December 24, 2007

Where is Christmas

Holiday Cheer

My Christmas tree is still in its carton on my kitchen floor, my mantle is half decorated, and most of my Christmas cards will most likely have to be labled Valentine's Day cards....I have done nothing to improve the national economy, in otherwords no shopping. I have bought no gifts, and neither has Wood. Ive sung few carols, and watched no specials on TV...

There is little of Christmas in our house...

Ive sat for many hours thinking and prayed, poured over my business plan and with the notes on the discussions of the job with International. I have spent countless hours with Annabelle or the kitties and Woody. I have worked and worked at my job. I have wondered about the customs and the culture of Christmas, and what I have thought was important in years past.

I have come to understand that none of it matters

Family get togethers and not having them... its ok
Participation in Christmas functions, I want to do this, but not doing it...its ok
Giving gifts, great to do and I did get some stuff for the Angel Tree,but not having a huge gift list is OK

I am burned out mentally and wish that I could just run away for a few days...but I am chained to my desk, and my life here. The mental "unpacking" I have been doing is good I think..hey you cant dump out baggage of the mind unless you unpack it and choose to let it go. I had another moment of that tonight at the Candlelight service at the Methodist church. The group that will be leading the contemporary worship had their first outing. I really wanted to be a part of that. I have worked and spent the last year or so helping with the planning... My working nights and now leaving for Louisville eiminated my participation in any of it. I wasnt asked to join in at all, even at the Hospitality level. It hurt a bit.

Leading worship is a part of my past as well. I found myself defined by that ministry for nearly 7 years. I looked at the young women that were doing that tonight and thought a thought that I have often had... that this is a ministry for the young to the young of their generation and I need to give it up and pray for them and support them in every way that I can... but that wasnt what came out... What I felt was..

I could have been a part of this if I wasnt working nights... but I needed to work nights because it was the best way to deal with my situation at home and my situation at home would be wonderful if Woody would just be a husband and let me be a wife to him. Why do I have to give up MY LIFE and do everything so his life just stays wonderful and comfortable and...He gets to retire... I get to support him and after 25 years of this he dies leaves me a pauper and says "I dont care about it, I will be dead after all..." Such love leaves me speechless.

Im doing the business because I cant stay at thisplace. I will one day be obsolete there and I will have to give that up...What value does a desk job give you. A business can be sold for a profit in addition to the money you earn from it. But why must I be concerned about such things when it is the husbands place to do that...I look at these people and their happy lives everything in order... my life is so out of order that people would recoil if they knew what my heart is like.

I cant stay at thisplace as it is full of men who are ripe for the picking and one day I may pull an Eve and pick some poison fruit.

I am running away from home and using my half of our net worth to do it. Woody said to me he wants a share in the business. I know that it will end up like Azure Seas. He will get into it and throw his weight around and I will end up losing it like I lost my store... with my name on the loans...

I want to kick myself..
If I only had a family...
If I could turn back the clock.. .

None of this is productive, but my heart is full of it, of anger and I can perhaps unpack it to the priest when I have to make my full confession in March. I have no one that can talk to about it. I have tried to talk to Woody. He is sorry "that I am so sad... but he cant change anything now..." OK the situation is what it is... I am chained to it and the shackle that chains me to it has rubbed a raw wound into my spirit and it has festered and is bleeding to the point now that I fear that I will never recover.

He doesnt care... no one around me cares and life just goes on...

I ask "Where is Christmas?"

I am not alone in the asking. So many of the people that I know are just weary to the pits of their souls. A friend is spending his last Christmas with his family. His wife filed for divorce and they will tell the children after the holiday. My neighbor is so overwelmed with depression and just the feeling of disconnect that she cant pull together a holiday spirit. The sad thing is that we are all Christians and this should be the most joyous time of year. It seems to be insted a time of dread and discomfort. The expectations have gotten too high and let down is starting sometime before Thanksgiving

At the risk of being sooooo gloomy. The weather is beautiful and I am glad to be alive. I wish that there were a better way for me. Nothing about my life is ever simple. I knew that once we left Hawaii and started living a "normal" life that these things would surface and we would have to deal with them. I just never realized that I would be the one wrestling alone.

It is past midnight Dec 24 and I am watching a short version of a Benediction, where the priest chants the Litany of the Sacred Heart...my favorite title in the prayer is..."Heart of Jesus, Burning Furnace of Charity" I know that right now I am deep in that burning furnace, being prepared for a future holiness that is beyond me.. truly that will be the greatest Christmas gift that I have ever received beyond my salvation. I need to keep trusting and as Pastor David said tonight...Try to let go of these things of the past that hold you down...I am trying to do that and move beyond the suffering... and in doing so find Christmas anew, and find the joy of My Lord once more.

Labels: Catholic, Faith, Family History, Marriage, Praise and Worship, Prayers, Woody