March 06, 2009

Walking Alone

Walking trail at Bella Vista Lake

The weather is so beautiful, I cant hardly believe how warm and nice it is. Perfect for walking. So I am trying to get out...but it has been so hard...

I am missing my walking partner

Not so long ago I walked by myself, and thought nothing of it. And perhaps it will be that way again, but for now the pain is nearly unbearable. I see people with their little shihtzus, even dogless people happy and smiling. I look at my world and everything is just broken...

I got a call last night, The Census people wanted to hire me... I missed the call and now cant get through, It was a job...a paying job. I dont know if they will call back

My friend Linda hasnt spoken to me in a week. I have called, gone by the house and emailed. Their dogs are home, and when I come to the door, they bark then stop...I think she is there, but doenst want to see me. I can think of a few reasons why but tell me ok so I can understand and slink off to the rock that I crawled out from under. If she is mad at me I wish she would be mature enough to tell me.

Walking today was so painful I found myself saying...Lets go! Lets go! to the tiny ghost walking with me. I found myself just breaking into sobs... I dont think any one of the myriad of people in my life have the slightest grasp of how I feel.

I know that people do know how I feel it is just so crushing. I saw this video on MSN and it really encouraged me to not let all of this get me down It is now 10 pm ten hours later... after I started this post I realized that I was in a bad way, so I showered and left early. I went to lunch...to my favorite Chinese place...it is my birthday after all and why not... I am retaking the Insurance class this week. It isnt my first choice of a career but I am going to try. I had some other interviews this week that went very well so we shall see. It is just so hard to wait and see...

One of my errands was to Dr Eric to take back the medications that Annabelle didnt need. He sat me down and told me that the tests came back and Bella's death was due to a severe bacterial infection, not Parvo. I am not under any sort of quarantine, no steam cleaning of carpets needed and to go get another furry friend if I wanted... He told me again how sorry he was that he thought that she was rallying when he let us go home, but she was too far gone and gave up after I put her into her bed for a bit of rest. God has a reason for taking her. I need to trust Him. But the pain and the odd feeling of something missing in my life is unbearable.

I need to say this...losing her I think is making me a healthier more whole person. I feel like I am in touch with feelings that have been suppressed for a long time. Truthfully, I found myself not crying or getting upset because it upset Annabelle so much. Imagine having to have a stiff upper lip for the sake of the dog! (smile) But I also gained in self control...the good kind and I am glad for that....

I have had a lot of people die in my life, not just of old age or catastrophic illness, though watching a young friend die of AIDS in the 80's was about the worst... Still not my parents nor my friends who have died elicited this depth of grief. I have had four friends commit suicide in my life time, had another friend in High School who was murdered by the Freeway Killer, William Bonin. At a low point in my life I made a sudden new friend, like I did Linda recently, only to have her die a few months later of a massive heart attack at age 49, I mentioned her in this post way back when... I believe in that little poem in the post that we have to live in the now...today... Love today live today.. I heard the Kenny Rogers song "One Life" this morning and I sang along with the radio to the little ghost that sometimes I can still see pirouetting around me as I do housework today...

If there's a way of makin' time stand still for good
I haven't found it yet
If I could love you for eternity, I would
But I regret

I've only got one life; I've only got one life
An' one lifetime's just not long enough to live
I've only got one heart; I've only got one heart
And I wish I had a hundred more to give
Girl, there's so little time and so much I want to do
But I've only got one life to love someone like you.

Can't take my eyes off you, I'm afraid of what I'll miss
It goes by so fast
So I'll treat each moment that I've been blessed, with you
Like it's the last.

I've only got one life; I've only got one life
An' one lifetime's just not long enough to live
I've only got one heart; I've only got one heart
And I wish I had a hundred more to give
Girl, there's so little time and so much I want to do
But I've only got one life to love someone like you.

I dont know if it is right to take on another responsibility just now with my life in such turmoil, I have a lot of misgivings about it, but on the other hand I see doggies on Craigslist that need a home, and think, what is a little food. a walk and a snuggle worth? Priceless.

I look at the website for Annabells Breeder and had a good cry when I watched this Precious

The lady accross the street who is Doggie Mom to an aged Dacshund named Oscar...a wistful admirer of Annabelle.... said she would help me by coming in and pottying my new baby should I chose to get another dog and need help with that,once I get a job... but i dont know how long I will be here if I dont land a job soon. Moving again just scares me, but I am preparing for that possibility. Where is another question...

Im paring down my stuff that I took out of the house with Woody... for example, I have started to go though my craft things, I have boxes and boxes of fabrics. I want to eliminate that to a box or two of special peices to keep. I would like to be sewing again soon, But I have a lot of stuff that I just will never use so its bye bye to that and off to the Cosy Shoppe where I have a consignment stall I sold a bunch of stuff last month, gave me a little bit of cash. I also went to the clothing consignment store where there was another c note waiting for me. I put a ton of stuff on consignment before I went to Louisville, and the payoff was nice.

Its easy to be afraid. We were talking about investment vehicles tonight and I found myself thinking that in 20 years I will be old enough to retire and I have NOTHING saved up, I was counting on Woody and our paid off house and a lot of things that are not going to pan out. I find myself becoming paralysed with fear but I know that God cares and its His job to provide for me when the time comes...

And perhaps that is the lesson of this hour, this time, and this year of my life. I can depend on no one, no creature, no anything, but God alone, and as I grow another year older, another year healthier, mentally and physically and another year stronger, spiritually and emotionally, I am grateful to Him Who Gives above anything we can ask or think of. Thank you God for another year of life and for all that came my way great and small, and for whatever is to come.

Labels: Annabelle, Bella Vista, Family History, Personal Growth, working