January 30, 2010

Turning The Corner

Glowing lights in the snow...Peartree cottage Metfield Bella Vista AR

Im living in a winter wonderland. Over 36 hours we had about a foot of snow here. Not a record but enough to really mess things up for driving and the like. I have been housebound for several days, and have enjoyed the quiet time

I have had a wonderful turn of events. After several weeks of prayer, interviews, hopes then dispair of not hearing an offer of employment was made to me by a local transportation company. I am working as a driver manager on the swing shift 430 pm to midnight 5 days a week, then one 10 hour saturday every four weeks. Its a longer drive than most people would make here but it being off hours, it is not a problem for me. The compensation is good, and the insurance is very good. I was so grateful that when I got the message from the HR guy I literally passed out... I came to on the couch a few minutes later I was so relieved and released from the stress of wondering what was going to happen to me...

Its a interesting place, there are a number of people there that I know, but none of them are the reason I got this job. Its was totally a matter of Gods hand guiding this and frankly I see it as ideal...My transition into the work group has been a touch awkward but nothing I cant handle. I am the only women on the shift and that has made for interesting moments... They dont have a training manual and dont really know what to do. The computer is counter intuative (AS400 based) I have been there a week and have had only 30 minute of computer time and perhaps can answer the phone. Ive been told not to worry about it, the man that is responsible for training me said it was three months or so before he felt that he had it down

The storm this week caused me to leave early on thursday and not go in on friday as the roads were so bad. Im told this will not have a negative impact on my job retention. I was worried because I dont want to be perceived as a wimp, however I cant afford an accident and to damage my van. The ice layer on my van was nearly 2 inches thick at 9 pm so they boosted me out as soon as we were able to chemically melt the ice off my windshield, it took me over two hours to drive the thirty miles home

I feel very differently from the way I did even three weeks ago. The sense of relief, and the ability to start to think about my future is incredible. I can start to address my way past due bills, and the now defunct contract to buy this house. I have no desire to move closer to my job like many of co workers, especially with enjoying the beauty of the snowfall...its worth the inconvienience of bad weather and the drive late at night. So I am praying about buying the house I am currently living in. I will be able to afford it eventually

Working at night has many advantages not just the easier drive. I love being able to awaken naturally in the mornings, to be able to have time for prayer and meditation, walks with Abigail...(weather permitting)and the morning Al Anon meeting on fridays...My days are relaxed and natural so my stress level is so much lower even though I still had first week jitters.

All of the evening activities like RCIA are going by the by. I am meeting with Msgr Scott to finalized the date for my First Confession, which will be different than the rest of the class as I will be coming during the day... again I like the idea that I will be able to take my time and do this right, I have been waiting for this for a long time.

Im also having to give up my home group Al Anon meeting, and a few other activities but again it is really a small trade off

I feel like I have exhaled and turned the corner. I will never take a job for granted and never take the fact that I have a job and am taking care of myself, means that someone else isnt really trying. My choices wont be based on the needs of another but on what I need. I fear that I have a big decision coming that will be hard for some to accept, but I will pray it through and then do what I think is best

I heard a song today that sums up where I have been in this last year and where I want to go on to

Hands

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear

My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken

Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after
We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
I am never broken

In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray

My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
We are never broken

We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's mind
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's heart
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's eyes
We are God's hands
We are God's hands

Jewel

Im grateful to God for His provision I missed neither a meal for want of food nor appointment for want of gas. I sold a great many things but nothing I cant live without. I am so glad, so thankful for all of your prayers and support.


Swathed in snow Peartree Cottage

Labels: Breaking News, Pear Tree Cottage, Poem, working

January 17, 2010

The Coldest Day Ever

Winter's long shadows over Pear Tree Cottage Metfield Bella Vista AR

"No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other, or be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.
"So I tell you, don't worry about everyday life-whether you have enough food, drink, and clothes. Doesn't life consist of more than food and clothing? Look at the birds. They don't need to plant or harvest or put food in barns because your heavenly Father feeds them. And you are far more valuable to him than they are. Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? Of course not.
"And why worry about your clothes? Look at the lilies and how they grow. They don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and gone tomorrow, won't he more surely care for you? You have so little faith!
"So don't worry about having enough food or drink or clothing. Why be like the pagans who are so deeply concerned about these things? Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs, and he will give you all you need from day to day if you live for him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern.
"So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today.

Jesus Christ

Matthew 6:24-34

I sit in sunny warmth that feels like spring even though it is merely 40 degrees. The previous months deep cold is like a memory... one morning it was 15 below when I went out to get the paper at 10 am. I stood there and thought to myself that this undoubtedly is the coldest temperature I have ever felt..

The strangeness of this time of extremes is one reason why I find it so hard to write, not only here in my blog but on face book , or letters to my friends and even my journal. I spend a lot of time these days in contemplation... meditating on what seems to be a time of challenge but also happiness and healing. I fear for the future at times and at other times I am elated at possibilities. I pray to hang onto hope, because its hard to do that sometimes.

I have not had work since the 31st . The terrible weather the first days of the New Year slowed down my job hunting, and things are still very slow. I have no money, no prospects for getting any soon and frankly I dont know what to do, other than what I am doing. Making phone calls, using the paper the Internet and networking as I can, to try to find something, something to do where I can earn a living.

The struggle, disappointment and feeling of disconnect, makes it hard to hope. I recently listened to a study on Joesph and his brothers...how long did he languish in slavery, in prison after being falsely accused, before he was raised up to the right hand of Pharoah. A long time, and relief came in an uncertain way, a unexpected way, and forgiveness was necessary, over and over again. This seems to be my way of life. A cycle of uncertainty to the point of desperation, provision, recollection then the cycle repeats itself.I am coming to see that I need to see beyond my circumstances and daily live by the promises of God...

It is hard to see others in the same struggle. I spent hours at unemployment the other day. There is NO blue colar work left here in this area. I saw the face of hopelessness on these faces as the lines streached out so long that it took me three hours to get to the counter and two hours to see someone... I vowed to not give up... to not let my face look like those that I saw in that waiting area

But that is hard. Men give up, some have killed themselves. Suicides have increased here. Its hard to accept. It is harder still to have hope handed to you only to find it not really anything at at... I was steered to an organization that is trying to set up housing solutions for "marginally or nearly homeless" women. I contacted the lady in charge, she asked all sorts of questions, and felt she could help me... would I come to a meeting..and I said I would.

Well I went and listened ...turned out that to these kind but a touch out of touch people, all with great jobs or pensions, feel that to be "marginally or nearly homeless" one had to be a parolee or coming out of re hab, and have one or a number of illegitimate children. In other words you have to make a bunch of bad choices to get help...I was stunned.

When I asked if someone like me could get help from this organization, I drew silence. I had introduced myself and explained my needs, and no one looked at me. I then said that I knew of other organizations that did similar things but there was no one out there helping honest people who are falling through the cracks every day. I found myself thinking that had I givine up a sober life and made the sorts of "bad choices" they were speaking of..would I deserve help?

The meeting went on, and I was even given an assignment, to help find small business opportunites and maketing for the handicrafts they are going to teach these women as a "job skill". For funding for the coffee shop they want to open. I couldnt believe it... They need to learn office skills or better yet a trade like plumbing, electrical, or construction, or all of the above. There are people who would help them, but knitting???

I have come to believe that like my family who needs a "poor relation" to feel sorry for, to talk about, to even rub salt into the wounds of the hurting one...the community needs to have such people around, thats why the focus on those that make poor choices rather than those that just need a little help in life. This seems to be true not just with government and the welfare programs that have proven to be so unfruitful, but Christian groups who seem to continually minister to the poor that stay poor. If there is no encouragement to grow and get better, no incentive to keep trying to improve, no investment in their future, and this doesnt come cheaply... I think its criminal to not give real help, real job training real education to these women, all these folks are going to do is treat them like children and keep them dependent, unable to earn a real living, and continue the cycle of poverty

In the same vein, the way we as a country are ignoring the millions of people that have just given up on life due to unemployment is just shameful... there are places in this land where people out of work now have no hope of getting a job no matter how much they look and look...they have run out of benefits, they have family, churches, friends that dont know what to do, so they give up on them. They stop calling, stop visting, stop helping. Ministries that started a year ago to help the jobless have run out of steam, mired in the overwellming need. When do we invest in these people...these communities...When to we reach out and have a high profile telethon for the rebuilding of these communities... When do we rebuild our own country?

Two people in my life killed themselves in the last 10 days over these issues... My heart is just broken... but I am angry as well...I can understand why they did it.
I have family that has cut me off... friends that will not call me back, and ministries that promised help that cannot help me now... I understand why taking one's life might be attractive...

I dont want a hand out... I want a job. Once I get one. I promise that I will not forget those less fortunate than I, that dont have work. I will do whatever I can to help that person, in this financially coldest day ever... And I will not give up speaking out about it. This is an injustice that will haunt us for generations to come in this country, may God have mercy on them that suffer and wake up those that have the means to get involved....

Labels: Breaking News, Church, faith working

March 13, 2009

A Clean Well Lighted Place

Soft Light, a side table in my "den"

"Let there be no mistake, where even one of us is-the entire Body of Christ dwells, through the inviable mystical body of unity-" St Peter Damian, Doctor of the Church

I have really been affected this week by so many of the reports this week about how poeple are dealing with their financial trials... or not dealing with them. Reports not of raw numbers..."there were so many foreclosures this week" ...or "statistics show there are more families on the street now..." kind of dumb, no house means homeless for most people. People trying to do the right thing now have no job and no place to go...Families "couch surfing" with a reletive, kids moving back in with parents... Individuals now living in a camping tents in a park when they were gainfully employed and had a home a year ago. The images are iconic and resemble Depression era photos and drawings that I have seen.

I understood and related to a lot of the stories. Life choices based on a reality that changed for them. Many did have savings and did have retirement plans and didnt have bad loans. But life's issues crept up on them. A daughter's college, a son coming back from Iraq disabled and needing medical treatment... Parents losing their retirement savings... you losing a job two years ago and temping since then now there are no extra jobs...Things unravel fast...

My life changed because I chose to change it. I borrowed against the house to go to school, and start a business. Yes I didnt do as well as I hoped and yes I spent more money than I wanted to, but truthfully I made a good business plan, and thought that I was good to go on setting up the business. But I saw the economy melting down, I was emotionally melting down, Woody wasnt prepared to support me and the business or even himself. Life changed unexpectedly for me. I am no different than anyone else going through this. Knowing that helps me cope when I feel like I am not going to make it. Being homeless is one of my greatest fears and many are the nights that I contemplate it. I have been reassured that this is not going to be my fate, but I am still concerned, because this has become the reality for thousands.

I also read on the blogs a lot of self righteous people blaming the victims. This is just wrong. I have met many people who have found themselves in a real jam since this debacle broke last summer. Yes many did dumb things. Frankly the whole nation did a lot of dumb things for a long time. Many people, especially the retirees I know did nothing wrong, all they did was just save their money... Buy and Hold was the watch word.Look what it got most of them!...

But rather than blame, the words of Peter Damian, quoted by Fr John Corapi SOLT, on Fr Mitch's live show on EWTN the other night rang true to me. He challenged us to see everyone that is struggling as a part of the Body of Christ. In truth, in serving "the poor" you are serving Christ. Rather than blame we need to relearn the fine art of helping people. I have already seen and heard of great efforts to lend a hand to the struggling... If the politicrats in DC would give some of this "Stimulus" money to regular people to facilitate helping out at the grass roots, the economy would jump start. No doubt about it.

The image of the warm clean well lighted place is somewhat iconic for me. I have always felt that if I had this I would be ok. The last year living with Woody I didnt feel I had this, I would come home to the dark house that was dirty and unkept...yes I was partly to blame but I wasnt ambulatory, and was working, and didnt understand why I seemed to have to do it all. It made me angrier and angrier, until the rage was overwelming. I shut down and didnt do anything. I moved to Louisville and into that somewhat sterile apartment, and found that I felt at home in a way I havent in years. Why? it was clean and bright and I could manage it

Truthfully, I think I ran away from home, and that affect the process at Connors and everything else. The rage had time to burn out, now I am shaken and have no confidence in myself. Failing bench tests makes it all feel like a waste... Having great interviews and not getting the jobs isnt helping. I find that I can go to my former home and only feel sad and not angry. I am sad that Woody is living is surroundings that are so depressing to me, sad he cant get a job...I know its not anything he can do much about right now...I am sad he made huge financial mistakes and has nothing to live on in his retirement.Im worried about what is going to happen to him. I see these folks living so hard...It scares me for him and for me.

I see this change in my heart attitude as a step forward.

The title of my post is from a short story of Hemmingway's... I feel like the sad subject of the story needing the light and social aspects of community. Right now much of my community is provided by EWTN. I need to find some sort of social outlet. My friend Linda and I are astranged, I am not sure why. She dropped me off two weeks ago tonight after the road trip to Birmingham, said she'd see me Sunday, and now hasnt come to church for two weeks. She will not answer emails or return phone calls. She concerned several couples at the church so they called to check on them and nothing. So this past Monday she came to a small group breakfast and while she smiled and did ask after a issue in my life she was preoccupied with a new friend and there was no comment regarding anything that had transpired perviously. It was as though she didnt really know me. Yet we had spent days sharing a lot of very personal stuff. I sense she feels badly about something, but she wont let me hash it out with her.... This kills me.

I owe her a great deal. She in taking me to Birmingham provided a "clean well lighted place" that helped me get through a huge loss that she said she understood. If I over stepped or was too much I would like to say Im sorry in person. I certainly will pay her back for the hotel room once I am working. In the mean time I will keep praying that somehow she realizes the harm that has been done. You dont tell me or anyone that you "love" them then abandon them. That is the worst sort of disloyalty, painful in the extreme.

My puppy plans are on hold for a bit. I hope to get to work, and the first few weeks will be very demanding no matter what I do. If no work comes, I may have to relocate somewhere where there are more jobs. Arkansas says they have low unemployment but we have a shadow unemployment because of all of the contract workers here, a lot of people are not being counted. Several areas are being touted to me. I would hate to give up this home in the trees but I am open to whatever God shows me is what He wants me to do.

In the mean time I have this cute puupy substitute. Thank you all for your encouragement since Annabelle's death. I cry for her every day I miss her so. But its getting easier to see other doggies, maybe I will be ready soon for a new baby. I certainly hope so....

My puppy substitute peaking out of her bag.

Labels: Breaking News, Marriage, Personal Growth, Relationships

February 13, 2009

Alas, Babylon...

The Birthplace of the Behemoth, Sam Walton's 5 and 10, on the Bentonville Square Bentonville AR

Revelation 18:10-20

“Alas! Alas! You great city,
you mighty city, Babylon!
For in a single hour your judgment has come.”

And the merchants of the earth weep and mourn for her, since no one buys their cargo anymore,cargo of gold, silver, jewels, pearls, fine linen, purple cloth, silk, scarlet cloth, all kinds of scented wood, all kinds of articles of ivory, all kinds of articles of costly wood, bronze, iron and marble,cinnamon, spice, incense, myrrh, frankincense, wine, oil, fine flour, wheat, cattle and sheep, horses and chariots, and slaves, that is, human souls.

“The fruit for which your soul longed
has gone from you,
and all your delicacies and your splendors
are lost to you,
never to be found again!”

The merchants of these wares, who gained wealth from her, will stand far off, in fear of her torment, weeping and mourning aloud,

“Alas, alas, for the great city
that was clothed in fine linen,
in purple and scarlet,
adorned with gold,
with jewels, and with pearls!
For in a single hour all this wealth has been laid waste.”

And all shipmasters and seafaring men, sailors and all whose trade is on the sea, stood far off18and cried out as they saw the smoke of her burning,

“What city was like the great city?”

And they threw dust on their heads as they wept and mourned, crying out,

“Alas, alas, for the great city
where all who had ships at sea
grew rich by her wealth!
For in a single hour she has been laid waste.
Rejoice over her, O heaven,
and you saints and apostles and prophets,
for God has given judgment for you against her!”

BENTONVILLE, Ark. -- The big announcement from Wal-Mart Tuesday, cutting around 800 of its employees at the Bentonville home office, has left many people in northwest Arkansas stunned.
While the number is large, it could've been much worse.

Many are worried that the Wal-Mart layoffs would have a domino effect on the vendor community.

International Operations Are Staying Strong At Walmart

But what 40/29 News learned at a Bentonville Chamber of Commerce luncheon Wednesday is that Wal-Mart's organizational changes surprisingly won't be affecting its suppliers.

"They'll have to do different things within their environment to be able to service Wal-Mart, but overall, I don't see them cutting down on who they have in northwest Arkansas," said Ed Clifford, president and CEO of the Bentonville-Bella Vista Chamber of Commerce.

The reason for this is because the jobs that were cut from Wal-Mart for the most part aren't sales related.

The jobs that were cut mainly involve the areas that deal with new store expansion, which the company will be slowing.

For the most part, vendors said they won't feel the repercussions immediately, but they know they're not immune.

"The internal restructure of Wal-Mart hasn't affected any of the partners that we work with directly, so I feel that our company is safe right now. However, with the economy the way it is, I think everybody's nervous at this point," said Robin Foshee, a vendor for Coty beauty line.

But some suppliers did cut their workforce even before Wal-Mart's move Tuesday.

Gary Lowe worked for Genius Products, a DVD distributor. He was laid-off two weeks ago.

"They eliminated some positions to cut costs, about a 17 percent reduction overall," said Lowe.

So he's networking with other vendors to hopefully land a job.

But with the hundreds of people laid off Tuesday from Wal-Mart, he said it's going to be even harder.

"It puts some more competition out there on the market for jobs. I mean, more bodies for the same number or fewer jobs right now," said Lowe.

Lowe said he's not too worried. He said he got a pretty good severance package.

Those who were laid off from Wal-Mart will only be receiving severance pay until April.

Wal-Mart says they will allow its former employees to take jobs with vendors immediately, instead of waiting a year to apply.

But the problem is, because of the economy, many of these vendors currently have hiring freezes..

Courtesy 40/29news.com

Yeah, this wont affect suppliers, but the earthquake that rumbled though Benton county is effecting everyone. I was driving by the Home Office in the early afternoon and saw people with cardboard boxes out in the parking lot, I knew that something big had happened.

I was running errands and my last stop was an employment agency that was sending my resume to a business that needs an administrator. I wanted to meet this lady, her predecessor had been let go... and I had never met her. We discussed that the release of 800 middle and upper management types will only add to my difficulties with finding employment.

The attached article shows the ignorance of a lot of people. One persons job loss effects dozens of people. Its a cumulative affect. You aren't working so you don't go out to eat or shop which means retail and entertainment workers are affected and so on and so on. High rollers have a larger affect on the economy and tend to touch more people. Already I have seen the home of a man who was in Marketing go up for sale yesterday, He has a large family...what will they do?

Truth is that a lot of folks that came here will go back where they came from. They came when Wal mart hired them. I hear comments all of the time people would rather go "home". I know that a lot of vendor folks have actually done this once the vendor office closed. This area has built up with the idea that the Big Three employers WalMart Tyson and JB Hunt would continue to grow and expand. To have a lull in this growth is problematic... The extra houses wont sell, the empty vendor office space gets cheaper and cheaper... Already we have a 10 year glut of housing and excess retail space. Stores and business are folding up... This boom town may be going bust all around me

People are afraid. Businesses are in a panic. Like the scripture people are running around with their hands over their mouths gasping for air.

I am wondering how much of the panic is made by the news media? Many of the positions that WalMart eliminated they had been wanting to eliminate for a long time... So is housecleaning in a business necessary, you betcha. But its not the end of the world.

So if each business just held on to one job they were going to eliminate, this recession would end. If the banks would just stop foreclosing on homes for a two month period home prices would stabilize. Can people stop looking only to themselves can big business quit looking for every last buck, perhaps a lot of the misery would be resolved.

But I think we all can agree that the watchword of the world is grasping greed. We have only to look at the so called "stimulus" plan. So much for change... those greedy guts in Washington couldnt wait to spend all of that money... much of it will have little effect on the economy...

My hope is that it will have a phycological effect on the nation. It certainly has on the want ads. The pages for our area went from 4 to 8 pages, I responded to a dozen ads we shall see what happens

If you had said to me 10 years ago that the demand for containerized freight would shrink by double digits, that Wal Mart would stop growing... I would have laughed. But then I couldnt fathom that I would be living here in the land of Wal Mart Home Office

Labels: Breaking News, Current Events, Politics, Scenic Arkansas, scripture, working

January 27, 2009

Ice in the Wind

Twilight view from my front window into the front garden Pear Tree Cottage Bella Vista Ar

Once Upon A Winter Day


Once upon a winter day
Gray clouds passed swiftly across the sky
As shapely snowflakes fell steadily down,
Covering the land in a dazzling white
Leaving a winter calling card on the ground.

Once upon a winter day
The snow-edged creek silently wept
Near the shadows of the tall pine trees
Trimmed in a glittering white lace,
Creating an impressive display in the breeze.

Once upon a winter day
Branches drooped to the impassable road
Due to the weight of the snow.
Icicles hung from the dormant trees
In view of the shattered daylight glow.

Once upon a winter day
Nothing is heard but rubbing tree limbs
And a stray dog faintly barking,
The vibrant sound of a frightened deer,
A broken tree branch suddenly falling.

Once upon a winter day
The distant snow-covered hills
Loomed in the path of the gloomy sky,
Where the northerly wind briskly growled
As chickadees and juncos fluttered by.

Joseph T. Renaldi

I have candles at the ready as the lights flicker and the wind outside is picking up. The Ice Storm of 2009 has left a swath of destruction all around me. I am continually amazed at the weather so different from what I have experienced in my life prior to coming to Arkansas. My town has scattered power outages but the worst is south of here where much of southern Benton and all of Washington Counties were slammed by the freezing rain and ice. I wandered out in my sweatshirt nightshirt and trainers, my new neighbors my have thought I was nuts as I walked around the house looking at the trees and snapping pictures of the ice and sleet covered ground.

I have been trying to get up earlier and earlier to try to train myself in preparation for going back to work. Im having mixed success. I am rising, but really am not worth much of anything all day. If I sit too long I drop off, in a semi sleep that is actually painful. I get a headache from it, I believe from lack of oxygen. Im probably not breathing properly. I perk up about 3pm. This is not going to work. So please pray for me, I really need to get re adjusted into a day shift pattern.

Iced Pot in my front garden Pear Tree Cottage Bella Vista AR

I have been singularly unsuccessful in finding work. There are hiring freezes at the transportation companies that I thought would be avenues of employment. I have worked the job boards, want ads and gone to temporary services and nothing. I have only one opportunity and I have decided to embrace it and go forward. An insurance company has approached me to go to work for them. I have a class to take and a test to pass to be licensed. The firm provides online training. I am having some difficulty with the courses... lots of facts and figures to remember. The Firm provides products specifically for the over 65 market, and with the large numbers of retirees here in this area this is an ideal market. I have been promised support and help all the way in this if I work hard. I will, and I know that it will be hard. I have to succeed, there are not other options right now.

I am going to continue to look for work. I need four weeks of temporary work to qualify for unemployment which would be wonderful. I have some reserve left and if I am careful perhaps I can make it. Again, I do believe that this place in my lifes adventure is about trusting God and not my own abilities. Still I am scared as is a lot of the country right now. I am grateful for all of the riches in my posession. For the warm dry house with lights and hot water... and the box of candles. I have a new friend that lives three blocks away that has a gas heating system... (I will be replacing this system with a system like hers one day. The heat pump switches to a gas furnace when that is needed. The people accross the street just put one in and it gives them a lot of peace of mind...)They have invited Annabelle and I to their home to stay if the power goes out and the cold is too much.

I am grateful to be on my own. My mind is clearer and my heart is lighter than it ever was before. Our Divorce is proceeding apace and should be final in a month or so. Just today I was reminded of why this was needed. Woody was home today from the car lot. The poor man hasnt had a day off in all of the time he has been there. His power went off and he hadnt started the gas log... He didnt think about it. Id have had a fit or done it myself. He admitted that a lot of things are not done there as there is no one to do them... the maid is out I suppose...

I shouldnt be too cheeky. i feel badly for him and know that I am the winner here by a longshot. Not by stuff or money...I will pay for this for years with damaged credit and the like. But that peace and contentment are worth any price. And to be alone by my own choice is so very different than being alone because you have been abandoned. I no longer feel as though I have been left out to freeze in the icy wind by an indifferent husband. I have come out of the cold into this warm place and come what may I will deal with any reprocussions with the help of the God Who Shelters Me with His Righteous Right Hand

Labels: Bella Vista, Breaking News, Marriage, Personal Growth, Poem, Scenic Arkansas, Woody, working

November 17, 2008

Make Lemonade

Dawn over the Ozarks, The Greens at Tanyard Creek, Bella Vista Arkansas...

post started nov 15 2008 3 am

While the deteriorating economy was the biggest problem for the market, two other issues seemed to weight on markets.

One was skepticism Friday that the Group of 20 conference this weekend in Washington, D.C., would produce major results.

The other was whether Congress could get economic stimulus legislation passed in the lame-duck session opening next week. The biggest concern seemed to be whether a rescue package for the domestically headquartered auto industry could be enacted before a major crisis erupted.

The issue is already wrapped up in post-election politics. President Bush called on Congress to give U.S. auto makers quick access to a $25 billion federal loan program by dropping a requirement that the money be spent on converting to fuel-efficient vehicles. Democrats want to tap into the $700 financial rescue pool.

Market volatility will probably continue next week. Reports on wholesale and consumer inflation are due Tuesday and Wednesday.

Plus, investors will have to digest a new round of gloomy earnings reports from retailers Target (TGT,) and Lowe's (LOW, ) on Monday and Home Depot (HD, news, msgs) and Pacific Sunwear (PSUN, ) on Tuesday.

Retailers including Nordstrom (JWN,), Kohl's (KSS,), Best Buy (BBY, ) and Abercrombie & Fitch (ANF,) issued dour outlooks this week, and the government's report on retail sales was taken as confirmation that consumers are simply not spending like they used to.

It suggests, as Lakshman Achuthan, managing director at the Economic Cycle Research Institute in New York put it, "Not only is no economic recovery on the horizon, but the economy is falling off a cliff at its fastest pace in at least six decades."

At the same time, a big question for many traders is whether the market's huge rally on Thursday is the signal that a bottom for the stock market is forming.

The Dow was down 266 points on Thursday morning, with the S&P 500 and Nasdaq Composite breaking well below their lows of October, when a powerful buying surge hit the market. The finish pulled all major indexes well above their closing lows on Oct. 27.

Bottoms take time to form, usually months. The market hit a low in October 2002, for example, and tested it many times before finally breaking sharply higher six months later.

Stocks briefly pulled off opening lows after the University of Michigan consumer sentiment index came in higher than expected. The survey showed a reading of 57.9 in November, slightly higher than the reading of 57.6 in late October. Economists expected a reading of 56.5.

Crude oil closed at $57.04 a barrel, down $1.20 from Thursday and 6.6% on the week. Crude had been as low as $55.69 early in the day. Worries about demand have steadily pushed oil down from its record closing high of $145.08 on July 12.

Meanwhile, gasoline prices continue to fall. The average price of a gallon of unleaded regular gas was down 3 cents to $2.15, according to the AAA Daily Fuel Gauge Report.

Last month, gas averaged $3.13 a gallon.

November is turning into a lousy month

taken from the Market Dispatches report of 11-14-2008
By Charley Blaine and Elizabeth Strott
reporting for MSN

Well, things are not looking too good for anyone, between investment income falling to nothing...and the principal itself shrinking, to the young people around here losing their jobs. Hoku, I think you are making the right decision. You are being a shrewd business woman and not a coward. People arent spending money on extras just now... You dont think you have enough money to do what you need to do...things have gone to hell in a handbasket in your home and you have people interested in possibly giving you a good paying job. Id say go for it. You took a risk quitting and going on to pursue your dream, now just put it on hold for a bit and see how things go...get things in order here (at the new house) and take care of yourself first...

my new lease/mortgage holder "Chuck" a former oil man now retired early and having to dump his rental property to keep food on his table...Yikes!

You know the quality of the tea only when you soak it in hot water and give it a squeeze... Corrie Ten Boom

When Life hands you lemons, make lemonade... my Mother and most of the other ladies in her family use this one...

The past two weeks have been very difficult... heck that is an understatement. I am not always sleeping through the night, waking at 3 or 4 am with thoughts racing a mile a minute..."what am I going to do? What is the right decision? should I do this? Or wait?..." It has been really difficult for me to get through the day...

I took posession of the house on Witherby Drive on the 15th. As I unloaded the cartons on the van from the trek from Louisville I began to absorb the anormity of the situation and what it means to me. I am a home owner...yes at the expense of being a business owner. I had come to realize over the night before that while I have enough cash to build out and buy tools, that was it. I didnt have any extra left to keep things going both at the new house and at the business...In fact I had no reserves left at all. I checked my figures again and again and its true. I never planned for the extended stay in Louisville to cost as much as it did and for things to deteriorate on the home front to this extent. Woody is flat out not in a position to support himself let alone the two of us and the Business plan was based on the idea that I would live with him, he was going to get a job while I was gone ect... didnt happen isnt going to happen and I need to accept that.

So I am praying and thinking about what to do. I went and filed for unemployment benefits. I was astounded at what the amount was per week and hope and pray that I get them.I am applying for work back in the freight biz as there are no jewelry jobs available; even with the holiday times just around the corner.

The setting up at the new house takes money too, from turning the power on the buying appilances. Used would work if it was available but folks keep their stuff here till it rusts so I am buying new and I got a good deal. I am also taking time to replace things like my broken baking pans and 28 year old stainless steel pans that are just ugly. I have gotten the use out of them for sure. I have picked out a set of Rachel Ray in a sunny yellow color.. That is making lemonade visually.

As far as using the new skills I learned at Jewelers school I am thinking about going ahead and setting up a bench in the garage and practicing there. The pop out space is plenty big and can be partitioned off into a nice sized room. I can also put my sewing machines out there and do my sewing...something I have wanted to get back to for a very long time. The time is now. I wont have money for cable, so do something productive with the hours I have been spending in front of the tube. I can take in repair work from friends and pehaps develope a reputation. Who knows...

And the retail space. I am going to see about sub leasing it. Even for a year it would be worth it to not have that payment and to give myself a chance to get settled and get some money in the bank...

This is as hard a thing as I have ever done and it kills me...but I seem to getting used to the pain these days...one painful deal after another... Its hard to see how I will ever rise up again. I know that I will. God is in this I feel it and I know that I need to really try to be paitent and wait and see how things turn out... in the mean time stop and have a glass of lemonade... it was made with all of the love I had for my dream. Take a deep breath and see what happens next...

Labels: Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Breaking News, Business start up, Dreams, Family History, Marriage, Woody, working

November 14, 2008

The Gift

my new digs in the Metfield subdivision Bella Vista AR

"When you come to a fork in the road...take it"

Yogi Bera

"Its a very nice house , yes it a bit close to the road and there is some traffic but you are a bit secluded and its been completely redone. It is a few miles from your shop but you will have a nice lender/landlord and that is worth something"

Yes a great landlord is worth something . We have that in the man that manages the property our shop is in...The real estate agent was a great sales lady. A resident of the Village for 30 years she has seen it all. Woody and I walked into her office with our request "do you have properties that are lease to purchase or have owner financing. The answer was a resounding "Yes". she took us to see this charming little house in the Metfield/Witherby subdivision of Bella Vista.

It had been "yes" from a lot of agents. We were amazed at the number of people willing to do an owner finance on properties that they owned because the market is so bad and the stock market crashed leaving many on a fixed income needing a cash stream rather than a lump sum payment that a straight sale would bring.

I looked at big homes and too small homes. Houses in the older areas that were a touch rundown and ones that had been bought to flip and had been totally redone. What has stunned us is that no one wants a credit application or even a drivers licence or SSA number. I could be anyone out to use their property for a drug house or something...

I didn't start this project with the idea that I could buy something outright. I am so over extended on paper right now that a number of my lines of credit that are unused at this time are being closed. My credit score is in decline as a result, and isn't going to get better as I wont use credit just because I want a better score...Usually that doesn't help anyway. I figured that I would rent and maybe I could find something that would be a lease option with part of the payment going towards the down. I had one lined up like this but couldn't get the owner to tell me his terms. I really liked this home too...but it just seemed like pulling teeth to get anything done.

The field kept narrowing. I was able to call the agent on the home owned by our neighbors friend. I loved the this place and it became a spoiler for all that came after it. the man has had it on the market 2 years and owns it outright. Unfortunately for me hes not interested in owner finance,so I gave up on that one. Another agent sent me to see what could have been the house of my dreams...one worth fighting for, but the owner decided he'd take his chances with the market for a straight sale...he'll get his price too on that one...

While these gentlemen werent willing to carry me, a lot of folks are, and one of those is a man who has four properties here that he is selling. He has the deep pockets to finance this himself. He actually lived in this one for a time and has redone it with new carpet and paint inside and out in colors that are good for me. The yard has a few trees and is all gravel no maintenance with a view overlooking a rugged ravine. One neighbor next to me that may be a single man and a dog ( I see a tie out in his grassy yard and we have see him drive up and put his car into a empty 2 car garage...) there is a wooded set of building lots on the other side. The chances of them selling and being built on is highly unlikely for the time being with the economy as it is and the huge inventory of homes in the area for sale cheap.

I also looked at a huge split level town home near the Methodist church I attend. This home was older in a development that is in transition, most of the units are owned by seniors that are selling to move into new situations, like living with children or assisted living. These are big enough to raise kids in so I needed to think about that. I loved the vibe of the place with its view of the tops of the trees and the city... I felt like it was like my apartment in Louisville and was comfortable with the set up.

The deal breaker was the down payment. the Owner would finance but he wanted a large down. and I also figured out that the place was over priced. So I turned it down in favor of the single family house even though it is smaller, and further away to drive to work. The owner of the house, on his own, asked if I would be more comfortable doing a lease purchase that allowed me to move in with no down, just a 500.00 Ernest money check and the first months payment. He would then handle the taxes and insurance and association fees this year while I get my business off the ground...after a night of sleeping on it... not too much sleeping... I signed the contracts the next day. I will get the keys on the 15th...

I am now a home owner in my own right again. This is a gift that I didn't think would come my way so soon and I know that even though this house wasn't my first choice, I should and need to thank God fasting for this incredible deal. It is the right size, with a real garage (not found in most homes here at this price they usually have just a carport, there is even a "black jack" a pop out space for parking a golf cart and your golf gear in the garage that I can use as a exercise area or a workspace ) There are two bedrooms two baths and a bonus room off the living room (commonly known as a Bella Vista room here. Here in Bella Vista due to the poor drainage, the septics cant be big enough for three bedrooms so they build them anyway and don't put a closet in one of them and that room is used as a den or guest room. In the home Woody and I own,we have a "two-bedroom septic" as well. We put a closet into our extra room by placing a door into a walk in closet in the adjacent bedroom so it is now a "jack and jill" closet) this room isn't set up this way. I will likely us that space as a sitting area or TV area. It has a lovely view of the ravine behind the house. Off of this room is a french door to a screened in deck about 15x15. Plenty big for me and I can expand it to have a open deck as there is another 15 feet of wall behind the garage that would support it. I can also enclose it as we have done with our screened room at the old house. I spend most of my time out in this space....in fact I am there now looking out over the forest as I blog.

Annabelle will be happier in her own space. Makoa beat on her last night and while she wasnt hurt something might happen. I need to get out of the warehouse and into a more comfortable space. I have stopped unpacking the louisville cartons and will be taking them over to Metfield...I am going home to the house that God has given me

Labels: Annabelle, Bella Vista, Breaking News, Marriage, Woody

September 15, 2008

The Dirty Side Of The Storm

Sunrise over East Louisville notice the trees are already bending with the wind blowing. As the day heated up the wind would blow harder

The "dirty" side of a hurricane is the eastern side of the storm. Here, winds from the south, full of moisture, wrap into the storm causing heavy rain, storm surge, and tornadoes. As the storm moves inland it interacts with other weather systems. The area between the eastern side of the hurricane and the other weather front can be subject to hurricane force winds even though the hurricane itself has subsiding wind speeds.

Its as though the air is being squeezed in between two powerful wheels spinning in opposing directions. The wind heats and creates tornado like conditions. Add a deep broad valley like the Ohio River Valley and that cyclonic wind ripped though here like the Hurricane driving it

I woke to the winds, the whistling sound reminded me of the Pacific Tradewinds that blow across the Hawaiian Islands. Getting up at 5 am to make it to Beargrass by 7:30 is hard but has its rewards. This sunrise was beautiful. It did so remind me of Kauaii when Woody and I visited there.



Roofing ripped off of the buildings here at Indian Springs.

Finished the service at Beargrass and headed over to Watkins at 10 am. Wind blowing harder and harder. As we started the service at 11 am the power went out and it was all acoustic from there on in. Looking out the windows you could see branches whipping around and pine cones flying off at dizzying speeds pelting windows and cars in the parking lot. Then there was a huge crash and the building shook. People were starting to get up when the pastor stood up and said "Nobody leaves this building, if that is a tornado out there, we are safer in here. The children are safe in their building..." I saw ushers go to the doors. He was right and people calmed down instantly. I was really glad when we did go out in an hour or so and saw the devastation in and around the building, including a giant pine tree that had crashed against the side of the fellowship hall



Like our Church, the complex had a lot of damage from falling and flying trees and their branches. This apartment has a hole in the living room ceiling and the people are moving out today into a temporary unit

I got home at 1 pm and there were shingles flying off the roof and a chimney from an adjacent unit in the drive that had been torn off. I pulled my van into a more sheltered area in between the buildings and tried to get out. The wind was pushing against the door so hard I couldn't for the life of me get the door open. In between gusts I got out and up the stairs... Just as I got in I looked out the window and saw trees being ripped out of the ground and laid out on the first green...I backed away from the windows facing the trees and had my lunch in the back bedroom. Annabelle and I then took a long nap. We did lose power briefly but here in northeast Louisville we have had power pretty much continuously



Many of the homes in the subdivision where Annabelle and I walk had siding and shingles ripped off and many many trees are down.

11:00 pm

I didnt see much in the national news but I did see this report according to the tv news 215,000 people are still without power. Because this storm was a freak, people were not prepared. Gas lines were long and fights broke out when gas was rationed out. Our Governor declaired a state of emergency last week over the price of fuel. Kentucky has had an investigation over the way the fuel has gone up in price and gauoging is being reported and people have been arrested over it . Because of the heat and spoilage people are looking for food at resturants. Markets are closed, as are schools and many businesses.

One big concern is the condition of the course at Valhalla about 5 miles from here. The Ryder Cup is being played here starting tomorrow. Louisville was all geared up for the world looking in on the city and the clean up was done today in hopes that all will go well with this long planned event. There is nothing Louisville loves more than a grand sports event and I doubt this will slow things down too much

a favorite resting spot for me and Annabelle

I am still really amazed at how much damage and disruption this has caused. But thankfully we didnt have flooding rain nor did the winds last beyond the few hours. Things are ragged but at least we can clean up and arent suffering like those on the Gulf coast. I have been saying prayers of thanksgiving for that.

Labels: Breaking News, Current Events, Kentucky, Louisville, weather

August 16, 2008

Operation: ReEntry

?
Horse country afternoon Oldham Co. Kentucky

Atmospheric reentry refers to the movement of human-made or natural objects as they enter the atmosphere of a planet from outer space, in the case of Earth from an altitude above the "edge of space." This article primarily addresses the process of controlled reentry of vehicles which are intended to reach the planetary surface intact, but the topic also includes uncontrolled (or minimally controlled) cases, such as the intentionally or circumstantially occurring, destructive deorbiting of satellites and the falling back to the planet of "space junk" due to orbital decay.

Vehicles that typically undergo this process include ones returning from orbit (spacecraft) and ones on exo-orbital (suborbital) trajectories (ICBM reentry vehicles, some spacecraft.) Typically this process requires special methods to protect against aerodynamic heating. Various advanced technologies have been developed to enable atmospheric reentry and flight at extreme velocities.

Mars Exploration Rover (MER) aeroshell, artistic rendition.

When I think of the words "Re Entry" I think of the stories of incredible courage that my Father would tell me of the astronauts and the literal "moments of truth" as each mission would undergo "Reentry" through the earths atmosphere. As the earth rotates there are areas of thinning in the outer atmosphere called "windows" Timing is critical as the vehicle must reenter the atmosphere within one of those windows in precise position or face un endurable heat and burn up or bounce off of the atmospheric veil like a stone being skipped on the surface of a lake. Because of magnetic
interference all radio and computer contact between the vehicle and ground control is cut off for 15 to 25 minutes, so its hold your breath and wait and see if all of your hopes and dreams work out and there is a good landing...

Like the astronauts I too am preparing to make reentry. I have been living alone, moving to my own rhythm and living my own life. Life in the city moves faster than in the Ozarks but I have cocooned myself in my castle on the greens and move slower than the city and slower certainly than I was when working at Transplace. I take long walks with my yipper, spend time in the pool and the gym and shop at the myriad of opportunities...to my own hurt financially, I have spent way too much and need to be more careful from here on out. I have no one to think of or care about and like it that way.

After nearly six months of living in the bluegrass I can say that I have had the time of my life and its not over yet. Its not been easy and there were a lot of very hard times, but this past week I came to the realization that while I love it here and if I was without connections anywhere else I would find a cheaper apartment and find a way to stay here permanently. I have become a different person and the result is that I can see the issues in Arkansas with new eyes. I need to not only face the challenge of embarking on the career that I have trained for these past 6 months but deal with the issues regarding my marriage and these last 13 years of difficulty in relating to my husband.

River City Downtown Louisville as seen from Riverfront Harbor and Park overlooking the Great Lawn that is a public gathering space that is large enough to handle 500,000 people


I was still struggling just a week ago with what I was going to do regarding my future here. I have been hired by a local craft store. Its at a wage that I havent earned in 20 years and not nearly enough to pay for my apartment or even a cheap life here in this not terrible expensive city but more expensive than NW Arkansas.

I have come to the realization that I am not going to get a jewelers job here. Not because I am new, and inexperienced...I am well received and called a jeweler and have even been shown around some stores. The lady at the store that is letting me practice is ok with having me around but it is security,... I am sure that is the issue in general. I dont blame anyone. After giving it a lot of thought I would be the same way with the stranger without connections to the community that wants at my million dollar inventory and to have access to my customer's family heirlooms. I wouldnt hire me and cant blame others.

A couple of things have influenced my decision to prepare to return to the Ozarks. I have been reading Dr. Henry Cloud's great book "The Secret Things of God" this past two weeks. I read a chapter a day in the morning. Its not meant to critique Rhonda Byrne's book but takes us on a journey of how God works in our lives if we let Him. I have become more and more convicted that I need to return and at least tie up loose ends.

The other was a email that I received from a dear friend that in true Calvary Chapel fashion prejudged my situation and demanded that I return to the side of my husband where I belong and how could I disregard my marriage vows like I have... brother...
We have since discussed this and perhaps worked things out, but I found it sad that after twenty years my motives should be judged like that. I had to disclose things that I wish I hadnt, but frankly no one who knows the whole story judges me for anything that I do to try to cope

So I have done what I do in a really life changing situation. When I know that things are really really going to change I go for help. I prayed for a few days then hit the phone book and sure enough a Christian Therapy group is nearby and they had a spot with a young man who is serving his practicum... in other words he is a intern. The price is much less than a licensed pro, and I have found over the years that you get a double dose of help as the intern has an overseer to review the case and help out.

Our first session went very well. When I got there I saw Mark get out of his car and the evil little voice in my head said "He's young enough to be your son what can he possible say to help you..." I smiled to myself. That told me that the enemy of my soul was trying to get me and I laughed it off. After all God can speak in the still of the night, in a rock and roll song, in the writings of a fool and the mouth of a donkey. How much more so from the heart of a young man sold out to God?

And speak He did. He challenge me to think about what I need from Woody to stay married and living with him. Better communication? Caring about the future? Caring about himself? Caring about me?... All of the above. Too much water under the bridge, I dont think enough can be done by either of us to make this work anymore the way it should... I feel that the relationship needs to be reframed and looked at in a more familial ie brother /sister relationship that allows for freedom of expression while honoring our vows to God. This will be done best while living separately I think.

So I was encouraged at least to pray about it. I also began to look for housing for myself a house to buy with what money I have left, and there might be some creative rental/leasing situations to be looked at. I can only do this if I go home on time.

I have many fears... Leaving this place of light and healing and returning to a dark cold cave... the confronting of rejection... and risking losing the devotion of Annabelle which has become simply amazing. I am totally jealous of her and dont want to see her fawn over Woody and ignore me like she does when hes around. I dont know if I can stand being ignored and rejected by the ones I love.

I have a lot of risks in this return. No encouragement from Woody in a loving way, I know he enjoys his freedom and perhaps would rather I didnt come back. It would prolong this separation that seems to have done us both good. It will be interesting to see what preparations he makes as far as my return.

Operation: Reentry is underway may God be with us

Labels: Annabelle, Breaking News, Family History, Kentucky, Louisville, Marriage, Woody

July 12, 2008

"We Have All Become Victims..."

My Instructor Charles Conner and his part time assistant goldsmith Gary Lee. They are attempting to repair a silver plated antique teapot...it was not a success

"I think we are done here", Maureen sighed, as we sat in the Subway at the Holiday Inn where Woody and I had planned this adventure nearly one year ago. "I am so done with the whole thing... I am going home. He can email me when the JA test comes in."

I look at her, worn out and somewhat dejected. I can see my reflection in the glass window. My bitterness over the lack of enthusiasm of our instructor, and my seeming mistake in trusting him at his word that he would do everything possible to help me in my quest to become a jeweler had taken its toll... I had nightmares all the night before and look like a hag.I asked her "What then after the test? What do you want to do?"

Not looking directly at me sort of out the window as she ate she replied, "I dont think I know enough to open my own shop...Work for someone else?"

I smiled to myself. This young lady is very talented and has a lot of savvy. She doesnt realizes how much she knows sometimes. I said " You know there are only a few things you need to know about running a jewelery business beyond the obvious like get a good accounting/POS softwear package like Gellers follow his advice and you will be fine. You are a great jeweler and will only get better with time...But there are three things that you have to know that they DONT do at Conner's and the sad results have left us all victims...

One; be brutally painfully honest to the point of personal hurt with yourself and your vendors and customers. Your reputation is the most important thing you posses and it can be lost in a second. Two; Discretion. You must not casually disclose your profession to anyone. As a single woman living alone this is ten times more important. Protect your address, put the store address on your drivers license and get a PO box. No jewelery stuff should ever be sent to your home. Watch your back, use a alarm system etc. Three; choose your friends wisely.We have seen the bitter fruit of the son of our instructor having a posse of bad boy friends and look at what one of them has done...Ruined everything for all of us..."

Maureen looked up at me..." yeah, we have all become victims of the bad choices of a few...."

We both cleaned out our benches not long after we got back from our lunch... Charlie didnt notice, he was back in his office on the phones, the Internet, whatever. I still have a few days owed to me but frankly I cant see staying there once Mo leaves and goes back to her folks and starts looking for a job up in the Chicago area. I feel so depressed when I am there. I have lost the desire to fight against the forces of darkness and despair that seem to have the upper hand in that place.

Last Monday the ball was put into motion for this sad end when the local paper finally ran an article on the break in at Charlie's house This caused a flurry of interest with the local media with all three of the networks sending news crews out to the school to interview us and to make a point of beating up law enforcement and show the ineptitude of the county prosecutors office who all know who the creep was that did this...sadly its looking like a inside job and the guy is the friend of a friend of Charlies son, Bryan. He knew that the family was going out of town and was going to make a quick hit on the house but found Katie there and heaven only knows what happened as the girl is not saying much to police...

Maureen and I bailed out before the first reporters got there. I (and Mo too) had NO desire to be on TV to even be known to be connected to this and frankly felt that it was the height of stupidity that this was being publicized to this level. They filmed the house, the street number, the school, gave out information regarding how the security had been lacking... and every bodies names are out there in plain sight for the local tweekers and gang bangers to come on over for a handout on the swag. I certainly have no desire to be followed home from the school some evening and be a crime victim. Mo has keys to the school which she surrendered this week thank God because she is living in not the best part of town and has never been in a situation like this.

My new contacts locally swearer that the word on the street is that this friend of Bryans is the thug that beat Katie up and this was brought on by the total lack of security and professional demeanor required of a jeweler. As I told Mo, people on our street in Hawaii had no idea who we were or what we did and we found out later that they thought that we were law enforcement (Woody wore a uniform with a badge for his security job, and I guess I fit the profile of a lady Cop...go figure and thank you Jesus for the perfect disguise.) We were left alone, and really that was God's protecting us as we were alone so much...


The news has even reached the blogosphere and you can read their coverage here at
911 Wackos: 911 robbery call ignored for half hour


Gary and Charlie trying to weld a handle back on a silverplated teapot

Sadly the true victim, Katie hasnt been given the space or time needed to deal with the situation. We know that a lot of times people think you should just "get over it" and this seems to be the way the family is looking at things. Katie was in a public venue when she saw the story broadcast on Tv and freaked out. She went home confronted her step father who felt that he had the right to tell about how he had been wronged and to get his stuff back. Its all about him... She and he had this huge fight and he kicked her out of the house...blame the victim...great. He and the girls mother had a fight then and he went to their house in the country and spent a day brooding leaving his responsibility and the school to whatever....

The whole situation is so emotionally charged and negative emotions are so high that a very sensitively wired person like myself picks up this like Doppler radar can see hidden moisture in the air. I have spent a large part of my life reading the unspoken communication of individuals in order to survive and I find that this situation is about to explode. This family and those of us involved in the school and business are all caught up in this drama that will have no good end. I realized that I am afraid. Afraid because I am sitting in harms way everyday at the school, I am not getting the care or consideration that as a student I should have gotten and now cant get because the personal drama is not left at home but comes into work everyday.

...I saw the guy that robbed Charlie when he came in to sell he gold that day in May. I could pick him out of a line up and that makes me afraid. He saw me sitting there...

My apartment is secure I have an alarm system which I use faithfully when I go in and come out. I tell few people what I do and keep to myself. I watch my back and am inside long before dark...But...

I wake up when I hear noises in the night. I realized that my own snoring and upset account for a lot of this... The nightmares that tormented me most of my young life have returned after YEARS of absence. There was a time when my dream life was so negative that sleep was a torment. If this persists I will seek professional help, no matter what.

I pray a lot and know that time is a healer like nothing else. I will continue to read about my chosen profession and learn more that way. I have my time with Jerry yet to look forward to... I am not cutting my time short here and will be aggressively looking for work as well. If I get something that will subsidize my expenses here I will stay as long as I can. The economy being in the shape that it is in may mean a postponement of my opening my business would be wise. Woody has not said that he desires my return, and I have tried to not think too much about that. If he wanted me home I would consider it absolutely, but I think God is doing something right now in his life that is good and I dont want to get in the way of that.

I chose many years ago to stop being a victim. I know that there are those that still think that I am with regards to my relationship with Woody and all of that. But I lived in fear of the return of my rapist and later the stalker boyfriend that was beyond scary in his persistent pursuit of me... I have lived under the radar for years because my life with the Engineer was filled with people that were best left behind. I dont want to go this way again. The things one fears rarely happen. Once you realize that you see that life gets good again... the door opens and you arent a victim anymore...

Mo and shop cat Eeyore, named ofter the Winnie the Pooh character for his formerly shy depressed personality... he is in love with Mo and will be going home with her to Chicago once she is finished with school

Labels: Breaking News, Conner School, Current Events, Louisville, Woody

May 01, 2008

Through the Fire

The beautiful Charity Chapel,Little Portion Hermatage, Berryville AR

I dont get emails from John Michael Talbot often, and only a handful that were not a part of a greater distribution, So I was surprised to see on in my inbox. He was to be on tour until summer, so it was unexpected

John Michael Talbot

the message was worse

From JMT - Written on Tuesday, April 29,2008

Dear Hokulea,

Last night the sleep of the Brothers and Sisters of Charity, Monastic, was interrupted close to midnight as a raging fire burned our Chapel and Common Center to the ground. Viola and I were the first on the scene as I saw the orange/red glow through our hermitage's back windows. Upon arriving we found there were no hoses capable of stopping the raging flames. I ran up the hill and woke up the community, and we started the almost futile task of spraying down the part of the Common Center that had not yet burned and retrieving anything from inside we could still find.

A Photo of the Chapel and Commons going up in flames. the loss is devestating

He went on to say that the Chapel, Refectory, Library and offices for the various ministries as well as Troubadour For The Lord Records and its inventory were a total loss. However praise be to God that while there is smoke injuries No one was killed or injured. They are so far up in the hills that it took the fire dept nearly 30 minutes to respond to the fire and sadly the community was not prepared for a fire like this.


The bell tower of the now destroyed Charity Chapel Little Portion Monestery, Berryville AR

I am praying for these dear people who mean the world to me. JMT said to me at the last retreat as we were sharing a meal that he really wanted to focus on the Community in the comming years, That he has loved every minute of his 50 years of performing recording and playing music, it wasnt the thing he knew God was doing in his life anymore full time. How interestng that all of the awards, trophies, memorabelia, photos and archives of the past 30 years vanished in an hour. This man who would tell you he owns nothing and cares only for the people God has entrusted to his leadership, has seen a devastating personal loss of stuff, but perhaps a freeing up to do more. For example, the community has been concerned for years about the wooden buildings, and have slowly as funds allowed rebuilt in durable stone more in keeping with the enviroment here. The fire has been ruled accidental and there was proper insurance. They can rebuild more quicklly this way but it was a painful way to get to this point.

If anyone is interested in donating to the building fund you can click herethis takes you to Troubadour For The Lord ministies website and is secure. Thank you for your prayers and intrest weather you give or not

This is a community that has weathered many storms, has stood through controversy and misunderstanding and even distain. JMT has seen it all and as I have said before that one of the many reasons I have admired him for much of my life is that "he walks the talk..." .Perhaps this latest trial is yet another way to show the world this radiacal way to love God and to live out that love totally by serving others. When I get discouraged, I will remeber this, and through the fires of our lives with the help of God we will see it through to the end...

.With a Little Help From our friends... receiving a gift from the brothers of Subiaco Monestery, The Monastic Brothers and Sisters of Charity,( yes including the kids!)Berryville AR

Labels: Breaking News, Catholic, Faith, John Michael Talbot, Little Portion

April 16, 2008

"We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Program...."

One of my best friends now that hot tea is my drink of choice these days...

Definition of Interruption
Interruption

The act of interrupting, or breaking in upon.


The state of being interrupted; a breach or break, caused by the abrupt intervention of something foreign; intervention; interposition.


Obstruction caused by breaking in upon course, current, progress, or motion; stop; hindrance; as, the author has met with many interruptions in the execution of his work; the speaker or the argument proceeds without interruption.


Temporary cessation; intermission; suspension.

The coughing fits were unbelievable in their intensity, I gasped for air to find none, then to feel my brain thrown sideways against my skull, as my diaphragm jerked my chest forward in another heaving spasmodic wave. I coughed none stop for thirty minutes. I know, I was watching a clock across the room. The barking sounds coming from my throat confused my dog who was whining and barking at me, tail between her legs, perhaps despairing that somehow she was displeasing me and I was yelling at her. She knew there was a problem but not what it was. I sat there on the floor, in the mess I had made, trying to reassure her non verbally, my head spinning...Finally in an effort to get up and get to the bathroom, I managed to get up and into a chair off of my knees... Only to start coughing again, and as I tried to stand, I fell forward and blacked out...

I woke to Annabelle licking my face in a frantic effort to wake me up... She is my best friend in truth...

... "Doctor I have been ill for nearly three weeks but the cough started 10 days ago..." and it started again, the incredible coughing spasms, I practically threw myself into this mans arms the forward motion was so violent. I know he was surprised because of the look on his face as he held me by the shoulders as I coughed my brains out into the towel he provided quickly. Looking at what I had produced, he said " As you said no sign of infection and you are an allergy sufferer... With the rains the mold here is particularly bad, and of course everything in the world is blooming just now... but I don't think that is what this is. I think you have Pertussis. I looking at him and said "Whooping Cough? I know I was vaccinated for that, Im too old for the "Dont Vacinate your Kid for fear of what ever" crowd...

He went on to say that the description of the course of my illness exactly matches what happens when Whooping Cough is presented Low grade infection that seems to go away, but all that has done is fool the body into thinking that its done its job in the meantime the Pertussis bacteria breeds in your lungs, filling them up. By the time your body realizes there is this problem its too late and the horrendous
cough is the last ditch effort of the body to fight it off. Infants suffucate from the mucus this plague generates. In adults, you take over the counter drugs like Mucinex and it doest touch it. I had taken OTCs for the full three weeks and was so saturated with the various chemicals in them that my ususally low blood pressure was up to 160/100. That in an of its self was scary, and had I not gone to the doctor, that could have had a very bad outcome.

So the doctor gave me an antibiotic. I was still skeptical, but he said that this antibiotic was fairly specific and if I had something else my sputum would go from clear to slightly discolored, if it is pertussis, it will be very ugly, and a lot of it. Take the other three percriptions to handle the cough, clear liquids and bed rest. NO OTC's period, no even asprin for a few days. drink as much water as I can to clear out and reduce my Blood Pressure... that would go a long way to making me feel better

Fortunaly, the nest is well stocked with food and doggy treats, I I went home and locked myself in. He was right, my sputum turned so vile that had he not mentioned it I might have gone to ER thinking I was dying finally.The first day was still very bad but it has gradually gotten better, but I am still very weak and feel like a feather could knock me over.

My instructor was very encouraging, and rightly wants me to stay home untill I am over this. The atmosphere at the school, with the chemicals, particulate from filing sanding and polishing as well as the smoking that goes on there is no good for me right now. I am not missing anything because the classes repeat at intervals and I am going to be here for a long while yet.

Woody was willing to drive back out here, but I waved him off as he could get this too and he is better off where he is. Nothing on him, mind you, but his ideas of pampering me and mine are way different. I really need to just be quiet and alone. I dont need errands run or anything, Annabelle is going to do her business on the pad things and yes my trash and out bound mail are piling up but perhaps she and I will take to short walk to the trash and mail box today, Its a nice sunny day today.

I used to find that innteruptions into "my" life plan were so annoying...but I think now that they are God's way of showing me something. My broken foot last fall was a great example of that. It slowed me down to see the possiblities of a different future than the one that I was bitterly resigning myself to. It gave me time to listen to God and to my own heart and to formulate a plan.

I see that this is true in this situation as well. I have had time to connect with my new surroundings. Time to rest to play and bond with Annabelle, who now wants to be with me every moment I am home (other than jump into the shower, she cant understand why I would want to get wet everyday....) To think and be quiet... that has been a great gift...

But some more tea and time to get comfy on the the couch. I still cough violently when laying down. I am so looking forward to a real nights sleep prone on a bed. At Dawn the sun rises just over the first green. Its lovely to see the sunrise again.

Labels: Annabelle, Breaking News, Conner School, Faith, Health, Woody

February 29, 2008

Leap Of Faith

.Country Sunset near Caldwell Arkansas

DON'T BE NERVOUS! You are going to have a relaxed and fun time learning all you hope to, I'm quite sure......Charles Conner, instructor Conner Jeweler's School to yours truly, in a email...

"If I find 10,000 ways something won't work, I haven't failed. I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward.'
Thomas A. Edison

"Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."
Thomas A. Edison

I suppose that sounds rather New Agey, but anytime I am feeling like I have failed to succeed I try to take a look at these two quotes. Actually there are a bunch of others that I like to read, but I didn't have time to include all of them.

And that leads me to my next point/comment. The moments that I find that I am most disappointed with myself are tied into the fear of failure, not failure, but the fear of it. It is much easier to live with knowing that you tried than to say that you never did.
by Jack of Random Thoughts... Do They Have Meaning?

I have taken another huge leap of faith in my venture towards my goal to be self employed again and becoming a jeweler. This was a natural step and one that has been coming for the past 6 months. Tonight is my last night at thisplace and as an employed person. I am frightened and hopeful, reluctant and rejoicing.

It has been a good run. Two years and 4 months of steady employment and insurance coverage, challenges and times of peaceful existence. I have learned a great deal about myself and about the people around me as well as the culture and nuances of life in North West Arkansas. Thisplace has been a good place to come and work. But this good season has come to an end. There are major changes underway that will make it harder for me to work here. We had a Vice President go crazy this week and fire a bunch of people that crossed him. This and other things have told me that this is the time for me to go.

I gave my two weeks notice this week and fully expected to be walked out tonight. But they were willing to have me work till my end date in my letter of resignation letter. But Woody and I both see a huge number of projects that need to be done before I go to New Albany and my training. I also found myself second guessing my decision and saying and doing things that I wouldn't do normally, but because I am a "short timer" I felt emboldened. This is wrong. I have never burnt a bridge with regards to an employer and I am not starting now.

This is the first time that I have ever quit a good paying job with nothing in the offing. But I know that this will be good. I have felt like a disembodied spirit these last few days. I have watched my friends get transferred to new accounts and others mournfully left behind to clean up the mess. I was going to be sitting alone after having a desk mate that has become a good friend, doing who knows what instead of having something positive to do. I know that I can effect positive changes and get a lot of chores done if I am at home these next few weeks.

I also hate messy goodbyes. My friends are upset. They wanted the "going-away" thing ect, and my birthday is next week ect they wanted to have a party... This is just as well.

And so I go. My van is full of cartons of stuff. I emptied my computer of personal information as best I could, I am sitting in my stripped down desk and feeling odd that I may never pass this way again... As I made the familiar drive home under a canopy of stars on a moonless night, I thought about how I will miss being out in the night air, but glad I am not making the long commute with gas prices climbing every day. The shop is just on half mile from our home

I have stepped foot on the road, the real road towards a future that is full of unknowns. May God be with me, I feel like I have jumped off of a cliff. I am hoping to have sprouted wings... Maybe I can fly....

Labels: Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Breaking News, Business start up, Conner School, Dreams, working