May 10, 2010

All of the News

A Dogwood Cloud Bella Vista AR

Again one thousand pardons for the long silence. My life is full Full Full Full and that is a very good thing. I also chose to take a sort of fast on all things computer including Facebook and blogging, and realize just how much time I have been investing in these past times… I also haven’t been watching as much tv either preferring to read and crochet in my spare time….But… All is well in 100 Acre Wood, and I will try to catch you all up on all of the news…

First I have posted some back posts on my Reception into the Catholic Church. I feel very different. When I think about the emptiness in my heart I try to remember that God not only resides within me spiritually but now physically in the form of the Blessed Sacrament. There are still some very hard times…as you will read but there are so many more good times that I just cant begin to count and I am so very grateful to God for this change in my life. I still have dark moments times when I feel like there is this oppressive darkness overshadowing me. I realize that I have to have time to do the grieving of a lifetime. It just takes time

Just before Easter I had a physical challenge unlike anything I have experienced in my life. As you might remember my teeth are really my great physical weakness. I am always having issues with them and with not having insurance it makes it very difficult to deal with. My dentist has been very kind, often seeing me for no charge or a very reduced fee. Two years ago before I left for Louisville I had a bunch of dental work done, one tooth was decayed up into the roots, the dentist cleaned it out and filled it and all seemed well with it, until it started bothering me around Christmas time. I went to see the dentist and we didn’t see anything.

Well the rotten tooth reared its ugly head and roared! I woke up one morning to the worst pain I have ever felt in my life… a screaming twisting pain that came in waves and left me feeling like I was going to have a heart attack. I got to the dentist that day. By the time I got into the dentist to see him I was swollen up from the top of my scalp clear down my left side of my face to my shoulders. My temperature was 103. The x rays showed the decay was back and that the whole tooth was infected, as was my jaw and all of the glands in the region. I was very very ill,… falling down ill for the first day or so. He prescribed antibiotics and Vicodin for the pain. He wanted me to stay home in bed, However I dragged myself to work every night, dosed myself on heavy drugs and kept on. The Antibiotics did their work and I had the tooth pulled a week later. It couldn’t be done any sooner because disturbing it would have sent infection up into my brain. My brain was already infected and had I had insurance I would have been hospitalized. My head was throbbing constantly and eating was impossible without feeling like I was going to just cave from the pain…

Finally I called in and arranged to have the surgery done. I had been on antibiotics for 5 days and the dentist thought that it would be ok to go ahead and pull it. He numbed me up but it still felt like my face exploded when he pulled it out. After the initial shock of it all, I was amazed at how much relief I felt once the tooth was pulled out, there was copious bleeding, but that let up in a few hours and the swelling and pain subsided right away. After months of discomfort and at times downright misery the relief was a Godsend. Its been good to be able to eat hot and cold things again and my diet is improving now. Cold fruits and salads no longer kill me, and hopefully my weight will start to drop again.

Work has been going very well. I still have a lot to learn but the managers are very kind and they praise me for my diligence and attention… The drivers love me and call in sometimes just to talk. I feel for these men and women. They are the backbone of this country and the most forgotten necessary workers we have in our economy. Like our soldiers, they are away from home for long periods of time. They are lonely sad and tired. Many have chosen this life as a last resort. I know two men who came to this occupation from homelessness. The truck provided work and a place to sleep at night. My heart goes out to them, when they say how they need to get home…their wives and children need to see them. I agree, but this is a trucker’s lot. I treat them like the soldiers that they are. I remind them that they chose this life and I try to find out where they are from. And quickly look up the unemployment figures for their town. Of ten just the reminder of the horrible job market where they came from is enough to get them to count their blessings and go forward. It certainly is enough for me, this small daily reminder. I count my blessings every day thanking God and my employer for my job.


I have finalized a lot of things. I had my court appearance for my Bankruptcy and it was approved. The Trustee had a few questions about my business and my timeshares in Florida that I am giving back to the Owners Association. All was well and he was satisfied with the presentation. I still have to take the on line finance course and it will discharge in July. It’s a relief to have this off of my back.

With my confirmation I am looking for ways to integrate with my new church. I go to Mass on Saturday evenings, and on Sunday mornings if I work the day before…My Saturday shift is once every four weeks and is grueling, so often I don’t even get up to get to Mass. Its excused as often I am so weary I am wobbling from fatigue. I keep the Sabbath and stay home with Abigail. Monsignor Scott is very supportive and is just glad that I seem to be so happy about my decision and I am.

He has a project that he wants me to work on and that is to prepare to tell my conversion story to the next RCIA class. Because they meet at night and I work at night we have thought about doing this by video recording in the talk show news magazine style a la The Journey Home, a show that runs on EWTN weekly that tells conversion stories with a call in question and answer format. We wont have an audience but I can trust that Msgr will have some good questions. I don’t know when I will do this but I thought that I would start working on the scripting as I can

I have also injected a creative venue into my life that is very new and a great opportunity. I have wanted to learn to crochet. I have wanted to do this for a long time, but never really just taken the plunge and tried it. So in January I bought some yarn and a book and gave it a whirl. Not so hot… Well on my way to the lawyers office I saw this place called the Crafty Cottage. They offer all sorts of crafts, knitting, crocheting, leather and pottery work, sewing and quilting. I called and got set up with a private instructor, a wonderful young mother named Tammy, who is patient and sweet and great at showing me the basics and allowing me the chance to make mistakes and learn. Its taking me time to learn. I missed a few weeks and found that I had forgotten much of what I had learned. She said “never mind!” and we started up again. Its my hope that we will get to a place where I can follow a pattern and make things for the holidays. I started by making a not quite round bright yellow ball for Abi which she loves… she also loves the balls of yarn and enjoys watching me crochet and wants to “help”. She really likes to sneek into my bag and fish out the spare balls of practice yarn and run about with them . This studio has all sorts of opportunities for me to try new things and I intend to take advantage as I have time.

Speaking of Abigail she has had some changes too. She was having lots of issues with her skin and coat, her pretty hair matting into a tease that my big hair girl friends would envy. She looked fat from the knots, and was becoming afraid of me, because when I would pet her I would try to pick at least one knot out. I was brushing, trimming, spraying no tangle stuff on her to no avail. Finally I had her shaved…to the skin. Just her pretty tail and top knot are left….Once she was freed from the mass of hair she was…tiny…maybe even underweight, and she became an even more outgoing, cuddly, loving dog. Everyone around me has noticed the change in her. She enjoys her walks more and I think is not so hot from trapped body heat. Its been almost 6 weeks since her “makeover” and the new growth is curly so she looks and feels like a little lamb, very soft and sweet…I will let the fur grow longer in the winter but I will likely not keep her in full coat again. Its just so time consuming to keep her grooming up that way and my little “wash and wear” doggie is a delight. I no longer worry if she wants to get in the mud, or if its wet out we just go walking and we go further and have more fun. If shes too dirty I take her in the shower with me once we get home from our walking trip…easy… She seems pleased with the change, though I got the distinct impression that she felt “nekked” for the first few days.

The beauty of this spring time has made my evening drives to work pleasant. Flowers and flowering trees are blooming everywhere. I have gotten the urge to plant things and have a few flower pots in my front yard. My drives to work and church are lovely pastoral journeys, that make me calm and only add to the feeling that life is very good. I have repaired my van, and when I have the time later on this summer, I hope to take road trips around the area and see things that I haven’t seen yet…

There is a fullness, a contentedness that I have not had before and I love this time I have for myself It is bliss and I am so happy about it .

Was it worth the long wait as I was job hunting?…yes. Like my pastor friend said “ When God closes one door He opens another…its just hell in the hallway…” and yes it was…But the worse days are behind me, the gentle successes is easing the lines off of my face and the soreness out of my heart. Life is good, very good at Peartree Cottage. Thank you for your prayers… they have been answered

Labels: Abigail, Bella Vista, working

March 14, 2010

The Lenten Journey

Late Spring at Lake Norwood Bella Vista AR

Yes its been quite a while. I had a birthday while I was away and that went well. My friend Diane took me to dinner and to see the brilliant choral group Kapelle she also gave me a nice gift of a car emergency kit, something I can really use with my 60 mile a day drive

I am sorry that I have neglected my blogs, but time escapes me... I am living life rather than writing about it, praying and preparing for my first Reconciliation which is this week. I only have to confess up to the point of my baptism in 1990. That leaves a multitude of sins I need to forget and a multitude that need confessing, so I shall do that on the 17th.

In between times of reflection there is work, which is going along well. I still have much to learn, I made a goal to learn three new procedures every week. I run around begging for help to get my work done, because the training program is non exist ant. But I choose to not let that stop me and I get through my evenings, and one day I will be as proficient as anyone else there...The men have been better about things and I will have another lady on the shift soon. Im very excited about this.

Working there is a daily test of my willingness to put into practice the things I have learned in Ala Non. Most importantly I am responsible for my feelings and how I react to things around me... And if I say something in all good faith and someone takes it wrong it is not my fault or worry that this other person feels bad. Or if these men misunderstand that as a woman I have feelings and stress might just make me cry once in a while.

Mostly I smile and type away all night. I am so happy to have this job...I fear that somehow like so many of the good things of my life's journey, it will suddenly be ripped away from me and all will be lost...So I work hard, I have a full work load now, and often I fall behind... I am not as fast a typist as the others, who have been there for a long time, but by the end of the day or night as it were I get caught up and all is well.

I am trying very very hard to live in the moment...to make every moment count, every financial decision count, spend money very wisely... To not think too far ahead. I try to just enjoy the day and not think about tomorrow for it may never come.

I heard from my lawyer, and can sign the bankruptcy papers and file within the week. I have prayed about this and while I feel terrible about the money, I see no other way. No one will work with me and the int rest has gone up so high that I can never hope to pay it all back. There is so much that I need from medical care to car repairs. I see no help for it...

I have also started my annulment from Woody with his blessing. What I thought would be a slam dunk due to the circumstances of my civil divorce. But it is going to be the same long process as the first one. I am discouraged about this but will submit myself and try this again. I don't know how this will turn out...I have no witnesses to offer support for my case I have neither family nor friend from the time I was married... I will start looking at people here but it will be difficult to say the least. I shall have to be creative. I want to get this done as soon as I can, because Woody is in a very unstable situation, and may disappear off the face of the earth

It must seem to some that read my blog that I am in the same position, but no, I shall be here for a good long time. NW Arkansas is my home. The beautiful snowy winter has been a trial but also a blessing as well, and has shown me the rightness of my decision to stay here and try to make a life here.... I know I have grown as a person. I am choosing to take along all that is good in my life and leaving behind all that hinders or is burden rather than a blessing... to that end....In the time that I have been away my comment generator has been replaced with a different system that is not really compatible with my elderly blogging platform. I am going to switch to Blogger commenting in the coming days. The loss of over 1700 comments on this blog is painful but I don't want a system that will allow the random posting of photos and videos on my blogs. I am hoping to get this upgrade in soon... And I am seriously considering ending my journal My Wide Blue Seas completely and moving to a new blogging home. The number of posts (over 1400) many with photos makes for a large blog. I also question the relevance of this blog to my new life and would a new blog allow for a fresh vision. Its an interesting idea and one that I am seriously looking at...

And so it goes. My Lenten journey with its reading, fasting, and deep prayers has been a good one and I look forward to seeing where God leads in coming days

Labels: Blogging, Catholic, faith working, working

February 15, 2010

A Familiar Foreign Land

My Winter Wonderland Metfield Bella Vista AR

I am now into my third week on my job. In many ways things are going very well. I love my hours and the work is not the most difficult I have ever done...In fact the job at Walmart.com perhaps was more difficult, the pressure of the quota, the thought that peoples lives were about to be turned upside down when I would have to tell them that there identity had been stolen bore down heavy on me.

What I do now night after night is to comfort, console and direct over the road drivers, many of whom have been out away from home for weeks at a time. I am using a computer program that is based on AS400, so it looks like hieroglyphics on screen after screen and makes no sense at the first glance. I need an interpreter, and the men I am working with have been charged with that role...

Working with drivers and trucking is in my blood and bones. Since I was 11 years old as I told in this post Peaches To Winnepeg. I have heard the siren song of the 4 lane highway for as long as I can remember...the road trip is my idea of royal progress. And for those of my readers who dont get it, just stop into any big box store that had incresed your standard of living. Thank Joe and Jane Trucker for all of that stuff you buy. This is well known familiar place. I speak the language, and when I see the drivers here in NW Arkansas to go to our Driving School, or just pulled in for a load of Chicken from Tyson, or to get a tractor repaired or upgraded... I smile understanding the difficulty of their lot, thankful that they choose to do this work, and I do what I can to assist them. The problems hastles and considerations of this life are well known to me.

But the structure of the company, how they divide the duties and what are the priorities and corporate culture, this is new. I have never worked in a situation where they divide the duties the way this place does, and a lot of it I dont get yet...

The training has been spotty, and its been peppered with "Hey I dont have time for you to write notes down on this either you get it or you dont..." Which of course is a crock. I finally had them assign me some boards to watch which generate driver activity, I answer emails mostly, and ask a lot of questions. Sometimes I get answers... sometimes I try to wing it and it works out or it doesnt. It is a problem and as the week went on I found it harder and harder to swallow... They want me to fail and the smirk on one face when I told my supervisor out loud that after two weeks I hardly know how to sign on to the system told me this.

The truth is that the "tribe" doesnt want "Wendy" in the treehouse. She is like Mom, her presence spoils their fun, that cant cuss talk trash about women, goof off and not look at me and feel like guilty morons. I say nothing about this stuff, I dont comment or react. I cant afford to lose this job. I press on feeling like the enviroment is growing more and more hostile.

Finally it came to a head the other night when the pressure was on and things went going very well. We all had issues to deal with. I was getting very little help...The guy in front of me kept slamming his chair into the partition and my desk so hard that coffee was spilling not once but at least a dozen times, much cursing and muttering about how stupid drivers customers, the day shift...

Then I heard a comment about a "stupid bitch" and another guy said something about the cusser having sex with her...They went back and forth louder and louder with the most horrible violent statements against women I have heard in public in a long time... I was shocked. None of them looked at me as they were doing this but I was sitting right there. One of the two supervisors came running in and Shouted "Enough" and asked if I was alright. I guess I looked pretty bad,and shook my head. I was taken out of the room to a private office.

I was asked if I wanted to report the incedent..."I need this job," I told this man. "I cannot afford to make waves that might go against me, but this was intentional sexual harrassment, and I wont tolerate it. I need it understood that I am allowing you to deal with it tonight but the next time I will go over your head on this. I wont take the "Boys will be Boys nonesense..." "Nor will I accept the "We arent running a Sunday School in here line" He said he understood that... I also told him that should any of these guys decide that I am fair game for any of the things they ranted about tonight that I am not responsible for how I will choose to react or defend myself. I shouldnt have to even say this but since you have a bunch of animals in there I have a right to use a stick on them... He said he understood.But he didt promise that it wouldnt happen again...

I understand that the guys got a dressing down that was composed of... "You sorry bags of trash are lucky you still have a job, if it ever happens again you will lose your jobs... I know that the next evening was pretty quiet...Fine with me

I dont need to be accepted, I just need this job. The manager that talked to me has taken over the training and I have been told that my expectations are a lot higher than the company's...To relax and suit up show up and dont let the jerks ruin a good opportunity. I have been here before. in the late 80's when they could still hang nude photos up in warehouse offices and called it freedom of expression When I had to take the ladies room key that was attached to a 2 foot peice of pipe with a chain, not to keep it from getting lost but to use as a weapon against an attacker that might be hiding in the bathroom on the dock. It is a familiar foreign land that I thought never to visit again. But I am determined to settle there to thrive and improve the situation. It seems to be what God has called me to do and I am content in doing it.

Labels: Scenic Arkansas, weather, working

January 30, 2010

Turning The Corner

Glowing lights in the snow...Peartree cottage Metfield Bella Vista AR

Im living in a winter wonderland. Over 36 hours we had about a foot of snow here. Not a record but enough to really mess things up for driving and the like. I have been housebound for several days, and have enjoyed the quiet time

I have had a wonderful turn of events. After several weeks of prayer, interviews, hopes then dispair of not hearing an offer of employment was made to me by a local transportation company. I am working as a driver manager on the swing shift 430 pm to midnight 5 days a week, then one 10 hour saturday every four weeks. Its a longer drive than most people would make here but it being off hours, it is not a problem for me. The compensation is good, and the insurance is very good. I was so grateful that when I got the message from the HR guy I literally passed out... I came to on the couch a few minutes later I was so relieved and released from the stress of wondering what was going to happen to me...

Its a interesting place, there are a number of people there that I know, but none of them are the reason I got this job. Its was totally a matter of Gods hand guiding this and frankly I see it as ideal...My transition into the work group has been a touch awkward but nothing I cant handle. I am the only women on the shift and that has made for interesting moments... They dont have a training manual and dont really know what to do. The computer is counter intuative (AS400 based) I have been there a week and have had only 30 minute of computer time and perhaps can answer the phone. Ive been told not to worry about it, the man that is responsible for training me said it was three months or so before he felt that he had it down

The storm this week caused me to leave early on thursday and not go in on friday as the roads were so bad. Im told this will not have a negative impact on my job retention. I was worried because I dont want to be perceived as a wimp, however I cant afford an accident and to damage my van. The ice layer on my van was nearly 2 inches thick at 9 pm so they boosted me out as soon as we were able to chemically melt the ice off my windshield, it took me over two hours to drive the thirty miles home

I feel very differently from the way I did even three weeks ago. The sense of relief, and the ability to start to think about my future is incredible. I can start to address my way past due bills, and the now defunct contract to buy this house. I have no desire to move closer to my job like many of co workers, especially with enjoying the beauty of the snowfall...its worth the inconvienience of bad weather and the drive late at night. So I am praying about buying the house I am currently living in. I will be able to afford it eventually

Working at night has many advantages not just the easier drive. I love being able to awaken naturally in the mornings, to be able to have time for prayer and meditation, walks with Abigail...(weather permitting)and the morning Al Anon meeting on fridays...My days are relaxed and natural so my stress level is so much lower even though I still had first week jitters.

All of the evening activities like RCIA are going by the by. I am meeting with Msgr Scott to finalized the date for my First Confession, which will be different than the rest of the class as I will be coming during the day... again I like the idea that I will be able to take my time and do this right, I have been waiting for this for a long time.

Im also having to give up my home group Al Anon meeting, and a few other activities but again it is really a small trade off

I feel like I have exhaled and turned the corner. I will never take a job for granted and never take the fact that I have a job and am taking care of myself, means that someone else isnt really trying. My choices wont be based on the needs of another but on what I need. I fear that I have a big decision coming that will be hard for some to accept, but I will pray it through and then do what I think is best

I heard a song today that sums up where I have been in this last year and where I want to go on to

Hands

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear

My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken

Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after
We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
I am never broken

In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray

My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
We are never broken

We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's mind
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's heart
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's eyes
We are God's hands
We are God's hands

Jewel

Im grateful to God for His provision I missed neither a meal for want of food nor appointment for want of gas. I sold a great many things but nothing I cant live without. I am so glad, so thankful for all of your prayers and support.


Swathed in snow Peartree Cottage

Labels: Breaking News, Pear Tree Cottage, Poem, working

January 01, 2010

We’ll Take A Cup Of Kindness Yet

Snowy Pasture Benton County Arkansas

Post completed 1-3-09

"Your life has taken many a difficult turn, but now a year later, you have come through, you have stood the test, have kept the faith. Your life is now a blank canvas, ready for The Lord and you...YOU (as she gently poked me with her finger)To create a new picture... to paint a new vision... Dont let ANYONE else paint on it..."


Sandy Andrews, on the feast of All Saints, when she returned to FUMCBV to remember the life of her departed husband Dr. Ed Andrews nearly one year after his death

Its a..
A New Day
A New Week
A New Month
A New Year
A New Decade

Like the Magi, we have discovered a star—a light and guide in the sky of our soul. “We have seen his star in the east and have come to worship him.” We have had the same experience. We too noticed a new light shining in our soul and growing increasingly brighter. It was a desire to live a fully Christian life, a keenness to take God seriously.

- St. Josemaria Escriva

I am out of a job and am a lady of leasure as of yesterday at 4 pm. I was ready to go. It wasnt a surprise. I made a decision that people were more important than production, names and stories rather than numbers and production. My stats went down and the decision to retain was in the end made just by the numbers. Im ok with that. I am afraid a little but I know God is with me and will provide for my needs

I have made a decision that I will be true to my God and his principles, True to my faith and the principles of the Church, and perhaps most importantly and as part and parcel to that which has proceeded... I will be true to myself, my needs, my feelings and my values... To have stayed on "top" at Walmart.com, meant I would have had to cheat, cut corners and ultimately sell out to the machine. I couldnt do that. My young up and coming boss was fired three weeks ago for fudging the numbers for the team...the others will be found out. I got a glowing letter of reccomendation and direction on how to find jobs with walmart. I will be working that job board heavily in the comming days

I also interviewed at a local trucking company. It was a three hour interview with a man who had been "meaning" to call me. I find the timing facinating... Its about as far away as any place I have interviewed so far... the only carrier futher away is CTI up in Joplin, but that cannot be a consideration...The manditory 45-50 hour work week cant be a consideration. Abigail locked in a cage day in and out cant be a consideration. I have to work. If the job is a success I will move closer to the terminal... which means not being so stuck on this house that I buy it and be locked in...everything is subject to re evaluation

I have come to some major decisions Nothing that was important before matters in 2010. Everything is up for grabs and for reconsideration...This includes relationships, prior commitments, and agreements. Nothing is going to be left "as it was" I cant afford that anymore.

First and foremost...Who or what is King in my life, and if Jesus is King in my life, and I have seen His star before me..the "Hokulea" the Star of Gladness, how committed am I to following that Star?... I was challenged both in a AA meeting I attended New Years Day and listening to Charles Stanley last night, that its not about the miricle of sobriety or just faith...you have to live it out,... accept the gift of salvation and releationship with God, but you have to do it, and that requires trust and obedience... As Dr. Stanley said, "How can you have relationship with someone you dont trust, you arent honest with, and are in rebellion to?" The answer is you cant be. My life with Woody was filled with these negative things. We had no trust, no transparency and because of the lack of love and understanding it made it impossible to not "rebel" so to speak against the other. I know he balked at anything and subtilely sabataged my efforts at a sober life and I found myself cursing him in my heart constantly as his lack of care of any part of our life together sucked the very will to live from my being. I found myself less and less willing to try to trust God because it seemed like I prayed and prayed for good and light as my heart grew darker and darker

The same with sobriety...Im pretty proud of the fact that I have now 21 years of sobriety but..have I been living a sober life? Its more than giving up the bottle, the condom, and the straw... Its living out The Steps, Traditions and Concepts which I havent done. I have tried to hold it together through sheer force of will, and as that crumbled, I found myself addicted to "love" and "hate" I fell in love with a man I can never have, just thinking about him gave me a buzz, and my daily cursing of Woody fueled a rage that became an addiction as strong as crack...Both of them are like crack really and just as lethal.

I am done with all of that. Woody has failed to contact me since he was here in November. We are done. I thought we could be friends but he wants to go his own way and the frustration of seeing him drink himself to death is not something I need in my life. If you are reading this farewell, I miss the you I used to know, not what you have turned into.

Mr. Wonderful left this area because of a job transfere last year. We have talked a few times but again nothing for a long time. He has moved on. For all of our sakes I need to move on as well. Let him go. I hear about how his family is doing though others he is in closer contact with, and its like a knife twist that I dont see him, yet we both know this would be a very bad idea...The emotions are fading and this makes me sad too. Farewell, my friend, have a wonderful life, you have earned it and deserve it. Thank you for being there for me when no one else was


Knowing him has been a bond with life, and a catalyst for change in my manner of living . He has a beautiful life, and in no way would I ever want to disrupt that. I need to be happy for the good times and have no regrets...

Lest you think this is about beating poor Hoku up, let me ease your mind. This will be the last said about any of this. I really am done with it all. There is a part of me that just wants to be free and I shall be. I have poured that New Years Cup of Kindness for myself as 2009 passed into 2010...as I listen to Christmas music even now Jan third and will likely leave my tree up till tax day cause I love it so.

I want to do things that will make me happy...even if they are hard or dont make sense to the rest of those around me. Its going to take a lot of work but its going to be worth it.

I believe in resolutions...goals more like... I have a few already thought up and mentally agreed upon for this year. They are:

Nothing is off the table with regards to what is best for Hoku...I have spent my whole life doing for others or what others thought was best for me. This year, in the face of great adversity I have tried to do what is best for me, and that will continue even if the costs rise in the interim...

I will pursue my faith...My faith is my primary vocation...and worship, how I worship, where I worship is very important. I currently minister in a church that is getting harder for me to be a part of. I will eventually have to decide if I continue there or withdraw completely in favor of either exclusivly attending the Catholic Church, or staying a hybrid and attending a evangelical church as well. I have a standing invitation to come to another body, a Disciples of Christ Church like Beargrass Church in Louisville where I attended while in Louisville. Sandy, the lady quoted above moved there after the death of her husband. That is if I feel the need for the teaching one gets in a protestant church, I might get plenty by utilizing the internet and books...I can also pray for change at FUMCBV, but right now there are enough difficulties that a move may be necessary even though I would miss my friends and leading worship terribly...

I will read 10 "Important" books. Not necessarily "classics" or "serious" works but I want to read books that will have a lasting effect on my thoughts and life.

Book 1 is in progress it is Jon Sweeny's "Almost Catholic". This book is for any person interested in Christian spiritual practices, not just Catholics or those that are in Catholic formation. Mr. Sweeney is High Church but not Catholic, his words say page after page things I have tried to say to those that are opposing my entering Holy Mother Church, that litugical practice frees us from the tyranny of the freedom to make our own way in the world spiritually and wondering if we are getting it right. I have experienced this first hand as I was run out of the ministry because I no long fit with the program... I watched a dear friend suffer at the hands of an abusive pastor because his worship leadership was not "cutting edge" enough..whatever that meant... You need structure and some foundation to build upon...

anyway those that read this blog please give me ideas, and list books at the end of this post that have impacted your life that you think would benefit me in my journey

I will file for bankruptcy, its no longer an option. I am being threatened with more than a lawsuit by a creditor right now. I will try to see a lawyer this week. Its not a matter either of pride or being a deadbeat. Its kinder to just get it overwith to everyone.

I will learn to crochet this year. I have a skein of yarn and a j hook and can chain stitch sort of already...

I will watch less tv and listen to more music, read more books and cruise Facebook less

I will be kind to myself.. I will say "I am worthwhile...I am worthwhile..." as many times as needed. I will never again visit the Walmart gun counter... I dont need to do that no matter who will be the first person to get that phone call...

I will be open to dating... I will be open to possibilities

Most of all... I will drink of the cup of kindness, weither given to me by friend or stranger, God or myself, and I will drink deeply and enjoy its fruits. I will also choose to pass that cup to all that I meet for God would have it so

Labels: AA, Catholic, Church, Faith, faith working, IN, Louisville, Praise and Worship, Relationships, Scenic Arkansas, Woody, working

December 24, 2009

Chritsmas Canceled

Christmas Color Cooper Chapel Bella Vista

"Hoku, I dont know if you were planning on coming but all services at First Church are canceled due to weather..." I listened to the message on my phone disappointed, the weather was turning foul as we all left work early to beat the onslaught of damp cold....

I drove the mile down J street to St. Steven, Msgr. Scott was at the door, I pulled into the portages, and was told that mass would be said at 5 but the candlelight mass at 10 pm would likely be canceled..Christmas Day who knows...Somewhat dejected I drove away...

My friend Diane has other plans for Christmas Day...The community dinner at First Church a tradition in this city of strangers far from family and friends, so that single people, people living too far from family, would have a place to go on this most family oriented of days...will likely be canceled... For reasons best kept close to my heart, I was hoping to do something else...this was an event utterly transformed by our former pastor and his wife who love to cook and entertain a crowd. They saw it as a special ministry to those of us that had no place else...and it was an event, to say the least ...last year I was able to assist them in this and had the best time...I dont know if I can go to this years, if I will be bothered by the lack of color and drama, But I will go rather than stay home alone...

And so, as the snow drifts around my door I am grateful for the light and warmth in my little cottage...As I watch the midnight mass on EWTN grateful for the luxury of this mini cable package I have I found myself thinking about how Christmas has been canceled for a lot of people in one way or the other...

The word "cancel" is a big part of what I do on my job. I cancel orders because they are fraudulent, because they are wrong and I cant change them, or because the people dont want them anymore...but mostly I cancel orders that have expired. They are orders that have been sitting in my pending that we have called to verify for three days... People often call back after the order has expired, none too happy that they arent getting their stuff, sometimes they dont call they replace the order on the web site or wait and wait...Some of the stories of canceled orders broke my heart. I would hear the phrase over and over
"Please dont tell me it is canceled..."

"Please dont tell me it is canceled... the website gives a tracking number but it never moved out of the warehouse...this is my daughters last Christmas, we dont expect her to make it throught the next round of Chemo...She still believes that God will heal her...she still believes in Santa Claus. The color she wanted is out of stock..I dont care if it is blue or pink, I just need one, she has wanted it all year long..."
Im in billing and not customer service, and cant do a lot but I can call someone who can. I called Customer service and the guy took one look at the botched order, heard the story and whipped Santa's reindeer into shape and the little blue guitar was on its way to a very sick little girl who may not ever learn to play it but if it gives her comfort then it is all worth it.

Please dont tell me its canceled again..." a young woman exasperated and beside herself cried into the phone. you are the fifth person I have talked to I dont know what to do... I have tried to buy this engagement ring 4 times now... The wedding is Jan 6, my fiance is going to Afganistan and wants us to be married before he goes, he doesnt need the extra burden of a problem with the ring...

Ring? Rings I know...I ask what the problem seems to be as I look up the order. "I cant seem to get my size in time..." I was speachless. Sizing is not a big deal. I tell her I would call her back in the morning. I called the fufillment center that ships the jewelry. A guy answered the phone...I asked him about the order. Sure enough, they have size 8 and size 10...By then I have a picture of said ring on my monitor. It can be sized down easy... I asked if the had a bench jeweler on site. He said yes...I said "So, size the 10 to a 9 and ship it, these kids need our help..." "Cant do that cant ship altered merchendise as new..." I snapped, "Look this isnt rocket science and if Tiffany's will size a peice prior to sale so can we... The wedding is Jan 6 they have been trying to get this for a month..." By then I have an audience surrounding my pod of co workers, "Look take a 10 put it in a ring clamp, split the shank at center with a cutoff blade, you remove enough materiel for one size soldier together polish and steam. Easy I can do 15 an hour and Im an amature. He stammered, "But.." I said.."DO IT...this is not going to be a return." I thanked him and hung up. I got a standing ovation from my co workers... I called the little bride the next day...She was in tears..." Mam'm it is so beautiful and it fits perfectly" They must have shipped it out within an hour of our conversation. I am coming to believe that many of life's problems can be solved, often all it takes is finding someone who cares and will listen to you

A quiet, voice almost a whisper says "Please, Please tell me they arent canceled...I ask for a number, and pull up her order. "They cant be canceled, I couldnt call... my husband died two days ago and... I tell her we at Walmart are sorry for her loss. My boss comes over and listens in. "It wass my husbands wish to help each of our grandkids this holiday by buying them a new laptop. He dictated a letter to each child and I have those but I need the computers...." My boss unpluged her headset and went to her desk and did a shipping upgrade and began to release the orders. Ten top of the line laptops. Maggie gave me the thumbs up. I sat with the widow for a few minutes, allowing time for a cry and some encouragement to go her way...

Sometimes it takes but a little time to listen and be wiling to stick our necks out a little to create a miricale... I have learned this Chistmas season that it is all about love and giving of one's time. I know that Chistmas is brighter for these and many others I worked with this past few weeks. No matter what happens, including being let go at the end of next week...Yes Im getting a pinkslip for Christmas, its all about people, and being there for them so that they dont feel "canceled"

In the mean time I need to find a new purpose for my life. I fell that my life is "canceled" "aborted at shipment" "out of stock" "fraud" I know that God has something in mind for me I just need to listen and remember that there are no canceled lives in His great plan

Labels: Faith, faith working, Personal Growth, working

August 29, 2009

Angels Watching Over Me

Angels watching over me... the angel fountain at Mt Sequoya conference center, Fayetteville AR

"...What we all see now is history repeating itself. The only blessing this time is that there aren’t any children involved. Enough damage was done to you for several lifetimes. You refuse to see what is before you. Your attitude is one of martyrdom and denial, not recovery and survival. Hiding behind your religion is a sin. Waiting for God to rescue you, yet turning away offers that don’t amount to what you want or think you deserve is also a sin. Pride and a sense of entitlement is not recovery. Every time something goes wrong or not the way you have planned you blame it all on someone else. Faith is a foundation for building a life, you are using it as a crutch to continue limping through your misery just like your mother always did
I know that if you’ve actually read to this point you’re angry. That’s OK. Maybe anger will drag you into reality. I’ve realized that my positive support has only enabled you to continue in your unhealthy delusions. I love you, I always have, I always will but I will no longer enable your self-pity. The offer of help is always open. We will never turn our backs on you. You are not alone, but like salvation, you must accept help to receive it...."


What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see. God gave his approval to people in days of old because of their faith.
By faith we understand that the entire universe was formed at God's command, that what we now see did not come from anything that can be seen.
So, you see, it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that there is a God and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him. Hebrews 11:1-3,6

Im probably going to get in trouble for writing this but I have found that sometimes communication by blog is more effective than an email...and of course, its my blog and if you dont like it dont read it...

I wasnt going to write about it. In fact I wasnt going to say anything at all. I found myself frozen in my soul at the verbiage that was tossed at me in these two emails received from a family member that I have opened up to trusted and believed understood me... I know that she loves me and means well but it is very obvious that she sees me thought the dirty lenses of a past that I didnt have much to do with. I feel too that getting this out will help me to free myself from the shame and blame that I seem to be shackled with by people that I care about.

Two weeks ago I was feeling very low and I sent off a email to this relative. I tried to express the fact that I feel that she has come a long way and no matter how bad her life was she still had the consolation of her sons,her parents, our extended family, and now her husband, who I do think is a great guy and I totally respect his stepping out to start a business ect.... where as I dont have that support at home and feel very alone. I have been though a lot in the past few months and wished that I had had kids to focus on. Yes it would have been harder but I wouldnt be alone...I would have a living part of myself beside me. Treasures, your kids are, even if they are not doing as well as you might want...

We have all fired off an ill conceived email, one that is not clearly written or written in haste. Sometimes the repercussions outweigh anything that was written, or tweeted or facebooked...Well this one brought up a back blast that I could not have dreamed would have happened. She feels that I have rejected her, slapped her in the face verbally and somehow demeaned the family that is "trying to help me" ( I havent gotten a play by play on how this "help" is supposed to work. I kinda think this might be part of the problem, I dont understand what "help" they want to give me, that I have somehow rejected...) That I am ungrateful, sick,blame everyone for my problems, and floundering in a past I left behind a long time ago, was the thrust of the entire message.

I have not put out there the portions of the email that scathingly detailed how the family came to the aid of my family as my father was waiting for Social Security Disability...it took three years to get that. I was 7-9 and obviously had no decision making ability with regards to what my parents did or didn't do. In fact neither did she, as we are the same age. What this was was an attempt to hurt me with a weapon that she knew would hurt me, the shame I feel when I think of my life growing up, in a church where because my Dad drank at all, and both of my parents were to a degree Bi-polar, we were looked down upon, and actually called the "church basket case family". Imagine living with that moniker attached to you?... I think that was really low...And it shows a huge misunderstanding of what our day to day lives were like. While our lives were certainly not Ozzie and Harriet, or even normal, the situation was not stereotypical either. We had good times and bad, happy and sad times, and we laughed a lot. My father was a sad drunk. Not an abuser, not a wife beater...just sad... His mental illness made it impossible for him to hold down a job, as the medications he took only partially helped him cope. So he drank to self medicate. Now, He promptly surrendered his monthly checks to my mom, and didnt rush off to a bar and spend it all on himself. He cared, in a way, that we were provided for, which is more than most drunks do. There was an option my mother could have tried, she could have joined Al Anon, as she was encouraged to do. She could have stopped buying him booze but she chose not to do that and enabled him. Her choice not mine. But I had food and a roof, and security. Things I do not take for granted today with my situation like it is... Yes, My mother clung to her religion all right but she was a schemer and a conniver as well. She was not willing to live within her means, and would spend in excess of her bank account, then expect a bailout. It was embarassing. I swore that I would never live that way and for the most part I have done that. She professed a faith but in practice she plotted and planned every stinking thing, if it didnt go her way she forced it. This is a true sign of Codependency, and she was one to the inth degree.

She learned this control thing from her mother who I believe was married to an alcoholic who got saved and gave up the bottle... Perhaps her grand parents were drinkers or some sort of impaired individuals, I will never know, what I do know is this, control was the name of the game and while we didn't have the boundaries we should have had in a lot of areas, we had some interesting house rules that color my affairs even today.

All of that being said, I am aware of my mother's issues. Her issues are not necessarily my issues. I have my own issues, they are all I am responsible for. I have a Program and daily I chose to work it, with varying degrees of sucess. I have lived a strong armed sobriety for 20 plus years. that isnt the best way to do that. I want to learn to Live and Let Live by faith and grace this time... One thing I am doing that she never did is trying to live One Day At A Time. Not allowing myself to worry so much about the future. I am concerned of course, that is what drives me out to look for work or something I can put my hand to to earn a living. God promises in His Word that he will give me my daily bread. That is Faith, not denial of reality. By chosing to stay chemically clean and sober, this means no alcohol, drugs, either perscription or street kine, I choose to live and feel all of my emotional pain and learn to deal with it in a orderly fashion. And I am doing it. That isnt denial, that is living a tough reality. I dont need Speed to wake up, a cocktail to wind down, and a downer to sleep. I need to get up when the alarm goes off, get my butt into the shower, and get the heck out there, its going to be a great day, and if its not fake it.

Because the alternative is not acceptable.

One sad thing is that when I answered the email. I cced several of my mother's sisters as well. I wanted to thank them in a public sense, for the love and concern that they showed me and mine during my younger years..I thought that if they had something to say they would at least acknowledge it...Not a thing. Truth is that if they cared they would contact me. For the mmost part, I am the one that tries to contact them... I dont blame them, they hardly know me. But that is the point isnt it? I have longed to be a part of the family, but for that to happen there needs to be a two sided communication, and that hasnt happened, not by phone, letter, email or facebook. I think its really sad.

Consequently, I feel alone. That is a feeling that I think is valid. Perhaps the reason now is that I need them more than ever, but they are afraid that like my Mother, who begged for extra money from every hand that would give it right up to the end, that I am the same way. Well, Im not. From the time I was out on my own till today I have stood on my own two feet, worked my butt off and asked for nothing from anyone. Now for the first time in my life, I am out of work, and facing homelessness, and asking for help. Not for a lifetime, but only until I get work and you can bet your sweet life that EVERY penny would be paid back. I dont want to be beholden to anyone. In truth all I want is work, I dont need to be taken care of, I dont need a money manager. I have lived on 12,000.00 since December with the few days of work I have gotten thrown in. Up until this month all of my bills and creditors were paid to date. I stuck it out here and got my house sold and the foreclosure off of my record. I think I am a damn good financial manager, what I am not is a good mate selector. And we have all been there as well.

So now that I have written my manafesto, I need to say one thing. I am tired. Its been a long haul to get to this point. I have done it while trying to muster up as much courage, dignity and grace as I can.I am responsible for whatever I did to get myself into this position, mostly loving and trying to live with someone that was not capable of empathy, and lived a secret life. I live with my mistakes and have tried to make amends where I can. From California to Hawaii to NW Arkansas and perhaps other places I have made the Journey. I have as Paul said, "fought the good fight.." there are a lot of times I want to lay it down and not get up. But I get up. I have over the past two years considered suicide as an option... Well I am still here...and living life "Just For Today" is helping me to get through that.

If belief in A God Who Sees is denial, then I am in denial. If faith that God will care for me in any fashion He chooses is a sickness, then I am sick. If living in the hope that God hears our prayers is being foolish, then I am a fool. I know that God is going to provide for me, I hope through a job in the next week. But until He chooses to do whatever he is going to do, I will try to keep the faith and trust that angels are watching over me...

Labels: AA, Faith, Family History, Relationships, Scenic Arkansas, scripture, working

August 21, 2009

Surprise Decision

The Mill spillway for War Eagle Mill War Eagle AR


I was stunned when I got the call from the agency that sent me to the job last week. I was not to return, the company was going in a "different direction", and they expressed concerns regarding my typing skills. So I went into the agencies office and discussed this whole thing. It turns out that my boss who had been out much of the week came back to see that I was not very well trained and was not compleating the work in a "timely manner" so it must be my typing skills. He was viewing a "stroke counter" a program that tells the viewer what a person has typed. Its a way to monitor the use of the computer and the internet. It doesnt take into account the time I spent in gathering the information that was place into the fields, not does it take into the account the fact that the company system was very counter intuative a required memorization of every operation... When the agency called it turned out that the gal that was training me showed me only part of what was expected so I didnt meet expectations. There is no turning back. I feel a bit like I have been sabataged. This must have been a sudden decision as they has assigned me a desk and gave me keys to the building the same afternoon. It makes no sense to me or to the agency. My gal at the agency went to the office saw the desk and the few things that I had left there,and brought them to me. She says its all very odd, very strange all around.

I am feeling very let down but yet, it was going to be a hard climb there. All of the operations positions there above what I was doing are treated like brokerage positions. This means you are paid on comission, and have a quota. I was really surprised at that, because you have to cover all of the loads on all of the lanes and you can choose which ones you work but if loads on lanes that lose money arent covered the department is in trouble. One of the girls was complaining that she was the only one doing this dirty work and she was losing money... I found myself dreading the dog eat doggedness of that situation.

I know that there are friends of mine that will say..."see see you were too negative and lacked gratitude and God didnt bless this." I have a number of friends that believe in the "Law of Attraction" ie The Secret and the Course In Miracles. However, I think that this was the wrong job for me. I can only pray for better. The gal at the agency said I was the third person they have sent in and only one has done ok not great but ok. He works the 6 pm to 6am shift, and that is what they were going to ask me to do and I physically cant do that night work. I think that and the fact that I am not a person that will stay content as a data entry clerk for very long were the real issues.

I told the lady at the agency that I was very willing to do that job for as long as I needed to... that being faithful in the small things was very important to me and that it was unfortunate that my trainer barreled into my new boss and told him how experienced I was and that I should move up right away...(I cautioned the gal to stop doing that...yikes...)She had issues and perhaps I didnt get the training I should have but I had no way to know that. Who was in charge? the supervisor sat next to us...if I wasnt doing well why did he tell me that he thought I was doing a good job, and why didnt he correct my trainer... I arrived on time, didnt abuse break or lunch times and did the work assigned to me. Where I come from that is what you do the first week on a job. There was no orientation, no tour and no meeting the other employees... I just feel like this was screwed up...

I wonder if those around me think I dont try hard enough. I do try, and have been willing to do a lot of things to turn a buck. I am feeling a bit confused and demoralized, but Monday is the start of a new week and I will look at the bright side. I was able to attend a great AA meeting this morning. The weather was lovely for the day out...Yesterday it was like we needed to get an ark built, it was raining so hard!

I am not in control of others I am only in control of myself. I feel that I did my very best, I can only hope that I can get settled soon. I am putting the ideas I am working on in my sessions and from Al Anon, and choosing to not make any decision making until I really need to make those choices. That is putting the idea of One Day At A Time into practice to me...

Labels: working

August 18, 2009

Critical Data For Better Decisions

A New Trail.. The new walking trailhead at the Little Golden Gate Bridge, Bever AR

Today I will do something that is good for me, even if it feels uncomfortable...Self discipline is self caring... M. Scott Peck

Today's title came form a on line logistics publication I read...I thought it summed up what I lacked yesterday when I wrote my last post.

Well, I went into work today, The sunrise was gorgeous. I have missed this part of NW Arkansas, the beautiful sunrises and sunset. Working night shift meant being in a building before sunset and asleep at dawn... It was very early, but I have been rising at five or earlier for much if the time I have been back from Louisville. Abi , seeming to know this was a big day, woke me at 430 am wrapping her tiny front legs around my face and gently kissing me with tiny licks.So adorable. I repositioned her for a gentle belly rub as I prayed against the fear in my guts...

I was afraid. Afraid of the transition. Afraid to believe that this really is finally going to happen. And afraid that I would fail... The doubts are real. The awareness that I am making an investment that may not pay off for a long time. I dont know how I will make it financially, but I will trust that the Jesus that multiplied a small boys lunch into food for 20,000 people, can make a miracle in my financial life.

I was placed into the hands of a delightful gal, for training. It is her opinion after the first day that I am destined for bigger things than the job that I would be starting at and not to worry. The firm is a growing concern. I knew that, its one of the reasons I worked for free that day, just to get into the door. I can only pray that I impress them and that they want to keep me on there.

I figured out the amount that I will need to make to qualify for an apartment in the complex nearby that I was wanting to move into. When the time comes that is what I will ask for and tell them why. Its a reasonable amount for my expertise and skill level. This moving would be an advantage to them because it would be a 5 minute drive to work. It is good for me because I would be close to the local Mall/Shopping Area, and 15 minutes to Fayetteville, the University and the social life there that is missing for me up here in Bella Vista. But the 60 mile round trip is easy highway driving, and walking Abi this afternoon after a summer shower, the forest here was so beautiful.. Will be hard to choose... Frankly I may not get to choose, Mr House Owner may put the place back on the market and it will be sold out from under me, I wouldn't blame him. The market is heating up. I just need to be ready to make a change and not fuss too much about it. I have enjoyed living here and it has been a good place for me to be. But I will lose a lot if I leave here and if I move it should be closer to my work so I can be more centered in the community. I think commuter culture is one of the reasons we all dont know anyone, not even our neighbors. I would certainly miss people at my church and the ladies I am getting to know at my Al Anon meetings, but I would plug into a younger more diverse church, and there are meetings daily in and around the area

I found the people very friendly, the work is exacting but I sense a real team mentality not like thisplace where you were expected to do what was on your list and no one pitched in to help you and woe to you if you screw up. It is ultra casual jeans and tee shirts mode. I can wear jeans every day, that is helpful as I bought more casual clothing, expecting to be in a workshop environment at this point. I heard over and over how glad people were to be there. I didn't sense the stress and upset I have seen in transportation firms before. This could truly be a great experience. I need to relax let go and let God direct this.

Please pray for us. Abi had a lovely time with her doggy sitter Diane. I know she will miss her next week, but Auntie Barbara across the street may come in if she is here. Her daughter is struggling with cancer and is not doing well and so there may be other priorities for her in these coming days. I have left her before for a whole day and her crate is very large. She is well and shows no sign of her illness last week.

Thank you for praying and for your encouragement. We are not out of the woods yet but I feel like there was a light shown at the end of this long dark tunnel. Im walking forward, armed with the most critical of information. That God is with us and His love never fails

Labels: Abigail, Bella Vista, Faith, Friends, Scenic Arkansas, working

August 17, 2009

Faithful In Small Things

Summer Barn, Garfield AR

Naaman, commander of the army of the king of Syria, was a great man with his master and in high favor, because by him the Lord had given victory to Syria. He was a mighty man of valor, but he was a leper.Now the Syrians on one of their raids had carried off a little girl from the land of Israel, and she worked in the service of Naaman's wife.She said to her mistress, “Would that my lord were with the prophet who is in Samaria! He would cure him of his leprosy.”So Naaman went in and told his lord, “Thus and so spoke the girl from the land of Israel.”And the king of Syria said, “Go now, and I will send a letter to the king of Israel.”

So he went, taking with him ten talents of silver, six thousand shekels of gold, and ten changes of clothes.And he brought the letter to the king of Israel, which read, “When this letter reaches you, know that I have sent to you Naaman my servant, that you may cure him of his leprosy.”And when the king of Israel read the letter, he tore his clothes and said, “Am I God, to kill and to make alive, that this man sends word to me to cure a man of his leprosy? Only consider, and see how he is seeking a quarrel with me.”

8But when Elisha the man of God heard that the king of Israel had torn his clothes, he sent to the king, saying, “Why have you torn your clothes? Let him come now to me, that he may know that there is a prophet in Israel.”So Naaman came with his horses and chariots and stood at the door of Elisha's house.And Elisha sent a messenger to him, saying, “Go and wash in the Jordan seven times, and your flesh shall be restored, and you shall be clean.”But Naaman was angry and went away, saying, “Behold, I thought that he would surely come out to me and stand and call upon the name of the Lord his God, and wave his hand over the place and cure the leper.Are not Abana and Pharpar, the rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? Could I not wash in them and be clean?” So he turned and went away in a rage.But his servants came near and said to him, “My father, it is a great word the prophet has spoken to you; will you not do it? Has he actually said to you, ‘Wash, and be clean’?So he went down and dipped himself seven times in the Jordan, according to the word of the man of God, and his flesh was restored like the flesh of a little child, and he was clean.

Hoku:Dont you think this is wrong? When I went and worked that day for free we talked about this. You said that my doing that would not reflect in the compensation that I would receive should they hire me. Now They want me to come, work a 3 12 hour day 6 to 6 and ever other Saturday, possibly overnights which we NEVER discussed and they only want to pay 8.00 per hour, with no shift differential? I made twice this on my last freight job and worked a regular day...They pay better at Mc Donalds....

Temp lady: This is a Fortune 500 firm Forbes says they have the best benefits and promote from within. They will raise you to 10.00 after 90 days and give 5 percent raises...

Hoku: I have to drive 40 miles each way, and you cant eat benefits. I know these people and am very disappointed with them and with you. You are taking advantage of my situation, how desperate I am, and frankly Im shocked...

Temp Lady: But you will go?

Hoku: Do I have a choice?

I dont have much choice. I need some money, soon. I am out of savings and dont have anything left. Abi got sick this week after surgery and my cash for the lights and phone went to the vet. Do I regret that or her no way. I love her and was so frightened that I was going to lose her like my Annabelle that I would have moved heaven and earth to help her. I wont be able to access any services to help me financially due to the times I need to be at this job. I will continue to look and will take interviews and even long term temp work closer to home.

It was a rollercoaster week last week. Once I got home I went right to interviewing. I have signed with a insurance company to sell employer benefits. I also went to meet with a firm that was from a contact by our pastors new husband. They are 60 miles away below U of A in Fayetteville, so I would try to make arrangements to move asap should I get that job...but...the owner of this homspun trucking company is trying to get his debt refinanced and should he not be able to he will be closing his doors. I think that is a dead end as well.

I am thinking seriously about what I should do. I paid my rent this month and will be unable to do that again, until I get caught up. I need cheaper digs but cant move till I have a job. Next month I have two months lights and phone. I am taking the cable box back, and Abi and I are going to eat the cabinets bare before we go to the store again. They are pretty bare now.

The Insurance guy said that you work leads filing yur imaginary bucket... You have to call so many leads till the bucket is full. The spill over is sucess... in whatever you are doing. I feel like I have done that with job hunting. The bucket is spilling over I just need to keep on until something more beneficial spills into my lap. I have invested so much time and effort in seeking work, that there must be some payoff sometime. People are calling me for temp work...people are praying for an end to my personal nightmare. But I know that a lot of other people are suffering as well.

I am retooling my resume for another head hunter with ideas and I will be going to this job and doing my best to be the best employee they have got. I want to be faithful in the small things. Perhaps there is a payoff in the end

Labels: Abigail, Personal Growth, working

August 04, 2009

The Way of Aloha

Beautiful Hanuma Bay Oahu Hawaii

Go very slowly, very quietly, from one duty to the next, taking time to rest and pray between. Do not be too busy. Take everything in order. Venture often into the rest of God and you will find peace From 24 Hours A Day by Richmond Walker
with a hattip to Scott at Attitude of Gratitude

I saw this on Scotts blog, which I have been reading. This man has worked his program and I have admired that for a long time. As I enter my second week of solitude.. True solitude because while I have my friends at church and I love them, and I know that they care for me, I dont feel that there is an anchor for me to hold me to anything, wither it be person place or institution. However, I love this area and I am hopeful that a job will come through soon

I am really trying to go slowly, not get to far ahead of myself, not dwell on the past, and not worry that perhaps I will run out of money, get kicked out of this house before I am ready to leave, or that I will finally give up like so many people have done in this town Sam Walton built.

I have spoken to Woody, he is contentedly parked at his boyhood friend's spare room, tending Jim's dog, while Jim and his nephew are in Stockholm, where the Jim's elder brother and father of the nephew is spending his second year in diplomatic service there. Woody got a new phone number, which frees me to change my phone number and plan. I am looking to reduce my overhead and if I dont get a job I will have to stop all payments to anyone, eating and a/c, gas and Internet are my core needs. I dont think I will be thrown out of my house tomorrow.

I have had great interviews this past week, but I saw at several of the places the dozen or so other people interviewing for the same twelve dollar and hour job. That is what is so difficult I think, but I keep plugging.

I worked a tough job for minimum wage last week. Its something Ive done before, but every time I do it they agency pays less and less... Call Walmart stores to see if they have received promotional shipments and what did they do with them. The agency called 30 people to get the three they got to work this for 7.25 per hour. The finalist were a lady so disabled she could barely walk into the building., a young man who lost his first job 6 months ago and his parents felt he wasnt doing enough to find work so they threw him out and he now sleeps in his car... and myself. I found myself consoling him that I understood his pain, as Dawn, the disabled lady consoled me with a little Bible study and prayers from her church in the Missouri countryside.

I have been attending an Al Anon meeting and reading literature. I see the point, and how I really am in need of this help. I am hopeful that I will make new friends and learn more and more ways of making change within myself. How I would have been so much better if I had gotten this kind of help sooner...or even understood tha this is what I needed.... I know that I have a lot of culpability in how things went down, that while Woody was certainly the problem, I wasnt helping him and especially myself living like a madwoman... and that my life emotionally has been totally unmanageable.

There have been some challenges, some misunderstandings, and moments where I had to make a decision that others might think crazy but I know are the right thing. For example the insurance company issued a check for 900.00 for some damage the was repaired. My name was on the check, and yes the money would have really helped. I feel that Woody should have reembursed me for the money taken by the bank in the spring, but he feels that he was entitled to everything from the sale of the house and all of this money as well. I could be begging on the street and he feels that is justice for all I have taken from him. I signed the check over and deposited into his personal account with friends at the bank saying that it was not right....I can only trust that God will provide for me everytihing that I need.

Case in point, last week I got an invitation to come to Little Portiion Retreat Center for a week of discernment, and to spend some time with John Michael Talbot in retreat. They are comping me the room, and my vet is comping me boarding for Abi... I am having her spayed while I am gone, so I wont have to worry about her going into heat when I am not able to deal with that.I received a half price coupon for the NWA Animal Rescue people. I know her breeder feels she should be a year old, but I see that all of her teeth are coming in she is old enough now. I am so greatful for this time away. My "people" are working on jobs for the following week and I will have internet acess for email checking while I am there. I have planned to clear my mind and not think about Woody or Mr. Wonderful during the time there..

My counselor has really gotten on me about my about this emotional affair and thinks that much of my deep depression is due to that and to my missing him. She is likely right. He haunts me and at times I feel rediculous and at other times I really want to just die for the wanting of him. Its becuse I put off this grieving over it and I need to just settle down and do it... So I am praying for a release from that bondage freeing both him and I for a new phase in our lives. Its a process. She feels this is actually more binding than my marriage to Woody, that I am more emotionally tied to this person. I am facinated by this whole thing and horrified at the same time... So I am praying and going to try to clear my mind... I am thankful that Abi makes me get out of bed in the morning...

Speaking of Abi...

I think she is getting to be a very pretty girl. I find that I dont take as many pictures of her because she never stops moving! so few of the ones I take come out clear... Monings are our favorite time, she has come to love sleeping with me and is so cuddly sweet in the morning I dont want to get up and start the day!

My life is more and more becomming a venture of living a life of Aloha. I am more and more trying to live one day at a time one hour at a time.. The life of Aloha...It is a process and a culture I want to develope within myself... it is my goal

Labels: AA, Abigail, Hawaii, Little Portion, Relationships, Woody, working

June 10, 2009

Prayer of a Common Man

Final resting place... Church of the Holy Cross, Holy Cross KY

Daddy put in his forty years,
got his gold watch,
and then they sent him home.
I never knew what a struggle was like
until I cried tears on his stone.
He was just a cog in their wheel
lived and died on the layaway plan.
But Lord hear the prayer of a Common Man.

Alleluia.
Is anybody out there?
Alleluia
Does anybody care?
Life takes its toll on the heart and soul,
but I’m doing the best I can.
Lord hear the prayer of a Common Man.

A little girl needed braces bad
and it cost a couple thousand bucks.
She has a beautiful smile
but it’ll be awhile on my new
used pickup truck.
This house of cards I built
is mortgaged to the hilt
and its sinking in the sand.
Lord hear the prayer of a Common Man.

Alleluia.
Is anybody out there?
Alleluia
Does anybody care?
Life takes its toll
on the heart and soul,
but I’m doing the best I can.
Lord hear the prayer of a Common Man.

I’m not looking for charity,
I just need some clarity.
I’ve got people counting on me.
And I’m tired that’s all
I’m up against the wall.
Lord hear me when I call.

Alleluia.
I know your up there.
Alleluia.
I know you care.
Life takes its toll
on the heart and soul,
but I’m doing the best I can.
Oh Lord hear the prayer of a Common Man.
Lord hear the prayer of this Common Man.
Phil Vassar

I am constantly reminded that I am not alone in my quest for stability, both personal and financial. The whole country seems to be in a mode of anxiety, and concern. I cannot remember the 70's being this crazy as the Recession and Inflation cycles made life so very difficult for many people then. There were plant closings and runaway inflation, high interest rates, and taxes... There were a lot of poor people, and even more now. Many of these people were the ones screaming for "Change".... Well we have change for the worst, and for so many like myself, where the funds are running low, the frustration level is enormous. I wonder if we will see the riots and upsets that go on in other countries... but perhaps I am off there. My friend Norma, at the blog Collecting my Thoughts has a great post on this subject... I try to limit my news watching and newspaper reading, because the spin doctors are working as hard as they can to ratchet up fear so that the Powers That Be can do as they will. For the life of me I cannot understand how the Governmentcan just buy and sell businesses, tell businesses how to run themselves and how without any oversight by lawmakers all of this takes place... I am not an expert in any of this. Frankly I don't think there are any experts in the house running things...

We are like those in the Old Testament, all doing whats right in our own eyes..., and we have for a long time,We stopped living as or forefathers did, in a Godly fashion and have taken for granted the blessings given to us by God. While things are good, this is thought to be OK, but now that things are not so good we want a King to rule over us, just as Israel did, years ago. Read....

Fist Samuel Chapter 8

Israel Demands a King
1When Samuel became old, he made his sons judges over Israel.2The name of his firstborn son was Joel, and the name of his second, Abijah; they were judges in Beersheba.3Yet his sons did not walk in his ways but turned aside after gain. They took bribes and perverted justice.

4Then all the elders of Israel gathered together and came to Samuel at Ramah5and said to him, “Behold, you are old and your sons do not walk in your ways. Now appoint for us a king to judge us like all the nations.”6But the thing displeased Samuel when they said, “Give us a king to judge us.” And Samuel prayed to the Lord.7And the Lord said to Samuel, “Obey the voice of the people in all that they say to you, for they have not rejected you, but they have rejected me from being king over them.8According to all the deeds that they have done, from the day I brought them up out of Egypt even to this day, forsaking me and serving other gods, so they are also doing to you.9Now then, obey their voice; only you shall solemnly warn them and show them the ways of the king who shall reign over them.”

Samuel's Warning Against Kings
10So Samuel told all the words of the Lord to the people who were asking for a king from him.11He said, “These will be the ways of the king who will reign over you: he will take your sons and appoint them to his chariots and to be his horsemen and to run before his chariots.12And he will appoint for himself commanders of thousands and commanders of fifties, and some to plow his ground and to reap his harvest, and to make his implements of war and the equipment of his chariots.13He will take your daughters to be perfumers and cooks and bakers.14He will take the best of your fields and vineyards and olive orchards and give them to his servants.15He will take the tenth of your grain and of your vineyards and give it to his officers and to his servants.16He will take your male servants and female servants and the best of your young men [fn1] and your donkeys, and put them to his work.17He will take the tenth of your flocks, and you shall be his slaves.18And in that day you will cry out because of your king, whom you have chosen for yourselves, but the Lord will not answer you in that day.”

The Lord Grants Israel's Request
19But the people refused to obey the voice of Samuel. And they said, “No! But there shall be a king over us,20that we also may be like all the nations, and that our king may judge us and go out before us and fight our battles.”21And when Samuel had heard all the words of the people, he repeated them in the ears of the Lord.22And the Lord said to Samuel, “Obey their voice and make them a king.” Samuel then said to the men of Israel, “Go every man to his city.”

We will be like all of the other nations, living in a Socialized, nationalized over taxed and nanny stated suffocation. We will be enslaved to the government in many ways. While I resent the excessive intrusion we have seen in recent days, I am a supporter of change in the healthcare system, and going to a flat consumption tax so that everyone pays a fair share. But I have a real problem with the nationalization of industry, the banking system and agriculture ( a reality since the farm subsidy programs were put into place back in the 30's) but it is not up to me, or to a single party... it is not something we can change without a radical change of thinking among all people in our country. The fruits of the labors of many Americans are not adequate to pay for basics of housing medical care and retirement costs. Solutions will have to be sought for those who work hard but are beggared by a medical emergency costs. A flat tax would bring in enough resouces to pay for the programs that will provide a safety net for those that are trying to take care of themselves.

I meet more and more people in this long strange journey that I am currently on. People that are really trying to be self sustaining and not taking advantage of the system. People like myself that are looking for work, but dont have unemployment due to loopholes in the rules, or other factors. People like me that need some assistance to keep gas in the tank and the phone on, so they can seek employment. Getting food from food pantries is a great blessing but I have an abundance of good food to eat, what I need is a stipend so I can keep my internet on. Many countries provide a small living allowence to everyone who needs it. I think we need that here in the US as well.

We need to start caring about the common man, not about corporate executives who ran their corporations into the ground, or bloated institutions that have long ceased caring for its customers, employees or shareholders...

On a positive note, the news ran stories about families taking in the chiildren of other church members so that the kids would stay out of foster care...and closer to home, families taking in out of work singles and couples to keep them off the streets. I have several people thinking about the logistics of this sort of situation for me. I have a number of promising leads working with regards to employment, sadly none of them will pay enough for me to keep the cottage even to rent it at the current price, let alone buy it.

I will take any job that I am offered. I know that whatever God provides for me will be enough for me...its up to me to find a way to live on that amount. It seems to be the way of the world these days...the way of the common man

Labels: Faith, Kentucky, Pear Tree Cottage, scripture, working

June 05, 2009

Living in Fourth Day

Spring Rainbow Centerton AR

The message of the First Day on The Walk to Emmaus was the Grace of God, each Talk, while focusing on different themes, helped you understand how God's Grace works and how you could be a more fruitful person by opening yourself up to God's grace.

The Second Day is is often called the Jesus Day. Jesus is presented as a model for your life and living, through the various talks and acts of Agape. You are invited at that point to make a deeper commitment to Him.

The Third Day or the Sending Forth Day You are challenged to adopt the the vocation as a Christian, to be Christ in the World, through the adoption of various practices disciplines and commitments to a life of piety and devotion, persevering in that life until we are united with Him eternally.

Until then, we live in Fourth Day... It is the journey of faith that continues the rest of one's life. It is the living out of what it means to be a disciple and follower of Jesus. It is about being real, being accountable and being willing to trust Him in all things...

Drawn from the book "Day Four... The Pilgrim's Continued Journey", by Robert Wood Chapter four "The Message of Emmaus"...

Pastor David..."So Hoku, where are you living now?"
Hokulea... "I'm living in Fourthday..."
Pastor David..."Thats a great answer..." he gave me a weak, weary smile, turned and walked away to his vacated office...

I am being called brave, courageous, a living saint even... I kid you not, but really all I am is a very frightened woman, who has been in some very bad spots at times in her life, but the one she is in now is pretty darn bad. But the truth is, I cant stay long faced for too long, it causes me to get wrinkles that are un needed and unwanted.... Staying down leads to a negative energy that will ruin any chance that I have to turn my life around. Even though things are as bad as I have ever had in my life... I need to smile and be glad for what I do have.

I have my health. People say I never looked better. I have my sobriety. I dont talk much about it because I was never a true alchoholic or addict, but rather I made a chioce that these things were not for me and I choose daily to live, feel and experience pain rather than numb it with addiction... I have a great home that I really want to hang onto. I have my Abigail... the cutest little mutt-let a gal could ever want. I have a good vehicle, skills in demand. I have opportunities I can at least apply for. I had lady call me to help her and is paying me by the hour, another gal got wind of a part time job that while doesnt pay much, exposes me to the sorts of people that may have a need for a person on their staff. Agencies are aware of the need to get me something and resumes are out there... I have a huge number... hundreds of people praying for me, and dozens of people who have committed to being there for me. I am obligated to call anyone of them if I feel too overwhelmed...and yes it it pretty overwhelming at times...

I know that if I dont get work soon I must make some very hard choices, some that might be pretty disagreeable, but I need to do it. I am holding out hope that I will get some work and that I will get to stay on here. In the mean time I am cleaning out, throwing out and selling items Im not using....Im getting ready for a move...and if I dont need to move, my load is lighter and my purse is fuller.

Should I get work it will postpone moving, but not take it off of the table until I feel secure in that position. This could be a while considering how things are in this world. I may need to move into a cheaper abode no matter what.

But until I know anything I will try my best to stay in Fourth day. That means not being overly concerned about the future... Plan yes but dont obsess...cry yes but get up and do something. Tell people what your needs are so they can gain the blessing of helping you, but tell Jesus as well... Prayer, the Word and worship... I sing all of the time, pray all of the time, and want to put God in charge of everything that I do...

When its all said and done... Wither I look back on this while living in NW Arkansas Texas or wherever, I will praise God for bringing me through... In my house, or living in a new place, living with friends or my family... I know that God is with me and has not left me. I write this to remind myself of this true thing. Yes there will be down days, days that feel hopeless, depressing days... But there are also ecstatic days, days full of promise and days filled with hope... I laugh a lot, hug the puppy and hope that the next phone call will be the one I have been waiting for...

Keep praying people... something is about to happen I just feel it...

De Colores!

Labels: Abigail, Dreams, Emmaus, Faith, working