December 12, 2008
Feeling At Home
My little tree, decorated with my fragile ornaments that I haven't been able to use in years.This is a little dark I will try to get a better photo in the am
For the LORD will comfort Zion; he will comfort all her waste places, and will make her wilderness like Eden, her desert like the garden of the LORD; joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the voice of song. Isaiah 51:3
Under my tree I have the little ceramic sign I bought in Hawaii during the dark days...
Everyday I grow more and more grateful for this little place under the pear trees...I have learned that I have one of retired pastors lives two doors down, and all of the neighbors, well nearly all have come and introduced themselves to me. The brothers that live next door are never home so the time will come when we can introduce ourselves.
I am adjusting to the place un packing, and sorting things out. The last of my furniture will be arriving next week and some of the pieces that I purchased will be going back to the store. I have more than I need as usual. Are we not blessed as a people to be in such a position...I find it amazing
for much of last week I was without a Internet connection but my new set up seems to be working out OK. The cable, at least the video part is more expensive than it was at my old home and I hope to be able to keep it....and everything else going...
Its not looking very good on the job front over the short term. I have been diligently searching but nothing not even an interview yet. I have planted a lot of seeds including applying for a job as a diesel mechanic at a freight company...The GM called me and said he would defiantly pass my resume up the line as "he liked my style" I believe in the spaghetti against the wall approach to finding work ... Throw enough out there and some is bound to stick...
In the mean time I am spending a lot of time working on interior decorating....I am not the best at this... Where are the Top Design guys when you need them? I think I need Tim Gunn to go through my closet I have so many clothes... I need to spend the time to go through them and purge out what I dont wear, or is too big for me now... I don't have as much closet space as I am used to. In fact a startling thing I figured out was that there is no coat closet in this house. Unheard of in this cold weather climate. There is one less bedroom and a lot less closet space overall so I need to pare down...a good thing.
Annabelle has not had an easy time with this transition. She has likely felt very neglected these past few weeks and now she was thrust into yet another different living situation, her third in about 6 weeks. New carpet and other strong smells, new bathroom set up, she has had a number of accidents I think due to not really knowing where to go. The she had her rabies shot, and was quite ill for several days. I was very concerned and worries that she was ill, but she did snap out of it. I kept her eating and drinking which I think was really important. I have gone back to a puppyhood set up of getting her out asap every morning and a long walk to get her emptied out and the same at night and hope that she will grow more accustomed to our surroundings.
As for me sleeping here alone in this house is a touch strange. the house makes a LOT of noise. Its a newer home 10 years old but it creeks and groans like the old house I grew up in. We are on a bit of a busy street and I can hear the cars go by... Nothing like living by the Gene Snyder Freeway in Louisville but it is a bit shocking when a SUV goes revving down the road crashing the predown silence...I will get used to it...
For this being alone is going to become permanant sooner than I expected. Woody went out and sold the Honda Accord we bought 18 months ago and had a loan out in both of our names. Now that loan is paid off and this new car he now has a 2009 Camry, is in his name only with a loan in his name only. I am very glad of this and hope he enjoys the car. He was not as sucessful in efforts to refinance our house. This is going to become an issue I think. But I am trying to not get ahead of God. There is a lot of discussion about "fairness"... which of course is in the eye of the beholder. Woody has also has the home appraised again not with my pre approval but I am ok with this. My lawyer will look over everything. I think that we will be going ahead with a divorce once into the New Year
I am sad but growing more and more comfortable with my life, as I become more involved with work and church and other things that I am interested in this will become a healing. I have many moments of dismay...I find Woody's apathy towards me painful. He hasnt said anything that could remotely be construed as a desire for me to stay in his home and his life as a wife. To be so unwanted is like a knife wound. But that is where we are at. this detachment came over the course of years...it was inevitable.
In the mean time I am trying to settle in an allow myself to become rooted here in this house, to learn to feel at home in a home of my own. To feel safe and secure here and learn once again what it is to feel like a whole person...
My first meal in my home.
Labels: Annabelle, Marriage, Pear Tree Cottage, Woody, working