February 15, 2010

A Familiar Foreign Land

My Winter Wonderland Metfield Bella Vista AR

I am now into my third week on my job. In many ways things are going very well. I love my hours and the work is not the most difficult I have ever done...In fact the job at Walmart.com perhaps was more difficult, the pressure of the quota, the thought that peoples lives were about to be turned upside down when I would have to tell them that there identity had been stolen bore down heavy on me.

What I do now night after night is to comfort, console and direct over the road drivers, many of whom have been out away from home for weeks at a time. I am using a computer program that is based on AS400, so it looks like hieroglyphics on screen after screen and makes no sense at the first glance. I need an interpreter, and the men I am working with have been charged with that role...

Working with drivers and trucking is in my blood and bones. Since I was 11 years old as I told in this post Peaches To Winnepeg. I have heard the siren song of the 4 lane highway for as long as I can remember...the road trip is my idea of royal progress. And for those of my readers who dont get it, just stop into any big box store that had incresed your standard of living. Thank Joe and Jane Trucker for all of that stuff you buy. This is well known familiar place. I speak the language, and when I see the drivers here in NW Arkansas to go to our Driving School, or just pulled in for a load of Chicken from Tyson, or to get a tractor repaired or upgraded... I smile understanding the difficulty of their lot, thankful that they choose to do this work, and I do what I can to assist them. The problems hastles and considerations of this life are well known to me.

But the structure of the company, how they divide the duties and what are the priorities and corporate culture, this is new. I have never worked in a situation where they divide the duties the way this place does, and a lot of it I dont get yet...

The training has been spotty, and its been peppered with "Hey I dont have time for you to write notes down on this either you get it or you dont..." Which of course is a crock. I finally had them assign me some boards to watch which generate driver activity, I answer emails mostly, and ask a lot of questions. Sometimes I get answers... sometimes I try to wing it and it works out or it doesnt. It is a problem and as the week went on I found it harder and harder to swallow... They want me to fail and the smirk on one face when I told my supervisor out loud that after two weeks I hardly know how to sign on to the system told me this.

The truth is that the "tribe" doesnt want "Wendy" in the treehouse. She is like Mom, her presence spoils their fun, that cant cuss talk trash about women, goof off and not look at me and feel like guilty morons. I say nothing about this stuff, I dont comment or react. I cant afford to lose this job. I press on feeling like the enviroment is growing more and more hostile.

Finally it came to a head the other night when the pressure was on and things went going very well. We all had issues to deal with. I was getting very little help...The guy in front of me kept slamming his chair into the partition and my desk so hard that coffee was spilling not once but at least a dozen times, much cursing and muttering about how stupid drivers customers, the day shift...

Then I heard a comment about a "stupid bitch" and another guy said something about the cusser having sex with her...They went back and forth louder and louder with the most horrible violent statements against women I have heard in public in a long time... I was shocked. None of them looked at me as they were doing this but I was sitting right there. One of the two supervisors came running in and Shouted "Enough" and asked if I was alright. I guess I looked pretty bad,and shook my head. I was taken out of the room to a private office.

I was asked if I wanted to report the incedent..."I need this job," I told this man. "I cannot afford to make waves that might go against me, but this was intentional sexual harrassment, and I wont tolerate it. I need it understood that I am allowing you to deal with it tonight but the next time I will go over your head on this. I wont take the "Boys will be Boys nonesense..." "Nor will I accept the "We arent running a Sunday School in here line" He said he understood that... I also told him that should any of these guys decide that I am fair game for any of the things they ranted about tonight that I am not responsible for how I will choose to react or defend myself. I shouldnt have to even say this but since you have a bunch of animals in there I have a right to use a stick on them... He said he understood.But he didt promise that it wouldnt happen again...

I understand that the guys got a dressing down that was composed of... "You sorry bags of trash are lucky you still have a job, if it ever happens again you will lose your jobs... I know that the next evening was pretty quiet...Fine with me

I dont need to be accepted, I just need this job. The manager that talked to me has taken over the training and I have been told that my expectations are a lot higher than the company's...To relax and suit up show up and dont let the jerks ruin a good opportunity. I have been here before. in the late 80's when they could still hang nude photos up in warehouse offices and called it freedom of expression When I had to take the ladies room key that was attached to a 2 foot peice of pipe with a chain, not to keep it from getting lost but to use as a weapon against an attacker that might be hiding in the bathroom on the dock. It is a familiar foreign land that I thought never to visit again. But I am determined to settle there to thrive and improve the situation. It seems to be what God has called me to do and I am content in doing it.

Labels: Scenic Arkansas, weather, working

November 25, 2009

Indian Summer

my view of my "back forty" and Hawksnest Ravine..Peartree Cottage Metfield Bella Vista Ar

Lord,
You take care of the earth

and send rain

to help the soil

grow all kinds of crops.

Your rivers never run dry,

and you prepare the earth

to produce much grain.

You water all of its fields

and level the lumpy ground.

You send showers of rain

to soften the soil

and help the plants sprout.

Wherever your footsteps

touch the earth,

a rich harvest is gathered.

from Psalm 65

It was a beautiful "Indian Summer", for us in the Ozarks. Much of the time, October and November was warm and sunny with some of the most beautiful autumn leaves the locals can remember. The mild temperatures allowed for people to get out to the local craft fairs and harvest gatherings. I found myself drawn out to the bench to spend time in prayer before going into work... But as the month draws to a close and Thanksgiving time is here its cooled off and we may even have some snow flurries in the next few days...We are staying inside mmore and more our of the damp and chill in the mornings

We are doing fine. Im sorry for the long time between posts, but my life is somewhat ruetine, hard to talk about, and my hands are killing me from my Carpal Tunnel, so typing is very difficult...and frankly, most evenings I just want to sit in the quiet of my house with my doggie and my prayer book and be still for a bit, and not even try to think about anything

I can hardly believe it but friday ends my 10th week at Walmart.com. all of the hard work and training is about to be put to the test as we enter the notorious "Black Friday" on 11-27 (called black friday because this national day of shopping is the first day for many retailers that they show a profit or "go into the black" for the year. Not so for Walmart, but that is another story. The company has got a no holds barred approach to this years sales and we expect orders to 5 to 8 times higher than on an avarage day. Already there is a push higher and I have been working 10-12 hour days. Black friday will be an 18 hour day as well as its sister "Cyber Monday" the biggest internet shopping day, on 11-30. If you want a deal on electronic stuff this will be the day. The flat screen tvs are so cheap stores are buying them to resell in their stores...thats cheap.

Through it all there has been much testing of my faith. I went into this thinking that maybe this is it...I will get to stay here and work. Its a good job, I am close to home and its casual dress. People are very kind, even my brash young supervisor, who many people find annoying I see his good heart, and we all had to grow up at our own pace. He has been long suffering with me as well...

But the truth is, its likely that once the Christmas rush is over, I will be thanked and sent on my way. I am looking diligently for another position, and can apply at Walmart now and will. But I think it is going to be a long cold winter for me and I need to prepare for it. Im saving every dime of over time and paying utility bills and my car insurance ahead. I cant have a savings account as I am going to try to get on public assistance again once this job is over...I also should qualify for unemployment and will apply for that.


My garden Angel among the glowing dogwood leaves..

Nearly all of my creditors have me in collections and I know one lawyer in town has 4 accounts of mine. I am looking for a lawyer of my own and once I am working again I will file for bankruptcy. I have nothing, own nothing of value, and frankly I am ready for a fresh start and an end to the 50 calls a day from bill collectors some of whom arent even my bills... I hate it. I hate being a deadbeat, but there is no talking to these people, and its almost like they are forcing me to do this, rather than waiting so I can pay them off. One credit card jacked my intrest up to 39.95 percent, That is so unbelieveable...it has got to be illegal. The amount I owe is going up so fast I will never see daylight...

On a bighter note, my landlord contacted me and things are going to stay the same for the time being. He wants me in the house I want to be in the house and I am very content here

I have no holiday plans I am working half days Thanksgiving Day, the saturday and sunday of the weekend 4 to 6 hours I dont get holiday pay so having this keeps me stable as far as my 40 hours goes. I bought a turkey and some trimmings but will likely cook it next tuesday when Im set to have a full day off likely it too will be a half day... I could get used to that...

Sunday 11-29 is my Rite of Acceptance at St Steven Church. I have not been attending RCIA class but Msgr Marcusk has these lovely cds for me to listen to Im not going to "miss the bus" to Catholic Land this year. no matter what. I am very glad to have found this church and look forward to learning and growing. I also have taken up praying the liturgy of the hours morning and night. That is amazing, and powerful I feel a renewed stiring of Gods presence in my life.

This is my favorite holiday season of the year, its a time of reflection. While I have had a very rough year, I have few regrets for this path I am on. I know deep down in my heart that it is a time of refinement...a time that God is using to refocus me back to the type of life I had before Woody and the illusional life we had. Sometimes it seems like a dream. This now is the reality. The truth is that we have very little control over our destiny...Like a seed planted in the ground, it is God that controls our prosperity or our want. Our responsibility is to choose to do our best everyday and trust Him for our futures. We can plan, sceme, save, work, but like the seed in the ground we cant necessary make it grow, only God gives the increase.

And so it goes...thank you one and all for your prayers and concern. Please keep me in your thoughts as I gather in a harvest of provision. You are a blessing to me...

Labels: Bella Vista, Catholic, Current Events, Pear Tree Cottage, Personal Growth, Scenic Arkansas, scripture, Thanksgiving, weather

February 14, 2009

Psalm 33~Be My Refuge

Nature's Sculpture in ice, an ice glazed tree in my garden. Bella Vista AR


Psalm 33

In you, O Lord, do I take refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
in your righteousness deliver me!
Incline your ear to me;
rescue me speedily!
Be a rock of refuge for me,
a strong fortress to save me!

3For you are my rock and my fortress;
and for your name's sake you lead me and guide me;
4you take me out of the net they have hidden for me,
for you are my refuge.
5Into your hand I commit my spirit;
you have redeemed me, O Lord, faithful God.

6I hate [fn1] those who pay regard to worthless idols,
but I trust in the Lord.
7I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love,
because you have seen my affliction;
you have known the distress of my soul,
8and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy;
you have set my feet in a broad place.

9Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress;
my eye is wasted from grief;
my soul and my body also.
10For my life is spent with sorrow,
and my years with sighing;
my strength fails because of my iniquity,
and my bones waste away.

11Because of all my adversaries I have become a reproach,
especially to my neighbors,
and an object of dread to my acquaintances;
those who see me in the street flee from me.
12I have been forgotten like one who is dead;
I have become like a broken vessel.
13For I hear the whispering of many—
terror on every side!—
as they scheme together against me,
as they plot to take my life.

But I trust in you, O Lord;
I say, “You are my God.”
My times are in your hand;
rescue me from the hand of my enemies and from my persecutors!
Make your face shine on your servant;
save me in your steadfast love!
O Lord, let me not be put to shame,
for I call upon you;
let the wicked be put to shame;
let them go silently to Sheol.
Let the lying lips be mute,
which speak insolently against the righteous
in pride and contempt.

Oh, how abundant is your goodness,
which you have stored up for those who fear you
and worked for those who take refuge in you,
in the sight of the children of mankind!
In the cover of your presence you hide them
from the plots of men;
you store them in your shelter
from the strife of tongues.

Blessed be the Lord,
for he has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me
when I was in a besieged city.
I had said in my alarm, [fn2]
“I am cut off from your sight.”
But you heard the voice of my pleas for mercy
when I cried to you for help.

Love the Lord, all you his saints!
The Lord preserves the faithful
but abundantly repays the one who acts in pride.
Be strong, and let your heart take courage,
all you who wait for the Lord!

Labels: Bella Vista, Scenic Arkansas, scripture, weather

February 08, 2009

Nehemiah 1~ Pray Over The Ruins

Against Heaven heavily iced and frozen branches defy gravaty's pull. Bella Vista AR


The words of Nehemiah the son of Hacaliah.

Now it happened in the month of Chislev, in the twentieth year, as I was in Susa the capital, that Hanani, one of my brothers, came with certain men from Judah. And I asked them concerning the Jews who escaped, who had survived the exile, and concerning Jerusalem. And they said to me, "The remnant there in the province who had survived the exile is in great trouble and shame. The wall of Jerusalem is broken down, and its gates are destroyed by fire."

As soon as I heard these words I sat down and wept and mourned for days, and I continued fasting and praying before the God of heaven.And I said, "O Lord God of heaven, the great and awesome God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments,let your ear be attentive and your eyes open, to hear the prayer of your servant that I now pray before you day and night for the people of Israel your servants, confessing the sins of the people of Israel, which we have sinned against you. Even I and my father's house have sinned.We have acted very corruptly against you and have not kept the commandments, the statutes, and the rules that you commanded your servant Moses.Remember the word that you commanded your servant Moses, saying, ‘If you are unfaithful, I will scatter you among the peoples,but if you return to me and keep my commandments and do them, though your dispersed be under the farthest skies, I will gather them from there and bring them to the place that I have chosen, to make my name dwell there.’They are your servants and your people, whom you have redeemed by your great power and by your strong hand.O Lord, let your ear be attentive to the prayer of your servant, and to the prayer of your servants who delight to fear your name, and give success to your servant today, and grant him mercy in the sight of this man."

Now I was cupbearer to the king.

Labels: Bella Vista, Scenic Arkansas, scripture, weather

February 01, 2009

Proverbs 30~Every Word Of God Is True

Snowed in, the bird feeding station is snowed in Bella Vista AR

Proverbs 30

The man declares, I am weary, O God;
I am weary, O God, and worn out.
Surely I am too stupid to be a man.
I have not the understanding of a man.
I have not learned wisdom,
nor have I knowledge of the Holy One.
Who has ascended to heaven and come down?
Who has gathered the wind in his fists?
Who has wrapped up the waters in a garment?
Who has established all the ends of the earth?
What is his name, and what is his son's name?
Surely you know!

Every word of God proves true;
he is a shield to those who take refuge in him.
Do not add to his words,
lest he rebuke you and you be found a liar.

Two things I ask of you;
deny them not to me before I die:
Remove far from me falsehood and lying;
give me neither poverty nor riches;
feed me with the food that is needful for me,
lest I be full and deny you
and say, “Who is the Lord?”
or lest I be poor and steal
and profane the name of my God.

Do not slander a servant to his master,
lest he curse you and you be held guilty.

There are those who curse their fathers
and do not bless their mothers.
There are those who are clean in their own eyes
but are not washed of their filth.
There are those—how lofty are their eyes,
how high their eyelids lift!
There are those whose teeth are swords,
whose fangs are knives,
to devour the poor from off the earth,
the needy from among mankind.

The leech has two daughters;
“Give” and “Give,” they cry. [fn4]
Three things are never satisfied;
four never say, “Enough”:
Sheol, the barren womb,
the land never satisfied with water,
and the fire that never says, “Enough.”

The eye that mocks a father
and scorns to obey a mother
will be picked out by the ravens of the valley
and eaten by the vultures.

Three things are too wonderful for me;
four I do not understand:
the way of an eagle in the sky,
the way of a serpent on a rock,
the way of a ship on the high seas,
and the way of a man with a virgin.

This is the way of an adulteress:
she eats and wipes her mouth
and says, “I have done no wrong.”

Under three things the earth trembles;
under four it cannot bear up:
a slave when he becomes king,
and a fool when he is filled with food;
an unloved woman when she gets a husband,
and a maidservant when she displaces her mistress.

Four things on earth are small,
but they are exceedingly wise:
the ants are a people not strong,
yet they provide their food in the summer;
the rock badgers are a people not mighty,
yet they make their homes in the cliffs;
the locusts have no king,
yet all of them march in rank;
the lizard you can take in your hands,
yet it is in kings' palaces.

Three things are stately in their tread;
four are stately in their stride:
the lion, which is mightiest among beasts
and does not turn back before any;
the strutting rooster, the he-goat,
and a king whose army is with him.

If you have been foolish, exalting yourself,
or if you have been devising evil,
put your hand on your mouth.
For pressing milk produces curds,
pressing the nose produces blood,
and pressing anger produces strife.

Labels: Scenic Arkansas, scripture, weather

January 18, 2009

Psalm 4~ You Make Me Dwell In Safety

Snow frosted sanctuary, Peartree Cottage Bella Vista AR


Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness!
You have given me relief when I was in distress.
Be gracious to me and hear my prayer!

O men, how long shall my honor be turned into shame?
How long will you love vain words and seek after lies? Selah
But know that the Lord has set apart the godly for himself;
the Lord hears when I call to him.

Be angry, and do not sin;
ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent. Selah
Offer right sacrifices,
and put your trust in the Lord.

There are many who say, “Who will show us some good?
Lift up the light of your face upon us, O Lord!”
You have put more joy in my heart
than they have when their grain and wine abound.

In peace I will both lie down and sleep;
for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.

Labels: Pear Tree Cottage, Scenic Arkansas, scripture, weather

December 28, 2008

1st John 1:1-10~Living in the Light

Cloudflare near Lowell AR


The First Epistle of John Chapter 1

The one who existed from the beginning is the one we have heard and seen. We saw him with our own eyes and touched him with our own hands. He is Jesus Christ, the Word of life. This one who is life from God was shown to us, and we have seen him. And now we testify and announce to you that he is the one who is eternal life. He was with the Father, and then he was shown to us. We are telling you about what we ourselves have actually seen and heard, so that you may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ.
We are writing these things so that our joy will be complete.


Living in the Light
This is the message he has given us to announce to you: God is light and there is no darkness in him at all. So we are lying if we say we have fellowship with God but go on living in spiritual darkness. We are not living in the truth. But if we are living in the light of God's presence, just as Christ is, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from every sin.
If we say we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and refusing to accept the truth. But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from every wrong. If we claim we have not sinned, we are calling God a liar and showing that his word has no place in our hearts.

Labels: Bella Vista, Scenic Arkansas, scripture, weather

September 15, 2008

The Dirty Side Of The Storm

Sunrise over East Louisville notice the trees are already bending with the wind blowing. As the day heated up the wind would blow harder

The "dirty" side of a hurricane is the eastern side of the storm. Here, winds from the south, full of moisture, wrap into the storm causing heavy rain, storm surge, and tornadoes. As the storm moves inland it interacts with other weather systems. The area between the eastern side of the hurricane and the other weather front can be subject to hurricane force winds even though the hurricane itself has subsiding wind speeds.

Its as though the air is being squeezed in between two powerful wheels spinning in opposing directions. The wind heats and creates tornado like conditions. Add a deep broad valley like the Ohio River Valley and that cyclonic wind ripped though here like the Hurricane driving it

I woke to the winds, the whistling sound reminded me of the Pacific Tradewinds that blow across the Hawaiian Islands. Getting up at 5 am to make it to Beargrass by 7:30 is hard but has its rewards. This sunrise was beautiful. It did so remind me of Kauaii when Woody and I visited there.



Roofing ripped off of the buildings here at Indian Springs.

Finished the service at Beargrass and headed over to Watkins at 10 am. Wind blowing harder and harder. As we started the service at 11 am the power went out and it was all acoustic from there on in. Looking out the windows you could see branches whipping around and pine cones flying off at dizzying speeds pelting windows and cars in the parking lot. Then there was a huge crash and the building shook. People were starting to get up when the pastor stood up and said "Nobody leaves this building, if that is a tornado out there, we are safer in here. The children are safe in their building..." I saw ushers go to the doors. He was right and people calmed down instantly. I was really glad when we did go out in an hour or so and saw the devastation in and around the building, including a giant pine tree that had crashed against the side of the fellowship hall



Like our Church, the complex had a lot of damage from falling and flying trees and their branches. This apartment has a hole in the living room ceiling and the people are moving out today into a temporary unit

I got home at 1 pm and there were shingles flying off the roof and a chimney from an adjacent unit in the drive that had been torn off. I pulled my van into a more sheltered area in between the buildings and tried to get out. The wind was pushing against the door so hard I couldn't for the life of me get the door open. In between gusts I got out and up the stairs... Just as I got in I looked out the window and saw trees being ripped out of the ground and laid out on the first green...I backed away from the windows facing the trees and had my lunch in the back bedroom. Annabelle and I then took a long nap. We did lose power briefly but here in northeast Louisville we have had power pretty much continuously



Many of the homes in the subdivision where Annabelle and I walk had siding and shingles ripped off and many many trees are down.

11:00 pm

I didnt see much in the national news but I did see this report according to the tv news 215,000 people are still without power. Because this storm was a freak, people were not prepared. Gas lines were long and fights broke out when gas was rationed out. Our Governor declaired a state of emergency last week over the price of fuel. Kentucky has had an investigation over the way the fuel has gone up in price and gauoging is being reported and people have been arrested over it . Because of the heat and spoilage people are looking for food at resturants. Markets are closed, as are schools and many businesses.

One big concern is the condition of the course at Valhalla about 5 miles from here. The Ryder Cup is being played here starting tomorrow. Louisville was all geared up for the world looking in on the city and the clean up was done today in hopes that all will go well with this long planned event. There is nothing Louisville loves more than a grand sports event and I doubt this will slow things down too much

a favorite resting spot for me and Annabelle

I am still really amazed at how much damage and disruption this has caused. But thankfully we didnt have flooding rain nor did the winds last beyond the few hours. Things are ragged but at least we can clean up and arent suffering like those on the Gulf coast. I have been saying prayers of thanksgiving for that.

Labels: Breaking News, Current Events, Kentucky, Louisville, weather

July 19, 2008

The Summer Haze

Quiet reflection. A silvery haze hangs over the Greens at Indian Springs, the pond behind the 11th green, Indian Springs township Louisville KY

Remember that no matter how far you go, how much work you do here in therapy, you will perhaps be light years away from the place you were in, yet standing just around the corner from the person that you were. God calls us back to the first things all of the time, its up to us to see them for what they are and go to Him for the grace we will need time and time again...

Janice Alarcon to the author 1988

Here I am Lord and I'm drowning
In Your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight

I know You've cast my sin as far
As the East is from the West
And I stand before You now
As though I've never sinned
But today I feel like
I'm just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far
the East is from the West?
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
Cause You know just how far
the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again
Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far
the East is from the West?
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
Cause You know just how far
the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

I know You've washed me white
Turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through
To get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel
But by the truth Your word reveals
And I'm not holding onto You
But You're holding onto me
You're holding onto me

Jesus, You know just how far
the East is from the West
I don't have to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
(mercy I find rest)
Cause You know just how far
the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

(Just how far,
the East is from the West,
Just how far)
From one scarred hand to the other
(You know just how far,
the East is from the West,
Just how far)
From one scarred hand to the other

Mark Hall, Bernie Herms
from the album:
Casting Crowns:"The Altar and the Door"
due to be released August 28,2008

Im lingering in a haze not unlike the one that is hanging over the Ohio Valley right now choking us all with the foul air as bad as any in LA. Its been in the 90's for days and with little rain for the last 10 days, there is nothing to clear out this inversion of air pollution. The heat index has hovered at 105, very dangerous to be out in this. Annabelle and I go out and walk in early morning, and I cant take her out even for a few minutes in the evening she starts to have athsmatic like coughs and frankly its pretty nasty anyway to be out

Thunderstorms would be welcome to clear out the foul air. In my life I wonder what will clear out the haze in my heart. I feel at odds with life and wonder what I need to do next.

I went in monday and told Charlie that I was going to leave. He said that due to the unforseen situations that I had faced and that I still wasnt really ready to take the JA test as planned I was welcome to stay as long as I liked free of charge to prepare for the exam. While his offer was gracious and I accepted I felt like I was... well...sort of pulled back into the vortex and I dont feel very good about it. I want to make my own choices and not be manipulated...

Truth is I want Charles approval. I feel like a fool when I take him my work that I know is not even up to standard, but I also want to do as he asks. Seeing more demos on the basics wont be helpful. I just need to do it over and over again.

Its that need for approval that bugs me. I thought that I was through with that, but I guess I am not...I am back where I started from when I was first in recovery. Twenty years hasnt made too much of a difference or has it. Only God knows

7-20-2008 10pm

Thunderstorms are ripping through Kentuckiana as I type this. Hopfully this will cool things down some. Its been reported that there have been deaths among the elderly here from the heat. I notice that a lot of my neighbors have their windows open and use fans rather than the A/C. Truth is that there are a lot of folks having hard times and cant afford the power bill. I am lucky as my apartment rent is all inclusive and I dont have to worry about it.

Woody called tonght and I am worried. Worried again that he says he has done nothing all week but read sleep and eat and watch golf on tv. I dont know what to say. I have asked for mail for a month now and have a list of things that I have asked him to do for me that have gone undone. His depression is very bad, I understand this perhaps better than most having watched my mother struggle to care for my dad for 30 years. My father spent what should have been the best years of his life in a drug and alcohol induced haze sitting on the sofa in our living room. Oh he did the dishes and kept the house vacumed and did a lot of little chores that Woody should and doesnt do...but insted of using his fine mind he let his time go to waste and I think Woody is headed in the same direction. In some ways he may be in worse shape because my father had us to think about, to talk to and to love and Woody doesnt have anything other than the cats and perhaps me... I am not sure how he feels about me really.

I dont want to "take care of" Woody. Work my butt off come home and start over doing all of the house work making all of the decisions... Its just wrong and its very bad for both of us. Woody has to decide to look after himself, to make a plan and follow through. If he cant do this that means he needs a more intensive treatment program and he will need to pursue that. If he chooses to not do that. I will have to make a decision that will be painful for both of us, because living in a relationship that is more co-dependent than the one we have now is not acceptable to me. I have a life too and I dont want to squander it sitting on a couch in a depressed haze waiting for change that will never come. It will be hard but I can do it and I feel more and more that this change is coming and will come.

Perhaps if I were to leave I could learn to forgive again. I love the words to the song I posted, because I want to embrace that forgiveness again but cant seem to anymore in the face of the constant rejection and rage that floods over me constantly in his presence. Its not fair to him or to me, and I know that I need the time to heal from the awful damage and try to reframe the relationship in such a way that is pleasing to God and therefore workable. If I can only see through the haze of past pain and move through it, it could be done. Please God may it be so...

Labels: Conner School, Family History, Health, Marriage, Praise and Worship, weather, Woody

April 04, 2008

Skating Away On The Thin Ice Of A New Day

Peaceful Ohio River Near Albany Indiana.

3am departure from the house in Arkansas, Woody at the wheel and Annabelle in her travel crate. The van only partially filled but filled never the less with those things that I think will aid me during this period of my life.

As we pulled out I thought about an old Jethro Tull tune... Not big on the first verse but the second and the third seemed very appropriate

Skating away ---
skating away ---
skating away on the thin ice of the New Day.

So as you push off from the shore,
won't you turn your head once more --- and make your peace with everyone?
For those who choose to stay,
will live just one more day ---
to do the things they should have done.
And as you cross the wilderness, spinning in your emptiness:
you feel you have to pray.
Looking for a sign
that the Universal Mind... has written you into the Passion Play.

Skating away ---
skating away ---
skating away on the thin ice of the New Day.

And as you cross the circle line, the ice-wall creaks behind ---
you're a rabbit on the run.
And the silver splinters fly in the corner of your eye ---
shining in the setting sun.
Well, do you ever get the feeling that the story's
too damn real and in the present tense?
Or that everybody's on the stage, and it seems like
you're the only person sitting in the audience?

Skating away ---
skating away ---
skating away on the thin ice of the New Day.

I have spent the last four weeks "making peace" with everyone...that I could. I wish that I had been able to spend more time with people that matter to me that I wont see for months, but what was done is done and now we are on this new road.

We stopped only for the briefest rest stops. I was able to take Annabelle walking. She did a great job traveling and even though she has found herself in a vortex of change. There is not one thing the same about her life from this week to the last, but she is flexible and good hearted and has been a big help in my ajustment to the new surroundings

It seems that a doogy kiss or a good walk around the block cures everything...

The drive out while long was uneventful. I have had the flu for nearly a week and was feeling pretty bad as we loaded the van and took off. Between sleep apnea and double dipping on cold medicines, I dropped off constantly, so Woody did most of the driving. I was very grateful. Without him I coulndnt have done this.

We arrived in Louisville and our apartment was ready. We were grateful for a bed and a location with over 300 eating opportunities with in a short distance so we could fine refreshment. The Springhurst district has some of the finest shopping and dining opportunities in the city. I can walk accross the street to the mall or the Meijer store, and drive to an additional 200 stores and resturants. They also have a "spa" for Annabelle with doggy daycare and overnight.

Im crashing until monday when I start my training at the Conner School. They have really improved the classroom area and have opened a retail studio next door. There is only one student currently, and joy of joy, it seems that Charles has stayed off the smoking. My lungs will be eternally grateful

4-5-08

We have had two days of heavy heavy rain here. Flooding in a number of areas and even in this area of high ground, the gournd is soggy like a wet sponge. My rooms overlook the first green and today was the first sunny day and there were plenty of golfers cursing the SLOOOOW sloppy break into the cup.

Woody and I have had a good week here. He has done everything he can to help me get settled in. I think he likes it here, There is less of eveything and it feels like a vacation home rather than our house. Its given me the idea that getting rid of about half of my stuff it likely the best thing that I can do for us at home...

Annabelle loves the things that are missing... The kitties! She is free to do what she wants to do and we dont have to worry about Makkie chasing her or Annabelle getting into the litter box or the cats food both are very bad for her to be involved in. We are having some struggle with the bathroom. I should be so lucky really. She has no desire to go on her peepad but will hold it forever until I can take her outside. With the pouring rain this was not possible, so with paitence, treats and some prayer she is starting to understand that she HAS to go when I put her in her bathroom and that going out is a treat. I will try to get her out twice a day when I can.But with more bad weather on the way this is going to be tough.

I really like the situation, I am so grateful for every little comfort that has been accorded to me and am ready for this next phase of my life. I will be putting Woody on a plane sunday evening for NW Arkansas, and his new life. He hasnt lived alone much in his life and this will be an interesting experience for him

Labels: Annabelle, Conner School, Louisville, Traveling, weather

March 28, 2008

The End of the Drought

Quiet Sugar Creek, Bentonville AR. It hasnt been like this in weeks and much of my favorite walking trail is innudated and bridges are out. Hopefully they will be fixed when I return in the fall...


I woke this morning early to the sound of hail hitting our roof. I can tell the difference from rain now, the soft ping-ping of rain on the hood of the heat pump is like music, the sound of hail like buckshot blasting down from heaven causes alarm. It hailed so hard and long last evening that it looked like it had snowed in Haiwasse amd Gravette, the next towns over from us. It had been so warm during the day that our hail, the size of water softener salt, melted very quickly. Annabelle and I had just come in from walking and we sat and watched the lightning and the wind whipped clouds until the storm passed. She didnt seem afraid. I make a point to not be afraid with her. I dont want her to become one of those poor pets that cries at every bolt of lightning. She would be a mental case if that were to happen. I would say "Its ok, and she would lick me as if to say "Dont worry Mom, I'm an Okie from Muskogee, land of twisters and hail the size of golfballs... This is nuttin..." and so she is very brave...

The Ozarks were in a state of long standing drought when we arrived in 2005. Lakes streams and reservoirs were way down and fell futher untill this winter. Its been cold and wet, now torrentially wet. We are not in the flood zone like those east of us on the White river. Sadly we are a part of the souce of their misery and as I see the spillways of our lakes flood into Big Sugar creek, a feeder stream for the White River that should crest today. 34 counties here in Arkansas are slated as disaster areas including Benton county where I live. Bella Vista, for the most part, is built on the hills and the water drains into lakes and sreams away from the buildings, Parks, golf courses and fishing lakes fill the valley floors and absorb what runoff the streams dont take to Big Sugar Creek. I count myself very fortunate.

I am nearly ready to leave for New Albany/Louisville and my apprenticeship/training with Charles Conner. My apartment is ready, furniture is in and utilites on. The Ohio River crested this week with no damage to the school which is only a few blocks away, and all seems well for the cross country trip this week. I have nearly everything packed up that I am taking. I likely have ten time more than I need but frankly, I dont want to buy anything that I can hual down there. I have plenty of room in the van. We pulled out the passenger seats, and realized a huge amount of extra space. I will need this on the return trip as I will be hualing back supplies and equipment for the shop

After exhaustive vetting, bids, ect. I finally have a General Contractor selected, and SHE, yes a local gal that came highly reccomended, will start by painting and getting that yucky mustard color (why, people, is this color so in vogue, as well as the swamp mud brown that seems to be on the walls of every spec home in the area? It looks like poop!)Karina will be getting that done now so the smell can have a chance to disapate a bit. Im glad of that.

Since leaving my former employer, I have had a chance to relax and let go of some of the things that were troubling me about staying on there. Now that I am no longer on the payroll I can talk about some of the things that were going on. The company allowed a lot of things to go on that in no way should go on in this day and age and frankly I needed to leave as I was not in a position (nor did it affect me directly as my bosses were fantastic gentlemen and were nothing but respectful and kind to me) But eventually that was going to change, as I was going to have to return to day shift and start dealing with the rampant sexual harassment and well "fishing in one's own pond" a climate of infedelity that was treated as ok. I saw myself as possibly becoming entangled in at least one person's life and perhaps in one other's and I needed to bail. I would be working for new managers and who knows how that would go. That is one reason I would have nothing to say on my blog about work, I was prohibited from writing anything that might get back to the company or pop up on the internet, and even now I wont say who I was working for...it doesnt matter.

On the home front Woody and I have been cordial and getting along. He took great exception to the post I wrote back in February regarding manners Saying that I took HUGE liberties with the truth and that it wasnt a big deal. Well it was to me and I felt that I wrote that and didnt exagerate the truth. He says he reads my blog to get a feel for how I feel because "I dont tell him" No, he doesnt listen to me doesnt hear me and I feel right now as if I will explode I have so much to say... But to express it will only cause trouble here at home. Maybe he should just talk to me directly

I predict that there will be a lot of changes in the comming months... the time alone will be good for me. It is my hope that be releasing myself from the surroundings of pain, disappointment and frustration I will find that my personal drought will have ended and that in the quiet of my near solitude after a day of learning a new thing that maybe I will have something to say and I can feel good about saying it. I wont have to listen to critical voices telling me how wrong I am. Im sick of it. I hope to one day find a place in this world where I fit in. I am willing to work for it, create it for myself.A friend shared with me that he felt that "there was life here." I think he thinks for Woody and me, but I dont think so. I think I must try to reframe my relationship with him, but the "life" will come from elsewhere. I am gestating life within me, a new life for myself. It is only a matter of time

Labels: Annabelle, Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Bella Vista, Blogging, Business start up, Conner School, Dreams, Louisville, Marriage, New Albany, Scenic Arkansas, Traveling, weather, Woody, working

March 18, 2008

The View From Here

The Family Room where we spend most of our time.

There is a bunch of noise and commotion emanating from the Lanai, Annabelle has discovered that Makoa is fun to play with, but the play must be carefully supervised. It reminds me of a monkey pulling the tail of a tiger. The tiger swats and stalks the nuisance and sometimes connects with the swipe of a paw, POW!... Annabelle barks at the cats and trying to get them to play with her, but usually it gets a bit crazy and the puppy runs to me or Woody wanting to get picked up. Often I ignore her until the very last moment, because she is usually the cause of the ruckus...

Except on the very coldest of days we spend most of our time in this space we created out of the screened in porch known as a "Bella Vista Room" as this was a design feature in nearly all of the older homes built here. Many like us, enclosed the semi insulated space and turned them into family rooms. On rainy days like this it is the place where Annabelle comes to do her business on a pad and get some much needed exercise. Shes filling out and weighed in at the vet (she had a tick and I needed to learn how to get them out, it was very interesting but that bug was disgusting. I now know what the word "parasite" truly means.)

We have had days and days of rain here and some of the first major flooding I have ever seen here in Arkansas. You know the commercial about flood insurance, where the people say that they dont live in a flood zone and are calmly sitting in their living rooms as the water is taking all of their stuff our the door? Woody and I kept looking at each other and we swore that we would check on flood insurance.

The sun came out today but the water is still draining off of the hillsides and is pouring out of spillways and normally dry creekbeds at a torrential rate. Golf courses, and parks are under water and a numbur of structures have been undermined by the flooding. It will be days before we get back to normal. For us we can see a lot of erosion and top soil loss in our back area and Woody says he will have someone out to look at things once he gets back from driving me to Louisville. Our neighbors covered their entire yard with gravel to stop it from sliding down hill. We might need to do the same

Spillway out of Lake Bella Vista. This was taken before the storms this week, the water flow has doubled and was above the bridge. This becomes Big Sugar Creek which flows into the White river, then on to the mighty Mississippi

We are fine, and wanted friends and family to know that since the news reports were looking pretty bad in some areas of Northwest AR

Preparing for my departure April 1. I nearly have all of my things packed up. Clothing is the bulk of it. Still chilly there and will get back to that before I come back home. I am taking as much as I think I will need so I dont have to buy anything I might already own. Money is going to be a lot tighter than I thought as the surging price of gold is jacking every cost up and up.

I am also hualing all of my Nutrisystem food that I have here with me. I have gained most of the weight back that I lost last summer due to lack of exercise and eating out most of the time. Frankly I gave up caring about it. My health has suffered as a result, so I am going back on while I am there we shall see how things go with that. The sleep disorder issue has reared its ugly head and it got a lot better with getting the extra weigh off again its life and death so I need to just do it and stick with it. My concern is what do I do to keep it off... We shall see once I get there

Labels: Annabelle, Bella Vista, Louisville, weather

January 16, 2008

The Near Miss

```
Neighborhood destruction, BellaVista Ar. I was unable to take many photos of the extensive damage as the police asked me not to, "as an effort to stem looting". "Only those holding press cards were allowed into the area."

entry started 1-12-08

"Hoku, look at the NOAA site and check the weather map, you need to get out of there and get home sooner than 0100, there is some very bad weather comming your way"
"History Guy," I said" We have drivers all over the US in trouble the weather is hideous,"
"Trust me, you need to get home. promise me you will leave soon"

History Guy wasnt kidding. He is a history and curent events instructor that works nights and weekends for thisplace. He studies weather as well as Civil War battles... The weather system streaming up from Texas was very powerful and was streaming over Benton County insted of passing above it like it usually does. We had been sighting constant lightning all evening, and steady rain but not heavy.. So my cube mate and I we stayed on and worked, even worked late. There just seemed to be one problem after another... It was 1230 in the morning when I walked out to the parking lot to my van.

The weather had been unusually warm, in the 70's. When the storm kicked up I knew we were in for it. As I pulled out onto the bypass, I could see the curtain cloud with its bright flashing of lightning streaming up from the southwest. Awesome beautiful and terrible all at the same time. I drove home slowly and carefully as the leading edge overtook me and it began to drop soft pea sized hail intermittantly.



more damage on Camden Drive Bella Vista AR. The press, as I have come to find out were not allowed in either and there was little reporting of the damage to our town. There is an investigation into the whole restriction of information collection, and who is behind it and why going on now.

By the time I swung into the town and up Camden Dr. the percipitation had ceased and I saw no damage, just a huge amount of water, streaming down hillside culverts and the Lake Avalon spillway into Tanyard Creek...water flowing so hard I could hear the roar with my windows rolled up. I crossed running water only once and that was at the base of the hill, near where I fell and broke my foot in September. I crossed carefully and made my way up the hill to our little circle and parked my trusty van in the garage. It was 0130

At two I was in bed, The wind was blowing, and I had presence of mind to crack my bedroom window. It faces due north. I got into bed and as i reached for the light swithch, there was a noise like a freight train roaring through. The house went black and I could hear the snapping of tree limbs and felt a change in the air pressure. The lightning was non stop...



The house I was thinking of buying last summer. Ruined. I know that the owner is still trying to sell, but has moved to MO to be near her folks who sold their home next door, also damaged by the wind.

I thought that was it and for the most part it was. We continued to have rain and wind but no more cyclonic bursts like the one at 0220. The next morning was bright sunny and cold. No power, but the gas log sort of took the chill off and Woody and I made plans as to how we were going to handle no hot water... not opening the fridge and thankful that this wasnt summertime. I had a 11 am hair appointment so I got the garage open and drove out not seeing any damage in the immediate area.

By the time I had gone but a block or two I saw why we had no power. These photos were taken less than a 1/4 mile away where a catagory 1 tornado or "straight line wind burst" of over 100mph (the weather people are still not sure what it was)It whatever it was went right over us and hit these folks. Its going to take months to fix up the damage.

LakeAvalon Spillway into Tanyard creek

I went on to the appointment and shot this picture of the Lake Avalon Spillway. The levee has some damage and we have had officials out to look at this. I know that the new city council is really concerned, and I believe that a news blackout was declaired so as to not panic people. The waters have receeded and I have seen shoring crews up there working on the clean up. There was house debreis possibly blocking the waters path diverting it this way, making it look worse than it was.

1-16-08

A week later and there was very little reported locally. Our neighborhood is somewhat back to normal. Our power was restored in 24 hours for which I am grateful. Isnt it amazing how much we take for granted, and how much our lives depend on electricity?

I have lived on earthquake faults, seen my house torn apart by one. Endured flooding,drought and lived on the flank of the worlds most active volcano, Kilauea. I am finding the weather here more and more intimidating, and never take it for granted that "the mountains will protect you" The dry line is just above us and the big storms can hit at any time. I am just glad that the freak tornados of this strange winter missed us, and took no lives as they went through.

Thank you Lord, no one was killed or injured, and that I didnt buy this one!

Labels: Bella Vista, weather

February 24, 2007

Breaking The Back of Winter

Blooming Dogwoods Honey Creek State Park Grove OK

2-23-2007

We have gone from freezing to blissful here in the Ozarks. I never thought that I would say that air temperatures in the 50's would feel "blissful" but the sun is warm and all is right with the world...It looks like we will be getting another blast of winter, but without the freezing we have been experienced recently. I am sort of looking forward to the thunder and lightning that is being predicted.

I took this photo this time last spring. It is still too early for dogwood to be in bloom. Many of these trees were destroyed in the ice storm of a month ago, The Oklahoma border lands were really hard hit. Towns between Fort Smith and Tulsa were robbed of their trees by the ice, tops and limbs snapped off, piles and piles of debris everywhere. I wonder how the summer will be with out the family oak in the front yard. So many were beyond repair, split right down the center.

Woody and I saw this as we took a driving trip to Tulsa two Saturday's ago. this was unplanned so we didn't do much more than have a meal and return a different way. I slept in the car and somehow that was good, usually I mind if I miss one thing, but the barren landscape depressed me so, I wanted to shut it out.

I am fighting the demons that beset me at the end of last year. I know that part of this is cyclical, part of it is my account at work leaving and getting the news that I am going back to the same horrid job I had before, worse because I am in the talent pool and so can be called upon to do the work no one wants to do, and should I stay here for long, will be rendered ineligible for the annual bonuses that account assignees get. Its a rotten deal. I have a final interview today for a position and two more next week, we shall see how things go. Its a test of my faith, God gave me this wonderful situation these past few months I can count on Him to do the right thing for me

2-24-2007

Woody started his new job at the old car lot, and propitiously it has rained like crazy with thunder and lighting. We had planned to go someplace today but I was asked if I could fill in for a sick person at work today so I said yes, they asked nicely and it will allow me to request next Friday off to go on retreat a little early as a birthday bonus...

Woody wanted to celebrate his last day of freedom by taking me to the movies and to dinner after work, sort of a date night. We went to a new resturant that opened in our new Mall, Mimi's. We had them in California but this was a whole step above those we knew. Very good, we both had fish and it was great.

Another reason we went out was the opening of the film "Amazing Grace". A historical work rather than a religious one it was very good and I recommend it to everyone Christian or not because it deals with the idea that one man can face down tyranny and succeed. Would to God we would see a William Wilberforce in our day, for there are so many evils in our world the could use a champion like that...

In a trailer advertisment for the film that we have seen but many of my peers have NOT seen, because of the politics of the 90 second clip, showed the irons of the slave ships, some of the horrible images of the West Indies plantaion abuse of slaves, as Wilberforce is debating in Parliment, and the chilling caption that ran under the music included the statement "This is the story of the abolition of the trading of enslaved Africans by Great Britian, a effort spearheaded by the tireless work of Willian Wilberforce.... (long pause) Slavery did not end however ..there are as many African slaves in the world today as there were in 1790..."

We do nothing about Africa as a nation. Darfur is not even a blip on the political map... but remember that shocking statement, there are as many African slaves in the world as there were in 1790. I intend to research that myself, but somehow I believe it...

I loved the film. I loved the way it dipicted Regency England, and how they handled the whole subject. But for the want of not making the movie Titanically long, they left out a few details that I missed but non history buffs wouldnt miss. Kids can see this. The images of slavery are brief and hinted at more than overtly shown and it would be a great way to introduce the subject, and why we must defend human dignity for all even those different from ourselves.

I have some new projects going and will tell you more about them as time goes on.

Labels: Scenic Arkansas, weather

February 02, 2007

The White Season

Enrobed in Ice

1-31-2007

I am home early, a 30 minute drive took me two and a half hours. I was traveling up Highway 540 at a decent but not too speedy clip when I realized that I was accerating and didnt have my foot on the gas. Red lights ahead and I knew I wasnt going to stop. I had lots of space in front and behind, as I tried to brake and the van began to rotate. I pulled a 360 and ended up in the slow lane face front and rolling slowly. I nearly peed my pants...As the truckers that had been way behind me pulled up next to me a few minutes later, I got a two thumbs up and a "great driving, that was black ice we were on...".

But I got home in the dime sized dryish falling snow... It has been falling now for four hours and will be drifting in the light wind that is blowing. All around are still many fallen trees pulled up by the roots they seem, naked foundation's showing...If this turns to ice we will have even more trees pulled up like carrots by their tops.

Woody was already home, He no sooner got to the car lot than they shooed him out to go home. I did see one poor slob out on the lot showing a car in 20 degree plus windchill and pumulling snow. Not me, Give the warm place by the fire.


2-02-2007

Back at work today. I worked from home yesterday, as we werent plowed until later in the afternoon. Yesterday was gloomy and cold, today is brilliant and colder yet. Too cold for me to go walking in my fairly light clothes. I saw a groundhog (I kid you not) out along the side of the road, the sun was shining, so it six more weeks of winter for us in the Ozarks. I am thrilled I love the snow, and maybe one day I will learn to drive in it!

Woody went into the carlot and they did actually have some traffic but its still very slow. There is a lot of talk of layoffs. Funny though the people that he was working for last year, Hendren All American are interested in hiring him back should he want to work for them. With a two mile commute, sure he's interested. Also a lot of the creepy people that gave him a hard time are gone so its nice that he might have something on the back burner should he get sacked.

Tis the season of change in the transportation business, people are moving to new accounts and new jobs. We have three people leaving this week off our team. One is going to a new account, one is leaving to go to work for the Walmart Home Office in their Transportation divison, and another is following a fellow team mate that left before Christmas to teach English in South Korea. I am envious of this last young man and his friend (and his friend's girlfriend too that I believe went along...) such an adventure. And I am sitting here.. Ho hum...

I did finally go out for a walk. The wind was blowing the temperature down to the single digits, and the ground was crunchy and slippery, but it was beautiful. One of my co-workers has a disabled son in the new state run day care accross the way from "thisplace". I saw the kids out for five minutes of snow time. That is about all they can take but they were loving every second of it. I wish I could have taken a photo, but in these days of sick child predators, I didnt want to upset anyone... I found myself affected by their abandon, I need to find that part of myself again.

Labels: weather