March 31, 2009

Burn The Ships

Sloop at Anchor, near Cape San Blas, Florida

In the spring of 1519
a Spanish fleet set sail
Cortez told his sailors
this mission must not fail
On the eastern shore of Mexico
they landed with great dreams
But the hardships of the new world
made them restless and weak
Quietly they whispered,
"Let's sail back to the life we knew"
But the one who led them there was saying


Burn the ships, we're here to stay
There's no way we could go back
Now that we've come this far by faith
Burn the ships,
we've passed the point of no return
Our life is here
So let the ships burn

In the spring of new beginnings
a searching heart set sail
Looking for a new life
and a love that would not fail
On the shores of grace and mercy
we landed with great joy
But an enemy was waiting
to steal, kill, and destroy
Quietly he whispers,
"Go back to the life you know"
But the one who led us here is saying

Burn the ships, we're here to stay
There's no way we could go back
Now that we've come this far by faith
Burn the ships,
we've passed the point of no return
Our life is here
So let the ships burn


Nobody said it would be easy
But the one who brought us here
Is never gonna leave us alone

Burn the ships,
we're here to stay
There's no way we could go back
Now that we've come this far by faith
Burn the ships,
we've passed the point of no return
Our life is here
So let the ships burn

Steven Curtis Chapman

It is with great regret that the staff-parish relations committee notifies this congregation that Rev David F.... will be transfered to a new parish in Pine Bluff AR effective July 1 and Pastor Sarah________, an elder and District Superintendent and her retired husband will be transferred here to pastor this church in Bella Vista...

With the lady's words the last little threads of my mooring's here in NW Arkansas were hacked away and I am now adrift in the seas of life... My three reasons for returning here from Louisville, were to open or deal with the business situation, to finish my relationship with Woody and tie up those loose ends, and to return to a church that I have come to love

Its not just that my beloved pastor and his wife and son whom I adore are being sent all the way across the state, but they are sending a retirement aged woman to replace him... and I fear ... condemning the new work we have begun to a slow painful death. Nothing on the new pastor, I don't know her, I cant make an assumption about what she will or wont do. I am certain of one thing, We really need a young family man, full of energy and enthusiasm at the helm. Someone like David, with a vested interest in continuing the course already laid out, for the sake of his own children. Not a retiree interested in golf rounds and daytime events that the working people cant participate in... And true to form, the stereotype of Bella Vista being only a retirement community has won out and this church will be the loser. Twenty years ago, there were only Seniors here. Now Bella Vista is home to the most populous grade school in the state of Arkansas,over 500 children and it only goes to the four grade! In one year of starting a Contemporary service, we have gone from 4 kids to fifty kids and we are having our first confirmation class...150 people in Contemporary worship from zero a year ago...

This is important to me because I have been a part of this work from its inception nearly four years ago, and have nourished it prayed and been a part of it all along. There has not been time to raise up a new leader, or train people to come along side, we don't have enough people to fill all of the positions anyway, typical of a new work in any church.

Our Worship leader left us a month ago, to pursue a job in Cleveland, that left a place for me to sing on Sunday's and that has been wonderful... It was my hope to become even more involved. While my quest to become a Roman Catholic is on hold for now, I was very willing to invest myself in this congregation...

The United Methodist Church ordains women. I don't have a problem with that. I don't have a problem with women marrying, burying, teaching at various levels, being an assisting pastor or pastor in charge of youth, music or seniors. We have a lovely Senior lady, a retired pastor that has been great for our church and a big help for our pastor, as she supervises the Children's ministry and does visitation.

But I do have a problem with having a woman as a Senior Pastor, in the primary leadership role. It is not Biblical, and it is not found in Tradition. It is not something that I can go along with. Its is a cruel blow to me, as it will effectively end my relationship with the church, and that finishes off any support system that I have in the area. It kills me.

I have spent my last 24 hours in a sort of numb shock...right after service yesterday I came home and Woody met me and we took Abigal out to Oklahoma to the Breeders where she is going to be with her Mum and sibs for at least a month to gain maturity and to work on house manners. While driving Woody and I talked about his future. He will probably be returning to the West Coast once our home has sold, regardless of our marital status. If he does this I am going to ask him to file for a divorce in CA, which will be easier to get, and less hastle

More endings, more reasons to look elsewhere to settle. I have no job, I do not own this house and likely I wont because I am spending the down payment. I have no family here, and no social life, and now no church.

There are a lot of churches here and Im sure I could find one very easily that I would fit into. I would look specifically for ministry to my age group and single adults. It also needs to be close.

One church that comes to mind is Gracepoint Church dot com I have some familiarity with this body, friends go there and I visited with their Pastor a few weeks ago when I was feeling low down. When Walmart sacked all of those people a few weeks ago, they brainstormed and set up a ongoing ministry called HOPE - NWA I am going there tonight to the monthly meeting for HOPE-NWA. Maybe I can get some help on finding a job.

March 31

What a difference a day makes. I considered erasing this whole post because of the meeting I had today with Pastor David. With out saying anything to him about why I wanted to meet with him, he laid out the reasons why the Conference Board made this decision. This move will affect a number of churches and by moving David, it will facilitate the moving of another man that really needs to move to a body that has been having a really hard time. It makes sense to a degree when he explains it. But it doesnt lessen the pain or the fact that when he is not there, the energy level drops to zero in that building. I am scared and in this hour of disruption and pain in my life this was the LAST thing I needed.

While he served me coffee, another thing about him, his graciousness as a host and a servant-leader...I had a chance to meet Pastor Sarah... boy that is alien on my toungue. I saw a photo...I wouldnt have guessed this lady was 62 by the look of her... David had a letter she had written to him...beautiful in wording, almost a poem,...He said he'd give a lot to be able to write like that. He had a message on his phone that Sarah left, she seemed so loving and kind, knowing that this is a brutal separation, a certainly unexpected one... encouraging him. I really liked that. It told me a lot about her.

I was assured that she cares about the work, that she has the energy to maintain the level of passion necessary to push us to the next level. Many people who have been around awhile know her already and love her.

I felt a bit reduced. I had prejudged Sarah in a lot of areas. But nothing said changed the theological truth about a woman as a seinor pastor. David asked me to consider all of the reasons why Methodism allows this practice.Even joking with me that this posting had really allowed him to get in touch with his "feminine side", and that I had sat under a man who "wore a dress" every sunday for four years... an allusion to the clerical gown and the european style cassock he wore early on that he gave up due to peer pressure about the roman collar atached to it... "Be all things to all men, he said quoting Paul... All of those reasons, to me, allow for ministry but negate the Pauline injunctions about headship. Only in extreemis shoud a woman be in charge like this. Maybe there is no one else... we never got to that point...

Without asking me to stay on, he did ask me to stay on, but pointing out the changes that are about to occur in the Team, let alone this move... and that if I wanted to honor him, would I be willing to be there to see that the work we have begun be lasting and effective...to endure. I have found that thought to be compelling.

The loss of my friend is really painful. This is the first person I have met in many years that just connected at points that seemed just amazing to me. He wasnt afraid to reach out to me and to take an intrest in my life. Carla his wife and his son always were inclusive and I felt connected to them... They changed my feelings about church, and about Pastors, and pastor's families. I had a chance to really see into a mans life that has helped me make choices regarding abandoning my unhealthy marriage and being open to a healthy relationship in the future. He didnt always understand, but accepts my faith journey as it comes, helping me to do the same. And, as a Wounded Healer, he has encouraged me to continue to seek healing in my own life. Its huge....

He stated a fact, the church is not the pastor. I come from a place (Calvary Chapel) where that view is the opposite. Certainly the Catholic Church doesnt support this view, and one of the reasons the Methodist church moves its pastors around is exactly this reason. I need to change my heart attutde, and not be so angry and upset... I saw all of these people today in the office that I would miss terribly if I left, compounding my losses even more, adding grief upon grief...

I gave serious consideration that I might follow David and Carla to Pine Bluff. If there was a position in the church, or there were jobs I would certainly consider it. My hero in the faith Anne Hutchinson followed the Puritan teacher, John Cotton to the new world... I know people in the Calvary Chapels that followed pastors from location to location... but truthfully today, I realized that this is not God's plan for me. I looked into his face as we had coffee, I saw pain and weariness that my anxiety didnt help... and I realized that the ultimate way I can be a friend is to let go, be strong and to what I can to help make the transition smooth, and be available and supportive.

I do need to Burn the Ships. the ships of the Past. I asked God to teach me to trust Him, with every blow, every loss and every day of accute insecurity, I can only draw closer to Him, and not cling to anyone or anything. I need to trust in God's will and not be overly upset and anxious about anything that happens.

After today I am looking forward to meeting this lady, I may not agree with the politics of the denomination, or how this comes about. But God knows that, and He will lead me on, there is no turning back.

Labels: Catholic, Faith, Ministry, Personal Growth, UMC

December 26, 2008

Twas The Day After Christmas...

Frozen Leaves Bella Vista AR

... And all through the house
not a creature was stiring
they all were worn out,
From hustle and bustle
and holiday fetes
the bessing of serving
the sweet Christmas treats!
At gatherings large
and small parties few
Christmas was glorious
I hope for you too

I did have a wonderful Christmas Eve ad Christmas Day. Christmas Eve was spent at the church where we held a noon "Mid day at the Manger" service with Communion served. Afterwards the church provided a light lunch of soup cornbread and salad. Many of the attendees were shut ins that dont normally make it out for church on sunday. They watch the service on TV on sunday mornings and a group from the church make regular visitation to them...

I found myself acting as the maid of all work... what ever needed to be done count me in. This time of year so many of the "worker bees" go off to be with children and grandchildren, so those with no family have the responsibility and priveledge to be there and help out. It was what I wanted to do rather than sit home and open one more box

I so enjoyed it. I ran home and walked Annabelle in the warm sunshine. Later in the afternoon was a Contemporary service with lots for the kids and more recently written carols. This is my gig and I love Contemporary worship, but I felt like there was a lot lacking in the presentation... I am a critic but I think it was well received...maybe it was all of the cookies for the kids, both big and small.... Woody came to this service and I sat with him. I was glad that he came and was a part of things. I have been worried about him during this festive season

Woody left the church and I stayed on and participated in the more formal evening service and even served Communion. (I wonder how many years more I will spend in Purgatory for doing that ... we'll find out. ) I so enjoyed doing that for the first time. I went home at 9 pm totally fufilled and happy

Christmas Day I was up early for my own devotions and to get my litlle furbaby out for her walk. Our neighborhood is fairly large with lots of streets to explore. So we have a large area to walk in.

Then it was off to church where the Pastor and his family hosted a ham dinner and pot luck. I helped prepare the meal and clean up along with the pastors wife and son. I really felt like I was a part of something and it made me really happy to give back to a church that has given me so much...

Woody came over for dinner later that evening and was we talked and exchanged gifts I realized that I had returned to a familiar place. Before Woody I spent my holiday's serving at church and yesterday I felt many of the same positive feelings that I did then, but a slew of new ones. I was reminded as I was serving communion...that it is better to be a door keepr in God's House than to be in the company of the in crowd... Psalm 84:10 my translation....

Labels: Church, Faith, Health, Ministry

September 12, 2008

Walking in First Things

Kentucky Sunrise over Indian Springs Louisville Kentucky

Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.

Follow your bliss and doors will open where there were no doors before.

When you follow your bliss... doors will open where you would not have thought there would be doors, and where there wouldn't be a door for anyone else.

Joseph Campbell

"Things are going really well here, we connect well as a quartet and I really need a strong presence at Beargrass to sort of strengthen the group, and expose them to a presence like yourself... What do you think?"
The young worship leader at Watkins is a very sincere and intense young man, and not a vague flatterer. I thought about opportunity for a moment, the fact that it would mean a very long time for Annabelle to be in her crate and the long morning on my feet and ...

"Sure", I said, "Where and when?"

I have been convinced over and over that the deeper meaning of this time in Louisville was not just to learn the finer points of soldering precious metals together, but finding myself and finding the truth within, going to the source of my inner self and trying to be honest with myself...figure out when and where I went wrong...where my life got so out of order that I look in the mirror and cannot believe what I see there. Not me but someone that is not herself.

While I like Dr Campbell (his position of faith not withstanding) and these quotes are better known, it was Pastor Garry Ansdell of Hosanna Chapel who said over and over that "If you find yourself off track with God, go back to the last time you were truly in line with God's will and seek out where you went wrong...often that was the last time you were truly happy..."

Well, I know he was right. I have known the exact date I went off track for a long time. Being alone here has confirmed it, and for the last six months I have pursued enlightenment from the Scriptures and from other sources to sort out the troubles in my marriage and my life. I am convinced that the day Woody and I married was the beginning of the downturn in my life. This doesnt mean that being married was the only thing that caused my pain. I am always responsible for my response to every situation. However, human I am and the chronic rejection and lack of communication has left me feeling isolated, unwanted and in pain. The resulting anger at a situation that I felt I couldnt control or get out of was more and more out of control and dangerous to me as I repressed my feelings more and more.

One of the things that has made this worse is that I feel so alone. Today in my counseling session, my therapist told me something that he hadnt said before...that he heard the pain... the thirteen years of pain and loss. Losses that cannot be restored or compensated for in this life. The constant flow of rejection of myself and of the basic ideal of marriage/relationship... its worn me down...

years ago while I was struggling with my autoimmune problems I developed issues with chronic pain. My serotonin levels were so depleted that I was cranky and in pain all of the time. I was worn down, and depressed ... a low dose SSRI and a once daily OTC pain med did the trick. It was a little fix that change my whole out look on life

I wish that I had as easy a solution for this pain I am in now in, but there isn't one. A few weeks ago I realized this and really truly gave up. I know that I made vows to God and to Woody, but I dont have the strength anymore to hold up my end of the bargain. I have failed in community living with my husband, and in forgiveness... and I am not ready to ask God for forgiveness even yet...

But God is merciful and He heard my hearts cry. I felt lifted up like a weight had been lifted off and free to explore the next phase of my life

Within a week I was raised up and lead worship for the first time in 12 years. Imagine loving something that you know you were born to do but had no venue or way to do it. This isnt something you can just do. Someone at a church needs to have the conviction that God wants you to do this then asks/appoints you to do it. A lot of things need to just fall into place. It hadnt at FUMCBV and not for want of trying. A lot of people wanted me to be more deeply involved and I wanted to as well. It was mostly my job that kept me from rehearsal and devoting myself to it. But my own reticence to put myself out there for fear of being "found out" was mainly to blame ... a hypocrite is always found out. Once I was honest with myself,ie" I cant hold on to this relationship anymore and fake it by living with Woody..." I feel like I had returned to the point of being at peace and of being within the will of God... I know that its strange and likely doesnt make a bit of sense, but its how I feel thing are.

Then last week, being asked to sing at Beargrass Church and the wonderful reception I received there. The feeling of peace about landing where even I am going to land with regards to my future housing situation... and today the sense that perhaps I am on to a means of releasing the pain and anxiety of years of suffering and grief... I am amazed.

This opportunity to serve in God's house and feeling free of burdens too big to carry is indicative to me that I am walking in "first things". There is a joy in this journey that has suddenly come forth, like the sun coming out from behind a cloud.

None of this means that anything is resolved, quite the opposite. I have a load of work to do before I leave here and go back to NWA. But I am taking the time this week to focus on the losses and make a list for Mark and I to work on, and doing some tourist stuff. Fun stuff. Its going to be wet and rainy this weekend I can do my business plan then. I have been informed by the state of Arkansas that my permits are approved, so as soon as Woody can get the documents to me I can start to get bids on the tools and set up for my bench so I can start WORKING once I go home... I am so looking forward to that

Labels: Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Marriage, Ministry, Praise and Worship, Woody

August 17, 2008

Psalm 84 ~ A Day In Your House Is Better Than a Thousand Elsewhere

Warming up the Worship Community of Watkins United Methodist Church, Springhurst Village Louisville Kentucky

Psalm 84

How lovely is your dwelling place,
O Lord of hosts!
My soul longs, yes, faints
for the courts of the Lord;
my heart and flesh sing for joy
to the living God.

Even the sparrow finds a home,
and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may lay her young,
at your altars, O Lord of hosts,
my King and my God.
Blessed are those who dwell in your house,
ever singing your praise! Selah

Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
in whose heart are the highways to Zion. [fn2]
As they go through the Valley of Baca
they make it a place of springs;
the early rain also covers it with pools.
They go from strength to strength;
each one appears before God in Zion.

O Lord God of hosts, hear my prayer;
give ear, O God of Jacob! Selah
Behold our shield, O God;
look on the face of your anointed!

For a day in your courts is better
than a thousand elsewhere.
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of wickedness.
For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
the Lord bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does he withhold
from those who walk uprightly.
O Lord of hosts,
blessed is the one who trusts in you!

In praise and thanks to God for His Blessing of ministry to others
in raising me up to serve in the worship misnistry for the first time
in nearly 10 years today.

Labels: Kentucky, Ministry, Praise and Worship, scripture