September 27, 2008

The Serene City

City Fountains Riverfront Park Downtown Louisville Kentucky

Its been nearly two weeks since the massive wind storm rattled this city with hurricane force winds that toppled trees that were standing here when Daniel Boone crossed into the territory. You can still hear chain saws and air hammers driving roofing nails but the sound of generators is a thing of the past.

The Ryder Cup was an astounding success according to the locals who feard that the storm had damaged things and ruined ths chance for the city to make some revenue. With the economic downturn and the demise of the Ford Explorer (Ford id the biggest employer in town and the one closest to my home) a lot of people took temporary jobs doing grounds keeping and hospitality type jobs. There are fund rasing events that begin for the Derby Festivities that take place 6 months from now.

This is a city that surprises me daily. From the national write up this week( sorry the article has disapered off the net) on the flourishing Indie music scene, to the incredible number of churches that have over 1500 people a sunday through their doors (one personal souce seemed to think more per capita than any city in America,based on their information gathering and Louisville's population, which is the 16th largest in the US) to the 24 hour horse racing channel on the basic cable. (I was in a resturant and they had horse racing on in the bar area when I usually sit as I am alone on a saturday night. Curlin won again to the delight of patrons in the bar. )If you like the ponies, there is a race going on somewhere and this four legged ESPNis covering it. I suppose you can wager as well but I have not explored that aspect of it.

Like my last weeks in Hawaii I have found that these last two weeks have been very sweet as I do things that I want to do before I leave...sort of take a farewell tour. More photos comming! But I also realized just how much leg work I can do while I am here so I have been hard at work on my business as well.

I bought a new computer this week. A Dell Vostro, before I start getting email groaning about Dell I bought it from a dealer here and not online. I have already had two house calls and they have done some work online to tweek the thing so it is perfect for me. Some of the complaints are not valid for me. I use a external keyboard for serious typing and a tracball mouse. I love the slot drive the speakers are a upgrade from the tin box ones on my Inspiron 700 that I have been blogging one for almost four years.(It has been a wonderful little machine not given me a lick of trouble)

I bought the Vostro here because I wanted to get the bugs out and have onsite tech support as I load and tweek my accounting and inventory software that is being sent to me by David Geller of Jewelerprofit.com. This man is an industry icon that revolutionized the trade by writing a template overlay for Quickbooks for the management of a jewelry business. He tweeks everything customer for each package, and supports the product. The best part is that the price is very reasonable so that even a newbe like me can afford it.

I had a over the phone consult with David and found him very personable and concerned about my situation...the situation at Conners...and the situation that I have been avoiding... I know that I am not very good at what I want to do yet and what will I do when I open my doors and people come streaming in with repair work that I dont know how to do or if Im lucky, have more than I can do of what I know I can do... That is a likely senario. If I dont take it in and do it right and fast, I will ruin my reputation before I am out the starting gate.

His answer is for me to sub some of that work out. He is right and he had the name of a firm near here that does this for jewers on a national basis with a fine reputation. I am meeting with the CEO this week. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my sholders, because this big question has been answered. I will learn from the finished work I get back from this firm and I can focus on getting my business off of the ground, doing the creative work that earns more money, and learning more things. I feel like I can really do this and the only thing I need to fear is my fears and self doubts...

All I need to do is get started, which I am doing. one foot in front of the other...

In my personal life, I am doing a lot of hard work in counseling...really hard. Its amazing what God will use to speak to a person about things He wants to deal with. I saw a re-run of an episode of "Without A Trace" where one of the agents had a brother go missing. Turns out there were huge substance abuse issues and how the family dynamic was playing out over and over again. I have been confronted with the idea that my 20 years of sobriety or clean Christian Living what ever you want to call it may have been by Gods grace and my own powerful will, but the cost has been losing myself, who I am, moulding myself into something that I am not and perhaps most profoundly being unable to move out of and past painful events and situations. I am stuck in events that happened 13 years ago. Being married is one of them. My anger and rage is the result. I dont know what to do. My "griever" and "forgiver" is broken...I cant seem to do it anymore...truly I dont want to do it anymore Im sort of sick of it but dont know what to do next. I want to leave the worse of it behind...and we know who that is... because I can no longer forgive someone that is hurting me and many times isnt even aware seemingly of the damage he is doing...

So I take drives around the city and the countryside and think. I look out at the golfers and envy them their easy comraderie...knowing that I have never had such a relationship, such a friendship in my life... I reherse for sunday worship and felt a pulling at my pantleg...there was 13 month old Emma the daughter of one of the young men in the worship band pulling up on my leg standing for the first time then letting go when she realized I wasnt her mummy. She took two steps on her own and fell flat on her face. We applauded her "one giant leap" to independence....and I felt a knife twist in my heart and an unholy envy that never seems to end... I could have grandbabies by now and there will be nothing and no one and I cant get past it...

I cant get past lovers dysplaying affection, or couples planning their futures together. There will be no "together" for me. Because there has been no affection...
I had made a gift to give Woody when he comes to get me next month and as I put it in the closet all wrapped the enemy of my soul wispered "there will be nothing for you...not now not ever... he never thinks of you, and doesnt care about you..." and I know that it is true. But I keep trying and that is why I need to end things because in that trying is more disapointments, more bitterness, more anger, and more dispair.

How I long for this to end. For me it has never been as simple as those who say..."just give it over to Jesus"

But in this city and this place I have been able to give it over more. Because I dont have to confront it. But this time is going to end and I will have to confront it. Please God let me remember this serene city and the times that I have been able to be quiet just for a little while.

Labels: Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Business start up, Conner School, Faith, Louisville