June 02, 2009

Too Many Nevers

Afternoon Surf... North Shore Oahu

Post started 5-29-09

"When you remember me, it means that you have carried something of who I am with you, that I have left some mark of who I am on who you are. It means that you can summon me back to you mind even though countless years and miles may stand between us. It means that if we meet again, you will know me. It means that even after I die you can still see my face and hear my voice and speak to me in your heart..."

Frederick Buechner, "Whistling in the Dark" with a hat tip to Rev. David Fleming

Its been a really tough week...maybe one of the toughest weeks of my life. I just cant hardly believe that so much is going on at once. When I pause to think about it The torrent of greif, fear and sadness floods over me. I dont know how long I can continue this way, I really need a break, and God is the only one who can help me with that...

There have been "never again moments" all week long... every day I have had some and the tears have been non stop. Is this good? Maybe... The grief release is probably just what I need right now.

Well Hoku, I have had word that the Tribunal is set to do a final consideration at the Magesterial Court in Oaklahoma City, its a formality, and I am certain that you will get your annulment....

and with that, Monday was the end of my marriage to the Engineer. While this was a much sought after situation my heart twinged just a touch at the thought that in this life on earth or in heaven we were never truly married in the eyes of God or the church. For I loved him, like I have loved no other... he was fun and exciting and it was never a dull moment. I can still see his bright blue eyes and hear him calling to me with terms of endearment, something Woody rarely did. We have been apart 20 years this December yet it seems like only yesterday that we were together living yes not the life God would have had us live but we were in love and I have missed that all of this time...I doubt that I will know such crazy love again and I long for it sometimes when I hear the wild child I was howling in my soul....

I know this is very hard but no matter what we are going to forclosure on your home...you need to figure out how you are going to make the payments because if you dont there will be additional charges, to the tune of thousands of dollars...

The disaster of last tuesday is still haunting me...Not only am I losing the home Woody is living in but I am losing my home because I dont have the resources now to keep going here. two houses two homes... two people homeless. Its unbelievable. But I saw this coming last year...there was a part of me that hoped that Woody would feel the fear, the pain I felt... What a fool I was because a man that is numb from the chin down wont feel anything no matter what. Woody told me that afternoon that he no longer loved me that he felt nothing and that he didnt care that he didnt feel. Later on he called and tried to comfort me. But the emptiness, the lonliness and the loss... that I am losing a home and a husband sent me into a tailspin. I am also losing a false security, a false life really, that I held for years and I will never know that sort of comfort again

"Oh Hoku, she made me not tell you... Jean was like that you know. She was private to the extreme. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer back in March. She said she called you at Easter, that was a goodbye call. She went into Hospice and died peacefully this morning. She had very little pain..."

Aunt Betty Grace, was so upset, and I cried my heart out. Aunt Jean was 90 and full of days. I know she was with the Lord, and with her beloved Peter. But I will miss her. She was a living link to my father and his life. In the years since she regained the ability to be in touch with us, (she struggled with very severe mental illness most of her life...)she shared bits and peices of a different life and a different time. Most of all I hear words that ment a lot to me. She would remind me that my Dad loved me. I heard it more from her than I ever heard it directly from him

I cried not because I wasnt informed but because I cannot remember a word of that last conversation, and I took it for granted that I would speak to her again. I always told her that I loved her, and yes, the "never" of not being able to tell her that I love her again is a bittersweet.

The Judge:"This divorce is being petitioned on the basis of non consumation...
Ms. Kealoha...how long were you married to Mr.W?
13 years, sir...
You have my condolences, and your freedom upon the end of his hearing. You petition is granted..."

I dont think I need to elaborate with regards to my relationship with Woody. We are both glad that this is over and that we were couragous enough to tell the truth with regards to my resons for a divorce. The statements on those divorce papers belie the good times...the adventures, and the experience that we had.

There are those in my life who say "good riddance" but Woody is not trash to be thrown out. He is a broken person. He is a lost person, and sadly he has no one to help him. So its my hope to help him find some resources this week while I am looking out for myself. I wont be at peace if I think that Woody isnt in a safe place.so I am hoping to find him an advocate at the VA to start his disability paperwork.

I also have begun to work on the Magesterial Annulment for Woody's and my marriage. I may not actually need the same type of paperwork because I was technically never free to marry him in the first place, by cannon law.

The "never" is that while I was never a wife in fact, the divorce ends the waiting the praying the hoping that God would somehow repair the brokeness, and make the relationship into what it should have been. It makes me sad that this did not happen, it is not going to happen and by being honesst about it now I am free to find happiness where I will.

They know...For we all believed what my Father told us all one night in our living room... we were still in High School and one of our friends asked him if the women in his life still ment something to him and Dad said "yes" "If you truly loved someone and you think about them then they and their love for you and your love for them never dies"...

In my friends moving to Pine Bluff, my confronting the idea that I may need to move to Texas and not see my friends here in NW Arkansas again, the "nevers" regarding my quandry are enormous There have been too many "nevers" to confront this week. Please pray for my state of mind and for my job search. Having employment would go along way to improving my peace of mind....

6-2-09 There are a lot of people praying I can feel it as I move through my days. My mental state is a lot better. I am processing the grief, allowing it to register, but not impede my progress... in other words I would love to roll up in a little ball and stay that way but I cannot. I choose to survive this and that means action. I had 4 interviews yesterday including one out of the blue that is so amazing, that if I get this job it will be a dream come true and a LOT of work. But I am ready for that. This of course would resolve my housing situation, however because things are iffy still please pray. I have two different housing situations possible and the third being staying in place. Will know more in a few days.

Labels: Faith, Family History, Marriage, Personal Growth, Relationships, Woody, working