November 11, 2008

Home Ts Where The Heart Is

Locust Grove, built in the early 1800 by the sister of George Rogers Clark, founder of Louisville, and liberator of the Northwest Territories, Locust Grove park, Louisville Kentucky

Post started nov 8, 2008

I think its one of the most basic feelings that we have as human beings...the need to belong and have a place that is ours to say "this is my home". It doesn't always mean a roof over our heads as some tribes in the Amazon live in semi sheltered environments but they have a sense of place...from the Bedouin and his tent to the Roma woman and her wagon to the now nearly extinct Gypsy Trucker living out of his cab, the nomad has a sense of place. For most of us this means a roof and walls, heat and light, and something to rest our weary bodies upon after a long hard day. For those of us in the west we are the most blessed in this area with the poorest of us having luxurious shelters compared to most people in the world.

my little white shack reborn 6 years after I sold her. New paint roof and porch railing took what I had done a long way


I have been blessed to have lived in nicer homes than most...only once in what would be called "substandard" housing but that little wood framed house on Midway st. didn't stay "substandard" for long as I renovated it into a little doll house. "Midway 'round the Bend" I called it. Giving that name from the directions given to me to find it "Go down Flower to where it becomes Flora Vista then when you get to Chicago go left to Midway, as you go round the bend you will see it right away..."and so on It was also "midway" because I never had the money or the ability to finish the renovation and sold it as is before we moved to Hawaii in 2001. I made a killing on it as far as profit goes but it was mine...not Woody's and my place and since then I have felt or been made to feel as though I have been living in someone Else's home...

My castle in paradise Hale Puu Honua Pahoa Puna Big Island of Hawaii


We bought a lovely ranch house in Hawaiian Shores subdivision about 25 miles southeast of Hilo on the Big Island. I named that home "Hale Pu'u Hounua",(home a place of refuge). We arrived just after the 9-11 attacks and thought that we had perhaps come to a place of peace and safety. A place where we could start over and have a new life together...Aloha outside aloha inside...Unfortunatly home is always where you are at and the struggle that Woody and I had on the mainland didnt go away just because we changed zip codes. I struggled to make that home mine as I struggled to adapt and deal with life on the island. I never did quite get that house to feel like home, no matter what I did. I worked long hours at the store and didn't have the help I needed from Woody or anyone else to keep up with the kind of maintenance that is required in that wet hostile environment.It was all we could do to keep food on the table and the creditors at bay...The neighbors were hostile, the churches we tried unwelcomming... From mold to foot long venomous centipedes to the flying cockroaches it was a constant battle. I felt the house resisted my efforts at every level just as Hawaii resisted our becoming truly a part of her fabric of life there. I let go of that home and that life with few regrets other than the pain of losing the intimate touch one has with the spirit of Hawaii when you actually live there...if you are open to it. I joined the Hawaiian Diaspora and like so many others long for a day when I can return even to visit...

my dream house in the trees Hale Pau'Hana Huakai Bella Vista NW Arkansas


Coming to Arkansas was a prayer to God of "let me come home and settle, be a wife, join a church become a part of the fabric of life here and live happily everafter..."I thought that I had a commitment from Woody for that exact thing...that I could be a wife and homemaker. As we renovated the house I was ablle to incorporate details that I love ... It reflects a lot of my personality and my desire to make this house cosy, warm and hospitable. I had big dreams but they didnt last long. I have never completely unpacked from the voyage accross the seas. I took a job that I thought would inspire a similar effort from my husband, and as my readers know that has not been the case. The house I named Hale Pau'ana Huakai (home after the long journey)but the journey has not ended. I have struggled with my husband over expectations that while resonable, he can never meet. Because I am always working and have had little free time, I havent been able to really settle in and make this place my own. My home has not ceased to look like a moving and storage facility even though we have gone through nearly every box. When we chose to take separate bedrooms I moved all of my home office and library into the master bedroom creating a crowded cluttered space that screams "failure" everytime I walk into it. The bed is new and very comfortable but I get no rest. I feel like I am sleeping in the stacks of a library. Since returning home from Louisville I have developed an allergy to the cats that is severe and requires that they stay out of my space. I am effectively cut off from the rest of the house and live in my half for now.

The pile of apartments on the ninth green Legends of Indian Springs Louisville KY


I realized while I was in Louisville that by living in solitary less cluttered conditions I was more at peace and content. I knew that this would mean moving out on my own and leaving behind a large portion of my "things" I know this is the right thing to do for many reasons. first I lived quite happily without this stuff for seven months. That tells me a lot. Two I am ready to make a big change in style. I fell in love with a very modern sofa this week and realized that this is my chance to redecorate and do something new that fits my new outlook on life. On top of that Woody paid for 90 percent of our furniture and stuff so he should get to keep it.

I am looking at a lot of homes right now it is amazing to me how many are available with terms that are astounding to say the least. I started with a leasing company tha we first used when we arrived here. I contacted them on line and they ran my credit while in Louisville. I hope to find something in the next few weeks that will suit and I can get settled in soon. Woody is very supportive and has even gone out with me to look at properties and made sugestions. I find it strange that he would asist his runaway wife in finding a new nest but then I dont understand a lot of things about him and perhaps need to step back and think about this whole adventure of a life together. No blame attached. Just understanding.

Mark my counselor in Louisville asked me to look for small things that tell me about Woody and how he feels. I see them, from his brilliant attempt to clean up to his heroic drive to get me home from Louisville and trying this past week to be sweet and good as I try to find my bearings here in Bella Vista. I am constantly reminded that home is where the heart is... I need to find my heart...somewhere I lost it in all of this moving around

Labels: Bella Vista, Family History, Hawaii, Kentucky, Louisville, Marriage