January 31, 2010

II Samuel 22:3-4,7,17-37,47,50 ~Praises to God

Long Shadows Snowy afternoon Peartree Cottage Metfield Bella Vista AR


"The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior;
my God is my rock, in whom I find protection.
He is my shield, the strength of my salvation, and my stronghold,
my high tower, my savior, the one who saves me from violence.
I will call on the Lord, who is worthy of praise,
for he saves me from my enemies.


In my distress I cried out to the Lord;
yes, I called to my God for help.
He heard me from his sanctuary;
my cry reached his ears.
"He reached down from heaven and rescued me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
He delivered me from my powerful enemies,
from those who hated me and were too strong for me.
They attacked me at a moment when I was weakest,
but the Lord upheld me.
He led me to a place of safety;
he rescued me because he delights in me.
The Lord rewarded me for doing right;
he compensated me because of my innocence.


For I have kept the ways of the Lord;
I have not turned from my God to follow evil.
For all his laws are constantly before me;
I have never abandoned his principles.
I am blameless before God;
I have kept myself from sin.
The Lord rewarded me for doing right,
because of my innocence in his sight.


"To the faithful you show yourself faithful;
to those with integrity you show integrity.
To the pure you show yourself pure,
but to the wicked you show yourself hostile.
You rescue those who are humble,
but your eyes are on the proud to humiliate them.


O Lord, you are my light;
yes, Lord, you light up my darkness.
In your strength I can crush an army;
with my God I can scale any wall.


"As for God, his way is perfect.
All the Lord's promises prove true.
He is a shield for all who look to him for protection.
For who is God except the Lord?
Who but our God is a solid rock?
God is my strong fortress;
he has made my way safe.
He makes me as surefooted as a deer,
leading me safely along the mountain heights.
You have made a wide path for my feet
to keep them from slipping.


"The Lord lives! Blessed be my rock!
May God, the rock of my salvation, be exalted!
For this, O Lord, I will praise you among the nations;
I will sing joyfully to your name.

Labels: Pear Tree Cottage, scripture

January 30, 2010

Turning The Corner

Glowing lights in the snow...Peartree cottage Metfield Bella Vista AR

Im living in a winter wonderland. Over 36 hours we had about a foot of snow here. Not a record but enough to really mess things up for driving and the like. I have been housebound for several days, and have enjoyed the quiet time

I have had a wonderful turn of events. After several weeks of prayer, interviews, hopes then dispair of not hearing an offer of employment was made to me by a local transportation company. I am working as a driver manager on the swing shift 430 pm to midnight 5 days a week, then one 10 hour saturday every four weeks. Its a longer drive than most people would make here but it being off hours, it is not a problem for me. The compensation is good, and the insurance is very good. I was so grateful that when I got the message from the HR guy I literally passed out... I came to on the couch a few minutes later I was so relieved and released from the stress of wondering what was going to happen to me...

Its a interesting place, there are a number of people there that I know, but none of them are the reason I got this job. Its was totally a matter of Gods hand guiding this and frankly I see it as ideal...My transition into the work group has been a touch awkward but nothing I cant handle. I am the only women on the shift and that has made for interesting moments... They dont have a training manual and dont really know what to do. The computer is counter intuative (AS400 based) I have been there a week and have had only 30 minute of computer time and perhaps can answer the phone. Ive been told not to worry about it, the man that is responsible for training me said it was three months or so before he felt that he had it down

The storm this week caused me to leave early on thursday and not go in on friday as the roads were so bad. Im told this will not have a negative impact on my job retention. I was worried because I dont want to be perceived as a wimp, however I cant afford an accident and to damage my van. The ice layer on my van was nearly 2 inches thick at 9 pm so they boosted me out as soon as we were able to chemically melt the ice off my windshield, it took me over two hours to drive the thirty miles home

I feel very differently from the way I did even three weeks ago. The sense of relief, and the ability to start to think about my future is incredible. I can start to address my way past due bills, and the now defunct contract to buy this house. I have no desire to move closer to my job like many of co workers, especially with enjoying the beauty of the snowfall...its worth the inconvienience of bad weather and the drive late at night. So I am praying about buying the house I am currently living in. I will be able to afford it eventually

Working at night has many advantages not just the easier drive. I love being able to awaken naturally in the mornings, to be able to have time for prayer and meditation, walks with Abigail...(weather permitting)and the morning Al Anon meeting on fridays...My days are relaxed and natural so my stress level is so much lower even though I still had first week jitters.

All of the evening activities like RCIA are going by the by. I am meeting with Msgr Scott to finalized the date for my First Confession, which will be different than the rest of the class as I will be coming during the day... again I like the idea that I will be able to take my time and do this right, I have been waiting for this for a long time.

Im also having to give up my home group Al Anon meeting, and a few other activities but again it is really a small trade off

I feel like I have exhaled and turned the corner. I will never take a job for granted and never take the fact that I have a job and am taking care of myself, means that someone else isnt really trying. My choices wont be based on the needs of another but on what I need. I fear that I have a big decision coming that will be hard for some to accept, but I will pray it through and then do what I think is best

I heard a song today that sums up where I have been in this last year and where I want to go on to

Hands

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear

My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken

Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after
We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
I am never broken

In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray

My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
We are never broken

We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's mind
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's heart
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's eyes
We are God's hands
We are God's hands

Jewel

Im grateful to God for His provision I missed neither a meal for want of food nor appointment for want of gas. I sold a great many things but nothing I cant live without. I am so glad, so thankful for all of your prayers and support.


Swathed in snow Peartree Cottage

Labels: Breaking News, Pear Tree Cottage, Poem, working

November 25, 2009

Indian Summer

my view of my "back forty" and Hawksnest Ravine..Peartree Cottage Metfield Bella Vista Ar

Lord,
You take care of the earth

and send rain

to help the soil

grow all kinds of crops.

Your rivers never run dry,

and you prepare the earth

to produce much grain.

You water all of its fields

and level the lumpy ground.

You send showers of rain

to soften the soil

and help the plants sprout.

Wherever your footsteps

touch the earth,

a rich harvest is gathered.

from Psalm 65

It was a beautiful "Indian Summer", for us in the Ozarks. Much of the time, October and November was warm and sunny with some of the most beautiful autumn leaves the locals can remember. The mild temperatures allowed for people to get out to the local craft fairs and harvest gatherings. I found myself drawn out to the bench to spend time in prayer before going into work... But as the month draws to a close and Thanksgiving time is here its cooled off and we may even have some snow flurries in the next few days...We are staying inside mmore and more our of the damp and chill in the mornings

We are doing fine. Im sorry for the long time between posts, but my life is somewhat ruetine, hard to talk about, and my hands are killing me from my Carpal Tunnel, so typing is very difficult...and frankly, most evenings I just want to sit in the quiet of my house with my doggie and my prayer book and be still for a bit, and not even try to think about anything

I can hardly believe it but friday ends my 10th week at Walmart.com. all of the hard work and training is about to be put to the test as we enter the notorious "Black Friday" on 11-27 (called black friday because this national day of shopping is the first day for many retailers that they show a profit or "go into the black" for the year. Not so for Walmart, but that is another story. The company has got a no holds barred approach to this years sales and we expect orders to 5 to 8 times higher than on an avarage day. Already there is a push higher and I have been working 10-12 hour days. Black friday will be an 18 hour day as well as its sister "Cyber Monday" the biggest internet shopping day, on 11-30. If you want a deal on electronic stuff this will be the day. The flat screen tvs are so cheap stores are buying them to resell in their stores...thats cheap.

Through it all there has been much testing of my faith. I went into this thinking that maybe this is it...I will get to stay here and work. Its a good job, I am close to home and its casual dress. People are very kind, even my brash young supervisor, who many people find annoying I see his good heart, and we all had to grow up at our own pace. He has been long suffering with me as well...

But the truth is, its likely that once the Christmas rush is over, I will be thanked and sent on my way. I am looking diligently for another position, and can apply at Walmart now and will. But I think it is going to be a long cold winter for me and I need to prepare for it. Im saving every dime of over time and paying utility bills and my car insurance ahead. I cant have a savings account as I am going to try to get on public assistance again once this job is over...I also should qualify for unemployment and will apply for that.


My garden Angel among the glowing dogwood leaves..

Nearly all of my creditors have me in collections and I know one lawyer in town has 4 accounts of mine. I am looking for a lawyer of my own and once I am working again I will file for bankruptcy. I have nothing, own nothing of value, and frankly I am ready for a fresh start and an end to the 50 calls a day from bill collectors some of whom arent even my bills... I hate it. I hate being a deadbeat, but there is no talking to these people, and its almost like they are forcing me to do this, rather than waiting so I can pay them off. One credit card jacked my intrest up to 39.95 percent, That is so unbelieveable...it has got to be illegal. The amount I owe is going up so fast I will never see daylight...

On a bighter note, my landlord contacted me and things are going to stay the same for the time being. He wants me in the house I want to be in the house and I am very content here

I have no holiday plans I am working half days Thanksgiving Day, the saturday and sunday of the weekend 4 to 6 hours I dont get holiday pay so having this keeps me stable as far as my 40 hours goes. I bought a turkey and some trimmings but will likely cook it next tuesday when Im set to have a full day off likely it too will be a half day... I could get used to that...

Sunday 11-29 is my Rite of Acceptance at St Steven Church. I have not been attending RCIA class but Msgr Marcusk has these lovely cds for me to listen to Im not going to "miss the bus" to Catholic Land this year. no matter what. I am very glad to have found this church and look forward to learning and growing. I also have taken up praying the liturgy of the hours morning and night. That is amazing, and powerful I feel a renewed stiring of Gods presence in my life.

This is my favorite holiday season of the year, its a time of reflection. While I have had a very rough year, I have few regrets for this path I am on. I know deep down in my heart that it is a time of refinement...a time that God is using to refocus me back to the type of life I had before Woody and the illusional life we had. Sometimes it seems like a dream. This now is the reality. The truth is that we have very little control over our destiny...Like a seed planted in the ground, it is God that controls our prosperity or our want. Our responsibility is to choose to do our best everyday and trust Him for our futures. We can plan, sceme, save, work, but like the seed in the ground we cant necessary make it grow, only God gives the increase.

And so it goes...thank you one and all for your prayers and concern. Please keep me in your thoughts as I gather in a harvest of provision. You are a blessing to me...

Labels: Bella Vista, Catholic, Current Events, Pear Tree Cottage, Personal Growth, Scenic Arkansas, scripture, Thanksgiving, weather

June 23, 2009

Moments of Maybe

My little house on Midway street Bellflower CA, since selling this house in 2001 I feel like I have been a vagabond, living out of a suitcase and a packing box...not finding a place of stability.

....Now we are being asked
to begin a journey
in which we have become comfortable...

Sometimes I wish God would just...
....stop doing this!...

I have a favorite chair...
My furniture fits in this house...
My dogs are familiar in this place...
I know how to find the things that I lose....
But... here we go again...

Then,
Somewhere
in the midst of all of
all of the mind numbing flurry
a remembered whisper

"Your favorite chair can be moved
and still be just as comfortable
You home is only a home
because I Am there.

Where do you think I Am going?

Being known is a matter of connection
not time or geography
And as for things lost...
Aren't they always?
When have I failed to find you?"

So...
May we begin this adventure.
I promise to hold on to you
if you will hold onto me
Let us give thanks together
For God, through Jesus Christ
has held us and will hold us forever!

from the unpublished poem "Re Appointment"
by Rev Sara Bainbridge, 2009

It seems that many of us are in the midst of change, I hear this from people I meet in the grocery store, and on temporary jobs and interviews. Between the economic changes due to reductions in income, job changes and enviromental shifts... as things deteriorate economically, for example because homes are foreclosed on your block your own house doesn't sell and you lose it and have to move... or a company closes and this has trickle down effects...

Friends of mine are expecting new babies, or are caring for parents with Alzheimer's... Some are taking family members in because they need a home, and others are giving up their homes, because they can no longer afford to live on their own, or cannot manage the home they have for some other reason.

My situation hasnt changed. I had a glimmer of hope that I had finally landed a job... really a dream job. I had had four interviews..passed the credit checks, a man had flown in for Kansas City to interview me and was enthralled at my story of building my jewelry store in the hostile economic climate of Hawaii. For this Jewery Executive it was his dream lived out... He wanted me on his best team... in the store in Fayetteville.

But the sales numbers for May were not up to par and his goal of expanding the sales force to increase the sales from 2 million to 2.35 million in this mall store were not justified. My hire got shot down by the numbers and people above my and Steve the distric manager's paygrade... I was devestated.

So I called my landlord, who is very sympathetic, but this situation is difficult and if I dont have a source of income by this time next month, he is going to put the home back on the market. I gathered that I would be allowed to stay until it sold but then I would need to get out... The problem with this is that I have to keep the utilities on and frankly I cant afford it...if I were working this wouldnt be an issue, but then I would be staying on at the cottage... as it stands I am going to have to be out soon, or employed...

I have temp work for this week. The pay is low but it will fill my tank and pay the phone bill this month. I worked for FREE last week for a day at one of the best transportation firms in the country... their home office is here in Springdale. It was in the Carrier Compliance dept, and I was taking faxes of Certificates of Authority and insurance binders, and updating carrier data. This is very important to keep updated because should coverage be canceled, and they use this carrier by accident and there is an accident, no insurance, and the company is in deep trouble. It was boring and well, not nice work, but I was glad to be there and show them that I was efficient and knowledgeable. While there I was interviewed by two managers who said that should they have a slot I would be considered ... They are still on hiring freeze and will be for 60 days but this gift of helping out was a seed sown. If I could go to work for these folks I could retire at this company...they are that amazingly great. But in the near term I have not too much lined up....

Several housing solutions are still under discussion I know that God will make a way for me. I am going through all of my stuff with ruthless abandon, hopeing and praying that God will send buyers for my things when I have my sale in July. I received a report from Woody that we have a pending offer on our home, I wont see any cash from that but it will be a load off of my credit report... no more late payments on that loan...

In these "moments of maybe", an expression my pastor used this week to describe the what ifs of life... These What should I do's of ordinary time...I sit and wonder. I love my home, but should I fight to keep it...Hasnt fighting gotten me to this place of penury. Pushing God to do what I want? I dont know I wonder sometimes but in truth, I am in this wilderness so I can learn to trust God with ALL of my heart. My friends with spare rooms and open hearts havent forgotten me and neither has God... So I will wait.

Another thing I am pondering. God made me just to love me, and for me to love Him in return. He will with hold no good thing. I must hang on to that as I ponder being in the "midst of maybe" myself... New doors will be opening. I must be ready to cross over the thresholds

Peartree Cottage swathed in Summer Green Bella Vista AR

Labels: Bella Vista, California, Family History, Friends, Pear Tree Cottage, Poem

June 10, 2009

Prayer of a Common Man

Final resting place... Church of the Holy Cross, Holy Cross KY

Daddy put in his forty years,
got his gold watch,
and then they sent him home.
I never knew what a struggle was like
until I cried tears on his stone.
He was just a cog in their wheel
lived and died on the layaway plan.
But Lord hear the prayer of a Common Man.

Alleluia.
Is anybody out there?
Alleluia
Does anybody care?
Life takes its toll on the heart and soul,
but I’m doing the best I can.
Lord hear the prayer of a Common Man.

A little girl needed braces bad
and it cost a couple thousand bucks.
She has a beautiful smile
but it’ll be awhile on my new
used pickup truck.
This house of cards I built
is mortgaged to the hilt
and its sinking in the sand.
Lord hear the prayer of a Common Man.

Alleluia.
Is anybody out there?
Alleluia
Does anybody care?
Life takes its toll
on the heart and soul,
but I’m doing the best I can.
Lord hear the prayer of a Common Man.

I’m not looking for charity,
I just need some clarity.
I’ve got people counting on me.
And I’m tired that’s all
I’m up against the wall.
Lord hear me when I call.

Alleluia.
I know your up there.
Alleluia.
I know you care.
Life takes its toll
on the heart and soul,
but I’m doing the best I can.
Oh Lord hear the prayer of a Common Man.
Lord hear the prayer of this Common Man.
Phil Vassar

I am constantly reminded that I am not alone in my quest for stability, both personal and financial. The whole country seems to be in a mode of anxiety, and concern. I cannot remember the 70's being this crazy as the Recession and Inflation cycles made life so very difficult for many people then. There were plant closings and runaway inflation, high interest rates, and taxes... There were a lot of poor people, and even more now. Many of these people were the ones screaming for "Change".... Well we have change for the worst, and for so many like myself, where the funds are running low, the frustration level is enormous. I wonder if we will see the riots and upsets that go on in other countries... but perhaps I am off there. My friend Norma, at the blog Collecting my Thoughts has a great post on this subject... I try to limit my news watching and newspaper reading, because the spin doctors are working as hard as they can to ratchet up fear so that the Powers That Be can do as they will. For the life of me I cannot understand how the Governmentcan just buy and sell businesses, tell businesses how to run themselves and how without any oversight by lawmakers all of this takes place... I am not an expert in any of this. Frankly I don't think there are any experts in the house running things...

We are like those in the Old Testament, all doing whats right in our own eyes..., and we have for a long time,We stopped living as or forefathers did, in a Godly fashion and have taken for granted the blessings given to us by God. While things are good, this is thought to be OK, but now that things are not so good we want a King to rule over us, just as Israel did, years ago. Read....

Fist Samuel Chapter 8

Israel Demands a King
1When Samuel became old, he made his sons judges over Israel.2The name of his firstborn son was Joel, and the name of his second, Abijah; they were judges in Beersheba.3Yet his sons did not walk in his ways but turned aside after gain. They took bribes and perverted justice.

4Then all the elders of Israel gathered together and came to Samuel at Ramah5and said to him, “Behold, you are old and your sons do not walk in your ways. Now appoint for us a king to judge us like all the nations.”6But the thing displeased Samuel when they said, “Give us a king to judge us.” And Samuel prayed to the Lord.7And the Lord said to Samuel, “Obey the voice of the people in all that they say to you, for they have not rejected you, but they have rejected me from being king over them.8According to all the deeds that they have done, from the day I brought them up out of Egypt even to this day, forsaking me and serving other gods, so they are also doing to you.9Now then, obey their voice; only you shall solemnly warn them and show them the ways of the king who shall reign over them.”

Samuel's Warning Against Kings
10So Samuel told all the words of the Lord to the people who were asking for a king from him.11He said, “These will be the ways of the king who will reign over you: he will take your sons and appoint them to his chariots and to be his horsemen and to run before his chariots.12And he will appoint for himself commanders of thousands and commanders of fifties, and some to plow his ground and to reap his harvest, and to make his implements of war and the equipment of his chariots.13He will take your daughters to be perfumers and cooks and bakers.14He will take the best of your fields and vineyards and olive orchards and give them to his servants.15He will take the tenth of your grain and of your vineyards and give it to his officers and to his servants.16He will take your male servants and female servants and the best of your young men [fn1] and your donkeys, and put them to his work.17He will take the tenth of your flocks, and you shall be his slaves.18And in that day you will cry out because of your king, whom you have chosen for yourselves, but the Lord will not answer you in that day.”

The Lord Grants Israel's Request
19But the people refused to obey the voice of Samuel. And they said, “No! But there shall be a king over us,20that we also may be like all the nations, and that our king may judge us and go out before us and fight our battles.”21And when Samuel had heard all the words of the people, he repeated them in the ears of the Lord.22And the Lord said to Samuel, “Obey their voice and make them a king.” Samuel then said to the men of Israel, “Go every man to his city.”

We will be like all of the other nations, living in a Socialized, nationalized over taxed and nanny stated suffocation. We will be enslaved to the government in many ways. While I resent the excessive intrusion we have seen in recent days, I am a supporter of change in the healthcare system, and going to a flat consumption tax so that everyone pays a fair share. But I have a real problem with the nationalization of industry, the banking system and agriculture ( a reality since the farm subsidy programs were put into place back in the 30's) but it is not up to me, or to a single party... it is not something we can change without a radical change of thinking among all people in our country. The fruits of the labors of many Americans are not adequate to pay for basics of housing medical care and retirement costs. Solutions will have to be sought for those who work hard but are beggared by a medical emergency costs. A flat tax would bring in enough resouces to pay for the programs that will provide a safety net for those that are trying to take care of themselves.

I meet more and more people in this long strange journey that I am currently on. People that are really trying to be self sustaining and not taking advantage of the system. People like myself that are looking for work, but dont have unemployment due to loopholes in the rules, or other factors. People like me that need some assistance to keep gas in the tank and the phone on, so they can seek employment. Getting food from food pantries is a great blessing but I have an abundance of good food to eat, what I need is a stipend so I can keep my internet on. Many countries provide a small living allowence to everyone who needs it. I think we need that here in the US as well.

We need to start caring about the common man, not about corporate executives who ran their corporations into the ground, or bloated institutions that have long ceased caring for its customers, employees or shareholders...

On a positive note, the news ran stories about families taking in the chiildren of other church members so that the kids would stay out of foster care...and closer to home, families taking in out of work singles and couples to keep them off the streets. I have several people thinking about the logistics of this sort of situation for me. I have a number of promising leads working with regards to employment, sadly none of them will pay enough for me to keep the cottage even to rent it at the current price, let alone buy it.

I will take any job that I am offered. I know that whatever God provides for me will be enough for me...its up to me to find a way to live on that amount. It seems to be the way of the world these days...the way of the common man

Labels: Faith, Kentucky, Pear Tree Cottage, scripture, working

January 18, 2009

Psalm 4~ You Make Me Dwell In Safety

Snow frosted sanctuary, Peartree Cottage Bella Vista AR


Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness!
You have given me relief when I was in distress.
Be gracious to me and hear my prayer!

O men, how long shall my honor be turned into shame?
How long will you love vain words and seek after lies? Selah
But know that the Lord has set apart the godly for himself;
the Lord hears when I call to him.

Be angry, and do not sin;
ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent. Selah
Offer right sacrifices,
and put your trust in the Lord.

There are many who say, “Who will show us some good?
Lift up the light of your face upon us, O Lord!”
You have put more joy in my heart
than they have when their grain and wine abound.

In peace I will both lie down and sleep;
for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.

Labels: Pear Tree Cottage, Scenic Arkansas, scripture, weather

January 16, 2009

Suddenly Snowfall

Suddenly Snowfall, the TV room "popout" that looks over the ravine (shown below) taken in the midst of the snowfall Peartree Cottage Bella Vista AR

Beyond all abandonment, I trust...and in spite of my own feeling...I trust. God is completely transforming me into trust...often in spite of what I feel.

Above all things I trust in you, Jesus, for You are unchangeable. My moods change, but You are always the same,...full of mercy.

From the Diary of St Faustina (Diary,1489)

Like many places this week, Northwest Arkansas was hit with a blast of cold air that was surprising for not only its sudden arrival... it had been a balmy 60 degrees just a few days before...but its intensity.Its got down below zero here, and the tiny bit of moisture that passed through turned to a dusting of snow just in time for the morning commute. Imagine the delight of parents arriving at school only to be informed that school was canceled... for a microscopic amount of snow.... sheeesh! Woody didn't go into work either. The temperature was below the limit that the dealership allows for the guys to work the floor. Annabelle and I bundled up in the "TV" room, and I worked the Internet job boards lining up appointments for today. I am interviewing every chance that I get, no matter the weather. Annabelle napped and dreamed of warmer days when she could romp in the Kentucky sun. I didnt tell her that the weather was worse there and I am glad to be here.

My new home is not very well insulated, something I will be checking out before I purchase it later on this year. It could be that this is not the best investment, as there are more and more issues that I am discovering. I good inspection is in order for sure...but we shall see. All of the windows are marginal with regards to temperature transference...with means its going to be hot in here during the summer months as well. I bought some of that plastic sheeting that you use a blow dryer to seal on to your windows interior side to help seal off drafts, and socket sealers, little insulating pads that you put into the switch plate covers to seal them off. I am going to work on that My heat pump is set on 60 with emergency heat on so the air will be warm. I close off the bed rooms when we are not in there and use space heat when we are in bed. With her heater, Annabelle's room was nice and warm. The little bedroom is not much bigger than a closet really, but has its own bath nice really if you had one child this would be a perfect home for a small family. Her crate is on the floor but its wrapped in fleece blankies and out of the draft so she is snugly warm at night. My room on the other hand is an ice box. I hadnt turned the space heat on in there and it was 40 degrees in there as I was getting ready for bed. A veritable meat freezer. I always have a heating pad hooked up and ready. I get horrible leg cramps sometimes and that heat always helps, I turned it on and put it in bed with me. I woke a few hours later and the room was sufficiently warm to not need the pad... I wonder what the poor do that do not have heat. This lady has been in the news here because her story spotlights the problems people are having all over the country keeping the power on and keeping warm. I keep praying and hopeing for a job soon so I dont join those ranks. Im some ways I am already there as I am trying to live as frugally as I can, as though I dont have options...I might not if I dont get something soon...

Im sure you can hear the faint thread of desparation in my voice as I write. One thing I want to do is to get back to really expressing how I REALLY FEEL on this blog. I candy coated a lot of stuff for the sake of my job, Woody, and others around me that arent comfortable with me describing my life via the internet. Truth is I am scared, really scared that for all of my efforts I wont get anything at all and end up... I dont know... I dont have anything to fall back on...

I am a fan of Super Nanny. I know that a lot of the show is scripted, there cant always be happilly ever after, but I do like a lot of her methods, in how she deals with grief and loss especially. Tonights show was a family that had disintigrated over job loss, death and forclosure. I understood why the Mom just gave up and figurativly "rolled up into a ball" I feel that way too. I feel badly that I mishandled a lot of things and that my situation is so rocky. But some of this was inevitable, and if not now when? Woody reassured me tonight to not worry about it and that he is ok with whatever happens, that our marriage was a cancer, and we waited so long to remove it that the paitent our lives are taking a huge beating over it...But we will recover eventually. You have to get beyond the past...which was the point of tonights show and really the point of my time in Louisville. Move into the next frame of the movie of your life...

I so want to do that. But in God's time not mine and I know that could mean a nail biter of a wait. This year my spiritual goal is to learn to totally trust on God's provision and do not twist the arm of God, nor rush ahead and grab what I can in hopes that it is the right thing. I need to learn to live in the moment. Tomorrow will take care of itsself. All I can do is the best I can do today, look hard for anything that will pay something and keep moving. This too shall pass, and just as suddenly as the brown world turned to white overnight. God will make a way for me. I have to believe that, and grow my faith

Labels: Faith, Marriage, Pear Tree Cottage

January 12, 2009

The Petition

my morning window

post started 1-08-2009

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way (I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go)
take me all the way (through the motions)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions

Matthew West

I heard this song this morning and it really sunk in. I think that the desire to stop "going through the motions" is the main reason why I find myself sitting in my lawyers office preparing a counter petition for my divorce. Woody's lawyer set up the petition in the most general way charging me with cruel indignities ect... Sorry I dont want that to go on the record.. Let the truth be told once and for all. I am living in a unconsumated marriage with a man that has spent ever last cent of his retirement with the feckless abandonment of a boy with his allowence. While we have had many many many great times and perhaps still will in the future, I dont want to live as thought this is "happily ever after". I hope that perhaps if I am found worthy I might yet find love again with someone else, and in the mean time I want to be free to serve God as He will and I cant while being bound to Woody.

It doesnt make it easy. There is a lot of unrest in my heart still. I feel badly that I have left him with the house and the mortgage. I go over there and the empty book cases and the general desolation has got to be depressing. I feel like I have not handled this situation as best as I could...but then, I look at the half empty house and realize that this is how the house of my soul has seemed to feel for years and now as the healing has started, I understand that I must look forward and not spend too much time dwelling on this. God has moved me forward and much of the time I feel simply happy for the first time in a long time.

Woody asked me for money this week. I have enough cash in savings for 90 days or so. Not much really in this economy. My prayer is that I will get a job and I am trying looking every day on the Internet. ( I have submitted my resume over 500 times since I returned to Arkansas in November.) I have done some interviewing as well and feel that now that the holidays are over something will come along. I am not picky, and will do what ever to get started again. I dont feel good about giving him money. He has friends that will help him, he can stay in the house many months if he defaults, and there is the painful past...I have no on to help me. I dont have a mortgage right now but a lease. I can be booted out pretty quickly, not that I think Mr. Herring would do that, but I need to be wise about this

It still twisted my heart. I wondered if I did wrong. Why was I so driven about leaving? I have to say that while I was in Louisville I didnt write on my blog the depth of anger, rage fear and disgust I felt about my relationship. Being removed allowed me to vent a lot of that. Its now burnt itsself out and what is left is a bit of an empty shell. Today...the most painful thing is that Woody, who knew I was feeling at time suicidal and filled with grief over it all never said anything like " I love you why dont you come home and we will work it out..." or "I need you home you are done with Charlie's, " or "Please stay in the house and help me while we both get on our feet..." Frankly I felt like he wanted me out in so many words and that makes this harder for me. Being unwanted is the lifetime grief of my soul. No matter how much stuff I received from Woody, what I wanted was his love and acceptance, and I dont feel that I ever received that. It really hurts and now by filing the petition, perhaps I will find peace in this area of my life...

Every morning, when its a clear day, the sun rises in my bedroom window. It signals a truth that I really processed in Louisville, that God gives us a new day to literally "start over". We get a new chance to renew our life journey. Each day is a precious gift. I try to respect the day, and utilize it as best I can. That doesnt mean I have to accomplish a bunch of things...today I put away a few books, did a few online resumes and made a few calls. I also went out and got my hair cut... a much needed excursion. And there is the daily walk with my Annabelle. I rise early and go to bed at the same time. The ruetine is a comfort and I believe will help me regain my health to what it was before I married Woody... My hair dresser already thinks my hair is growing thicker... I have hair so thin you can see my scalp and I am not a old woman. I just need to not sit around and cry about the past. I did a lot of that in Louisville and now I am done with this grieving.

I have stopped wearing my wedding rings and the beautiful Commitment ring that I had made when I first became a Christian. I cannot bear looking at them even though I love the peices very much. I have been wearing a band that Woody gave me nearly 10 years ago that I thought was too delicate for everyday wear. I learned that the under gallery is very supportive and I can wear the sparkling confection daily as long as I dont do home improvement projects in it. Woody noticed that I was wearing it and it made him smile. I didnt take my ring off to piss him off, just to move forward and he got it.

My home is shaping up the way I hoped it would and its making the feeling of being up to my eyeballs in debt worthwhile. As I unload the boxed of books, hang the drapes and enjoy a very new, contemporary styled "chick pad" I feel like I am making a home. I have decorated my bedroom and bathroom with textiles I bought in Hilo before we left (drapes bedding and shower curtain courtesy of JC Penney "Local Style" section) above the bed I hung the print of Hilo Bay,that I had framed in Louisville. There is a lot of a aloha in there and it feels really good. I also have created flower arragements with a tropical feel that gives the whole place a Kapalua look. It reminds me of a upscale condo on Ka'anapalli Beach. Then you go outside and its Ozark leaves and trees. Its so the way my life is now. The aloha is still here but I am here in the southern plains, and living large at that.

Should this not work out and I am not able to get a job I am not sure what I will do. perhaps look at going back to Louisville. I have contacts there that might be able to help me get started, but that isnt what I want to do just now. things are pretty good here economiclly and I am sure I can get a position doing something. Pray for me if you would that I will find work soon. That will go a long way to help me feel settled. Until that happens I need to trust that God will continue to provide. That is my lesson I am learning right now and my petition to On High.

Labels: Annabelle, Bella Vista, Faith, Hawaii, Louisville, Marriage, Pear Tree Cottage, Woody, working

December 21, 2008

Matthew 1:18-25~ The Birth of Jesus

O Holy Night my nativity set up in my new home


The Birth of Jesus Christ

Now the birth of Jesus Christ took place in this way. When his mother Mary had been betrothed to Joseph, before they came together she was found to be with child from the Holy Spirit.And her husband Joseph, being a just man and unwilling to put her to shame, resolved to divorce her quietly.But as he considered these things, behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, saying, “Joseph, son of David, do not fear to take Mary as your wife, for that which is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit.She will bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins.”All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had spoken by the prophet:

“Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son,
and they shall call his name Immanuel”

(which means, God with us).When Joseph woke from sleep, he did as the angel of the Lord commanded him: he took his wife,but knew her not until she had given birth to a son. And he called his name Jesus.


The Holy Family

Labels: Pear Tree Cottage, scripture

December 12, 2008

Feeling At Home

My little tree, decorated with my fragile ornaments that I haven't been able to use in years.This is a little dark I will try to get a better photo in the am

For the LORD will comfort Zion; he will comfort all her waste places, and will make her wilderness like Eden, her desert like the garden of the LORD; joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the voice of song. Isaiah 51:3

Under my tree I have the little ceramic sign I bought in Hawaii during the dark days...

Be Grateful

Everyday I grow more and more grateful for this little place under the pear trees...I have learned that I have one of retired pastors lives two doors down, and all of the neighbors, well nearly all have come and introduced themselves to me. The brothers that live next door are never home so the time will come when we can introduce ourselves.

I am adjusting to the place un packing, and sorting things out. The last of my furniture will be arriving next week and some of the pieces that I purchased will be going back to the store. I have more than I need as usual. Are we not blessed as a people to be in such a position...I find it amazing

for much of last week I was without a Internet connection but my new set up seems to be working out OK. The cable, at least the video part is more expensive than it was at my old home and I hope to be able to keep it....and everything else going...

Its not looking very good on the job front over the short term. I have been diligently searching but nothing not even an interview yet. I have planted a lot of seeds including applying for a job as a diesel mechanic at a freight company...The GM called me and said he would defiantly pass my resume up the line as "he liked my style" I believe in the spaghetti against the wall approach to finding work ... Throw enough out there and some is bound to stick...

In the mean time I am spending a lot of time working on interior decorating....I am not the best at this... Where are the Top Design guys when you need them? I think I need Tim Gunn to go through my closet I have so many clothes... I need to spend the time to go through them and purge out what I dont wear, or is too big for me now... I don't have as much closet space as I am used to. In fact a startling thing I figured out was that there is no coat closet in this house. Unheard of in this cold weather climate. There is one less bedroom and a lot less closet space overall so I need to pare down...a good thing.

Annabelle has not had an easy time with this transition. She has likely felt very neglected these past few weeks and now she was thrust into yet another different living situation, her third in about 6 weeks. New carpet and other strong smells, new bathroom set up, she has had a number of accidents I think due to not really knowing where to go. The she had her rabies shot, and was quite ill for several days. I was very concerned and worries that she was ill, but she did snap out of it. I kept her eating and drinking which I think was really important. I have gone back to a puppyhood set up of getting her out asap every morning and a long walk to get her emptied out and the same at night and hope that she will grow more accustomed to our surroundings.

As for me sleeping here alone in this house is a touch strange. the house makes a LOT of noise. Its a newer home 10 years old but it creeks and groans like the old house I grew up in. We are on a bit of a busy street and I can hear the cars go by... Nothing like living by the Gene Snyder Freeway in Louisville but it is a bit shocking when a SUV goes revving down the road crashing the predown silence...I will get used to it...

For this being alone is going to become permanant sooner than I expected. Woody went out and sold the Honda Accord we bought 18 months ago and had a loan out in both of our names. Now that loan is paid off and this new car he now has a 2009 Camry, is in his name only with a loan in his name only. I am very glad of this and hope he enjoys the car. He was not as sucessful in efforts to refinance our house. This is going to become an issue I think. But I am trying to not get ahead of God. There is a lot of discussion about "fairness"... which of course is in the eye of the beholder. Woody has also has the home appraised again not with my pre approval but I am ok with this. My lawyer will look over everything. I think that we will be going ahead with a divorce once into the New Year

I am sad but growing more and more comfortable with my life, as I become more involved with work and church and other things that I am interested in this will become a healing. I have many moments of dismay...I find Woody's apathy towards me painful. He hasnt said anything that could remotely be construed as a desire for me to stay in his home and his life as a wife. To be so unwanted is like a knife wound. But that is where we are at. this detachment came over the course of years...it was inevitable.

In the mean time I am trying to settle in an allow myself to become rooted here in this house, to learn to feel at home in a home of my own. To feel safe and secure here and learn once again what it is to feel like a whole person...




My first meal in my home.

Labels: Annabelle, Marriage, Pear Tree Cottage, Woody, working