September 12, 2008

Walking in First Things

Kentucky Sunrise over Indian Springs Louisville Kentucky

Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.

Follow your bliss and doors will open where there were no doors before.

When you follow your bliss... doors will open where you would not have thought there would be doors, and where there wouldn't be a door for anyone else.

Joseph Campbell

"Things are going really well here, we connect well as a quartet and I really need a strong presence at Beargrass to sort of strengthen the group, and expose them to a presence like yourself... What do you think?"
The young worship leader at Watkins is a very sincere and intense young man, and not a vague flatterer. I thought about opportunity for a moment, the fact that it would mean a very long time for Annabelle to be in her crate and the long morning on my feet and ...

"Sure", I said, "Where and when?"

I have been convinced over and over that the deeper meaning of this time in Louisville was not just to learn the finer points of soldering precious metals together, but finding myself and finding the truth within, going to the source of my inner self and trying to be honest with myself...figure out when and where I went wrong...where my life got so out of order that I look in the mirror and cannot believe what I see there. Not me but someone that is not herself.

While I like Dr Campbell (his position of faith not withstanding) and these quotes are better known, it was Pastor Garry Ansdell of Hosanna Chapel who said over and over that "If you find yourself off track with God, go back to the last time you were truly in line with God's will and seek out where you went wrong...often that was the last time you were truly happy..."

Well, I know he was right. I have known the exact date I went off track for a long time. Being alone here has confirmed it, and for the last six months I have pursued enlightenment from the Scriptures and from other sources to sort out the troubles in my marriage and my life. I am convinced that the day Woody and I married was the beginning of the downturn in my life. This doesnt mean that being married was the only thing that caused my pain. I am always responsible for my response to every situation. However, human I am and the chronic rejection and lack of communication has left me feeling isolated, unwanted and in pain. The resulting anger at a situation that I felt I couldnt control or get out of was more and more out of control and dangerous to me as I repressed my feelings more and more.

One of the things that has made this worse is that I feel so alone. Today in my counseling session, my therapist told me something that he hadnt said before...that he heard the pain... the thirteen years of pain and loss. Losses that cannot be restored or compensated for in this life. The constant flow of rejection of myself and of the basic ideal of marriage/relationship... its worn me down...

years ago while I was struggling with my autoimmune problems I developed issues with chronic pain. My serotonin levels were so depleted that I was cranky and in pain all of the time. I was worn down, and depressed ... a low dose SSRI and a once daily OTC pain med did the trick. It was a little fix that change my whole out look on life

I wish that I had as easy a solution for this pain I am in now in, but there isn't one. A few weeks ago I realized this and really truly gave up. I know that I made vows to God and to Woody, but I dont have the strength anymore to hold up my end of the bargain. I have failed in community living with my husband, and in forgiveness... and I am not ready to ask God for forgiveness even yet...

But God is merciful and He heard my hearts cry. I felt lifted up like a weight had been lifted off and free to explore the next phase of my life

Within a week I was raised up and lead worship for the first time in 12 years. Imagine loving something that you know you were born to do but had no venue or way to do it. This isnt something you can just do. Someone at a church needs to have the conviction that God wants you to do this then asks/appoints you to do it. A lot of things need to just fall into place. It hadnt at FUMCBV and not for want of trying. A lot of people wanted me to be more deeply involved and I wanted to as well. It was mostly my job that kept me from rehearsal and devoting myself to it. But my own reticence to put myself out there for fear of being "found out" was mainly to blame ... a hypocrite is always found out. Once I was honest with myself,ie" I cant hold on to this relationship anymore and fake it by living with Woody..." I feel like I had returned to the point of being at peace and of being within the will of God... I know that its strange and likely doesnt make a bit of sense, but its how I feel thing are.

Then last week, being asked to sing at Beargrass Church and the wonderful reception I received there. The feeling of peace about landing where even I am going to land with regards to my future housing situation... and today the sense that perhaps I am on to a means of releasing the pain and anxiety of years of suffering and grief... I am amazed.

This opportunity to serve in God's house and feeling free of burdens too big to carry is indicative to me that I am walking in "first things". There is a joy in this journey that has suddenly come forth, like the sun coming out from behind a cloud.

None of this means that anything is resolved, quite the opposite. I have a load of work to do before I leave here and go back to NWA. But I am taking the time this week to focus on the losses and make a list for Mark and I to work on, and doing some tourist stuff. Fun stuff. Its going to be wet and rainy this weekend I can do my business plan then. I have been informed by the state of Arkansas that my permits are approved, so as soon as Woody can get the documents to me I can start to get bids on the tools and set up for my bench so I can start WORKING once I go home... I am so looking forward to that

Labels: Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Marriage, Ministry, Praise and Worship, Woody