January 08, 2005

He Giveth Sleep

The approaching Calm - Hamakua Coastline


Psalm 127:2

It is vain for you to rise up early, To retire late, To eat the bread of painful labors; For He gives to His beloved children, even in their sleep.

I am an insomniac. Confirmed and certifiable... In these days of wear and tear on my nerves it has worsened, add to this the "2 o'clock wake ups" some sort of hormone short circuit...(hey it was hot flashes two years ago so...When is this thing called the change OVER WITH anyhow...)Woody is working all sorts of weird shifts for the guard people, ok by me but he gets home and wants to talk about it... I cant wait till we move and have separate beds...The long and the short of it is that I am not getting enough sleep. This morning I slept through two hours of news... Heavens how can you sleep through that??? and it was 8:15 when I woke... Was out the door by 8:30 and to town by 9am. Opened nearly on time.. Whew!

Mak has to come and get on me several times a night now and do "happy paws..." My own dang fault... I love the furry nuisance so I put up with it. His purring is a comfort as he lays down next to me... Often these days there is a tiny green house frog outside the bedroom window. These little guys no bigger than a dime trill sweetly, unlike the coque frog that "ko-kees" loudly, these guys have finesse and style. If its late enough, the mynahs have begun to sing and the roosters are crowing. My fountain is gurgling in the foyer, we are leaving that as well as many other things for the future owners of our home. I have already determined that I shall have a fountain in my new home as I love the running water effect so much. I got it to fill in the background noise that I missed, now the sound itself is cherished. I shall miss the night noises of Puna. But they also keep me awake too.

We have had a pick up in business. Our ads for the "inventory reduction sale" have drawn a few bargain hunters. Others just happen upon us... That is the thing about advertising that was crazy making for us... Nothing seems to work, and you do most of your business by chance... Well you cant make projections based on that. Today I sold more individual items than I have in one day for a while. Stuff is going out for which I am humbly grateful. I have started to liquidate bills that have been outstanding and perhaps I shall be able to pay everyone and not slink out of here like a rat... I was afraid that was going to be the case. The thought of it kept me awake at night...

I decided that even if I was rushed and harried I was still going to respect the day, and try to relax and I think it did help. It made a difference on the selling and at the end of the day I was less uptight...

I had a crazy thought as I was preparing to close the store and pack everything away into the safe... I have had the "priviledge" of being close to people who lost children due to catastrophic illness. To support them and hold their hands and at the end sing these precious ones into glory at the funeral service. As 5 pm came tonight, it was still in the building. A steady rain was falling, and I turned to computer and the A/C off and listened. There was a peace, a quietness that I wouldn't have experienced had Woody been there...No one was around and I began to tear down the store. Each case has its own little tub. Rings in a little box and many small boxes with individual items. Nearly all have to come off of a display piece, and be put away into the safe. I counted as I worked and I have nearly 400 items to pack and unpack everyday. 2 hours to set up and an hour or so to tear down. Every space is full. I have it all utilized. I only have a tiny bit of backstock left 10-12 pieces at the most. I handled it all like it was living creatures and in a sense they are. This isn't just goods that I bought and am selling. Each line, each item, was a hope, a building block to a better future for me and Woody. Now the hopes are gone. My business is like those moribund children. The life fading from them... the hopes fading away...They are still beautiful, and it breaks my heart...

I often times play the "Lux Aeterna" when I am tearing down the store. I had my own tonight in silence...

Its quiet tonight at the house... I think that there has been a big change here in the neighborhood and I dont know what, but it has been terribly quiet. I love it dont get me wrong, but if its because one of our solders from the street died I shall be very sad.

I will have a requiem here at the house for sure like I did at the store tonight,it is inevitable...As much as I once thought that I had never "bonded" to this house, I shall miss it frightfully and the way it has been a refuge...The only place at all where I could go as Hawaii has been so hostile towards me... We have estimators coming to look at what we are moving and the lady that used to own our house is a real estate agent and she wants to be the one to list our house, and has people that can help us do the up keep needed to get it back into shape. I told her that I am ashamed at the condition of the place and she was encouraging and said not to worry about it. I cant help it and I have 1000 things that pinch and pull at my mind all the time...Its a never ending struggle to give it over to God and try to let go...

Most of the time I fail...

Then I can't sleep...