Short Bio~Hokule'a Kealoha is the Nom De Plume of a writer that formerly lived in Hawaii and is now living a life of adventure on the highways and byways of the American South . I am a Born Again follower of Jesus, as well as a wife, mother of cats and dogs,jeweler, entreprenuer, photographer and pilgrim...
Age~ Old enough to know better
Status~ Newly Single after 13 years of marriage,fur mom to the loving and devoted mini ShihTzu doggie Annabelle, born 6-11-2007 RIP 2-25-09, and the beautiful Abigail born 2-14-09
Hair Color~ natural brown/grey
Mood~ I ALWAYS have a mood, try me...
Loving~ Jesus, Hawaii, my furry friend, Abigail, my Pen Pals, Jewelry ,Blogging ,Writing anything,my Ipod,and being outdoors surrounded by my wonderful natural surroundings
He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy. When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, And I realize just how beautiful You are, And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us so, Oh how He loves us, How He loves us all
We are His portion and He is our prize, Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes, If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking. So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss, And my heart turns violently inside of my chest, I don’t have time to maintain these regrets, When I think about, the way…
He loves us Oh how He loves us, How He loves us all
I am rather particular about worship songs. I despise schlock that passes as Praise Music and these Top 40 songs that make Jesus sound like your girlfriend… When I would hear this song on the radio, as it has hit the charts again with a recover by the Dave Crowder Band I would turn the station as I found it… juvenile.
However we have been singing this song a lot at the contemporary service at the Methodist church, and the kids seem to love it at the Youth Mass at Catholic Church. I also have a friend continually concerned that I just cant seem to process the love of God in my heart who gently ordered me to “sing the song to yourself ten times a day until you can begin to understand the meaning of the message…Jesus loves YOU… and so do I…”
So… I have been bombarded by this tune. It seems that God wants to tell me something about Himself. Something that I have found impossible to understand.
I have been stuck for quite a while… wrestling with the ideas of Gods love and Grace and His will and the calamities the befall us all. I have had more than my share of grief in my life. In this time of relative calm it seems that memories and long buried pains are cropping up like dragons teeth. I would find myself sobbing for no reason and the nightmares at times have been terrible. I would pray and pray and read scripture…Finally I had an appointment with my therapist, who challenged me to try to find myself in that ultimate book of human vs calamity…the book of Job.
I am on an odyssey to find myself in the pages of this book, to allow the words of the scriptures bring up old memories, feelings fears and pain and to write about it. The first few chapters were so agonizing that I wasn’t going to keep on with it. But another friend challenged me to keep trying. That he was struggling through a lot of the same issues and was doing a similar exercise with writing . While it is hard, I have found some beautiful things to think about. So I am going to keep after it.
Another friend, when I shared with her about my situation, passed into my hands a wonderful book called “Why Am I Afraid To Love?” by Fr. John Powell SJ. It its few pages he explains in layman’s terms how the lack of love sharing experiences in early childhood, make it difficult if not impossible for a person to understand and appreciate love expressed to them by another human being but most importantly from God Himself. I see myself over and over again in the examples given and points taken. I realize that the abuse has taken its toll, and that our family system is so broken on a grand scale that any expectation of "normal" whatever that is will not be productive
In trying to gain some perspective on the subject, I am also trying to understand the possessive but inclusive nature of the love of God… God Wants to posess us exclusively but also inclusively within the context of His Body...When a human has “loved” me possessively, it hasn’t been a good thing at all… God loves me possessively I need to think more about this
In spending time meditating on this, I have decided that I really don’t know what love is. I don’t know how to give or receive love, I don’t know if I have ever been truly loved by another person. There have always been conditions, expectations and demands…most of which I was unable to meet. I am so hurt inside that I am afraid to reach out, to believe in and to trust…in anyone or anything
I want to learn how to love aright. Im not sure that I can on my own without the help of another person…Im not sure if I will ever begin to understand it, on a human level let alone the unconditional love of God. The book that I have been reading seems to point towards relationship being the answer… I am really ready to find this I am seeking this growth everyday and want the truth to fill my life and my heart
Until I do find what I am looking for, I will continue to feel like this tree in my photo grounded in the solid earth soaking up the nourishing rain and sun, but battered by the storms of life. It is my prayer to grow to be better able to cope with the storms of life so like this sapling, I can be strong enough to withstand the hurricane of His love
I’m forgiven because You were forsaken, I’m accepted, You were condemned. I am alive and well, Your spirit is within me, Because You died and rose again.
Amazing love, How can it be That You, my King, should die for me? Amazing love, I know it’s true. It’s my joy to honor You, In all I do, I honor You.
You are my King Jesus You are my King You are my King Jesus You are my King You are my King Jesus You are my King
Amazing love, How can it be That You, my King, should die for me? Amazing love, I know it’s true. It’s my joy to honor You, In all I do, I honor You.
The Frozen Forest on a field of green grasss Bella Vista AR
Thus says the Lord, who makes a way in the sea, a path in the mighty waters, who brings forth chariot and horse, army and warrior; they lie down, they cannot rise, they are extinguished, quenched like a wick: “Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. The wild beasts will honor me, the jackals and the ostriches, for I give water in the wilderness, rivers in the desert, to give drink to my chosen people, 21the people whom I formed for myself that they might declare my praise.
"Your life has taken many a difficult turn, but now a year later, you have come through, you have stood the test, have kept the faith. Your life is now a blank canvas, ready for The Lord and you...YOU (as she gently poked me with her finger)To create a new picture... to paint a new vision... Dont let ANYONE else paint on it..."
Sandy Andrews, on the feast of All Saints, when she returned to FUMCBV to remember the life of her departed husband Dr. Ed Andrews nearly one year after his death
Its a.. A New Day A New Week A New Month A New Year A New Decade
Like the Magi, we have discovered a star—a light and guide in the sky of our soul. “We have seen his star in the east and have come to worship him.” We have had the same experience. We too noticed a new light shining in our soul and growing increasingly brighter. It was a desire to live a fully Christian life, a keenness to take God seriously.
- St. Josemaria Escriva
I am out of a job and am a lady of leasure as of yesterday at 4 pm. I was ready to go. It wasnt a surprise. I made a decision that people were more important than production, names and stories rather than numbers and production. My stats went down and the decision to retain was in the end made just by the numbers. Im ok with that. I am afraid a little but I know God is with me and will provide for my needs
I have made a decision that I will be true to my God and his principles, True to my faith and the principles of the Church, and perhaps most importantly and as part and parcel to that which has proceeded... I will be true to myself, my needs, my feelings and my values... To have stayed on "top" at Walmart.com, meant I would have had to cheat, cut corners and ultimately sell out to the machine. I couldnt do that. My young up and coming boss was fired three weeks ago for fudging the numbers for the team...the others will be found out. I got a glowing letter of reccomendation and direction on how to find jobs with walmart. I will be working that job board heavily in the comming days
I also interviewed at a local trucking company. It was a three hour interview with a man who had been "meaning" to call me. I find the timing facinating... Its about as far away as any place I have interviewed so far... the only carrier futher away is CTI up in Joplin, but that cannot be a consideration...The manditory 45-50 hour work week cant be a consideration. Abigail locked in a cage day in and out cant be a consideration. I have to work. If the job is a success I will move closer to the terminal... which means not being so stuck on this house that I buy it and be locked in...everything is subject to re evaluation
I have come to some major decisions Nothing that was important before matters in 2010. Everything is up for grabs and for reconsideration...This includes relationships, prior commitments, and agreements. Nothing is going to be left "as it was" I cant afford that anymore.
First and foremost...Who or what is King in my life, and if Jesus is King in my life, and I have seen His star before me..the "Hokulea" the Star of Gladness, how committed am I to following that Star?... I was challenged both in a AA meeting I attended New Years Day and listening to Charles Stanley last night, that its not about the miricle of sobriety or just faith...you have to live it out,... accept the gift of salvation and releationship with God, but you have to do it, and that requires trust and obedience... As Dr. Stanley said, "How can you have relationship with someone you dont trust, you arent honest with, and are in rebellion to?" The answer is you cant be. My life with Woody was filled with these negative things. We had no trust, no transparency and because of the lack of love and understanding it made it impossible to not "rebel" so to speak against the other. I know he balked at anything and subtilely sabataged my efforts at a sober life and I found myself cursing him in my heart constantly as his lack of care of any part of our life together sucked the very will to live from my being. I found myself less and less willing to try to trust God because it seemed like I prayed and prayed for good and light as my heart grew darker and darker
The same with sobriety...Im pretty proud of the fact that I have now 21 years of sobriety but..have I been living a sober life? Its more than giving up the bottle, the condom, and the straw... Its living out The Steps, Traditions and Concepts which I havent done. I have tried to hold it together through sheer force of will, and as that crumbled, I found myself addicted to "love" and "hate" I fell in love with a man I can never have, just thinking about him gave me a buzz, and my daily cursing of Woody fueled a rage that became an addiction as strong as crack...Both of them are like crack really and just as lethal.
I am done with all of that. Woody has failed to contact me since he was here in November. We are done. I thought we could be friends but he wants to go his own way and the frustration of seeing him drink himself to death is not something I need in my life. If you are reading this farewell, I miss the you I used to know, not what you have turned into.
Mr. Wonderful left this area because of a job transfere last year. We have talked a few times but again nothing for a long time. He has moved on. For all of our sakes I need to move on as well. Let him go. I hear about how his family is doing though others he is in closer contact with, and its like a knife twist that I dont see him, yet we both know this would be a very bad idea...The emotions are fading and this makes me sad too. Farewell, my friend, have a wonderful life, you have earned it and deserve it. Thank you for being there for me when no one else was
Knowing him has been a bond with life, and a catalyst for change in my manner of living . He has a beautiful life, and in no way would I ever want to disrupt that. I need to be happy for the good times and have no regrets...
Lest you think this is about beating poor Hoku up, let me ease your mind. This will be the last said about any of this. I really am done with it all. There is a part of me that just wants to be free and I shall be. I have poured that New Years Cup of Kindness for myself as 2009 passed into 2010...as I listen to Christmas music even now Jan third and will likely leave my tree up till tax day cause I love it so.
I want to do things that will make me happy...even if they are hard or dont make sense to the rest of those around me. Its going to take a lot of work but its going to be worth it.
I believe in resolutions...goals more like... I have a few already thought up and mentally agreed upon for this year. They are:
Nothing is off the table with regards to what is best for Hoku...I have spent my whole life doing for others or what others thought was best for me. This year, in the face of great adversity I have tried to do what is best for me, and that will continue even if the costs rise in the interim...
I will pursue my faith...My faith is my primary vocation...and worship, how I worship, where I worship is very important. I currently minister in a church that is getting harder for me to be a part of. I will eventually have to decide if I continue there or withdraw completely in favor of either exclusivly attending the Catholic Church, or staying a hybrid and attending a evangelical church as well. I have a standing invitation to come to another body, a Disciples of Christ Church like Beargrass Church in Louisville where I attended while in Louisville. Sandy, the lady quoted above moved there after the death of her husband. That is if I feel the need for the teaching one gets in a protestant church, I might get plenty by utilizing the internet and books...I can also pray for change at FUMCBV, but right now there are enough difficulties that a move may be necessary even though I would miss my friends and leading worship terribly...
I will read 10 "Important" books. Not necessarily "classics" or "serious" works but I want to read books that will have a lasting effect on my thoughts and life.
Book 1 is in progress it is Jon Sweeny's "Almost Catholic". This book is for any person interested in Christian spiritual practices, not just Catholics or those that are in Catholic formation. Mr. Sweeney is High Church but not Catholic, his words say page after page things I have tried to say to those that are opposing my entering Holy Mother Church, that litugical practice frees us from the tyranny of the freedom to make our own way in the world spiritually and wondering if we are getting it right. I have experienced this first hand as I was run out of the ministry because I no long fit with the program... I watched a dear friend suffer at the hands of an abusive pastor because his worship leadership was not "cutting edge" enough..whatever that meant... You need structure and some foundation to build upon...
anyway those that read this blog please give me ideas, and list books at the end of this post that have impacted your life that you think would benefit me in my journey
I will file for bankruptcy, its no longer an option. I am being threatened with more than a lawsuit by a creditor right now. I will try to see a lawyer this week. Its not a matter either of pride or being a deadbeat. Its kinder to just get it overwith to everyone.
I will learn to crochet this year. I have a skein of yarn and a j hook and can chain stitch sort of already...
I will watch less tv and listen to more music, read more books and cruise Facebook less
I will be kind to myself.. I will say "I am worthwhile...I am worthwhile..." as many times as needed. I will never again visit the Walmart gun counter... I dont need to do that no matter who will be the first person to get that phone call...
I will be open to dating... I will be open to possibilities
Most of all... I will drink of the cup of kindness, weither given to me by friend or stranger, God or myself, and I will drink deeply and enjoy its fruits. I will also choose to pass that cup to all that I meet for God would have it so
The light on the hill, St Stephen's Catholic Church, Bentonville AR
I love this group... Third Day was the sound track for my time in Louisville, seems like they are the local fave band and I know they do get a lot of airplay on the local Christian Top 40 stations... Daily as I have trudged uphill inwardly through all of this I hear this song in my ears... A MWBS first, my first YouTube embed
Well, I know that there are some of you that wondered what happened to me, trust me I was wondering if I would be able to get back to blogging. I guess I had just run out of things to say. I also frankly have begun to feel like there are lurkers that check in on my life this way but dont take the time to pick up the phone and talk to me... The silence encouraged contact...for those of you that didnt call that have my number... dont bother...
I am well. I actually have two posts started on the two incredible jobs I have had since Labor Day, and rather than write about them now I will save them for another day.
My silence started three weeks ago when I realized that I had come to an end... I had no money, I had run out of food, Abi was sick, my utilities were going to be turned off, my insurance was canceled I had no prospects for anything. I froze up, and found that I couldnt face the world, with my Jesus smile on my face... I couldnt fathom what I was going to do or what I should do... so I stayed home suddenly on a Sunday morning, stayed in my jammies with the doggie and prayed, read the Word and leaned on God, asking God to give me the strength to face whatever it was I needed to face. The future looked really bad...
I know the truth, the God takes care of us. We are required to meet Him where He wants to meet us, that is not necessarily half way, sometimes it is 1/100 th of the way, but we need to do whatever it is that He wants us to do. I didnt know what that was until the next day. I was walking in the rain working on finding leads for my insurance work. I was lightly dressed and had a jacket on and I felt like I did 30 years ago... before I was married to the Engineer...when I walked aimlessly in West LA with my gay friends through some pretty mean streets. Hopeless and pretty lost feeling... flash forward I was hungry and cold and wondering if this was my future... There are a lot Believers living that way right now...OK God I thought I can do this if I must, as long as You are with me...
I received a phone call about an hour later from a friend asking me to do him a favor... as it turned out it was going to cost money... Not a lot of money, not enough to even register in this person's mind that "Hey, maybe she cant afford to do this for me..." But I didnt have two bucks of change left in my ashtray to get a burger...but at that point I said nothing, I waited and got the object he wanted mailed to his friend ready to mail off... When evening came, I told him via email that I hadnt the money for the project...and my phone rang...how much did I need...and please tell him what the situation really was like... which I did. He gently told me that I would receive and envelope from a mutual friend at a small group meeting we both attended the next day and I was to use what I needed to mail off the package and put the rest in my gas tank... The envelope was discreetly passed to me the next morning and there was just enough to pay UPS for the package and fill up my van with much needed gas...
In the same way I heard from a friend at church who is in management there, she was concerned that I was sick with no one to look after me... Well I told her the truth...that I just couldnt face it anymore... I am battle weary and worn out, and needed a day to just stop... She said that she didnt know how I had managed to stand up and face my situation day in and day out the way I have... and stay sane... I told her that sanity is debatable but I am still here, but... I was really in trouble and not sure what to do next. I told her my situation...There are services that can help me but they are very limited, and families are served first because the limited amount of aid goes to help more people. I shared with her that I swore I would never ask the church for help, but I didnt have anyone else to ask, my family has impossible conditions for me to meet, I have been unsuccessful in getting any sort of public assistance...
So the church got my power,phone water and car insurance caught up. I also have done some clean up work for several events held there that has brought in much needed income, that helped me pay the rent. They provided a gift card for a local market. Another friend sent me 100.00, which I have used to keep my van filled with gas. I received a bag of food for Abi...how did they know I was out of food for her? A Food Package was purchased in my name and given to me last week, things feel a bit easier..
Humbling myself before the church seems to be a key that has unlocked a huge door. I got two weeks work at a local water company... payment posting mostly but a wonderful small office with down to earth people that were just plain encouraging to be around day in and out. Then out of the the clear blue sky, a man with a local consulting firm called me. He had a 10 week plus assignment with Wal Mart.com, in fraud prevention. I have fininshed my first week and feel like this may be it, the permanant job I have been praying for. I feel very at home here and while this is very entry level and the pay reflects that, I know that God has guided me into this, and He will provide, I need to just trust Him and do my very best every day. There is the possibility they will need me after the Holidays, or that I will be able to get into another department. Walmart is not hiring here in the Home Office just now but seasonal work often leads into full time if there are openings...
Another tunnel that seems to have a light is my quest to join the Catholic Church. I had two horrid weeks at St Bernards, in their RCIA. These folks mean well but are not educated, and were not gifted in the teaching dept. It was about as interesting as watching grass grow... So a friend invited me to her church in Bentonville. They have a new priest who is a delightful man, very learned and teaches the classes himself. He is willing to work with me.. do anything needed to facilitate my entrance into the Church, and is very supportive of my continuing to minister at FUMCBV..."after all" Msgr Scott said..."its not a big leap, is it?" No its not... especially with St Stephens being what can only be described as very Contemporary with Praise and Worship music in the services, a crucifix with Jesus alive and in a posture of worship, arms raised, and a "read your Bible and witness to others" message at the Eucharist... Are we in a Baptist Church or what? Seriously, I sense a warmth of spirit and a potential for fellowship that hasnt been present before.. This is also a younger church full of young families and single people... who knows maybe I will meet Mr. Wonderful there... we never know... I just know that I have found a home there and perhaps this is the start of something big in my life...
And so there is a bit of light. I am not holding my breath, but walking forward in hope One Day at a Time, keeping my eyes fixed on Jesus the souce of my faith and provision..
The Tower at Twilight StStephen's Church Bentonville AR
The Journey Continues~A Spiritual Birthday Conversation
Reflection of Glory...Twilight clouds reflecting off of a volcanic tide pool near Pohiki Puna Distric Big Island of Hawaii
Father: You know what today is?
daughter: Yes of course its my birthday. It was 20 years ago that we really met and started to get to know each other.
Father: How do you feel about that?
daughter: Its been a wild strange trip for sure. I dont understand a lot of the reasons we have gone the way we have or why we are on the road we are on now, but I am ok with it...and that wouldnt matter anyway because we are going no matter what...
Father: Hmmm well yes that is true but how you accept the journey makes a huge difference in how you will feel about it as we go along. If you struggle against what I know to be the right thing for you its going to seem very laborious. Also if you try to get ahead of me, you might miss a turn that we need to make. I will always go where you want to go, its up to you, but you might miss something that you wouldnt want to miss along the way...For example, had you known that the portion of our journey that took us to Hawaii would be so very hard you might have said "lets not go there..." but you trusted Me...Remember the day you took this photo, when you and Woody drove the Puna road and saw the Hawaii of peoples dreams...
daughter: Yes, I remember the smell of the sea and its roaring accross the lava flows to the shore the whooshing sound as it gathered in the pools full of fish and other living things...Your earth is so alive it literally breathes with its own breath... Hamakua... God's Breath. I knew that you were with me then, and it was ok... all of the rough places...
Father:Is the journey now OK?
daughter: I dont know how I feel about it. Yesterday as I sang with the worship team at church I remembered that while at Hosanna,I once told you that to do that one time would be honor enough, let alone seven years of it. I enjoyed it that much...and will miss what I am doing now just as well, I think. Well, I am going to lay this thing down that I love so much to go back to an uncertain future that will not have such times for me...
Father: I am glad that you are doing the right thing. Its better to face the things that beset us and move on rather than avoid confrontation. Remember that I love you and that I will be with you. While the way seems uncertain, I know where we are going. This path has been set for you before the world was formed. I will provide and make a way for you in this new wilderness that you are entering. Remember that while the wilderness is a challenging enviroment it is also a place where I can be seen and recognized more clearly. I can manifest my power to save and can shape your life so it conforms more and more to the Image of My Son. Are you willing to let me do that?
daughter: I said yes to that very question 20 years ago on the beach in California, and I affirm that promise again now...
Father: I am very pleased that you trust me. Hold on to me and My Word. I promise that the adventure is just beginning
The difficult way...a pathway of stones crossing a tidal drainage stream in Lillioukalani Park Hilo Hawaii
Kentucky Sunrise over Indian Springs Louisville Kentucky
Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.
Follow your bliss and doors will open where there were no doors before.
When you follow your bliss... doors will open where you would not have thought there would be doors, and where there wouldn't be a door for anyone else.
Joseph Campbell
"Things are going really well here, we connect well as a quartet and I really need a strong presence at Beargrass to sort of strengthen the group, and expose them to a presence like yourself... What do you think?" The young worship leader at Watkins is a very sincere and intense young man, and not a vague flatterer. I thought about opportunity for a moment, the fact that it would mean a very long time for Annabelle to be in her crate and the long morning on my feet and ...
"Sure", I said, "Where and when?"
I have been convinced over and over that the deeper meaning of this time in Louisville was not just to learn the finer points of soldering precious metals together, but finding myself and finding the truth within, going to the source of my inner self and trying to be honest with myself...figure out when and where I went wrong...where my life got so out of order that I look in the mirror and cannot believe what I see there. Not me but someone that is not herself.
While I like Dr Campbell (his position of faith not withstanding) and these quotes are better known, it was Pastor Garry Ansdell of Hosanna Chapel who said over and over that "If you find yourself off track with God, go back to the last time you were truly in line with God's will and seek out where you went wrong...often that was the last time you were truly happy..."
Well, I know he was right. I have known the exact date I went off track for a long time. Being alone here has confirmed it, and for the last six months I have pursued enlightenment from the Scriptures and from other sources to sort out the troubles in my marriage and my life. I am convinced that the day Woody and I married was the beginning of the downturn in my life. This doesnt mean that being married was the only thing that caused my pain. I am always responsible for my response to every situation. However, human I am and the chronic rejection and lack of communication has left me feeling isolated, unwanted and in pain. The resulting anger at a situation that I felt I couldnt control or get out of was more and more out of control and dangerous to me as I repressed my feelings more and more.
One of the things that has made this worse is that I feel so alone. Today in my counseling session, my therapist told me something that he hadnt said before...that he heard the pain... the thirteen years of pain and loss. Losses that cannot be restored or compensated for in this life. The constant flow of rejection of myself and of the basic ideal of marriage/relationship... its worn me down...
years ago while I was struggling with my autoimmune problems I developed issues with chronic pain. My serotonin levels were so depleted that I was cranky and in pain all of the time. I was worn down, and depressed ... a low dose SSRI and a once daily OTC pain med did the trick. It was a little fix that change my whole out look on life
I wish that I had as easy a solution for this pain I am in now in, but there isn't one. A few weeks ago I realized this and really truly gave up. I know that I made vows to God and to Woody, but I dont have the strength anymore to hold up my end of the bargain. I have failed in community living with my husband, and in forgiveness... and I am not ready to ask God for forgiveness even yet...
But God is merciful and He heard my hearts cry. I felt lifted up like a weight had been lifted off and free to explore the next phase of my life
Within a week I was raised up and lead worship for the first time in 12 years. Imagine loving something that you know you were born to do but had no venue or way to do it. This isnt something you can just do. Someone at a church needs to have the conviction that God wants you to do this then asks/appoints you to do it. A lot of things need to just fall into place. It hadnt at FUMCBV and not for want of trying. A lot of people wanted me to be more deeply involved and I wanted to as well. It was mostly my job that kept me from rehearsal and devoting myself to it. But my own reticence to put myself out there for fear of being "found out" was mainly to blame ... a hypocrite is always found out. Once I was honest with myself,ie" I cant hold on to this relationship anymore and fake it by living with Woody..." I feel like I had returned to the point of being at peace and of being within the will of God... I know that its strange and likely doesnt make a bit of sense, but its how I feel thing are.
Then last week, being asked to sing at Beargrass Church and the wonderful reception I received there. The feeling of peace about landing where even I am going to land with regards to my future housing situation... and today the sense that perhaps I am on to a means of releasing the pain and anxiety of years of suffering and grief... I am amazed.
This opportunity to serve in God's house and feeling free of burdens too big to carry is indicative to me that I am walking in "first things". There is a joy in this journey that has suddenly come forth, like the sun coming out from behind a cloud.
None of this means that anything is resolved, quite the opposite. I have a load of work to do before I leave here and go back to NWA. But I am taking the time this week to focus on the losses and make a list for Mark and I to work on, and doing some tourist stuff. Fun stuff. Its going to be wet and rainy this weekend I can do my business plan then. I have been informed by the state of Arkansas that my permits are approved, so as soon as Woody can get the documents to me I can start to get bids on the tools and set up for my bench so I can start WORKING once I go home... I am so looking forward to that
The Sanctuary of Beargrass Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) in St Matthews township Louisville. One of Louisville's oldest continuous fellowshipping congregations, it was a singular honor to be invited to sing with their Worship Community this morning
1 Chronicles 16:8-36- Praise in God's House
David's Song of Thanks
Oh give thanks to the Lord; call upon his name; make known his deeds among the peoples! Sing to him; sing praises to him; tell of all his wondrous works! Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice! Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually! Remember the wondrous works that he has done, his miracles and the judgments he uttered, O offspring of Israel his servant, sons of Jacob, his chosen ones!
He is the Lord our God; his judgments are in all the earth. Remember his covenant forever, the word that he commanded, for a thousand generations, the covenant that he made with Abraham, his sworn promise to Isaac, which he confirmed as a statute to Jacob, as an everlasting covenant to Israel, saying, “To you I will give the land of Canaan, as your portion for an inheritance.”
When you were few in number, and of little account, and sojourners in it, wandering from nation to nation, from one kingdom to another people, he allowed no one to oppress them; he rebuked kings on their account, saying, “Touch not my anointed ones, do my prophets no harm!”
Sing to the Lord, all the earth! Tell of his salvation from day to day. Declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous works among all the peoples! For great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised, and he is to be held in awe above all gods. For all the gods of the peoples are idols, but the Lord made the heavens. Splendor and majesty are before him; strength and joy are in his place.
Ascribe to the Lord, O clans of the peoples, ascribe to the Lord glory and strength! Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name; bring an offering and come before him! Worship the Lord in the splendor of holiness; tremble before him, all the earth; yes, the world is established; it shall never be moved. Let the heavens be glad, and let the earth rejoice, and let them say among the nations, “The Lord reigns!” Let the sea roar, and all that fills it; let the field exult, and everything in it! Then shall the trees of the forest sing for joy before the Lord, for he comes to judge the earth. Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; for his steadfast love endures forever!
Say also:
“Save us, O God of our salvation, and gather and deliver us from among the nations, that we may give thanks to your holy name, and glory in your praise. Blessed be the Lord, the God of Israel, from everlasting to everlasting!”
Then all the people said, “Amen!” and praised the Lord.
Psalm 84 ~ A Day In Your House Is Better Than a Thousand Elsewhere
Warming up the Worship Community of Watkins United Methodist Church, Springhurst Village Louisville Kentucky
Psalm 84
How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord of hosts! My soul longs, yes, faints for the courts of the Lord; my heart and flesh sing for joy to the living God.
Even the sparrow finds a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may lay her young, at your altars, O Lord of hosts, my King and my God. Blessed are those who dwell in your house, ever singing your praise! Selah
Blessed are those whose strength is in you, in whose heart are the highways to Zion. [fn2] As they go through the Valley of Baca they make it a place of springs; the early rain also covers it with pools. They go from strength to strength; each one appears before God in Zion.
O Lord God of hosts, hear my prayer; give ear, O God of Jacob! Selah Behold our shield, O God; look on the face of your anointed!
For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of wickedness. For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly. O Lord of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in you!
In praise and thanks to God for His Blessing of ministry to others in raising me up to serve in the worship misnistry for the first time in nearly 10 years today.
Quiet reflection. A silvery haze hangs over the Greens at Indian Springs, the pond behind the 11th green, Indian Springs township Louisville KY
Remember that no matter how far you go, how much work you do here in therapy, you will perhaps be light years away from the place you were in, yet standing just around the corner from the person that you were. God calls us back to the first things all of the time, its up to us to see them for what they are and go to Him for the grace we will need time and time again...
Janice Alarcon to the author 1988
Here I am Lord and I'm drowning In Your sea of forgetfulness The chains of yesterday surround me I yearn for peace and rest I don't want to end up where You found me And it echoes in my mind Keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far As the East is from the West And I stand before You now As though I've never sinned But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away From You leaving me this way
Jesus, can You show me just how far the East is from the West? Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been Come rising up in me again In the arms of Your mercy I find rest Cause You know just how far the East is from the West From one scarred hand to the other
I start the day, the war begins Endless reminding of my sin Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away From You leaving me this way
Jesus, can You show me just how far the East is from the West? Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been Come rising up in me again In the arms of Your mercy I find rest Cause You know just how far the East is from the West From one scarred hand to the other
I know You've washed me white Turned my darkness into light I need Your peace to get me through To get me through this night I can't live by what I feel But by the truth Your word reveals And I'm not holding onto You But You're holding onto me You're holding onto me
Jesus, You know just how far the East is from the West I don't have to see the man I've been Come rising up in me again In the arms of Your mercy I find rest (mercy I find rest) Cause You know just how far the East is from the West From one scarred hand to the other
(Just how far, the East is from the West, Just how far) From one scarred hand to the other (You know just how far, the East is from the West, Just how far) From one scarred hand to the other
Mark Hall, Bernie Herms from the album: Casting Crowns:"The Altar and the Door" due to be released August 28,2008
Im lingering in a haze not unlike the one that is hanging over the Ohio Valley right now choking us all with the foul air as bad as any in LA. Its been in the 90's for days and with little rain for the last 10 days, there is nothing to clear out this inversion of air pollution. The heat index has hovered at 105, very dangerous to be out in this. Annabelle and I go out and walk in early morning, and I cant take her out even for a few minutes in the evening she starts to have athsmatic like coughs and frankly its pretty nasty anyway to be out
Thunderstorms would be welcome to clear out the foul air. In my life I wonder what will clear out the haze in my heart. I feel at odds with life and wonder what I need to do next.
I went in monday and told Charlie that I was going to leave. He said that due to the unforseen situations that I had faced and that I still wasnt really ready to take the JA test as planned I was welcome to stay as long as I liked free of charge to prepare for the exam. While his offer was gracious and I accepted I felt like I was... well...sort of pulled back into the vortex and I dont feel very good about it. I want to make my own choices and not be manipulated...
Truth is I want Charles approval. I feel like a fool when I take him my work that I know is not even up to standard, but I also want to do as he asks. Seeing more demos on the basics wont be helpful. I just need to do it over and over again.
Its that need for approval that bugs me. I thought that I was through with that, but I guess I am not...I am back where I started from when I was first in recovery. Twenty years hasnt made too much of a difference or has it. Only God knows
7-20-2008 10pm
Thunderstorms are ripping through Kentuckiana as I type this. Hopfully this will cool things down some. Its been reported that there have been deaths among the elderly here from the heat. I notice that a lot of my neighbors have their windows open and use fans rather than the A/C. Truth is that there are a lot of folks having hard times and cant afford the power bill. I am lucky as my apartment rent is all inclusive and I dont have to worry about it.
Woody called tonght and I am worried. Worried again that he says he has done nothing all week but read sleep and eat and watch golf on tv. I dont know what to say. I have asked for mail for a month now and have a list of things that I have asked him to do for me that have gone undone. His depression is very bad, I understand this perhaps better than most having watched my mother struggle to care for my dad for 30 years. My father spent what should have been the best years of his life in a drug and alcohol induced haze sitting on the sofa in our living room. Oh he did the dishes and kept the house vacumed and did a lot of little chores that Woody should and doesnt do...but insted of using his fine mind he let his time go to waste and I think Woody is headed in the same direction. In some ways he may be in worse shape because my father had us to think about, to talk to and to love and Woody doesnt have anything other than the cats and perhaps me... I am not sure how he feels about me really.
I dont want to "take care of" Woody. Work my butt off come home and start over doing all of the house work making all of the decisions... Its just wrong and its very bad for both of us. Woody has to decide to look after himself, to make a plan and follow through. If he cant do this that means he needs a more intensive treatment program and he will need to pursue that. If he chooses to not do that. I will have to make a decision that will be painful for both of us, because living in a relationship that is more co-dependent than the one we have now is not acceptable to me. I have a life too and I dont want to squander it sitting on a couch in a depressed haze waiting for change that will never come. It will be hard but I can do it and I feel more and more that this change is coming and will come.
Perhaps if I were to leave I could learn to forgive again. I love the words to the song I posted, because I want to embrace that forgiveness again but cant seem to anymore in the face of the constant rejection and rage that floods over me constantly in his presence. Its not fair to him or to me, and I know that I need the time to heal from the awful damage and try to reframe the relationship in such a way that is pleasing to God and therefore workable. If I can only see through the haze of past pain and move through it, it could be done. Please God may it be so...
My Christmas tree is still in its carton on my kitchen floor, my mantle is half decorated, and most of my Christmas cards will most likely have to be labled Valentine's Day cards....I have done nothing to improve the national economy, in otherwords no shopping. I have bought no gifts, and neither has Wood. Ive sung few carols, and watched no specials on TV...
There is little of Christmas in our house...
Ive sat for many hours thinking and prayed, poured over my business plan and with the notes on the discussions of the job with International. I have spent countless hours with Annabelle or the kitties and Woody. I have worked and worked at my job. I have wondered about the customs and the culture of Christmas, and what I have thought was important in years past.
I have come to understand that none of it matters
Family get togethers and not having them... its ok Participation in Christmas functions, I want to do this, but not doing it...its ok Giving gifts, great to do and I did get some stuff for the Angel Tree,but not having a huge gift list is OK
I am burned out mentally and wish that I could just run away for a few days...but I am chained to my desk, and my life here. The mental "unpacking" I have been doing is good I think..hey you cant dump out baggage of the mind unless you unpack it and choose to let it go. I had another moment of that tonight at the Candlelight service at the Methodist church. The group that will be leading the contemporary worship had their first outing. I really wanted to be a part of that. I have worked and spent the last year or so helping with the planning... My working nights and now leaving for Louisville eiminated my participation in any of it. I wasnt asked to join in at all, even at the Hospitality level. It hurt a bit.
Leading worship is a part of my past as well. I found myself defined by that ministry for nearly 7 years. I looked at the young women that were doing that tonight and thought a thought that I have often had... that this is a ministry for the young to the young of their generation and I need to give it up and pray for them and support them in every way that I can... but that wasnt what came out... What I felt was..
I could have been a part of this if I wasnt working nights... but I needed to work nights because it was the best way to deal with my situation at home and my situation at home would be wonderful if Woody would just be a husband and let me be a wife to him. Why do I have to give up MY LIFE and do everything so his life just stays wonderful and comfortable and...He gets to retire... I get to support him and after 25 years of this he dies leaves me a pauper and says "I dont care about it, I will be dead after all..." Such love leaves me speechless.
Im doing the business because I cant stay at thisplace. I will one day be obsolete there and I will have to give that up...What value does a desk job give you. A business can be sold for a profit in addition to the money you earn from it. But why must I be concerned about such things when it is the husbands place to do that...I look at these people and their happy lives everything in order... my life is so out of order that people would recoil if they knew what my heart is like.
I cant stay at thisplace as it is full of men who are ripe for the picking and one day I may pull an Eve and pick some poison fruit.
I am running away from home and using my half of our net worth to do it. Woody said to me he wants a share in the business. I know that it will end up like Azure Seas. He will get into it and throw his weight around and I will end up losing it like I lost my store... with my name on the loans...
I want to kick myself.. If I only had a family... If I could turn back the clock.. .
None of this is productive, but my heart is full of it, of anger and I can perhaps unpack it to the priest when I have to make my full confession in March. I have no one that can talk to about it. I have tried to talk to Woody. He is sorry "that I am so sad... but he cant change anything now..." OK the situation is what it is... I am chained to it and the shackle that chains me to it has rubbed a raw wound into my spirit and it has festered and is bleeding to the point now that I fear that I will never recover.
He doesnt care... no one around me cares and life just goes on...
I ask "Where is Christmas?"
I am not alone in the asking. So many of the people that I know are just weary to the pits of their souls. A friend is spending his last Christmas with his family. His wife filed for divorce and they will tell the children after the holiday. My neighbor is so overwelmed with depression and just the feeling of disconnect that she cant pull together a holiday spirit. The sad thing is that we are all Christians and this should be the most joyous time of year. It seems to be insted a time of dread and discomfort. The expectations have gotten too high and let down is starting sometime before Thanksgiving
At the risk of being sooooo gloomy. The weather is beautiful and I am glad to be alive. I wish that there were a better way for me. Nothing about my life is ever simple. I knew that once we left Hawaii and started living a "normal" life that these things would surface and we would have to deal with them. I just never realized that I would be the one wrestling alone.
It is past midnight Dec 24 and I am watching a short version of a Benediction, where the priest chants the Litany of the Sacred Heart...my favorite title in the prayer is..."Heart of Jesus, Burning Furnace of Charity" I know that right now I am deep in that burning furnace, being prepared for a future holiness that is beyond me.. truly that will be the greatest Christmas gift that I have ever received beyond my salvation. I need to keep trusting and as Pastor David said tonight...Try to let go of these things of the past that hold you down...I am trying to do that and move beyond the suffering... and in doing so find Christmas anew, and find the joy of My Lord once more.
Let's Have A Picnic, Tanyard Creek Park Bella Vista Arkansas
Its officially the end of summer, here in the Ozarks. Kids have been back to school now for several weeks and there is the occasional cooler day. The leaves have started to turn and the rain comes a touch more frequently...I am glad to see it. It has not been an easy summer for me, filled with change and some uncertainty as Woody and I try to mend a few fences...
For him, he feels like we have come a long way. We "share" the bills and he feels, the responsibilities. That has been true in many respects and others...well, the house is a shambles ( a friend from California originally called her home a "wreck in the clearing stages" for those of you familiar with the terms used regarding the freeways in CAli-speak you know what that means...describes our home to a Tee)Not much help there.With the advent of Annabelle, I have less time to devote to anything else as she does require more attention that I thought that she would.Woody has been great about assisting with her care, but to me falls the bulk of it, and at times it is a touch overwelming
For me life is more difficult. The Mid Life Crisis vehicle sits in the drivewy day in and out (Woody drives the 10 year old beat up Avalon more than the snazzy Crossfire. The perversity of males is beyond me)and is a reminder of the huge lie he told me and the whole money thing in general.That purchase, which he hid from me for a month, is as bad as cheating with another woman as far as I am concerned...The separate lives... The separate bedrooms, the monthly bill for the new beds and the cartons that continue to sit un sorted and piled in my room are a testiment to me of the compleate and utter failure of our relationship. To wounds that will not heal and that I will be alone... in truth... forever. A great man once said that "True lonliness is a permanant condition, one is born alone and dies alone..." He was speaking of inner lonliness...for me the outer is just as painful and devestating. I dont know how to fix it. I just know that I have to continue to keep moving forward on my journey, regardless of what he does
In this summer of change there have been good things, the two retreats with John Michale Talbot were enlightening and opened my mind to new thinking both faith wise and daily living wise. I have started to really take a hard look at how I live. Do I put God first in all that I think say or do? Do I make the best use of my resources? Do I live for the Kingdom or just for myself? This has caused me to think twice about doing some things that might have been fun and given me pleasure, but in the long run were they worth the price both financially and otherwise.
Am I obedient to God? Do I really understand what I believe today and where am I at in this process of life. To that end I have begun studying privately with a tutor and preparing to enter the Catholic Church. I know that a lot of my friends wont understand and perhaps will have harsh words for me, but I see it as a path that I must take... When asked by a friend "Why be Catholic?" I ask "Why Not?" "If someone offered you "More" of Jesus would you not want that? I do. I see it as a "adding to" not taking away from anything that I am or am involved in. I will not be changing church affiliations nor giving up going to church with Woody to the Methodist church we are attending together. I hope to continue to be involved with developing the new contemporary service they are working on.
I find my "classes" facinating. I have a wonderful tutor who has his PHd, but I have been able to stump him a few times, and he said at our last meeting that this setting was the right one for me as I have had a wonderful formation as a Christian, and know the Bible as well as he did, perhaps better in some areas, but I do not "think" like a Catholic. For example, Protestant theology is based in reason, as it was born out of the Enlightenment period of human history... " To read is to understand." While Catholics are taught based on Augustine's priciple "To believe is to understand" in other words, faith first, then reason. There is a lot more that I could write about, but suffice it to say, I study the materiels for the RCIA (rites of Christian Initation for Adults)then we meet during the day for an hour or so and go at it on such questions as "Why did God create the world?" "What was most important, Jesus message or His death?" "Did Jesus know his whole life that he had to die, or only at the last?" "Did Jesus know everything or did he have to learn everything like we do, and did he learn as he went along teaching and preaching?" These topics are on topic but way ahead of the other 40 or so people taking this class. My tutor said that I would have been bored stiff.
I have been a part of churches that teach the Bible at the Semanary level, but we women were told that even if we were able to learn like the men that really would be the end of it. Here both in the Methodist Church and in the Catholic Church, Women teaching and learning along with the men is entirely acceptable. In fact women can do any non ordained function (they cant be priests or deacons)in the Catholic church but are allowed to teach at all other levels and there are a number of Lay Ministers that are well known nationally. In the Methodist Church 20-25 percent of the ordained clergy are women. I feel like I am now in churches where my talents and knowledge are appreciated. I also feel that once I am done with this nearly year long process, I will be better prepared to teach if I am called upon to do so in the future. And I see that comming.
Then there is Annabelle. My little bundle of fuzz has more engergy than the Energizer Bunny and is a slave driver on our walks together. Her personality is forming... in otherwards she is getting willful and demanding. I have found that scruffing her slows that down and bathing her has an extrodinary effect on her attitude. She is reduced to a guniea pig sized little creature that only wants love. She gets that in full measure. I spend a lot of my morning hours with her and try to have part of that time be lap time where she is brushed and handled and told over and over how pretty she is. She still wants things her way all the way but we are finding a middle path and I see this working out really well.
The kitties are getting used to her and this weekend we were able to let everyone be together, supervised of course. We let the cats set the pace, and try to keep Annabelle from barking chasing and otherwise creating a hostile enviroment for the feline members of the household. I know that eventually there will be an altercation, but hopefully all will be well once the pecking order is established
The evening is cooler and a thunderstorm has rolled through bringing even more releif to this parched and heat weary land. I love every season here and have enjoyed the summer very much, however I have looked forward to the end of the season and the fall colors with great anticipation. The end of the summer is the beginning of Autumn and a new season. I pray for the new things in my life and for the healing of the old, and for a new day after the twilight of the old.
Fire from the center of the Earth A "toe" of Pahoehoe (smooth) lava reaching out to the sea HVO Photo
I have come to love the worship leader/ Missionary-intercessor, Ritchy Clark. His Podcast "Radiant Worship" is 10 minutes of "lo-fi" spontaneous prophetic praise and worship. His voice is not smooth perfection, it is more like Sting and The Police doing worship, but I love its intense honesty, and lyrically the songs are haunting, unpolished prose poetry, filled with powerful images.
Please pray for Richy and his wife Jessica, who is trying to hang on to her baby girl, who is trying to be born three months early. They lost twin sons three years ago in a premature birthing, so this is a continued tragedy for them.
For this "Love Day" I want to get beyond what is expected and touch on a different passion. The love of God for us, and how it can be as consuming as any romance. This is a loose and somewhat shortened transcription of his podcast 126 The Fire of Your Love
Burn me God With the fire of Your love I want to feel Only Your holy love
Consume me God With the fire of Your Love Burn me With the Fire of Heaven
Holy Fire I am waiting here...
I am waiting here, for this fire I am staying here, for this fire I am praying here, for for Your fire ...of Your love
I want to be changed, by the fire rearranged by the fire of your love Renamed by the fire Reclaimed by the fire of your love
Rain down the Fire till Im unrecognized Rain down the fire till I am purified Rain down on me till all men can see Rain down till all men are free
Rain down the fire the fire of Your love...
In my bones In my soul Let the Fire take control In our homes Throughout the land Lift us up with Your right hand In the churches and the schools make Your holy law the rule Rule every action in our days for You alone are worthy of our praise!
You are worthy Lord So worthy of our praise!
Send it down Send down the fire of your love on the humble ones on the broken ones on the desprate ones on the little ones daughters and sons Your children...
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