January 16, 2009
Suddenly Snowfall, the TV room "popout" that looks over the ravine (shown below) taken in the midst of the snowfall Peartree Cottage Bella Vista AR
Beyond all abandonment, I trust...and in spite of my own feeling...I trust. God is completely transforming me into trust...often in spite of what I feel.
Above all things I trust in you, Jesus, for You are unchangeable. My moods change, but You are always the same,...full of mercy.
From the Diary of St Faustina (Diary,1489)
Like many places this week, Northwest Arkansas was hit with a blast of cold air that was surprising for not only its sudden arrival... it had been a balmy 60 degrees just a few days before...but its intensity.Its got down below zero here, and the tiny bit of moisture that passed through turned to a dusting of snow just in time for the morning commute. Imagine the delight of parents arriving at school only to be informed that school was canceled... for a microscopic amount of snow.... sheeesh! Woody didn't go into work either. The temperature was below the limit that the dealership allows for the guys to work the floor. Annabelle and I bundled up in the "TV" room, and I worked the Internet job boards lining up appointments for today. I am interviewing every chance that I get, no matter the weather. Annabelle napped and dreamed of warmer days when she could romp in the Kentucky sun. I didnt tell her that the weather was worse there and I am glad to be here.
My new home is not very well insulated, something I will be checking out before I purchase it later on this year. It could be that this is not the best investment, as there are more and more issues that I am discovering. I good inspection is in order for sure...but we shall see. All of the windows are marginal with regards to temperature transference...with means its going to be hot in here during the summer months as well. I bought some of that plastic sheeting that you use a blow dryer to seal on to your windows interior side to help seal off drafts, and socket sealers, little insulating pads that you put into the switch plate covers to seal them off. I am going to work on that My heat pump is set on 60 with emergency heat on so the air will be warm. I close off the bed rooms when we are not in there and use space heat when we are in bed. With her heater, Annabelle's room was nice and warm. The little bedroom is not much bigger than a closet really, but has its own bath nice really if you had one child this would be a perfect home for a small family. Her crate is on the floor but its wrapped in fleece blankies and out of the draft so she is snugly warm at night. My room on the other hand is an ice box. I hadnt turned the space heat on in there and it was 40 degrees in there as I was getting ready for bed. A veritable meat freezer. I always have a heating pad hooked up and ready. I get horrible leg cramps sometimes and that heat always helps, I turned it on and put it in bed with me. I woke a few hours later and the room was sufficiently warm to not need the pad... I wonder what the poor do that do not have heat. This lady has been in the news here because her story
spotlights the problems people are having all over the country keeping the power on and keeping warm. I keep praying and hopeing for a job soon so I dont join those ranks. Im some ways I am already there as I am trying to live as frugally as I can, as though I dont have options...I might not if I dont get something soon...
Im sure you can hear the faint thread of desparation in my voice as I write. One thing I want to do is to get back to really expressing how I REALLY FEEL on this blog. I candy coated a lot of stuff for the sake of my job, Woody, and others around me that arent comfortable with me describing my life via the internet. Truth is I am scared, really scared that for all of my efforts I wont get anything at all and end up... I dont know... I dont have anything to fall back on...
I am a fan of Super Nanny. I know that a lot of the show is scripted, there cant always be happilly ever after, but I do like a lot of her methods, in how she deals with grief and loss especially. Tonights show was a family that had disintigrated over job loss, death and forclosure. I understood why the Mom just gave up and figurativly "rolled up into a ball" I feel that way too. I feel badly that I mishandled a lot of things and that my situation is so rocky. But some of this was inevitable, and if not now when? Woody reassured me tonight to not worry about it and that he is ok with whatever happens, that our marriage was a cancer, and we waited so long to remove it that the paitent our lives are taking a huge beating over it...But we will recover eventually. You have to get beyond the past...which was the point of tonights show and really the point of my time in Louisville. Move into the next frame of the movie of your life...
I so want to do that. But in God's time not mine and I know that could mean a nail biter of a wait. This year my spiritual goal is to learn to totally trust on God's provision and do not twist the arm of God, nor rush ahead and grab what I can in hopes that it is the right thing. I need to learn to live in the moment. Tomorrow will take care of itsself. All I can do is the best I can do today, look hard for anything that will pay something and keep moving. This too shall pass, and just as suddenly as the brown world turned to white overnight. God will make a way for me. I have to believe that, and grow my faith
Labels: Faith, Marriage, Pear Tree Cottage