June 04, 2010

How He Loves

Summer Pastures Near Rogers AR

June 4th 2010

He is jealous for me,

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane,
I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight
of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware
of these afflictions
eclipsed by glory,
And I realize
just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections
are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

We are His portion
and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption
by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean,
we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth
like a sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently
inside of my chest,
I don’t have time
to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

He loves us
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all


Song “How He Loves”
Written by John Mark McMillan
AS CAP/CCLI/©2005 John Mark McMillan
www. thejohnmark. Com

I am rather particular about worship songs. I despise schlock that passes as Praise Music and these Top 40 songs that make Jesus sound like your girlfriend… When I would hear this song on the radio, as it has hit the charts again with a recover by the Dave Crowder Band I would turn the station as I found it… juvenile.

However we have been singing this song a lot at the contemporary service at the Methodist church, and the kids seem to love it at the Youth Mass at Catholic Church. I also have a friend continually concerned that I just cant seem to process the love of God in my heart who gently ordered me to “sing the song to yourself ten times a day until you can begin to understand the meaning of the message…Jesus loves YOU… and so do I…”

So… I have been bombarded by this tune. It seems that God wants to tell me something about Himself. Something that I have found impossible to understand.

I have been stuck for quite a while… wrestling with the ideas of Gods love and Grace and His will and the calamities the befall us all. I have had more than my share of grief in my life. In this time of relative calm it seems that memories and long buried pains are cropping up like dragons teeth. I would find myself sobbing for no reason and the nightmares at times have been terrible. I would pray and pray and read scripture…Finally I had an appointment with my therapist, who challenged me to try to find myself in that ultimate book of human vs calamity…the book of Job.

I am on an odyssey to find myself in the pages of this book, to allow the words of the scriptures bring up old memories, feelings fears and pain and to write about it. The first few chapters were so agonizing that I wasn’t going to keep on with it. But another friend challenged me to keep trying. That he was struggling through a lot of the same issues and was doing a similar exercise with writing . While it is hard, I have found some beautiful things to think about. So I am going to keep after it.

Another friend, when I shared with her about my situation, passed into my hands a wonderful book called “Why Am I Afraid To Love?” by Fr. John Powell SJ. It its few pages he explains in layman’s terms how the lack of love sharing experiences in early childhood, make it difficult if not impossible for a person to understand and appreciate love expressed to them by another human being but most importantly from God Himself. I see myself over and over again in the examples given and points taken. I realize that the abuse has taken its toll, and that our family system is so broken on a grand scale that any expectation of "normal" whatever that is will not be productive


In trying to gain some perspective on the subject, I am also trying to understand the possessive but inclusive nature of the love of God… God Wants to posess us exclusively but also inclusively within the context of His Body...When a human has “loved” me possessively, it hasn’t been a good thing at all… God loves me possessively I need to think more about this

In spending time meditating on this, I have decided that I really don’t know what love is. I don’t know how to give or receive love, I don’t know if I have ever been truly loved by another person. There have always been conditions, expectations and demands…most of which I was unable to meet. I am so hurt inside that I am afraid to reach out, to believe in and to trust…in anyone or anything

I want to learn how to love aright. Im not sure that I can on my own without the help of another person…Im not sure if I will ever begin to understand it, on a human level let alone the unconditional love of God. The book that I have been reading seems to point towards relationship being the answer… I am really ready to find this I am seeking this growth everyday and want the truth to fill my life and my heart

Until I do find what I am looking for, I will continue to feel like this tree in my photo grounded in the solid earth soaking up the nourishing rain and sun, but battered by the storms of life. It is my prayer to grow to be better able to cope with the storms of life so like this sapling, I can be strong enough to withstand the hurricane of His love

Labels: Faith, faith working, Family History, Personal Growth, Praise and Worship

May 20, 2010

The Prodigal Returns

Woody in his native place, Seal Beach CA 2008


The Prodigal Returns

A little meditation on the word forgive can throw some rather surprising light on our understanding of the word.

We are asked to forgive those who have injured us. Unless we have first judged and condemned them for what they did, there would be no reason for us to forgive them. Rather we would have to forgive ourselves for judging

Scripture says: “Judge not that ye be not judged” If we do not judge-no matter how great the injury or how pre meditated- we are at fault. Following this train of thought to its logical conclusion, we can see that we can forgive only ourselves. In doing so, we also forgive the person whose action we have resented

“thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself” tells me I must first make peace with myself before I can learn to love others. I must remind myself constantly that I can never know any other person’s motives and conditioning. I must for my own sake, accept them as they are a large ingredient of that acceptance is loving tolerance.

Father, forgive them for they know not what they do…Luke

And forgive me for judging and retaliating. Help me to forgive myself . I know this is the first step toward spiritual security

From One Day At A Time in Alanon April 29th reading

I find myself fearful that these good times wont last…I have not had an extended period of peace and happiness in my life in decades There has always been something to come along and mar the beauty of a moment. People think I am overly negative… Im just reporting the news

I talk to my therapist about this. I talk to my “Moms” these are two ladies near to my mother’s age that I have adopted as my surrogate mothers. One is a retired social worker with a gift for listening and asking penetrating questions that spur me to greater efforts in my recovery and life. She is wonderfully supportive with phone calls notes and little outings. The other lady is a neighbor. She is a witty, worldly wise woman, 5 times married (twice to husband number 3) and is not afraid to say what needs to be said to me. Both ladies love Abigail, and will walk her when needed. I have used all of their support these past few weeks as I have confronted the past and tried to integrate my new outlook on life with a reality that I knew would finally come to pass.

. Just when I thought that things were going to settle… I had a phone call from Woody a month ago . Out of money, out of friends, out of people’s good graces, he was given some money and told to be gone. So much for the childhood friendships of a lifetime…. These were the friends that he wanted to emulate, that I believe deep in his soul he longed to be a true brother, a part of their family…

Those friends that he put ahead of me so many times...When I think about the past and those people it burns me up… Every Saturday, it was them, every birthday weekend, “ Oh the boys are going for the opening of Del Mar…” I was never included in their gatherings and many of them never bothered to be introduced. When he was with them he spent money like the big money people they are… I don’t know what to think of them, but I do know that once Woody didn’t have money anymore they didn’t want Woody.

I wonder how that must have felt. These men were a part of his life that he cherished. He wanted to belong to this family to this group all of his life . To have them treat him like that…yet, they all know that he spent his money and hasn’t worked. They know what happened here with me. Perhaps there just wasn’t any sympathy left for him.

So he comes back here to NW Arkansas. It is cheaper here, and people are more accepting I think. I have certainly found it so. But that doesn’t mean its easy here. This is, as one friend put it a, “right to starve “ state. Very little in the way of public services, no general relief, and I was never able to qualify for any public assistance. I am not unsympathetic. Woodys situation is sad and scary to me. He is nearly 60. His hair is nearly white, pretty though, but he has aged poorly, is unsteady on his feet, and not well. He has high blood pressure and diabetes that is not well controlled… He has no family left, certainly none here and no prospects for a job. He has now gone through his little bit of cash and as soon as he gets kicked out of the little camping cabin hes renting for 100.00 a week, he will be back to living where he was living when he first came back here, in the parking lot of the Walmart Super Center , Pleasant Grove.

He is in good company, there are a dozen families living there, camping in the evenings. I know the staff there at the super center, as that is where I have done my after work, after midnight shopping for several years. A few nights ago I was there and as I parked I saw a old style van pull up from the back of the parking lot and out piled a woman and five small children… they walked in and went straight to the bathroom, to the shaking of heads of the associates… I told them that Woody was my former husband, and they remembered him and said they would look out for him if he came back there, and that it was a shame that a vet is homeless after serving our country like he has…

I don’t know what to think about this situation… Alanon and my program stresses detachement . This is not my problem I didn’t cause it I cant cure it and I cant control it. All things I have had to learn this past year. Woody made this happen How many times did I ask him to get work and not to spend his retirement his savings on crap that had no value. I have said what I can and now it is time to leave it. I don’t own any of this, and will not take it on as baggage

But I cant really, because he didn’t look back when he left me last summer, down to my last dime. Frightened, alone in many ways, the people around me not sure what to do or how to help me…if they should help me… or do we have to help her just because we are related… Thank God and a few brave, trusting, friends that believed in me, that I too didn’t end up sleeping in the Walmart parking lot. One snowy afternoon I was with Abigail in my van and I was watching the snow fall… I had been working about a month and said out loud to my sweet Abi how wonderful it was to have a warm bed, and a safe place to sleep and to live. I will never, never, never, forget how close I was to homelessness, and to those who choose to look down on the less fortunate I am here to tell you that most people cant help it that they are in this situation. Even Woody, who I believe is ill and not mentally capable to manage his affairs, this is not all his fault. Yes he could have done differently, but he has yet to discuss this with me, I don’t understand his thinking and perhaps never will. I don’t have to but perhaps there would be closure… I don’t know.

Woody is not moving in with me. I have an agreement to not take a room mate as my landlord doesn’t want to deal with subletting issues. I don’t blame him. I have been firm about how much contact I want…and even that sometimes is difficult for me. I see him and am reminded of the rejection and the pain I suffered while being married to him. Woody will never admit he is to blame for a lot of our issues, hey I have my issues as well, but the truth is I was reacting to him, for that I am sorry but he was doing stuff to make our life abnormal and impossible. For his sake, his not working and going through that money was a horrible mistake, the pain and heartache that caused me, as I worried about it I have often thought that he did it just to watch me suffer, a control issue. I know that I did a lot of things based on his behavior that were hurtful. I’m sorry for that as well.

And so it goes. An impoverished old age is my future which scares the heck out of me, and Woody, I don’t know what life will bring him already it is sad, pathetic even. He says things to me when he comes to the house… like my being there and having what I have is a surprise to him and that some how magically I have all of this…my home and my dog and my life… DAMN IT I WORKED SO HARD TO KEEP WHAT I HAVE AND NEVER GAVE UP, THAT’S WHAT… hed have a life too if he had fought just a little to keep what we had, if he’d taken the lead in our home and family and done the right thing…now… it was because he didn’t give two cents about me about himself or anything else. He cares now, but that’s because it is pretty awful to go without bathing and living in your stolen car…yes stolen because hes not made a 700.00 a month car payment in many months. I don’t know what will happen when his loan people catch up with him and turn him out of his home… I have a number of friends that think it is ironic that he is living in his car, since it was a car that started the incredible downhill slide that has lead to the events of the last year

It’s a long way from the Mauna Lani to this place we find ourselves in, I feel at a loss many times… just lost. Its bewildering.

But I press on

My friends, Barbara and Diane both tell me that I need to somehow move on from my feelings about this situation, Move forward…but its really hard when I am looking at the past… looking him right in the face and cant say what I feel. I look at him and can feel love towards him but I also feel the pain… the word “rejected” burning in my forehead once more… When he came to see me the first time I felt like a plant that had just begun to bloom in the early spring only to have winter come back and freezing the tender leaves, turning them black and ugly…The ugly are the wounds that hatred and rage burned into my inner being, that have only recently started to heal. I found that I couldn’t write, even letters or in my journal, let alone on line, I couldn’t hardly talk to my therapist about it, I have all of these feeling stuffed deep down inside of me. Feelings that want to come out, that need to be let out. My therapist gave me a project… to read the book of Job, and write about seeing myself in the book and how God dealt with me. That wallowing in the past only made me more depressed. I have given up that track and now am reading and trying to see how God is dealing with me in the present moment and that is going a lot better. It turns on the Gratitude meter , and I find more joy in the daily journey.

I have the opportunity at intervals to talk to him. I sometimes stop by Pleasant Grove on my way home from work. As we talk over trivia, I am pretty much frustrated at Woody’s lack of understanding and willingness to talk about the issues of the past. I want to let it go but I am confronted by the past every time I see him. There has never been closure or resolution at all… The conflicting feelings of anger and angst, my concern that he will be spending a very long time in a parking lot because I have my doubts about his employability, and my desire to not be involved and the feeling that as a Christian I have a responsibility to help, after all one can get divorced, but one can never become unmarried to someone. All of this leaves me baffled and confused. I reach for my Conference Approved Literature and read about detachment and affirmations of self worth… I say Diane’s mantra over and over “I am worthwhile…I am worthwhile…” that seems to undo the predations of enduring Woody’s destructive behavior.

The darkness cycles. I see him, I do his laundry, the laundry of a homeless man with issues that make it a penitential act to do this. I think about how Jesus touched lepers, and cared for those people that others rejected. Woody is no longer feeling like a well loved child of privilege. I wonder how he feels. I have always hoped that I underestimate his level of feeling but much of the time it appears that he isn’t the feeler or thinker that I am. I fold the clean clothing and place it in a trash bag, and deliver it to a dark parking lot and ask God to help all of this make sense to me. I believe with all of my heart that He has a plan for each of us. We just need to have the will to pray for the will to carry it out

Labels: AA, Family History, Personal Growth, Relationships, Woody

August 29, 2009

Angels Watching Over Me

Angels watching over me... the angel fountain at Mt Sequoya conference center, Fayetteville AR

"...What we all see now is history repeating itself. The only blessing this time is that there aren’t any children involved. Enough damage was done to you for several lifetimes. You refuse to see what is before you. Your attitude is one of martyrdom and denial, not recovery and survival. Hiding behind your religion is a sin. Waiting for God to rescue you, yet turning away offers that don’t amount to what you want or think you deserve is also a sin. Pride and a sense of entitlement is not recovery. Every time something goes wrong or not the way you have planned you blame it all on someone else. Faith is a foundation for building a life, you are using it as a crutch to continue limping through your misery just like your mother always did
I know that if you’ve actually read to this point you’re angry. That’s OK. Maybe anger will drag you into reality. I’ve realized that my positive support has only enabled you to continue in your unhealthy delusions. I love you, I always have, I always will but I will no longer enable your self-pity. The offer of help is always open. We will never turn our backs on you. You are not alone, but like salvation, you must accept help to receive it...."


What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see. God gave his approval to people in days of old because of their faith.
By faith we understand that the entire universe was formed at God's command, that what we now see did not come from anything that can be seen.
So, you see, it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that there is a God and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him. Hebrews 11:1-3,6

Im probably going to get in trouble for writing this but I have found that sometimes communication by blog is more effective than an email...and of course, its my blog and if you dont like it dont read it...

I wasnt going to write about it. In fact I wasnt going to say anything at all. I found myself frozen in my soul at the verbiage that was tossed at me in these two emails received from a family member that I have opened up to trusted and believed understood me... I know that she loves me and means well but it is very obvious that she sees me thought the dirty lenses of a past that I didnt have much to do with. I feel too that getting this out will help me to free myself from the shame and blame that I seem to be shackled with by people that I care about.

Two weeks ago I was feeling very low and I sent off a email to this relative. I tried to express the fact that I feel that she has come a long way and no matter how bad her life was she still had the consolation of her sons,her parents, our extended family, and now her husband, who I do think is a great guy and I totally respect his stepping out to start a business ect.... where as I dont have that support at home and feel very alone. I have been though a lot in the past few months and wished that I had had kids to focus on. Yes it would have been harder but I wouldnt be alone...I would have a living part of myself beside me. Treasures, your kids are, even if they are not doing as well as you might want...

We have all fired off an ill conceived email, one that is not clearly written or written in haste. Sometimes the repercussions outweigh anything that was written, or tweeted or facebooked...Well this one brought up a back blast that I could not have dreamed would have happened. She feels that I have rejected her, slapped her in the face verbally and somehow demeaned the family that is "trying to help me" ( I havent gotten a play by play on how this "help" is supposed to work. I kinda think this might be part of the problem, I dont understand what "help" they want to give me, that I have somehow rejected...) That I am ungrateful, sick,blame everyone for my problems, and floundering in a past I left behind a long time ago, was the thrust of the entire message.

I have not put out there the portions of the email that scathingly detailed how the family came to the aid of my family as my father was waiting for Social Security Disability...it took three years to get that. I was 7-9 and obviously had no decision making ability with regards to what my parents did or didn't do. In fact neither did she, as we are the same age. What this was was an attempt to hurt me with a weapon that she knew would hurt me, the shame I feel when I think of my life growing up, in a church where because my Dad drank at all, and both of my parents were to a degree Bi-polar, we were looked down upon, and actually called the "church basket case family". Imagine living with that moniker attached to you?... I think that was really low...And it shows a huge misunderstanding of what our day to day lives were like. While our lives were certainly not Ozzie and Harriet, or even normal, the situation was not stereotypical either. We had good times and bad, happy and sad times, and we laughed a lot. My father was a sad drunk. Not an abuser, not a wife beater...just sad... His mental illness made it impossible for him to hold down a job, as the medications he took only partially helped him cope. So he drank to self medicate. Now, He promptly surrendered his monthly checks to my mom, and didnt rush off to a bar and spend it all on himself. He cared, in a way, that we were provided for, which is more than most drunks do. There was an option my mother could have tried, she could have joined Al Anon, as she was encouraged to do. She could have stopped buying him booze but she chose not to do that and enabled him. Her choice not mine. But I had food and a roof, and security. Things I do not take for granted today with my situation like it is... Yes, My mother clung to her religion all right but she was a schemer and a conniver as well. She was not willing to live within her means, and would spend in excess of her bank account, then expect a bailout. It was embarassing. I swore that I would never live that way and for the most part I have done that. She professed a faith but in practice she plotted and planned every stinking thing, if it didnt go her way she forced it. This is a true sign of Codependency, and she was one to the inth degree.

She learned this control thing from her mother who I believe was married to an alcoholic who got saved and gave up the bottle... Perhaps her grand parents were drinkers or some sort of impaired individuals, I will never know, what I do know is this, control was the name of the game and while we didn't have the boundaries we should have had in a lot of areas, we had some interesting house rules that color my affairs even today.

All of that being said, I am aware of my mother's issues. Her issues are not necessarily my issues. I have my own issues, they are all I am responsible for. I have a Program and daily I chose to work it, with varying degrees of sucess. I have lived a strong armed sobriety for 20 plus years. that isnt the best way to do that. I want to learn to Live and Let Live by faith and grace this time... One thing I am doing that she never did is trying to live One Day At A Time. Not allowing myself to worry so much about the future. I am concerned of course, that is what drives me out to look for work or something I can put my hand to to earn a living. God promises in His Word that he will give me my daily bread. That is Faith, not denial of reality. By chosing to stay chemically clean and sober, this means no alcohol, drugs, either perscription or street kine, I choose to live and feel all of my emotional pain and learn to deal with it in a orderly fashion. And I am doing it. That isnt denial, that is living a tough reality. I dont need Speed to wake up, a cocktail to wind down, and a downer to sleep. I need to get up when the alarm goes off, get my butt into the shower, and get the heck out there, its going to be a great day, and if its not fake it.

Because the alternative is not acceptable.

One sad thing is that when I answered the email. I cced several of my mother's sisters as well. I wanted to thank them in a public sense, for the love and concern that they showed me and mine during my younger years..I thought that if they had something to say they would at least acknowledge it...Not a thing. Truth is that if they cared they would contact me. For the mmost part, I am the one that tries to contact them... I dont blame them, they hardly know me. But that is the point isnt it? I have longed to be a part of the family, but for that to happen there needs to be a two sided communication, and that hasnt happened, not by phone, letter, email or facebook. I think its really sad.

Consequently, I feel alone. That is a feeling that I think is valid. Perhaps the reason now is that I need them more than ever, but they are afraid that like my Mother, who begged for extra money from every hand that would give it right up to the end, that I am the same way. Well, Im not. From the time I was out on my own till today I have stood on my own two feet, worked my butt off and asked for nothing from anyone. Now for the first time in my life, I am out of work, and facing homelessness, and asking for help. Not for a lifetime, but only until I get work and you can bet your sweet life that EVERY penny would be paid back. I dont want to be beholden to anyone. In truth all I want is work, I dont need to be taken care of, I dont need a money manager. I have lived on 12,000.00 since December with the few days of work I have gotten thrown in. Up until this month all of my bills and creditors were paid to date. I stuck it out here and got my house sold and the foreclosure off of my record. I think I am a damn good financial manager, what I am not is a good mate selector. And we have all been there as well.

So now that I have written my manafesto, I need to say one thing. I am tired. Its been a long haul to get to this point. I have done it while trying to muster up as much courage, dignity and grace as I can.I am responsible for whatever I did to get myself into this position, mostly loving and trying to live with someone that was not capable of empathy, and lived a secret life. I live with my mistakes and have tried to make amends where I can. From California to Hawaii to NW Arkansas and perhaps other places I have made the Journey. I have as Paul said, "fought the good fight.." there are a lot of times I want to lay it down and not get up. But I get up. I have over the past two years considered suicide as an option... Well I am still here...and living life "Just For Today" is helping me to get through that.

If belief in A God Who Sees is denial, then I am in denial. If faith that God will care for me in any fashion He chooses is a sickness, then I am sick. If living in the hope that God hears our prayers is being foolish, then I am a fool. I know that God is going to provide for me, I hope through a job in the next week. But until He chooses to do whatever he is going to do, I will try to keep the faith and trust that angels are watching over me...

Labels: AA, Faith, Family History, Relationships, Scenic Arkansas, scripture, working

July 20, 2009

Eagle Has Landed~ The 40 Year Anniversary of the Apollo Moon Landing

Lift Off Apollo 11, Photo courtesy of NASA archives

102:45:47 Aldrin: Mode Control, both Auto. Descent Engine Command Override, Off. Engine Arm, Off. 413 is in.

102:45:57 Duke: We copy you down, Eagle.
102:45:58 Armstrong (on-board): Engine arm is off. (Pause) Houston, Tranquility Base here. The Eagle has landed.

102:46:06 Duke: (Momentarily tongue-tied) Roger, Twan...(correcting himself) Tranquility. We copy you on the ground. You got a bunch of guys about to turn blue. We're breathing again. Thanks a lot.

102:46:16 Aldrin: Thank you.

you can read the entire dialogue here


They werent the only ones turning blue. We in my household were also parked in front of the tube, watching the flickering black and white picture as history was made and for us a difining moment in our family and the end of life as we knew it. My father had already been laid off from NASA and NAA, his employers and his dark night was to take on a deeper shade of grey


Planting the flag on the lunar surface Courtesy NASA archives

Every year on this day I write about my family. Not on their birthdays or holidays...this day because this was the day that transended all and defined us, certainly it shaped us. In the sacrifices of never having him at home during those earliest years. The financial depravations we suffered, and outright hardships endured, as my father underwent a massive breakdown as he watched his lifes work unfold in that screen. He was permanntly disabled mentally due to the stresses and overwork of that effort. The familial pain and outright neglect by both of my parents as they struggled through formed me and even now I am struggling to deal with some of these issues 40 years and two failed marriages later.

I am not going to retell the story but rather point you to some of my past posts

One Small Step... a new vision

One Small Step for a Man

One Giant Leap

"Because It Is The Hardest Thing I Can Do"

I saw the three Apollo astronauts today on Fox plugging the Mars mission effort. I am looking forward to seeing how things turn out with that.

I want to thank anyone and everyone that was involved in that effort that was such a great acheivemnt 40 years ago, that changed all of our lives forever. The technology developed for man's leap into space, touches every facet of all of our lives. Very little of todays basic convieneces would be around if not for the "space race" of the 1960's. Perhaps the way out of this recession is investment in a future effort in space, rather than the investment in AIG.

And to my Dad, who while wasnt the father I needed or he wanted to be, was pasionate about this effort. It captured his imagination and took him... this barely educated but briliant aircraft line worker, into a career beyond his dreams. I understand more today the destructive power of anger and unwillingnes to forgive and how it can ruin your life. It destroyed him. I pray for the repose of his soul, and ask God to forgive for my lack of forgiveness towards him. I pray that I too will have a landing soon at a Tranquility Base, where I can begin a new adventure of my own


Salute the Colors Courtesy NASA archives

Labels: Faith, Family History

July 19, 2009

Obadiah 1:4~ The Eagle Shall Land

tropical Skies over Hawksnest Ravine Metfield Bella Vista AR

A family friend told me that verse was read by Charlie Duke at the Houston Mission Control off microphone while the LEM was positioning for landing on the lunar surface. It is very appropriate for tomorrows anniversary


Though you soar aloft like the eagle,
though your nest is set among the stars,
from there I will bring you down,
declares the Lord.

Labels: Faith, Family History, Scenic Arkansas, scripture

June 29, 2009

The Anchor That Holds You

the anchor that held me, my newly forming Christian faith nurtured in the hothouse of Hosanna Calvary Chapel Bellflower California

How do we sink into hopelessness? A thousand ways. It can be one terrible event or a cascade of sorrows. We’re knocked off balance, then taken down too far to just get back up. It’s not that you don’t want to climb out of it, it’s that you feel helpless to act, you can’t figure out how to get past a loss, how to get back on top of your life.
Jennifer Hansen
Heart and Soul June 20, 2009

I held the brightly painted cup in my hand, the flowers of spring... tulips, hydrangeas and hyacinths decorated the pretty breakfast bowls and plates. A set of two, for a pair of newlyweds, that never celebrated the intimate breakfast times I envisioned. A wedding gift from a lady I came to know well, a lady I resemble now more than ever... I shed a tear for her, and for all of the lost dreams, as I quickly packed the dishes into the for sale box.

I dont think I ever understood her, as she lived her contrary life, at least to the way of thinking for the rest of the residents of Midway street. Originally from the Northeast she came to California to work in aerospace. She had a lucrative position with McDonald Douglas, and was making six figures...

She took her savings and money from her inheritance and bought tiny house on Midway street. She planted all sorts of growing things, and lived to herself...

One day the job went away, her savings lost in the dot come bust. She was a college grad, but couldn't get a interview..she had made too much money, was too eccentric, hated kids, so no teaching...She borrowed against her house to make needed repairs and to feed herself... months went by, years went by, until the money ran out.

The bank took a long time to foreclose and evict her. She held sales of her family antiques and I bought a few pieces, which I have enjoyed... some I am selling next month in my own sale to help defer my living expenses.

Barbara had no family left and we worried about where she would end up living. My little house had no extra space at 689 square feet. Most of the other had several kids, one had three generations under a small roof...

As we were having the neighborhood meeting, we failed to notice a shadowy figure leave a house that was known to the neighbor kids as the "haunted" house where the scary man lived... the scary man was Robert, once an engineer at Boeing, he had a Bi Polar episode that was so severe he was declared disabled. He gave up his apartment and moved into the desolate house that had stood vacant for the many years after his mother's death. He left the house to ride his bike to the market once in a while, go to the doctor on dial a ride or Barbara would take him...

Tattered and disheveled, he knocked on Barbara's door. The next thing you know Barbara is walking around to the overgrown gate pushing in to flatten the weeds and they went to the back. Behind the house was a large attached semi finished sun room. a small bathroom and outlets for electric were already there and required a touch of work to make them functional. Bob offered her the room, rent and utility free, in exchange for a bit of yard work... She needed a home... He needed the comfort of having a friend...we certainly had shamefully not extended our hands to him, but we did now. We neighbors pitched in, patched the roof, renovated the bootlegged bathroom. I donated fabrics, blankets and a large roll of used carpet that covered the cement slab. Barbara cleared the brush and weeds, and we all took plants from her gardens and transplanted them all over the neighborhood, and in Robert's yards. She also planted a large vegetable garden that helped to feed them both.

Barbara eventually became a perpetual student. She got grants and student jobs that helped to pay tuition and kept gas in her pick up truck. She would pick up part time work in the college library. Truthfully she thrived in the new situation with the release of her house and the academic environment. Robert came out more and joined in the gatherings of the local menfolk on Steve's driveway in the evenings... clean shaven and patched clothing courtesy of Barbara. Like a pair of cranky siblings they shared the house... Ten years later they were still in this arrangement as far as I know.

Barbara had the Anchor of Community to help her beat despair. I had two other friends that at the same time went through similar situations one a friend at Hosanna, who struggled with mental illness, lost her aerospace job and then her home. She became a student, a boarder in one home after another, then she was able to get a few small jobs, and lived alone for a short time. A few months ago she emailed me. Life in California had become too hard financially so she moved to Nebraska, to tend an elderly aunt and lives with her.

Another friend who has had a nearly two decade struggle with employment problems health problems and a very difficult life. We dated on and off for a time...He was brilliant, a former sound engineer with A&M, and RCA, a graphic artist that repaired backdrops for the movie industry, as well as ties to aerospace, which is what he was doing when we were together. He too was hopelessly eccentric, uber conservative ...we'd have verbal knock down drag outs over topics like speaking in tongues, eternal security and previenient grace. We desided we were unequally yoked dispensationally, and remained friends...He actually attended Woody's and my wedding. Once they closed the now infamous "skunkworks" in the San Fernando Valley, K. never had work in aerospace again. He worked odd jobs, sold things, and was badly injured in an accident. His injuries untreated because he had no health insurance.

He now lives in Death Valley with a long time roommate, in a home they bought for 4000.00 off ebay....Both men never married and are now retiree age and painfully disabled.. these three people have God as their anchor...I never understood their pain, their inability to cope, but I do now. And I am sorry that I failed to reach out to them when they needed me

I have hopes of finding work even still...I haven't given up hope. I too have an anchor that holds me...the understanding that God loves me, and will withhold no good thing from me, I just need to pray, trust, and go forth seeking the will of God... He is the anchor that holds me in the middle of the storms of life, and will be the Steersman that brings me home


Will your anchor hold in the storms of life,
When the clouds unfold their wings of strife?
When the strong tides lift and the cables strain,
Will your anchor drift, or firm remain?


We have an anchor that keeps the soul
Steadfast and sure while the billows roll,
Fastened to the Rock which cannot move,
Grounded firm and deep in the Savior’s love.

It is safely moored, ’twill the storm withstand,
For ’tis well secured by the Savior’s hand;
And the cables, passed from His heart to mine,
Can defy that blast, thro’ strength divine.

Priscilla Ow­ens, 1882

Labels: California, Family History, Friends

June 23, 2009

Moments of Maybe

My little house on Midway street Bellflower CA, since selling this house in 2001 I feel like I have been a vagabond, living out of a suitcase and a packing box...not finding a place of stability.

....Now we are being asked
to begin a journey
in which we have become comfortable...

Sometimes I wish God would just...
....stop doing this!...

I have a favorite chair...
My furniture fits in this house...
My dogs are familiar in this place...
I know how to find the things that I lose....
But... here we go again...

Then,
Somewhere
in the midst of all of
all of the mind numbing flurry
a remembered whisper

"Your favorite chair can be moved
and still be just as comfortable
You home is only a home
because I Am there.

Where do you think I Am going?

Being known is a matter of connection
not time or geography
And as for things lost...
Aren't they always?
When have I failed to find you?"

So...
May we begin this adventure.
I promise to hold on to you
if you will hold onto me
Let us give thanks together
For God, through Jesus Christ
has held us and will hold us forever!

from the unpublished poem "Re Appointment"
by Rev Sara Bainbridge, 2009

It seems that many of us are in the midst of change, I hear this from people I meet in the grocery store, and on temporary jobs and interviews. Between the economic changes due to reductions in income, job changes and enviromental shifts... as things deteriorate economically, for example because homes are foreclosed on your block your own house doesn't sell and you lose it and have to move... or a company closes and this has trickle down effects...

Friends of mine are expecting new babies, or are caring for parents with Alzheimer's... Some are taking family members in because they need a home, and others are giving up their homes, because they can no longer afford to live on their own, or cannot manage the home they have for some other reason.

My situation hasnt changed. I had a glimmer of hope that I had finally landed a job... really a dream job. I had had four interviews..passed the credit checks, a man had flown in for Kansas City to interview me and was enthralled at my story of building my jewelry store in the hostile economic climate of Hawaii. For this Jewery Executive it was his dream lived out... He wanted me on his best team... in the store in Fayetteville.

But the sales numbers for May were not up to par and his goal of expanding the sales force to increase the sales from 2 million to 2.35 million in this mall store were not justified. My hire got shot down by the numbers and people above my and Steve the distric manager's paygrade... I was devestated.

So I called my landlord, who is very sympathetic, but this situation is difficult and if I dont have a source of income by this time next month, he is going to put the home back on the market. I gathered that I would be allowed to stay until it sold but then I would need to get out... The problem with this is that I have to keep the utilities on and frankly I cant afford it...if I were working this wouldnt be an issue, but then I would be staying on at the cottage... as it stands I am going to have to be out soon, or employed...

I have temp work for this week. The pay is low but it will fill my tank and pay the phone bill this month. I worked for FREE last week for a day at one of the best transportation firms in the country... their home office is here in Springdale. It was in the Carrier Compliance dept, and I was taking faxes of Certificates of Authority and insurance binders, and updating carrier data. This is very important to keep updated because should coverage be canceled, and they use this carrier by accident and there is an accident, no insurance, and the company is in deep trouble. It was boring and well, not nice work, but I was glad to be there and show them that I was efficient and knowledgeable. While there I was interviewed by two managers who said that should they have a slot I would be considered ... They are still on hiring freeze and will be for 60 days but this gift of helping out was a seed sown. If I could go to work for these folks I could retire at this company...they are that amazingly great. But in the near term I have not too much lined up....

Several housing solutions are still under discussion I know that God will make a way for me. I am going through all of my stuff with ruthless abandon, hopeing and praying that God will send buyers for my things when I have my sale in July. I received a report from Woody that we have a pending offer on our home, I wont see any cash from that but it will be a load off of my credit report... no more late payments on that loan...

In these "moments of maybe", an expression my pastor used this week to describe the what ifs of life... These What should I do's of ordinary time...I sit and wonder. I love my home, but should I fight to keep it...Hasnt fighting gotten me to this place of penury. Pushing God to do what I want? I dont know I wonder sometimes but in truth, I am in this wilderness so I can learn to trust God with ALL of my heart. My friends with spare rooms and open hearts havent forgotten me and neither has God... So I will wait.

Another thing I am pondering. God made me just to love me, and for me to love Him in return. He will with hold no good thing. I must hang on to that as I ponder being in the "midst of maybe" myself... New doors will be opening. I must be ready to cross over the thresholds

Peartree Cottage swathed in Summer Green Bella Vista AR

Labels: Bella Vista, California, Family History, Friends, Pear Tree Cottage, Poem

June 02, 2009

Too Many Nevers

Afternoon Surf... North Shore Oahu

Post started 5-29-09

"When you remember me, it means that you have carried something of who I am with you, that I have left some mark of who I am on who you are. It means that you can summon me back to you mind even though countless years and miles may stand between us. It means that if we meet again, you will know me. It means that even after I die you can still see my face and hear my voice and speak to me in your heart..."

Frederick Buechner, "Whistling in the Dark" with a hat tip to Rev. David Fleming

Its been a really tough week...maybe one of the toughest weeks of my life. I just cant hardly believe that so much is going on at once. When I pause to think about it The torrent of greif, fear and sadness floods over me. I dont know how long I can continue this way, I really need a break, and God is the only one who can help me with that...

There have been "never again moments" all week long... every day I have had some and the tears have been non stop. Is this good? Maybe... The grief release is probably just what I need right now.

Well Hoku, I have had word that the Tribunal is set to do a final consideration at the Magesterial Court in Oaklahoma City, its a formality, and I am certain that you will get your annulment....

and with that, Monday was the end of my marriage to the Engineer. While this was a much sought after situation my heart twinged just a touch at the thought that in this life on earth or in heaven we were never truly married in the eyes of God or the church. For I loved him, like I have loved no other... he was fun and exciting and it was never a dull moment. I can still see his bright blue eyes and hear him calling to me with terms of endearment, something Woody rarely did. We have been apart 20 years this December yet it seems like only yesterday that we were together living yes not the life God would have had us live but we were in love and I have missed that all of this time...I doubt that I will know such crazy love again and I long for it sometimes when I hear the wild child I was howling in my soul....

I know this is very hard but no matter what we are going to forclosure on your home...you need to figure out how you are going to make the payments because if you dont there will be additional charges, to the tune of thousands of dollars...

The disaster of last tuesday is still haunting me...Not only am I losing the home Woody is living in but I am losing my home because I dont have the resources now to keep going here. two houses two homes... two people homeless. Its unbelievable. But I saw this coming last year...there was a part of me that hoped that Woody would feel the fear, the pain I felt... What a fool I was because a man that is numb from the chin down wont feel anything no matter what. Woody told me that afternoon that he no longer loved me that he felt nothing and that he didnt care that he didnt feel. Later on he called and tried to comfort me. But the emptiness, the lonliness and the loss... that I am losing a home and a husband sent me into a tailspin. I am also losing a false security, a false life really, that I held for years and I will never know that sort of comfort again

"Oh Hoku, she made me not tell you... Jean was like that you know. She was private to the extreme. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer back in March. She said she called you at Easter, that was a goodbye call. She went into Hospice and died peacefully this morning. She had very little pain..."

Aunt Betty Grace, was so upset, and I cried my heart out. Aunt Jean was 90 and full of days. I know she was with the Lord, and with her beloved Peter. But I will miss her. She was a living link to my father and his life. In the years since she regained the ability to be in touch with us, (she struggled with very severe mental illness most of her life...)she shared bits and peices of a different life and a different time. Most of all I hear words that ment a lot to me. She would remind me that my Dad loved me. I heard it more from her than I ever heard it directly from him

I cried not because I wasnt informed but because I cannot remember a word of that last conversation, and I took it for granted that I would speak to her again. I always told her that I loved her, and yes, the "never" of not being able to tell her that I love her again is a bittersweet.

The Judge:"This divorce is being petitioned on the basis of non consumation...
Ms. Kealoha...how long were you married to Mr.W?
13 years, sir...
You have my condolences, and your freedom upon the end of his hearing. You petition is granted..."

I dont think I need to elaborate with regards to my relationship with Woody. We are both glad that this is over and that we were couragous enough to tell the truth with regards to my resons for a divorce. The statements on those divorce papers belie the good times...the adventures, and the experience that we had.

There are those in my life who say "good riddance" but Woody is not trash to be thrown out. He is a broken person. He is a lost person, and sadly he has no one to help him. So its my hope to help him find some resources this week while I am looking out for myself. I wont be at peace if I think that Woody isnt in a safe place.so I am hoping to find him an advocate at the VA to start his disability paperwork.

I also have begun to work on the Magesterial Annulment for Woody's and my marriage. I may not actually need the same type of paperwork because I was technically never free to marry him in the first place, by cannon law.

The "never" is that while I was never a wife in fact, the divorce ends the waiting the praying the hoping that God would somehow repair the brokeness, and make the relationship into what it should have been. It makes me sad that this did not happen, it is not going to happen and by being honesst about it now I am free to find happiness where I will.

They know...For we all believed what my Father told us all one night in our living room... we were still in High School and one of our friends asked him if the women in his life still ment something to him and Dad said "yes" "If you truly loved someone and you think about them then they and their love for you and your love for them never dies"...

In my friends moving to Pine Bluff, my confronting the idea that I may need to move to Texas and not see my friends here in NW Arkansas again, the "nevers" regarding my quandry are enormous There have been too many "nevers" to confront this week. Please pray for my state of mind and for my job search. Having employment would go along way to improving my peace of mind....

6-2-09 There are a lot of people praying I can feel it as I move through my days. My mental state is a lot better. I am processing the grief, allowing it to register, but not impede my progress... in other words I would love to roll up in a little ball and stay that way but I cannot. I choose to survive this and that means action. I had 4 interviews yesterday including one out of the blue that is so amazing, that if I get this job it will be a dream come true and a LOT of work. But I am ready for that. This of course would resolve my housing situation, however because things are iffy still please pray. I have two different housing situations possible and the third being staying in place. Will know more in a few days.

Labels: Faith, Family History, Marriage, Personal Growth, Relationships, Woody, working

April 23, 2009

The Land Of The Springtime

A moment in time captured by my mother on a photo slide, then brought to life by her cousin Phillip Stack in pastels...one of my most treasured possessions

Oh yes, for this child of the desert, it was like I had stepped off of the airplane and into a dream. The blue-green sea water,and the pink sand beaches... yes pink from the shells that were crushed by the pounding waves. The bright blue sky turned golden in the evenings and billowing clouds brought blessed rain twice a day, The flowers and the green trees. The smell of fruits and the rustle of sugar cane leaves as the sea breezes blew... every day was nothing less than a miracle. I loved every aspect of my time there my life there in Majuagua, Learning Spanish, giving the missionary's children their school lessons, the evangelistic tent meetings we gave every Saturday night. Sometimes I strapped my accordion on and rode horseback to get to the little farming villages up in the hills, through the jungle, as there was no roadway, just a muddy dirt track. Oh, how they loved to sing the Christian songs... We lived in a house with a thatch roof on a farm... yes that is where the picture came from. My cousin Phillip drew it with pastels from a slide I took out the back door, of the drainage canal and the lovely palm trees. It was as much like heaven as I could dream of... Terra de la Primavera, the Land of the Springtime...

My mother never tired of talking about her time in Cuba as a missionary. Those years abroad shaped her and became the defining moments of her life. She said that she embraced the missionary call fully as a result of the death of the five missionaries that were killed during a first contact with a savagely primitive people, the Waodoni, once called the Acua, of Central Ecuador. The story was well told in the 2005 film "The End of the Spear" My hero and hers, Elisabeth Elliot, endured the loss of her beloved husband, and the seemingly wasteful end of a life's work there. Yes she and her daughter Valerie, and the sister of the pilot, Nate Saint, Rachel went and lived among these people and made an attempt to evangelize them, but they would tell you that the effort has had mixed success. I think that many of the young people that offered their lives up to the Call to fill the place of those martyrs might feel that way. I know my mother did as well.

I also think that mother found healing and purpose in the venture abroad. I do know that she had one romantic interest that didn't pan out. He has gone on to do very well for himself, as a pastor writer and professor at DTS. I dont know that time heals all wounds but her life would have been very different had different choices been made.


Cuba of the 1950's was a place in transition. Like so many countries in Latin America even now, its government was in the hands of a political dictatorship run by a strongman and his thugs at the behest of our own government here in the US. American business interests, along with organized crime flourished. Havana was fast becoming a hot spot in many ways both good and bad... The people finding themselves in the newly rising middle class lived well in the city, with those that were wealthy living very well.

In the countryside there was poverty but farmers owned there own land, earned a modest living. Their children received an elementary education at the village school. It was a typical Latin American country.

When Castro lead his armies south to north, his goal was not to become a satellite of the Soviet empire, it was to free the island of the foreign interests that control ed the islands food production, and to rid it of the Organized Crime bosses that were extorting large sums of money from people that were struggling. He was a Marxist, a socialist, and had ties to Che Guevara and the whole thing, but our history is slanted due to the events of the cold war. We interfered in Cuba's destiny from the day we wrested her from Spanish control. Like Porto Rico

I am no scholar about this subject I only know what I have been told by Americans that lived there prior to the revolution, and Cuban nationals I have met who lived there before and escaped after Castor overthrew the established government. I will not justify in any way what Castro has done... Even he would tell you... better yet I can repeat a story I was told years ago by Dan Wooding, founder of ASSIST ministries, an organization that was founded to assist the Underground/Oppressed church. He was a former journalist, who exposed the genocide in Uganda under Idi Amin to the world in 1978. Dan's credentials gave him access to El Presidente Castro, who invited him to Havana to discuss the revolution, the ending of the Cold War, Cuba's future and the future of the Church... True to form Dan brought the conversation to God and the Eternal Destiny of every person. He asked Mr. Castro about his early faith in God, and begged him to return to God, that he forgives and accepts everyone. They were driving south to Santiago, and there was a long silence. Castro sighed and thanked Dan for his concern and then said that "God and Jesus and His Holy Mother could never forgive him for the evil he had done..." Then he turned and there were tears running down his face. Grief or guilt remorse or repentance...we will never know

Castro had no hidden communist agenda. But he was a Marxist socialist. He nationalized the industries that were at one time control ed by foreign interests. He kicked the mafia out and those that were in bed with them. This angered American businessmen. The collectivisation of agriculture looked too much like Communism and no one in the US government would assist in any of these dealing. When Mr Kruschev and his henchmen came a calling, Cuba couldn't say no. And its been a marriage made in hell ever since. We slapped an embargo on the island, The USSR imported missiles, bombers and battalions along with the food and medical supplies.

Cuba under this intolerable situation has lived with grit and determination so typical of island folk. they can boast of the highest literacy rate in the hemisphere, with a medical establishment that is one of the best that can be found under the circumstances. The people, even the farming people are well read and well versed in cultural classics. It is a nation waiting to be reborn.

My mother's work was not in vain, for in the wake of the Revolution, people remembered the words of the missionaries, the pastors and the priests, and clung to their faith. In 1998 Pope John Paul II came and spend a week there and led masses that attracted thousands. I believe he hoped that his visit would encourage the US to ease up on restrictions on trade and travel, and the government to release prisoners of conscience, and ease the pressures against religious practice. It had little effect, at least on the surface...who knows what effect it had on people's hearts

Truth is that the Embargo has done little to effect change in the government, it has only hurt the little people, the children and family of expatriate Cubans in America. The lifting of trade and travel restrictions will only improve the living conditions of the people, and the fact is, that meeting real Americans is often the turning point towards liberation from totalitarianism. It certainly shows a reality that is far different from government propoganda and "reality" TV shows...

Cuba may never have the type of government that we think she should have... but I sense with the events of the past weeks that a thaw in relations is in the offing. I have been approached by family members to consider making the journey to retrace my mother's steps. I want to do that with all of my heart. Perhaps one day I too will be enchanted by the Land of the Springtime, and perhaps the long winter of Cuba's isolation from her neighbor to the north will come to an end

Labels: Current Events, Dreams, Family History, Traveling

April 13, 2009

A Life Well Lived

Flowering trees taken off the Upper patio of the First United Methodist Church Bella Vista AR

Written 4-9-2009

Its Holy Thursday and I have enjoyed listening to the services on EWTN. They are showing the evening service from Rome, presided over by the Pope... in the church of St John Lateran, I think my favorite of the churches in Rome that I have seen photos of, very beautiful

I am also engaging in a personal ritual. Every year or so, this time its about 13 months, I finish one personal journal and start a new one. This will occur in the next few weeks and I wanted to have the new one selected and ready.

This process usually means my digging in my cedar chest formally known as my "hope" chest, but after two failed marriages there is not much hope there. I have my journals stored in it now to protect them from humidity and the elements. There are 40 completed journals beginning from 1978 till now. Some are in better condition than others, the cheap paper caused the inks to fade, others are as bright as the day I penned the words... thousands of hours of prayers, reflections and narrative... my life bound up in ink, paper and cloth...with insertions of clippings photos and little bits of life. For example... I found a mat clipped from Annabelle's coat a week after her death, the lump of silky hair missed the waste basket. From trash to treasure... I kissed the tiny bit of my beloved and placed it between the pages of my current journal where I noted her untimely passing and my torrent of grief...

I also found a very good photo of my mother that I didnt know that I still had that fell from the pages of one of my journals... I have so few from those last few years of her life. This was taken before Parkinson's hardened her face into a twisted scowl.She was happily riding on a friends borrowed Rascal scooter, Dreaming of her own I think. She was to cannive her way into ownership of a Rascal, just when she could no longer manage it. she took it out and lost control of it and rant the thing off the sidewalk and tumbled her out of it... The Bellflower police brought her home and the nursing home took the keys away from her... Sadly the scooter languished on a uncovered patio, while the payments racked up. These ads on TV for the "scooter store" that tease seinors into buying something they cant afford are criminal. The thing promised freedom that she couldnt afford and couldnt manage. I shed a few tears for the frustration and pain she endured in those last years... it wasnt easy for her...

When I look at my journals, which is not often really, I can spend hours reliving the past in them. I am amazed at what I write about and what I dont write about. The pages of prayers and reflections on Biblical studies in the Hosanna years of 1988 to 1996, and how my writing abruptly changed... How all of my life in Hawaii spanned only four volumes, how thankful I am that I blogged and took all of the pictures otherwise it would all seem like a dream

I said a lot about my mis adventures while married to the Engineer, but nothing specific enough to use in my Magesterial Annulment. Too bad as I really need some help here.

4-13-09

But I think what made me the saddest was the pages and pages of rage directed at Woody and our relationship, and the pages of tear stained missive of how lost I have been over the years, spiritually since the Calvary Chapel debacle. In counseling this past week Susan, my new therapist, and I touched on how the "Offense" that we receive from another Believer or another can be a vehicle for the enemy of our souls to impede our growth as persons and as children of God. I know this to be true.

The two situations are linked. Now that I have been apart form Woody for the better part of a year I have really been able to move forward away from both issues and see real healing in my life. The proof is the forgiveness I have been able to freely give to other "offenders" like Linda the gal from Birmingham, or even the Vet that cared for Annabelle and maybe didnt do all that he could have. I see a peace that I have not had as far as the past goes that I didnt have a year ago.

Looking backwards is a useful tool if you have an objective means to do so. My journals provide that. True, they are subjective because it is only my view of events but I try to be as true to myself as I can be

As I was going through the chest I found the huge stack of letters that I have saved over the years, Certainly not every letter that I have ever received, If I did that I would have a pile big enough to fill my garage floor to ceiling! No these were letters from old boyfriends and old cards and things... A lot could go with no regrets and I re read some of them and had a laugh and tossed the rest unread. The bundle halved I retied the ribbons and stowed the much smaller pile away

Some times I need to dig through some of this for perspective. I have had a good life. And its only maybe half over God willing. I want to be more present in the moment... More intentional about caring for others and for myself...less concerned about the past mis steps and those things I cannot control and lastly more trusting in the God Who Sees me, Who knows me and all that I am. All that I have and all that I am is from Him. I need to learn to believe that He is for my good and that the rest of my life will be just as well lived as the first half was





Abigail playing with her pink doggie... I miss the little mutt let

Labels: Annabelle, Church, Faith, Family History, Marriage, Personal Growth, Woody

March 06, 2009

Walking Alone

Walking trail at Bella Vista Lake

The weather is so beautiful, I cant hardly believe how warm and nice it is. Perfect for walking. So I am trying to get out...but it has been so hard...

I am missing my walking partner

Not so long ago I walked by myself, and thought nothing of it. And perhaps it will be that way again, but for now the pain is nearly unbearable. I see people with their little shihtzus, even dogless people happy and smiling. I look at my world and everything is just broken...

I got a call last night, The Census people wanted to hire me... I missed the call and now cant get through, It was a job...a paying job. I dont know if they will call back

My friend Linda hasnt spoken to me in a week. I have called, gone by the house and emailed. Their dogs are home, and when I come to the door, they bark then stop...I think she is there, but doenst want to see me. I can think of a few reasons why but tell me ok so I can understand and slink off to the rock that I crawled out from under. If she is mad at me I wish she would be mature enough to tell me.

Walking today was so painful I found myself saying...Lets go! Lets go! to the tiny ghost walking with me. I found myself just breaking into sobs... I dont think any one of the myriad of people in my life have the slightest grasp of how I feel.

I know that people do know how I feel it is just so crushing. I saw this video on MSN and it really encouraged me to not let all of this get me down It is now 10 pm ten hours later... after I started this post I realized that I was in a bad way, so I showered and left early. I went to lunch...to my favorite Chinese place...it is my birthday after all and why not... I am retaking the Insurance class this week. It isnt my first choice of a career but I am going to try. I had some other interviews this week that went very well so we shall see. It is just so hard to wait and see...

One of my errands was to Dr Eric to take back the medications that Annabelle didnt need. He sat me down and told me that the tests came back and Bella's death was due to a severe bacterial infection, not Parvo. I am not under any sort of quarantine, no steam cleaning of carpets needed and to go get another furry friend if I wanted... He told me again how sorry he was that he thought that she was rallying when he let us go home, but she was too far gone and gave up after I put her into her bed for a bit of rest. God has a reason for taking her. I need to trust Him. But the pain and the odd feeling of something missing in my life is unbearable.

I need to say this...losing her I think is making me a healthier more whole person. I feel like I am in touch with feelings that have been suppressed for a long time. Truthfully, I found myself not crying or getting upset because it upset Annabelle so much. Imagine having to have a stiff upper lip for the sake of the dog! (smile) But I also gained in self control...the good kind and I am glad for that....

I have had a lot of people die in my life, not just of old age or catastrophic illness, though watching a young friend die of AIDS in the 80's was about the worst... Still not my parents nor my friends who have died elicited this depth of grief. I have had four friends commit suicide in my life time, had another friend in High School who was murdered by the Freeway Killer, William Bonin. At a low point in my life I made a sudden new friend, like I did Linda recently, only to have her die a few months later of a massive heart attack at age 49, I mentioned her in this post way back when... I believe in that little poem in the post that we have to live in the now...today... Love today live today.. I heard the Kenny Rogers song "One Life" this morning and I sang along with the radio to the little ghost that sometimes I can still see pirouetting around me as I do housework today...

If there's a way of makin' time stand still for good
I haven't found it yet
If I could love you for eternity, I would
But I regret

I've only got one life; I've only got one life
An' one lifetime's just not long enough to live
I've only got one heart; I've only got one heart
And I wish I had a hundred more to give
Girl, there's so little time and so much I want to do
But I've only got one life to love someone like you.

Can't take my eyes off you, I'm afraid of what I'll miss
It goes by so fast
So I'll treat each moment that I've been blessed, with you
Like it's the last.

I've only got one life; I've only got one life
An' one lifetime's just not long enough to live
I've only got one heart; I've only got one heart
And I wish I had a hundred more to give
Girl, there's so little time and so much I want to do
But I've only got one life to love someone like you.

I dont know if it is right to take on another responsibility just now with my life in such turmoil, I have a lot of misgivings about it, but on the other hand I see doggies on Craigslist that need a home, and think, what is a little food. a walk and a snuggle worth? Priceless.

I look at the website for Annabells Breeder and had a good cry when I watched this Precious

The lady accross the street who is Doggie Mom to an aged Dacshund named Oscar...a wistful admirer of Annabelle.... said she would help me by coming in and pottying my new baby should I chose to get another dog and need help with that,once I get a job... but i dont know how long I will be here if I dont land a job soon. Moving again just scares me, but I am preparing for that possibility. Where is another question...

Im paring down my stuff that I took out of the house with Woody... for example, I have started to go though my craft things, I have boxes and boxes of fabrics. I want to eliminate that to a box or two of special peices to keep. I would like to be sewing again soon, But I have a lot of stuff that I just will never use so its bye bye to that and off to the Cosy Shoppe where I have a consignment stall I sold a bunch of stuff last month, gave me a little bit of cash. I also went to the clothing consignment store where there was another c note waiting for me. I put a ton of stuff on consignment before I went to Louisville, and the payoff was nice.

Its easy to be afraid. We were talking about investment vehicles tonight and I found myself thinking that in 20 years I will be old enough to retire and I have NOTHING saved up, I was counting on Woody and our paid off house and a lot of things that are not going to pan out. I find myself becoming paralysed with fear but I know that God cares and its His job to provide for me when the time comes...

And perhaps that is the lesson of this hour, this time, and this year of my life. I can depend on no one, no creature, no anything, but God alone, and as I grow another year older, another year healthier, mentally and physically and another year stronger, spiritually and emotionally, I am grateful to Him Who Gives above anything we can ask or think of. Thank you God for another year of life and for all that came my way great and small, and for whatever is to come.

Labels: Annabelle, Bella Vista, Family History, Personal Growth, working

November 17, 2008

Make Lemonade

Dawn over the Ozarks, The Greens at Tanyard Creek, Bella Vista Arkansas...

post started nov 15 2008 3 am

While the deteriorating economy was the biggest problem for the market, two other issues seemed to weight on markets.

One was skepticism Friday that the Group of 20 conference this weekend in Washington, D.C., would produce major results.

The other was whether Congress could get economic stimulus legislation passed in the lame-duck session opening next week. The biggest concern seemed to be whether a rescue package for the domestically headquartered auto industry could be enacted before a major crisis erupted.

The issue is already wrapped up in post-election politics. President Bush called on Congress to give U.S. auto makers quick access to a $25 billion federal loan program by dropping a requirement that the money be spent on converting to fuel-efficient vehicles. Democrats want to tap into the $700 financial rescue pool.

Market volatility will probably continue next week. Reports on wholesale and consumer inflation are due Tuesday and Wednesday.

Plus, investors will have to digest a new round of gloomy earnings reports from retailers Target (TGT,) and Lowe's (LOW, ) on Monday and Home Depot (HD, news, msgs) and Pacific Sunwear (PSUN, ) on Tuesday.

Retailers including Nordstrom (JWN,), Kohl's (KSS,), Best Buy (BBY, ) and Abercrombie & Fitch (ANF,) issued dour outlooks this week, and the government's report on retail sales was taken as confirmation that consumers are simply not spending like they used to.

It suggests, as Lakshman Achuthan, managing director at the Economic Cycle Research Institute in New York put it, "Not only is no economic recovery on the horizon, but the economy is falling off a cliff at its fastest pace in at least six decades."

At the same time, a big question for many traders is whether the market's huge rally on Thursday is the signal that a bottom for the stock market is forming.

The Dow was down 266 points on Thursday morning, with the S&P 500 and Nasdaq Composite breaking well below their lows of October, when a powerful buying surge hit the market. The finish pulled all major indexes well above their closing lows on Oct. 27.

Bottoms take time to form, usually months. The market hit a low in October 2002, for example, and tested it many times before finally breaking sharply higher six months later.

Stocks briefly pulled off opening lows after the University of Michigan consumer sentiment index came in higher than expected. The survey showed a reading of 57.9 in November, slightly higher than the reading of 57.6 in late October. Economists expected a reading of 56.5.

Crude oil closed at $57.04 a barrel, down $1.20 from Thursday and 6.6% on the week. Crude had been as low as $55.69 early in the day. Worries about demand have steadily pushed oil down from its record closing high of $145.08 on July 12.

Meanwhile, gasoline prices continue to fall. The average price of a gallon of unleaded regular gas was down 3 cents to $2.15, according to the AAA Daily Fuel Gauge Report.

Last month, gas averaged $3.13 a gallon.

November is turning into a lousy month

taken from the Market Dispatches report of 11-14-2008
By Charley Blaine and Elizabeth Strott
reporting for MSN

Well, things are not looking too good for anyone, between investment income falling to nothing...and the principal itself shrinking, to the young people around here losing their jobs. Hoku, I think you are making the right decision. You are being a shrewd business woman and not a coward. People arent spending money on extras just now... You dont think you have enough money to do what you need to do...things have gone to hell in a handbasket in your home and you have people interested in possibly giving you a good paying job. Id say go for it. You took a risk quitting and going on to pursue your dream, now just put it on hold for a bit and see how things go...get things in order here (at the new house) and take care of yourself first...

my new lease/mortgage holder "Chuck" a former oil man now retired early and having to dump his rental property to keep food on his table...Yikes!

You know the quality of the tea only when you soak it in hot water and give it a squeeze... Corrie Ten Boom

When Life hands you lemons, make lemonade... my Mother and most of the other ladies in her family use this one...

The past two weeks have been very difficult... heck that is an understatement. I am not always sleeping through the night, waking at 3 or 4 am with thoughts racing a mile a minute..."what am I going to do? What is the right decision? should I do this? Or wait?..." It has been really difficult for me to get through the day...

I took posession of the house on Witherby Drive on the 15th. As I unloaded the cartons on the van from the trek from Louisville I began to absorb the anormity of the situation and what it means to me. I am a home owner...yes at the expense of being a business owner. I had come to realize over the night before that while I have enough cash to build out and buy tools, that was it. I didnt have any extra left to keep things going both at the new house and at the business...In fact I had no reserves left at all. I checked my figures again and again and its true. I never planned for the extended stay in Louisville to cost as much as it did and for things to deteriorate on the home front to this extent. Woody is flat out not in a position to support himself let alone the two of us and the Business plan was based on the idea that I would live with him, he was going to get a job while I was gone ect... didnt happen isnt going to happen and I need to accept that.

So I am praying and thinking about what to do. I went and filed for unemployment benefits. I was astounded at what the amount was per week and hope and pray that I get them.I am applying for work back in the freight biz as there are no jewelry jobs available; even with the holiday times just around the corner.

The setting up at the new house takes money too, from turning the power on the buying appilances. Used would work if it was available but folks keep their stuff here till it rusts so I am buying new and I got a good deal. I am also taking time to replace things like my broken baking pans and 28 year old stainless steel pans that are just ugly. I have gotten the use out of them for sure. I have picked out a set of Rachel Ray in a sunny yellow color.. That is making lemonade visually.

As far as using the new skills I learned at Jewelers school I am thinking about going ahead and setting up a bench in the garage and practicing there. The pop out space is plenty big and can be partitioned off into a nice sized room. I can also put my sewing machines out there and do my sewing...something I have wanted to get back to for a very long time. The time is now. I wont have money for cable, so do something productive with the hours I have been spending in front of the tube. I can take in repair work from friends and pehaps develope a reputation. Who knows...

And the retail space. I am going to see about sub leasing it. Even for a year it would be worth it to not have that payment and to give myself a chance to get settled and get some money in the bank...

This is as hard a thing as I have ever done and it kills me...but I seem to getting used to the pain these days...one painful deal after another... Its hard to see how I will ever rise up again. I know that I will. God is in this I feel it and I know that I need to really try to be paitent and wait and see how things turn out... in the mean time stop and have a glass of lemonade... it was made with all of the love I had for my dream. Take a deep breath and see what happens next...

Labels: Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Breaking News, Business start up, Dreams, Family History, Marriage, Woody, working

November 11, 2008

Home Ts Where The Heart Is

Locust Grove, built in the early 1800 by the sister of George Rogers Clark, founder of Louisville, and liberator of the Northwest Territories, Locust Grove park, Louisville Kentucky

Post started nov 8, 2008

I think its one of the most basic feelings that we have as human beings...the need to belong and have a place that is ours to say "this is my home". It doesn't always mean a roof over our heads as some tribes in the Amazon live in semi sheltered environments but they have a sense of place...from the Bedouin and his tent to the Roma woman and her wagon to the now nearly extinct Gypsy Trucker living out of his cab, the nomad has a sense of place. For most of us this means a roof and walls, heat and light, and something to rest our weary bodies upon after a long hard day. For those of us in the west we are the most blessed in this area with the poorest of us having luxurious shelters compared to most people in the world.

my little white shack reborn 6 years after I sold her. New paint roof and porch railing took what I had done a long way


I have been blessed to have lived in nicer homes than most...only once in what would be called "substandard" housing but that little wood framed house on Midway st. didn't stay "substandard" for long as I renovated it into a little doll house. "Midway 'round the Bend" I called it. Giving that name from the directions given to me to find it "Go down Flower to where it becomes Flora Vista then when you get to Chicago go left to Midway, as you go round the bend you will see it right away..."and so on It was also "midway" because I never had the money or the ability to finish the renovation and sold it as is before we moved to Hawaii in 2001. I made a killing on it as far as profit goes but it was mine...not Woody's and my place and since then I have felt or been made to feel as though I have been living in someone Else's home...

My castle in paradise Hale Puu Honua Pahoa Puna Big Island of Hawaii


We bought a lovely ranch house in Hawaiian Shores subdivision about 25 miles southeast of Hilo on the Big Island. I named that home "Hale Pu'u Hounua",(home a place of refuge). We arrived just after the 9-11 attacks and thought that we had perhaps come to a place of peace and safety. A place where we could start over and have a new life together...Aloha outside aloha inside...Unfortunatly home is always where you are at and the struggle that Woody and I had on the mainland didnt go away just because we changed zip codes. I struggled to make that home mine as I struggled to adapt and deal with life on the island. I never did quite get that house to feel like home, no matter what I did. I worked long hours at the store and didn't have the help I needed from Woody or anyone else to keep up with the kind of maintenance that is required in that wet hostile environment.It was all we could do to keep food on the table and the creditors at bay...The neighbors were hostile, the churches we tried unwelcomming... From mold to foot long venomous centipedes to the flying cockroaches it was a constant battle. I felt the house resisted my efforts at every level just as Hawaii resisted our becoming truly a part of her fabric of life there. I let go of that home and that life with few regrets other than the pain of losing the intimate touch one has with the spirit of Hawaii when you actually live there...if you are open to it. I joined the Hawaiian Diaspora and like so many others long for a day when I can return even to visit...

my dream house in the trees Hale Pau'Hana Huakai Bella Vista NW Arkansas


Coming to Arkansas was a prayer to God of "let me come home and settle, be a wife, join a church become a part of the fabric of life here and live happily everafter..."I thought that I had a commitment from Woody for that exact thing...that I could be a wife and homemaker. As we renovated the house I was ablle to incorporate details that I love ... It reflects a lot of my personality and my desire to make this house cosy, warm and hospitable. I had big dreams but they didnt last long. I have never completely unpacked from the voyage accross the seas. I took a job that I thought would inspire a similar effort from my husband, and as my readers know that has not been the case. The house I named Hale Pau'ana Huakai (home after the long journey)but the journey has not ended. I have struggled with my husband over expectations that while resonable, he can never meet. Because I am always working and have had little free time, I havent been able to really settle in and make this place my own. My home has not ceased to look like a moving and storage facility even though we have gone through nearly every box. When we chose to take separate bedrooms I moved all of my home office and library into the master bedroom creating a crowded cluttered space that screams "failure" everytime I walk into it. The bed is new and very comfortable but I get no rest. I feel like I am sleeping in the stacks of a library. Since returning home from Louisville I have developed an allergy to the cats that is severe and requires that they stay out of my space. I am effectively cut off from the rest of the house and live in my half for now.

The pile of apartments on the ninth green Legends of Indian Springs Louisville KY


I realized while I was in Louisville that by living in solitary less cluttered conditions I was more at peace and content. I knew that this would mean moving out on my own and leaving behind a large portion of my "things" I know this is the right thing to do for many reasons. first I lived quite happily without this stuff for seven months. That tells me a lot. Two I am ready to make a big change in style. I fell in love with a very modern sofa this week and realized that this is my chance to redecorate and do something new that fits my new outlook on life. On top of that Woody paid for 90 percent of our furniture and stuff so he should get to keep it.

I am looking at a lot of homes right now it is amazing to me how many are available with terms that are astounding to say the least. I started with a leasing company tha we first used when we arrived here. I contacted them on line and they ran my credit while in Louisville. I hope to find something in the next few weeks that will suit and I can get settled in soon. Woody is very supportive and has even gone out with me to look at properties and made sugestions. I find it strange that he would asist his runaway wife in finding a new nest but then I dont understand a lot of things about him and perhaps need to step back and think about this whole adventure of a life together. No blame attached. Just understanding.

Mark my counselor in Louisville asked me to look for small things that tell me about Woody and how he feels. I see them, from his brilliant attempt to clean up to his heroic drive to get me home from Louisville and trying this past week to be sweet and good as I try to find my bearings here in Bella Vista. I am constantly reminded that home is where the heart is... I need to find my heart...somewhere I lost it in all of this moving around

Labels: Bella Vista, Family History, Hawaii, Kentucky, Louisville, Marriage