Short Bio~Hokule'a Kealoha is the Nom De Plume of a writer that formerly lived in Hawaii and is now living a life of adventure on the highways and byways of the American South . I am a Born Again follower of Jesus, as well as a wife, mother of cats and dogs,jeweler, entreprenuer, photographer and pilgrim...
Age~ Old enough to know better
Status~ Newly Single after 13 years of marriage,fur mom to the loving and devoted mini ShihTzu doggie Annabelle, born 6-11-2007 RIP 2-25-09, and the beautiful Abigail born 2-14-09
Hair Color~ natural brown/grey
Mood~ I ALWAYS have a mood, try me...
Loving~ Jesus, Hawaii, my furry friend, Abigail, my Pen Pals, Jewelry ,Blogging ,Writing anything,my Ipod,and being outdoors surrounded by my wonderful natural surroundings
The Table of Our Lord, the Altar of St Francis of Rome Church Clifton, Louisville KY
The eternal spring is hidden in this living bread for our life's sake, although it is night. It is here calling out to creatures; and they satisfy their thirst, although in darkness, because it is night. This living spring that I long for, I see in this bread of life, although it is night. - St. John of the Cross
"The Bread that we need each day to grow in eternal life, makes of our will a docile instrument of the Divine Will; sets the Kingdom of God within us; gives us pure lips, and a pure heart with which to glorify his holy name, " - Edith Stein
"Were it not for the constant presence of our divine Master in our humble chapel, I would not have found it possible to persevere in sharing the lot of the lepers in Molokai...The Eucharist is the bread that gives strength... It is at once the most eloquent proof of His love and the most powerful means of fostering His love in us. He gives Himself every day so that our hearts as burning coals may set afire the hearts of the faithful," - Blessed Fr. Damien, Apostle of the Lepers
"Let us go with confidence to the throne of grace that we may obtain mercy and find grace," - (Heb. 4:16)
Father, now Saint Damien Molokai’i ae, is one of the two holy people that have gone before me, that I have selected to be my patrons. The other is Edith Stein, in religion Teresa Benedicta a Cruse, a Jewess who converted to Christianity then after ten years of teaching was received into the Carmelite Order. St. Damien died of leprosy contracted in conjunction with his ministry. St. Edith was murdered for simply being of a certain race. The communion of Saints has always been a reality for me. I never believed that those that die are not alive. They are living on another plane, another dimension. And that they are there for us
I have been asked by many “Why would you change your faith or your religion at this time of your life?...” “ What was it that drew you to this Church so full of controversies and contradictions…” A church that is daily reviled in the news, insulted in the press and scorned by many of my friends who left her angry confused and hurt… A church misunderstood, called stone age, irrelevant, woman hating, superstitious, filled with heresies, idolatry and untruth. None if this is true of course…
Was it the leading of John Michael Talbot, (who said to me recently that becoming a Roman Catholic made him a better Methodist. That by following Christ by studying the example of St. Francis of Assisi, he has become better conformed to Christ in the image of John Wesley…) or my Methodist minister friend,( who was supportive but I think perplexed…). Both have been called by one angry friend “false prophets” but they have had little to do with this journey. They have encouraged me but not pushed me in any direction.
Was it the long period of no church attendance, then the plunge into a liturgical experience over the past few years? Was it my own disgust at the way praise and worship has become top 40 songs that make Jesus sound like He is your girlfriend, and worship leaders treated like rock stars…or how the “Bible” church go-ers have become modern day Pharisees, judgmental overfed sheep that cant make their way out of the feedlot of their churches into the world that sorely needs what they have been so carefully taught!... Is it the incredible narrowness that I have seen in fundamentalist congregations or the outrageousness of some Pentecostal gatherings where people growled like dogs, and flopped on the floor in a crazed abandon, spouting nonsense.
"What Christ gives us is quite explicit if his own words are interpreted according to their Aramaic meaning. The expression 'This is my Body' means this is myself" Karl Rahner
In fact it was the Calvary Chapels, the verse by verse exposition of the scriptures and the mantra of their founder Chuck Smith…”Read the Word-What does it say?” that propelled me in an all out search for the Truth. It was 10 years ago, as I was reading Kathleen Norris’s “ Amazing Grace, A Vocabulary of Faith” that I decided to look at what Catholics believed and why they are viewed differently than any other “brand” of Christianity. I read two passages of scripture below with “Catholic” eyes... That study totally rocked my theological worldview
John 6:48-69 I am the bread of life. Your fathers ate the manna in the wilderness, and they died. This is the bread that comes down from heaven, so that one may eat of it and not die. I am the living bread that came down from heaven. If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever. And the bread that I will give for the life of the world is my flesh.” The Jews then disputed among themselves, saying, “How can this man give us his flesh to eat?” So Jesus said to them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day. For my flesh is true food, and my blood is true drink. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood abides in me, and I in him. As the living Father sent me, and I live because of the Father, so whoever feeds on me, he also will live because of me. This is the bread that came down from heaven, not as the fathers ate and died. Whoever feeds on this bread will live forever.” Jesus said these things in the synagogue, as he taught at Capernaum. When many of his disciples heard it, they said, “This is a hard saying; who can listen to it?” But Jesus, knowing in himself that his disciples were grumbling about this, said to them, “Do you take offense at this? Then what if you were to see the Son of Man ascending to where he was before? It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh is of no avail. The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life. But there are some of you who do not believe.” (For Jesus knew from the beginning who those were who did not believe, and who it was who would betray him.) And he said, “This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless it is granted him by the Father.” After this many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with him. So Jesus said to the Twelve, “Do you want to go away as well?” Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.”
James 5:14-16 Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.
These scriptures are explicit in their clarity. I have read commentary and discussed these with a number of learned people and I am convinced that they are literal and to the point. That Jesus, was saying that He himself would become a Spiritual Food somehow…and that I was to confess to a human and that I would be forgiven…. I am no scholar no theologian, but what the Bible said was what the Church teaches and has taught since the earliest times and this is what convinced me that the fullness of Christian life is to be found in the Roman Catholic Church.
You can be a Christian and not be Catholic, you will go to heaven if you have faith in Jesus, but if you want the fullness of historic Christian tradition, you aren’t going to find it in the feel good mega churches or by staring at a tree in your back yard… You will find it in the depths of the mystery of the Church founded by Christ Himself
Yes… there are many other things that lead me to “Cross the Tiber… I love the pageantry, the theater of the Mass, the many readings of scripture and the comfort of knowing that you are going to get what you get every time you go…But the two things among the many, Two Sacraments of Seven…. They were the clincher. I have written on one of them, Reconciliation and Absolution. The other is the Eucharist… The Real Presence… The Holy Communion that can only be found in Holy Mother Church and her daughters of Orthodox traditions... Sadly it cannot exist in the churches of the separated brethren that I have known all of my life. I am convinced that only consecrated priests that can trace their ordininal lineage back to the Apostles have the authority to consecrate the elements. Anything else is only a symbol, a symbolic ceremony that anyone can perform and if it treated that way, I have no problem with this, but in churches like the Methodist church where only a handful of its ministers have this traceable authority (for example,if there are any women in the line of ordination that will disqualify you for starters) this is a huge issue. There has to be authority, if there isnt then my puppy could confect the sacrament… My friends, if the Holy Sacrament is merely symbolic why should we care…this has been a question that I have asked myself for a long long time
"The Bread of heaven puts an end to symbols." - Office for the Feast of Corpus Christi
I have seen communion services treated like picnics or free for alls that leave a huge mess on the floor. Yes I have also seen reverence and dignity, but I have also seen it done carelessly and with no thought to what is being said by the foolishness, Worse was seeing it done by rote week in and week out with no explanation. I have been in churches that don’t have communion but once a year, and I have seen Open Tables which are a mockery of scripture in 1 Corinthians 11:27-32
Whoever, therefore, eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty of profaning the body and blood of the Lord. Let a person examine himself, then, and so eat of the bread and drink of the cup. For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body eats and drinks judgment on himself. That is why many of you are weak and ill, and some have died. But if we judged ourselves truly, we would not be judged. But when we are judged by the Lord, we are disciplined so that we may not be condemned along with the world.
The Eucharist is for Believers not Seekers. Being a seeker is great I have been one for many years. I went forward and was "blessed" by different priests in different settings. I was not in the least embarrassed to be different. I want what God wants and political correctness for the sake of inclusion has no place here. We really need to get over this...
"The Blessed Sacrament is indeed the stimulus for us all, for me as it should be for you, to forsake all worldly ambitions. Without the constant presence of our Divine Master upon the altar in my poor chapels, I never could have persevered casting my lot with the lepers of Molokai; the foreseen consequence of which begins now to appear on my skin, and is felt throughout the body. Holy Communion being the daily bread of a priest, I feel myself happy, well pleased, and resigned in the rather exceptional circumstances in which it has pleased Divine Providence to put me." - Blessed Fr. Damien, Apostle of the Lepers
The Eucharist is a gift to us here on earth. It is the way Christ would cement the living stones of His church together… a building up…a unifying factor…and I desired this Oneness with Our Lord so much. I knew that and while it was hard to wait I wanted something in my life that wasnt tainted by rushing or choosing my own way. I am so glad that I waited and that I was able to have a first true holy communion...
"Neither theological knowledge nor social action alone is enough to keep us in love with Christ unless both are proceeded by a personal encounter with Him. Theological insights are gained not only from between two covers of a book, but from two bent knees before an altar. The Holy Hour becomes like an oxygen tank to revive the breath of the Holy Spirit in the midst of the foul and fetid atmosphere of the world," - Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen
And so I began this long journey, Three Churches, Four Catechists, 12 years and 10,000 miles of wandering later, I stood before Msgr Scott and the congregation at St. Steven Church and said more "I do's" than I repeated at my two marriage ceremonies combined. I felt my forehead being signed three times and the heavy sweet scented chrism oil crossed on my forehead and temples...the same kind of oil used to anoint priests and because they are the head of the Church of England, the Kings and Queens of England as well. I am an anointed princess and a priest...a true daughter of God, and of His Church...
Then I heard my new name "Teresa Damien Molokai ea" and there was a roar in my ears and the sound of the drums striking the last note of a Mele or chant and the ensuing silence. I think the roar was voices... and Father said later when I shared this that they were the voices of those forgotten ones, those sent to the fires at the death camps by the Nazis, those lepers tossed off the ships into the raging Pacific off the coast of Molokai'i, too weak and sick to swim they would drown in the heavy surf. My patron saints cared for these people and in turn I will be cared for as well... The struggle of this part of my journey has ended. The Word of prophecy I received last Fall, that before the summer came, my hard journey would end, has come to pass... The final drumbeat signaled a new song was beginning.
“Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed…” The final words said by the priest prior to the serving of the Eucharist….
I went forward for the Host and when Father placed it in my mouth, I stood there in a sort of amazed shock..."I have God in my mouth..." was all I could think, but as I tasted the precious blood for the first time I realized that this was different from any experience of Our Lord I have ever known, a closeness and a sweetness that is unsurpassed. I was high, on a different plane than when I walked into the church. For me and for others that have experienced this celebration, it is a life changing moment. You are never the same again. I am free to worship where I will but the table of Our Lord is now open to me in any church anywhere in the world. I now have 1 Billion brothers and Sisters. The next week as I worshiped I felt the same spine tingle when I received my Lord and my God. When Jesus said he would be with us forever he really meant it physically forever, within us. I never understood the power of that . Christ more than a intellectual expression, more than theology, worship and service… Actually in my hands in my mouth, under my heart. It is my hope that my faith will grow stronger now that I have this tangible reality in my life. It is the Greatest Gift I have ever been given.
With thanks to http://www.therealpresence.org/index.html
Gathering at the Table, the NW Deanery of the Dioscese of Little Rock gather for the Rites of Election at St Vincent De Paul Church Rogers Arkansas
"I will go peaceably and firmly to the Catholic Church: for if Faith is so important to our salvation, I will seek it where true Faith first began, seek it among those who received it from God Himself."
St. Elizabeth Ann Seton
I love the Catholic Church. There I have said it. For many reasons too nuemerous to count or account for, I love Holy Mother Church and today was my wedding day...so to speak. I wasnt prepared... I didnt know today was the day but like the story of the bridgroom and the wedding feast in the Bible (Matthew 25)I didnt hesitate to go forth and meet my Bridegroom...I jumped into something presentable and drove to Rogers where I was a part of a group of 150 Catachumens and Candidates for Full Communion (I am a part of the latter group as my two previous baptisms are valid in the eyes of the Church). There, some with sponsors, some like me had sponsors that couldnt make it, I was presented to Bishop Taylor, where he signed under the lists of names written in the Book of the Elect
In other words...Im official and can take the Sacrament in due course. I still have my first Confession...oh joy, but it is and I am looking forward to it...I am meeting with Father this week to discuss the preparations for this important Sacrament...as well as Easter Vigil which is the most amazing service complete with fire, and light the drama of recounting the lives of the saints and of course receiving us new ones into the faith, and embrace of the church
Its been quite a week for me spiritually. I am observing Lent as I have for the past three years. I observed the Fast and will continue to do so through the six weeks. I am also abstaining from shopping (now that I have purchased a new dress for Easter that is it...no more. I cant afford it anyway... limiting sweets and going out to eat. I have gained a lot of weight back. Beans and rice will do that, and frankly this is what and the way I was eating. I just want to THINK before I say yes to ordering dinner out with the boys. Better still be prepared and take a frozen meal with me or have something prepared that I can take with me to work in the evenings...and idle chatter. I work in a office full of men, as a rule males would prefer a limit to chatter and not to be bothered while trying to work. I respect that. At church I am paying careful attention to what I say and trying to listen more deeply and intentionally.
I went to the noon service at St Steven and Msgr Scott imposed the ashes on my forehead. I stood with one of the supervisors from Walmart.com who was always very supportive of my journey. The mass was beautiful and Msgr spoke on the need to develope self control not just as a needed spiritual discipline, but as an act of faith as well..an act of trust that God will provide everything that we need so we dont have to grasp and hang onto every little thing.
Imposition... to be imposed on.... Election, to be chosen or to choose... I chose both to take what God imposes on me for my good and all of the good things that God wants for my life I am finding that more and more everyday that He is truly giving me beauty for ashes and the oil of joy for the sprit of heaviness... and that by making my calling and election sure, I am breaking new ground spiritually. I dont know where this is all going to lead but I do know that God only calls me to take the next step. one step at a time
yours truly as she met with The Most Reverend Anthony Taylor Biship of Little Rock AR.
Our Lady of Divine Providence Tile painting locaed in the cloisters of St. Meinred Archabbey, Indiana
A Christmas Prayer
Whom have we, Lord, like you The Great One who became small, the Wakeful who slept, The Pure One who was baptized, the Living One who died, The King who abased himself to ensure honor for all. Blessed is your honor!
a Monarch Butterfly on route to Mexico Cape San Blas State park Florida
Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are... key moments, and life itself is grace.-Frederick Buechner
I am in the midst of maybe as a dear friend was often fond of saying to me...that I have been here so long is amazing but I sit here tonight one year ago I was seated at a folding table eating a meal prepared in my new kitchen full of hope for a new future... Little did I know what this was to mean. Divorce, the loss of Annabelle and my cats Makoa and KaNani, my prolonged unemployment and profund loss of friend family and community...
Yet through it all, God has been so faithful, I got work when I needed it and my needs true needs have been met. A roof and food and personal needs...
My work at Walmart.com has gone well, its been very very busy, and I have worked a lot of hours. I have found it very draining, as it seems like one call after the next is a fraud with distraught people...I find that I spend a lot of time with these people, getting them the proper information to get the police involved. This takes time. You are expected to crank out 10 orders an hour and more, going through thme with all of the security proceedures ect. Many of the hot shot top performers are doing no checking hardly just sending them on their way and let the fraudsters have their way. They like the applause at the weekly meetings, but they wont like it when the audits show how slipshod its been..., and there are people that over work it to death... I fall in the middle. I have received commendations for my Customer Service from customers calling back in which has been highly gratifying, and means more to me than number on a board that are as fraudlent as the dirty orders I cancel because of a stolen credit card used...
I tell you all this because I had a crisis of confidence, and complained bitterly to God about this while thing. I need this job, but I am just not as fast or as good and frankly I cant bring myself to cheat like the others... Cried all night long... and at dawn God spoke to me and asked me how I got this job in the first place...He gave it to me. Really. This wasnt some thing I even interviewed for. It just happened. God inspired a young man to call me out of a clear blue sky and it all came together...
I had a peace about this thought. That was two weeks ago. Then this week I learned that only 7 permanant full time positions will be filled. There are four temps from Walmarts temp service that have two years in, then another 15 people that I thought were permanant that are on contract like I am that have 6-9 months in. These folks are like supervisors and know so much more than I do...
You all can see the same writing on the wall I did... This is a temp job and will end and likely with in a month. Its very scary
Now God could intervein. God could make a way. All of those other could be passed over. But that isnt logical and I need to not expect it. I need to be gracious, finish well, and do my very best every day I am there. I have submitted my application and I am praying for Gods will to be done.
Everyone in charge knows my situation. That I was headed for the street, that I have no one to help me, no money left in savings... But why should they choose me over the three young fathers with brand new babies, the woman who drove from seattle to LA to take her kids to their father because her unemployment had run out from her state job and she was evicted from her home...she then drove to NW Arkansas to live with her parents who insult her everyday, threatening her with the street if she doesnt get work, or worse, The single mom, wife of a Iraq war vet who seems to only give this woman grief and a baby between tours of duty. He came home stayed just long enough to get the girl pregnant again number three (shes on the pill) and has run off, and is living under the bushes somewhere. The girl is living with her inlaws who have been out of work much of 2008-9... The M-I-L and Ashley are employed, and need these jobs...
We all need these jobs all 48 of us that have applied and worked our butts off to impress these people. I was standing aound with those that smoke and listening to this discussion. I was asked how I felt and I told the group, that I am praying like the rest of them...but I wanted them to know..."God is not not listening to me if I dont get this job...He is not punishing me or its not that you need it more than I do.The truth is that if this job is God's perfect will for my life He is going to give it to me...if its not I am not getting it. Its that simple.
It is that simple. Please keep me in your prayers. I am still looking for something else, but the work is very scarce right now and I fear a long cold winter is ahead of me.
I still have hope. My little tree is up and Abi is laying hers contetedly resting. I was received by the local church body last Sunday and I am still rejoicing that I am on a path spiritually that delights me. I went to Mass and wept through it it was that beautiful....Its been very cold here, so A friend bought me a set of fleece sheets so I am warm enough at night and Abi snuggles down with me and seems perfectly content. I need to learn that contentment, and trust in God. He will provide for me just as he has up till now, that is the evedence of things hoped for that I can depend on...
Tribute To The Fallen Memorial to the victims of the Ft. Hood massacre, and all veterans. St. Steven Church Bentonville AR
Day is done, but love unfailing Dwells ever here; Shadows fall, but hope, prevailing Calms every fear Loving Father, none forsaking Take our hearts, of Love's own making Watch our sleeping, guard our waking... Be always near.
Dark descends, but Light Unending Shines through our night; You are with us, ever lending New strength to sight One in love, You truth confessing One in hope, of heavens blessing May we see, in Love's possessing Love's endless light
Eyes will close, but You, unsleeping Watch by our side Death may come, in Love's safekeeping Still we abide God of love, all evil quelling Sin forgiving, fear dispelling Stay with us,our hearts indwelling This eventide
James Quinn SJ
From the "Shorter Morning and Evening Prayer" a Psalter of the Liturgy of the Hours Liturgical Press Collegeville Minnesota
Today let us remember, that those that serve out of love of country do more than serve that country they serve the cause of peace and ultimately the cause of Christ
The Catechism of the Catholic Church
Let us not forget those that serve in the Armed Forces and their families today and everyday, May God bless them and keep them from harm.
St Martin of Tours, patron of the solider and whose feast day this is, pray for us and for those that serve in uniform today. Amen
Belief and New Birth~ A Reading for my Spiritual Birthday
Salt Grass at Noon Cape San Blas FL
God,whose goodness is not exhausted, whose mercy is not emptied out whose knowledge does not fail whose power can effect what You will: Whence shall I ever be able to get back life who have thus been driven desparate by my sins? For if you are angry against sinners, at least kind Lord, you are accoustomed to give counsel to those who plead with you Teach me O Lord, Whence I ought to hope so that I can pray For I long to pray to you but I neither know how because of my ignorance nor am I able to because of my hardness And I am forbidden to do it by dispair because of my sins
I seek for something that will excuse me and there is nothingthat does not accuse me I seek for someone who will pray for me and I find whatever exists is against me I seek for someone to have mercy upon a wretch and all that has being opposes the wretch
Jesus Good Lord Why did you come down from heaven, What did you do in the world to what end did you give yourself over to death unless it was that you might save sinners?
Saint Paul what did you teach? when you were passing through this world? God and his apostles and you most of all invite us sinners to faith you show us this as our only safe refuge How then should I not hope if I believe this and ask in faith How can this hope be frustrated in me if that faith does not fail me from which it was born?
Better days Woody and I on the farewell tour of Hawaii Polynesian Cultural Center Laie Oahu Hawaii 2005
...That's not to say that we know nothing about the future, because we do. Before you and I close this book and call it a day, I thought you might want to know how it all turns out. After all, life leaves us in the dark about so many things. When we're little, we think we know what we want to be when we grow up, but when we are grown, many of us no longer have a clue. We walk down the aisle, and make promises "till death do us part..." but God only knows who will part first. Our babies take their first steps across the floor just to get to us, but we have no idea where life will take them. Or if they'll still like us when they get there. We're dianosed with a cronic diseases and coldly told the survival rates, but we have no clue where our numbers fall in those statistics We watch world news and squirm with the fresh realization that a sound mind isn't necessarily a requirement for becomming a world leader. We wonder how in heaven's name some maniac hasnt lost his mind and blown up the planet yet. We blow dry our hair and wonder if we are contributing to global warming. If we live long enough, and stay lugged in enough, we end up asking the same question our parents and grandparents asked: "what's the world coming to?" We shake our heads like no one has any idea. "
From the book " Get Out Of That Pit!" by Beth Moore Thomas Nelson Pub. 2007
Woody left this morning for California. Check in hand for the proceeds of the house. He has a good chunk of change. I wish him well. On saturday I met him at the estate sale people's place. We both received envelopes with tallies. My total was for far less than I had hoped. My heart sank as I looked at the total.I gave up a lot of stuff, good stuff and got pennies on the dollar for it. I had hopes that there would be funds to fix my car and to have Abi spayed, to go to the doctor and to perhaps buy a few new peices of clothing so I dont look like a scarecrow when I interview. Frankly it really doesnt matter. I need what God gives me. I have given it my best shot and now I need to really focus on finding a job and finding a way to care for myself and for Abigail. I also need to gather myself and really set my heart on the things God wants for me above all else.
Woody is ... such a mess. He has had several falls in the last week or so. He looks like he was rolled in a parking lot for his wallet. Black and blue, skinned knees, black eye. He has called me as usual but has had little to say. It is really over now. Even the shouting is done. As we walked away from the place he stopped me and promised he would call as he made the drive so I wouldnt worry.He gave me a cursory peck on the cheek, and walked to his car and drove off. I know he is angry about things, bitter towards me and the drinking is taking a huge toll. Now that I know what to look for...
I stood there for a moment and thought about the losses I have suffered. Woody, Mak and Nani, our home, our life such as it was. But the biggest loss to me is hope. I spent so many years hopeing for better, begging God to help us. Trying to love Woody to figure out how I could be a wife when so many things that a wife normally does to give aid and comfort to her husband were not acceptable to him. I am still at a loss to say why he married me, why he stayed married to me, and what he truly feels or ever felt. It is a mystery and one that will haunt me to the end of my days.
Looking at the empty house a few days ago, remembering the joy of its discovery and my hope that this would be the end of our journey and that we could enjoy a real life together...not perfect but peaceful and content. I know what happened and that it was my discontent that effected the change... Truly I must admit that was and is a good thing. The person that showed me this huge darkness and gapeing hole in my life left me for his new life sometime ago, but just knowing him as a friend showed me that there is more to this life than what I have experienced. He challenged me to let Woody go, to find my joy again, return to ministry and to allow God to deliver me from despair and bitterness... He was right. I live in such a poverty of soul that it frightens me to think much about the past few years. I am hard pressed to think about how I will get out of this mental/spiritual pit, but I am starting to work on that. It is my hope that soon I will be able to look back and see that this was just a dark valley, a time of germanation under the ground...a death that brings forth new life...
And like a play, you have entrances and exits. This play in three acts...act one called California, act two called Hawaii and act three called Arkansas is over... Woody has followed his script and exited stage left...I am sitting alone again, just as I was December 14,1993, in a pool of light on the stage of life, leading worship, working in the trucking business, closer to God than ever... this is how I am reframing my life now. I will do better than survive this time. It is my fondest wish that I find answers to the deepest questions of my life. I will work the Program, and I will strive to get well. I will accept what is, forgive and let go of what can never be, and detach from what I cannot change and is no good for me. Its a long and difficult road ahead...
And so it goes, this is now "the rest of the story"... my story continues on one day at a time.
Lest We Forget - American Cemetery Normandy The American Battle Monuments Commission administers, operates, and maintains twenty-four permanent American burial grounds on foreign soil. Presently there are 124,917 U.S. War Dead interred at these cemeteries, 30,922 of World War I, 93,245 of World War II and 750 of the Mexican War.
The World War II Normandy American Cemetery and Memorial is situated on a cliff overlooking Omaha Beach and the English Channel in Colleville-sur Mer, France. It is just east of St. Laurent-sur-Mer and northwest of Bayeux about one hundred and seventy miles west of Paris.
The cemetery contains the graves of 9,387 American military Dead, most of whom gave their lives during the landings and ensuing operations of World War II.
An S.A.S. Soilder's Prayer
I bring this prayer to You, Lord, For You alone can give What one cannot demand from oneself
Give me, Lord,what You have left over Give me what no one ever asks You for.
I dont ask You for rest, Or quiet, Whether of soul or body; I dont ask You for wealth, Nor for success, Nor even health perhaps, That sort of thing You get asked for so much That You cant have any of it left...
Give me, Lord, what You have left over, Give me what no one wants from You...
I want insecurity and strife And I want You to give me these Once and for all So that I can be sure of having them always Since I shall not always have the courage To ask You for them
Give me Lord what You have left over Give me what others want nothing to do with
But give me courage too... And strenght and faith For You alone can give What one cannot demand from oneself.
Lieutenant Andre Zirnheld (d. 1941)
Lt. Zirnheld was a college philosophy professor before WWII, in which he served in the British S.A.S.. This prayer was found on his body when he was killed in action in Lybia in 1941
The Lowly Barn... Imagine the King of the Universe being born here... near Rogers AR
Gloria In Profundis
There has fallen on earth for a token A God too great for the sky He has burst out of all things and broken The bounds of eternity Into time and the terminal land He has strayed like a thief or a lover For the wine of the world brims over Its splendour is spilt on the sand
Who is proud when the heavens are humble Who mounts if the mountains fall If the fixed suns topple and tumble And a deluge of love drown all- Who rears up his head for a crown Who holds up his will for a warrant Who strives with the starry torrent When all that is good goes down?
For in dread of such falling and falling The Fallen Angels fell Inverted in insolence, scaling the hanging mountain of hell But unmeasured of plumment and rod Too deep for their sight to scan Outrushing the fall of man Is the height of the fall of God
Glory to God in the Lowest The spout of the stars in spate Where the thunderbolt thinks to be slowest And the lightning fears to be late As men dive for a sunken gem Pursueing, we hunt and hound it The fallen star that has found it In the cavern of Bethlehem
"I was born Feb. 12, 1809, in Hardin County, Kentucky. My parents were both born in Virginia, of undistinguished families—second families, perhaps I should say. My mother, who died in my tenth year, was of a family of the name of Hanks.... My father ... removed from Kentucky to ... Indiana, in my eighth year.... It was a wild region, with many bears and other wild animals still in the woods. There I grew up.... Of course when I came of age I did not know much. Still somehow, I could read, write, and cipher ... but that was all A Short biographical sketch by Abraham Lincoln himself to a reporter."
Tonight I hear a man say that we shouldnt honor those fallen in war but rather those fallen in the cause of right and peace. I have mixed feelings about this statement as I believe that any one who chooses to put on this nations uniform is deserving of the nations gratitude...But what of those that served the cause of justice and preserving the peace? Yes the should receive all honor and respect but let us go first to that man that lead the nation through its worst crisis, and sacrificed much to lead our nation through a terrible war
As I walked around the Lincoln birthplace I was astounded at the primitiveness of the cabin and the surroundings. It was a rough life, a impoverished life on the frontier. But that built a character in Lincoln, that perhaps no other lifestyle would have. Now having lived in the region for a few years I know that the elements are harsh and that those that lived off of the land eked out barely an existence.
While living on Knob Creek near the road that ran from Bardstown (the territorial capital at the time) to "Hodgkins Mill" now Hodgekinsville) the boy Lincoln saw Slaves being driven to market, and solders going off to the frontier to fight the Indian. His Father was a tenant farmer, a sharecropper, who later moved his family to the Indiana territory so he could actually own the land he worked. Being of a lesser class and seeing how those even less fortunate than himself made an impression that lasted throughout his life. The inequalities of his day were innately wrong in his eyes even at a young age.
There is much more I could write but it is information that is well known. He was perhaps the most religious of any of our former Presidents, and he leaned heavily on his faith during the trials of his life. He prayed for inspiration, and I believe that God granted his requests. A poorly educated man, the work that framed his literary reference was the King James Bible. You can see that in his most famous work, a speech written in one draft on the back of an envelope with no corrections. ( I have seen that rough draft in Washington DC) But God and the Bible inspired this speech which I post for the Memorial Day...
The Gettysburg Address Gettysburg, Pennsylvania November 19, 1863
Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this. But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.
May God Bless our Service Men and Women today and especially those in harms way...
The Abraham Lincoln Birthplace Memorial,Sinking Springs farm, near Hodgkinsville KY. Inside this "temple" is a 16 foot by 18 foot mud and timber cabin that for many years was believed to be the cabin where Lincoln was born. Turns out that this was a newer cabin built about 1840, but nearly in the same spot as the older one stood
As I have time in the evenings I am continuing my studies in Catholic thought, and so have been reading both a novel about St Teresa of Avila as well as her own biography "My Life" I have found this anecdotal story in one of these as well as a book of her quotations. It seems to describe the situation that I find myself in
There was a Farmer who had a donkey that didnt mind him promptly and irritated him everyday. The donkey would finally do what he wanted and he did get a lot of work and profit from the beast, but he was annoyed at the way the donkey went about things. One day, the donkey, not watching what he was doing stumbled and fell into the well. The Farmer sighed, and said, "You know, I have just about had enough of this stubborn donkey that doesnt mind me so I will just bury it in the well and be done with it" With that, as the donkey was braying its distress, he got a shovel and began to fill in the well with dirt. His three sons hearing the donkey braying and seeing the father shoveling dirt into the well came running up and asked him why he was filling in their only well and what was the donkey doing in there. The Farmer snapped "Dont ask questions about what I am doing or why, just get a shovel and start digging. I am done dealing with this disobedient donkey. So the sons got shovels and started to help their father fill in the well
The Donkey, meanwhile, had stopped braying as dirt would get into his mouth when he had it open. He closed his mouth and shrugged off the dirt and rocks the muck and mire that was being thrown on top of him. Eventually the donkey was able to pull itself up and stand on the dirt that was being shoveled down the well. With every shovel full, he shrugged it off to his feel and scrambled up. This infuriated the Farmer who yelled to his sons to work faster. By nightfall, the men were exausted and the well was filled in. The Donkey scrambled out of the now filled in well and onto the grassy yard. He ambled out of the gate and into the pasture where he began to eat his fill of the sweet grass, to rest and be ready for another day...
Of course, St Teresa was the donkey and the Inquisitors were the Farmer and his sons. For me I am the Donkey and the Father and Son that run the school are the Farmer and his sons. Its a sad situation that I find myself in, families struggling with issues not really in their control, that may be causing them to not make the most rational decisions, is a painful deal.
But I have to be the one to shrug it off. I only have 7-8 more weeks that I have paid for. I need to make the very most of this that I can. I may not be able to stay for longer even though I would pay for the time. I know that I annoy him. Like the donkey I dont seem to be able to follow the directions with the alacrity that is expected. Partially it is because I do some process and do not think it is up to standard, then backtrack and do things over again and cause the instructor to think I am not doing the steps in order. I was told by him that he doesnt do One on One instruction, but then later he said that after every step he wants to see what I am doing... The rules change and it annoys him that I cant keep up, that I messed up the timetable by being sick all of those days and that I am not the shining star that the last two long termers were. Again I find that I am in a position of disapointing. People seem to have HUGE expectations of me that I can never meet and the disapointment tends to sour the relationship forever.
I found myself avoiding him, avoiding asking questions or disturbing him. Six weeks with this unstable manic depressive recovering alcoholic has turned me back into the cringing, people pleasing over acheiver that really wants to be invisible for fear of failure and ... well... Its sick and must end. There is too much at stake and I cant believe I can shed 20 years of recovery so easily. Like I told Woody, I am likely going to need therapy when this is over... pretty amazing.
On the other hand...I have found that God is no waster of anything. Perhaps I am going to learn at long last to trust Him hourly... To leave the day behind when I walk out the studio door at 5, knowing that it really will be a new day in the morning. No grudges seem to be held and the mood swings are so wide that its a given that it will be a a different place the next day. Again its all about trusting God with the future. I can literally feel my fingers being peeled off of my future, like a childs hands being pulled off a toy or a car door handle...one finger at a time. I am struggling against the Hand that is doing that peeling off, so that He can give me something better.
I know that I am learning something that will take me a lifetime to perfect. But with what I have now...even now I can go home and start my business and make a go of it. That is very exciting. I may not get the Certification that I wanted... but I have no diplomas in anything else that I do either. I just know that when I closed my mouth, stopped crying and looked at the peices that I have worked on, the happiness of future customers who can have their treasures back to enjoy will be affirmation enough. I am just plowing a field right now, the harvest will come after the labor has been put in...I can count on it
Again a great post from Robert Rhom. I have a terrible problem with change. My desire to work for myself is borne out of a desire to get settled on a job rather than do the thisplace thing and move from job to job every few months. I have experienced more change than most people but it hasnt gotten any easier for me. I found this writing helpful
Tip: Things won't always stay the same.
This past week, I lost a very dear friend. He was eighty-six years old and had been a close family friend for the past twenty-five years. He and my mother had grown up as childhood friends and renewed their friendship after my father passed away. We had spent nearly every Thanksgiving and Christmas together since 1988. His presence, which had remained a constant in my life until last week, will not be the same any longer.
All of us have had experiences where parents, brothers and sisters, children, loved ones or friends have gone their separate ways. Sometimes people move away and other times they pass away.
No matter what is going on in your life at this moment, it will not remain the same forever. If you are experiencing some good things in your life right now, relish them and enjoy them. Experiencing some of the happy moments in life with your family and friends can be wonderful.
However, you may be going through a difficult time right now. You may be in a job situation that you do not like, or your financial picture may seem very bleak. Just remember, things will not always stay that way. Something will happen to cause a bad situation to get better. You may get a new job opportunity or meet someone who is able to open a door for you that you were not expecting.
When I was in graduate school, I did not think it would ever end! It seemed as though all I ever did was go to the library, read and study. Now as I look back on all of that, it seems like a brief experience. What was once difficult for me is no longer part of my daily life.
When I think about the fact that things will not always be the same, it gives me a great deal of encouragement. That thought helps me to live in the present. I have come to realize that every day of my life is a unique expression of who I am and what is taking place around me. I want to enjoy it to the fullest. Each day is a day that will exist only once and then it will be gone forever.
I was talking to my daughter, Esther, recently and she told me that this thought helps her keep balance and perspective in her own life on a daily basis. I think that is healthy.
The people, events, circumstances and situations currently in your life, whether good or bad, will not last forever. I can assure you, in time, things will change. What you now look at as usual, will one day be unusual and part of the past. What is great for you will one day end. What is difficult for you will one day cease.
Begin today to look at every situation that is taking place in your life as though it will only last for a limited amount of time. Learn what you can from your present set of circumstances and grow in the area in which you are now planted.
It works for me and Esther, and I am sure it will for you as well.
I read this in my devotional today and liked it so we that I thought that I would blog it up
Only for today... I will seek to live the livelong day positively without wishing to solve the problems of all of my life at once
Only for today... I will take the greatest care of my appearance: I will dress modestly; I will not raise my voice, I will be courteous in my behavior;I will not criticize anyone;I will not claim to improve or to discipline anyone but myself.
Only for today... I will be happy in the certainty that I was created to be happy; not only in the otherworld but also in this one.
Only for today... I will adapt to circumstances without requiring all circumstances to be adapted to my own wishes
Only for today... I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul.
Only for today... I will do one good deed and not tell anyone about it..
Only for today... I will do at least one thing that I do not like to do; and if my feelings are hurt, I will make sure that no one notices.
Only for today... I will make a plan for myself:I may not follow it to the letter but I will make it. I will be on guard against two evils;hastiness and indecision
Only for today... I will firmly believe, despite appearances, that the good Providence of God cares for me as no one else who exists in this world
Only for today... I will have no fears. In particular I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe in goodness. Indeed, for twelve hours I can certainly do what might cause me consternation were I to believe I had to do it all of my life...
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