November 06, 2008

Landfall

Brilliant Country near Louisville KY


my final week in Louisville was really good. Woody came in on a mid-day flight and we spent a few days together in the apartment. We also drove out to the Overlook Resturant, near Levenworth Indiana for an early dinner one afternoon, and a long drive to and from the resturant through the countryside where the leaves were shining in the brightest colors of the Fall. It was pretty romantic, a thought not lost on me...Perhaps it was my way to say good bye to a place that I have fallen totally in love with.

The final two days were hectic and at times down right crazy. I dont know if I was procrastinating because I find the whole packing and moving thing crazy making or rather that I just feared what I would find when I got home. There was this increasing sense of dread....

Then there was my stuff... I am a professional loader of stuff. I used to be able to look at a pile of stuff and say "that is x amount of cubic feet and will fit in x size trailer". Not so anymore. We were loading up my boxes of stuff into my van and realized that it wasnt going to work. So off to UPS and we pack and shipped 10 cartons off to Bella Vista. OK right on...But that wasnt the end of it.

I cant believe my stuff. We packed carton after carton and it kept mounding up. I also had a wrought iron patio set that we strapped up on top of my van's roof. I realized that I hadnt set aside room for Annabelle's crate. Off to UPS again and this time eight more boxes were shipped. I put the crate into the van and stuffed it with more cartons. I barely had the room for the remainder and shut the doors on the van ...it was like Mcgee's Closet you didnt dare reopen the door. I had this sinking feeling that I left something important behind, but I didnt dare check... I just had to trust that all was in order

We had planned to pull out by noon it was four pm when we pulled out. Woody drove, so I could watch as Louisville, gleaming in the afternoon sun passed by and on over the emerald Ohio and into Indiana...I cried, I didnt think it would hurt like this but it does.

Because Annabelle has grown so much, she didnt fit in her travel crate very well, so she rode on my lap. She was as enthralled with the beautiful countryside as I was...mile after mile we watched as fields and farms passed by...farmers getting into barns the last of their crop before darkness fell and the weather turned. Tractors pulling loads down the highway seemed to surprise her... all of the lights wizzing by... then the muted darkness. The rocking motion of the car soothed us both I think. She has never been a lap doggie, but she rode on my lap until we arrived in St Louis, where due to the traffic I thought it best and safer that she get into her travel crate and sleep untill we arrived home.

It grew cold and I had her favorite blanket with me and wrapped us up into it. After Bella settled into her crate I kept it around me and slept on and off it had been a rough week for me. I had a cold and hadnt slept well...Woody continued to drive and we did some talking in between. Serious talking. I found to my surprise that I may have misjudged him. I dont understand why he does what he does and why he feels what he feels but there seems to be no malace. He seems to be at a place where he wants to be alone as well. We agreed to keep trying, as we had all week, to be civil and not get into each other's face too much. We had come to an agreement on subdividing the house, my living with Annabelle in the mastersuite and the lanai...where I spend most of my time anyway. and Woody and the cats in the rest of the house. They had been in this space all while I was gone and it seems to work for them.We, Bella and I feel a touch cramped as we are used to having the run of a whole apartment but that may be changing in the near future so we shall see how things go.

Woody was a hero and drove 10 hours straight through stopping for gas twice and a quick bite. We rolled in and made Landfall at 2 am Nov 1.I was home or rather I arrived at a place that I have lived before

I dont feel like I am home. There are many reasons for this, most of my own making. But this is my house and I slept in my own bed that night. Annabelle marched into the Master Bath where her crate is housed and wanted in for the night she slept like a stone and seems to have fallen into her old routine like a trooper.

The messy house that I left was clean as though 100 cleaning faries came and did a lot of hard work. Woody again had given it his best shot and did a very credible job. He feels he can maintain it. I hope so. Since we have been home I have seen a great deal of domestic activity on his part, from trying to clear the monumental amount of leaves to changing a shower head on his own with no help from me. I am trying not to instruct or direct on this but am standing back and letting him do things failing if need be and asking for help if he needs it from the other men in the neighborhood... To me this is how it should be. I have tried to hurry and deal with the 18 cartons from Louisville as well as all of the stuff in the van. Its nearly all put away and while I had to unpack some stuff I have chosen to leave a bunch packed up for the future as I am looking at homes to move into in the next few months, allowing us to have our separate residences again.

I have had moments where I have felt like a disembodied spirit, and other times like my time in Louisville was just a dream. Truthfully there were times that were better than I could write about here and many others that were worse. Now the time has come for me to bring it on and show the world what I learned from Charlie Conner and others. The Contractor has been called in and I should be building out soon. I cant wait to get going on my business

As I said I hit the ground running looking for places to move to and I now have three so far that look very promising, one a lease option house, one a town house near the Methodist church that the owner will finance and has offered terms, and the third is a stone's throw from the shop and is a perfect house for me. We are waiting to see if the owner will finance with no down or low down, as his price is above market but its been vacant for two years and he wants to be done with it...Everything is negotiable. I have a half dozen realators looking for me so we shall see.

I have made Landfall. The landing was hard and a touch painful, but I have felt more and more at home. From the warm welcome back from my neighbors to the heartfelt hugs at my church where I went to vote this week in the election, I feel like the sailor home from the sea...the soilder home from the war and for me the prodigal returned from the Far Country of the Bluegrass...home to face the challenges of a new life in the making. No regrets only challenges to face...and why do we do it? because its the hardest thing we can do...

Labels: Annabelle, Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Bella Vista, Business start up, Conner School, IN, Louisville, Marriage, Scenic Arkansas, Woody

October 11, 2008

Highways and Byways

Horse Fences and Sailboats, the sweet life in Prospect KY

I had a hard time titling this post. I have had another week of incredible sweetness tempered by the bitterness of the loses financial and personal, but only material things these are. I am constantly reminded that God is good and my intrests are at the forefront of His heart. This is a very hard thing for me to focus on as for most yea all of my life it has been the others in my life that have received much of the good and I the short end of the stick. this past seven months has been while not an easy time for me, a time to sit back and enjoy a respite and feel like the good is pouring into my life I shall ever be grateful for it.

Fields of Gold, fallow pasture and an abandoned tobacco barn or shed... near Owenton KY


I have been working hard on the business making calls and re thinking the whole thing. I redid the layout incorporating the many sugestions that I received from various sources and now have something that more resembles a jewelry store. With the huge hits that retirees have taken this week on their portfolios there have been questions about if I should open up at all. One of Woody's stockbroker friends said that if I opened today I would be shut down and out of money in six months. He could be right. If I was only dependent on the retirees patronage,

Bella vista is not all seinors anymore, of the total population 78 percent still work and 65 percent are under the age of 55. So I think that the pensioner issue isnt as important. I had yet again another lady from the area tell me that she has work for me to do, will I be open for Christmas? I hope so.

I have figured out what the barest minimum amount of buildout I would need to be functional, it only takes half of the money that I have left. Squeeking by I can do this, but barely, its going to be hard.


Autumn Pastures, Trimble County KY


I took Annabelle for a playdate at her groomer this week. she loves little dog day...A day when the groomer has only toy dogs for boarding and grooming. Margerite calls me and I run her over there. She also gets a "fluff and fold" and this time one of the girls painted her nails a pretty racy red...

With the baby looked after,I then took a long drive down Hwy 22 to Owenton, KY. Its a beautiful rural area full of horse farms and tobacco fields. We had gotten some much needed rainfall earlier in the week and the moisture washed the air making it feel smooth and less dusty. Because it was so nice, horses; mares and their foals were turned out into newly greened pastures and were playing racing around. I would stop and take photos of the leaves turning brilliant red, of the green fields contrasting with the black tobacco barns, and the golden leaves curing inside. I hate the way this plant kills people, but nothing is sweeter smelling than a cart of the freshly cut leaves that have been bundled up and are being trundled up out of the fields pulled behind a tractor or in the case of the Amish farms I passed, a pair of Belgian draft horses as golden blonde as the harvest they were hauling up to the rows of curing barns...

Tobacco Barn Henry County KY

The sun has a mystical quality about it at this time of year. It sheds a golden glow on the earth as it passes in the hours of the day. Green seems greener and blue seems even brighter blue. The Ohio River placid and low was a serene blue reflecting the few little clouds as they passed by... The sunlight cause the wavelets turned up by a passing barge to sparkle as thought they had been sprinkled with a glittering dash of starlight. Its as magical as a place and time get. Perhaps its my romantic soul saving up moments against the future that might not be so pleasent.

I have taken drives nearly every day this week which has slowed down the process a bit as far as working on the shop, but it has been so fun to find places that I havent seen up till now.

One bit of drama. I had left my ring that I cast at Conners with JC Inc the people that I met with last week that will be coming along side to help me. This ring I had carved and cast in 14kt clean scrap (yes you can use scrap gold for casting a new peice with the use of a bit of fresh karat gold and some chemicals with a high enough heat, I didnt know this until I did it myself...) I struggled with setting the stone that I set because the setting head was crooked and the stone was way out of make. Charlie offered no help as the oval was not in his program and he was bugged that I often went on with what I felt I needed to do regardless of his lack of teaching. Sadly I needed to learn this to prepare to take the JA test, and my poor showing on this was one of the reasons that I didnt press on with this program

Anyway I destroyed the old head that I had cast in the ring trying to get the slightly too large stone into a space that was higher on one side than the other. I have a lot of work to get this right but in the mean time I needed to give JC a chance to show me how they worked so I left the ring to be set with a new head that I had bought and a lovely white spinel that sparkles like a diamond.

When I didnt see the package by tuesday I was a bit concerned, but weds and thursday I was a bit distracted. By friday I was frantic. I got the UPS tracking and found out that the package had been delivered to a wrong address with in the development and the drive had put the managers name down as the signee and she wasnt even in that day. We had a mad scramble in the managers office turning the place upside down, still nothing.

I filed a report with UPS and spent a night wondering if I would be happy with a remade ring. No What really worryed me was that the people that I thought would save me with my shop had let me down on the first go round. How would I deal with my clients if this was their precious thing... I got sick in the bathroom and answered an ad on a online job site for a new call center in Bentonville fearing that all was lost...

Well in a bin of mail to be returned was the UPS package. It had been mis-adressed and my name was not on the label, so no one knew who to give the little box to. As I pulled the ring out of the wrapping tissue I felt not only a huge sense of relief that the lost was found but that the folks at JC hadnt let me down. I may still need to take that job for a bit, we shall see how things are in Arkansas with the economy, but I know that I will get my shop open eventually...

In the mean time I have this little reminder that I can do it...with a little help from my friends...

The symbol of a new future, The lost and found ring...

Labels: Annabelle, Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Bella Vista, Business start up, Conner School, Kentucky, Louisville

September 27, 2008

The Serene City

City Fountains Riverfront Park Downtown Louisville Kentucky

Its been nearly two weeks since the massive wind storm rattled this city with hurricane force winds that toppled trees that were standing here when Daniel Boone crossed into the territory. You can still hear chain saws and air hammers driving roofing nails but the sound of generators is a thing of the past.

The Ryder Cup was an astounding success according to the locals who feard that the storm had damaged things and ruined ths chance for the city to make some revenue. With the economic downturn and the demise of the Ford Explorer (Ford id the biggest employer in town and the one closest to my home) a lot of people took temporary jobs doing grounds keeping and hospitality type jobs. There are fund rasing events that begin for the Derby Festivities that take place 6 months from now.

This is a city that surprises me daily. From the national write up this week( sorry the article has disapered off the net) on the flourishing Indie music scene, to the incredible number of churches that have over 1500 people a sunday through their doors (one personal souce seemed to think more per capita than any city in America,based on their information gathering and Louisville's population, which is the 16th largest in the US) to the 24 hour horse racing channel on the basic cable. (I was in a resturant and they had horse racing on in the bar area when I usually sit as I am alone on a saturday night. Curlin won again to the delight of patrons in the bar. )If you like the ponies, there is a race going on somewhere and this four legged ESPNis covering it. I suppose you can wager as well but I have not explored that aspect of it.

Like my last weeks in Hawaii I have found that these last two weeks have been very sweet as I do things that I want to do before I leave...sort of take a farewell tour. More photos comming! But I also realized just how much leg work I can do while I am here so I have been hard at work on my business as well.

I bought a new computer this week. A Dell Vostro, before I start getting email groaning about Dell I bought it from a dealer here and not online. I have already had two house calls and they have done some work online to tweek the thing so it is perfect for me. Some of the complaints are not valid for me. I use a external keyboard for serious typing and a tracball mouse. I love the slot drive the speakers are a upgrade from the tin box ones on my Inspiron 700 that I have been blogging one for almost four years.(It has been a wonderful little machine not given me a lick of trouble)

I bought the Vostro here because I wanted to get the bugs out and have onsite tech support as I load and tweek my accounting and inventory software that is being sent to me by David Geller of Jewelerprofit.com. This man is an industry icon that revolutionized the trade by writing a template overlay for Quickbooks for the management of a jewelry business. He tweeks everything customer for each package, and supports the product. The best part is that the price is very reasonable so that even a newbe like me can afford it.

I had a over the phone consult with David and found him very personable and concerned about my situation...the situation at Conners...and the situation that I have been avoiding... I know that I am not very good at what I want to do yet and what will I do when I open my doors and people come streaming in with repair work that I dont know how to do or if Im lucky, have more than I can do of what I know I can do... That is a likely senario. If I dont take it in and do it right and fast, I will ruin my reputation before I am out the starting gate.

His answer is for me to sub some of that work out. He is right and he had the name of a firm near here that does this for jewers on a national basis with a fine reputation. I am meeting with the CEO this week. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my sholders, because this big question has been answered. I will learn from the finished work I get back from this firm and I can focus on getting my business off of the ground, doing the creative work that earns more money, and learning more things. I feel like I can really do this and the only thing I need to fear is my fears and self doubts...

All I need to do is get started, which I am doing. one foot in front of the other...

In my personal life, I am doing a lot of hard work in counseling...really hard. Its amazing what God will use to speak to a person about things He wants to deal with. I saw a re-run of an episode of "Without A Trace" where one of the agents had a brother go missing. Turns out there were huge substance abuse issues and how the family dynamic was playing out over and over again. I have been confronted with the idea that my 20 years of sobriety or clean Christian Living what ever you want to call it may have been by Gods grace and my own powerful will, but the cost has been losing myself, who I am, moulding myself into something that I am not and perhaps most profoundly being unable to move out of and past painful events and situations. I am stuck in events that happened 13 years ago. Being married is one of them. My anger and rage is the result. I dont know what to do. My "griever" and "forgiver" is broken...I cant seem to do it anymore...truly I dont want to do it anymore Im sort of sick of it but dont know what to do next. I want to leave the worse of it behind...and we know who that is... because I can no longer forgive someone that is hurting me and many times isnt even aware seemingly of the damage he is doing...

So I take drives around the city and the countryside and think. I look out at the golfers and envy them their easy comraderie...knowing that I have never had such a relationship, such a friendship in my life... I reherse for sunday worship and felt a pulling at my pantleg...there was 13 month old Emma the daughter of one of the young men in the worship band pulling up on my leg standing for the first time then letting go when she realized I wasnt her mummy. She took two steps on her own and fell flat on her face. We applauded her "one giant leap" to independence....and I felt a knife twist in my heart and an unholy envy that never seems to end... I could have grandbabies by now and there will be nothing and no one and I cant get past it...

I cant get past lovers dysplaying affection, or couples planning their futures together. There will be no "together" for me. Because there has been no affection...
I had made a gift to give Woody when he comes to get me next month and as I put it in the closet all wrapped the enemy of my soul wispered "there will be nothing for you...not now not ever... he never thinks of you, and doesnt care about you..." and I know that it is true. But I keep trying and that is why I need to end things because in that trying is more disapointments, more bitterness, more anger, and more dispair.

How I long for this to end. For me it has never been as simple as those who say..."just give it over to Jesus"

But in this city and this place I have been able to give it over more. Because I dont have to confront it. But this time is going to end and I will have to confront it. Please God let me remember this serene city and the times that I have been able to be quiet just for a little while.

Labels: Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Business start up, Conner School, Faith, Louisville

August 22, 2008

The"Check Engine" Light is Flashing

Peaceful Ohio River Riverfront Park Louisville Kentucky...I love going and sitting by the river and taking its vastness in

I feel like my "Check Engine" Light is flashing. When that happens with one of our vehicles Woody is pretty quick to see that the proper attention is sought via the dealership garage. In my case, I may have gotten ahead of God with regards to employment and as a result the important work that He wants to do before I return to Arkansas might get shortchanged if I am not careful.

I have a lot to do but cant seem to get motivated... time is passing and as if to quietly remind me the leaves are starting to turn brilliant colors signalling that while we have scorching heat and humidity this week, the nights are cooler by the week and fall will be in full swing before long. Its only 9 weeks or so before I leave here for the forseeable future. Once I get home its work and practice on my skills as a jeweler first and foremost. Any inner work would get pushed by the wayside by business development, buildout and possibly moving into a new home for myself and Annabelle.

I worked at the Craft Store two full days...agonizing days of standing on concrete floors stocking shelves with...Christmas stuff... in August. The place where I broke my foot last September hurt so badly it felt like a lit cigarette was being shoved against the side of my foot. I hobbled home and stiffly walked my doggy and died each night

Its not worth it, its not enough money to warrant injuring myself and I am not interested enough in the work to carry on with it. I really felt that I needed to focus on my business plan and spend more time at the jeweler that had offered to help me practice my skills at repair...

So I typed up the resignation letter...

Today I went in to the jeweler to work... The last two times she has given me a herringbone chain to cut and solder back together. First chain is my thing. I do that better than anyone in either school that I attended. Link, Cable, rope, snake and funky zebra chain (I did one of those so well that Madam Jeweler coulnt find the joint)but herringbone is one that I have never mastered, you cant reweave it and no matter what you do it kinks and looks like crap. It was one of the things that the 1980's produced along with Spandex pants that once you snag they are ruined.

At Conner's, I would first have thoughly cleaned the peices by soaking in lye, then rinse steam sonic and steam again so it was sterile clean. Dirt and skin oil can cause the soft heat from a low flame torch to grow hotter melting the delicate links as you solder. I would then split the chain exactly straight with end cutters and file the joint smooth so that the herringbone mates, firecoat, flux and flame it gently so the soft solder just melts. Its like brushing it...Even with all of this care and some sucess, Charlie counseled us to get the customer to scrap out this old chain for a new one as it never looks as good as new unlike some other styles of chain.

Madam Jeweler said for me to cut evenly and reweave it then solder. No cleaning. As I pulled the links open the dirt just fell out in chunks. I tried to reweave the links at leat ten times and each time I did it and tried to solder it the thing melted and fell apart. It was frustrating to say the least.

I asked for a demo and she said that she didnt have time... no one was in the store and she seemed edgy, finally she said that she couldnt do this anymore. She was upset that I was going home in October. She was training me for nothing, and she had hoped that I would stay on for Holiday and she could perhaps give me the chains and the sizings and pay me a little. But I wasnt any good to her or anyone as I dont know anything and Charlie took my money and didnt teach me anything.

At that point I turned off my light and pulled my visor off. I thanked her for her time and told her that I was sorry for any trouble that I had caused. I had brought in my chair that I had brought from Conner's to use and I knew that the other jeweler really liked it. I offered it to her for her second bench in compensation for the materiels I had used and the scrap that was now in the sweeps pile.

In a way I am relieved. I was being hit everytime I went in there, by how little I learned from Charlie...Hello! How could I sit there for all of that time and come home with fried fingers and polishing compound up my nose and not know anything? I dont think so and it inspires me to get home and get started...

I know one little lady that is thrilled to have me all to herself everyday


Annabelle posing in the sun with her new hair bob

Annabelle celebrated her first year as my doggy this week, again I know that she was Heaven sent and has been a loving companion these past 6 months

And so it goes. I am reading more of Dr. Cloud having finished "The Secret Things of God" I have assignments at counseling, my novice therapist is forthright and provocative, and a great listener. I hope he's as good a listener with his new wife!

God threw on my "Check Engine" light so I would rethink a few things... I am so glad that He did. It pays to listen and take your life to the Master Mechanic once in a while. The tune up you get can make all the difference in your life

Labels: Annabelle, Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Books, Business start up, Conner School

August 08, 2008

Gaining Confidence

Accross the pond,view from the walking path accross the ninth fairway and the units facing...Legends of Indian Springs, Springhurst, Louisville KY

Then Jesus got into the boat and started across the lake with his disciples. Suddenly, a terrible storm came up, with waves breaking into the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went to him and woke him up, shouting, "Lord, save us! We're going to drown!"
And Jesus answered, "Why are you afraid? You have so little faith!" Then he stood up and rebuked the wind and waves, and suddenly all was calm. The disciples just sat there in awe. "Who is this?" they asked themselves. "Even the wind and waves obey him!"

"I dont know what you did for four months at Charlie's but he failed to teach you anything.You obviously dont know the basics by what you say to me... You are doing things wrong and using techniques that are outdated. Here let me show you how to do it." With that my bench test ended and I was humiliated by this woman in front of her daughter and employees. I had not even begun to do the simple size up she wanted. My explanation of the process alone was enough to disqualify me in her eyes"

I set out this week to find some sort of jewelry work. After the miserable disapointment at the Friends Shop, I was eager to pound the pavement just to prove something to myself..."Yes I Can..." if you know what I mean.

People were friendly, many had kind words to say about Charlie and the school. Other's were concerned about his being robbed (again...seems that he was robbed a few years ago as well) And a few, just a few felt that I had wasted my time and that I should have gone to GIA or the American School in Florida. They dont understand that I looked into all of those situations and Conner's was logistically and financially the best option. I did my homework and worked really hard to do the best that I could. Its not my fault that the teacher gave up teaching but took my money anyway. He really should have been more honest with me about where he was in his life.. That is not on me by any means.

One of the nay sayers is the owner manager of a trio of jewelery stores here in the area. She learned the trade from her now ex husband, the founder of this enterprise, a Russian. By the way, there seem to be a lot of Eastern Europeans here fresh from the old country and a lot of them are into rackets that are marginally legal. This man sounds like one of them.

She is a Latina, sharp of mind and of toungue. Bitter, a workaholic single mom who's school livley age daughter has been forced to camp here for days on end and seems to be a master at self entertainment. She knows a lot of students and people that have taken classes from Charlie's, and basically pooh poohed the whole thing . He thing is that her ex wanted to open his own school, but didnt for whatever reasons. It sounded like a lot of sour grapes...

But she is willing to "teach" me. The bench she had me test in was empty, she uses tools that are not familiar, and hummphed when ever I said something. I refrained from making small talk as it seemed that she had not a positive thing to say.

I worked for three hours. She let me use tools off the bench next to my not set up one. They were not what I was used to, and I felt odd at having to try to do a bang up job using inappropriate tools. I did manage to stumble through the two sizings I did later in the afternoon, but she didnt like anything about my technique

I was a shaking mess by 6 pm (I had taken a three hour break mid afternoon to go home eat and play with Annabelle) I was sick from the stress and second guessing, and still am ill today. What little confidence I had mustered up has gone out the window. I cried on and off throughout the evening.

I am not scheduled to go back untill next week. She made a lot of noise about having to sit and train me and flat out stated I wont be working on her merchindise or repairs. I could come and practice (be tortured) on her scrap and get trained in time for the holidays. I think this was her goal anyway. She has a man that comes in once a week but she seems to hate him (and every other man, sounds like abuse)and wants to get rid of him. However he works in platinum and I have no training in that so he will have his hours for a while yet.

8-9-2008

This morning I was reading my devotions and the passage above was given. Today is also the feast of my patron saint Edith Stein. I meditated on what life was like for her a woman in what was very much a mans world, in a man's work... a Jew that converted to Christianity and how her life was a struggle for acceptance.

I have two paths. I can take the path of rage like my new "mentor" (shes not my boss nor my friend nor my teacher really). She is angry over everything in life... By the way wonderful with the customers, but the help is fair game for cutting comments and abuse. I was told by her "to develope thick skin I needed it in this business." That is total crap. When someone tells you that what they are saying is "I am going to abuse you so you'd better get used to it." I hate that and correct anyone who has the nerve to say that to me. Both of my parents told me that constantly as I was growing up and it is so wrong. There is nothing wrong with sensitivity and having feelings

Or I can take the path of St Edith. Much of her philosphical writings dealt with empathy...in fact I believe that the empathy that God showed by sending His Son to be with us was a key motivator in her conversion and resultant writings. To walk in her path requires me to remain kind and loving in the face of adversity. To not withdraw, which I did at Charlie's to my hurt. To try to be as Christlike as possible towards this woman and her daughter...who reminds me of me at her age by the way, I think its her wit and long red brown hair...

I am going to keep looking for another venue to work on my skills as well. Christmas is coming and jewelers are going to be looking for help. One issue is trust. I think that is what freaked out the Friends people. I have no contacts here nothing to keep me and a crazy story...I own nothing and could skip town with the goods tomorrow if I wanted to. So not everyone is going to let me into their stores and have unrestricted access to gold jewelery. If I cant find someplace else to work I will need to return home so I can work at my own shop. I can buy my own scrap to work on if I need to. One way or another I need to regain my nerve my self confidence that has taken such a beating these past few months.

I know that I can do it. I also know that it takes years to develope the skills to be really good at this. I know that I want this and I am willing to work at it and to put up with the eccentricities of raving artists and the like to reach my goal. I are one myself, thats why I want to work for myself be on my own. Its the right thing for me and with a little confidence and faith I can see it through to final vision. I have done it before and with God's help I can do it again

The Princess gypsy set into a ring made for an oval stone. A literal square peg into a oval hole. This showed that I understood construction and positioning of a stone in a rough mounting not made for it. One of my projects that I did while at Conner's, and shown here nearly compleated.

Labels: Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Business start up, Conner School, Edith Stein, Kentucky

August 01, 2008

The Graduate

Summer Pastures off Hwy 42 Oldam County Kentucky

Mr. McGuire:I want to say one word to you.
Just one word.
Benjamin: Yes, sir.
Mr. McGuire: Are you listening?
Benjamin: Yes, I am.
Mr. McGuire: Plastics.
Benjamin: Just how do you mean that, sir?
Advice given to the young Benjamin Braddock played brilliantly by Dustin Hoffman in "The Graduate"

Retired Jeweler: Im sorry this isnt going to work out but you have a great future ahead of you. You survived Charlie's and can do anything...anything you want
Hokulea: OK...I guess
Retired Jeweler:I will call you when I get back. I am sorry this wasnt my decision and I really want to do some music some Last Friday night, maybe next month... you will be working by then I am sure
Hokulea:OK...I guess

dialouge between myself and the jeweler I was going to be working with after I finished school. His boss got cold feet and told him to fire me. Im sure I looked like Dustin Hoffman did, stunned and overwelmed.I honestly think this aspriring professional musician might have been sorrier to see my voice go than me.

Its been quite a week here in The 'Ville. I wasnt sure this time last week how things were going to go when I told Charlie yet again that I was done with Jewelers school. He had been so critical of everything that I did and while he had been fawning over the other gal in the class, he had been ignoring me for quite sometime. However insted of trying to talk me into staying, he had bigger fish to fry as a whole crop of new student is banging on his door wanting to give him money so he printed up my diplomas without any discussion and thanked me for comming...

I walked out the door a Graduate Bench Jeweler, certifiable. It took a few days to sink in, but I am thrilled that I have gotten this far and cant wait to see how things will go from here.

I went right away to the shop that wanted me to fill in while their jeweler was away and started right in doing repairs and helping out in the store. They had moved to this location two months ago and are still sorting out the mess of boxes that contain not only the inventory of this shop but several other bead and lapidary shops inventory that had been bought on the cheap in closeout situations and was a jumbled mess. I was helping mostly to clear a space where I could set up a bench and space to work. I was also trying to pay it forward by buying business cards (which they thought too expensive...Free at VistaPrint hello!...)Personally, I think the money and brains lady owner was uncomfortable with my presence in the store because I know more about running a business and getting it off the ground than she does. But who is to say? Like Jerry said, I survived Conner's I can do anything and it will show on a bench test, I just need to get out there and find some place that needs my help

Getting my first (I did do some work this week and was paid for it)and last check from the shop was a surprise to me, but it has freed me up to think about other possibilities. I took up beading to learn enough to help out at the shop. I have a bunch of stuff here and people like the things I have made for myself, so I am going to take the supplies I have a make a bunch of stuff for a consignment shop here in town and see if it sells. I hope to find a graphic artist to make a logo for my "line" Firefly Designs and hang tags so I can market my designs effectively. After all this is new merchendise. I never thought that I would go this way but it is fun and I hate sitting around the TV with nothing in my hands to do.

There are 182 jewelry stores in the Metro Louisville area. There are also Pawn shops and gold buyers that do repair. I am bound to find someone that needs some help. I just need to practice my craft before I open my own place. It would be nice to have a mentor that could help me refine things before I go off on my own...but I am prepared to do just that should I need to

Woody went to work this week at a carlot in Neosho Mo about 30 miles from home. But there are not too many cars on that lot so how do you sell what you do not have??? pretty silly if you ask me. He is looking around for another place to jump off to and I am glad for him. He needs to do something to stay occupied and focused. He doesnt seem to be in any hurry for me to come home

At this point I am not either. I am still trying to find myself. This has been a trying time and it was very hard on me but I feel 100 percent better now that those certificates are in hand. they are a ticket to my new life. I am full of hopeful thoughts and prayers


My wall of Fame, Five Diplomas frame number six is for a blowup of my business card that I had printed

Labels: Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Business start up, Conner School, Firefly Designs, Woody, working

July 19, 2008

The Summer Haze

Quiet reflection. A silvery haze hangs over the Greens at Indian Springs, the pond behind the 11th green, Indian Springs township Louisville KY

Remember that no matter how far you go, how much work you do here in therapy, you will perhaps be light years away from the place you were in, yet standing just around the corner from the person that you were. God calls us back to the first things all of the time, its up to us to see them for what they are and go to Him for the grace we will need time and time again...

Janice Alarcon to the author 1988

Here I am Lord and I'm drowning
In Your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight

I know You've cast my sin as far
As the East is from the West
And I stand before You now
As though I've never sinned
But today I feel like
I'm just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far
the East is from the West?
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
Cause You know just how far
the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again
Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far
the East is from the West?
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
Cause You know just how far
the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

I know You've washed me white
Turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through
To get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel
But by the truth Your word reveals
And I'm not holding onto You
But You're holding onto me
You're holding onto me

Jesus, You know just how far
the East is from the West
I don't have to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
(mercy I find rest)
Cause You know just how far
the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

(Just how far,
the East is from the West,
Just how far)
From one scarred hand to the other
(You know just how far,
the East is from the West,
Just how far)
From one scarred hand to the other

Mark Hall, Bernie Herms
from the album:
Casting Crowns:"The Altar and the Door"
due to be released August 28,2008

Im lingering in a haze not unlike the one that is hanging over the Ohio Valley right now choking us all with the foul air as bad as any in LA. Its been in the 90's for days and with little rain for the last 10 days, there is nothing to clear out this inversion of air pollution. The heat index has hovered at 105, very dangerous to be out in this. Annabelle and I go out and walk in early morning, and I cant take her out even for a few minutes in the evening she starts to have athsmatic like coughs and frankly its pretty nasty anyway to be out

Thunderstorms would be welcome to clear out the foul air. In my life I wonder what will clear out the haze in my heart. I feel at odds with life and wonder what I need to do next.

I went in monday and told Charlie that I was going to leave. He said that due to the unforseen situations that I had faced and that I still wasnt really ready to take the JA test as planned I was welcome to stay as long as I liked free of charge to prepare for the exam. While his offer was gracious and I accepted I felt like I was... well...sort of pulled back into the vortex and I dont feel very good about it. I want to make my own choices and not be manipulated...

Truth is I want Charles approval. I feel like a fool when I take him my work that I know is not even up to standard, but I also want to do as he asks. Seeing more demos on the basics wont be helpful. I just need to do it over and over again.

Its that need for approval that bugs me. I thought that I was through with that, but I guess I am not...I am back where I started from when I was first in recovery. Twenty years hasnt made too much of a difference or has it. Only God knows

7-20-2008 10pm

Thunderstorms are ripping through Kentuckiana as I type this. Hopfully this will cool things down some. Its been reported that there have been deaths among the elderly here from the heat. I notice that a lot of my neighbors have their windows open and use fans rather than the A/C. Truth is that there are a lot of folks having hard times and cant afford the power bill. I am lucky as my apartment rent is all inclusive and I dont have to worry about it.

Woody called tonght and I am worried. Worried again that he says he has done nothing all week but read sleep and eat and watch golf on tv. I dont know what to say. I have asked for mail for a month now and have a list of things that I have asked him to do for me that have gone undone. His depression is very bad, I understand this perhaps better than most having watched my mother struggle to care for my dad for 30 years. My father spent what should have been the best years of his life in a drug and alcohol induced haze sitting on the sofa in our living room. Oh he did the dishes and kept the house vacumed and did a lot of little chores that Woody should and doesnt do...but insted of using his fine mind he let his time go to waste and I think Woody is headed in the same direction. In some ways he may be in worse shape because my father had us to think about, to talk to and to love and Woody doesnt have anything other than the cats and perhaps me... I am not sure how he feels about me really.

I dont want to "take care of" Woody. Work my butt off come home and start over doing all of the house work making all of the decisions... Its just wrong and its very bad for both of us. Woody has to decide to look after himself, to make a plan and follow through. If he cant do this that means he needs a more intensive treatment program and he will need to pursue that. If he chooses to not do that. I will have to make a decision that will be painful for both of us, because living in a relationship that is more co-dependent than the one we have now is not acceptable to me. I have a life too and I dont want to squander it sitting on a couch in a depressed haze waiting for change that will never come. It will be hard but I can do it and I feel more and more that this change is coming and will come.

Perhaps if I were to leave I could learn to forgive again. I love the words to the song I posted, because I want to embrace that forgiveness again but cant seem to anymore in the face of the constant rejection and rage that floods over me constantly in his presence. Its not fair to him or to me, and I know that I need the time to heal from the awful damage and try to reframe the relationship in such a way that is pleasing to God and therefore workable. If I can only see through the haze of past pain and move through it, it could be done. Please God may it be so...

Labels: Conner School, Family History, Health, Marriage, Praise and Worship, weather, Woody

July 12, 2008

"We Have All Become Victims..."

My Instructor Charles Conner and his part time assistant goldsmith Gary Lee. They are attempting to repair a silver plated antique teapot...it was not a success

"I think we are done here", Maureen sighed, as we sat in the Subway at the Holiday Inn where Woody and I had planned this adventure nearly one year ago. "I am so done with the whole thing... I am going home. He can email me when the JA test comes in."

I look at her, worn out and somewhat dejected. I can see my reflection in the glass window. My bitterness over the lack of enthusiasm of our instructor, and my seeming mistake in trusting him at his word that he would do everything possible to help me in my quest to become a jeweler had taken its toll... I had nightmares all the night before and look like a hag.I asked her "What then after the test? What do you want to do?"

Not looking directly at me sort of out the window as she ate she replied, "I dont think I know enough to open my own shop...Work for someone else?"

I smiled to myself. This young lady is very talented and has a lot of savvy. She doesnt realizes how much she knows sometimes. I said " You know there are only a few things you need to know about running a jewelery business beyond the obvious like get a good accounting/POS softwear package like Gellers follow his advice and you will be fine. You are a great jeweler and will only get better with time...But there are three things that you have to know that they DONT do at Conner's and the sad results have left us all victims...

One; be brutally painfully honest to the point of personal hurt with yourself and your vendors and customers. Your reputation is the most important thing you posses and it can be lost in a second. Two; Discretion. You must not casually disclose your profession to anyone. As a single woman living alone this is ten times more important. Protect your address, put the store address on your drivers license and get a PO box. No jewelery stuff should ever be sent to your home. Watch your back, use a alarm system etc. Three; choose your friends wisely.We have seen the bitter fruit of the son of our instructor having a posse of bad boy friends and look at what one of them has done...Ruined everything for all of us..."

Maureen looked up at me..." yeah, we have all become victims of the bad choices of a few...."

We both cleaned out our benches not long after we got back from our lunch... Charlie didnt notice, he was back in his office on the phones, the Internet, whatever. I still have a few days owed to me but frankly I cant see staying there once Mo leaves and goes back to her folks and starts looking for a job up in the Chicago area. I feel so depressed when I am there. I have lost the desire to fight against the forces of darkness and despair that seem to have the upper hand in that place.

Last Monday the ball was put into motion for this sad end when the local paper finally ran an article on the break in at Charlie's house This caused a flurry of interest with the local media with all three of the networks sending news crews out to the school to interview us and to make a point of beating up law enforcement and show the ineptitude of the county prosecutors office who all know who the creep was that did this...sadly its looking like a inside job and the guy is the friend of a friend of Charlies son, Bryan. He knew that the family was going out of town and was going to make a quick hit on the house but found Katie there and heaven only knows what happened as the girl is not saying much to police...

Maureen and I bailed out before the first reporters got there. I (and Mo too) had NO desire to be on TV to even be known to be connected to this and frankly felt that it was the height of stupidity that this was being publicized to this level. They filmed the house, the street number, the school, gave out information regarding how the security had been lacking... and every bodies names are out there in plain sight for the local tweekers and gang bangers to come on over for a handout on the swag. I certainly have no desire to be followed home from the school some evening and be a crime victim. Mo has keys to the school which she surrendered this week thank God because she is living in not the best part of town and has never been in a situation like this.

My new contacts locally swearer that the word on the street is that this friend of Bryans is the thug that beat Katie up and this was brought on by the total lack of security and professional demeanor required of a jeweler. As I told Mo, people on our street in Hawaii had no idea who we were or what we did and we found out later that they thought that we were law enforcement (Woody wore a uniform with a badge for his security job, and I guess I fit the profile of a lady Cop...go figure and thank you Jesus for the perfect disguise.) We were left alone, and really that was God's protecting us as we were alone so much...


The news has even reached the blogosphere and you can read their coverage here at
911 Wackos: 911 robbery call ignored for half hour


Gary and Charlie trying to weld a handle back on a silverplated teapot

Sadly the true victim, Katie hasnt been given the space or time needed to deal with the situation. We know that a lot of times people think you should just "get over it" and this seems to be the way the family is looking at things. Katie was in a public venue when she saw the story broadcast on Tv and freaked out. She went home confronted her step father who felt that he had the right to tell about how he had been wronged and to get his stuff back. Its all about him... She and he had this huge fight and he kicked her out of the house...blame the victim...great. He and the girls mother had a fight then and he went to their house in the country and spent a day brooding leaving his responsibility and the school to whatever....

The whole situation is so emotionally charged and negative emotions are so high that a very sensitively wired person like myself picks up this like Doppler radar can see hidden moisture in the air. I have spent a large part of my life reading the unspoken communication of individuals in order to survive and I find that this situation is about to explode. This family and those of us involved in the school and business are all caught up in this drama that will have no good end. I realized that I am afraid. Afraid because I am sitting in harms way everyday at the school, I am not getting the care or consideration that as a student I should have gotten and now cant get because the personal drama is not left at home but comes into work everyday.

...I saw the guy that robbed Charlie when he came in to sell he gold that day in May. I could pick him out of a line up and that makes me afraid. He saw me sitting there...

My apartment is secure I have an alarm system which I use faithfully when I go in and come out. I tell few people what I do and keep to myself. I watch my back and am inside long before dark...But...

I wake up when I hear noises in the night. I realized that my own snoring and upset account for a lot of this... The nightmares that tormented me most of my young life have returned after YEARS of absence. There was a time when my dream life was so negative that sleep was a torment. If this persists I will seek professional help, no matter what.

I pray a lot and know that time is a healer like nothing else. I will continue to read about my chosen profession and learn more that way. I have my time with Jerry yet to look forward to... I am not cutting my time short here and will be aggressively looking for work as well. If I get something that will subsidize my expenses here I will stay as long as I can. The economy being in the shape that it is in may mean a postponement of my opening my business would be wise. Woody has not said that he desires my return, and I have tried to not think too much about that. If he wanted me home I would consider it absolutely, but I think God is doing something right now in his life that is good and I dont want to get in the way of that.

I chose many years ago to stop being a victim. I know that there are those that still think that I am with regards to my relationship with Woody and all of that. But I lived in fear of the return of my rapist and later the stalker boyfriend that was beyond scary in his persistent pursuit of me... I have lived under the radar for years because my life with the Engineer was filled with people that were best left behind. I dont want to go this way again. The things one fears rarely happen. Once you realize that you see that life gets good again... the door opens and you arent a victim anymore...

Mo and shop cat Eeyore, named ofter the Winnie the Pooh character for his formerly shy depressed personality... he is in love with Mo and will be going home with her to Chicago once she is finished with school

Labels: Breaking News, Conner School, Current Events, Louisville, Woody

June 28, 2008

Spending to Get

The view from my windows in my bedroom in my apartment, over looking the first green and fairway at the Legends of Indian Springs Golf course Louisville KY

I have had a very nice weekend having spent much of it sitting before these windows watching the world go by... by that I mean the steady groups of golfers and the steady march of rainclouds as the thunderstorms sweep by in an endless panorama of sight and color. It has cooled down quite a bit and I have my little window open to gather fresh air. Annabelle is asleep on my bed just next to me. She had a busy weekend of grooming and training appointments and is happy to lay and watch the golfers go by

Its been a week of heavy thought. I spent a lot of time journaling about how Woody and I came to the place that we find ourselves in. I wanted the story recorded... The whole story. And how all of this has made me feel.

Being here has given me the freedom to just feel. I dont have to do anything, be anything other than myself, so this was the ideal time to do this. I must say that all of this emoting has not made me feel better. I have felt very depressed this week...grief? maybe...

My lanai It has the same view but a different perspective. The railing is covered with bird netting to prevent Annabelle from taking a flying leap off the the second floor balcony. Its so discreet you cant even see it. I love sitting out here in the breeze. Look who is sharing the sunshine but the little princess who has her own special chair so she can watch the silly humans chasing the little white ball all over the place!

I think a lot of it is disappointment. Things haven't worked out at the school the way I hoped. Charlie has basically said "Review everything" and retreated into his office this past week. He nitpicked what I brought him in review, and was cross about how I managed to do said review. I think its strange that the teacher gives an instruction like that but expects you to read hs mind about how it should be accomplished. I see Maureen doing "review" of things we havent gotten to that she got to before I got there...not because there is something wrong with me but because Charlie in three months has failed to complete the one month program he promised to teach me. He has spent way too much time hibernating in his office. So I took the initiative and did a few projects on my own. When Charlie said that he hadnt seen much review I took everything I had done and he said that while it was good it wasnt review he asked for whatever that was supposed to be and how come I was getting ahead of him?... I am sort of unwilling to stay in week one the whole three months. For the first time...this week I found myself resenting the money that I have spent and the risk I have taken that ultimately have led me to be taken advantage of. Charlie has issues and I dont think he understands just how serious this is. I gave up a job, a life...yes willingly and gladly but not to sit and just fritter away literally 120.00 a day that I will owe up in the future against my house

My first bezel set ring. I did this one rather well...maybe because the stone was not a practice CZ, but one of Charlie's customers 1 carat diamonds...

Needless to say I didnt get to keep this practice ring. He gave me the wrong stone...because he wasnt attentive. Later he blamed me for this. This atmosphere of suspicion and distrust...even downright paranoia is due to a series of horrible events that have happened in the last month. Charlie's home was robbed, his step daughter was pistol whipped and terrorized. Then an attempt was made to rob the school overnight...and finally the son of a jeweler friend, a frequent visitor and graduate of the school is currently the principal suspect in the theft of a valuable diamond from the man's father's store safe... The environment is hostile and weird day in and out

My masterwork, this crucifix is actually mounting for a special artifact. A handmade nail I found in the street in the 900 block of east Broadway in downtown Louisville, while sightseeing with Woody. A professional blacksmith dated the nail to 1780 to 1830 and said that likely it was made by a slave boy, an apprentice to a blacksmith. If the child showed potential he was spared the lifetime of backbreaking field work that most black slaves faced. On top of that a trade like smithing would give a slave a trade that would help him stay free if he braved escape by swimming across the mighty Ohio river to New Albany Indiana and catching the Underground Railroad to a point further north

The cross is a lost wax centrifugal casting in sterling silver. Three dimensional in nature, the wax model was designed around the historic nail in such a way that the nail is heal securely yet can be removed so the silver can be cleaned. The iron nail cannot come in contact with my skin without causing more deterioration so that situation had to be taken into account in the design... By the way I figured it out mostly on my own, and Charlie's son Bryan, a master jeweler himself helped me with the casting and gave me tips. Charlie said he liked it and thought that I did a good job, but he bragged on it as customers saw it on my bench as I worked on it. I knew in my heart that I did good on this one

But does that mean that I can hold my own as a jeweler? Several weeks ago,as I was finishing this up, I spent a saturday afternoon roaming craft and lapadary shops looking for findings ect. Once of the first places that I stopped was a place called "friends" on funky Frankfort Ave. The lady in charge and her Jeweler Jerry looked at the cross and my other work and felt that I could do the repair work that is pouring in there and would I like a job? I would sit on the store and do repairs for a percentage of the job price. Jerry said he'd fill in any gaps on my education and not charge me 120.00 a day. He is a master engraver and was teaching at the Conner School for a while and knew Charlie really well. Said he would be glad to help me and let me have some of the work. Im not into this as a money maker, but I would be ahead if I didnt have to pay the school and extra 3500.00 for the next three months that would be a big help and if I could pay part of my way out of earnings will praise the Lord for that. I still have a couple of weeks paid for at the school so I will try to get as much as I can out of that before telling Charlie that our time is going to be a touch truncated. With the state of Indiana offering Charlie disability for his damaged hands and nerves he should take the money and run.

I feel like his heart is no longer into this, teaching that is. I also think that he is intimidated by me and that makes things strained. I have not gotten over the feeling of contempt that he seems to have for me

I knew what I was getting into when I signed up. I was willing to "spend to get" to receive all of the emenities of this place. It has been worth it. I am willing to spend to get to have the personal and financial freedom I will soon have

PS.7-1-2008 Charlie came to me and asked me about my plans and if I was going to finish out the six month course. It was the opening that I had been waiting and felt that I should work in a real shop rather than sit in his school for another three months. He said that I do learn slower than the other students but once I get the concept I do nice work. He was thrilled at the opportunity that I have to work for a real jeweler. He felt that this was a better way to go and that he was going to miss me. My time will end about the same time that Maureen will be leaving so I think the timing is great. I'm thinking about leaving July 16 and perhaps getting another part time job to fill out my wallet and try some tricks I haave learned. Tha will be grand.



Fellow Student Maureen and shop kitty Fluffy at the Conner School New Albany IN

Labels: Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Conner School, Current Events, Dreams, Kentucky

May 20, 2008

Howzit Going?

Beautiful Hibiscus Blooming in Louisville KY

Im pumping gas at a local station. The speakers are blasting the Beach Boys on a Oldies Station. The sun is warm and the breeze is cool on my face... I think..."I could be in Santa Monica, Huntington Beach, or even Hilo, or Lahaina, as I see the pot of hibiscus blooming nearby.

I go for a drive, winding my way down the main drag into Downtown. I pass the University, and the brick three story walk ups that house the Greek communities and a few blocks over a vibrant boutique shopping area...Am I in Orange or Westwood...?

Once in Downtown I went up and down the one way streets. New museums and condo developments line the streets. Pedestrians are free to walk in traffic free zones and just in the line of view, a sparkling waterfront with small craft (100 feet or less) marina. A street fair is going in the Riverfront Park... but for the lack of surf I would have thought that I was on Coronado Bay driving through the Gaslamp corridor and in and around San Deigo, the city I think that most resembles this amazing gem of a city.

Yes I have fallen in love with Louisville. I am lovng the Metro and the surrounding counties. Last weekend I took a drive...(gas was only 3.79 so why not?)around the city while Annabelle was getting her hair done and marveled at the many different districts each with its own flavor, architecture and atmosphere. LA has pretty much lost this and where we are living now the city is too new... it all looks the same. In fact, whre we live in Bella Vista resembles the subdivision that I am living in now.

Things are going better for us here. School is going well and I am finally beginning to do some projects that will actually amount to something. Just like learning to play the piano, where there is the dreaded exercise book with drills and scales to practice... that part is hard and I have a critical taskmaster. BUT I have to say that he will tell me when I get it right and now that is more and more common.

I have had one huge issue here. For weeks now the neighbors have called me concerned that Woody wasnt seen, like he was hiding out in the house. He sounded depressed or something. When a neighbor called and said it has been two weeks since the trash went out and no lights have been seen in the house that I checked with the Cat Hotel people. Sure enough Mak and Nani have been in boarding since Mother's Day and my husband has been AWOL for two weeks.

He returned but never gave it up on where he was or who he was with. I had to practically wrench it out of him. He said that this is my faault as he wanted to go and didnt want any crap about it. I told him he was selfish and a liar. Every night we talk which he says justified his not telling me that he was calling from someplace in California yes he drove to California from Arkansas and told no one what his plans were. How stupid is that? What if he had health issues or an accident... And his causual lies... I told him that I felt he was cheating... only a cheat would lie like this. He hotly denied it but I said that he opened himself up for this by not being upfront. By not talking to me about things like this, he rips down the progress that I thought that we were making and makes me to look like a fool in front of everyone I have talked to, to try to get ideas to "help him". I am so mad but what can I do. It seems like he can do what ever he wants and I cant do anything about it. And please dont email me about divorcing him. That will only make my life worse. Married to a sociopath in a state where the divorce laws are years behind the times... Since we are all the other has somehow he needs to understand that he isnt a world unto himself. I will be picking out his nursing home one day so he'd better shape up.

Then there is Annabelle, who is thriving and will be a year old soon. I have us signed up to take some training classes on Sunday afternoons. Very exciting. She will love it. She is already such a good doggy that she really only needs help with leash manners, as she drags me up and down the block. She is open and friendly with everyone and a real love. Plus she has a really groovy hair do...





Annabelle at 11 months

Labels: Annabelle, Conner School, Kentucky, Louisville, Marriage, Woody

May 07, 2008

The Selling of Memories

The Old Downtown of New Albany Indiana, where I am attending jewelers school. This is the heart of a community revitalization project that has brought 50 new businesses employing 300 plus people (including the school which moved there from another city last September)to this nearly 200 yearl old city on the skids. Sadly, things are not going well as the dismal economy is taking its toll. With the elections held yesterday both candidates spent a lot of time here, people hoping for a Democratic win and renewal through "change"...

"Please I really need as much as I can get... you still buy gold dont you?..."

Charlie nods as the harried looking woman with her school age children in tow, drops a baggie full of chains and earrings and other jewelry on the counter. Charlie dumps the bag out and begins to sort and test each peice of gold. As she waits she stikes up a conversation with the retired watchmaker that comes in two days a week. The state of Indiana has a law that during the winter, your power and heat cannot be turned off for any reason, but after May 1st, you get a three day notice. This lady was one of a number of people that came in with desparation on their faces...

There was quite a bit and the final total of a lifetime of gifts and treasured momentos was..."$534.89...I'm sorry I wish it was more but we buy for scrap only and the stones are not counted. If you want them they will be two buck a peice to remove..."

"Its not enough, I owe 1600 dollars to the power people, maybe I can stave them off... ok I will do it." Her ID is copied, and a release is signed...A check is written and she went on her way. Charlie sighs... and mutters "I wish I could do more..." as he dumps the little containers with the various karat weights into the storage boxes that eventually go to the refiner to be melted down...

I wonder sometimes if I really understand. I know what it was like to be in that kind of a situation. We sold a timeshare we loved, a pick up truck, a riding mower. I put hundreds of personal belongings into consignment and sold much of the stuff our mothers gave us...let alone the store inventory that I sold for a song when we needed money during those fateful years in Paradise. Woody had a job that due to the low wage and the expenses of just getting him to the job and keeping him there dragged us into the hole every six weeks... the money crunch was a nightmare. We nearly lost our house, and would have come back to the mainland with suitcases as so many people do. But God delivered us...

I am not like the lady that sold her wedding rings off of her finger yesterday. Young and expecting, with a husband in Iraq, she was laid off and was facing losing her apartment because she cant juggle all of her bills now that she has just the money he sends her. Her prospects of getting a job in her condition are slim to none. Charlie tried to tell her to just pawn it because 250.00 was all he could give her. She took the money and signed her lovely ring away. Charlie took it and put it the safe... "If her husband comes home he may want to buy that back... dont tell anyone I just did that." I wanted to cheer.

I have been broke. when newly single in 1988, I joked that I needed 2.5 dates a week to get by and thank God for free food at Happy hour at Acapulco because I ate there a lot. It helped me make my 280.00 a week go just a little further. I have gone hungry, and have found bags of groceries on my front porch delivered in the dark by kind friends. But I have yet to sit in the dark or face the cold for lack of heat, nor ever slept in my car like friends I know have at times in their lives. I fear that sort of thing... it gnaws at me

So here I sit in my lovely apartment with my fuzzy little yipper, thankful, but wary because this is a national trend, check out this articleWe have been doing this slowly for years, selling things to pay off other bills and I fear that we will be reduced to this. Woody doesnt understand how to live like this, on the edge, and has no words of comfort for me. He tells me I am stupid to think this way. Im not. It could happen to any of us.

Labels: Conner School, Current Events, Hawaii, Marriage

April 24, 2008

Committed

my bench Conner Jeweler's School New Albany IN

I pull my visor down and my vision forms and all becomes clear, the tiny bits of solder become shining squares against a black background . I take my torch and apply heat to the square and it becomes a molten ball. I quickly scoop up the tiny ball with a iron pick hoping that the ball will stick to the pick. Thank you, it does, now heat the ring then on the prong and off 4 times or so the little ball should jump off the pick when held close to the hotter metal and stick to the prong... I am successful about half of the time...I am successful now. Quickly, I grope for the prong wire and try to heat the solder on the ring just enough so it will cause the wire to stick to the prong when I touch it, but not so hot that the solder will come of onto the wire...I must do this quickly as the wire conducts heat fast and I need my touch to tell me if the wire adhears I have burned myself twice this way this morning and I am not up for more torture. I am successful only 1 in 10 tries today, this one was sort of OK, at least the wire stuck on but it was so crooked that if this was an actual customer job I would have to sand it off and start over. A miserable waste of time...

I knew it would be hard. This is exactly the sort of thing that comes hard to me, the One that can barely walk and chew gum at the same time...But I get it eventually...

There is no "Plan B"
There is no "Exit Plan"
There is no giving up...

There are a lot of issues. First I am still not 100 percent well. I have a ragged cough and a lot of Lung congestion. I am still having to sleep sitting up. Thank you for your prayers and comments.

I went to class this monday, but was too weary tuesday to go in and the instructor started making noises about "giving me part of my money back if I felt like I couldn't do it."...When I asked him if he thought that I had potential he said "Yes, that I have done work that was up to store standards and some perfectly. I have the ability to learn what I need to to open my business." "OK then, lets get going.." I said the next morning...

But there are no other students right now, and the hired help quit, so his other apprentice, a gal that is simply amazing for such a short amount of time at the bench, is now hired to be the gal friday and is moving from Chicago to work there and go into the business that way. But other than her there is no one else to handle the counter, take in repairs and buy the gold that has turned this semi profitable business into literally a gold mine. Today it was discovered that a watch that was taken in for repair by a student trying to help,(and not done correctly either) was missing and the customer wanted it back. I expended no effort in trying to find it but focused on my work...I felt the tension rising so I spoke up today about it.

I am a paying student, I have no time to waste getting involved with the operations of the business. I dont need to earn "credit" towards tools or other stuff. I am there to learn, and if no teaching is going on then I expect to be practicing what I have already learned and have the materiels and tools at hand to do that. If my instructor is not able to teach and I am not able to work that day on other things then I need to be compensated for that day. So while I am understanding about illness and the like, no attitudes for not picking up the phone or taking to the counter customers, that is not my place to be doing that. I dont dump trash or clean toilets, that is not my place either...

I know that the Instructor agreed verbally that I was right but I can see issues like this for the whole time that I am here. Woody and I discussed the possibility that the Instructor my be unable to continue in the long term (he confided that he is looking into a possible early retirement due to his health) and that we may be forced to look at a Plan B such as the school in Florida or even seeing if the Drouhards are still teaching up in Ohio. It really could give me the worries... but it also is a reminder that God is fully behind every thing that goes on.

I have signed a lease for three months and then it is month to month. I only have given three months of the 6 months of money to the school. If this is what God really wants me to do then He will make a way. I will trust Him to bring it to fruition in His time.

One of the things that makes it hard is the horrible music they play in there. I have started bringing my Ipod and listening to the wonderful podcasts, teaching and other programs as I did at thisplace. I feel a real lift in my heart as I take in daily food from God's word as well as instruction from great teachers and others. I can listen to this as long as I dont have a demonstration or DVD to watch. Tuning out the constant distractions is a huge help to me.

I am as committed as a soilder to this. I dont know what the future will hold, but I want to get through this and succeed. For the first time in my life, I dont want to be told that "I cant" or "You annoy me cause you arent doing it well enough so stop already" or " I am sick of this so we have to stop"... My life as I know it depends on making a go of this business.

I said tonight that I dont know how I will feel about staying in NW Arkansas if I have to work for someone. Commuting is just crazy, the price of gas is nearly $4.00 a gallon. If we came to the city like moving here we could use Public transit and be closer to everything we need. I can walk to the store, the doctor I am using even church if I chose. Its all within a mile of here. Its 5 miles to a store in Bella Vista. I could get used to apartment life if it was like this place, so very quiet all of the time...but I am getting ahead again

I cant do that. I have promised myself that I would try to live in the day one day at a time while I am here. I am trying to not fret (picture a horse breaking out in a nervious lather pulling at the bit out of unseen fear while standing safe in its stall.. that is "fretting") or worry or get ahead too far. That is not what this is about. Its been hard while so ill, getting out will help a lot as I feel better.

Annabelle is doing well and is the darling of the complex. I have to restrain her exuburances when meeting new people, but other than that she is a happy camper loving the climb up and down the stairs to go walking outside. I am so glad that I was able to bring her with me.

I ask for your continued prayers and good wishes, for I most certainly need them as I climb this mountain one step at a time.

Labels: Annabelle, Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Bella Vista, Business start up, Conner School, Faith, Health, IN, Kentucky, New Albany, Woody, working

April 16, 2008

"We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Program...."

One of my best friends now that hot tea is my drink of choice these days...

Definition of Interruption
Interruption

The act of interrupting, or breaking in upon.


The state of being interrupted; a breach or break, caused by the abrupt intervention of something foreign; intervention; interposition.


Obstruction caused by breaking in upon course, current, progress, or motion; stop; hindrance; as, the author has met with many interruptions in the execution of his work; the speaker or the argument proceeds without interruption.


Temporary cessation; intermission; suspension.

The coughing fits were unbelievable in their intensity, I gasped for air to find none, then to feel my brain thrown sideways against my skull, as my diaphragm jerked my chest forward in another heaving spasmodic wave. I coughed none stop for thirty minutes. I know, I was watching a clock across the room. The barking sounds coming from my throat confused my dog who was whining and barking at me, tail between her legs, perhaps despairing that somehow she was displeasing me and I was yelling at her. She knew there was a problem but not what it was. I sat there on the floor, in the mess I had made, trying to reassure her non verbally, my head spinning...Finally in an effort to get up and get to the bathroom, I managed to get up and into a chair off of my knees... Only to start coughing again, and as I tried to stand, I fell forward and blacked out...

I woke to Annabelle licking my face in a frantic effort to wake me up... She is my best friend in truth...

... "Doctor I have been ill for nearly three weeks but the cough started 10 days ago..." and it started again, the incredible coughing spasms, I practically threw myself into this mans arms the forward motion was so violent. I know he was surprised because of the look on his face as he held me by the shoulders as I coughed my brains out into the towel he provided quickly. Looking at what I had produced, he said " As you said no sign of infection and you are an allergy sufferer... With the rains the mold here is particularly bad, and of course everything in the world is blooming just now... but I don't think that is what this is. I think you have Pertussis. I looking at him and said "Whooping Cough? I know I was vaccinated for that, Im too old for the "Dont Vacinate your Kid for fear of what ever" crowd...

He went on to say that the description of the course of my illness exactly matches what happens when Whooping Cough is presented Low grade infection that seems to go away, but all that has done is fool the body into thinking that its done its job in the meantime the Pertussis bacteria breeds in your lungs, filling them up. By the time your body realizes there is this problem its too late and the horrendous
cough is the last ditch effort of the body to fight it off. Infants suffucate from the mucus this plague generates. In adults, you take over the counter drugs like Mucinex and it doest touch it. I had taken OTCs for the full three weeks and was so saturated with the various chemicals in them that my ususally low blood pressure was up to 160/100. That in an of its self was scary, and had I not gone to the doctor, that could have had a very bad outcome.

So the doctor gave me an antibiotic. I was still skeptical, but he said that this antibiotic was fairly specific and if I had something else my sputum would go from clear to slightly discolored, if it is pertussis, it will be very ugly, and a lot of it. Take the other three percriptions to handle the cough, clear liquids and bed rest. NO OTC's period, no even asprin for a few days. drink as much water as I can to clear out and reduce my Blood Pressure... that would go a long way to making me feel better

Fortunaly, the nest is well stocked with food and doggy treats, I I went home and locked myself in. He was right, my sputum turned so vile that had he not mentioned it I might have gone to ER thinking I was dying finally.The first day was still very bad but it has gradually gotten better, but I am still very weak and feel like a feather could knock me over.

My instructor was very encouraging, and rightly wants me to stay home untill I am over this. The atmosphere at the school, with the chemicals, particulate from filing sanding and polishing as well as the smoking that goes on there is no good for me right now. I am not missing anything because the classes repeat at intervals and I am going to be here for a long while yet.

Woody was willing to drive back out here, but I waved him off as he could get this too and he is better off where he is. Nothing on him, mind you, but his ideas of pampering me and mine are way different. I really need to just be quiet and alone. I dont need errands run or anything, Annabelle is going to do her business on the pad things and yes my trash and out bound mail are piling up but perhaps she and I will take to short walk to the trash and mail box today, Its a nice sunny day today.

I used to find that innteruptions into "my" life plan were so annoying...but I think now that they are God's way of showing me something. My broken foot last fall was a great example of that. It slowed me down to see the possiblities of a different future than the one that I was bitterly resigning myself to. It gave me time to listen to God and to my own heart and to formulate a plan.

I see that this is true in this situation as well. I have had time to connect with my new surroundings. Time to rest to play and bond with Annabelle, who now wants to be with me every moment I am home (other than jump into the shower, she cant understand why I would want to get wet everyday....) To think and be quiet... that has been a great gift...

But some more tea and time to get comfy on the the couch. I still cough violently when laying down. I am so looking forward to a real nights sleep prone on a bed. At Dawn the sun rises just over the first green. Its lovely to see the sunrise again.

Labels: Annabelle, Breaking News, Conner School, Faith, Health, Woody