned Parenthood included in the Stimulus package... with the abominable "Freedom of Choice" Act, that will effectively override Right to Life legislation through out the 50 States. This is moving through Committe right now.

Then there is the storm of Jihad. Frankly I fear that we will see the signs of this storm too late. Because after all under September skies as blue as anyone has ever seen four airliners were turned into flying bombs and changed this nation for ever. Im sorry sir...I dont believe that its wrong or against our values to defend this nation. I believe if there were extremes in methodology it was because we are playing the war game by rules we hardly knew and even less understood. I can only hope that Mr. Obama is right that we can somehow deal with the people that hate us and want us dead or converted to Islam ratonally. I have seen no sign that the radical Islamist care what we think or about what we have to say. The world doesnt care what we think, all we have to do is look at the situation in Gaza. Its like they self destruct. They have this deranged hatred of Israel, was sending rockets in killing people and when they go in to put a stop to it they are castigated as the evil ones.

Was Guantanimo wrong? I dont know enough about each case to say anything about holding the men there but I do know from soilders that were stationed there that they had good food and every comfort that could be provided under the circumstances I dont feel the situation amounted to cruelty. However I dont want those men housed in a prison near me, Im sure a lot of people feel this way as well. It will be interesting to see what they deside to do with the detainees.

I appreciate Mr. Obama's call to service and his call to ending our time "of childish things". I have felt for a long time that the financial debacle of my marriage...consuming Woody's retirement and Woody choosing not to work when he could have given it a better shot, was "childish". We certainly have put that lifestyle away and even though I am still not employed I feel much more satisfied with my life now that I am standing on my own.

One of the things that I have thought about regarding the change of leadership and the change of really the way of life for most people in the country in recent months is tha this is a wake up call to perhaps look beyond the materiel, and think about the relational and spiritual areas of life. For those that see the ascendancy of Mr. Obama as the rise of the Anti-Christ...(I have actually heard this) the situation is a call to prayer and conservative activisim. The financial difficulties encourage people to focus on relationship. I am already seeing this among my friends and I think this is a really great thing. Hard times in the past set the stage for the Greatest Generation, and the legacy of service and action that they brought to the world.

The coming storms are likely to be more difficult than we can imagine. I just know that He Who Calmed the Storm, will be with us too and we can trust him to see us through to the Storm's Clearing

Let it be said of us
While we walked among the living
Let it be said of us
By the ones we leave behind
Let it be said of us
That we lived to be a blessing for life

Let it be said of us
That we gave to reach the dying
Let it be said of us
By the fruit we leave behind
Let it be said of us
That our legacy is blessing for life

This day
You set life, you set death right before us,
This day
Every blessing and curse
is a choice now
And we will choose
to be a blessing for life

Let it be said of us
That our hearts belonged to Jesus
Let it be said of us
That we spoke the words of life
Let it be said of us
That our heritage is blessing
for life

For your Kingdom,
for our Children
For the sake of every nation

Let it be said of us
While we walked among the living
Let it be said of us
By the ones we leave behind
Let it be said of us
That we lived to be a
blessing for life

The Blessing
John Waller 2008

Labels: Bella Vista, Current Events, Politics

January 12, 2009

The Petition

my morning window

post started 1-08-2009

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way (I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go)
take me all the way (through the motions)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions

Matthew West

I heard this song this morning and it really sunk in. I think that the desire to stop "going through the motions" is the main reason why I find myself sitting in my lawyers office preparing a counter petition for my divorce. Woody's lawyer set up the petition in the most general way charging me with cruel indignities ect... Sorry I dont want that to go on the record.. Let the truth be told once and for all. I am living in a unconsumated marriage with a man that has spent ever last cent of his retirement with the feckless abandonment of a boy with his allowence. While we have had many many many great times and perhaps still will in the future, I dont want to live as thought this is "happily ever after". I hope that perhaps if I am found worthy I might yet find love again with someone else, and in the mean time I want to be free to serve God as He will and I cant while being bound to Woody.

It doesnt make it easy. There is a lot of unrest in my heart still. I feel badly that I have left him with the house and the mortgage. I go over there and the empty book cases and the general desolation has got to be depressing. I feel like I have not handled this situation as best as I could...but then, I look at the half empty house and realize that this is how the house of my soul has seemed to feel for years and now as the healing has started, I understand that I must look forward and not spend too much time dwelling on this. God has moved me forward and much of the time I feel simply happy for the first time in a long time.

Woody asked me for money this week. I have enough cash in savings for 90 days or so. Not much really in this economy. My prayer is that I will get a job and I am trying looking every day on the Internet. ( I have submitted my resume over 500 times since I returned to Arkansas in November.) I have done some interviewing as well and feel that now that the holidays are over something will come along. I am not picky, and will do what ever to get started again. I dont feel good about giving him money. He has friends that will help him, he can stay in the house many months if he defaults, and there is the painful past...I have no on to help me. I dont have a mortgage right now but a lease. I can be booted out pretty quickly, not that I think Mr. Herring would do that, but I need to be wise about this

It still twisted my heart. I wondered if I did wrong. Why was I so driven about leaving? I have to say that while I was in Louisville I didnt write on my blog the depth of anger, rage fear and disgust I felt about my relationship. Being removed allowed me to vent a lot of that. Its now burnt itsself out and what is left is a bit of an empty shell. Today...the most painful thing is that Woody, who knew I was feeling at time suicidal and filled with grief over it all never said anything like " I love you why dont you come home and we will work it out..." or "I need you home you are done with Charlie's, " or "Please stay in the house and help me while we both get on our feet..." Frankly I felt like he wanted me out in so many words and that makes this harder for me. Being unwanted is the lifetime grief of my soul. No matter how much stuff I received from Woody, what I wanted was his love and acceptance, and I dont feel that I ever received that. It really hurts and now by filing the petition, perhaps I will find peace in this area of my life...

Every morning, when its a clear day, the sun rises in my bedroom window. It signals a truth that I really processed in Louisville, that God gives us a new day to literally "start over". We get a new chance to renew our life journey. Each day is a precious gift. I try to respect the day, and utilize it as best I can. That doesnt mean I have to accomplish a bunch of things...today I put away a few books, did a few online resumes and made a few calls. I also went out and got my hair cut... a much needed excursion. And there is the daily walk with my Annabelle. I rise early and go to bed at the same time. The ruetine is a comfort and I believe will help me regain my health to what it was before I married Woody... My hair dresser already thinks my hair is growing thicker... I have hair so thin you can see my scalp and I am not a old woman. I just need to not sit around and cry about the past. I did a lot of that in Louisville and now I am done with this grieving.

I have stopped wearing my wedding rings and the beautiful Commitment ring that I had made when I first became a Christian. I cannot bear looking at them even though I love the peices very much. I have been wearing a band that Woody gave me nearly 10 years ago that I thought was too delicate for everyday wear. I learned that the under gallery is very supportive and I can wear the sparkling confection daily as long as I dont do home improvement projects in it. Woody noticed that I was wearing it and it made him smile. I didnt take my ring off to piss him off, just to move forward and he got it.

My home is shaping up the way I hoped it would and its making the feeling of being up to my eyeballs in debt worthwhile. As I unload the boxed of books, hang the drapes and enjoy a very new, contemporary styled "chick pad" I feel like I am making a home. I have decorated my bedroom and bathroom with textiles I bought in Hilo before we left (drapes bedding and shower curtain courtesy of JC Penney "Local Style" section) above the bed I hung the print of Hilo Bay,that I had framed in Louisville. There is a lot of a aloha in there and it feels really good. I also have created flower arragements with a tropical feel that gives the whole place a Kapalua look. It reminds me of a upscale condo on Ka'anapalli Beach. Then you go outside and its Ozark leaves and trees. Its so the way my life is now. The aloha is still here but I am here in the southern plains, and living large at that.

Should this not work out and I am not able to get a job I am not sure what I will do. perhaps look at going back to Louisville. I have contacts there that might be able to help me get started, but that isnt what I want to do just now. things are pretty good here economiclly and I am sure I can get a position doing something. Pray for me if you would that I will find work soon. That will go a long way to help me feel settled. Until that happens I need to trust that God will continue to provide. That is my lesson I am learning right now and my petition to On High.

Labels: Annabelle, Bella Vista, Faith, Hawaii, Louisville, Marriage, Pear Tree Cottage, Woody, working

December 28, 2008

1st John 1:1-10~Living in the Light

Cloudflare near Lowell AR


The First Epistle of John Chapter 1

The one who existed from the beginning is the one we have heard and seen. We saw him with our own eyes and touched him with our own hands. He is Jesus Christ, the Word of life. This one who is life from God was shown to us, and we have seen him. And now we testify and announce to you that he is the one who is eternal life. He was with the Father, and then he was shown to us. We are telling you about what we ourselves have actually seen and heard, so that you may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ.
We are writing these things so that our joy will be complete.


Living in the Light
This is the message he has given us to announce to you: God is light and there is no darkness in him at all. So we are lying if we say we have fellowship with God but go on living in spiritual darkness. We are not living in the truth. But if we are living in the light of God's presence, just as Christ is, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from every sin.
If we say we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and refusing to accept the truth. But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from every wrong. If we claim we have not sinned, we are calling God a liar and showing that his word has no place in our hearts.

Labels: Bella Vista, Scenic Arkansas, scripture, weather

November 30, 2008

Mark 13~ Keep Watch for His Return

Thunderhead over Pea Ridge Taken at Metfield Bella Vista Ar


Mark 13

Jesus Foretells the Future

As Jesus was leaving the Temple that day, one of his disciples said, "Teacher, look at these tremendous buildings! Look at the massive stones in the walls!"
Jesus replied, "These magnificent buildings will be so completely demolished that not one stone will be left on top of another."
Later, Jesus sat on the slopes of the Mount of Olives across the valley from the Temple. Peter, James, John, and Andrew came to him privately and asked him, "When will all this take place? And will there be any sign ahead of time to show us when all this will be fulfilled?"
Jesus replied, "Don't let anyone mislead you, because many will come in my name, claiming to be the Messiah. They will lead many astray. And wars will break out near and far, but don't panic. Yes, these things must come, but the end won't follow immediately. Nations and kingdoms will proclaim war against each other, and there will be earthquakes in many parts of the world, and famines. But all this will be only the beginning of the horrors to come. But when these things begin to happen, watch out! You will be handed over to the courts and beaten in the synagogues. You will be accused before governors and kings of being my followers. This will be your opportunity to tell them about me. And the Good News must first be preached to every nation. But when you are arrested and stand trial, don't worry about what to say in your defense. Just say what God tells you to. Then it is not you who will be speaking, but the Holy Spirit.
"Brother will betray brother to death, fathers will betray their own children, and children will rise against their parents and cause them to be killed. And everyone will hate you because of your allegiance to me. But those who endure to the end will be saved.
"The time will come when you will see the sacrilegious object that causes desecration standing where it should not be (reader, pay attention! )Then those in Judea must flee to the hills. A person outside the house must not go back into the house to pack. A person in the field must not return even to get a coat. How terrible it will be for pregnant women and for mothers nursing their babies in those days. And pray that your flight will not be in winter. For those will be days of greater horror than at any time since God created the world. And it will never happen again. In fact, unless the Lord shortens that time of calamity, the entire human race will be destroyed. But for the sake of his chosen ones he has shortened those days.
"And then if anyone tells you, `Look, here is the Messiah,' or, `There he is,' don't pay any attention. For false messiahs and false prophets will rise up and perform miraculous signs and wonders so as to deceive, if possible, even God's chosen ones. Watch out! I have warned you!

"At that time, after those horrible days end,
the sun will be darkened,
the moon will not give light,
the stars will fall from the sky,
and the powers of heaven will be shaken.


Then everyone will see the Son of Man arrive on the clouds with great power and glory. And he will send forth his angels to gather together his chosen ones from all over the world-from the farthest ends of the earth and heaven.
"Now, learn a lesson from the fig tree. When its buds become tender and its leaves begin to sprout, you know without being told that summer is near. Just so, when you see the events I've described beginning to happen, you can be sure that his return is very near, right at the door. I assure you, this generation will not pass from the scene until all these events have taken place. Heaven and earth will disappear, but my words will remain forever.
"However, no one knows the day or hour when these things will happen, not even the angels in heaven or the Son himself. Only the Father knows. And since you don't know when they will happen, stay alert and keep watch.
"The coming of the Son of Man can be compared with that of a man who left home to go on a trip. He gave each of his employees instructions about the work they were to do, and he told the gatekeeper to watch for his return. So keep a sharp lookout! For you do not know when the homeowner will return-at evening, midnight, early dawn, or late daybreak. Don't let him find you sleeping when he arrives without warning. What I say to you I say to everyone: Watch for his return!"

Labels: Bella Vista, Scenic Arkansas, scripture