July 27, 2009

Exit Stage Left

Better days Woody and I on the farewell tour of Hawaii Polynesian Cultural Center Laie Oahu Hawaii 2005

...That's not to say that we know nothing about the future, because we do. Before you and I close this book and call it a day, I thought you might want to know how it all turns out. After all, life leaves us in the dark about so many things. When we're little, we think we know what we want to be when we grow up, but when we are grown, many of us no longer have a clue. We walk down the aisle, and make promises "till death do us part..." but God only knows who will part first. Our babies take their first steps across the floor just to get to us, but we have no idea where life will take them. Or if they'll still like us when they get there. We're dianosed with a cronic diseases and coldly told the survival rates, but we have no clue where our numbers fall in those statistics We watch world news and squirm with the fresh realization that a sound mind isn't necessarily a requirement for becomming a world leader. We wonder how in heaven's name some maniac hasnt lost his mind and blown up the planet yet. We blow dry our hair and wonder if we are contributing to global warming. If we live long enough, and stay lugged in enough, we end up asking the same question our parents and grandparents asked: "what's the world coming to?" We shake our heads like no one has any idea. "



From the book " Get Out Of That Pit!" by Beth Moore Thomas Nelson Pub. 2007

Woody left this morning for California. Check in hand for the proceeds of the house. He has a good chunk of change. I wish him well. On saturday I met him at the estate sale people's place. We both received envelopes with tallies. My total was for far less than I had hoped. My heart sank as I looked at the total.I gave up a lot of stuff, good stuff and got pennies on the dollar for it. I had hopes that there would be funds to fix my car and to have Abi spayed, to go to the doctor and to perhaps buy a few new peices of clothing so I dont look like a scarecrow when I interview. Frankly it really doesnt matter. I need what God gives me. I have given it my best shot and now I need to really focus on finding a job and finding a way to care for myself and for Abigail. I also need to gather myself and really set my heart on the things God wants for me above all else.

Woody is ... such a mess. He has had several falls in the last week or so. He looks like he was rolled in a parking lot for his wallet. Black and blue, skinned knees, black eye. He has called me as usual but has had little to say. It is really over now. Even the shouting is done. As we walked away from the place he stopped me and promised he would call as he made the drive so I wouldnt worry.He gave me a cursory peck on the cheek, and walked to his car and drove off. I know he is angry about things, bitter towards me and the drinking is taking a huge toll. Now that I know what to look for...

I stood there for a moment and thought about the losses I have suffered. Woody, Mak and Nani, our home, our life such as it was. But the biggest loss to me is hope. I spent so many years hopeing for better, begging God to help us. Trying to love Woody to figure out how I could be a wife when so many things that a wife normally does to give aid and comfort to her husband were not acceptable to him. I am still at a loss to say why he married me, why he stayed married to me, and what he truly feels or ever felt. It is a mystery and one that will haunt me to the end of my days.

Looking at the empty house a few days ago, remembering the joy of its discovery and my hope that this would be the end of our journey and that we could enjoy a real life together...not perfect but peaceful and content. I know what happened and that it was my discontent that effected the change... Truly I must admit that was and is a good thing. The person that showed me this huge darkness and gapeing hole in my life left me for his new life sometime ago, but just knowing him as a friend showed me that there is more to this life than what I have experienced. He challenged me to let Woody go, to find my joy again, return to ministry and to allow God to deliver me from despair and bitterness... He was right. I live in such a poverty of soul that it frightens me to think much about the past few years. I am hard pressed to think about how I will get out of this mental/spiritual pit, but I am starting to work on that. It is my hope that soon I will be able to look back and see that this was just a dark valley, a time of germanation under the ground...a death that brings forth new life...

And like a play, you have entrances and exits. This play in three acts...act one called California, act two called Hawaii and act three called Arkansas is over... Woody has followed his script and exited stage left...I am sitting alone again, just as I was December 14,1993, in a pool of light on the stage of life, leading worship, working in the trucking business, closer to God than ever... this is how I am reframing my life now. I will do better than survive this time. It is my fondest wish that I find answers to the deepest questions of my life. I will work the Program, and I will strive to get well. I will accept what is, forgive and let go of what can never be, and detach from what I cannot change and is no good for me. Its a long and difficult road ahead...

And so it goes, this is now "the rest of the story"... my story continues on one day at a time.

Labels: California, Cats, Faith, Hawaii, Marriage, Quotable Quotes, Woody

July 13, 2009

The Sundering

The Hale Pau'ana Huakai...The House At the End Of The Long Journey...certainly the place where the journey ended for Woody and I.

Neither of you can return to the house...by the time we are done with the sale no beds or furniture will be left it will all be sold to the bare walls.Both of your items are laid out side by side... It would not be fair to either of you if you came in when we arent here... The lady running our eastate sale pronounced to me...

The house is sold, the insurance company is paying to put a new roof on, and the neighbors have pitched in to help Woody clear away the accumulated grime of the neglect of months...I tried to start on it myself, and found that my grief, my disappointment and frankly overflowing anger and hurt did not allow me to do much... Woody parked on his ass watching golf while I tried to vacum with a wand that was only three feet long... I think he wanted to see me struggle with that so I would be stooped over in a groveling position. We ended up shouting and I heard for the upteenth time that I only am to him the sum of our accumulated wealth...which he has squandered and blames me for the situation we find ourselves in, he had only to look around at our treasures amidsts the filth... the gold amidst the trash... Our dream home, our dream life in ruins, It was never real because you only have life if you make it...living on the largesse of others is not living... You never go anywhere if you dont work for it. It was a life... but I was the only one driving it, and without the help of a partner wanting to go in the same direction, it was bound to crash.

Aloha my Popoki Makoa and KaNani...

If there are two creatures that have suffered through the desperation of our separation and divorce its Mak and Nani. I saw them a few days ago and they were in terrible shape. Overweight, matted and claws so overgrown that they are having surgery in the coming days to fix their feet and relieve the pain. Their new caregiver is their vet, who is going to try to find a good home for them... why dont I take them...because I may very well need to move soon and that could mean couch surfing, living in a small apartment, or living at a friends home. Abigail has a home with her breeder as long as I need to leave her there... Mak and Nani have been astranged from me since 2007 when I broke my foot. They became afraid of me then I worked nights and went to Louisville. They have forgotten I am their mom...the one that took them out of the cardboard box in the Hilo Famer's market, fretted over them and cried for them as we flew from Honolulu to Houston. Now they hiss when I try to go near them, and their mats are so deep that their skin is sore, so petting is unpleasent and hurts them. I know that things will be better for them any place but where they were

I didnt see them off today, as I was working... but I trust that Woody loves them and will do whats right for them...Its all I can do.

My Chinese desk symbolic of my business and my time in Hawaii

I took my things, including this fragile desk and related peices to the estate liquidators who salivated over it. I believe over half of the stuff that I brought here to Peartree was returned to the house for the sale. I filled the space in the house with something else, and its ok. The extra space is good... the money will be good and the letting go of something that will not make another journey intact... very good. My style has changed. My life has changed. A sleeker, more streamlined look, easier to clean and manage is more appropriate for me. The fabrics,patterns, books of my former domestic life, where I danced, made costumes and all of my own clothing has come to an end for now. It needs to be sold while it still has value, and here in quilting sewing heaven it does! All of the equipment I purchased for my aborted business is being looked at by jewelry pros in the area that are game to try at what I have no nerve to do now. I am letting go of that dream so I can change my life for the better. I have a plan now and if I can get a job soon I will be ok... selling this stuff will buy me time to get under way.

I am also letting go... so what is left of ME will stay intact. Woody is an alcoholic he confrims it by his loud denials and running around the neighborhood finding out if I have "talked" behind his back. I know that he is moving on, headed to a couch, and a job in California and that this is God's plan for me. I wish it could be on good terms.

But I fear that this will not be the case. I have yet to meet a drunk that refused help and still cared about his/her confrontor. Either your beloved drunk gets help, or you need to get going. My mother stayed for 30 years with my Dad. She had her reasons, but I am not going to do that and didnt do that. I also dont have to stay defeated either. Yes, I am going to my first meeting tomorrow night, and yes I am going to get well, whatever that means. If it means sleeping on a friends couch for a bit OK. It may mean 30 days at NW Arkansas Womens Shelter, that could be a good experience... If it means moving 1000 miles south I will do that. If it means uncertainty while I wait on God, and learn the true meaning of faith, I am committed to doing that.

I felt torn asunder this past weekend...I think today...thats a good thing. Its a finality that needed to happen. The Sundering, all of us going our separate ways frees me for what God has for me next. Abi and I are waiting, praying and hoping...

The New Journey is just beginning....

Woody in our backyard with my beloved Annabelle when she was three months old two years ago August 2007

Labels: AA, Abigail, Annabelle, Bella Vista, California, Faith, Hawaii, Marriage, Personal Growth, Woody

July 07, 2009

The Other Woman

The Stranger I Married Woody at Springfield Plantation, Mississippi

Started 7-02-09

When I did open my eyes, it was because I had to. And the man who showed me the truth was a fellow sufferer and a layman. Through him,I saw at last, and I stepped from the abyss to solid ground, knowing at once that my feet were on the broad highway if I chose to walk. ~Bill W with a hat tip to dear Scott at Attitude of Gratitude

My week this week has been one of surrender and discovery... of break through and heartbreak...and truthfully I feel more clear minded than I have in a long while. Like Brother Bill I feel like I have gained a footing and can walk if I choose...

It began a week ago, Woody came to the cottage to see little Abigail (little Ha! shes a whopping 6 pounds and a sturdy little piglet and goes into a frenzy when he comes over.)I have been struggling trying to stay positive in the face of criticism that I myself am somehow to blame for my situation. I have looked hard at my spiritual state not just now but in the past when I for want of a better word, cursed Woody for his weakness, his lack of...backbone... his neglect of me and our needs. Even as the foundation of our lives crumbled he would look me in the eye and say no to any sort of attempt to look for a job or seem to care. I know that I came to a place of speaking death rather than life into the situation, that only hurts myself. Now I find that everything that I ever wished on Woody is befalling me. I have repented and know that God will help me...

I was surprised at Woody's visit but even more surprised when he told me that he had been thinking a lot about my relationship with a mutual friend, and that with the recent disclosures of the Governor of South Carolina and his.."soul mates" ahem... that he felt he would ask... since there was a time in my life when I preferred married men to all other possibilities, had I crossed the line with this married man?...

No... the answer is no. In my heart...well... the heart wants what it wants and I have been hard pressed to deal with it at times... This has been a long struggle. In December of 2007 I wrote this piece about my struggles with my thought life. Its a hard road especially with my emotional life so barren. And with life harder and harder its been easier to indulge this. I know for a fact that the feeling is mutual with this person in a vague sort of way. I can tell and so could Woody the last time the three of us were together in the same place. I am not sure why he asked and was even more surprised that my little pet sin was so obvious to the guy who is a self described empathetic mud puddle... about that deep and that murky... Frankly I never thought that he paid that much attention to the deeper parts of my life... The gentleman in question took a new job a while back and moved his family hundreds of miles away. We talk once in a while but likely I wont see him again. Do I think God is in this? You betcha... For all of our sakes...

The next day was Sunday. Rev Sara did a bang up job, but Pastor David was very much missed. People only mentioned it in a hushed whisper. People want to do the right thing and life will go on... I came home and thought a lot about this whole situation. My situation with unemployment and divorce and the whole mess. I felt a distinct change in my church community as it tries to ajust to regime change and new set up. It added to my sense of loss and confusion...add Woody's questions and well...

I couldn't wait to unload all of this on my counselor Susan... who has been patiently waited for me to tell all someday... she got the whole story... A story that she had been waiting for for weeks...My emotional affair, that is crushing the life out of me because when you cant really have your Beloved the stress and pain can be overwhelming. For me the thought that I could actually feel something for someone, I felt alive... But in truth its like these young people that cut themselves with razorblades pathologically, It damages you even as you "feel" something. I think the worst thing is that it takes you out of the present and you cant live in the moment while doing this. And if you go too far it becomes adultery according to Our Lord... I never thought about this situation that way before.

So I left Susan with homework to practice speaking forgiveness, to three people in particular. First Woody, then Mr. Wonderful, for innocently egging me on in my day dreams, and mostly for myself... Truly this had a great effect almost from the beginning. There was a bit of a formula and I used that every time I thought of it. This was a great thing and I found it really helped. I would get to put it to the test in 72 hours

Both Woody and I are preparing for an estate sale, we both have gone through all of our things and selected what we want to keep and the rest will be sold. Woody is selling 99 percent of what he possesses I am hauling over about 1/3 of my stuff. But because most of the stuff I am selling is small and practical I may make more that Woody selling the beautiful furniture of our Hawaiian Dreamtime.

One thing we hadnt done was go through all of our personal papers sorting throwing out and dividing up. We talked about things that only the two of us know about here. I will miss that. I am losing the only person that knows about a large part of my life, our mutual history. Out time in Calvary Chapel, out time in Hawaii, no one else knows about our struggle...

Woody and I talked about my situation and then out of the blue he said he had something that he needed to share with me but first he sent me to the refrigerator to get a soda... I opened it up...

It was full of bottles of hard liquor. I took the soda out and opened the freezer door... There were more in there. Super cold, so you can drink it straight out of the bottle if you want... I was horrified.

I closed the door and went back into the dining room. Woody looked at me and said "I have a mistress..." I said "Well, how is that going?" He said "OK"... I said "You can get help for that..." "I dont want any help, I want to be left alone..."

As you all know... I have 100 questions about our marriage. About why things were the way they were. If you take most of those questions, and answer the question with "alcohol addiction"...it makes perfect sense. Our financial problems, Woody's peculiar behavior, his lethergy and sloth. His not being able to keep a job and no one wanting to hire him. The reason he never let me see the bank statements for his personal accounts....The reason he didnt want me around... wanted me to go to Louisville and not to return...

I forgave him. I forgave the suicidal mayhem he has unleashed on himself. He takes anti depressants and is diabetic. This is why they cant get his meds stable and why his sugar is sky high and they want to put him on the needle. His weight is going down but he is getting bigger... That is his liver distending... How did I not see this...

Because the wife is the last to know.

7-4 I spoke to him tonight. He admitted to drinking till he passed out but he only did that because he thought I had been in the house and done some stuff... Truth is that he had a blackout and didnt know what he had experienced. I am concerned about him, but the first thing I must do is to let go. I encouraged him to get help and changed the subject. If he is powerless over alcohol, I am powerless over his choice to misuse it and that is the beginning of my recovery. It going to be a long process but I am ready to begin, even if he is not, Its my journey to make, and walking in forgiveness, in Aloha is the way I am going to make it, one day at a time....

Labels: AA, Marriage, Personal Growth, Relationships, Woody

June 02, 2009

Too Many Nevers

Afternoon Surf... North Shore Oahu

Post started 5-29-09

"When you remember me, it means that you have carried something of who I am with you, that I have left some mark of who I am on who you are. It means that you can summon me back to you mind even though countless years and miles may stand between us. It means that if we meet again, you will know me. It means that even after I die you can still see my face and hear my voice and speak to me in your heart..."

Frederick Buechner, "Whistling in the Dark" with a hat tip to Rev. David Fleming

Its been a really tough week...maybe one of the toughest weeks of my life. I just cant hardly believe that so much is going on at once. When I pause to think about it The torrent of greif, fear and sadness floods over me. I dont know how long I can continue this way, I really need a break, and God is the only one who can help me with that...

There have been "never again moments" all week long... every day I have had some and the tears have been non stop. Is this good? Maybe... The grief release is probably just what I need right now.

Well Hoku, I have had word that the Tribunal is set to do a final consideration at the Magesterial Court in Oaklahoma City, its a formality, and I am certain that you will get your annulment....

and with that, Monday was the end of my marriage to the Engineer. While this was a much sought after situation my heart twinged just a touch at the thought that in this life on earth or in heaven we were never truly married in the eyes of God or the church. For I loved him, like I have loved no other... he was fun and exciting and it was never a dull moment. I can still see his bright blue eyes and hear him calling to me with terms of endearment, something Woody rarely did. We have been apart 20 years this December yet it seems like only yesterday that we were together living yes not the life God would have had us live but we were in love and I have missed that all of this time...I doubt that I will know such crazy love again and I long for it sometimes when I hear the wild child I was howling in my soul....

I know this is very hard but no matter what we are going to forclosure on your home...you need to figure out how you are going to make the payments because if you dont there will be additional charges, to the tune of thousands of dollars...

The disaster of last tuesday is still haunting me...Not only am I losing the home Woody is living in but I am losing my home because I dont have the resources now to keep going here. two houses two homes... two people homeless. Its unbelievable. But I saw this coming last year...there was a part of me that hoped that Woody would feel the fear, the pain I felt... What a fool I was because a man that is numb from the chin down wont feel anything no matter what. Woody told me that afternoon that he no longer loved me that he felt nothing and that he didnt care that he didnt feel. Later on he called and tried to comfort me. But the emptiness, the lonliness and the loss... that I am losing a home and a husband sent me into a tailspin. I am also losing a false security, a false life really, that I held for years and I will never know that sort of comfort again

"Oh Hoku, she made me not tell you... Jean was like that you know. She was private to the extreme. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer back in March. She said she called you at Easter, that was a goodbye call. She went into Hospice and died peacefully this morning. She had very little pain..."

Aunt Betty Grace, was so upset, and I cried my heart out. Aunt Jean was 90 and full of days. I know she was with the Lord, and with her beloved Peter. But I will miss her. She was a living link to my father and his life. In the years since she regained the ability to be in touch with us, (she struggled with very severe mental illness most of her life...)she shared bits and peices of a different life and a different time. Most of all I hear words that ment a lot to me. She would remind me that my Dad loved me. I heard it more from her than I ever heard it directly from him

I cried not because I wasnt informed but because I cannot remember a word of that last conversation, and I took it for granted that I would speak to her again. I always told her that I loved her, and yes, the "never" of not being able to tell her that I love her again is a bittersweet.

The Judge:"This divorce is being petitioned on the basis of non consumation...
Ms. Kealoha...how long were you married to Mr.W?
13 years, sir...
You have my condolences, and your freedom upon the end of his hearing. You petition is granted..."

I dont think I need to elaborate with regards to my relationship with Woody. We are both glad that this is over and that we were couragous enough to tell the truth with regards to my resons for a divorce. The statements on those divorce papers belie the good times...the adventures, and the experience that we had.

There are those in my life who say "good riddance" but Woody is not trash to be thrown out. He is a broken person. He is a lost person, and sadly he has no one to help him. So its my hope to help him find some resources this week while I am looking out for myself. I wont be at peace if I think that Woody isnt in a safe place.so I am hoping to find him an advocate at the VA to start his disability paperwork.

I also have begun to work on the Magesterial Annulment for Woody's and my marriage. I may not actually need the same type of paperwork because I was technically never free to marry him in the first place, by cannon law.

The "never" is that while I was never a wife in fact, the divorce ends the waiting the praying the hoping that God would somehow repair the brokeness, and make the relationship into what it should have been. It makes me sad that this did not happen, it is not going to happen and by being honesst about it now I am free to find happiness where I will.

They know...For we all believed what my Father told us all one night in our living room... we were still in High School and one of our friends asked him if the women in his life still ment something to him and Dad said "yes" "If you truly loved someone and you think about them then they and their love for you and your love for them never dies"...

In my friends moving to Pine Bluff, my confronting the idea that I may need to move to Texas and not see my friends here in NW Arkansas again, the "nevers" regarding my quandry are enormous There have been too many "nevers" to confront this week. Please pray for my state of mind and for my job search. Having employment would go along way to improving my peace of mind....

6-2-09 There are a lot of people praying I can feel it as I move through my days. My mental state is a lot better. I am processing the grief, allowing it to register, but not impede my progress... in other words I would love to roll up in a little ball and stay that way but I cannot. I choose to survive this and that means action. I had 4 interviews yesterday including one out of the blue that is so amazing, that if I get this job it will be a dream come true and a LOT of work. But I am ready for that. This of course would resolve my housing situation, however because things are iffy still please pray. I have two different housing situations possible and the third being staying in place. Will know more in a few days.

Labels: Faith, Family History, Marriage, Personal Growth, Relationships, Woody, working

April 13, 2009

A Life Well Lived

Flowering trees taken off the Upper patio of the First United Methodist Church Bella Vista AR

Written 4-9-2009

Its Holy Thursday and I have enjoyed listening to the services on EWTN. They are showing the evening service from Rome, presided over by the Pope... in the church of St John Lateran, I think my favorite of the churches in Rome that I have seen photos of, very beautiful

I am also engaging in a personal ritual. Every year or so, this time its about 13 months, I finish one personal journal and start a new one. This will occur in the next few weeks and I wanted to have the new one selected and ready.

This process usually means my digging in my cedar chest formally known as my "hope" chest, but after two failed marriages there is not much hope there. I have my journals stored in it now to protect them from humidity and the elements. There are 40 completed journals beginning from 1978 till now. Some are in better condition than others, the cheap paper caused the inks to fade, others are as bright as the day I penned the words... thousands of hours of prayers, reflections and narrative... my life bound up in ink, paper and cloth...with insertions of clippings photos and little bits of life. For example... I found a mat clipped from Annabelle's coat a week after her death, the lump of silky hair missed the waste basket. From trash to treasure... I kissed the tiny bit of my beloved and placed it between the pages of my current journal where I noted her untimely passing and my torrent of grief...

I also found a very good photo of my mother that I didnt know that I still had that fell from the pages of one of my journals... I have so few from those last few years of her life. This was taken before Parkinson's hardened her face into a twisted scowl.She was happily riding on a friends borrowed Rascal scooter, Dreaming of her own I think. She was to cannive her way into ownership of a Rascal, just when she could no longer manage it. she took it out and lost control of it and rant the thing off the sidewalk and tumbled her out of it... The Bellflower police brought her home and the nursing home took the keys away from her... Sadly the scooter languished on a uncovered patio, while the payments racked up. These ads on TV for the "scooter store" that tease seinors into buying something they cant afford are criminal. The thing promised freedom that she couldnt afford and couldnt manage. I shed a few tears for the frustration and pain she endured in those last years... it wasnt easy for her...

When I look at my journals, which is not often really, I can spend hours reliving the past in them. I am amazed at what I write about and what I dont write about. The pages of prayers and reflections on Biblical studies in the Hosanna years of 1988 to 1996, and how my writing abruptly changed... How all of my life in Hawaii spanned only four volumes, how thankful I am that I blogged and took all of the pictures otherwise it would all seem like a dream

I said a lot about my mis adventures while married to the Engineer, but nothing specific enough to use in my Magesterial Annulment. Too bad as I really need some help here.

4-13-09

But I think what made me the saddest was the pages and pages of rage directed at Woody and our relationship, and the pages of tear stained missive of how lost I have been over the years, spiritually since the Calvary Chapel debacle. In counseling this past week Susan, my new therapist, and I touched on how the "Offense" that we receive from another Believer or another can be a vehicle for the enemy of our souls to impede our growth as persons and as children of God. I know this to be true.

The two situations are linked. Now that I have been apart form Woody for the better part of a year I have really been able to move forward away from both issues and see real healing in my life. The proof is the forgiveness I have been able to freely give to other "offenders" like Linda the gal from Birmingham, or even the Vet that cared for Annabelle and maybe didnt do all that he could have. I see a peace that I have not had as far as the past goes that I didnt have a year ago.

Looking backwards is a useful tool if you have an objective means to do so. My journals provide that. True, they are subjective because it is only my view of events but I try to be as true to myself as I can be

As I was going through the chest I found the huge stack of letters that I have saved over the years, Certainly not every letter that I have ever received, If I did that I would have a pile big enough to fill my garage floor to ceiling! No these were letters from old boyfriends and old cards and things... A lot could go with no regrets and I re read some of them and had a laugh and tossed the rest unread. The bundle halved I retied the ribbons and stowed the much smaller pile away

Some times I need to dig through some of this for perspective. I have had a good life. And its only maybe half over God willing. I want to be more present in the moment... More intentional about caring for others and for myself...less concerned about the past mis steps and those things I cannot control and lastly more trusting in the God Who Sees me, Who knows me and all that I am. All that I have and all that I am is from Him. I need to learn to believe that He is for my good and that the rest of my life will be just as well lived as the first half was





Abigail playing with her pink doggie... I miss the little mutt let

Labels: Annabelle, Church, Faith, Family History, Marriage, Personal Growth, Woody

March 13, 2009

A Clean Well Lighted Place

Soft Light, a side table in my "den"

"Let there be no mistake, where even one of us is-the entire Body of Christ dwells, through the inviable mystical body of unity-" St Peter Damian, Doctor of the Church

I have really been affected this week by so many of the reports this week about how poeple are dealing with their financial trials... or not dealing with them. Reports not of raw numbers..."there were so many foreclosures this week" ...or "statistics show there are more families on the street now..." kind of dumb, no house means homeless for most people. People trying to do the right thing now have no job and no place to go...Families "couch surfing" with a reletive, kids moving back in with parents... Individuals now living in a camping tents in a park when they were gainfully employed and had a home a year ago. The images are iconic and resemble Depression era photos and drawings that I have seen.

I understood and related to a lot of the stories. Life choices based on a reality that changed for them. Many did have savings and did have retirement plans and didnt have bad loans. But life's issues crept up on them. A daughter's college, a son coming back from Iraq disabled and needing medical treatment... Parents losing their retirement savings... you losing a job two years ago and temping since then now there are no extra jobs...Things unravel fast...

My life changed because I chose to change it. I borrowed against the house to go to school, and start a business. Yes I didnt do as well as I hoped and yes I spent more money than I wanted to, but truthfully I made a good business plan, and thought that I was good to go on setting up the business. But I saw the economy melting down, I was emotionally melting down, Woody wasnt prepared to support me and the business or even himself. Life changed unexpectedly for me. I am no different than anyone else going through this. Knowing that helps me cope when I feel like I am not going to make it. Being homeless is one of my greatest fears and many are the nights that I contemplate it. I have been reassured that this is not going to be my fate, but I am still concerned, because this has become the reality for thousands.

I also read on the blogs a lot of self righteous people blaming the victims. This is just wrong. I have met many people who have found themselves in a real jam since this debacle broke last summer. Yes many did dumb things. Frankly the whole nation did a lot of dumb things for a long time. Many people, especially the retirees I know did nothing wrong, all they did was just save their money... Buy and Hold was the watch word.Look what it got most of them!...

But rather than blame, the words of Peter Damian, quoted by Fr John Corapi SOLT, on Fr Mitch's live show on EWTN the other night rang true to me. He challenged us to see everyone that is struggling as a part of the Body of Christ. In truth, in serving "the poor" you are serving Christ. Rather than blame we need to relearn the fine art of helping people. I have already seen and heard of great efforts to lend a hand to the struggling... If the politicrats in DC would give some of this "Stimulus" money to regular people to facilitate helping out at the grass roots, the economy would jump start. No doubt about it.

The image of the warm clean well lighted place is somewhat iconic for me. I have always felt that if I had this I would be ok. The last year living with Woody I didnt feel I had this, I would come home to the dark house that was dirty and unkept...yes I was partly to blame but I wasnt ambulatory, and was working, and didnt understand why I seemed to have to do it all. It made me angrier and angrier, until the rage was overwelming. I shut down and didnt do anything. I moved to Louisville and into that somewhat sterile apartment, and found that I felt at home in a way I havent in years. Why? it was clean and bright and I could manage it

Truthfully, I think I ran away from home, and that affect the process at Connors and everything else. The rage had time to burn out, now I am shaken and have no confidence in myself. Failing bench tests makes it all feel like a waste... Having great interviews and not getting the jobs isnt helping. I find that I can go to my former home and only feel sad and not angry. I am sad that Woody is living is surroundings that are so depressing to me, sad he cant get a job...I know its not anything he can do much about right now...I am sad he made huge financial mistakes and has nothing to live on in his retirement.Im worried about what is going to happen to him. I see these folks living so hard...It scares me for him and for me.

I see this change in my heart attitude as a step forward.

The title of my post is from a short story of Hemmingway's... I feel like the sad subject of the story needing the light and social aspects of community. Right now much of my community is provided by EWTN. I need to find some sort of social outlet. My friend Linda and I are astranged, I am not sure why. She dropped me off two weeks ago tonight after the road trip to Birmingham, said she'd see me Sunday, and now hasnt come to church for two weeks. She will not answer emails or return phone calls. She concerned several couples at the church so they called to check on them and nothing. So this past Monday she came to a small group breakfast and while she smiled and did ask after a issue in my life she was preoccupied with a new friend and there was no comment regarding anything that had transpired perviously. It was as though she didnt really know me. Yet we had spent days sharing a lot of very personal stuff. I sense she feels badly about something, but she wont let me hash it out with her.... This kills me.

I owe her a great deal. She in taking me to Birmingham provided a "clean well lighted place" that helped me get through a huge loss that she said she understood. If I over stepped or was too much I would like to say Im sorry in person. I certainly will pay her back for the hotel room once I am working. In the mean time I will keep praying that somehow she realizes the harm that has been done. You dont tell me or anyone that you "love" them then abandon them. That is the worst sort of disloyalty, painful in the extreme.

My puppy plans are on hold for a bit. I hope to get to work, and the first few weeks will be very demanding no matter what I do. If no work comes, I may have to relocate somewhere where there are more jobs. Arkansas says they have low unemployment but we have a shadow unemployment because of all of the contract workers here, a lot of people are not being counted. Several areas are being touted to me. I would hate to give up this home in the trees but I am open to whatever God shows me is what He wants me to do.

In the mean time I have this cute puupy substitute. Thank you all for your encouragement since Annabelle's death. I cry for her every day I miss her so. But its getting easier to see other doggies, maybe I will be ready soon for a new baby. I certainly hope so....

My puppy substitute peaking out of her bag.

Labels: Breaking News, Marriage, Personal Growth, Relationships

February 23, 2009

The Long Winter

Snowy Pear Trees Peartree Cottage Bella vista AR

I am singularly unmotivated to write these days ... as I speak my little Annabelle is fighting for her life. 48 hours ago she was fine, then yesterday she began to have serious vomiting and diarrhea...She is up on her shots and doesnt spend a lot of time outside... the vet has tested her for Parvo virus and other issues and nothing. We dont know why we just can see the blood pouring from her rectum every half hour. I will be having her hydrated tonight and Dr. Eric will be coming in to pill her for me, as she cant keep it down just now.

If she dies...

My life is at a low point. I am so down right now. I have no prospect for work , and 90 days of cash after that I will be on the street. Woody lost his job friday along with hundreds more Walmart folks, and others. One of my friends went to an interview for a part time job...2000 people applied for it....little wonder I am getting no action on the job front.

Woody is going to get a foreclosure notice on our house on Ashton Circle, or rather I will get it...the loan is in my name only. What Woody and our cats will do I dont know...I cant think about it. Its not his fault he lost his job... The meltdown here is incredible. Worse, Seniors who have paid off homes are bringing their grown children here to live with them, from other places "worse off". That will only increase the pool of unemployed people. On the other hand a lot of people that came here to work for Walmart and its vendors are selling out and going back to where they came from, as that is where the family is.

I am going to keep trying but I am also thinking about if living with someone is the answer...if someone will have me. I have encouraged Woody to clear out the house and rent all but the master bedroom and bath to a family or two singles, he could do that I wouldnt care, if fact that is a good thing, a positive thing. I went on Craigslist to look for housing for myself, and I saw all of these poor people that are desprately looking for a place to live. He could live with some other guys or even a small family. There are two extra bedrooms and a bath. anyway he is thinking about it.

All last week, the readings and message on the Daily Mass and in my devotional were on faith and trusting God. I take time out a few times a day to pray and meditate on the positive...usually I do well untill about 8 pm from then on its difficult for me to focus on the good things and to have hope. I try not to think of the life we have lived and the way the safety net of our lives was erroded by selfishness and foolishness. I try not to dwell on the past and the huge painful hole all of that has left. I try to not be angry...

One lady at church yesterday said she didnt know how I was still standing up...she said shed have given up and just died... a part of me wants to...so much of me already has in this long winter. If I lose Annabelle I dont know what will become of me...


2-24-09 Annabelle was nearly gone from me when we got to Dr. Eric's. After some hydration, warming her up with a heating pad we got her temperature up ... I have her on a pad now and will check on her in the night Woody is coming to stay with her while I go into town in the morning we have to keep praying she is not out of the woods yet
Pray for me...

Labels: Annabelle, Faith, Marriage, Personal Growth, Woody, working

January 27, 2009

Ice in the Wind

Twilight view from my front window into the front garden Pear Tree Cottage Bella Vista Ar

Once Upon A Winter Day


Once upon a winter day
Gray clouds passed swiftly across the sky
As shapely snowflakes fell steadily down,
Covering the land in a dazzling white
Leaving a winter calling card on the ground.

Once upon a winter day
The snow-edged creek silently wept
Near the shadows of the tall pine trees
Trimmed in a glittering white lace,
Creating an impressive display in the breeze.

Once upon a winter day
Branches drooped to the impassable road
Due to the weight of the snow.
Icicles hung from the dormant trees
In view of the shattered daylight glow.

Once upon a winter day
Nothing is heard but rubbing tree limbs
And a stray dog faintly barking,
The vibrant sound of a frightened deer,
A broken tree branch suddenly falling.

Once upon a winter day
The distant snow-covered hills
Loomed in the path of the gloomy sky,
Where the northerly wind briskly growled
As chickadees and juncos fluttered by.

Joseph T. Renaldi

I have candles at the ready as the lights flicker and the wind outside is picking up. The Ice Storm of 2009 has left a swath of destruction all around me. I am continually amazed at the weather so different from what I have experienced in my life prior to coming to Arkansas. My town has scattered power outages but the worst is south of here where much of southern Benton and all of Washington Counties were slammed by the freezing rain and ice. I wandered out in my sweatshirt nightshirt and trainers, my new neighbors my have thought I was nuts as I walked around the house looking at the trees and snapping pictures of the ice and sleet covered ground.

I have been trying to get up earlier and earlier to try to train myself in preparation for going back to work. Im having mixed success. I am rising, but really am not worth much of anything all day. If I sit too long I drop off, in a semi sleep that is actually painful. I get a headache from it, I believe from lack of oxygen. Im probably not breathing properly. I perk up about 3pm. This is not going to work. So please pray for me, I really need to get re adjusted into a day shift pattern.

Iced Pot in my front garden Pear Tree Cottage Bella Vista AR

I have been singularly unsuccessful in finding work. There are hiring freezes at the transportation companies that I thought would be avenues of employment. I have worked the job boards, want ads and gone to temporary services and nothing. I have only one opportunity and I have decided to embrace it and go forward. An insurance company has approached me to go to work for them. I have a class to take and a test to pass to be licensed. The firm provides online training. I am having some difficulty with the courses... lots of facts and figures to remember. The Firm provides products specifically for the over 65 market, and with the large numbers of retirees here in this area this is an ideal market. I have been promised support and help all the way in this if I work hard. I will, and I know that it will be hard. I have to succeed, there are not other options right now.

I am going to continue to look for work. I need four weeks of temporary work to qualify for unemployment which would be wonderful. I have some reserve left and if I am careful perhaps I can make it. Again, I do believe that this place in my lifes adventure is about trusting God and not my own abilities. Still I am scared as is a lot of the country right now. I am grateful for all of the riches in my posession. For the warm dry house with lights and hot water... and the box of candles. I have a new friend that lives three blocks away that has a gas heating system... (I will be replacing this system with a system like hers one day. The heat pump switches to a gas furnace when that is needed. The people accross the street just put one in and it gives them a lot of peace of mind...)They have invited Annabelle and I to their home to stay if the power goes out and the cold is too much.

I am grateful to be on my own. My mind is clearer and my heart is lighter than it ever was before. Our Divorce is proceeding apace and should be final in a month or so. Just today I was reminded of why this was needed. Woody was home today from the car lot. The poor man hasnt had a day off in all of the time he has been there. His power went off and he hadnt started the gas log... He didnt think about it. Id have had a fit or done it myself. He admitted that a lot of things are not done there as there is no one to do them... the maid is out I suppose...

I shouldnt be too cheeky. i feel badly for him and know that I am the winner here by a longshot. Not by stuff or money...I will pay for this for years with damaged credit and the like. But that peace and contentment are worth any price. And to be alone by my own choice is so very different than being alone because you have been abandoned. I no longer feel as though I have been left out to freeze in the icy wind by an indifferent husband. I have come out of the cold into this warm place and come what may I will deal with any reprocussions with the help of the God Who Shelters Me with His Righteous Right Hand

Labels: Bella Vista, Breaking News, Marriage, Personal Growth, Poem, Scenic Arkansas, Woody, working

January 16, 2009

Suddenly Snowfall

Suddenly Snowfall, the TV room "popout" that looks over the ravine (shown below) taken in the midst of the snowfall Peartree Cottage Bella Vista AR

Beyond all abandonment, I trust...and in spite of my own feeling...I trust. God is completely transforming me into trust...often in spite of what I feel.

Above all things I trust in you, Jesus, for You are unchangeable. My moods change, but You are always the same,...full of mercy.

From the Diary of St Faustina (Diary,1489)

Like many places this week, Northwest Arkansas was hit with a blast of cold air that was surprising for not only its sudden arrival... it had been a balmy 60 degrees just a few days before...but its intensity.Its got down below zero here, and the tiny bit of moisture that passed through turned to a dusting of snow just in time for the morning commute. Imagine the delight of parents arriving at school only to be informed that school was canceled... for a microscopic amount of snow.... sheeesh! Woody didn't go into work either. The temperature was below the limit that the dealership allows for the guys to work the floor. Annabelle and I bundled up in the "TV" room, and I worked the Internet job boards lining up appointments for today. I am interviewing every chance that I get, no matter the weather. Annabelle napped and dreamed of warmer days when she could romp in the Kentucky sun. I didnt tell her that the weather was worse there and I am glad to be here.

My new home is not very well insulated, something I will be checking out before I purchase it later on this year. It could be that this is not the best investment, as there are more and more issues that I am discovering. I good inspection is in order for sure...but we shall see. All of the windows are marginal with regards to temperature transference...with means its going to be hot in here during the summer months as well. I bought some of that plastic sheeting that you use a blow dryer to seal on to your windows interior side to help seal off drafts, and socket sealers, little insulating pads that you put into the switch plate covers to seal them off. I am going to work on that My heat pump is set on 60 with emergency heat on so the air will be warm. I close off the bed rooms when we are not in there and use space heat when we are in bed. With her heater, Annabelle's room was nice and warm. The little bedroom is not much bigger than a closet really, but has its own bath nice really if you had one child this would be a perfect home for a small family. Her crate is on the floor but its wrapped in fleece blankies and out of the draft so she is snugly warm at night. My room on the other hand is an ice box. I hadnt turned the space heat on in there and it was 40 degrees in there as I was getting ready for bed. A veritable meat freezer. I always have a heating pad hooked up and ready. I get horrible leg cramps sometimes and that heat always helps, I turned it on and put it in bed with me. I woke a few hours later and the room was sufficiently warm to not need the pad... I wonder what the poor do that do not have heat. This lady has been in the news here because her story spotlights the problems people are having all over the country keeping the power on and keeping warm. I keep praying and hopeing for a job soon so I dont join those ranks. Im some ways I am already there as I am trying to live as frugally as I can, as though I dont have options...I might not if I dont get something soon...

Im sure you can hear the faint thread of desparation in my voice as I write. One thing I want to do is to get back to really expressing how I REALLY FEEL on this blog. I candy coated a lot of stuff for the sake of my job, Woody, and others around me that arent comfortable with me describing my life via the internet. Truth is I am scared, really scared that for all of my efforts I wont get anything at all and end up... I dont know... I dont have anything to fall back on...

I am a fan of Super Nanny. I know that a lot of the show is scripted, there cant always be happilly ever after, but I do like a lot of her methods, in how she deals with grief and loss especially. Tonights show was a family that had disintigrated over job loss, death and forclosure. I understood why the Mom just gave up and figurativly "rolled up into a ball" I feel that way too. I feel badly that I mishandled a lot of things and that my situation is so rocky. But some of this was inevitable, and if not now when? Woody reassured me tonight to not worry about it and that he is ok with whatever happens, that our marriage was a cancer, and we waited so long to remove it that the paitent our lives are taking a huge beating over it...But we will recover eventually. You have to get beyond the past...which was the point of tonights show and really the point of my time in Louisville. Move into the next frame of the movie of your life...

I so want to do that. But in God's time not mine and I know that could mean a nail biter of a wait. This year my spiritual goal is to learn to totally trust on God's provision and do not twist the arm of God, nor rush ahead and grab what I can in hopes that it is the right thing. I need to learn to live in the moment. Tomorrow will take care of itsself. All I can do is the best I can do today, look hard for anything that will pay something and keep moving. This too shall pass, and just as suddenly as the brown world turned to white overnight. God will make a way for me. I have to believe that, and grow my faith

Labels: Faith, Marriage, Pear Tree Cottage

January 12, 2009

The Petition

my morning window

post started 1-08-2009

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way (I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go)
take me all the way (through the motions)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions

Matthew West

I heard this song this morning and it really sunk in. I think that the desire to stop "going through the motions" is the main reason why I find myself sitting in my lawyers office preparing a counter petition for my divorce. Woody's lawyer set up the petition in the most general way charging me with cruel indignities ect... Sorry I dont want that to go on the record.. Let the truth be told once and for all. I am living in a unconsumated marriage with a man that has spent ever last cent of his retirement with the feckless abandonment of a boy with his allowence. While we have had many many many great times and perhaps still will in the future, I dont want to live as thought this is "happily ever after". I hope that perhaps if I am found worthy I might yet find love again with someone else, and in the mean time I want to be free to serve God as He will and I cant while being bound to Woody.

It doesnt make it easy. There is a lot of unrest in my heart still. I feel badly that I have left him with the house and the mortgage. I go over there and the empty book cases and the general desolation has got to be depressing. I feel like I have not handled this situation as best as I could...but then, I look at the half empty house and realize that this is how the house of my soul has seemed to feel for years and now as the healing has started, I understand that I must look forward and not spend too much time dwelling on this. God has moved me forward and much of the time I feel simply happy for the first time in a long time.

Woody asked me for money this week. I have enough cash in savings for 90 days or so. Not much really in this economy. My prayer is that I will get a job and I am trying looking every day on the Internet. ( I have submitted my resume over 500 times since I returned to Arkansas in November.) I have done some interviewing as well and feel that now that the holidays are over something will come along. I am not picky, and will do what ever to get started again. I dont feel good about giving him money. He has friends that will help him, he can stay in the house many months if he defaults, and there is the painful past...I have no on to help me. I dont have a mortgage right now but a lease. I can be booted out pretty quickly, not that I think Mr. Herring would do that, but I need to be wise about this

It still twisted my heart. I wondered if I did wrong. Why was I so driven about leaving? I have to say that while I was in Louisville I didnt write on my blog the depth of anger, rage fear and disgust I felt about my relationship. Being removed allowed me to vent a lot of that. Its now burnt itsself out and what is left is a bit of an empty shell. Today...the most painful thing is that Woody, who knew I was feeling at time suicidal and filled with grief over it all never said anything like " I love you why dont you come home and we will work it out..." or "I need you home you are done with Charlie's, " or "Please stay in the house and help me while we both get on our feet..." Frankly I felt like he wanted me out in so many words and that makes this harder for me. Being unwanted is the lifetime grief of my soul. No matter how much stuff I received from Woody, what I wanted was his love and acceptance, and I dont feel that I ever received that. It really hurts and now by filing the petition, perhaps I will find peace in this area of my life...

Every morning, when its a clear day, the sun rises in my bedroom window. It signals a truth that I really processed in Louisville, that God gives us a new day to literally "start over". We get a new chance to renew our life journey. Each day is a precious gift. I try to respect the day, and utilize it as best I can. That doesnt mean I have to accomplish a bunch of things...today I put away a few books, did a few online resumes and made a few calls. I also went out and got my hair cut... a much needed excursion. And there is the daily walk with my Annabelle. I rise early and go to bed at the same time. The ruetine is a comfort and I believe will help me regain my health to what it was before I married Woody... My hair dresser already thinks my hair is growing thicker... I have hair so thin you can see my scalp and I am not a old woman. I just need to not sit around and cry about the past. I did a lot of that in Louisville and now I am done with this grieving.

I have stopped wearing my wedding rings and the beautiful Commitment ring that I had made when I first became a Christian. I cannot bear looking at them even though I love the peices very much. I have been wearing a band that Woody gave me nearly 10 years ago that I thought was too delicate for everyday wear. I learned that the under gallery is very supportive and I can wear the sparkling confection daily as long as I dont do home improvement projects in it. Woody noticed that I was wearing it and it made him smile. I didnt take my ring off to piss him off, just to move forward and he got it.

My home is shaping up the way I hoped it would and its making the feeling of being up to my eyeballs in debt worthwhile. As I unload the boxed of books, hang the drapes and enjoy a very new, contemporary styled "chick pad" I feel like I am making a home. I have decorated my bedroom and bathroom with textiles I bought in Hilo before we left (drapes bedding and shower curtain courtesy of JC Penney "Local Style" section) above the bed I hung the print of Hilo Bay,that I had framed in Louisville. There is a lot of a aloha in there and it feels really good. I also have created flower arragements with a tropical feel that gives the whole place a Kapalua look. It reminds me of a upscale condo on Ka'anapalli Beach. Then you go outside and its Ozark leaves and trees. Its so the way my life is now. The aloha is still here but I am here in the southern plains, and living large at that.

Should this not work out and I am not able to get a job I am not sure what I will do. perhaps look at going back to Louisville. I have contacts there that might be able to help me get started, but that isnt what I want to do just now. things are pretty good here economiclly and I am sure I can get a position doing something. Pray for me if you would that I will find work soon. That will go a long way to help me feel settled. Until that happens I need to trust that God will continue to provide. That is my lesson I am learning right now and my petition to On High.

Labels: Annabelle, Bella Vista, Faith, Hawaii, Louisville, Marriage, Pear Tree Cottage, Woody, working

December 12, 2008

Feeling At Home

My little tree, decorated with my fragile ornaments that I haven't been able to use in years.This is a little dark I will try to get a better photo in the am

For the LORD will comfort Zion; he will comfort all her waste places, and will make her wilderness like Eden, her desert like the garden of the LORD; joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the voice of song. Isaiah 51:3

Under my tree I have the little ceramic sign I bought in Hawaii during the dark days...

Be Grateful

Everyday I grow more and more grateful for this little place under the pear trees...I have learned that I have one of retired pastors lives two doors down, and all of the neighbors, well nearly all have come and introduced themselves to me. The brothers that live next door are never home so the time will come when we can introduce ourselves.

I am adjusting to the place un packing, and sorting things out. The last of my furniture will be arriving next week and some of the pieces that I purchased will be going back to the store. I have more than I need as usual. Are we not blessed as a people to be in such a position...I find it amazing

for much of last week I was without a Internet connection but my new set up seems to be working out OK. The cable, at least the video part is more expensive than it was at my old home and I hope to be able to keep it....and everything else going...

Its not looking very good on the job front over the short term. I have been diligently searching but nothing not even an interview yet. I have planted a lot of seeds including applying for a job as a diesel mechanic at a freight company...The GM called me and said he would defiantly pass my resume up the line as "he liked my style" I believe in the spaghetti against the wall approach to finding work ... Throw enough out there and some is bound to stick...

In the mean time I am spending a lot of time working on interior decorating....I am not the best at this... Where are the Top Design guys when you need them? I think I need Tim Gunn to go through my closet I have so many clothes... I need to spend the time to go through them and purge out what I dont wear, or is too big for me now... I don't have as much closet space as I am used to. In fact a startling thing I figured out was that there is no coat closet in this house. Unheard of in this cold weather climate. There is one less bedroom and a lot less closet space overall so I need to pare down...a good thing.

Annabelle has not had an easy time with this transition. She has likely felt very neglected these past few weeks and now she was thrust into yet another different living situation, her third in about 6 weeks. New carpet and other strong smells, new bathroom set up, she has had a number of accidents I think due to not really knowing where to go. The she had her rabies shot, and was quite ill for several days. I was very concerned and worries that she was ill, but she did snap out of it. I kept her eating and drinking which I think was really important. I have gone back to a puppyhood set up of getting her out asap every morning and a long walk to get her emptied out and the same at night and hope that she will grow more accustomed to our surroundings.

As for me sleeping here alone in this house is a touch strange. the house makes a LOT of noise. Its a newer home 10 years old but it creeks and groans like the old house I grew up in. We are on a bit of a busy street and I can hear the cars go by... Nothing like living by the Gene Snyder Freeway in Louisville but it is a bit shocking when a SUV goes revving down the road crashing the predown silence...I will get used to it...

For this being alone is going to become permanant sooner than I expected. Woody went out and sold the Honda Accord we bought 18 months ago and had a loan out in both of our names. Now that loan is paid off and this new car he now has a 2009 Camry, is in his name only with a loan in his name only. I am very glad of this and hope he enjoys the car. He was not as sucessful in efforts to refinance our house. This is going to become an issue I think. But I am trying to not get ahead of God. There is a lot of discussion about "fairness"... which of course is in the eye of the beholder. Woody has also has the home appraised again not with my pre approval but I am ok with this. My lawyer will look over everything. I think that we will be going ahead with a divorce once into the New Year

I am sad but growing more and more comfortable with my life, as I become more involved with work and church and other things that I am interested in this will become a healing. I have many moments of dismay...I find Woody's apathy towards me painful. He hasnt said anything that could remotely be construed as a desire for me to stay in his home and his life as a wife. To be so unwanted is like a knife wound. But that is where we are at. this detachment came over the course of years...it was inevitable.

In the mean time I am trying to settle in an allow myself to become rooted here in this house, to learn to feel at home in a home of my own. To feel safe and secure here and learn once again what it is to feel like a whole person...




My first meal in my home.

Labels: Annabelle, Marriage, Pear Tree Cottage, Woody, working

December 02, 2008

Moving Day

Beautiful Rainbow Falls Hilo Hawaii. Moving is always measured against the extraordinary Trans Pacific moves made by yours truly. This is a cakewalk in comparison.


Post begun Dec 2 2008 7 pm

This will be the last night I sit out here on our lanai and well do anything today the packers came and packed up all of my precious things. Two curio cabinets full of treasures. Six book cases full of books some of which I needed to get rid of before now...well they will be making the journey accross the village to my new home. Their new home, 6 new book cases of vaious sizes and woods will be comming in another day or so along with the new bedroom suite and handy dandy lift up coffee table. The packers were quite efficient and only took three hours to do their thing. I had done quite a bit of the packing and move over a van load of stuff each time I travel over to Metfield and my new abode. The trip is 20 miles round so its best to not waste the gas.

I went to the Metfield Methodist Christmas dinner last night. One of the things that I gain with this move is a new "Sheperd Group" This is mostly a social entity, dinners out that sort of thing. But from what I have seen this group is younger and more active and everyone that was present last night was a "doer" some one very active in the operation of the church...(our pastor and his family are a part of this group as well). I went alone and had a lovely time. A bit of explanation on my solo situation but most took it in stride. Its a shame because we wont be getting back together....(I would be shocked)and I think this is the start of a new chapter in both of our lives

And so it goes. Packers today, movers tomorrow, furniture people the next day, cable comes after that. Then...the next day is a funeral for the husband of a church friend. Dead after a long painful illness, this is a hugely sad event for the whole church...then sunday and we do it all over again. I can bearly breathe for the thought... that I am leaving this house, to return only as a guest...When I came here in 2005, that was an impossible thought.


moving in 3 Ashton Circle

Labels: Hawaii, Marriage

November 17, 2008

Make Lemonade

Dawn over the Ozarks, The Greens at Tanyard Creek, Bella Vista Arkansas...

post started nov 15 2008 3 am

While the deteriorating economy was the biggest problem for the market, two other issues seemed to weight on markets.

One was skepticism Friday that the Group of 20 conference this weekend in Washington, D.C., would produce major results.

The other was whether Congress could get economic stimulus legislation passed in the lame-duck session opening next week. The biggest concern seemed to be whether a rescue package for the domestically headquartered auto industry could be enacted before a major crisis erupted.

The issue is already wrapped up in post-election politics. President Bush called on Congress to give U.S. auto makers quick access to a $25 billion federal loan program by dropping a requirement that the money be spent on converting to fuel-efficient vehicles. Democrats want to tap into the $700 financial rescue pool.

Market volatility will probably continue next week. Reports on wholesale and consumer inflation are due Tuesday and Wednesday.

Plus, investors will have to digest a new round of gloomy earnings reports from retailers Target (TGT,) and Lowe's (LOW, ) on Monday and Home Depot (HD, news, msgs) and Pacific Sunwear (PSUN, ) on Tuesday.

Retailers including Nordstrom (JWN,), Kohl's (KSS,), Best Buy (BBY, ) and Abercrombie & Fitch (ANF,) issued dour outlooks this week, and the government's report on retail sales was taken as confirmation that consumers are simply not spending like they used to.

It suggests, as Lakshman Achuthan, managing director at the Economic Cycle Research Institute in New York put it, "Not only is no economic recovery on the horizon, but the economy is falling off a cliff at its fastest pace in at least six decades."

At the same time, a big question for many traders is whether the market's huge rally on Thursday is the signal that a bottom for the stock market is forming.

The Dow was down 266 points on Thursday morning, with the S&P 500 and Nasdaq Composite breaking well below their lows of October, when a powerful buying surge hit the market. The finish pulled all major indexes well above their closing lows on Oct. 27.

Bottoms take time to form, usually months. The market hit a low in October 2002, for example, and tested it many times before finally breaking sharply higher six months later.

Stocks briefly pulled off opening lows after the University of Michigan consumer sentiment index came in higher than expected. The survey showed a reading of 57.9 in November, slightly higher than the reading of 57.6 in late October. Economists expected a reading of 56.5.

Crude oil closed at $57.04 a barrel, down $1.20 from Thursday and 6.6% on the week. Crude had been as low as $55.69 early in the day. Worries about demand have steadily pushed oil down from its record closing high of $145.08 on July 12.

Meanwhile, gasoline prices continue to fall. The average price of a gallon of unleaded regular gas was down 3 cents to $2.15, according to the AAA Daily Fuel Gauge Report.

Last month, gas averaged $3.13 a gallon.

November is turning into a lousy month

taken from the Market Dispatches report of 11-14-2008
By Charley Blaine and Elizabeth Strott
reporting for MSN

Well, things are not looking too good for anyone, between investment income falling to nothing...and the principal itself shrinking, to the young people around here losing their jobs. Hoku, I think you are making the right decision. You are being a shrewd business woman and not a coward. People arent spending money on extras just now... You dont think you have enough money to do what you need to do...things have gone to hell in a handbasket in your home and you have people interested in possibly giving you a good paying job. Id say go for it. You took a risk quitting and going on to pursue your dream, now just put it on hold for a bit and see how things go...get things in order here (at the new house) and take care of yourself first...

my new lease/mortgage holder "Chuck" a former oil man now retired early and having to dump his rental property to keep food on his table...Yikes!

You know the quality of the tea only when you soak it in hot water and give it a squeeze... Corrie Ten Boom

When Life hands you lemons, make lemonade... my Mother and most of the other ladies in her family use this one...

The past two weeks have been very difficult... heck that is an understatement. I am not always sleeping through the night, waking at 3 or 4 am with thoughts racing a mile a minute..."what am I going to do? What is the right decision? should I do this? Or wait?..." It has been really difficult for me to get through the day...

I took posession of the house on Witherby Drive on the 15th. As I unloaded the cartons on the van from the trek from Louisville I began to absorb the anormity of the situation and what it means to me. I am a home owner...yes at the expense of being a business owner. I had come to realize over the night before that while I have enough cash to build out and buy tools, that was it. I didnt have any extra left to keep things going both at the new house and at the business...In fact I had no reserves left at all. I checked my figures again and again and its true. I never planned for the extended stay in Louisville to cost as much as it did and for things to deteriorate on the home front to this extent. Woody is flat out not in a position to support himself let alone the two of us and the Business plan was based on the idea that I would live with him, he was going to get a job while I was gone ect... didnt happen isnt going to happen and I need to accept that.

So I am praying and thinking about what to do. I went and filed for unemployment benefits. I was astounded at what the amount was per week and hope and pray that I get them.I am applying for work back in the freight biz as there are no jewelry jobs available; even with the holiday times just around the corner.

The setting up at the new house takes money too, from turning the power on the buying appilances. Used would work if it was available but folks keep their stuff here till it rusts so I am buying new and I got a good deal. I am also taking time to replace things like my broken baking pans and 28 year old stainless steel pans that are just ugly. I have gotten the use out of them for sure. I have picked out a set of Rachel Ray in a sunny yellow color.. That is making lemonade visually.

As far as using the new skills I learned at Jewelers school I am thinking about going ahead and setting up a bench in the garage and practicing there. The pop out space is plenty big and can be partitioned off into a nice sized room. I can also put my sewing machines out there and do my sewing...something I have wanted to get back to for a very long time. The time is now. I wont have money for cable, so do something productive with the hours I have been spending in front of the tube. I can take in repair work from friends and pehaps develope a reputation. Who knows...

And the retail space. I am going to see about sub leasing it. Even for a year it would be worth it to not have that payment and to give myself a chance to get settled and get some money in the bank...

This is as hard a thing as I have ever done and it kills me...but I seem to getting used to the pain these days...one painful deal after another... Its hard to see how I will ever rise up again. I know that I will. God is in this I feel it and I know that I need to really try to be paitent and wait and see how things turn out... in the mean time stop and have a glass of lemonade... it was made with all of the love I had for my dream. Take a deep breath and see what happens next...

Labels: Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Breaking News, Business start up, Dreams, Family History, Marriage, Woody, working

November 14, 2008

The Gift

my new digs in the Metfield subdivision Bella Vista AR

"When you come to a fork in the road...take it"

Yogi Bera

"Its a very nice house , yes it a bit close to the road and there is some traffic but you are a bit secluded and its been completely redone. It is a few miles from your shop but you will have a nice lender/landlord and that is worth something"

Yes a great landlord is worth something . We have that in the man that manages the property our shop is in...The real estate agent was a great sales lady. A resident of the Village for 30 years she has seen it all. Woody and I walked into her office with our request "do you have properties that are lease to purchase or have owner financing. The answer was a resounding "Yes". she took us to see this charming little house in the Metfield/Witherby subdivision of Bella Vista.

It had been "yes" from a lot of agents. We were amazed at the number of people willing to do an owner finance on properties that they owned because the market is so bad and the stock market crashed leaving many on a fixed income needing a cash stream rather than a lump sum payment that a straight sale would bring.

I looked at big homes and too small homes. Houses in the older areas that were a touch rundown and ones that had been bought to flip and had been totally redone. What has stunned us is that no one wants a credit application or even a drivers licence or SSA number. I could be anyone out to use their property for a drug house or something...

I didn't start this project with the idea that I could buy something outright. I am so over extended on paper right now that a number of my lines of credit that are unused at this time are being closed. My credit score is in decline as a result, and isn't going to get better as I wont use credit just because I want a better score...Usually that doesn't help anyway. I figured that I would rent and maybe I could find something that would be a lease option with part of the payment going towards the down. I had one lined up like this but couldn't get the owner to tell me his terms. I really liked this home too...but it just seemed like pulling teeth to get anything done.

The field kept narrowing. I was able to call the agent on the home owned by our neighbors friend. I loved the this place and it became a spoiler for all that came after it. the man has had it on the market 2 years and owns it outright. Unfortunately for me hes not interested in owner finance,so I gave up on that one. Another agent sent me to see what could have been the house of my dreams...one worth fighting for, but the owner decided he'd take his chances with the market for a straight sale...he'll get his price too on that one...

While these gentlemen werent willing to carry me, a lot of folks are, and one of those is a man who has four properties here that he is selling. He has the deep pockets to finance this himself. He actually lived in this one for a time and has redone it with new carpet and paint inside and out in colors that are good for me. The yard has a few trees and is all gravel no maintenance with a view overlooking a rugged ravine. One neighbor next to me that may be a single man and a dog ( I see a tie out in his grassy yard and we have see him drive up and put his car into a empty 2 car garage...) there is a wooded set of building lots on the other side. The chances of them selling and being built on is highly unlikely for the time being with the economy as it is and the huge inventory of homes in the area for sale cheap.

I also looked at a huge split level town home near the Methodist church I attend. This home was older in a development that is in transition, most of the units are owned by seniors that are selling to move into new situations, like living with children or assisted living. These are big enough to raise kids in so I needed to think about that. I loved the vibe of the place with its view of the tops of the trees and the city... I felt like it was like my apartment in Louisville and was comfortable with the set up.

The deal breaker was the down payment. the Owner would finance but he wanted a large down. and I also figured out that the place was over priced. So I turned it down in favor of the single family house even though it is smaller, and further away to drive to work. The owner of the house, on his own, asked if I would be more comfortable doing a lease purchase that allowed me to move in with no down, just a 500.00 Ernest money check and the first months payment. He would then handle the taxes and insurance and association fees this year while I get my business off the ground...after a night of sleeping on it... not too much sleeping... I signed the contracts the next day. I will get the keys on the 15th...

I am now a home owner in my own right again. This is a gift that I didn't think would come my way so soon and I know that even though this house wasn't my first choice, I should and need to thank God fasting for this incredible deal. It is the right size, with a real garage (not found in most homes here at this price they usually have just a carport, there is even a "black jack" a pop out space for parking a golf cart and your golf gear in the garage that I can use as a exercise area or a workspace ) There are two bedrooms two baths and a bonus room off the living room (commonly known as a Bella Vista room here. Here in Bella Vista due to the poor drainage, the septics cant be big enough for three bedrooms so they build them anyway and don't put a closet in one of them and that room is used as a den or guest room. In the home Woody and I own,we have a "two-bedroom septic" as well. We put a closet into our extra room by placing a door into a walk in closet in the adjacent bedroom so it is now a "jack and jill" closet) this room isn't set up this way. I will likely us that space as a sitting area or TV area. It has a lovely view of the ravine behind the house. Off of this room is a french door to a screened in deck about 15x15. Plenty big for me and I can expand it to have a open deck as there is another 15 feet of wall behind the garage that would support it. I can also enclose it as we have done with our screened room at the old house. I spend most of my time out in this space....in fact I am there now looking out over the forest as I blog.

Annabelle will be happier in her own space. Makoa beat on her last night and while she wasnt hurt something might happen. I need to get out of the warehouse and into a more comfortable space. I have stopped unpacking the louisville cartons and will be taking them over to Metfield...I am going home to the house that God has given me

Labels: Annabelle, Bella Vista, Breaking News, Marriage, Woody