March 20, 2010

Reconcilliation and Absolution

Light To The World Lighted Cross that perches in a very steep hillside overlooking the valley below...
Mount Sequoyah Conference Center Fayetteville Arkansas

3-17-10

Every child who received Christian instruction learns the story of the man who's friends brought him to Jesus by lowering him through the roof. You remember that first Jesus says to him "My son, your sins are forgiven you"... This gave rise to protests from religious leader present and even today you will hear in Protestant Churches..."Who can forgive sins but God alone?"... Jesus goes on to say "Why do you ask this question? Which is easier to say, "your sins are forgiven or Rise, take up your bed and walk? But so you will know that the Son of Man has the authority to forgive sins I say to you "Rise, take up your bed and walk" (Mark 2:1-12) As a Protestent I longed to hear those word said to me... "my son, your sins are forgiven you" As a Church of Christ Preacher I would preach sermons about forgiveness and wonder..truly are my sins forgiven?... There is much emphasis on the Lord's Supper...and the need to be fully confessed and not partake in an "unworthy manner".Was I unworthy? Was that why certain sins kept "hanging on" Was there something unaffective in my baptism ( I Cor 11:27)

All along I wondered if I needed to have been alive in the time of Jesus to have heard those words of pardon and forgiveness, or would I forever wonder...

Bruce Sullivan "Christ In His Fullness"



Jesus said to them again, “Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, even so I am sending you.” And when he had said this, he breathed on them and said to them, “Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive the sins of anyone, they are forgiven; if you withhold forgiveness from anyone, it is withheld.”
St John 20:21-23

The Church is quiet, it is in the middle of the day, I can hear, off in the distance, the laughter of the preschoolers in the day care center that is run there on the campus. I wait in the Adoration Chapel until Msgr Scott comes and gets me... "Well... are you ready?" he says with a smile..."ready as I will ever be" and we walk into the church through a set of glass doors to the confessional room.

Gone are the days of tiny closets and wooden boxes. With scandal and accusations ever at the forefront, there are few truly private confessionals anymore and certainly none in modern Catholic churches in this country. You have the illusion of privacy but the lightly stained glass and the clear glass doors so that both sides of the screen are in full view from the outside. Its obvious that people are in there… As one young man said in class…”Why be so concerned about visual privacy, so you are confessing to Father…so what?” So what indeed my young friend, hopefully you will never have anything so pressing and shameful that such privacy will be needed.

But like the young man, I have similar feelings about this most misunderstood of the seven Sacraments. I wonder why people don’t take advantage of this wonderful opportunity to have this kind non judgmental person that cares about you listen to you unburden yourself. I have wondered how hard this could be month in and month out….that was until I sat down and really thought about what a monumental task this was going to be to prepare for my first confession.

First I thought that I was going to have to go back to my childhood and confess as many sins as I could remember. That was enough to make me cringe. How does one do that? So true to my 21 century electronic age culture and information gathering skills I went to that wealth of spiritual resource Google and pulled up this gem http://anglicanhistory.org/pusey/pusey1.html this treatise, written 150 years ago, was very helpful. Then I met with Father and he said “Oh, no you have only to go back to when you were baptized, which was 1990…and no laundry lists, lets talk about real things that hold you back, get you down… things you want to be rid of …” That really helped a lot. I have a lot I want to lay down and I only have to deal with recent sins instead of a lifetimes worth of sins. This is because baptism effectively washed the sins of my youth from my soul… This was a new concept when I first heard it….and I think that this is one of the things that draws me to the Catholic church… The Sacraments

The Sacraments are efficacious signs of grace, instituted by Christ and entrusted to the Church, by which divine life is dispensed to us. The visible rites by which the sacraments are celebrated signify and make present the graces proper to each sacrament. They bear fruit in those who receive them with the required dispositions....

I intend to write more about the sacraments, but this is so important. We Evangelicals and Protestants of every stripe have lost a valuable gift in giving up the sacraments. I am only just now coming to understand the value of a tangible touchable understandable evidence of the graces imparted by our Lord… and the sacrament of Reconciliation or Pennace is one of the most misunderstood. I have heard from friends and family that “you don’t need a priest to be forgiven. Well that is true and the “forgiveness of desire” is found as a legitimate theological precept in the Catechism. However, the concept that “confession is good for the soul, is very accurate. As it says in the book of James

Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. James 5:14-16

I can only explain by telling the rest of the story.

I sat down over a course of days and broke my life down into segments based on lifes experience. My single life prior to meeting Woody, my courtship and marriage, the first few years , the time in Hawaii and then the time in Arkansas and our divorce. Like I have said before our life together was a play in three acts and it fit neatly into the structure laid out by Rev. Pussey in that article. I also wrote about my experience with Mr. Wonderful and confessed my inordinate attachment to him and how sorry I am for the damage this has caused so many people. I confessed my feelings of resentment towards my parents and my family, how even as they have hurt me deeply the resentment is a cancer that I want to be gone from my life….

My self indulgent sins, personal flaws and faults I had a laundry list, as do most people I filled a dozen pages or more in this notebook with the entire mess. I prayed about it and wondered how I would do….

I entered the room and there was a chair for me. This was a special appointment as I was not going to be able to go in the evening with the other candidates, since I am working. I sat down. I cant kneel anymore. My knees are so bad from the nasty falls I have taken and my weight. I opened my notebook and after Father said the bidding prayers…I began

“ Bless me Father for I have sinned. This is my first confession. I was baptized in June of 1990, and have tried with all of my heart to live the way Jesus would have me to live and I have failed most wretchedly, may God have mercy on my soul….”
I began to read my notes and it all came back to me. The sins both of commission and omission… I let it all go, from my bitterness regarding my barrenness to my desire for a married man I can never have, to my active rage at Woody for his faults, to my resentments towards my family for their misunderstanding and non acceptance of me… I asked God to forgive me of the defects of character that plague me due to my father’s and Woody’s drinking, and my mother’s controlling behavior.

My uncontrollable anger… My inordinate desires I cannot control…even my immaturity that while is not a fault or defect of character but in my struggle to try to grow up, I hurt people, and cause a lot of grief.

Father asked a few questions for clarification, admonished me to not see Mr. Wonderful again, ask if he was the reason for my divorce. I could say no truthfully. While he inspired me to find myself and to reach for better greater things he wasn’t the reason Woody and I are apart…and with that, I received the penance of saying the Rosary everyday for three days in reparation for the pain I have caused other people… and then came the Act of Contrition which I felt with all of my heart as I said these words…

“O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended thee, and I detest all my sins because of thy just punishment, but most of all because they offend Thee, my God, who art all-good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve, with the help of thy grace, to sin no more and to avoid the near occasion of sin. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen”

Then Msgr Scott came to my side of the partition and stood over me and extended his hands in blessing over me, and prayed the prayer of absolution:

“God, the Father of mercies, through the death and resurrection of His Son
has reconciled the world to Himself and sent the Holy Spirit among us
for the forgiveness of sins;
Through the ministry of the Church may God give you pardon and peace,
and I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.”

I have stood under waterfalls in Hawaiian streams, the pounding shower of water that flows over you in a stream of refreshing blissful coolness after a hot sweaty hike to get to them…It is one of the most wonderful feelings I have ever experienced… I had a similar rush after this prayer… I felt like a burden of years was lifted off of me and that God really and truly forgiven me.

Heaven opened wide its windows and the light of God poured into my heart… I will never forget this moment.

Father asked me if I felt different… Yes I do and yes I will be different from this day forward.

4-2-10

I finish this on the eve of my reception into the Church on Good Friday night. I am at work surrounded by my coworkers that are as supportive of this moment as family should be…some even in a sort of awe that I would do this at this point in my life. On man said that I will be forever changed after tomorrow night. I know that I am changed even now. Thank you God for this great gift

Labels: Books, Catholic, Church, Faith, Personal Growth

August 22, 2008

The"Check Engine" Light is Flashing

Peaceful Ohio River Riverfront Park Louisville Kentucky...I love going and sitting by the river and taking its vastness in

I feel like my "Check Engine" Light is flashing. When that happens with one of our vehicles Woody is pretty quick to see that the proper attention is sought via the dealership garage. In my case, I may have gotten ahead of God with regards to employment and as a result the important work that He wants to do before I return to Arkansas might get shortchanged if I am not careful.

I have a lot to do but cant seem to get motivated... time is passing and as if to quietly remind me the leaves are starting to turn brilliant colors signalling that while we have scorching heat and humidity this week, the nights are cooler by the week and fall will be in full swing before long. Its only 9 weeks or so before I leave here for the forseeable future. Once I get home its work and practice on my skills as a jeweler first and foremost. Any inner work would get pushed by the wayside by business development, buildout and possibly moving into a new home for myself and Annabelle.

I worked at the Craft Store two full days...agonizing days of standing on concrete floors stocking shelves with...Christmas stuff... in August. The place where I broke my foot last September hurt so badly it felt like a lit cigarette was being shoved against the side of my foot. I hobbled home and stiffly walked my doggy and died each night

Its not worth it, its not enough money to warrant injuring myself and I am not interested enough in the work to carry on with it. I really felt that I needed to focus on my business plan and spend more time at the jeweler that had offered to help me practice my skills at repair...

So I typed up the resignation letter...

Today I went in to the jeweler to work... The last two times she has given me a herringbone chain to cut and solder back together. First chain is my thing. I do that better than anyone in either school that I attended. Link, Cable, rope, snake and funky zebra chain (I did one of those so well that Madam Jeweler coulnt find the joint)but herringbone is one that I have never mastered, you cant reweave it and no matter what you do it kinks and looks like crap. It was one of the things that the 1980's produced along with Spandex pants that once you snag they are ruined.

At Conner's, I would first have thoughly cleaned the peices by soaking in lye, then rinse steam sonic and steam again so it was sterile clean. Dirt and skin oil can cause the soft heat from a low flame torch to grow hotter melting the delicate links as you solder. I would then split the chain exactly straight with end cutters and file the joint smooth so that the herringbone mates, firecoat, flux and flame it gently so the soft solder just melts. Its like brushing it...Even with all of this care and some sucess, Charlie counseled us to get the customer to scrap out this old chain for a new one as it never looks as good as new unlike some other styles of chain.

Madam Jeweler said for me to cut evenly and reweave it then solder. No cleaning. As I pulled the links open the dirt just fell out in chunks. I tried to reweave the links at leat ten times and each time I did it and tried to solder it the thing melted and fell apart. It was frustrating to say the least.

I asked for a demo and she said that she didnt have time... no one was in the store and she seemed edgy, finally she said that she couldnt do this anymore. She was upset that I was going home in October. She was training me for nothing, and she had hoped that I would stay on for Holiday and she could perhaps give me the chains and the sizings and pay me a little. But I wasnt any good to her or anyone as I dont know anything and Charlie took my money and didnt teach me anything.

At that point I turned off my light and pulled my visor off. I thanked her for her time and told her that I was sorry for any trouble that I had caused. I had brought in my chair that I had brought from Conner's to use and I knew that the other jeweler really liked it. I offered it to her for her second bench in compensation for the materiels I had used and the scrap that was now in the sweeps pile.

In a way I am relieved. I was being hit everytime I went in there, by how little I learned from Charlie...Hello! How could I sit there for all of that time and come home with fried fingers and polishing compound up my nose and not know anything? I dont think so and it inspires me to get home and get started...

I know one little lady that is thrilled to have me all to herself everyday


Annabelle posing in the sun with her new hair bob

Annabelle celebrated her first year as my doggy this week, again I know that she was Heaven sent and has been a loving companion these past 6 months

And so it goes. I am reading more of Dr. Cloud having finished "The Secret Things of God" I have assignments at counseling, my novice therapist is forthright and provocative, and a great listener. I hope he's as good a listener with his new wife!

God threw on my "Check Engine" light so I would rethink a few things... I am so glad that He did. It pays to listen and take your life to the Master Mechanic once in a while. The tune up you get can make all the difference in your life

Labels: Annabelle, Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Books, Business start up, Conner School

April 13, 2007

The Reading List

Here is an interesting Meme that I got off the great blog Texas Trifles Bold is read... I wonder why some of these are on the list and some other Epic Wonders are not... I will add a list of titles that I think should be added for value both story telling and cultural. because some of those listed are...well...I guess this is a popularity contest...Harry Potter is entertaining I suppose but its not literature, at least not yet... but are lets take number one, the bogus plagiarized...

1. The Da Vinci Code (Dan Brown)Why?

2. Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen)

3. To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee)

4. Gone With The Wind (Margaret Mitchell) (about 10 times)

5. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (J. R. R. Tolkien)

6. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (J. R. R. Tolkien)

7. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (J. R. R. Tolkien)

8. Anne of Green Gables (L. M. Montgomery)

9. Outlander (Diana Gabaldon)

10.A Fine Balance (Rohinton Mistry)

11. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (J. K. Rowling)

12. Angels and Demons (Dan Brown)

13. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (J. K. Rowling)

14. A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving)

15. Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden)

16. Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (J. K. Rowling)

17. Fall on Your Knees (Ann-Marie MacDonald)

18. The Stand (Stephen King) (parts of it)

19. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (J. K. Rowling)

20. Jane Eyre (Charlotte Brontë)

21. The Hobbit (J. R. R. Tolkien)

22. Ulysses (James Joyce)

23. The Catcher in the Rye (J. D. Salinger)

24. Little Women (Louisa May Alcott) (again about 10 times)

25. The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold)

26. The Life of Pi (Yann Martel)

27. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)

28. Wuthering Heights (Emily Brontë) (at least three times)

29. The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe (C. S. Lewis)

30. East of Eden (John Steinbeck)

31. Tuesdays with Morrie (Mitch Albom)

32. Dune (Frank Herbert)

33. The Notebook (Nicholas Sparks)

34. Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand)

35. 1984 (George Orwell)

36. The Mists of Avalon (Marion Zimmer Bradley)

37. The Pillars of the Earth (Ken Follett)

38. The Power of One (Bryce Courtenay)

39. I Know This Much is True (Wally Lamb)

40. The Red Tent (Anita Diamant)

41. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)

42. The Clan of the Cave Bear (Jean M. Auel)

43. The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)

44. Confessions of a Shopaholic (Sophie Kinsella)

45. The Five People You Meet In Heaven (Mitch Albom)

46. The Bible

47. Anna Karenina (Tolstoy)

48. The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas)

49. Angela’s Ashes (Frank McCourt)

50. The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck)

51. She’s Come Undone (Wally Lamb)

52. The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)

53. A Tale of Two Cities (Charles Dickens)

54. Ender’s Game (Orson Scott Card)

55. Great Expectations (Charles Dickens)

56. The Great Gatsby (F. Scott Fitzgerald)

57. The Stone Angel (Margaret Laurence)

58. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (J. K. Rowling)

59. The Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough)

60. The Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood)

61. The Time Traveler’s Wife (Audrey Niffenegger)

62. Crime and Punishment (Fyodor Dostoyevsky)

63. The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand)

64. War and Peace (Leo Tolstoy)

65. Interview With The Vampire (Anne Rice)

66. Fifth Business (Robertson Davis)

67. One Hundred Years Of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)

68. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (Ann Brashares)

69. Catch-22 (Joseph Heller)

70. Les Miserables (Victor Hugo)

71. The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)

72. Bridget Jones’s Diary (Helen Fielding)

73. Love in the Time of Cholera (Gabriel Garcia Márquez)

74. Shogun (James Clavell)

75. The English Patient (Michael Ondaatje)

76. The Secret Garden (Frances Hodgson Burnett)

77. The Summer Tree (Guy Gavriel Kay)

78. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Betty Smith)

79. The World According To Garp (John Irving)

80. The Diviners (Margaret Laurence)

81. Charlotte’s Web (E. B. White)

82. Not Wanted On The Voyage (Timothy Findley)

83. Of Mice And Men (John Steinbeck)

84. Rebecca (Daphne DuMaurier)

85. Wizard’s First Rule (Terry Goodkind)

86. Emma (Jane Austen)

87. Watership Down (Richard Adams)

88. Brave New World (Aldous Huxley)

89. The Stone Diaries (Carol Shields)

90. Blindness (Jose Saramago)

91. Kane and Abel (Jeffrey Archer)

92. In The Skin Of A Lion (Michael Ondaatje)

93. Lord of the Flies (William Golding)

94. The Good Earth (Pearl S. Buck)

95. The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd)

96. The Bourne Identity (Robert Ludlum)

97. The Outsiders (S. E. Hinton)

98 White Oleander (Janet Fitch)

99. A Woman of Substance (Barbara Taylor Bradford)

100. The Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield)


Here are my bonus books

The Winds Of War (Herman Wouk)

War and Rememberance (Herman Wouk)

All Quiet On The Western Front (Erich Maria Remarque )

One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich. (Alexandr Solzhenitsyn)

Night (Elie Weisel)

Hawaii (James Mitchner)

Reading Lolita in Tehran (Azar Nafisi)

Out Of Africa ( Isak Dinesen )

The Prophet (Kahlil Gibran)

Imitation of Christ (Thomas a Kempis )

Confessions (Augustine of Hippo)


Well readers everywhere take heart. Great literature is still being produced and I see the library as a place of great adventures!

Labels: Books, Memes, Reading