June 07, 2008

The Visit

Prince of the Bluegrass, "Windy" out of Tara's Perfect Storm, who allowed me to pet her precious three week old charmer. Kentucky Horse Park, National Horseracing Museum Lexington KY

Woody has been visiting her for the past 10 days and we have had a very good time. The "indesgresion" has not been discussed other than he said he was sorry for fooling me and not telling me about his trip to LA. I know that had the reverse been the case he'd have had a cow about it.

We have played the tourist over most of this week. I have gotten to see places that would have been difficult for me to go to on my own. I am still limited on the amount of driving that I can do. I have fallen asleep in the car some but not as much as I was doing prior to comming here. I think it is due to weight loss. I dont know how much as I dont have a scale and really want to focus on bettter choices and a lifestyle change. I have been eating out a lot with Woody but really have made a effort to keep it low fat and only what I need and not to over eat.

I will write more about the trip in the comming weeks . A week ago today we went to the Kentucky Horse Park and had a wonderful time there looking at the very nice museum and getting to meet and pet some of the wonders of the horse world, most importantly "Cigar" a great horse, and he was once a all time money winner. Woody was thrilled to see him. He is quite a racing fan

As we have driving through the fields and forests of North Central Kentucky this week I have thought long about the past and the future. The past, in my girlhood this was a place I dreamt of coming to to see the horses and visit the farms where the throughbreds were born and raised. This time of year is a marvel as one can see the foals out with their dams and everything is a lovely green. Soon this will pass as we are already having 100 degree weather. With all of the getting in and out of air conditioning, I have come down with a summer cold. Its a pain nothing more at this time

The future... I have livied alone for two months and even weathered a few storms of a personal nature here. Now having Woody here I see how really hard it is for us to live together. We are trying to figure out what will work best. As much as I would love to buy the tiny house on the next block and move into it. I dont think that is really the best idea. Times are going to get really hard and neither of us can afford to pay the upkeep of two homes. I am sick of the mess and the nonsense of our home. I will be eliminating a lot of stuff and be glad of it. Once I can arrange a small sitting room of my own I will be spending more time alone in my house. Woody is looking for a housekeeper, which I will gladly help pay for. The cats and the cat hair is a huge problem. We are looking at medications for the constant shedding and I know that I feel better here without having that to deal with... Please God, I love my kitties, but may not be able to live with them any more. We shall see how things go when I return. I would be willing to give up a lot to have the place cleaned up and more manageable.

Still, the idea of not having to constantly nag Woody, to get so aggravated at him all of the time. To not having the feeling that I am stumbling over a giant rock in the middle of my life, and feeling ashamed, angry, and hurt at the rejection that he seems to be oblivious too. Going around and having fun is one thing but the tough stuff of life grinds us... grinds me...

We ruled out a divorce, the mess that will create is worse than the constant fighting. Woody says he sees that I am much happier in my smaller space and single life. He was also humiliated at a resturant as he was refered to as my "father". I know that he looked bad to me, but others see this and it scares me. I feel like I am getting younger as time is going by and perhaps he sees it too.

He says he is going to change but he doesnt know what to change or why the change is needed. He says he isnt sure where his life is going and why its important to know. He admitted that he wouldnt have ever attempted something like I am doing and that the moment that things got hard in his life he would give up. That is no way to live. It is little wonder that out relationship hasnt grown at all. Its a very painful deal all around

Peace is returning and I feel good. Looking forward to the classes and getting closer to my goals. the other gal is ordering her final and wants to be out in by the end of July, I need to consider that date myself.

Im glad that Woody came to visit, it showed me a truth about myself, and now if I can learn to be truthful to myself as well, it will all have been worthwhile

Labels: Current Events, Kentucky, Louisville, Woody