January 12, 2009

The Petition

my morning window

post started 1-08-2009

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way (I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go)
take me all the way (through the motions)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions

Matthew West

I heard this song this morning and it really sunk in. I think that the desire to stop "going through the motions" is the main reason why I find myself sitting in my lawyers office preparing a counter petition for my divorce. Woody's lawyer set up the petition in the most general way charging me with cruel indignities ect... Sorry I dont want that to go on the record.. Let the truth be told once and for all. I am living in a unconsumated marriage with a man that has spent ever last cent of his retirement with the feckless abandonment of a boy with his allowence. While we have had many many many great times and perhaps still will in the future, I dont want to live as thought this is "happily ever after". I hope that perhaps if I am found worthy I might yet find love again with someone else, and in the mean time I want to be free to serve God as He will and I cant while being bound to Woody.

It doesnt make it easy. There is a lot of unrest in my heart still. I feel badly that I have left him with the house and the mortgage. I go over there and the empty book cases and the general desolation has got to be depressing. I feel like I have not handled this situation as best as I could...but then, I look at the half empty house and realize that this is how the house of my soul has seemed to feel for years and now as the healing has started, I understand that I must look forward and not spend too much time dwelling on this. God has moved me forward and much of the time I feel simply happy for the first time in a long time.

Woody asked me for money this week. I have enough cash in savings for 90 days or so. Not much really in this economy. My prayer is that I will get a job and I am trying looking every day on the Internet. ( I have submitted my resume over 500 times since I returned to Arkansas in November.) I have done some interviewing as well and feel that now that the holidays are over something will come along. I am not picky, and will do what ever to get started again. I dont feel good about giving him money. He has friends that will help him, he can stay in the house many months if he defaults, and there is the painful past...I have no on to help me. I dont have a mortgage right now but a lease. I can be booted out pretty quickly, not that I think Mr. Herring would do that, but I need to be wise about this

It still twisted my heart. I wondered if I did wrong. Why was I so driven about leaving? I have to say that while I was in Louisville I didnt write on my blog the depth of anger, rage fear and disgust I felt about my relationship. Being removed allowed me to vent a lot of that. Its now burnt itsself out and what is left is a bit of an empty shell. Today...the most painful thing is that Woody, who knew I was feeling at time suicidal and filled with grief over it all never said anything like " I love you why dont you come home and we will work it out..." or "I need you home you are done with Charlie's, " or "Please stay in the house and help me while we both get on our feet..." Frankly I felt like he wanted me out in so many words and that makes this harder for me. Being unwanted is the lifetime grief of my soul. No matter how much stuff I received from Woody, what I wanted was his love and acceptance, and I dont feel that I ever received that. It really hurts and now by filing the petition, perhaps I will find peace in this area of my life...

Every morning, when its a clear day, the sun rises in my bedroom window. It signals a truth that I really processed in Louisville, that God gives us a new day to literally "start over". We get a new chance to renew our life journey. Each day is a precious gift. I try to respect the day, and utilize it as best I can. That doesnt mean I have to accomplish a bunch of things...today I put away a few books, did a few online resumes and made a few calls. I also went out and got my hair cut... a much needed excursion. And there is the daily walk with my Annabelle. I rise early and go to bed at the same time. The ruetine is a comfort and I believe will help me regain my health to what it was before I married Woody... My hair dresser already thinks my hair is growing thicker... I have hair so thin you can see my scalp and I am not a old woman. I just need to not sit around and cry about the past. I did a lot of that in Louisville and now I am done with this grieving.

I have stopped wearing my wedding rings and the beautiful Commitment ring that I had made when I first became a Christian. I cannot bear looking at them even though I love the peices very much. I have been wearing a band that Woody gave me nearly 10 years ago that I thought was too delicate for everyday wear. I learned that the under gallery is very supportive and I can wear the sparkling confection daily as long as I dont do home improvement projects in it. Woody noticed that I was wearing it and it made him smile. I didnt take my ring off to piss him off, just to move forward and he got it.

My home is shaping up the way I hoped it would and its making the feeling of being up to my eyeballs in debt worthwhile. As I unload the boxed of books, hang the drapes and enjoy a very new, contemporary styled "chick pad" I feel like I am making a home. I have decorated my bedroom and bathroom with textiles I bought in Hilo before we left (drapes bedding and shower curtain courtesy of JC Penney "Local Style" section) above the bed I hung the print of Hilo Bay,that I had framed in Louisville. There is a lot of a aloha in there and it feels really good. I also have created flower arragements with a tropical feel that gives the whole place a Kapalua look. It reminds me of a upscale condo on Ka'anapalli Beach. Then you go outside and its Ozark leaves and trees. Its so the way my life is now. The aloha is still here but I am here in the southern plains, and living large at that.

Should this not work out and I am not able to get a job I am not sure what I will do. perhaps look at going back to Louisville. I have contacts there that might be able to help me get started, but that isnt what I want to do just now. things are pretty good here economiclly and I am sure I can get a position doing something. Pray for me if you would that I will find work soon. That will go a long way to help me feel settled. Until that happens I need to trust that God will continue to provide. That is my lesson I am learning right now and my petition to On High.

Labels: Annabelle, Bella Vista, Faith, Hawaii, Louisville, Marriage, Pear Tree Cottage, Woody, working