April 02, 2010

"Amazing Love"... a song for Good Friday

The Crucifix outside the Shrine of Monte Cassino, St Meinrads Archabbey Indiana

Enjoy this musical meditation on our Lords Passion and Love for us...


http://www.bing.com/videos/watch/video/chris-tomlin-amazing-love/28ba58ebba1b79a209ac28ba58ebba1b79a209ac-1713253253722



Amazing Love

I’m forgiven because You were forsaken,
I’m accepted, You were condemned.
I am alive and well, Your spirit is within me,
Because You died and rose again.


Amazing love,
How can it be
That You, my King, should die for me?
Amazing love,
I know it’s true.
It’s my joy to honor You,
In all I do, I honor You.


You are my King
Jesus You are my King
You are my King
Jesus You are my King
You are my King
Jesus You are my King

Amazing love,
How can it be
That You, my King, should die for me?
Amazing love,
I know it’s true.
It’s my joy to honor You,
In all I do, I honor You.


You are my King
You are my King
You are my King



Chris Tomlin

Labels: Church, IN, Praise and Worship, YouTube

January 01, 2010

We’ll Take A Cup Of Kindness Yet

Snowy Pasture Benton County Arkansas

Post completed 1-3-09

"Your life has taken many a difficult turn, but now a year later, you have come through, you have stood the test, have kept the faith. Your life is now a blank canvas, ready for The Lord and you...YOU (as she gently poked me with her finger)To create a new picture... to paint a new vision... Dont let ANYONE else paint on it..."


Sandy Andrews, on the feast of All Saints, when she returned to FUMCBV to remember the life of her departed husband Dr. Ed Andrews nearly one year after his death

Its a..
A New Day
A New Week
A New Month
A New Year
A New Decade

Like the Magi, we have discovered a star—a light and guide in the sky of our soul. “We have seen his star in the east and have come to worship him.” We have had the same experience. We too noticed a new light shining in our soul and growing increasingly brighter. It was a desire to live a fully Christian life, a keenness to take God seriously.

- St. Josemaria Escriva

I am out of a job and am a lady of leasure as of yesterday at 4 pm. I was ready to go. It wasnt a surprise. I made a decision that people were more important than production, names and stories rather than numbers and production. My stats went down and the decision to retain was in the end made just by the numbers. Im ok with that. I am afraid a little but I know God is with me and will provide for my needs

I have made a decision that I will be true to my God and his principles, True to my faith and the principles of the Church, and perhaps most importantly and as part and parcel to that which has proceeded... I will be true to myself, my needs, my feelings and my values... To have stayed on "top" at Walmart.com, meant I would have had to cheat, cut corners and ultimately sell out to the machine. I couldnt do that. My young up and coming boss was fired three weeks ago for fudging the numbers for the team...the others will be found out. I got a glowing letter of reccomendation and direction on how to find jobs with walmart. I will be working that job board heavily in the comming days

I also interviewed at a local trucking company. It was a three hour interview with a man who had been "meaning" to call me. I find the timing facinating... Its about as far away as any place I have interviewed so far... the only carrier futher away is CTI up in Joplin, but that cannot be a consideration...The manditory 45-50 hour work week cant be a consideration. Abigail locked in a cage day in and out cant be a consideration. I have to work. If the job is a success I will move closer to the terminal... which means not being so stuck on this house that I buy it and be locked in...everything is subject to re evaluation

I have come to some major decisions Nothing that was important before matters in 2010. Everything is up for grabs and for reconsideration...This includes relationships, prior commitments, and agreements. Nothing is going to be left "as it was" I cant afford that anymore.

First and foremost...Who or what is King in my life, and if Jesus is King in my life, and I have seen His star before me..the "Hokulea" the Star of Gladness, how committed am I to following that Star?... I was challenged both in a AA meeting I attended New Years Day and listening to Charles Stanley last night, that its not about the miricle of sobriety or just faith...you have to live it out,... accept the gift of salvation and releationship with God, but you have to do it, and that requires trust and obedience... As Dr. Stanley said, "How can you have relationship with someone you dont trust, you arent honest with, and are in rebellion to?" The answer is you cant be. My life with Woody was filled with these negative things. We had no trust, no transparency and because of the lack of love and understanding it made it impossible to not "rebel" so to speak against the other. I know he balked at anything and subtilely sabataged my efforts at a sober life and I found myself cursing him in my heart constantly as his lack of care of any part of our life together sucked the very will to live from my being. I found myself less and less willing to try to trust God because it seemed like I prayed and prayed for good and light as my heart grew darker and darker

The same with sobriety...Im pretty proud of the fact that I have now 21 years of sobriety but..have I been living a sober life? Its more than giving up the bottle, the condom, and the straw... Its living out The Steps, Traditions and Concepts which I havent done. I have tried to hold it together through sheer force of will, and as that crumbled, I found myself addicted to "love" and "hate" I fell in love with a man I can never have, just thinking about him gave me a buzz, and my daily cursing of Woody fueled a rage that became an addiction as strong as crack...Both of them are like crack really and just as lethal.

I am done with all of that. Woody has failed to contact me since he was here in November. We are done. I thought we could be friends but he wants to go his own way and the frustration of seeing him drink himself to death is not something I need in my life. If you are reading this farewell, I miss the you I used to know, not what you have turned into.

Mr. Wonderful left this area because of a job transfere last year. We have talked a few times but again nothing for a long time. He has moved on. For all of our sakes I need to move on as well. Let him go. I hear about how his family is doing though others he is in closer contact with, and its like a knife twist that I dont see him, yet we both know this would be a very bad idea...The emotions are fading and this makes me sad too. Farewell, my friend, have a wonderful life, you have earned it and deserve it. Thank you for being there for me when no one else was


Knowing him has been a bond with life, and a catalyst for change in my manner of living . He has a beautiful life, and in no way would I ever want to disrupt that. I need to be happy for the good times and have no regrets...

Lest you think this is about beating poor Hoku up, let me ease your mind. This will be the last said about any of this. I really am done with it all. There is a part of me that just wants to be free and I shall be. I have poured that New Years Cup of Kindness for myself as 2009 passed into 2010...as I listen to Christmas music even now Jan third and will likely leave my tree up till tax day cause I love it so.

I want to do things that will make me happy...even if they are hard or dont make sense to the rest of those around me. Its going to take a lot of work but its going to be worth it.

I believe in resolutions...goals more like... I have a few already thought up and mentally agreed upon for this year. They are:

Nothing is off the table with regards to what is best for Hoku...I have spent my whole life doing for others or what others thought was best for me. This year, in the face of great adversity I have tried to do what is best for me, and that will continue even if the costs rise in the interim...

I will pursue my faith...My faith is my primary vocation...and worship, how I worship, where I worship is very important. I currently minister in a church that is getting harder for me to be a part of. I will eventually have to decide if I continue there or withdraw completely in favor of either exclusivly attending the Catholic Church, or staying a hybrid and attending a evangelical church as well. I have a standing invitation to come to another body, a Disciples of Christ Church like Beargrass Church in Louisville where I attended while in Louisville. Sandy, the lady quoted above moved there after the death of her husband. That is if I feel the need for the teaching one gets in a protestant church, I might get plenty by utilizing the internet and books...I can also pray for change at FUMCBV, but right now there are enough difficulties that a move may be necessary even though I would miss my friends and leading worship terribly...

I will read 10 "Important" books. Not necessarily "classics" or "serious" works but I want to read books that will have a lasting effect on my thoughts and life.

Book 1 is in progress it is Jon Sweeny's "Almost Catholic". This book is for any person interested in Christian spiritual practices, not just Catholics or those that are in Catholic formation. Mr. Sweeney is High Church but not Catholic, his words say page after page things I have tried to say to those that are opposing my entering Holy Mother Church, that litugical practice frees us from the tyranny of the freedom to make our own way in the world spiritually and wondering if we are getting it right. I have experienced this first hand as I was run out of the ministry because I no long fit with the program... I watched a dear friend suffer at the hands of an abusive pastor because his worship leadership was not "cutting edge" enough..whatever that meant... You need structure and some foundation to build upon...

anyway those that read this blog please give me ideas, and list books at the end of this post that have impacted your life that you think would benefit me in my journey

I will file for bankruptcy, its no longer an option. I am being threatened with more than a lawsuit by a creditor right now. I will try to see a lawyer this week. Its not a matter either of pride or being a deadbeat. Its kinder to just get it overwith to everyone.

I will learn to crochet this year. I have a skein of yarn and a j hook and can chain stitch sort of already...

I will watch less tv and listen to more music, read more books and cruise Facebook less

I will be kind to myself.. I will say "I am worthwhile...I am worthwhile..." as many times as needed. I will never again visit the Walmart gun counter... I dont need to do that no matter who will be the first person to get that phone call...

I will be open to dating... I will be open to possibilities

Most of all... I will drink of the cup of kindness, weither given to me by friend or stranger, God or myself, and I will drink deeply and enjoy its fruits. I will also choose to pass that cup to all that I meet for God would have it so

Labels: AA, Catholic, Church, Faith, faith working, IN, Louisville, Praise and Worship, Relationships, Scenic Arkansas, Woody, working

December 25, 2009

A Christmas Prayer

Our Lady of Divine Providence Tile painting locaed in the cloisters of St. Meinred Archabbey, Indiana

A Christmas Prayer


Whom have we, Lord, like you
The Great One who became small, the Wakeful who slept,
The Pure One who was baptized, the Living One who died,
The King who abased himself to ensure honor for all.
Blessed is your honor!

St. Ephrem the Syrian

With a hattip to Father Stephen

Labels: Catholic, IN, Quotable Quotes, scripture

November 26, 2009

Thanks Be To God...A Thanksgiving Hymn

The Mighty Ohio River Overlook Indiana

For the fruits of His creation
Thanks be to God
For the gifts to every nations,
Thanks be to God
For the ploughing, sowing reaping
Silent growth while men are sleeping
Future needs in earth's safe keeping
Thanks be to God



Flying the Colors Bella Vista AR


In the just reward of labor
God's will is done
In the help we give our neighbor
God's will is done
In our world wide task of caring
For the hungry and desparing
In the harvests we are sharing
Gods will is done


Antique Quilts for sale Bentonville AR


For the harvests of His Spirit
Thanks be to God
For the good all men inherit
Thanks be to God
For the wonders that astound us
for the truths that still confound us
Most of all that love has found us
Thanks be to God

James Quinn SJ

From the "Shorter Morning and Evening Prayer"
a Psalter of the Liturgy of the Hours
Liturgical Press
Collegeville Minnesota



Bright Mums Bentonville AR

Labels: Catholic, IN, Thanksgiving

April 19, 2009

Prayer for Forgivness~ A Devotion for Divine Mercy Sunday

Devotional Garden the Shrine at Monte Cassino, St Meinrad, IN

The Prayer for Forgiveness

To You, O God
Fountain of Mercy
I come...a sinner
May You wash away my impurity

O Sun of Justice
give sight to the blind
O Eternal Healer
cure the wounded
O King of Kings
Restore the despoiled,
O Mediator of God and Man
reconcile the sinful
O Good Shepard
lead back the straying

O God
have pity on the wretched
show leniency to the guilty
bestow life upon the dead
reform the impious
and give the balm of grace
to the hard of heart

O merciful God
call back the one who flees
draw back the one who falls
lift up the one who falls
support the one who stands
and accompany the one who walks

Do not forget those who forget You
Do not desert those who desert You
Do not despise those who sin against You

For in sinning,
I have offended You, me God
I have harmed my neighbor
I have not even spared myself injury

I have sinned, O my God
against You, almighty Father
because of my weakness
against You... All knowing Son
because of my ignorance
against You,merciful Holy Spirit
because of my malice.

Thus have i offended You
most high Trinity

Woe to me, a pitiful soul
How many
how great
and how diverse
are the sins I have committed

I abandoned You, Lord
I question Your goodness
by yeailding to evil cravings
and weskening myself with harmful fears

By such things
I prefered to lose You
rather than abandonwhat I desired
to offend You
rather than face
what ought not to be feared

O my God
how much harm have I done
by wowrd and deed
and by sinning secretly,
openly and defiantly

therefore,
out of my weakness, I beg You
not to pay heed to my iniquity
but rather to Your immense goodness.

and I beg you mercifully to pardon
what I have done
granting me
sorrow for my past actions
and precaution in the future

Amen

Saint Thomas Aquinas

Labels: Catholic, IN, Poem, scripture

April 11, 2009

Humility and the Father's Love

Image of Our Lord on His Cross. The Shrine of Monte Cassino, St. Meinrad IN

Why did my Father give you power over me
Because he wanted me to get very close to you
to show you the depths of his love for you
not the distant love of a God
who sits on a throne in his heaven
and looks down on you on the earth

but the love of a Father
who longs to help you
to carry your burdens
to comfort and heal you
to give you every good gift
He wants to come to your homes
and to sit with you at your meals
as one of the family
He wants to walk with you
as a beloved friend
He could not do that himself
and so he sent me
His only Son
to make His love known to you

I could take on your weakness
and then act out my Father's name
which is Love
Can you truly imagine the love of God
Can you understand the depth
of your Father's love for you?

The Father sent me to
show you His love
and to act it out among you
to give you an example to copy
I am the image of your unseen Father
In my life
and particularly in my passion
I showed you the depths
to which love must be prepared to go
There is no room for fear in love
no room for shame
no excuses
no holidays
Love offers everything
and expects no return

You cannot bear the unveiled love of God
It falls like fire upon you
and you are consumed and burnt up in its heat
you are not ready yet to be refined
and purified by the naked flame
of your Father's love for you
and so it has to be filtered
mediated to you through my flesh

Richard Hobbs
"Fifteen Mysteries in the Life of Jesus"
St Paul Press

Labels: Catholic, Faith, IN, Poem

January 11, 2009

Mark 1:1-11~ The Baptism of Jesus

The Shining Stream The Ohio River Levenworth IN.

John the Baptist Prepares the Way

The beginning of the gospel of Jesus Christ, the Son of God.

As it is written in Isaiah the prophet,

“Behold, I send my messenger before your face,
who will prepare your way,
the voice of one crying in the wilderness:
‘Prepare the way of the Lord,
make his paths straight,’”

John appeared, baptizing in the wilderness and proclaiming a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins.And all the country of Judea and all Jerusalem were going out to him and were being baptized by him in the river Jordan, confessing their sins.Now John was clothed with camel's hair and wore a leather belt around his waist and ate locusts and wild honey.And he preached, saying, “After me comes he who is mightier than I, the strap of whose sandals I am not worthy to stoop down and untie.I have baptized you with water, but he will baptize you with the Holy Spirit.”

The Baptism of Jesus
In those days Jesus came from Nazareth of Galilee and was baptized by John in the Jordan.And when he came up out of the water, immediately he saw the heavens opening and the Spirit descending on him like a dove.And a voice came from heaven, “You are my beloved Son; with you I am well pleased.”

Labels: IN, Louisville, scripture

December 25, 2008

A Nativity Prayer

The Blessed Mother and Child...the statue of Our Lady of Einsiedeln, patroness of St. Meinrad Archabbey, St Meinrad IN

Nativity Prayer of St. Ephraim the Syrian

The feast day of your birth resembles You, Lord
Because it brings joy to all humanity.
Old people and infants alike enjoy your day.
Your day is celebrated
from generation to generation.
Kings and emperors may pass away,
And the festivals to commemorate them soon lapse.
But your festival
will be remembered until the end of time.
Your day is a means and a pledge of peace.
At Your birth heaven and earth were reconciled,
Since you came from heaven to earth on that day
You forgave our sins and wiped away our guilt.
You gave us so many gifts on the day of your birth:
A treasure chest of spiritual medicines for the sick;
Spiritual light for the blind;
The cup of salvation for the thirsty;
The bread of life for the hungry.
In the winter when trees are bare,
You give us the most succulent spiritual fruit.
In the frost when the earth is barren,
You bring new hope to our souls.
In December when seeds are hidden in the soil,
The staff of life springs forth from the virgin womb.

St. Ephraim the Syrian (AD 306-373)

Labels: Catholic, IN, Prayers

December 24, 2008

A Christmas Creed

Bowing Before the Throne, a disabled brother of the Monestery of St. Meinrad praying before the Blessed Sacrament, St Meinrad Archabbey St Meinrad IN


A Christmas Creed

I believe in Jesus Christ
and in the power of the gospel
which began in Bethlehem.

I believe in The One whose Spirit
glorified a small village
of whose coming the shepards saw the sign,
and for Whom there was no room for in the inn

I believe in The One whose life
changed the course of history
over whom the kings of the earth
had no power and who was not understood by the proud

I believe in The One whom the poor, the oppressed
the discouraged, the afflicted, the sick,
the blind and the leperous gave welcome
and accepted as Lord and Saviour

I believe in The One who, with love
changed the hearts of the proud
and with his life showed that it is
more important to serve than to be served
and that the greatest glory
is giving your life for others

I beieve in peace, which is not the absence of war
but justice among all people and nations
and love among all

I believe in reconciliation, forgiveness
and the transforming power of the gospel

I believe that Christmas is strength and power
and that this world can change if with humility
and with faith we kneel before the manger

I believe that I must be the first one to do so

Labels: Catholic, Faith, IN

December 22, 2008

I Wonder as I Wander ~ The Blue Christmas Journey

the journey of Christ. From His Mother's arms, as represented by the shrine of Our Lady of Einsiedeln just behind me to the Altar and the institution of the Eucharist, His Crucifixion and resurection and being lifted up as King of the Nations (the mural on the vault of the Nave of the church) The Church of Our Lady of Einsiedeln, St Meinrad's Archabbey, St Meinrad IN

Vague...vagueness emptiness dried up... those are good words to describe how you must feel while dealing with long term greif Pamela, the Chaplain at St Mary's hospital while leading a "Blue Christmas" workshop...

I went to our Church's Blue Christmas celebration on the 21st. Many Churches have this and I think its a great event and always go. This date is intentionally selected for this event as it is the darkest day of the year, for many people this is the darkest time of the year. A time that brings back memories both joyful and troubling. so rather than just pretending that everything is happy happy, its good to be able to come together with others that are struggling with the same feelings as you are. That Christmas isnt the light and bright time that the TV shows would make it out to be, but its hard for most people to keep Christmas the way they think it should be kept. For the Lonely lost , berieved and discouraged Christmas and all of the Holly Jolly can be a nightmare, with ever sight every smell a reminder of the lost loved one, the horrible Christmas's past, and the coming day with not a thing light and bright about it

We have had a number of deaths in the church recently ... some after long and painfull illness others quite suddenly. Many people have lost their retirement savings and dont know how they are going to survive. My situation is a touch unusual, but never the less a friend that lost her beloved husband a few weeks ago said that I too am a widow. My "husband" or my hope of having one in truth, died 13 years ago, and the man I am legaly contracted to is still breathing. What has died is the hope that anything will ever change. She burried her grief, mine is still walking around a living reminder of failure and personal grief and loss.

There were three widows, myself and our pastor there as well as the facilitator, a woman that I love so much, I wish that our paths would cross more often. The "workshop portion was pretty intense. the widows has losses to cry over... and our poor pastor has had a load to bear that has worried me for weeks and every fear I had for him was confirmed... you cant hold the hand of the dying then the living as you are presiding over the funeral 6-7 times since the start of Advent and not be affected. That sort of ministry bleeds you of inner resouces, and if you dont get a chance to recharge can do real damage to your spirit. He is so tired...It scared me...

Perhaps I was the least emotional of the 6 of us but only because the well is so dry I cant get much out anymore. I cried nearly every day while I was in Louisville. i wrote prodigiously and had good counsel. Leading worship was cathartic and I know that helps me. I tried I think in vain to describe my grief... Mark in Louisville told me that there seemed to be no sort of grief that I have not experienced. Dead parents , a dead child divorce dead dreams...suicides, abuse neglect and abandonment emotionally and physically. There is no person of significance that has not emotionally abandoned me at point of need.

I feel empty, lost confused and drained out. This year while I loved my time away and just living...I also lost my dreams, my strength of will is gone and I will need to figure out what God wants me to do.

Every one managed to get some of the pain out. We told our stories and cried more...
We ate together and talked about lighter topics then We had a service of readings and songs, Pastor David even played a John Michael Talbot tune, "On Eagles Wings" that I know well. but the one that got me was the theme of the evening

I Wonder as I Wander

I wonder as I wander out under the sky
How Jesus the Saviour did come for to die
For poor lonely people like you and like I;
I wonder as I wander out under the sky

When Mary birthed Jesus 'twas in a cow's stall
With wise men and farmers and shepherds and all
But high from God's heaven, a star's light did fall
And the promise of ages it then did recall.

If Jesus had wanted for any wee thing
A star in the sky or a bird on the wing
Or all of God's Angels in heaven to sing
He surely could have it, 'cause he was the King

(Words & Music John Jacob Niles)

Pastor David earlier in the day told me that he was praying for me as I journied thought the "wilderness of maybe" I am trying to live totally in the moment. One moment to the next and not trying to get ahead of God...I wonder as I wander... not sure of what the next thing will be only that God is with me...

Labels: Faith, IN, John Michael Talbot, Louisville

November 06, 2008

Landfall

Brilliant Country near Louisville KY


my final week in Louisville was really good. Woody came in on a mid-day flight and we spent a few days together in the apartment. We also drove out to the Overlook Resturant, near Levenworth Indiana for an early dinner one afternoon, and a long drive to and from the resturant through the countryside where the leaves were shining in the brightest colors of the Fall. It was pretty romantic, a thought not lost on me...Perhaps it was my way to say good bye to a place that I have fallen totally in love with.

The final two days were hectic and at times down right crazy. I dont know if I was procrastinating because I find the whole packing and moving thing crazy making or rather that I just feared what I would find when I got home. There was this increasing sense of dread....

Then there was my stuff... I am a professional loader of stuff. I used to be able to look at a pile of stuff and say "that is x amount of cubic feet and will fit in x size trailer". Not so anymore. We were loading up my boxes of stuff into my van and realized that it wasnt going to work. So off to UPS and we pack and shipped 10 cartons off to Bella Vista. OK right on...But that wasnt the end of it.

I cant believe my stuff. We packed carton after carton and it kept mounding up. I also had a wrought iron patio set that we strapped up on top of my van's roof. I realized that I hadnt set aside room for Annabelle's crate. Off to UPS again and this time eight more boxes were shipped. I put the crate into the van and stuffed it with more cartons. I barely had the room for the remainder and shut the doors on the van ...it was like Mcgee's Closet you didnt dare reopen the door. I had this sinking feeling that I left something important behind, but I didnt dare check... I just had to trust that all was in order

We had planned to pull out by noon it was four pm when we pulled out. Woody drove, so I could watch as Louisville, gleaming in the afternoon sun passed by and on over the emerald Ohio and into Indiana...I cried, I didnt think it would hurt like this but it does.

Because Annabelle has grown so much, she didnt fit in her travel crate very well, so she rode on my lap. She was as enthralled with the beautiful countryside as I was...mile after mile we watched as fields and farms passed by...farmers getting into barns the last of their crop before darkness fell and the weather turned. Tractors pulling loads down the highway seemed to surprise her... all of the lights wizzing by... then the muted darkness. The rocking motion of the car soothed us both I think. She has never been a lap doggie, but she rode on my lap until we arrived in St Louis, where due to the traffic I thought it best and safer that she get into her travel crate and sleep untill we arrived home.

It grew cold and I had her favorite blanket with me and wrapped us up into it. After Bella settled into her crate I kept it around me and slept on and off it had been a rough week for me. I had a cold and hadnt slept well...Woody continued to drive and we did some talking in between. Serious talking. I found to my surprise that I may have misjudged him. I dont understand why he does what he does and why he feels what he feels but there seems to be no malace. He seems to be at a place where he wants to be alone as well. We agreed to keep trying, as we had all week, to be civil and not get into each other's face too much. We had come to an agreement on subdividing the house, my living with Annabelle in the mastersuite and the lanai...where I spend most of my time anyway. and Woody and the cats in the rest of the house. They had been in this space all while I was gone and it seems to work for them.We, Bella and I feel a touch cramped as we are used to having the run of a whole apartment but that may be changing in the near future so we shall see how things go.

Woody was a hero and drove 10 hours straight through stopping for gas twice and a quick bite. We rolled in and made Landfall at 2 am Nov 1.I was home or rather I arrived at a place that I have lived before

I dont feel like I am home. There are many reasons for this, most of my own making. But this is my house and I slept in my own bed that night. Annabelle marched into the Master Bath where her crate is housed and wanted in for the night she slept like a stone and seems to have fallen into her old routine like a trooper.

The messy house that I left was clean as though 100 cleaning faries came and did a lot of hard work. Woody again had given it his best shot and did a very credible job. He feels he can maintain it. I hope so. Since we have been home I have seen a great deal of domestic activity on his part, from trying to clear the monumental amount of leaves to changing a shower head on his own with no help from me. I am trying not to instruct or direct on this but am standing back and letting him do things failing if need be and asking for help if he needs it from the other men in the neighborhood... To me this is how it should be. I have tried to hurry and deal with the 18 cartons from Louisville as well as all of the stuff in the van. Its nearly all put away and while I had to unpack some stuff I have chosen to leave a bunch packed up for the future as I am looking at homes to move into in the next few months, allowing us to have our separate residences again.

I have had moments where I have felt like a disembodied spirit, and other times like my time in Louisville was just a dream. Truthfully there were times that were better than I could write about here and many others that were worse. Now the time has come for me to bring it on and show the world what I learned from Charlie Conner and others. The Contractor has been called in and I should be building out soon. I cant wait to get going on my business

As I said I hit the ground running looking for places to move to and I now have three so far that look very promising, one a lease option house, one a town house near the Methodist church that the owner will finance and has offered terms, and the third is a stone's throw from the shop and is a perfect house for me. We are waiting to see if the owner will finance with no down or low down, as his price is above market but its been vacant for two years and he wants to be done with it...Everything is negotiable. I have a half dozen realators looking for me so we shall see.

I have made Landfall. The landing was hard and a touch painful, but I have felt more and more at home. From the warm welcome back from my neighbors to the heartfelt hugs at my church where I went to vote this week in the election, I feel like the sailor home from the sea...the soilder home from the war and for me the prodigal returned from the Far Country of the Bluegrass...home to face the challenges of a new life in the making. No regrets only challenges to face...and why do we do it? because its the hardest thing we can do...

Labels: Annabelle, Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Bella Vista, Business start up, Conner School, IN, Louisville, Marriage, Scenic Arkansas, Woody

October 03, 2008

The Bend In The River

The bend in the mighty Ohio near Warsaw KY

The weather doesnt get much better than it has been these last few days. Brilliant blue skies and cool nights with warm sunny days. My walks with Annabelle in the mid mornings are the higlight of my days. I will be able to walk her at home but there are not the blocks and block of sidewalks and the golf cart paths that surround Indian Springs. I will have a hilly gravel strew road that is more difficult and the least bit of wet weather makes them impossible for me and my long coated little friend. But this is the way we need to go at least for now.

I have been working on my business plan several hours a day. My new computer is great and I ordered my accounting softwear from industry business guru David Geller. He asked me a lot of very pointed questions one of them being, what was I going to do about all of the various types of work that I am not able to do on my own...such as work in platinum a highly specialized side of the trade that requires a compleatly separate set up, or unusual antiques that require knowlegable handling. David directed me to a firm located near Cincinatti. I drove up there this week.

I was warmly received by the CEO of what may be the largest Trade Shop I have ever heard of. Over 100 jewelers and related trades people doing work for jewelry stores from accross the country. I saw detailed security measures and an operation that seemed to me to be efficient and very very professional. I should have no misgivings about sending them any work I cant handle on my own.

I told the new accounts rep that "if I looked like a woman that has been given her life back... I am." Truth is my dream was headed for a brick wall. The people I met with said that I was a bold person to continue with my quest in the face of the Conner's debacle and the fact that no one with so little experience could be expected to do what I want to do well at this point in their carrer. It would be like having a first year piano student play Beethoven's Piano Concerto with the LA Philharmonic Orchestra. Its not my fault that I am where I am I just need to practice and expand my abilities, this will allow me to do that while opening my business and starting the cash flow forward.

This has changed the direction of my business plan. Rather than focus on just repair and not take custom work,I am going to focus on custom orders, and to do that I need to build out and make the shop look good so people will have confidence in spending their hard won money there. My casting finishing and setting skills are good so I feel good about the plan. I can buy waxes very cheaply and if the customer brings their own gold or silver I can do a special order rather inexpensively for the customer yet have a generous margin to support myself... I wont get rich, but I will be independent and that is what I am looking for.

Many people have asked me if I though that with the recent economic turmoil did I think that this was really the time to start a business. I think its the best time. With business down vendors are more willing to come down on prices and work hard to earn my business and my trust. My future customers want to fix their precious things because buying new is too expensive. Also when times are hard sentiment becomes more important. Grandma's wedding ring becomes the ring given to her grandson's new bride, or family jewelry or watches are refirbished and become cherished gifts.

What many people dont realize is that jewelers and jewelry stores thrived during the Great Depression and WWII. Oh, things were not as extravigant as perhaps things are now. But the bread and butter of any shop is the same today as it was 75 years ago. Nice gifts, that celebrated special occasions... milestones in peoples lives. Wedding jewelry, Anniversary gifts and up until the advent of the specialty/Big Box/Discounter, "Table Top" China, Silver, and Crystalware... My mother told me of what an event it was in her family when she as a high school seinor went to the local jewelry store and registered her patterns and had lunch with her mother. A rite of passage we dont have today. She never got one of those peices, but I still have the tiny silver serving spoon pin she received as a gift....

Many of the super jewelers of today got their start as small family shops founded prior or just after WWII. Talk about a struggle! Every store that I have had the privilege to spend a lot of time in has a story that tells of risk taking and courage... and yes a bit of sacrifice for the family, but it was worth it and I am willing to take on the challenge, to gain the independence that I feel I need to be the person God means me to be.

There will be bends in the river...places where I cant see the way before me. I am trying to learn to trust God every step of the way. He makes a way for me everytime, just in time in ways I never expect.




The Great Stream The Ohio River near Warsaw KY

Labels: Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Business start up, IN, Kentucky, Louisville

September 28, 2008

Isaiah 35 ~The Ransomed Shall Return

Abbey Road the path up to the Abbey church St Meinrad Archabbey and Seminary St. Meinrad Indiana

Isaiah 35


The wilderness and the dry land shall be glad;
the desert shall rejoice and blossom like the crocus;
it shall blossom abundantly
and rejoice with joy and singing.
The glory of Lebanon shall be given to it,
the majesty of Carmel and Sharon.
They shall see the glory of the Lord,
the majesty of our God.

Strengthen the weak hands,
and make firm the feeble knees.
Say to those who have an anxious heart,
“Be strong; fear not!
Behold, your God
will come with vengeance,
with the recompense of God.
He will come and save you.”

Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened,
and the ears of the deaf unstopped;
then shall the lame man leap like a deer,
and the tongue of the mute sing for joy.
For waters break forth in the wilderness,
and streams in the desert;
the burning sand shall become a pool,
and the thirsty ground springs of water;
in the haunt of jackals, where they lie down,
the grass shall become reeds and rushes.

And a highway shall be there,
and it shall be called the Way of Holiness;
the unclean shall not pass over it.
It shall belong to those who walk on the way;
even if they are fools, they shall not go astray.
No lion shall be there,
nor shall any ravenous beast come up on it;
they shall not be found there,
but the redeemed shall walk there.
And the ransomed of the Lord shall return
and come to Zion with singing;
everlasting joy shall be upon their heads;
they shall obtain gladness and joy,
and sorrow and sighing shall flee away.

Labels: IN, scripture

April 24, 2008

Committed

my bench Conner Jeweler's School New Albany IN

I pull my visor down and my vision forms and all becomes clear, the tiny bits of solder become shining squares against a black background . I take my torch and apply heat to the square and it becomes a molten ball. I quickly scoop up the tiny ball with a iron pick hoping that the ball will stick to the pick. Thank you, it does, now heat the ring then on the prong and off 4 times or so the little ball should jump off the pick when held close to the hotter metal and stick to the prong... I am successful about half of the time...I am successful now. Quickly, I grope for the prong wire and try to heat the solder on the ring just enough so it will cause the wire to stick to the prong when I touch it, but not so hot that the solder will come of onto the wire...I must do this quickly as the wire conducts heat fast and I need my touch to tell me if the wire adhears I have burned myself twice this way this morning and I am not up for more torture. I am successful only 1 in 10 tries today, this one was sort of OK, at least the wire stuck on but it was so crooked that if this was an actual customer job I would have to sand it off and start over. A miserable waste of time...

I knew it would be hard. This is exactly the sort of thing that comes hard to me, the One that can barely walk and chew gum at the same time...But I get it eventually...

There is no "Plan B"
There is no "Exit Plan"
There is no giving up...

There are a lot of issues. First I am still not 100 percent well. I have a ragged cough and a lot of Lung congestion. I am still having to sleep sitting up. Thank you for your prayers and comments.

I went to class this monday, but was too weary tuesday to go in and the instructor started making noises about "giving me part of my money back if I felt like I couldn't do it."...When I asked him if he thought that I had potential he said "Yes, that I have done work that was up to store standards and some perfectly. I have the ability to learn what I need to to open my business." "OK then, lets get going.." I said the next morning...

But there are no other students right now, and the hired help quit, so his other apprentice, a gal that is simply amazing for such a short amount of time at the bench, is now hired to be the gal friday and is moving from Chicago to work there and go into the business that way. But other than her there is no one else to handle the counter, take in repairs and buy the gold that has turned this semi profitable business into literally a gold mine. Today it was discovered that a watch that was taken in for repair by a student trying to help,(and not done correctly either) was missing and the customer wanted it back. I expended no effort in trying to find it but focused on my work...I felt the tension rising so I spoke up today about it.

I am a paying student, I have no time to waste getting involved with the operations of the business. I dont need to earn "credit" towards tools or other stuff. I am there to learn, and if no teaching is going on then I expect to be practicing what I have already learned and have the materiels and tools at hand to do that. If my instructor is not able to teach and I am not able to work that day on other things then I need to be compensated for that day. So while I am understanding about illness and the like, no attitudes for not picking up the phone or taking to the counter customers, that is not my place to be doing that. I dont dump trash or clean toilets, that is not my place either...

I know that the Instructor agreed verbally that I was right but I can see issues like this for the whole time that I am here. Woody and I discussed the possibility that the Instructor my be unable to continue in the long term (he confided that he is looking into a possible early retirement due to his health) and that we may be forced to look at a Plan B such as the school in Florida or even seeing if the Drouhards are still teaching up in Ohio. It really could give me the worries... but it also is a reminder that God is fully behind every thing that goes on.

I have signed a lease for three months and then it is month to month. I only have given three months of the 6 months of money to the school. If this is what God really wants me to do then He will make a way. I will trust Him to bring it to fruition in His time.

One of the things that makes it hard is the horrible music they play in there. I have started bringing my Ipod and listening to the wonderful podcasts, teaching and other programs as I did at thisplace. I feel a real lift in my heart as I take in daily food from God's word as well as instruction from great teachers and others. I can listen to this as long as I dont have a demonstration or DVD to watch. Tuning out the constant distractions is a huge help to me.

I am as committed as a soilder to this. I dont know what the future will hold, but I want to get through this and succeed. For the first time in my life, I dont want to be told that "I cant" or "You annoy me cause you arent doing it well enough so stop already" or " I am sick of this so we have to stop"... My life as I know it depends on making a go of this business.

I said tonight that I dont know how I will feel about staying in NW Arkansas if I have to work for someone. Commuting is just crazy, the price of gas is nearly $4.00 a gallon. If we came to the city like moving here we could use Public transit and be closer to everything we need. I can walk to the store, the doctor I am using even church if I chose. Its all within a mile of here. Its 5 miles to a store in Bella Vista. I could get used to apartment life if it was like this place, so very quiet all of the time...but I am getting ahead again

I cant do that. I have promised myself that I would try to live in the day one day at a time while I am here. I am trying to not fret (picture a horse breaking out in a nervious lather pulling at the bit out of unseen fear while standing safe in its stall.. that is "fretting") or worry or get ahead too far. That is not what this is about. Its been hard while so ill, getting out will help a lot as I feel better.

Annabelle is doing well and is the darling of the complex. I have to restrain her exuburances when meeting new people, but other than that she is a happy camper loving the climb up and down the stairs to go walking outside. I am so glad that I was able to bring her with me.

I ask for your continued prayers and good wishes, for I most certainly need them as I climb this mountain one step at a time.

Labels: Annabelle, Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Bella Vista, Business start up, Conner School, Faith, Health, IN, Kentucky, New Albany, Woody, working

October 15, 2007

The Great Decision

The historic Pearl street, once home to the finest shopping in the lower Ohio Valley when this town was founded in 1813. There is stil plenty of charm as the area is revitalizing. New Albany Indiana

post started 10-11-07

Im home in Bella Vista, with my puppy playing at my feet, and the cats enjoying freedom after 7 days at the cat hotel. Annabelle stayed at the vet's, who told me that the girls had her out much of the time during office hours... shes gained some weight and has refined her bathroom manners to the point that she doesnt wait around too long once we go outside. This will be good as the nights are getting colder. I will be putting a blankie on the bed tonight! She has grown and matured a lot in a week. Everyone adored her, and loved her happy personality.

Annabelle has been more affectionate twords me I think because I rescued her this morning. Im sure that she thought herself abandoned...

This connection is going to be more important for us. I came to a decision on Sunday. Everything has fallen into place. I found a place to live in a beautiful golf course developement in the Springhurst area of Louisville. A fully furnished and equiped two bedroom deluxe apartment will be ready for me on April 1, 2008. Annabelle is invited to join me. In fact if Woody really wanted to come he could bring the cats too, but that isnt wise and we both know it. He would want to play the tourist, and I am spending BIG bucks on this...(the apartment alone is a fortune, but everything is included. I need to bring my clothes, computer, and Annabelle's things, thats it...$1700.00 a month.)I need to focus on learning all that I can, and resting when I can...In short looking out for myself only. That will be enough for me to handle.

The Conner Jewelry School, New Albany Indiana

I gave Charlie Conner a depost on a place in his school starting April 6, 2008. I plan to work until Easter week, where I will take a personal retreat prior to my confirmation into the Catholic Church on March 23. My only concern now is Woody being on his own for so long and the fact that the school currently allows smoking in the classroom, Charlie being a mini cigar smoker, he smokes in his office but the smell permiates the room. He says he's trying to quit again I hope and will pray that he does, his lungs sound terrible...Six months of this will be tough, at 35 plus hours a week, but this is for life... my life and you only have one shot at your dream usually...

Im getting a second chance... It thills me and frightens the daylights out of me. But I have learned from my mistakes, and I am vowing not to repeat the worst of them.

I have a second one and I am going for it

It is not going to be easy. The risk is huge. John and I are in a similar situation that we found ourselves in in Hawaii. He is not looking for work, or is very passive about it. He has spent his inheritance money that was for his retirement and I have to work a job that is ok now but will descend back into revolting obnoxiousness as accounts leave and I get bounced from desk to desk in the talent pool. I shall go mad...

I estimate that it will cost 55,000.00 to open the doors, including the school, I am going to try to save up enough while I am still working to cover my expenses while there. My little gig selling stuff at the flea market will perhaps help defray the costs of the space untill we get open. I will empty out the bit of money that I have saved in my 401k and apply to this project. I have cashed out of the stock market it wont be long till it crashes anyway and my savings will be useless anyway. I lost much of what I saved in the 2000 crash, not again...

If this flops, I can go back to transportation. But no one can take what I have learned from me. Its not going to flop, everyone reading this has a box of stuff that needs to be fixed or cared for. If I can keep the buildout nominal, get a proper accounting system going and keep the cash flow under control, we will be ok.

The Old Home Place of Col. Harlan Sanders of Kentucky Fried Chicken fame. His wife's recipie fried chicken is served as a part of a magnificent buffet in a resturant behind the house in Shelbyville KY

We spent a few hours playing tourist and had dinner at Mrs. Sanders. Really good. The area is lovely and I know that I am going to enjoy being there. I will miss my home and the cats...(oh the cats!!!! I dont know if I can stand it being away from them for so long.) But I have made the great decision, and my business is gestating. A year from now or so it will come to be...I cant wait.

Labels: Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Breaking News, Business start up, Conner School, IN, Louisville, New Albany, Woody, working