March 13, 2009

A Clean Well Lighted Place

Soft Light, a side table in my "den"

"Let there be no mistake, where even one of us is-the entire Body of Christ dwells, through the inviable mystical body of unity-" St Peter Damian, Doctor of the Church

I have really been affected this week by so many of the reports this week about how poeple are dealing with their financial trials... or not dealing with them. Reports not of raw numbers..."there were so many foreclosures this week" ...or "statistics show there are more families on the street now..." kind of dumb, no house means homeless for most people. People trying to do the right thing now have no job and no place to go...Families "couch surfing" with a reletive, kids moving back in with parents... Individuals now living in a camping tents in a park when they were gainfully employed and had a home a year ago. The images are iconic and resemble Depression era photos and drawings that I have seen.

I understood and related to a lot of the stories. Life choices based on a reality that changed for them. Many did have savings and did have retirement plans and didnt have bad loans. But life's issues crept up on them. A daughter's college, a son coming back from Iraq disabled and needing medical treatment... Parents losing their retirement savings... you losing a job two years ago and temping since then now there are no extra jobs...Things unravel fast...

My life changed because I chose to change it. I borrowed against the house to go to school, and start a business. Yes I didnt do as well as I hoped and yes I spent more money than I wanted to, but truthfully I made a good business plan, and thought that I was good to go on setting up the business. But I saw the economy melting down, I was emotionally melting down, Woody wasnt prepared to support me and the business or even himself. Life changed unexpectedly for me. I am no different than anyone else going through this. Knowing that helps me cope when I feel like I am not going to make it. Being homeless is one of my greatest fears and many are the nights that I contemplate it. I have been reassured that this is not going to be my fate, but I am still concerned, because this has become the reality for thousands.

I also read on the blogs a lot of self righteous people blaming the victims. This is just wrong. I have met many people who have found themselves in a real jam since this debacle broke last summer. Yes many did dumb things. Frankly the whole nation did a lot of dumb things for a long time. Many people, especially the retirees I know did nothing wrong, all they did was just save their money... Buy and Hold was the watch word.Look what it got most of them!...

But rather than blame, the words of Peter Damian, quoted by Fr John Corapi SOLT, on Fr Mitch's live show on EWTN the other night rang true to me. He challenged us to see everyone that is struggling as a part of the Body of Christ. In truth, in serving "the poor" you are serving Christ. Rather than blame we need to relearn the fine art of helping people. I have already seen and heard of great efforts to lend a hand to the struggling... If the politicrats in DC would give some of this "Stimulus" money to regular people to facilitate helping out at the grass roots, the economy would jump start. No doubt about it.

The image of the warm clean well lighted place is somewhat iconic for me. I have always felt that if I had this I would be ok. The last year living with Woody I didnt feel I had this, I would come home to the dark house that was dirty and unkept...yes I was partly to blame but I wasnt ambulatory, and was working, and didnt understand why I seemed to have to do it all. It made me angrier and angrier, until the rage was overwelming. I shut down and didnt do anything. I moved to Louisville and into that somewhat sterile apartment, and found that I felt at home in a way I havent in years. Why? it was clean and bright and I could manage it

Truthfully, I think I ran away from home, and that affect the process at Connors and everything else. The rage had time to burn out, now I am shaken and have no confidence in myself. Failing bench tests makes it all feel like a waste... Having great interviews and not getting the jobs isnt helping. I find that I can go to my former home and only feel sad and not angry. I am sad that Woody is living is surroundings that are so depressing to me, sad he cant get a job...I know its not anything he can do much about right now...I am sad he made huge financial mistakes and has nothing to live on in his retirement.Im worried about what is going to happen to him. I see these folks living so hard...It scares me for him and for me.

I see this change in my heart attitude as a step forward.

The title of my post is from a short story of Hemmingway's... I feel like the sad subject of the story needing the light and social aspects of community. Right now much of my community is provided by EWTN. I need to find some sort of social outlet. My friend Linda and I are astranged, I am not sure why. She dropped me off two weeks ago tonight after the road trip to Birmingham, said she'd see me Sunday, and now hasnt come to church for two weeks. She will not answer emails or return phone calls. She concerned several couples at the church so they called to check on them and nothing. So this past Monday she came to a small group breakfast and while she smiled and did ask after a issue in my life she was preoccupied with a new friend and there was no comment regarding anything that had transpired perviously. It was as though she didnt really know me. Yet we had spent days sharing a lot of very personal stuff. I sense she feels badly about something, but she wont let me hash it out with her.... This kills me.

I owe her a great deal. She in taking me to Birmingham provided a "clean well lighted place" that helped me get through a huge loss that she said she understood. If I over stepped or was too much I would like to say Im sorry in person. I certainly will pay her back for the hotel room once I am working. In the mean time I will keep praying that somehow she realizes the harm that has been done. You dont tell me or anyone that you "love" them then abandon them. That is the worst sort of disloyalty, painful in the extreme.

My puppy plans are on hold for a bit. I hope to get to work, and the first few weeks will be very demanding no matter what I do. If no work comes, I may have to relocate somewhere where there are more jobs. Arkansas says they have low unemployment but we have a shadow unemployment because of all of the contract workers here, a lot of people are not being counted. Several areas are being touted to me. I would hate to give up this home in the trees but I am open to whatever God shows me is what He wants me to do.

In the mean time I have this cute puupy substitute. Thank you all for your encouragement since Annabelle's death. I cry for her every day I miss her so. But its getting easier to see other doggies, maybe I will be ready soon for a new baby. I certainly hope so....

My puppy substitute peaking out of her bag.

Labels: Breaking News, Marriage, Personal Growth, Relationships