December 04, 2009
...Of Things Hoped For...
a Monarch Butterfly on route to Mexico Cape San Blas State park Florida
Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are... key moments, and life itself is grace.-Frederick Buechner
I am in the midst of maybe as a dear friend was often fond of saying to me...that I have been here so long is amazing but I sit here tonight one year ago I was seated at a folding table eating a meal prepared in my new kitchen full of hope for a new future... Little did I know what this was to mean. Divorce, the loss of Annabelle and my cats Makoa and KaNani, my prolonged unemployment and profund loss of friend family and community...
Yet through it all, God has been so faithful, I got work when I needed it and my needs true needs have been met. A roof and food and personal needs...
My work at Walmart.com has gone well, its been very very busy, and I have worked a lot of hours. I have found it very draining, as it seems like one call after the next is a fraud with distraught people...I find that I spend a lot of time with these people, getting them the proper information to get the police involved. This takes time. You are expected to crank out 10 orders an hour and more, going through thme with all of the security proceedures ect. Many of the hot shot top performers are doing no checking hardly just sending them on their way and let the fraudsters have their way. They like the applause at the weekly meetings, but they wont like it when the audits show how slipshod its been..., and there are people that over work it to death... I fall in the middle. I have received commendations for my Customer Service from customers calling back in which has been highly gratifying, and means more to me than number on a board that are as fraudlent as the dirty orders I cancel because of a stolen credit card used...
I tell you all this because I had a crisis of confidence, and complained bitterly to God about this while thing. I need this job, but I am just not as fast or as good and frankly I cant bring myself to cheat like the others... Cried all night long... and at dawn God spoke to me and asked me how I got this job in the first place...He gave it to me. Really. This wasnt some thing I even interviewed for. It just happened. God inspired a young man to call me out of a clear blue sky and it all came together...
I had a peace about this thought. That was two weeks ago. Then this week I learned that only 7 permanant full time positions will be filled. There are four temps from Walmarts temp service that have two years in, then another 15 people that I thought were permanant that are on contract like I am that have 6-9 months in. These folks are like supervisors and know so much more than I do...
You all can see the same writing on the wall I did... This is a temp job and will end and likely with in a month. Its very scary
Now God could intervein. God could make a way. All of those other could be passed over. But that isnt logical and I need to not expect it. I need to be gracious, finish well, and do my very best every day I am there. I have submitted my application and I am praying for Gods will to be done.
Everyone in charge knows my situation. That I was headed for the street, that I have no one to help me, no money left in savings... But why should they choose me over the three young fathers with brand new babies, the woman who drove from seattle to LA to take her kids to their father because her unemployment had run out from her state job and she was evicted from her home...she then drove to NW Arkansas to live with her parents who insult her everyday, threatening her with the street if she doesnt get work, or worse, The single mom, wife of a Iraq war vet who seems to only give this woman grief and a baby between tours of duty. He came home stayed just long enough to get the girl pregnant again number three (shes on the pill) and has run off, and is living under the bushes somewhere. The girl is living with her inlaws who have been out of work much of 2008-9... The M-I-L and Ashley are employed, and need these jobs...
We all need these jobs all 48 of us that have applied and worked our butts off to impress these people. I was standing aound with those that smoke and listening to this discussion. I was asked how I felt and I told the group, that I am praying like the rest of them...but I wanted them to know..."God is not not listening to me if I dont get this job...He is not punishing me or its not that you need it more than I do.The truth is that if this job is God's perfect will for my life He is going to give it to me...if its not I am not getting it. Its that simple.
It is that simple. Please keep me in your prayers. I am still looking for something else, but the work is very scarce right now and I fear a long cold winter is ahead of me.
I still have hope. My little tree is up and Abi is laying hers contetedly resting. I was received by the local church body last Sunday and I am still rejoicing that I am on a path spiritually that delights me. I went to Mass and wept through it it was that beautiful....Its been very cold here, so A friend bought me a set of fleece sheets so I am warm enough at night and Abi snuggles down with me and seems perfectly content. I need to learn that contentment, and trust in God. He will provide for me just as he has up till now, that is the evedence of things hoped for that I can depend on...
Labels: Catholic, Faith, Personal Growth, Quotable Quotes
