April 04, 2010

The Greatest Gift

The Table of Our Lord, the Altar of St Francis of Rome Church Clifton, Louisville KY

The eternal spring is hidden
in this living bread for our life's sake,
although it is night.
It is here calling out to creatures;
and they satisfy their thirst,
although in darkness,
because it is night.
This living spring that I long for,
I see in this bread of life,
although it is night.
- St. John of the Cross


"The Bread that we need each day to grow in eternal life, makes of our will a docile instrument of the Divine Will; sets the Kingdom of God within us; gives us pure lips, and a pure heart with which to glorify his holy name, "
- Edith Stein

"Were it not for the constant presence of our divine Master in our humble chapel, I would not have found it possible to persevere in sharing the lot of the lepers in Molokai...The Eucharist is the bread that gives strength... It is at once the most eloquent proof of His love and the most powerful means of fostering His love in us. He gives Himself every day so that our hearts as burning coals may set afire the hearts of the faithful,"
- Blessed Fr. Damien, Apostle of the Lepers


"Let us go with confidence to the throne of grace that we may obtain mercy and find grace,"
- (Heb. 4:16)

Father, now Saint Damien Molokai’i ae, is one of the two holy people that have gone before me, that I have selected to be my patrons. The other is Edith Stein, in religion Teresa Benedicta a Cruse, a Jewess who converted to Christianity then after ten years of teaching was received into the Carmelite Order. St. Damien died of leprosy contracted in conjunction with his ministry. St. Edith was murdered for simply being of a certain race. The communion of Saints has always been a reality for me. I never believed that those that die are not alive. They are living on another plane, another dimension. And that they are there for us

I have been asked by many “Why would you change your faith or your religion at this time of your life?...” “ What was it that drew you to this Church so full of controversies and contradictions…” A church that is daily reviled in the news, insulted in the press and scorned by many of my friends who left her angry confused and hurt… A church misunderstood, called stone age, irrelevant, woman hating, superstitious, filled with heresies, idolatry and untruth. None if this is true of course…

Was it the leading of John Michael Talbot, (who said to me recently that becoming a Roman Catholic made him a better Methodist. That by following Christ by studying the example of St. Francis of Assisi, he has become better conformed to Christ in the image of John Wesley…) or my Methodist minister friend,( who was supportive but I think perplexed…). Both have been called by one angry friend “false prophets” but they have had little to do with this journey. They have encouraged me but not pushed me in any direction.

Was it the long period of no church attendance, then the plunge into a liturgical experience over the past few years? Was it my own disgust at the way praise and worship has become top 40 songs that make Jesus sound like He is your girlfriend, and worship leaders treated like rock stars…or how the “Bible” church go-ers have become modern day Pharisees, judgmental overfed sheep that cant make their way out of the feedlot of their churches into the world that sorely needs what they have been so carefully taught!... Is it the incredible narrowness that I have seen in fundamentalist congregations or the outrageousness of some Pentecostal gatherings where people growled like dogs, and flopped on the floor in a crazed abandon, spouting nonsense.

"What Christ gives us is quite explicit if his own words are interpreted according to their Aramaic meaning. The expression 'This is my Body' means this is myself"
Karl Rahner

In fact it was the Calvary Chapels, the verse by verse exposition of the scriptures and the mantra of their founder Chuck Smith…”Read the Word-What does it say?” that propelled me in an all out search for the Truth. It was 10 years ago, as I was reading Kathleen Norris’s “ Amazing Grace, A Vocabulary of Faith” that I decided to look at what Catholics believed and why they are viewed differently than any other “brand” of Christianity. I read two passages of scripture below with “Catholic” eyes... That study totally rocked my theological worldview

John 6:48-69
I am the bread of life. Your fathers ate the manna in the wilderness, and they died. This is the bread that comes down from heaven, so that one may eat of it and not die. I am the living bread that came down from heaven. If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever. And the bread that I will give for the life of the world is my flesh.”
The Jews then disputed among themselves, saying, “How can this man give us his flesh to eat?” So Jesus said to them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day. For my flesh is true food, and my blood is true drink. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood abides in me, and I in him. As the living Father sent me, and I live because of the Father, so whoever feeds on me, he also will live because of me. This is the bread that came down from heaven, not as the fathers ate and died. Whoever feeds on this bread will live forever.” Jesus said these things in the synagogue, as he taught at Capernaum.
When many of his disciples heard it, they said, “This is a hard saying; who can listen to it?” But Jesus, knowing in himself that his disciples were grumbling about this, said to them, “Do you take offense at this? Then what if you were to see the Son of Man ascending to where he was before? It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh is of no avail. The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life. But there are some of you who do not believe.” (For Jesus knew from the beginning who those were who did not believe, and who it was who would betray him.) And he said, “This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless it is granted him by the Father.”
After this many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with him. So Jesus said to the Twelve, “Do you want to go away as well?” Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.”

James 5:14-16
Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

These scriptures are explicit in their clarity. I have read commentary and discussed these with a number of learned people and I am convinced that they are literal and to the point. That Jesus, was saying that He himself would become a Spiritual Food somehow…and that I was to confess to a human and that I would be forgiven…. I am no scholar no theologian, but what the Bible said was what the Church teaches and has taught since the earliest times and this is what convinced me that the fullness of Christian life is to be found in the Roman Catholic Church.

You can be a Christian and not be Catholic, you will go to heaven if you have faith in Jesus, but if you want the fullness of historic Christian tradition, you aren’t going to find it in the feel good mega churches or by staring at a tree in your back yard… You will find it in the depths of the mystery of the Church founded by Christ Himself

Yes… there are many other things that lead me to “Cross the Tiber… I love the pageantry, the theater of the Mass, the many readings of scripture and the comfort of knowing that you are going to get what you get every time you go…But the two things among the many, Two Sacraments of Seven…. They were the clincher. I have written on one of them, Reconciliation and Absolution. The other is the Eucharist… The Real Presence… The Holy Communion that can only be found in Holy Mother Church and her daughters of Orthodox traditions... Sadly it cannot exist in the churches of the separated brethren that I have known all of my life. I am convinced that only consecrated priests that can trace their ordininal lineage back to the Apostles have the authority to consecrate the elements. Anything else is only a symbol, a symbolic ceremony that anyone can perform and if it treated that way, I have no problem with this, but in churches like the Methodist church where only a handful of its ministers have this traceable authority (for example,if there are any women in the line of ordination that will disqualify you for starters) this is a huge issue. There has to be authority, if there isnt then my puppy could confect the sacrament… My friends, if the Holy Sacrament is merely symbolic why should we care…this has been a question that I have asked myself for a long long time

"The Bread of heaven puts an end to symbols."
- Office for the Feast of Corpus Christi

I have seen communion services treated like picnics or free for alls that leave a huge mess on the floor. Yes I have also seen reverence and dignity, but I have also seen it done carelessly and with no thought to what is being said by the foolishness, Worse was seeing it done by rote week in and week out with no explanation. I have been in churches that don’t have communion but once a year, and I have seen Open Tables which are a mockery of scripture in 1 Corinthians 11:27-32

Whoever, therefore, eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty of profaning the body and blood of the Lord. Let a person examine himself, then, and so eat of the bread and drink of the cup. For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body eats and drinks judgment on himself. That is why many of you are weak and ill, and some have died. But if we judged ourselves truly, we would not be judged. But when we are judged by the Lord, we are disciplined so that we may not be condemned along with the world.

The Eucharist is for Believers not Seekers. Being a seeker is great I have been one for many years. I went forward and was "blessed" by different priests in different settings. I was not in the least embarrassed to be different. I want what God wants and political correctness for the sake of inclusion has no place here. We really need to get over this...

"The Blessed Sacrament is indeed the stimulus for us all, for me as it should be for you, to forsake all worldly ambitions. Without the constant presence of our Divine Master upon the altar in my poor chapels, I never could have persevered casting my lot with the lepers of Molokai; the foreseen consequence of which begins now to appear on my skin, and is felt throughout the body. Holy Communion being the daily bread of a priest, I feel myself happy, well pleased, and resigned in the rather exceptional circumstances in which it has pleased Divine Providence to put me."
- Blessed Fr. Damien, Apostle of the Lepers

The Eucharist is a gift to us here on earth. It is the way Christ would cement the living stones of His church together… a building up…a unifying factor…and I desired this Oneness with Our Lord so much. I knew that and while it was hard to wait I wanted something in my life that wasnt tainted by rushing or choosing my own way. I am so glad that I waited and that I was able to have a first true holy communion...

"Neither theological knowledge nor social action alone is enough to keep us in love with Christ unless both are proceeded by a personal encounter with Him. Theological insights are gained not only from between two covers of a book, but from two bent knees before an altar. The Holy Hour becomes like an oxygen tank to revive the breath of the Holy Spirit in the midst of the foul and fetid atmosphere of the world,"
- Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen


And so I began this long journey, Three Churches, Four Catechists, 12 years and 10,000 miles of wandering later, I stood before Msgr Scott and the congregation at St. Steven Church and said more "I do's" than I repeated at my two marriage ceremonies combined. I felt my forehead being signed three times and the heavy sweet scented chrism oil crossed on my forehead and temples...the same kind of oil used to anoint priests and because they are the head of the Church of England, the Kings and Queens of England as well. I am an anointed princess and a priest...a true daughter of God, and of His Church...

Then I heard my new name "Teresa Damien Molokai ea" and there was a roar in my ears and the sound of the drums striking the last note of a Mele or chant and the ensuing silence. I think the roar was voices... and Father said later when I shared this that they were the voices of those forgotten ones, those sent to the fires at the death camps by the Nazis, those lepers tossed off the ships into the raging Pacific off the coast of Molokai'i, too weak and sick to swim they would drown in the heavy surf. My patron saints cared for these people and in turn I will be cared for as well... The struggle of this part of my journey has ended. The Word of prophecy I received last Fall, that before the summer came, my hard journey would end, has come to pass... The final drumbeat signaled a new song was beginning.

“Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed…”
The final words said by the priest prior to the serving of the Eucharist….

I went forward for the Host and when Father placed it in my mouth, I stood there in a sort of amazed shock..."I have God in my mouth..." was all I could think, but as I tasted the precious blood for the first time I realized that this was different from any experience of Our Lord I have ever known, a closeness and a sweetness that is unsurpassed. I was high, on a different plane than when I walked into the church.
For me and for others that have experienced this celebration, it is a life changing moment. You are never the same again. I am free to worship where I will but the table of Our Lord is now open to me in any church anywhere in the world. I now have 1 Billion brothers and Sisters. The next week as I worshiped I felt the same spine tingle when I received my Lord and my God. When Jesus said he would be with us forever he really meant it physically forever, within us. I never understood the power of that . Christ more than a intellectual expression, more than theology, worship and service… Actually in my hands in my mouth, under my heart. It is my hope that my faith will grow stronger now that I have this tangible reality in my life. It is the Greatest Gift I have ever been given.

With thanks to
http://www.therealpresence.org/index.html

Confirmed Hokulea and Mgsr Scott

Labels: Catholic, Church, Current Events, Edith Stein, John Michael Talbot, Personal Growth, Quotable Quotes, RCIA, scripture, St Damien of Molokai

November 25, 2009

Indian Summer

my view of my "back forty" and Hawksnest Ravine..Peartree Cottage Metfield Bella Vista Ar

Lord,
You take care of the earth

and send rain

to help the soil

grow all kinds of crops.

Your rivers never run dry,

and you prepare the earth

to produce much grain.

You water all of its fields

and level the lumpy ground.

You send showers of rain

to soften the soil

and help the plants sprout.

Wherever your footsteps

touch the earth,

a rich harvest is gathered.

from Psalm 65

It was a beautiful "Indian Summer", for us in the Ozarks. Much of the time, October and November was warm and sunny with some of the most beautiful autumn leaves the locals can remember. The mild temperatures allowed for people to get out to the local craft fairs and harvest gatherings. I found myself drawn out to the bench to spend time in prayer before going into work... But as the month draws to a close and Thanksgiving time is here its cooled off and we may even have some snow flurries in the next few days...We are staying inside mmore and more our of the damp and chill in the mornings

We are doing fine. Im sorry for the long time between posts, but my life is somewhat ruetine, hard to talk about, and my hands are killing me from my Carpal Tunnel, so typing is very difficult...and frankly, most evenings I just want to sit in the quiet of my house with my doggie and my prayer book and be still for a bit, and not even try to think about anything

I can hardly believe it but friday ends my 10th week at Walmart.com. all of the hard work and training is about to be put to the test as we enter the notorious "Black Friday" on 11-27 (called black friday because this national day of shopping is the first day for many retailers that they show a profit or "go into the black" for the year. Not so for Walmart, but that is another story. The company has got a no holds barred approach to this years sales and we expect orders to 5 to 8 times higher than on an avarage day. Already there is a push higher and I have been working 10-12 hour days. Black friday will be an 18 hour day as well as its sister "Cyber Monday" the biggest internet shopping day, on 11-30. If you want a deal on electronic stuff this will be the day. The flat screen tvs are so cheap stores are buying them to resell in their stores...thats cheap.

Through it all there has been much testing of my faith. I went into this thinking that maybe this is it...I will get to stay here and work. Its a good job, I am close to home and its casual dress. People are very kind, even my brash young supervisor, who many people find annoying I see his good heart, and we all had to grow up at our own pace. He has been long suffering with me as well...

But the truth is, its likely that once the Christmas rush is over, I will be thanked and sent on my way. I am looking diligently for another position, and can apply at Walmart now and will. But I think it is going to be a long cold winter for me and I need to prepare for it. Im saving every dime of over time and paying utility bills and my car insurance ahead. I cant have a savings account as I am going to try to get on public assistance again once this job is over...I also should qualify for unemployment and will apply for that.


My garden Angel among the glowing dogwood leaves..

Nearly all of my creditors have me in collections and I know one lawyer in town has 4 accounts of mine. I am looking for a lawyer of my own and once I am working again I will file for bankruptcy. I have nothing, own nothing of value, and frankly I am ready for a fresh start and an end to the 50 calls a day from bill collectors some of whom arent even my bills... I hate it. I hate being a deadbeat, but there is no talking to these people, and its almost like they are forcing me to do this, rather than waiting so I can pay them off. One credit card jacked my intrest up to 39.95 percent, That is so unbelieveable...it has got to be illegal. The amount I owe is going up so fast I will never see daylight...

On a bighter note, my landlord contacted me and things are going to stay the same for the time being. He wants me in the house I want to be in the house and I am very content here

I have no holiday plans I am working half days Thanksgiving Day, the saturday and sunday of the weekend 4 to 6 hours I dont get holiday pay so having this keeps me stable as far as my 40 hours goes. I bought a turkey and some trimmings but will likely cook it next tuesday when Im set to have a full day off likely it too will be a half day... I could get used to that...

Sunday 11-29 is my Rite of Acceptance at St Steven Church. I have not been attending RCIA class but Msgr Marcusk has these lovely cds for me to listen to Im not going to "miss the bus" to Catholic Land this year. no matter what. I am very glad to have found this church and look forward to learning and growing. I also have taken up praying the liturgy of the hours morning and night. That is amazing, and powerful I feel a renewed stiring of Gods presence in my life.

This is my favorite holiday season of the year, its a time of reflection. While I have had a very rough year, I have few regrets for this path I am on. I know deep down in my heart that it is a time of refinement...a time that God is using to refocus me back to the type of life I had before Woody and the illusional life we had. Sometimes it seems like a dream. This now is the reality. The truth is that we have very little control over our destiny...Like a seed planted in the ground, it is God that controls our prosperity or our want. Our responsibility is to choose to do our best everyday and trust Him for our futures. We can plan, sceme, save, work, but like the seed in the ground we cant necessary make it grow, only God gives the increase.

And so it goes...thank you one and all for your prayers and concern. Please keep me in your thoughts as I gather in a harvest of provision. You are a blessing to me...

Labels: Bella Vista, Catholic, Current Events, Pear Tree Cottage, Personal Growth, Scenic Arkansas, scripture, Thanksgiving, weather

November 11, 2009

Light Unending~ A Tribute To Our Fallen Veterans

Tribute To The Fallen Memorial to the victims of the Ft. Hood massacre, and all veterans. St. Steven Church Bentonville AR


Day is done, but love unfailing
Dwells ever here;
Shadows fall, but hope, prevailing
Calms every fear
Loving Father, none forsaking
Take our hearts, of Love's own making
Watch our sleeping, guard our waking...
Be always near.

Dark descends, but Light Unending
Shines through our night;
You are with us, ever lending
New strength to sight
One in love, You truth confessing
One in hope, of heavens blessing
May we see, in Love's possessing
Love's endless light

Eyes will close, but You, unsleeping
Watch by our side
Death may come, in Love's safekeeping
Still we abide
God of love, all evil quelling
Sin forgiving, fear dispelling
Stay with us,our hearts indwelling
This eventide

James Quinn SJ

From the "Shorter Morning and Evening Prayer"
a Psalter of the Liturgy of the Hours
Liturgical Press
Collegeville Minnesota

Today let us remember, that those that serve out of love of country do more than serve that country they serve the cause of peace and ultimately the cause of Christ

The Catechism of the Catholic Church

Let us not forget those that serve in the Armed Forces and their families today and everyday, May God bless them and keep them from harm.

St Martin of Tours, patron of the solider and whose feast day this is, pray for us and for those that serve in uniform today. Amen

Labels: Catholic, Current Events, Poem, Quotable Quotes

June 25, 2009

The Man In The Shattered Mirror

Butterfly free...The Butterfly Farm Branson MO


I don't write much about celebrity, as I have had a life times fill of it... I have known a few individuals personally over the years, was privileged to have known a famous brother and sister duo who grew up in our town and were launched to stardom by my music instructor (I dont say who they were because their very name is copyrighted and I do not have permission to use it in any way)The tragic death of the sister was flat out due to her inability to cope with the increasing pressure of celebrity... She acted out to try to deal with the stress and it killed her. I was 17 and her death haunted me and my friends as we considered music as a career path. My circle knew that none of us were "all that" and became wives, accountants, teachers,engineers and artists of other kinds.... But as far as I know most of us still love music and remember school girl dreams

As I wrote in June of 05, of Michael Jackson I thought then that he wouldn't live to see his children grow up. How sad that his life was so messed up. Yes he did a lot of it to himself but he was also disturbed, troubled by a horrible upbringing and lots of abuse.

His music was the soundtrack to my young adult life and often when I think about that time I hear tracks from "Thriller" in my head. Michael Jackson had an amazing talent. No matter what this is true. Noone had ever done the things that he did and he changed popular music forever...

As consumers of the art of these performers we forget the human side, and how God loves them too and perhaps the broad road of pop icondom is the hardest one to overcome, to come to a place of saving Grace... My prayer is that God would have mercy on his soul, and that we as Christians insted of blindly condeming what we see in the media, that we would stop and pray for these people that they would see beyond the blinding glare of fame, and know that without God nothing in this life is worth having...That life is short and fame even more fleeting, only with the help of God can one be strong enough to endure in the face of the pressures of public life. Or else you end up like The Man in the Mirror, a shattered life a shattered dream a promise unfofilled, talent wasted and ultimatly eternity alone... no amount of fame is worth that

Labels: Current Events

April 23, 2009

The Land Of The Springtime

A moment in time captured by my mother on a photo slide, then brought to life by her cousin Phillip Stack in pastels...one of my most treasured possessions

Oh yes, for this child of the desert, it was like I had stepped off of the airplane and into a dream. The blue-green sea water,and the pink sand beaches... yes pink from the shells that were crushed by the pounding waves. The bright blue sky turned golden in the evenings and billowing clouds brought blessed rain twice a day, The flowers and the green trees. The smell of fruits and the rustle of sugar cane leaves as the sea breezes blew... every day was nothing less than a miracle. I loved every aspect of my time there my life there in Majuagua, Learning Spanish, giving the missionary's children their school lessons, the evangelistic tent meetings we gave every Saturday night. Sometimes I strapped my accordion on and rode horseback to get to the little farming villages up in the hills, through the jungle, as there was no roadway, just a muddy dirt track. Oh, how they loved to sing the Christian songs... We lived in a house with a thatch roof on a farm... yes that is where the picture came from. My cousin Phillip drew it with pastels from a slide I took out the back door, of the drainage canal and the lovely palm trees. It was as much like heaven as I could dream of... Terra de la Primavera, the Land of the Springtime...

My mother never tired of talking about her time in Cuba as a missionary. Those years abroad shaped her and became the defining moments of her life. She said that she embraced the missionary call fully as a result of the death of the five missionaries that were killed during a first contact with a savagely primitive people, the Waodoni, once called the Acua, of Central Ecuador. The story was well told in the 2005 film "The End of the Spear" My hero and hers, Elisabeth Elliot, endured the loss of her beloved husband, and the seemingly wasteful end of a life's work there. Yes she and her daughter Valerie, and the sister of the pilot, Nate Saint, Rachel went and lived among these people and made an attempt to evangelize them, but they would tell you that the effort has had mixed success. I think that many of the young people that offered their lives up to the Call to fill the place of those martyrs might feel that way. I know my mother did as well.

I also think that mother found healing and purpose in the venture abroad. I do know that she had one romantic interest that didn't pan out. He has gone on to do very well for himself, as a pastor writer and professor at DTS. I dont know that time heals all wounds but her life would have been very different had different choices been made.


Cuba of the 1950's was a place in transition. Like so many countries in Latin America even now, its government was in the hands of a political dictatorship run by a strongman and his thugs at the behest of our own government here in the US. American business interests, along with organized crime flourished. Havana was fast becoming a hot spot in many ways both good and bad... The people finding themselves in the newly rising middle class lived well in the city, with those that were wealthy living very well.

In the countryside there was poverty but farmers owned there own land, earned a modest living. Their children received an elementary education at the village school. It was a typical Latin American country.

When Castro lead his armies south to north, his goal was not to become a satellite of the Soviet empire, it was to free the island of the foreign interests that control ed the islands food production, and to rid it of the Organized Crime bosses that were extorting large sums of money from people that were struggling. He was a Marxist, a socialist, and had ties to Che Guevara and the whole thing, but our history is slanted due to the events of the cold war. We interfered in Cuba's destiny from the day we wrested her from Spanish control. Like Porto Rico

I am no scholar about this subject I only know what I have been told by Americans that lived there prior to the revolution, and Cuban nationals I have met who lived there before and escaped after Castor overthrew the established government. I will not justify in any way what Castro has done... Even he would tell you... better yet I can repeat a story I was told years ago by Dan Wooding, founder of ASSIST ministries, an organization that was founded to assist the Underground/Oppressed church. He was a former journalist, who exposed the genocide in Uganda under Idi Amin to the world in 1978. Dan's credentials gave him access to El Presidente Castro, who invited him to Havana to discuss the revolution, the ending of the Cold War, Cuba's future and the future of the Church... True to form Dan brought the conversation to God and the Eternal Destiny of every person. He asked Mr. Castro about his early faith in God, and begged him to return to God, that he forgives and accepts everyone. They were driving south to Santiago, and there was a long silence. Castro sighed and thanked Dan for his concern and then said that "God and Jesus and His Holy Mother could never forgive him for the evil he had done..." Then he turned and there were tears running down his face. Grief or guilt remorse or repentance...we will never know

Castro had no hidden communist agenda. But he was a Marxist socialist. He nationalized the industries that were at one time control ed by foreign interests. He kicked the mafia out and those that were in bed with them. This angered American businessmen. The collectivisation of agriculture looked too much like Communism and no one in the US government would assist in any of these dealing. When Mr Kruschev and his henchmen came a calling, Cuba couldn't say no. And its been a marriage made in hell ever since. We slapped an embargo on the island, The USSR imported missiles, bombers and battalions along with the food and medical supplies.

Cuba under this intolerable situation has lived with grit and determination so typical of island folk. they can boast of the highest literacy rate in the hemisphere, with a medical establishment that is one of the best that can be found under the circumstances. The people, even the farming people are well read and well versed in cultural classics. It is a nation waiting to be reborn.

My mother's work was not in vain, for in the wake of the Revolution, people remembered the words of the missionaries, the pastors and the priests, and clung to their faith. In 1998 Pope John Paul II came and spend a week there and led masses that attracted thousands. I believe he hoped that his visit would encourage the US to ease up on restrictions on trade and travel, and the government to release prisoners of conscience, and ease the pressures against religious practice. It had little effect, at least on the surface...who knows what effect it had on people's hearts

Truth is that the Embargo has done little to effect change in the government, it has only hurt the little people, the children and family of expatriate Cubans in America. The lifting of trade and travel restrictions will only improve the living conditions of the people, and the fact is, that meeting real Americans is often the turning point towards liberation from totalitarianism. It certainly shows a reality that is far different from government propoganda and "reality" TV shows...

Cuba may never have the type of government that we think she should have... but I sense with the events of the past weeks that a thaw in relations is in the offing. I have been approached by family members to consider making the journey to retrace my mother's steps. I want to do that with all of my heart. Perhaps one day I too will be enchanted by the Land of the Springtime, and perhaps the long winter of Cuba's isolation from her neighbor to the north will come to an end

Labels: Current Events, Dreams, Family History, Traveling

February 25, 2009

Poem~ Lenten Penance...a lament

The Baby Girl the day we first met


Lenten Penance 2009
Or
A Lament for Annabelle


I woke with a start
My Heart
My Beautiful Grace
In a strange place
Looking to bring you out of your bed
Into the day…

But here it is, Ash Wednesday
And you left this world but yesterday
In the midst of Mardi Gras

Today, I am traveling
In the company of strangers
Doing business that is not my own
Dreaming of you,
While sleeping in a kind stranger’s bed

I listen for you still
Even in this unfamiliar place
Longing to hear your tiny calling for me
Never pushing or willful
A still small voice of yearning and love for me
In the quiet hours

My tears are for your suffering
And for the losses of my lifetime
Even as I gave you up to God
My heart said…

“No, No! Not fair!, My loss is already so great
In this season of my life!”

But as hands…Strong and gentle
Tending you in a futile effort
Greater Hands than mine
Were lifting you to a Better Place

You looked at us with trust and love
As your life ebbed slowly away
You kissed each of us goodbye
And spent
Your last breath
In the safety of the bed
You always loved

I shall never forget you
Firstborn of this new heart of mine
My fast this Lent
Shall be of your presence

I need no greater penance than this

Labels: Annabelle, Current Events, Traveling

February 13, 2009

Alas, Babylon...

The Birthplace of the Behemoth, Sam Walton's 5 and 10, on the Bentonville Square Bentonville AR

Revelation 18:10-20

“Alas! Alas! You great city,
you mighty city, Babylon!
For in a single hour your judgment has come.”

And the merchants of the earth weep and mourn for her, since no one buys their cargo anymore,cargo of gold, silver, jewels, pearls, fine linen, purple cloth, silk, scarlet cloth, all kinds of scented wood, all kinds of articles of ivory, all kinds of articles of costly wood, bronze, iron and marble,cinnamon, spice, incense, myrrh, frankincense, wine, oil, fine flour, wheat, cattle and sheep, horses and chariots, and slaves, that is, human souls.

“The fruit for which your soul longed
has gone from you,
and all your delicacies and your splendors
are lost to you,
never to be found again!”

The merchants of these wares, who gained wealth from her, will stand far off, in fear of her torment, weeping and mourning aloud,

“Alas, alas, for the great city
that was clothed in fine linen,
in purple and scarlet,
adorned with gold,
with jewels, and with pearls!
For in a single hour all this wealth has been laid waste.”

And all shipmasters and seafaring men, sailors and all whose trade is on the sea, stood far off18and cried out as they saw the smoke of her burning,

“What city was like the great city?”

And they threw dust on their heads as they wept and mourned, crying out,

“Alas, alas, for the great city
where all who had ships at sea
grew rich by her wealth!
For in a single hour she has been laid waste.
Rejoice over her, O heaven,
and you saints and apostles and prophets,
for God has given judgment for you against her!”

BENTONVILLE, Ark. -- The big announcement from Wal-Mart Tuesday, cutting around 800 of its employees at the Bentonville home office, has left many people in northwest Arkansas stunned.
While the number is large, it could've been much worse.

Many are worried that the Wal-Mart layoffs would have a domino effect on the vendor community.

International Operations Are Staying Strong At Walmart

But what 40/29 News learned at a Bentonville Chamber of Commerce luncheon Wednesday is that Wal-Mart's organizational changes surprisingly won't be affecting its suppliers.

"They'll have to do different things within their environment to be able to service Wal-Mart, but overall, I don't see them cutting down on who they have in northwest Arkansas," said Ed Clifford, president and CEO of the Bentonville-Bella Vista Chamber of Commerce.

The reason for this is because the jobs that were cut from Wal-Mart for the most part aren't sales related.

The jobs that were cut mainly involve the areas that deal with new store expansion, which the company will be slowing.

For the most part, vendors said they won't feel the repercussions immediately, but they know they're not immune.

"The internal restructure of Wal-Mart hasn't affected any of the partners that we work with directly, so I feel that our company is safe right now. However, with the economy the way it is, I think everybody's nervous at this point," said Robin Foshee, a vendor for Coty beauty line.

But some suppliers did cut their workforce even before Wal-Mart's move Tuesday.

Gary Lowe worked for Genius Products, a DVD distributor. He was laid-off two weeks ago.

"They eliminated some positions to cut costs, about a 17 percent reduction overall," said Lowe.

So he's networking with other vendors to hopefully land a job.

But with the hundreds of people laid off Tuesday from Wal-Mart, he said it's going to be even harder.

"It puts some more competition out there on the market for jobs. I mean, more bodies for the same number or fewer jobs right now," said Lowe.

Lowe said he's not too worried. He said he got a pretty good severance package.

Those who were laid off from Wal-Mart will only be receiving severance pay until April.

Wal-Mart says they will allow its former employees to take jobs with vendors immediately, instead of waiting a year to apply.

But the problem is, because of the economy, many of these vendors currently have hiring freezes..

Courtesy 40/29news.com

Yeah, this wont affect suppliers, but the earthquake that rumbled though Benton county is effecting everyone. I was driving by the Home Office in the early afternoon and saw people with cardboard boxes out in the parking lot, I knew that something big had happened.

I was running errands and my last stop was an employment agency that was sending my resume to a business that needs an administrator. I wanted to meet this lady, her predecessor had been let go... and I had never met her. We discussed that the release of 800 middle and upper management types will only add to my difficulties with finding employment.

The attached article shows the ignorance of a lot of people. One persons job loss effects dozens of people. Its a cumulative affect. You aren't working so you don't go out to eat or shop which means retail and entertainment workers are affected and so on and so on. High rollers have a larger affect on the economy and tend to touch more people. Already I have seen the home of a man who was in Marketing go up for sale yesterday, He has a large family...what will they do?

Truth is that a lot of folks that came here will go back where they came from. They came when Wal mart hired them. I hear comments all of the time people would rather go "home". I know that a lot of vendor folks have actually done this once the vendor office closed. This area has built up with the idea that the Big Three employers WalMart Tyson and JB Hunt would continue to grow and expand. To have a lull in this growth is problematic... The extra houses wont sell, the empty vendor office space gets cheaper and cheaper... Already we have a 10 year glut of housing and excess retail space. Stores and business are folding up... This boom town may be going bust all around me

People are afraid. Businesses are in a panic. Like the scripture people are running around with their hands over their mouths gasping for air.

I am wondering how much of the panic is made by the news media? Many of the positions that WalMart eliminated they had been wanting to eliminate for a long time... So is housecleaning in a business necessary, you betcha. But its not the end of the world.

So if each business just held on to one job they were going to eliminate, this recession would end. If the banks would just stop foreclosing on homes for a two month period home prices would stabilize. Can people stop looking only to themselves can big business quit looking for every last buck, perhaps a lot of the misery would be resolved.

But I think we all can agree that the watchword of the world is grasping greed. We have only to look at the so called "stimulus" plan. So much for change... those greedy guts in Washington couldnt wait to spend all of that money... much of it will have little effect on the economy...

My hope is that it will have a phycological effect on the nation. It certainly has on the want ads. The pages for our area went from 4 to 8 pages, I responded to a dozen ads we shall see what happens

If you had said to me 10 years ago that the demand for containerized freight would shrink by double digits, that Wal Mart would stop growing... I would have laughed. But then I couldnt fathom that I would be living here in the land of Wal Mart Home Office

Labels: Breaking News, Current Events, Politics, Scenic Arkansas, scripture, working

January 23, 2009

What Storms May Come...

Winter Storm, the Ice Storm of 2009, Bella Vista AR

Post Started 1-23-09

America, in the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

Barak Obama inaugural address 2009

The common outcry,which is justly made on behalf of human rights- for example, the right to health, to home, to work, to family,to culture- is false and illusory if the right to life, the most basic and fundimental right and condition for all other personal rights, is not defended with maximum determination

Pope John Paul II

It was amazing, the crowds the party... I kept wondering if John MC Cain would have had such a party in the face of impending economic disaster. Not that President Obama has a lot of say in that.

Neither does he control the emotions of the masses. Not since the Death of Princess Diana or Pope John-Paul II has the world just stopped and watched the TV the spectacle unfold. a peaceful transfer of the worlds greatest seat of power. This election had huge repercussions for the entire world. The transfer is over and the business is beginning.

The storms our new president brought up in his address are here and more are coming. I fear that the economic storm is digging in for a long stay. The storms of Preservation of Life are breaking with the repeal of the ban on Federal funding for embryonic stem cell reaserch... for the appointment of rabidly pro choice (pro death) people to his administration, lavish appropreations to entities like Planned Parenthood included in the Stimulus package... with the abominable "Freedom of Choice" Act, that will effectively override Right to Life legislation through out the 50 States. This is moving through Committe right now.

Then there is the storm of Jihad. Frankly I fear that we will see the signs of this storm too late. Because after all under September skies as blue as anyone has ever seen four airliners were turned into flying bombs and changed this nation for ever. Im sorry sir...I dont believe that its wrong or against our values to defend this nation. I believe if there were extremes in methodology it was because we are playing the war game by rules we hardly knew and even less understood. I can only hope that Mr. Obama is right that we can somehow deal with the people that hate us and want us dead or converted to Islam ratonally. I have seen no sign that the radical Islamist care what we think or about what we have to say. The world doesnt care what we think, all we have to do is look at the situation in Gaza. Its like they self destruct. They have this deranged hatred of Israel, was sending rockets in killing people and when they go in to put a stop to it they are castigated as the evil ones.

Was Guantanimo wrong? I dont know enough about each case to say anything about holding the men there but I do know from soilders that were stationed there that they had good food and every comfort that could be provided under the circumstances I dont feel the situation amounted to cruelty. However I dont want those men housed in a prison near me, Im sure a lot of people feel this way as well. It will be interesting to see what they deside to do with the detainees.

I appreciate Mr. Obama's call to service and his call to ending our time "of childish things". I have felt for a long time that the financial debacle of my marriage...consuming Woody's retirement and Woody choosing not to work when he could have given it a better shot, was "childish". We certainly have put that lifestyle away and even though I am still not employed I feel much more satisfied with my life now that I am standing on my own.

One of the things that I have thought about regarding the change of leadership and the change of really the way of life for most people in the country in recent months is tha this is a wake up call to perhaps look beyond the materiel, and think about the relational and spiritual areas of life. For those that see the ascendancy of Mr. Obama as the rise of the Anti-Christ...(I have actually heard this) the situation is a call to prayer and conservative activisim. The financial difficulties encourage people to focus on relationship. I am already seeing this among my friends and I think this is a really great thing. Hard times in the past set the stage for the Greatest Generation, and the legacy of service and action that they brought to the world.

The coming storms are likely to be more difficult than we can imagine. I just know that He Who Calmed the Storm, will be with us too and we can trust him to see us through to the Storm's Clearing

Let it be said of us
While we walked among the living
Let it be said of us
By the ones we leave behind
Let it be said of us
That we lived to be a blessing for life

Let it be said of us
That we gave to reach the dying
Let it be said of us
By the fruit we leave behind
Let it be said of us
That our legacy is blessing for life

This day
You set life, you set death right before us,
This day
Every blessing and curse
is a choice now
And we will choose
to be a blessing for life

Let it be said of us
That our hearts belonged to Jesus
Let it be said of us
That we spoke the words of life
Let it be said of us
That our heritage is blessing
for life

For your Kingdom,
for our Children
For the sake of every nation

Let it be said of us
While we walked among the living
Let it be said of us
By the ones we leave behind
Let it be said of us
That we lived to be a
blessing for life

The Blessing
John Waller 2008

Labels: Bella Vista, Current Events, Politics

September 15, 2008

The Dirty Side Of The Storm

Sunrise over East Louisville notice the trees are already bending with the wind blowing. As the day heated up the wind would blow harder

The "dirty" side of a hurricane is the eastern side of the storm. Here, winds from the south, full of moisture, wrap into the storm causing heavy rain, storm surge, and tornadoes. As the storm moves inland it interacts with other weather systems. The area between the eastern side of the hurricane and the other weather front can be subject to hurricane force winds even though the hurricane itself has subsiding wind speeds.

Its as though the air is being squeezed in between two powerful wheels spinning in opposing directions. The wind heats and creates tornado like conditions. Add a deep broad valley like the Ohio River Valley and that cyclonic wind ripped though here like the Hurricane driving it

I woke to the winds, the whistling sound reminded me of the Pacific Tradewinds that blow across the Hawaiian Islands. Getting up at 5 am to make it to Beargrass by 7:30 is hard but has its rewards. This sunrise was beautiful. It did so remind me of Kauaii when Woody and I visited there.



Roofing ripped off of the buildings here at Indian Springs.

Finished the service at Beargrass and headed over to Watkins at 10 am. Wind blowing harder and harder. As we started the service at 11 am the power went out and it was all acoustic from there on in. Looking out the windows you could see branches whipping around and pine cones flying off at dizzying speeds pelting windows and cars in the parking lot. Then there was a huge crash and the building shook. People were starting to get up when the pastor stood up and said "Nobody leaves this building, if that is a tornado out there, we are safer in here. The children are safe in their building..." I saw ushers go to the doors. He was right and people calmed down instantly. I was really glad when we did go out in an hour or so and saw the devastation in and around the building, including a giant pine tree that had crashed against the side of the fellowship hall



Like our Church, the complex had a lot of damage from falling and flying trees and their branches. This apartment has a hole in the living room ceiling and the people are moving out today into a temporary unit

I got home at 1 pm and there were shingles flying off the roof and a chimney from an adjacent unit in the drive that had been torn off. I pulled my van into a more sheltered area in between the buildings and tried to get out. The wind was pushing against the door so hard I couldn't for the life of me get the door open. In between gusts I got out and up the stairs... Just as I got in I looked out the window and saw trees being ripped out of the ground and laid out on the first green...I backed away from the windows facing the trees and had my lunch in the back bedroom. Annabelle and I then took a long nap. We did lose power briefly but here in northeast Louisville we have had power pretty much continuously



Many of the homes in the subdivision where Annabelle and I walk had siding and shingles ripped off and many many trees are down.

11:00 pm

I didnt see much in the national news but I did see this report according to the tv news 215,000 people are still without power. Because this storm was a freak, people were not prepared. Gas lines were long and fights broke out when gas was rationed out. Our Governor declaired a state of emergency last week over the price of fuel. Kentucky has had an investigation over the way the fuel has gone up in price and gauoging is being reported and people have been arrested over it . Because of the heat and spoilage people are looking for food at resturants. Markets are closed, as are schools and many businesses.

One big concern is the condition of the course at Valhalla about 5 miles from here. The Ryder Cup is being played here starting tomorrow. Louisville was all geared up for the world looking in on the city and the clean up was done today in hopes that all will go well with this long planned event. There is nothing Louisville loves more than a grand sports event and I doubt this will slow things down too much

a favorite resting spot for me and Annabelle

I am still really amazed at how much damage and disruption this has caused. But thankfully we didnt have flooding rain nor did the winds last beyond the few hours. Things are ragged but at least we can clean up and arent suffering like those on the Gulf coast. I have been saying prayers of thanksgiving for that.

Labels: Breaking News, Current Events, Kentucky, Louisville, weather

September 14, 2008

Psalm 91~My Refuge and My Fortress

photo NGS 2008 A Dream in ruins... Beach front home on Galveston Island destroyed by hurricane Ike. The Baymont Hotel in the background is on the "high ground" and suffered significant damage. In 2005 Woody and I looked at home in this area and thankfully we didnt buy there and kept searching. This was my worst nightmare... and I thank God for guiding us away from what looked good at the time

My Refuge and My Fortress

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”

For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler
and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his pinions,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness is a shield and buckler.
You will not fear the terror of the night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness,
nor the destruction that wastes at noonday.

A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
You will only look with your eyes
and see the recompense of the wicked.

Because you have made the Lord your dwelling place—
the Most High, who is my refuge
no evil shall be allowed to befall you,
no plague come near your tent.

For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways.
On their hands they will bear you up,
lest you strike your foot against a stone.
You will tread on the lion and the adder;
the young lion and the serpent you will trample underfoot.

“Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him;
I will protect him, because he knows my name.
When he calls to me, I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will rescue him and honor him.
With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”

Labels: Current Events, scripture

July 12, 2008

"We Have All Become Victims..."

My Instructor Charles Conner and his part time assistant goldsmith Gary Lee. They are attempting to repair a silver plated antique teapot...it was not a success

"I think we are done here", Maureen sighed, as we sat in the Subway at the Holiday Inn where Woody and I had planned this adventure nearly one year ago. "I am so done with the whole thing... I am going home. He can email me when the JA test comes in."

I look at her, worn out and somewhat dejected. I can see my reflection in the glass window. My bitterness over the lack of enthusiasm of our instructor, and my seeming mistake in trusting him at his word that he would do everything possible to help me in my quest to become a jeweler had taken its toll... I had nightmares all the night before and look like a hag.I asked her "What then after the test? What do you want to do?"

Not looking directly at me sort of out the window as she ate she replied, "I dont think I know enough to open my own shop...Work for someone else?"

I smiled to myself. This young lady is very talented and has a lot of savvy. She doesnt realizes how much she knows sometimes. I said " You know there are only a few things you need to know about running a jewelery business beyond the obvious like get a good accounting/POS softwear package like Gellers follow his advice and you will be fine. You are a great jeweler and will only get better with time...But there are three things that you have to know that they DONT do at Conner's and the sad results have left us all victims...

One; be brutally painfully honest to the point of personal hurt with yourself and your vendors and customers. Your reputation is the most important thing you posses and it can be lost in a second. Two; Discretion. You must not casually disclose your profession to anyone. As a single woman living alone this is ten times more important. Protect your address, put the store address on your drivers license and get a PO box. No jewelery stuff should ever be sent to your home. Watch your back, use a alarm system etc. Three; choose your friends wisely.We have seen the bitter fruit of the son of our instructor having a posse of bad boy friends and look at what one of them has done...Ruined everything for all of us..."

Maureen looked up at me..." yeah, we have all become victims of the bad choices of a few...."

We both cleaned out our benches not long after we got back from our lunch... Charlie didnt notice, he was back in his office on the phones, the Internet, whatever. I still have a few days owed to me but frankly I cant see staying there once Mo leaves and goes back to her folks and starts looking for a job up in the Chicago area. I feel so depressed when I am there. I have lost the desire to fight against the forces of darkness and despair that seem to have the upper hand in that place.

Last Monday the ball was put into motion for this sad end when the local paper finally ran an article on the break in at Charlie's house This caused a flurry of interest with the local media with all three of the networks sending news crews out to the school to interview us and to make a point of beating up law enforcement and show the ineptitude of the county prosecutors office who all know who the creep was that did this...sadly its looking like a inside job and the guy is the friend of a friend of Charlies son, Bryan. He knew that the family was going out of town and was going to make a quick hit on the house but found Katie there and heaven only knows what happened as the girl is not saying much to police...

Maureen and I bailed out before the first reporters got there. I (and Mo too) had NO desire to be on TV to even be known to be connected to this and frankly felt that it was the height of stupidity that this was being publicized to this level. They filmed the house, the street number, the school, gave out information regarding how the security had been lacking... and every bodies names are out there in plain sight for the local tweekers and gang bangers to come on over for a handout on the swag. I certainly have no desire to be followed home from the school some evening and be a crime victim. Mo has keys to the school which she surrendered this week thank God because she is living in not the best part of town and has never been in a situation like this.

My new contacts locally swearer that the word on the street is that this friend of Bryans is the thug that beat Katie up and this was brought on by the total lack of security and professional demeanor required of a jeweler. As I told Mo, people on our street in Hawaii had no idea who we were or what we did and we found out later that they thought that we were law enforcement (Woody wore a uniform with a badge for his security job, and I guess I fit the profile of a lady Cop...go figure and thank you Jesus for the perfect disguise.) We were left alone, and really that was God's protecting us as we were alone so much...


The news has even reached the blogosphere and you can read their coverage here at
911 Wackos: 911 robbery call ignored for half hour


Gary and Charlie trying to weld a handle back on a silverplated teapot

Sadly the true victim, Katie hasnt been given the space or time needed to deal with the situation. We know that a lot of times people think you should just "get over it" and this seems to be the way the family is looking at things. Katie was in a public venue when she saw the story broadcast on Tv and freaked out. She went home confronted her step father who felt that he had the right to tell about how he had been wronged and to get his stuff back. Its all about him... She and he had this huge fight and he kicked her out of the house...blame the victim...great. He and the girls mother had a fight then and he went to their house in the country and spent a day brooding leaving his responsibility and the school to whatever....

The whole situation is so emotionally charged and negative emotions are so high that a very sensitively wired person like myself picks up this like Doppler radar can see hidden moisture in the air. I have spent a large part of my life reading the unspoken communication of individuals in order to survive and I find that this situation is about to explode. This family and those of us involved in the school and business are all caught up in this drama that will have no good end. I realized that I am afraid. Afraid because I am sitting in harms way everyday at the school, I am not getting the care or consideration that as a student I should have gotten and now cant get because the personal drama is not left at home but comes into work everyday.

...I saw the guy that robbed Charlie when he came in to sell he gold that day in May. I could pick him out of a line up and that makes me afraid. He saw me sitting there...

My apartment is secure I have an alarm system which I use faithfully when I go in and come out. I tell few people what I do and keep to myself. I watch my back and am inside long before dark...But...

I wake up when I hear noises in the night. I realized that my own snoring and upset account for a lot of this... The nightmares that tormented me most of my young life have returned after YEARS of absence. There was a time when my dream life was so negative that sleep was a torment. If this persists I will seek professional help, no matter what.

I pray a lot and know that time is a healer like nothing else. I will continue to read about my chosen profession and learn more that way. I have my time with Jerry yet to look forward to... I am not cutting my time short here and will be aggressively looking for work as well. If I get something that will subsidize my expenses here I will stay as long as I can. The economy being in the shape that it is in may mean a postponement of my opening my business would be wise. Woody has not said that he desires my return, and I have tried to not think too much about that. If he wanted me home I would consider it absolutely, but I think God is doing something right now in his life that is good and I dont want to get in the way of that.

I chose many years ago to stop being a victim. I know that there are those that still think that I am with regards to my relationship with Woody and all of that. But I lived in fear of the return of my rapist and later the stalker boyfriend that was beyond scary in his persistent pursuit of me... I have lived under the radar for years because my life with the Engineer was filled with people that were best left behind. I dont want to go this way again. The things one fears rarely happen. Once you realize that you see that life gets good again... the door opens and you arent a victim anymore...

Mo and shop cat Eeyore, named ofter the Winnie the Pooh character for his formerly shy depressed personality... he is in love with Mo and will be going home with her to Chicago once she is finished with school

Labels: Breaking News, Conner School, Current Events, Louisville, Woody

June 28, 2008

Spending to Get

The view from my windows in my bedroom in my apartment, over looking the first green and fairway at the Legends of Indian Springs Golf course Louisville KY

I have had a very nice weekend having spent much of it sitting before these windows watching the world go by... by that I mean the steady groups of golfers and the steady march of rainclouds as the thunderstorms sweep by in an endless panorama of sight and color. It has cooled down quite a bit and I have my little window open to gather fresh air. Annabelle is asleep on my bed just next to me. She had a busy weekend of grooming and training appointments and is happy to lay and watch the golfers go by

Its been a week of heavy thought. I spent a lot of time journaling about how Woody and I came to the place that we find ourselves in. I wanted the story recorded... The whole story. And how all of this has made me feel.

Being here has given me the freedom to just feel. I dont have to do anything, be anything other than myself, so this was the ideal time to do this. I must say that all of this emoting has not made me feel better. I have felt very depressed this week...grief? maybe...

My lanai It has the same view but a different perspective. The railing is covered with bird netting to prevent Annabelle from taking a flying leap off the the second floor balcony. Its so discreet you cant even see it. I love sitting out here in the breeze. Look who is sharing the sunshine but the little princess who has her own special chair so she can watch the silly humans chasing the little white ball all over the place!

I think a lot of it is disappointment. Things haven't worked out at the school the way I hoped. Charlie has basically said "Review everything" and retreated into his office this past week. He nitpicked what I brought him in review, and was cross about how I managed to do said review. I think its strange that the teacher gives an instruction like that but expects you to read hs mind about how it should be accomplished. I see Maureen doing "review" of things we havent gotten to that she got to before I got there...not because there is something wrong with me but because Charlie in three months has failed to complete the one month program he promised to teach me. He has spent way too much time hibernating in his office. So I took the initiative and did a few projects on my own. When Charlie said that he hadnt seen much review I took everything I had done and he said that while it was good it wasnt review he asked for whatever that was supposed to be and how come I was getting ahead of him?... I am sort of unwilling to stay in week one the whole three months. For the first time...this week I found myself resenting the money that I have spent and the risk I have taken that ultimately have led me to be taken advantage of. Charlie has issues and I dont think he understands just how serious this is. I gave up a job, a life...yes willingly and gladly but not to sit and just fritter away literally 120.00 a day that I will owe up in the future against my house

My first bezel set ring. I did this one rather well...maybe because the stone was not a practice CZ, but one of Charlie's customers 1 carat diamonds...

Needless to say I didnt get to keep this practice ring. He gave me the wrong stone...because he wasnt attentive. Later he blamed me for this. This atmosphere of suspicion and distrust...even downright paranoia is due to a series of horrible events that have happened in the last month. Charlie's home was robbed, his step daughter was pistol whipped and terrorized. Then an attempt was made to rob the school overnight...and finally the son of a jeweler friend, a frequent visitor and graduate of the school is currently the principal suspect in the theft of a valuable diamond from the man's father's store safe... The environment is hostile and weird day in and out

My masterwork, this crucifix is actually mounting for a special artifact. A handmade nail I found in the street in the 900 block of east Broadway in downtown Louisville, while sightseeing with Woody. A professional blacksmith dated the nail to 1780 to 1830 and said that likely it was made by a slave boy, an apprentice to a blacksmith. If the child showed potential he was spared the lifetime of backbreaking field work that most black slaves faced. On top of that a trade like smithing would give a slave a trade that would help him stay free if he braved escape by swimming across the mighty Ohio river to New Albany Indiana and catching the Underground Railroad to a point further north

The cross is a lost wax centrifugal casting in sterling silver. Three dimensional in nature, the wax model was designed around the historic nail in such a way that the nail is heal securely yet can be removed so the silver can be cleaned. The iron nail cannot come in contact with my skin without causing more deterioration so that situation had to be taken into account in the design... By the way I figured it out mostly on my own, and Charlie's son Bryan, a master jeweler himself helped me with the casting and gave me tips. Charlie said he liked it and thought that I did a good job, but he bragged on it as customers saw it on my bench as I worked on it. I knew in my heart that I did good on this one

But does that mean that I can hold my own as a jeweler? Several weeks ago,as I was finishing this up, I spent a saturday afternoon roaming craft and lapadary shops looking for findings ect. Once of the first places that I stopped was a place called "friends" on funky Frankfort Ave. The lady in charge and her Jeweler Jerry looked at the cross and my other work and felt that I could do the repair work that is pouring in there and would I like a job? I would sit on the store and do repairs for a percentage of the job price. Jerry said he'd fill in any gaps on my education and not charge me 120.00 a day. He is a master engraver and was teaching at the Conner School for a while and knew Charlie really well. Said he would be glad to help me and let me have some of the work. Im not into this as a money maker, but I would be ahead if I didnt have to pay the school and extra 3500.00 for the next three months that would be a big help and if I could pay part of my way out of earnings will praise the Lord for that. I still have a couple of weeks paid for at the school so I will try to get as much as I can out of that before telling Charlie that our time is going to be a touch truncated. With the state of Indiana offering Charlie disability for his damaged hands and nerves he should take the money and run.

I feel like his heart is no longer into this, teaching that is. I also think that he is intimidated by me and that makes things strained. I have not gotten over the feeling of contempt that he seems to have for me

I knew what I was getting into when I signed up. I was willing to "spend to get" to receive all of the emenities of this place. It has been worth it. I am willing to spend to get to have the personal and financial freedom I will soon have

PS.7-1-2008 Charlie came to me and asked me about my plans and if I was going to finish out the six month course. It was the opening that I had been waiting and felt that I should work in a real shop rather than sit in his school for another three months. He said that I do learn slower than the other students but once I get the concept I do nice work. He was thrilled at the opportunity that I have to work for a real jeweler. He felt that this was a better way to go and that he was going to miss me. My time will end about the same time that Maureen will be leaving so I think the timing is great. I'm thinking about leaving July 16 and perhaps getting another part time job to fill out my wallet and try some tricks I haave learned. Tha will be grand.



Fellow Student Maureen and shop kitty Fluffy at the Conner School New Albany IN

Labels: Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Conner School, Current Events, Dreams, Kentucky

June 07, 2008

The Visit

Prince of the Bluegrass, "Windy" out of Tara's Perfect Storm, who allowed me to pet her precious three week old charmer. Kentucky Horse Park, National Horseracing Museum Lexington KY

Woody has been visiting her for the past 10 days and we have had a very good time. The "indesgresion" has not been discussed other than he said he was sorry for fooling me and not telling me about his trip to LA. I know that had the reverse been the case he'd have had a cow about it.

We have played the tourist over most of this week. I have gotten to see places that would have been difficult for me to go to on my own. I am still limited on the amount of driving that I can do. I have fallen asleep in the car some but not as much as I was doing prior to comming here. I think it is due to weight loss. I dont know how much as I dont have a scale and really want to focus on bettter choices and a lifestyle change. I have been eating out a lot with Woody but really have made a effort to keep it low fat and only what I need and not to over eat.

I will write more about the trip in the comming weeks . A week ago today we went to the Kentucky Horse Park and had a wonderful time there looking at the very nice museum and getting to meet and pet some of the wonders of the horse world, most importantly "Cigar" a great horse, and he was once a all time money winner. Woody was thrilled to see him. He is quite a racing fan

As we have driving through the fields and forests of North Central Kentucky this week I have thought long about the past and the future. The past, in my girlhood this was a place I dreamt of coming to to see the horses and visit the farms where the throughbreds were born and raised. This time of year is a marvel as one can see the foals out with their dams and everything is a lovely green. Soon this will pass as we are already having 100 degree weather. With all of the getting in and out of air conditioning, I have come down with a summer cold. Its a pain nothing more at this time

The future... I have livied alone for two months and even weathered a few storms of a personal nature here. Now having Woody here I see how really hard it is for us to live together. We are trying to figure out what will work best. As much as I would love to buy the tiny house on the next block and move into it. I dont think that is really the best idea. Times are going to get really hard and neither of us can afford to pay the upkeep of two homes. I am sick of the mess and the nonsense of our home. I will be eliminating a lot of stuff and be glad of it. Once I can arrange a small sitting room of my own I will be spending more time alone in my house. Woody is looking for a housekeeper, which I will gladly help pay for. The cats and the cat hair is a huge problem. We are looking at medications for the constant shedding and I know that I feel better here without having that to deal with... Please God, I love my kitties, but may not be able to live with them any more. We shall see how things go when I return. I would be willing to give up a lot to have the place cleaned up and more manageable.

Still, the idea of not having to constantly nag Woody, to get so aggravated at him all of the time. To not having the feeling that I am stumbling over a giant rock in the middle of my life, and feeling ashamed, angry, and hurt at the rejection that he seems to be oblivious too. Going around and having fun is one thing but the tough stuff of life grinds us... grinds me...

We ruled out a divorce, the mess that will create is worse than the constant fighting. Woody says he sees that I am much happier in my smaller space and single life. He was also humiliated at a resturant as he was refered to as my "father". I know that he looked bad to me, but others see this and it scares me. I feel like I am getting younger as time is going by and perhaps he sees it too.

He says he is going to change but he doesnt know what to change or why the change is needed. He says he isnt sure where his life is going and why its important to know. He admitted that he wouldnt have ever attempted something like I am doing and that the moment that things got hard in his life he would give up. That is no way to live. It is little wonder that out relationship hasnt grown at all. Its a very painful deal all around

Peace is returning and I feel good. Looking forward to the classes and getting closer to my goals. the other gal is ordering her final and wants to be out in by the end of July, I need to consider that date myself.

Im glad that Woody came to visit, it showed me a truth about myself, and now if I can learn to be truthful to myself as well, it will all have been worthwhile

Labels: Current Events, Kentucky, Louisville, Woody

May 07, 2008

The Selling of Memories

The Old Downtown of New Albany Indiana, where I am attending jewelers school. This is the heart of a community revitalization project that has brought 50 new businesses employing 300 plus people (including the school which moved there from another city last September)to this nearly 200 yearl old city on the skids. Sadly, things are not going well as the dismal economy is taking its toll. With the elections held yesterday both candidates spent a lot of time here, people hoping for a Democratic win and renewal through "change"...

"Please I really need as much as I can get... you still buy gold dont you?..."

Charlie nods as the harried looking woman with her school age children in tow, drops a baggie full of chains and earrings and other jewelry on the counter. Charlie dumps the bag out and begins to sort and test each peice of gold. As she waits she stikes up a conversation with the retired watchmaker that comes in two days a week. The state of Indiana has a law that during the winter, your power and heat cannot be turned off for any reason, but after May 1st, you get a three day notice. This lady was one of a number of people that came in with desparation on their faces...

There was quite a bit and the final total of a lifetime of gifts and treasured momentos was..."$534.89...I'm sorry I wish it was more but we buy for scrap only and the stones are not counted. If you want them they will be two buck a peice to remove..."

"Its not enough, I owe 1600 dollars to the power people, maybe I can stave them off... ok I will do it." Her ID is copied, and a release is signed...A check is written and she went on her way. Charlie sighs... and mutters "I wish I could do more..." as he dumps the little containers with the various karat weights into the storage boxes that eventually go to the refiner to be melted down...

I wonder sometimes if I really understand. I know what it was like to be in that kind of a situation. We sold a timeshare we loved, a pick up truck, a riding mower. I put hundreds of personal belongings into consignment and sold much of the stuff our mothers gave us...let alone the store inventory that I sold for a song when we needed money during those fateful years in Paradise. Woody had a job that due to the low wage and the expenses of just getting him to the job and keeping him there dragged us into the hole every six weeks... the money crunch was a nightmare. We nearly lost our house, and would have come back to the mainland with suitcases as so many people do. But God delivered us...

I am not like the lady that sold her wedding rings off of her finger yesterday. Young and expecting, with a husband in Iraq, she was laid off and was facing losing her apartment because she cant juggle all of her bills now that she has just the money he sends her. Her prospects of getting a job in her condition are slim to none. Charlie tried to tell her to just pawn it because 250.00 was all he could give her. She took the money and signed her lovely ring away. Charlie took it and put it the safe... "If her husband comes home he may want to buy that back... dont tell anyone I just did that." I wanted to cheer.

I have been broke. when newly single in 1988, I joked that I needed 2.5 dates a week to get by and thank God for free food at Happy hour at Acapulco because I ate there a lot. It helped me make my 280.00 a week go just a little further. I have gone hungry, and have found bags of groceries on my front porch delivered in the dark by kind friends. But I have yet to sit in the dark or face the cold for lack of heat, nor ever slept in my car like friends I know have at times in their lives. I fear that sort of thing... it gnaws at me

So here I sit in my lovely apartment with my fuzzy little yipper, thankful, but wary because this is a national trend, check out this articleWe have been doing this slowly for years, selling things to pay off other bills and I fear that we will be reduced to this. Woody doesnt understand how to live like this, on the edge, and has no words of comfort for me. He tells me I am stupid to think this way. Im not. It could happen to any of us.

Labels: Conner School, Current Events, Hawaii, Marriage